I love you but I don't like you

[ShatteredReality]

Hey - just saw you post - do you still want my opinion?? LOL There are a lot of posts here, I don't want to walk into the middle of a conversation and step on toes. However, if you want my take I'll sift through what you have here and chime in - happily

[itllgetbetter]

ShatteredReality: I'd appreciate your opinion - I've always been one to seek out as many opinions as possible and then make up my own mind. Thanks in advance for taking the time to review this thread.

 

Trippi: You stated in your post 112 "Don't bank on the aunt...even though she may not agree with what he is doing, blood is still thicker than water." Well, since I haven't heard from H in one week now, I think you're correct. I also realized today that this is the longest we've gone without speaking since we met 15 years ago.

Edited September 2, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[andyg99]

I also realized today that this is the longest we've gone without speaking since we met 15 years ago.

 

that may make you sad but look at it this way... you are strong enough now that you can handle not speaking to him! you have come a long way even though you might not give yourself credit... keep moving forward, THAT IS THE KEY, you may backslide every once in a while but keep your eye on the prize: YOU AND AN AMAZING LIFE!

[itllgetbetter]

Thanks Andy.

[trippi1432]

ShatteredReality: I'd appreciate your opinion - I've always been one to seek out as many opinions as possible and then make up my own mind. Thanks in advance for taking the time to review this thread.

 

Trippi: You stated in your post 112 "Don't bank on the aunt...even though she may not agree with what he is doing, blood is still thicker than water." Well, since I haven't heard from H in one week now, I think you're correct. I also realized today that this is the longest we've gone without speaking since we met 15 years ago.

 

Hugs IGB...you are stronger than you know...not the only one who thinks so.

 

Shattered...please...all views are appreciated.

[ShatteredReality]

So I hope you don't mind...I read through the first few pages and then the last few...so I am certain there will be things I will have missed. I also didn't get the back story on some of the folks already chatting with you at length - so Sunny and Tippi and anybody else whose name I can't recall off the top of my head - if I start saying things you've already said - sorry!!!

 

Ok, so here's kinda my thing. Jstobo learned though our lengthy threading that I am the eternal optimist. I don't think it's over until the papers are done going through the filing process. If you find you're hoping for some "tough love" advice let me know, but until then, I'm going to go the more gentle and optimistic route.

 

I was the WS in my marriage, in case you hadn't read that. I fell out of love with my husband, but I never stopped loving him. For me, there was abuse involved. The things that I felt were bad in my marriage actually were bad. I was speaking with a friend on here on the subject recently - swapping stories from opposing sides of the affair spectrum - and my analogy was this - I brutally murdered my marriage. Brutally. Now, looking back on things, the marriage as it was did need to be put down - but I certainly wish I had used a different weapon to do it. I didn't move out of the house and I broke up with OM because I knew it wasn't a reasonable expectation to think our relationship was ever going to be long term. But - it wasn't until I freed myself from OM that my H even had a chance of getting me back.

 

So that's what I wanted to mention here - if OW is still in the picture his Affair Fog is so thick he cannot see you. He cannot feel truly guilty about the pain he is causing you because he cannot see it. He may be aware he's causing you pain - but he can't SEE it. He can't SEE you. Only shadowy glimpses through the fog. OW is like fog lights...she's all he can see. She is a mirage in a desert of fog. How many more analogies can I come up with right?? LOL....sorry.

 

So, basically, if reconciliation is still what you're looking for....it won't happen until OW is out of the picture and the air starts to clear. And, even then, it will take him some time to admit to himself - then even more time to admit to you - the severity of his actions. Am I to understand he's still seeing her and he's gotten physical with her? Do you know this or is it just something you're thinking is logical given the circumstances?

 

My H latched onto the Marriagebuilders site, as well as affair survival and some other books you've mentioned - all good. He also got a set for us called For Her Eyes Only and For His Eyes Only. Those were a good way to know a bit more about the whole male female role. And, a friend of mine told me to read a book called Fascinating Womanhood. It's old fashioned, but it's really good...

 

Everyone has something to work on...so, while your marriage may not have been nearly as bad as his affair fog it leading him to make it out to be - you've got plenty of things you're concentrating on right now to keep you busy. Build your self confidence and self worth - even though this all has to be heartbreaking and a difficult blow to the ego (it is for anybody), You are worth more. If he won't come around to see it, at least you'll already have a head start on the coping process to be able to be happy w/out him.

