I love you but I don't like you

[2sunny]

IGB - Healing takes time..you do it how YOU need to do it..not to someone else's timeline. You already have gatherers..to tell you how to "get over it", but strength is in you and always was, even when you were with him. The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you once loved what was, but it isn't your fault that he chose the path he did.

 

Please don't get way-layed on the path to self-righteousness to find yourself..you were never really lost from what I see in your posts. You have cited two totally different people here....one has a closed heart and tells people how to make her happy..the other keeps her heart open to the possibility of finding something of substance...whether is it love or just loving and accepting herself...that person hopes to only come here after five years to help people by not forcing the issue or dwelling on a man who deserves no more of my thoughts.

 

When you truly know yourself and your heart..you will reach indifference.....you do not reach it through hurt, anger or sadness...you go through those emotions to get to indifference....it takes time as at every corner there is a memory...when those lessen and you stop feeling anything for that person because they are dead to you...you will find your true self....and it will leave you open to finding the right person for you because you will be ready to feel life in you again.

 

trippi - this is GOOD - very good! i'm totally diggin' it!

 

IGB- when i realized my exH wasn't the man i THOUGHT he COULD be - is when i started to move towards accepting the man he IS and moving towards feeling completely neutral about him - neutral about what he was or wasn't doing - and i stopped spending any time and energy thinking or doing anything that concerned him.

 

THAT was when my healing began - that was when i began to move forward - that is when my heart began to open up to the possibilities of living again!

 

he is baiting you - because he is trying to get YOU to FEEL ___________ for him (insert any emotion in the blank). it's designed to keep you emotionally tied to feeling SOMETHING for him - which provides him with TWO women who care enough for him to make an effort to FEEL for him.

 

wow, it's hard to explain that concept by typing... i may not be clear... but essentially - he's being greedy by keeping two women on his string just in case one may get tired of his antics and go away - at lease he figures he has his backup plan waiting in the wings - and he's only exerted minimal effort to keep them hanging around. knowing someone stays around with minimal effort tells him he doesn't need to DO much to keep you on his string...

 

thus - he has trained you to accept the least amount of his attention possible to stay with him... so he gets the idea that he really doesn't need to make much effort to keep you. even IF he came back - he would most likely bait his OW the same way... even if it was once every long while... his ego would want to check and see IF she's still thinking of him. that is why it seems like cheating IF he were to still be pining for her even if he were WITH you. he wants it all -

 

i say - for me - IF a man isn't completely satisfied with being with ME - then I deserve a better man... a man that will love me just the way i am... and not always be looking around for something/someone HE feels is better for him.

 

my exH telling our friends now - that he wishes he could still be married to me - is a complete betrayal to his new wife. it makes me sad for her. IF he's with her - what the hell is he thinking of ME for? his mind should be with her! he's ruining the moment he's in by wanting something other than what is in front of him. he will never be happy with what he has... he will always want more than what is in front of him. THAT, i could never fix FOR him!

 

your H is only thinking of himself... to be with a man that thinks of me first, and my best interest more than i do - is an amazing difference... and one that you deserve too!

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: I can be a bit thick sometimes.

 

I'm confused by your statement: "Please don't get way-layed on the path to self-righteousness to find yourself..you were never really lost from what I see in your posts. You have cited two totally different people here....one has a closed heart and tells people how to make her happy..the other keeps her heart open to the possibility of finding something of substance..."

 

Am I being self-righteous? If so, how?

 

If it's a reference to me saying he chose to move out, I asked him to commit to our wedding vows but he felt he couldn't. He also said that he wanted to move out and had been thinking about it for a while. Since he's moved out, I've said to him over half a dozen times that he can come back whenever he wants to and we'll work on things, as that's what I'd like.

 

But his response has been "I don't want to come home." When he says that, it's like a kick in my gut - it's very upsetting to hear, especially when I consider that there are times he's going home to an empty apt and not eating home cooked meals (home cooking was important to him and one of the ways I tried to show him I loved him) - I start thinking "really, you'd rather be alone - except for the times that OW's with him - how awful am I?" Except that objectively, I know I'm not a terrible person.

