My wife has left me. where do i go from here

[philbatch]

No voicemail. Strange cos she hasn't called me for over 2 weeks. A few cold texts but no calls. Don't know what to do. Didn't answer as it made me panic.

[robf1971]

She's just called. I didn't answer. Did I do the right thing? Should I call her back? I'm shaking

 

Don't bother answering any of her calls, let her sweat it out..

[KathyM]

I'm so sorry. You've been through so much, and I know financial setbacks can really wreak havoc on a marriage. I would suggest you keep contact with her on a friendly basis without making any demands. Don't insist on knowing what her dating status is or ask her any questions about that. Just continue to see her on a friendship basis, possibly once a week, and rebuild the good feelings and attraction that you had for each other. And make sure you get yourself together, and get your finances in order, so that she will feel safe in coming back. If you show yourself to be a competent person, and put forth that personality that attracted her in the first place, there may still be a chance for reconciliation. I know a couple who were separated for seven months, the guy was active on dating websites during the separation, and they still managed to get back together and get their marriage back on track. I think it's worth hanging in there, and keeping your foot in the door, even if she doesn't see a reconciliation as a possibility at the moment. Just get your life together, keep up the contact on friendly terms, and she may eventually have a change of heart. It's worth a try, for sure.

[philbatch]

Thank-you kathym. It's refreshing to get some different advice on here. Not sure what to do now, stick to the no contact rule or follow your advice. I agree with yours but with so many others telling me different, I just don't know ways best. No doubt either way I go ill regret it..

[Steadfast]

It's refreshing to get some different advice on here. Not sure what to do now, stick to the no contact rule or follow your advice. I agree with yours but with so many others telling me different, I just don't know ways best. No doubt either way I go ill regret it..

 

IMO, that refreshing advice is bad advice. If she loved you she'd be there.

 

Your instincts will betray you. True love grows in strife, false love fades. Hoping and pining isn't love, it's neediness. Real love is strong, not weak.

 

Take care of you. Be honest, kind, and work on your issues. The rest is cake.

[KathyM]

Thank-you kathym. It's refreshing to get some different advice on here. Not sure what to do now, stick to the no contact rule or follow your advice. I agree with yours but with so many others telling me different, I just don't know ways best. No doubt either way I go ill regret it..

Well, I'm a believer in marriage and in the possibility of reconciliation. I've seen real life examples of people reconciling their marriage after months of separation. I know a lot of people on LS will tell you to go NC, but the fact of the matter is, if you really want to try to get back together with your wife, you have to keep your foot in the door. You have to keep contact with her. NC is how to get over someone and move on with your life. If your goal is to reconcile, then you have to keep contact. If you don't, your wife will think it is over and will move on with her life. The marriage I mentioned in my prior post was salvaged because the wife put away her pride, continued to call her husband on a weekly basis to have nice friendly chats to build up the friendship again, and then, when they met for walks, etc., she talked about how she made mistakes in their marriage, but she still loves him and would like to get back together again. You work on rebuilding the attraction and allowing the spouse to see the person they fell in love with. It can happen, and has happened to people. I know I have read from various marriage counseling material that, in order to rebuild your marriage, you work on rebuilding the connection, the feelings, the attraction, and not let the past mistakes overtake your conversations. The goal is to rebuild the attraction so the couple will realize they still have feelings for the other person, and they don't want to give that up. So if your goal is to try to get your marriage back, you need to stay in contact. NC is for people who want to move on with their life without their estranged spouse.

[robf1971]

NC is for people who want to move on with their life without their estranged spouse.

 

Agreed if his wife had told him 'I think there's a problem in our marriage' I want to work on it. Your advice would be perfect. she's left him and quite probably cheating!! So being nicey, nicey is sadly not an option.

[KathyM]

IMO, that refreshing advice is bad advice. If she loved you she'd be there.

 

Your instincts will betray you. True love grows in strife, false love fades. Hoping and pining isn't love, it's neediness. Real love is strong, not weak.

 

Take care of you. Be honest, kind, and work on your issues. The rest is cake.