 

I hope some of this at least made sense Wish I had seen this sooner and jumped on board earlier on!!

[itllgetbetter]

ShatteredReality: I'm the eternal optomist too, at least where it comes to M.

 

I don't know if the OW is in the picture or not. He told me about two weeks ago that he's not interested in her anymore. HOWEVER, I don't know if that's the truth or not since I know he's lied about LOTS of things wrt OW (such as not knowing where she lives even though I'm certain the apartment he got was in her building, and he was always an honest/ethical man before all this happened).

 

They're living in the same building but I don't know if EA is now a PA. Or is that just me being naive?

 

I've been spending a fair bit of time on the marriagebuilders site, and in particular the radio archive they have - wish I'd discovered it 6 months ago when my H was still living at home. One thing I learned from the marriagebuilders site is that when the BS is a woman, she shouldn't leave the door open for a reconciliation (ie., try to show H what he's missing by leaving) for more than 3 weeks or so as it will negatively affect her health. Apparently though male BS's can leave the door open for reconciliation for a longer period of time as they don't suffer the same health consequences.

 

My concern with him admitting any wrongdoing to himself and to me is that sometimes he doesn't have an accurate view of history - I call it retrospective reinterpretation. I'm not sure if you read in my thread, but similar to other threads, my H is laying a HUGE guilt-trip on me and finding fault with everything I do. So, it's possible that even if he comes out of his affair fog, he'll continue to see me as a terrible person.

 

One friend of mine thought that perhaps if OW is out of the picture, my H will still not come back home because he will think that OW has "stirred in him feelings he didn't know he had" and he'll try to recreate that with someone else.

 

Anyhow, he's returning from his vacation later this week, and, it'll be a month or less until he lets me know if he wants to come home or not.

 

If he wants to come home to an "open marriage", that's not going to happen (a friend of his did this for a while, and, although in the past my H would've thought that such a thing is crazy, now I'm not so sure what his thoughts on the subject are since there are times he's speaking and I'm thinking to myself that he seems like a completely different person).

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this issue.

Edited September 4, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[ShatteredReality]

ShatteredReality: I'm the eternal optomist too, at least where it comes to M.

 

I don't know if the OW is in the picture or not. He told me about two weeks ago that he's not interested in her anymore. HOWEVER, I don't know if that's the truth or not since I know he's lied about LOTS of things wrt OW (such as not knowing where she lives even though I'm certain the apartment he got was in her building, and he was always an honest/ethical man before all this happened).

 

They're living in the same building but I don't know if EA is now a PA. Or is that just me being naive?

 

I've been spending a fair bit of time on the marriagebuilders site, and in particular the radio archive they have - wish I'd discovered it 6 months ago when my H was still living at home. One thing I learned from the marriagebuilders site is that when the BS is a woman, she shouldn't leave the door open for a reconciliation (ie., try to show H what he's missing by leaving) for more than 3 weeks or so as it will negatively affect her health. Apparently though male BS's can leave the door open for reconciliation for a longer period of time as they don't suffer the same health consequences.

 

My concern with him admitting any wrongdoing to himself and to me is that sometimes he doesn't have an accurate view of history - I call it retrospective reinterpretation. I'm not sure if you read in my thread, but similar to other threads, my H is laying a HUGE guilt-trip on me and finding fault with everything I do. So, it's possible that even if he comes out of his affair fog, he'll continue to see me as a terrible person.

 

One friend of mine thought that perhaps if OW is out of the picture, my H will still not come back home because he will think that OW has "stirred in him feelings he didn't know he had" and he'll try to recreate that with someone else.

 

Anyhow, he's returning from his vacation later this week, and, it'll be a month or less until he lets me know if he wants to come home or not.

 

If he wants to come home to an "open marriage", that's not going to happen (a friend of his did this for a while, and, although in the past my H would've thought that such a thing is crazy, now I'm not so sure what his thoughts on the subject are since there are times he's speaking and I'm thinking to myself that he seems like a completely different person).

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this issue.

 

The ironic thing about getting involved in an A is that all of your worst traits...as well as some you didn't know existed...become the most apparent. Lying being one of them for some. For me, I lied to myself as well as to my H. Though, I did have DDay in fairly short order. That was because I knew A was wrong, regardless of what happened with my M.