 

As far as not being lost, well, I feel like I'm totally lost now - like I'll never get over him and what he's done.

 

Is citing 2 different people a reference to me or you?

 

Your statement: "knowing that you once loved what was ..." Since he's moved out of the house, it's as if he's developed an entirely different personality - he speaks differently (more cocky and arrogant), it's as if I can "see" his large ego, says mean things (he was doing that for several months before he left the house but it's worse now because he has a different tone of voice - total disdain perhaps?), that leave me thinking: "he looks like my H but he's not sounding like my H" - it's rather confusing.

 

You posted the following comment on another thread: " I think.....(no, I know) that anyone can be pulled back from an emotional affair if the other person is (a) aware of it and (b) really wants to salvage the relationship." (thread "deceived", post no. 10. Oct. 20, 2010).

 

I was aware of my H's EA and I REALLY wanted to salvage the relationship. However, despite repeated requests to go to MC, he wasn't interested. I also tried discussing things with him myself, and he just said there was nothing going on, although, you might recall that back in January, he said he was "interested" in her and asked how he "stops being interested in her." It was as if he'd totally disconnected from me and there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

Edited August 9, 2011 by itllgetbetter
typo

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: I'm STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact that my H's going down this path when he previously recognized that it's a very destructive path. This is NOT the man I know.

 

Since he's left the house, I'm the back-up plan - if that. I'm fairly certain that he's not pulling any "antics" with OW because she wouldn't put up with that.

 

I think he's exerting a fair bit of effort for the OW - he's left me, moved in to her building (did I mention that I always used to pack for him when we went away but he managed to pack for himself to leave the house?), told everyone we're separated (whilst I'm fairly tight lipped about it - still wearing my wedding and engagement ring, hoping that this will pass and he'll come back and not too many people - other than family and a few good friends - will know about this).

 

You're absolutely correct about training me to accept the least amount of attention from him - we used to spend one day on the weekend doing things together but in the fall of 2010, he decided he wanted to exercise on that day too (as a friend of mine puts it "now we know WHY he wanted to lose so much weight") so we were down to spending 1/2 a day on the weekend, as well as having dinners and breakfasts together on the weekend. Not a lot of quality time together.

 

But, I really don't feel as if he wants it all, by that I mean me and OW - it seems as if he wants OW and nothing else. He's even risking his professional license since this woman was/is a client.

 

When I referred to my husband being distracted previously, what I meant was that when he was with me, it was clear he was thinking about OW, which is similar to what you've said below.

 

When you say "he wants it all" - that's how I felt when he said that he didn't want to leave the house back in May - My gut was that he'd continue to pursue the OW while I catered to him at home, go out for expensive dinners while I sit at home, etc.

 

p.s.: what's IGB - have been meaning to ask for a while but didn't

[trippi1432]

Trippi: I can be a bit thick sometimes.

 

I'm confused by your statement: "Please don't get way-layed on the path to self-righteousness to find yourself..you were never really lost from what I see in your posts. You have cited two totally different people here....one has a closed heart and tells people how to make her happy..the other keeps her heart open to the possibility of finding something of substance..."

 

Am I being self-righteous? If so, how?

 

No IGB - you asked specifically once how to get to indifference and here that you hope to one get to where others have. You will move thru many emotions during this time, one of those being anger...sometimes that can be the hardest one to conquer. It is the most negative emotion, but one that is a must to

truly move on. It is also the most dangerous one as you can become stuck

there very easy. It can turn into a form of becoming self righteous or hate for the other gender...it can become an excuse to not move on or become

untrusting...believe me, I have been thru all those stages. If you read others threads, you can see it too and in the way people post.

 

If it's a reference to me saying he chose to move out, I asked him to commit to our wedding vows but he felt he couldn't. He also said that he wanted to move out and had been thinking about it for a

while. Since he's moved out, I've said to him over half a dozen times that he can come back whenever he wants to and we'll work on things, as that's what I'd like.

 

But his response has been "I don't want to come home." When he says that, it's like a kick in my gut - it's very upsetting to hear, especially when I consider that there are times he's going home to an empty apt and not eating home cooked meals (home cooking was important to him and one of the ways I tried to show him I loved him) - I start thinking "really, you'd rather be alone - except for the times that OW's with him - how awful am I?" Except that objectively, I know I'm not a terrible person.