Real love may not be a perfect love. We are all human. We make mistakes. We go through bad times. Some people weather the storms in their marriage. Some people allow those storms to come between them if they are not currently feeling love for their spouse or SO. In most marriages, people go through ups and downs, periods of being in love with their spouse, and periods of being out of love. The secret to a long and successful marriage is to hang in there and stay together even when those hard times come and even when you don't feel love for your spouse, because love can and does return. Real love is not always perfect love. Not everybody weathers the storms unscathed. Bad times brings out the fear and anxiety in a person, and they can temporarily lose sight of the strengths in their relationship and their feelings for each other. Just because the OPs wife has separated doesn't mean that she doesn't love him, or that she never loved him, or that she can't love him again. They are just going through a rough time which may be able to be corrected if he doesn't give up. He needs to stay in contact, or she will move on with her life without him.

[robf1971]

Well, I'm a believer in marriage and in the possibility of reconciliation. I've seen real life examples of people reconciling their marriage after months of separation. I know a lot of people on LS will tell you to go NC, but the fact of the matter is, if you really want to try to get back together with your wife, you have to keep your foot in the door. You have to keep contact with her. NC is how to get over someone and move on with your life. If your goal is to reconcile, then you have to keep contact. If you don't, your wife will think it is over and will move on with her life. The marriage I mentioned in my prior post was salvaged because the wife put away her pride, continued to call her husband on a weekly basis to have nice friendly chats to build up the friendship again, and then, when they met for walks, etc., she talked about how she made mistakes in their marriage, but she still loves him and would like to get back together again. You work on rebuilding the attraction and allowing the spouse to see the person they fell in love with. It can happen, and has happened to people. I know I have read from various marriage counseling material that, in order to rebuild your marriage, you work on rebuilding the connection, the feelings, the attraction, and not let the past mistakes overtake your conversations. The goal is to rebuild the attraction so the couple will realize they still have feelings for the other person, and they don't want to give that up. So if your goal is to try to get your marriage back, you need to stay in contact. NC is for people who want to move on with their life without their estranged spouse.

 

Also anyone in the OP's situation should go check out some of the thread in other man/other woman, they give a great insight into the mind of cheaters. Often it's only when they (cheaters) are faced with the consequences of their actions eg n/c, divorce etc do they think about remorse and possible reconciliation.

[robf1971]

Thank-you kathym. It's refreshing to get some different advice on here. Not sure what to do now, stick to the no contact rule or follow your advice. I agree with yours but with so many others telling me different, I just don't know ways best. No doubt either way I go ill regret it..

 

Phil,

 

If and when she wants back she will walk over broken glass to be with you. A cr*ppy phone call doesn't cut it. Do not reply!!!

[philbatch]

Thanks again kathym, your advice makes much more sense to me now and so that is what I'm going to follow. Your absolutely right on every point and I thank-you for making me see the light. If I had NC I would always look back and wonder what if? But by taking your advice i'll know I'm doing everything I can to save my marriage.

[KathyM]

Agreed if his wife had told him 'I think there's a problem in our marriage' I want to work on it. Your advice would be perfect. she's left him and quite probably cheating!! So being nicey, nicey is sadly not an option.

If they are separated, it is not cheating if she is going out with others. She panicked because of the financial issues they were having, and right now she doesn't see the possibility of making it work, but she may very well still have feelings for him. If he wants to get her back, he has to make nicey and cultivate the attraction and feelings. And he has to get his life back on track. I think trying to salvage a marriage is worth a try, and the only way he is going to be able to do that is to stay in contact and show her he is still the man she fell in love with.

[KathyM]

Thanks again kathym, your advice makes much more sense to me now and so that is what I'm going to follow. Your absolutely right on every point and I thank-you for making me see the light. If I had NC I would always look back and wonder what if? But by taking your advice i'll know I'm doing everything I can to save my marriage.

It's worth a try, for sure. It can happen, but if you don't try, like you said, you will always wonder if it might have worked out if you had made the effort. Good luck. I hope it works out for you. Remember, don't pressure, just keep it friendly and loving. Don't question her about her dating experiences.