 

I agree that giving a short window is a good idea...I know it's already been longer - but maybe now would be a good time to set an ultimatum for both of you. One for him to choose to come back or not, and one for yourself on how long you'll hang on.

 

I did some IC after the A and one of the things the therapist had me do was set limits. She told me to choose the things I kept claiming I couldn't live with in the M and to set my limits...one example was the name calling. He called me awful names - degrading. She told me to choose how many more arguments he could get away with unleashing that type of fury on me before I was done giving him chances to change. So I set an honest limit. Maybe it doesn't seem fair that he had to do so much work in the reconciliation given that I was the one who cheated...but our situation was one where, like I said, the marriage itself needed to die...and had I taken any other steps than the ones that I took I would have been completely within my rights. So - I am spending the rest of our lives together trying to make up for the pain that I caused him, while he's going to continually stay aware of his actions and how they affect our relationship. We had to learn to speak eachothers language a bit more clearly - I think it's on that site you're diving in to - about repeating what the other person says the way that you heard/understood it. We did that for a long time.

 

If you work on yourself you might be surprised to find him becoming attracted to you again - I don't mean that you have any fault in these things that he's doing. I don't believe that you do. What I mean is, continue to exude self confidence and self worth - without letting it grow to vanity and arrogance, of course. Even though you're being kind to him during your interactions, show that you're able to find happiness without him. Recall the woman you were when he first dated you - become her again. Over time, with life and stress, we allow ourselves to be molded into whatever our current situation demands of us - but sometimes it takes awhile to realize our situations have changed and we need to readjust this mold of ourselves. Another thing we do is lose ourselves in our spouses. We cease to become "me" and instead turn into "us". Now, that's not a bad position to take on (when we marry a person we're supposed to become one in a sense), but in times like these we have to show that we're capable of the independence we once had.

 

You're doing remarkably well given the situation you're in IGB - I think you're an incredibly strong woman and I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation!

[2sunny]

I don't know if the OW is in the picture or not. He told me about two weeks ago that he's not interested in her anymore. HOWEVER, I don't know if that's the truth or not since I know he's lied about LOTS of things wrt OW (such as not knowing where she lives even though I'm certain the apartment he got was in her building, and he was always an honest/ethical man before all this happened).

 

well - he's not the same man you used to know - you have evidence of that.

 

i don't know any man who would purposely move to the same complex unless his motive was to see her or keep tabs on her. if he's NOT interested in her - THAT alone is just creepy.

 

call and ask her! you have every right to ask for her version of her truth.

 

she may enlighten you - or not.

 

he must have SOME valid reason for not being totally interested in you right now - and you should find out what that reason is.

 

he lies. know that. admit it - and understand he will more likely continue to lie.

 

knowing whether or not he IS interested in her - his actions tell more of what his words won't say... any man who moves close to his love interest IS interested! whether he says so or not is completely beside the point.

 

 

IF he fully intended to be home with you - he'd be doing everything to get in your good graces - but he's not... so he doesn't INTEND to!

[itllgetbetter]

ShatteredReality: I'm not giving an "ultimatum" - what he's said, and what I've agreed to (which I know puts him in total control of things), is that by the middle of October, he'll let me know what he wants to do. Of course, he might tell me what he wants to do sooner than that though. He knows I want to reconcile so the balls in his court.

 

Glad to hear that things in your M were able to improve.

 

2sunny: He's definitely not the same man I used to know because the man I M wouldn't lie.

 

I'm not going to call the OW for various reasons, one of which is, the ultimate responsibility of what's occurred is with my H since he's the one that's M, not her. In addition, if my H's not going to be honest with me, I don't expect she would be either.

 

In terms of not being interested in me right now, I doubt that the OW is in a position to tell me since I doubt he's being honest with her about me. And if I ask him why he's not interested in me right now, he's not going to admit it's because OW is involved.

 

That he's said/done nothing to indicate he's considering moving back home in a couple of weeks is very disappointing.

 

On another note, I've finished reading "Surviving an Affair" - it's a very good book - even if there's no chance someone will reconcile with their spouse, I recommend it for people's future relationships.

 

I'm almost finished reading "The Four Agreements" - also a good book and a short read - it's more of a book on how to live your life generally. 2Sunny, thanks for recommending it.

[2sunny]

ShatteredReality: I'm not giving an "ultimatum" - what he's said, and what I've agreed to (which I know puts him in total control of things), is that by the middle of October, he'll let me know what he wants to do. Of course, he might tell me what he wants to do sooner than that though. He knows I want to reconcile so the balls in his court.

 

Glad to hear that things in your M were able to improve.

 

2sunny: He's definitely not the same man I used to know because the man I M wouldn't lie.

 

I'm not going to call the OW for various reasons, one of which is, the ultimate responsibility of what's occurred is with my H since he's the one that's M, not her. In addition, if my H's not going to be honest with me, I don't expect she would be either.

 

In terms of not being interested in me right now, I doubt that the OW is in a position to tell me since I doubt he's being honest with her about me. And if I ask him why he's not interested in me right now, he's not going to admit it's because OW is involved.

 

That he's said/done nothing to indicate he's considering moving back home in a couple of weeks is very disappointing.

 

On another note, I've finished reading "Surviving an Affair" - it's a very good book - even if there's no chance someone will reconcile with their spouse, I recommend it for people's future relationships.

 

I'm almost finished reading "The Four Agreements" - also a good book and a short read - it's more of a book on how to live your life generally. 2Sunny, thanks for recommending it.

 

you have essentially handed him all of your power based on the fact that you believe he lies - she (OW) most likely will lie - and you have NO IDEA where his truth may be.

 

 

this is living in a LOT of denial and "maybe's" - he MAY come home ??? - and even IF he does - who's to believe that it can be happy even then? what does HE need to accomplish IF YOU consider him coming home?

 

he could very well come home in Oct - and just be a negative drag to have around... what good is THAT for YOU?

 

what work for HIM - and YOU TWO - needs to be done BEFORE you even consider having him re enter your daily life?

 

set YOUR boundaries! otherwise, you may have him home and NOT like him!

[ShatteredReality]

I'm sorry IGB...I am warring on what to tell you here.

 

Here's the thing...if he comes back because he can, because he's comfortable with you and he's familiar...because he's finished with OW and doesn't want to be alone - where does that put you? I had more than one tearful conversation with my H during our reconciliation where I told him I wouldn't stay with him just because I didn't want to be alone. I broke things off with OM because I knew it was a mirage - but I wasn't about to ignore all the fundamental issues in my marriage and step back into it just because it was comfortable and familiar. I may have made our journey more difficult by the things that I did...but I told him flat out that it wouldn't be fair to him for me to agree to stay if I didn't truly want to be with him anymore.

 

We took huge steps to make sure infidelity wouldn't happen again - the only thing he doesn't have complete access to is my LS account. The reason for that is that this is sort of my personal space...it's where I can say what I want and be myself freely without worrying about upsetting him by talking about the A with others or by being so blatantly honest about how low things got before we started to climb back up. It's where I can vent about him without biasing family members unintentionally, or seek advice from people who have been there and done that. Everything else - he's free to check up on as much as he wants - e-mail, phone, bank - He always knows where I am and who I am with. I have given myself a very short leash...Now, when we first began to discuss reconciliation he made it clear that was what he wanted and he'd do anything to get it - except allow me to keep a boyfriend on the side. I even had to change jobs to get away from OM before H began to even out. All of this made sense to me...just because I felt I had justification to say our M needed work didn't mean there would be no consequences to my actions. The two were almost separate. We worked on the issues in our marriage - he worked on his anger - and I have been doing my part showing him I won't be wandering again.

 

I didn't read all the same books he did - it was a little too much for me...and I read most of the articles he sent me from Marriagebuilders - but not all of them. So if anything I say is opposite from those things - sorry.

 

My personal opinion? Giving him all of the power isn't going to do you any favors in reconciliation. If you do that you will always be jogging after him to keep him and he'll feel that he's able to do whatever he wants and you'll stick around. Maybe he's done with this OW, but you'll find yourself back in this position next year or when someone else comes along. He'll develop a taste for the variety - he'll enjoy the "falling in love" again. It's somewhat of an addiction, and from what I've read there actually is a chemical change that happens in the brain. It takes about 18 months to correct - during that time he'll be vulnerable to another affair if he's not guarding against it. He won't guard against it if you allow him to believe you don't respect yourself enough to say "I love you, but I won't let you treat me like this". Just having him back won't make you happy for long...having him back and having him love you and work towards a happy life WITH you is what you need to aim for here...leaving the door open for him to just walk back in with no stipulations is too easy for him. Especially given the gross infraction he's committed against you and against your marriage. The trick is getting him to recognize that, no matter what problems he felt existed in the M - this was not the correct way to handle it. He needs to admit that the infidelity was wrong...then look at the problems he felt existed in the M to cause it and see if THOSE can be fixed. Cheating is never the solution to any Marital problems...it just adds to them.