[thatone]

Thanks again 2.50. Her mum is not one to have an opinion on things and let's her daughter make her own decisions ( which is a shame because if it was my mum she would be telling me what an idiot I'm being) I know the specific friend in question and we are not two people who get along. Many people have said that a true friend wouldn't dream of advising a dating site so soon. But I do see your point. Maybe she was hurting badly too. I wish I hadn't said anything about it in case its made things worse. Do you not think tho that becoming friends could be a foundation for more in the long run?

 

read what tiberius said again.

 

whore friends? check

distant/cold mother? check

 

people are products of their upbringing. it takes concerted effort and high determination to not be a mirror image of your bad parents and bad friends.

 

when you get over her and start dating again, judge women as they deserve to be judged. don't overlook red flags.

 

there is no future with this woman. do your best to work at getting over it.

 

If they are separated, it is not cheating if she is going out with others. She panicked because of the financial issues they were having, and right now she doesn't see the possibility of making it work, but she may very well still have feelings for him. If he wants to get her back, he has to make nicey and cultivate the attraction and feelings. And he has to get his life back on track. I think trying to salvage a marriage is worth a try, and the only way he is going to be able to do that is to stay in contact and show her he is still the man she fell in love with.

 

disagree completely. she can't arbitrarily decide that they're dating again. they're married. she made the choice to leave him, so if she wants him back she owes him, he doesn't owe her. assuming what he's telling us is true, she has behavioral problems, not him. there is no good that can come from him pretending like they're dating again to get her back. it will wind up the same way.

Edited November 8, 2011 by thatone

[robf1971]

If they are separated, it is not cheating if she is going out with others. She panicked because of the financial issues they were having, and right now she doesn't see the possibility of making it work, but she may very well still have feelings for him. If he wants to get her back, he has to make nicey and cultivate the attraction and feelings. And he has to get his life back on track. I think trying to salvage a marriage is worth a try, and the only way he is going to be able to do that is to stay in contact and show her he is still the man she fell in love with.

 

I hope I can eat my words

[Steadfast]

If they are separated, it is not cheating if she is going out with others.

 

It is cheating. 'Going out' (which is a catch phrase for having sex) is for single people. What do you want to bet she desired the separation because she needed 'some time alone' or 'needed time to think'? You're entitled to your opinion, but married is married. I have issues with your rationale.

 

She panicked because of the financial issues they were having

 

You are advising this poster on speculation. Not wise.

 

I think trying to salvage a marriage is worth a try, and the only way he is going to be able to do that is to stay in contact and show her he is still the man she fell in love with.

 

It takes two to make or salvage a marriage, not one trying and the other living somewhere else and dating. I have not read anything on this forum that is against marriage or strictly pro divorce. You will however, read advice on how to overcome betrayal, being lied to and emotional abuse.

 

You support a wife who has left her husband and actively dating others as someone to be courted or convinced? I see that woman as someone to be avoided, both by her husband and other men. News flash: she knows her husband loves her. She knows no one is perfect. If she wanted him (as has been perfectly stated here) she'd walk across broken glass to keep him.

 

You have pacified this poster with dead end advice that has a history of not working. You have appealed to his sense of love and compassion when those battered and bruised emotions are crying out for attention. Betrayed spouses need strength, encouragement and direction. Not false hope.

 

Shame on you.

[AudentesFortuna]

To each their own. As humans we will listen and hang on to what we want to. As for me, coming here and hearing the advice of everyone has helped me tremendously. I will confess, I doubted a lot of this advice at the beginning and had the same "what ifs". What if me not contacting her ruins our chances? What if my behavior just reinforces her feelings? What if she is just waiting for me to call her? What if this? What if that? It gets maddening because every what if leads to two more what ifs. It's a never ending chain that will just destroy you.

 

I finally realized what everyone here is saying, if someone really loves you they will move a mountain to be with you. Plain and simple. You are willing to move mountains, the other person should be too.