[andyg99]

ShatteredReality: I'm not giving an "ultimatum" - what he's said, and what I've agreed to (which I know puts him in total control of things), is that by the middle of October, he'll let me know what he wants to do. Of course, he might tell me what he wants to do sooner than that though. He knows I want to reconcile so the balls in his court.

 

.

 

this October agreement is pure BS - you have the right to change your mind about it. Tell him you are not his doormat anymore and if he doesn't give you an answer now you're out! and if he says he wants back in tell him he better agree to YOUR conditions... take charge of YOUR life NOW!

[2sunny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by itllgetbetter

ShatteredReality: I'm not giving an "ultimatum" - what he's said, and what I've agreed to (which I know puts him in total control of things), is that by the middle of October, he'll let me know what he wants to do. Of course, he might tell me what he wants to do sooner than that though. He knows I want to reconcile so the balls in his court.

 

looks backwards - because you have put YOURSELF of HIS ultimatum! HE decides IF he's coming back! WHY? why don't YOU decide what is best for YOU? DO THAT!!!!!

 

he doesn't like YOU! that is what YOU typed!

 

why would you even consider living with a man that doesn't like you? even more so - why even have a conversation with such a man?

 

until HE LOVES YOU AND LIKES YOU - do not speak to him or see him!!!

 

 

this October agreement is pure BS - you have the right to change your mind about it. Tell him you are not his doormat anymore and if he doesn't give you an answer now you're out! and if he says he wants back in tell him he better agree to YOUR conditions... take charge of YOUR life NOW!

 

 

this!

[itllgetbetter]

ShatteredReality: I'm not sure that he was telling the truth about it being over with OW. If I HAD to bet, I'd say that she's still in the picture.

 

WRT giving him the power in reconciliation - certainly I'm doing that BUT, I'm also trying to give him some space to figure out how unsuitable this OW is - which doesn't sound great from a marriage perspective in that it's essentially giving your spouse permission to cheat - obviously not good and NEVER where I thought my life would end up.

 

WRT this being an addiction, he's never done anything like this before. HOWEVER, I am worried that this might be repeated again, which is why, if he comes back, they'll obviously have to be some measures in place to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

 

On that note, while someone might give you their e-mail passwords, how can you be certain you have them all. For example, you can have more than one gmail account and, if you're given the password to only one account, then your spouse can use another of their gmail accounts to communicate with OM/OW. And, if one installs, unbeknownst to your spouse, a keylogger on the home computer, then your spouse can use their office computer to use another gmail account.

 

Just having him back won't make me happy at all if he comes back and things are like they were since last fall - basically I was walking on eggshells, etc.

 

At this point, he isn't admitting to having committed ANY infraction since, what he's told me is that:

(a) he doesn't know where OW lives,

(b) he only speaks to OW during business hours,

© he hasn't seen her in months; and

(d) he's no longer interested in her.

 

The above is either setting things up to come back home and say he really didn't do anything wrong while away OR, to make me feel as if the ONLY reason he left was because of me. I'm really not sure which it is but if I HAD to guess, it's to make me feel as if the ONLY reason he left was because of me. Perhaps with that approach, I'll be less bitter.

 

As far as the "problems" in the M, I've now been told by two professionals that they were normal issues that M people deal with (in particular me complaining too much; and it's not a case where they were telling me what I wanted to hear) and he was just making excuses to leave the M for the OW so "gaslighting" in my case was unusually high.

 

Andyg99: I agree with you that the Oct. agreement is BS (which reminds me, you gave a definition of the BS test, which is: "if it makes you scratch your head and wonder "huh? what? what did they mean by that? why did they do that?" then it's pure 100% BS...." I thought that was a rather accurate description of BS - funny too) - for your reasons as well as this: I think that between now and Oct., he's going to say the M is over and he's not coming back. The day he told me that he wants to move out and have a "trial separation", I responded that that's what people say when they're trying to let the other person down gently and what that REALLY means is that they have no intention of coming back.

 

I'd like to think of myself as not merely a "doormat" (although clearly I am), but rather, giving him some "space" so that he can NEVER come back and say "if only you hadn't rushed me". And, if he WANTS to come back (which, really, I don't think is going to happen), he and I will discuss conditions.

 

I'm taking charge of my life in every aspect but this (which is arguably the most important aspect of my life) - I'm keeping busy, seeing friends, family, working, etc.

 

2sunny: what's best for me is that he comes back and we fix our M. Clearly he "likes" me, although he said he didn't previously (which was hard to hear) since he calls me from time to time and we've spent time together since he's moved out, and, of course, there's the call of a couple of weeks ago when he said "I miss you and I wish you were here" - although, that may meet Andy's definition of BS.

[andyg99]

I'd like to think of myself as not merely a "doormat" (although clearly I am), but rather, giving him some "space" so that he can NEVER come back and say "if only you hadn't rushed me".

.

 

STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS!!!! "Space"?? what is he a 15 year old girl? tell him to act like a man and make up his mind NOW!!!! SO what if he says "if only you hadn't rushed me" someday??!!! WHY SHOULD YOU CARE??? someone who would say "if only you hadn't rushed me" is a spineless wimp... It's your life, you can do whatever you want with it including letting this "man" back into your life and you'll have to live with that because I fear he can do anything and he knows it...

 

I don't mean to be harsh but those of us who are being blunt are doing it because we wish we had someone to kick our a%%es when we were going through the same thing!!

[2sunny]

i can't offer anything else. you are determined to wait around and see if and when he may get tired of chasing another woman - and when he's tired of it - you will take him back.

 

there's nothing to help with when you are hell bent on what you want... which is leaving yourself at the mercy of what HE does or doesn't do.

 

if you were a man - i'd tell you to grow some balls... i hope you find what you need... and i hope it's not your H with the way he's acting.

 

yes... you are believing his lies. wake up! i can't watch you treat yourself with such disregard and disrespect any further.

 

best wishes.

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: I'm not believing his lies. For example, when he told me what's below, I didn't believe it:

 

(a) he doesn't know where OW lives,

(b) he only speaks to OW during business hours,

© he hasn't seen her in months; and

(d) he's no longer interested in her.

 

The only thing I'm "hell bent on" is getting my H back AND fixing things. It's not just getting him back.

 

If and when he's tired of chancing the OW, I wouldn't "take him back" (if he tries to come back) if he's going to continue the behaviour that got us to this spot.

 

I appreciate the time you've taken to review what I've written in the past and provide me with your wise advice. It's been very helpful.

[2sunny]

2sunny: I'm not believing his lies. For example, when he told me what's below, I didn't believe it:

 

(a) he doesn't know where OW lives,

(b) he only speaks to OW during business hours,

© he hasn't seen her in months; and

(d) he's no longer interested in her.

 

The only thing I'm "hell bent on" is getting my H back AND fixing things. It's not just getting him back.

 

If and when he's tired of chancing the OW, I wouldn't "take him back" (if he tries to come back) if he's going to continue the behaviour that got us to this spot.

 

I appreciate the time you've taken to review what I've written in the past and provide me with your wise advice. It's been very helpful.

 

but HE'S not DOING the work to change things! not a bit... and you keep wasting time waiting. stop waiting - start living! you could be dead tomorrow!

 

YOU can't control HIM! he will do what he wants to do - i suggest you get busy DOING whatever makes YOU happy... whether or not HE changes is beside the point!

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: Your post above sounds similar to what others have told me which is: "you need to take care of yourself. He's only thinking of himself right now". And you're correct - he's not doing anything to change things, unless of course he's read "the 5 love languages", which he said he'd do while he's away. But, that's a small step.

Edited September 7, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[2sunny]

2sunny: Your post above sounds similar to what others have told me which is: "you need to take care of yourself. He's only thinking of himself right now". And you're correct - he's not doing anything to change things, unless of course he's read "the 5 love languages", which he said he'd do while he's away. But, that's a small step.

 

reading a book doesn't change a thing. action changes things - contrary action compared to when things are crappy.

 

YOU can change things - start taking charge of your life back - but you haven't.

 

reading a book just means that you've read a book. until new ideas are applied to life it means NOTHING!

 

you asked him to read it long ago - yet he couldn't even fulfill THAT small request... he isn't making you his priority! start DOING that for yourself!

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: You're not being harsh at all - both you and 2sunny are telling it like it is with knowledge and experience to back up your opinions. I get that. And I really do appreciate yours and 2sunnys advice and opinions.