[worldgonewrong]

if someone really loves you they will move a mountain to be with you. Plain and simple. You are willing to move mountains, the other person should be too.

 

BAM! Perfect.

That is IT.

End of story.

Everything else is all mental chess.

[KathyM]

disagree completely. she can't arbitrarily decide that they're dating again. they're married. she made the choice to leave him, so if she wants him back she owes him, he doesn't owe her. assuming what he's telling us is true, she has behavioral problems, not him. there is no good that can come from him pretending like they're dating again to get her back. it will wind up the same way.

Keeping score is a sure fire way of torpedoing any reconciliation. Or having any rules of who should be making the first contact. If he wants her back, he needs to stay in contact, through phone calls, Emails, and hopefully through meeting with her. It sure as heck is not going to happen if he does not make the effort. Of course, there are issues that they need to eventually seek MC for, but in the initial stages of trying to reconcile, you need to start building back the feelings, and it is sometimes possible by staying in touch. I've seen it happen in real life, and have read about it in many places. People reconcile all the time. It's not that uncommon. I believe it deserves an effort if he wants to have her back. Marriages can be saved if people will make the effort. I don't know if it will work in his case, but it is certainly worth the try.

[thatone]

that's what we're trying to tell you. "it sure as heck is not going to happen".

 

that's what he needs to hear. if he spends another few years trying to 'date' his wife to live up to some other woman's fantasy image of what marriage should be like, which is basically what you're offering him, the only thing he'll have to show for it is another 10-15% of his life's years wasted on a miserable marriage and a woman who doesn't deserve or appreciate what he's doing.

 

when his wife left him and showed up on a dating website, his marriage was over. if you think him competing with all of the other men she's dating for his own wife is a healthy thing, you need your head examined.

[KathyM]

 

When people are separated, they don't have a married mindset. They have left the marriage, and are looking to start another relationship. It is rare for separated people to never date or consider seeing anyone else until the divorce is final. Very rare.

 

 

 

You are advising this poster on speculation. Not wise.

 

I'm going by what he said in his OP. I do know financial pressures, loss of job, and very stressful life events can cause a marriage that is having problems already to collapse. I'm sure there are other issues too, but I can only go by what he has posted here.

 

 

 

It takes two to make or salvage a marriage, not one trying and the other living somewhere else and dating. I have not read anything on this forum that is against marriage or strictly pro divorce. You will however, read advice on how to overcome betrayal, being lied to and emotional abuse.

 

It takes one person to start the reconciliation process. Eventually, it will take two to reconcile, but it takes one to swallow his/her pride and make the effort to keep in touch. And sometimes, when that one is willing to put aside his pride and make that effort, the other will come around.

 

You support a wife who has left her husband and actively dating others as someone to be courted or convinced? I see that woman as someone to be avoided, both by her husband and other men. News flash: she knows her husband loves her. She knows no one is perfect. If she wanted him (as has been perfectly stated here) she'd walk across broken glass to keep him.

 

People don't always know what they want, and sometimes it takes time for them to figure it out. Sometimes people change their mind as well, especially when they realize the grass is not greener elsewhere.

 

You have pacified this poster with dead end advice that has a history of not working. You have appealed to his sense of love and compassion when those battered and bruised emotions are crying out for attention. Betrayed spouses need strength, encouragement and direction. Not false hope.

 

Shame on you.

There are no guarantees, of course. But there is always hope until the divorce is final. There are plenty of people who have been able to reconcile after a separation. I know of some personally, and have read about many others. Sure, there are plenty of cases where reconciliation did not happen, but there are plenty of cases where it did. This advice I gave has come from experts in marriage reconciliation. If your goal is to reconcile, you have to stay in contact and work on rebuilding the feelings that were lost. Whether his effort in this will be successful remains to be seen, but it is worth the effort.

[robf1971]

disagree completely. she can't arbitrarily decide that they're dating again. they're married. she made the choice to leave him, so if she wants him back she owes him, he doesn't owe her. assuming what he's telling us is true, she has behavioral problems, not him. there is no good that can come from him pretending like they're dating again to get her back. it will wind up the same way.