 

2sunny: You're correct - reading a book doesn't change anything - and, in fact, he may not have read it yet. He may not even have packed it. And he's not making me a priority.

 

On taking care of myself: I'm looking into taking a couple of interest- type courses with friends. So, I'm trying to keep busy.

Edited September 8, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[2sunny]

Andyg99: You're not being harsh at all - both you and 2sunny are telling it like it is with knowledge and experience to back up your opinions. I get that. And I really do appreciate yours and 2sunnys advice and opinions.

 

2sunny: You're correct - reading a book doesn't change anything - and, in fact, he may not have read it yet. He may not even have packed it. And he's not making me a priority.

On taking care of myself: I'm looking into taking a couple of interest- type courses with friends. So, I'm trying to keep busy.

 

stop "looking into it" and start DOING it! time's a wasting while you're "thinking about it".

 

let's recap for clarity here:

 

you are waiting on him to make a decision if he wants to be with you.

you are "thinking about having some fun" - but you keep waiting around for him.

he may or may not decide he wants to come back.

when he IS there - he talks to you in a disrespectful manner.

his criticism and actions are designed to blame you instead of himself.

you are reading "self help" books.

you tend to want to believe his lies.

time keeps passing and you keep waiting.

 

he is living close to OW.

he works with OW.

he is focused on his OW.

all his POSITIVE energy goes to HER.

he lies to YOU so YOU can't see what reality is.

he won't make any effort for YOU - even a simple task such as reading.

he finds fault in everything you DO or DON'T DO.

when he's horny and you look good - he manipulates with empty comments that confuse you.

he makes a date after you begging then makes no effort to carry out a solid effort for a date. (yes, INTERESTED men bring FLOWERS and RESERVATIONS)!

he lies by saying he may want to come back - but shows zero effort that it may happen. in this case you are his back burner gal in case his OW doesn't work out! wow, you went from being his wife to his back burner gal! how does that feel?

he treats you like $hit and has you still begging for more of him.

 

 

HE isn't the man you thought he COULD be!

 

 

you are allowing TOO MUCH UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR FROM HIM!!! yes, YOU are allowing it ALL!

 

solution? STOP ALLOWING ANY OF IT!!!! that is the part YOU CAN CHANGE!

 

but i bet you won't...

 

stop with the waiting. you have a life to live! who cares what he's doing or not doing - get busy finding NEW ways to be happy!!!

[Steen719]

IGB..you seem like a nice person. You always write kind and encouraging posts and you always accept any suggestions in the manner they are intended.

 

It has been sort of hard for me to read your posts because I feel so much hope from you with every little thing your H does and while I don't know either of you, a person with your compassion should have someone who appreciates it. When I read Sunny's responses to you, I find myself hoping you will read them and find a way to move on.

 

My H blames me for everything..everything. I am to blame for leaving him and if you have read anything from me, you know he has one PA years ago and one or two EAs or maybe PAs recently, told me he was not in love with me and that he had been miserable for 14 years and that is just a few of the things he has done. He just refuses to see why I am leaving and actually spent a few minutes tonight just yelling at me..saying it was all my fault. I finally plugged in and sang at the top of my lungs while I worked. I don't sing that well..ha ha, so he left the room. I don't think you can make another person take responsibility for something they won't. I know, I have tried.

 

I know you are not there, but I have to tell you that when you finally make the decision that YOU are worth more than what he is offering you, you will feel so much better. I really mean this. I am sad, but where I used to cringe internally when he blamed me, I now think to myself that he has the insight of a gnat. Think of what you would tell a friend who told you what you say about him...and really, you can't put too much stock on him reading a book. So what? This man ought to be right in front of you, telling you that he loves you and you are the most important person in his life and he does not want to live without you and what does he need to do to keep you? If he can't do that, he does not deserve the kind of love you so obviously have to give to someone. Ask your friends to tell you why you are such a good person and then believe them. They do not even have to mention him....just you. You are worthy of better than this.

 

OK, I said what I wanted to. I wish you the best.

[itllgetbetter]

My answers are in bold re 2sunny's post above.

 

stop "looking into it" and start DOING it! time's a wasting while you're "thinking about it". I'M WORKING FULL-TIME AND TRYING TO COORDINATE THESE THINGS WITH FRIENDS, SO, IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER OF AVOIDING DOING IT.

 

let's recap for clarity here:

 

you are waiting on him to make a decision if he wants to be with you. YES

you are "thinking about having some fun" - but you keep waiting around for him. NO. I GO OUT WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY AND TRY TO KEEP BUSY, IN ADDITION TO WORKING FULL-TIME.

he may or may not decide he wants to come back. YES

when he IS there - he talks to you in a disrespectful manner. SOMETIMES/OFTEN.

his criticism and actions are designed to blame you instead of himself. YES, EXCEPT FOR TWO APOLOGIES WHEN I CORRECTED HIM - THERE WAS ROOM FOR CORRECTION ELSEWHERE TOO, BUT, I DIDN'T BOTHER AS HE'S "IN THE FOG"

you are reading "self help" books. YES - THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

you tend to want to believe his lies. NO. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN HE TOLD ME HE'S NO LONGER INTERESTED IN OW A FEW WEEKS BACK, I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

time keeps passing and you keep waiting. YES, BUT, I'M KEEPING BUSY WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY, WORK.

 

he is living close to OW. YES

he works with OW. YES - NOT IN THE SAME OFFICE THOUGH - SHE'S A CLIENT OF HIS.

he is focused on his OW. PRETTY MUCH

all his POSITIVE energy goes to HER. LIKELY

he lies to YOU so YOU can't see what reality is. ALTHOUGH HE LIES TO ME, I DO GET GLIMPSES OF REALITY - FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN HE CALLED WHILE ON VACATION AND SAID HE MISSED ME AND WISHED I WAS THERE, I ALSO REALIZED THAT ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS AND, SINCE THAT'S THE ONLY CALL I RECEIVED IN A TWO WEEK PERIOD, OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN'T MISS ME TOOOOOOOO MUCH.

he won't make any effort for YOU - even a simple task such as reading. YES, AND THAT'S DISAPPOINTING - HOWEVER, PERHAPS HE READ THE BOOK WHILE ON VACATION

he finds fault in everything you DO or DON'T DO. ALMOST - APPARENTLY I DID LAUNDRY VERY WELL

when he's horny and you look good - he manipulates with empty comments that confuse you. NOT REALLY - I'M NOT CONFUSED AS TO WHERE THINGS STAND

he makes a date after you begging then makes no effort to carry out a solid effort for a date. (yes, INTERESTED men bring FLOWERS and RESERVATIONS)! I DON'T BEG. IN FACT, SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE HE LEFT THE HOUSE, I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM I WOULD NOT BEG HIM TO STAY - IF HE WANTED TO LEAVE, THEN HE SHOULD LEAVE. IN ADDITION, BEFORE HE MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WHILE HE WAS ON A TRIP AND CALLED ME, I TOLD HIM HE NEEDS TO MAKE A DECISION BEFORE HE COMES HOME AS TO WHETHER OR NOT HE'LL LIVE IN OUR HOME AND IF HE CHOOSES TO LIVE IN OUR HOME, THEN THINGS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE.

he lies by saying he may want to come back - but shows zero effort that it may happen. MY GUT IS SAYING THAT HE WON'T COME BACK - AS TO WHETHER OR NOT HE'S LYING ABOUT THAT, I DON'T KNOW

 

in this case you are his back burner gal in case his OW doesn't work out! NOT NECESSARILY. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT HE'LL REALIZE OW IS GOOD AT ONE THING - ATTRACTING MEN, AND HE'LL WANT NO FURTHER PART IN THAT. HOWEVER, HE JUST MIGHT DECIDE THAT HE'D LIKE TO EXPLORE OTHER POSSIBILITIES.

 

wow, you went from being his wife to his back burner gal! how does that feel? AWFUL!!!

he treats you like $hit and has you still begging for more of him. NO, I'M NOT "BEGGING FOR MORE OF HIM" I WANT TO FIX OUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

HE isn't the man you thought he COULD be! HE ISN'T THE MAN I MARRIED. HE WAS ONCE A REALLY DECENT MAN.

 

 

you are allowing TOO MUCH UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR FROM HIM!!! yes, YOU are allowing it ALL!

 

solution? STOP ALLOWING ANY OF IT!!!! that is the part YOU CAN CHANGE!

 

but i bet you won't...

 

stop with the waiting. you have a life to live! who cares what he's doing or not doing - get busy finding NEW ways to be happy!!! WILL DO.