Keeping score is a sure fire way of torpedoing any reconciliation. Or having any rules of who should be making the first contact. If he wants her back, he needs to stay in contact, through phone calls, Emails, and hopefully through meeting with her. It sure as heck is not going to happen if he does not make the effort. Of course, there are issues that they need to eventually seek MC for, but in the initial stages of trying to reconcile, you need to start building back the feelings, and it is sometimes possible by staying in touch. I've seen it happen in real life, and have read about it in many places. People reconcile all the time. It's not that uncommon. I believe it deserves an effort if he wants to have her back. Marriages can be saved if people will make the effort. I don't know if it will work in his case, but it is certainly worth the try.

 

As someone who has saved my own marriage I disagree with you, I did not do it by being little bo peep to my wife. I changed my attitude and did things that didn;t necessarily please my wife but got her respect back.

[thatone]

and furthermore...

 

no, he should not do anything you suggested to him. he should, in fact, do the opposite. he should document her infidelity to use against her in the divorce. he should point out to the family and friends that she cheated on him. he should tell her she owes him the money spent on the marriage counselor, since she basically wasted his time/money by going to one and then refusing to participate. he should stop treating her like his wife, and start treating her like the spoiled child she is. and in a roundabout way, that's the only thing he can do for her. by treating her like the spoiled child she is, she will get a taste of what she'll find in the dating world, since other people will treat her as she treats them.

 

the above would be doing her a favor.

[KathyM]

that's what we're trying to tell you. "it sure as heck is not going to happen".

 

that's what he needs to hear. if he spends another few years trying to 'date' his wife to live up to some other woman's fantasy image of what marriage should be like, which is basically what you're offering him, the only thing he'll have to show for it is another 10-15% of his life's years wasted on a miserable marriage and a woman who doesn't deserve or appreciate what he's doing.

 

when his wife left him and showed up on a dating website, his marriage was over. if you think him competing with all of the other men she's dating for his own wife is a healthy thing, you need your head examined.

I'm not suggesting he go on indefinately trying to get his wife back, but a reasonable effort should be made. I'd consider one year's time reasonable. If, after one year, no progress has been made on her part to reconcile, I could see throwing in the towel at that point and moving on. But just because they have separated is no reason to give up if he really wants her back. Like I said, I've seen a marriage IRL where a couple separated for seven months, the husband was on dating websites during the separation, and they still managed to reconcile when the wife made the effort to stay in contact. At first, the husband was not receptive to his wife's efforts, but after a couple of months of attempts, they did reconcile and their marriage is now strong. I know of another couple personally who tried to reconcile for a year after separation and came very close to it. In this case, both partners had dated others and been on dating websites during their separation, but they realized they still had feelings for each other, so they did date and came very close to getting back together. If she hadn't already made plans to move out of state, they would have gotten back together again. She was very ambivalent up until the very end, and it could have gone either way. This is not fantasy. Reconciliations happen all the time. Whether it will in the OPs case, we don't know, but it is still worth a try if he wants it to work.

[KathyM]

Keeping score is a sure fire way of torpedoing any reconciliation. Or having any rules of who should be making the first contact. If he wants her back, he needs to stay in contact, through phone calls, Emails, and hopefully through meeting with her. It sure as heck is not going to happen if he does not make the effort. Of course, there are issues that they need to eventually seek MC for, but in the initial stages of trying to reconcile, you need to start building back the feelings, and it is sometimes possible by staying in touch. I've seen it happen in real life, and have read about it in many places. People reconcile all the time. It's not that uncommon. I believe it deserves an effort if he wants to have her back. Marriages can be saved if people will make the effort. I don't know if it will work in his case, but it is certainly worth the try.

 

As someone who has saved my own marriage I disagree with you, I did not do it by being little bo peep to my wife. I changed my attitude and did things that didn;t necessarily please my wife but got her respect back.

Without knowing your situation, I can't comment on that.