 

And here is where you don't want to be the doormat, but you don't also want to be the backup plan. It is like being in limbo...but what you can do for yourself right now is find ways to help you cope as I feel that you do not see this as being totally over. You remain with hope, and that is totally normal right now, especially when there was more good than bad.

 

As far as not being lost, well, I feel like I'm totally lost now - like I'll never get over him and what he's done.

 

Now would be a good time to find things to keep you busy, a hobby, friends...etc as you are in such early stages. I noted previously that you stated he asked if you had any dates lined up...yes, that is him looking for validation that he can proceed with his affair. Mine used our son's assessment that mom must be going on a date because I was going out with friends and wouldn't tell him my business to validate moving forward with his OW. It is a way for them to continue and play down their guilt then throw it back over the fence at you. Keep reading on LS, you will be amazed at how often that happens.

 

Is citing 2 different people a reference to me or you?

 

No, more reference to the fact that 2Sunny and I share a different perspective on how we are indifferent to our exes, while there are similarities on our backgrounds, no two healing paths are the same. 2Sunny, you may feel free to correct me here, but based on the posts that the ex is treating his current wife with disrespect...etc, this causes anger. If our exes do anything to elicit a response out of us, then there is still pain to be dealt with. Once you get to indifference, there won't be pain, anger....nothing. Perhaps feeling sorry for them as you did care about them... IGB, you still have a way to go, so no, that was not in reference to you, more to differences in getting there.

 

Your statement: "knowing that you once loved what was ..." Since he's moved out of the house, it's as if he's developed an entirely different personality - he speaks differently (more cocky and arrogant),

it's as if I can "see" his large ego, says mean things (he was doing that for several months before he left the house but it's worse now because he has a different tone of voice - total disdain perhaps?), that leave me thinking: "he looks like my H but he's not sounding like my H" - it's rather confusing.

 

Of course this is what you ARE seeing and what HE is doing...believe it or not, it is actually normal. I know you are thinking "How the Hell can this be normal!!"...it's called affair fog and is also a symptom of mid life crisis. He is not the man you used to know right now...and even if he comes out of it, he

will have made some changes...perhaps good, perhaps bad. The way he will act now will make you question all sorts of things, which is why I stated love what was before this behavior he is depicting hardens your heart. Early on you stated that he was not abusive during the 10 years.

 

My first exH and I were together for only five years, but he and I were not

abusive to each other verbally, physically or mentally. I never hated him, I still don't to this day. My current exH, 15 years of verbal, mental and emotional abuse...a behavior that I never knew as a child or in any prior relationships. He took his affair fog and MLC out on me...did many of the things you cite your husband is doing...continue reading thru my early threads

and you will probably see the similarities. The advice I would like to give you is to keep you from accepting his blame as he is responsible for his actions and you have every right not to allow those to affect you.

 

You posted the following comment on another thread: " I think.....(no' date=' I know) that anyone can be pulled back from an emotional affair if the other [b']person[/b] is (a) aware of it and (b) really wants to salvage the relationship." (thread "deceived", post no. 10. Oct. 20,2010).

 

I was aware of my H's EA and I REALLY wanted to salvage the relationship. However, despite repeated requests to go to MC, he wasn't interested. I also

tried discussing things with him myself, and he just said there was nothing going on, although, you might recall that back in January, he said he was "interested" in her and asked how he "stops being interested in her." It was as

if he'd totally disconnected from me and there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

 

I do still strongly feel that a person can be pulled back from an EA, more often than not, when the relationship previously had more good than bad. It is a hit or miss on how it is approached. I think the more important question right now is what do you want to do?

 

Have you read up on the Divorce Busting website...not the forums there, but the actual articles? When my exH first left over two years ago and I found myself here on LS, I spent the money to use one of their coaches and it did work to get him back in the home. He hated MC...and did not want to continue it. So there was no follow thru on either of our parts to really put in the effort to make it work, or to change the cycle of abuse in our case.

 

It is a big decision to make as it is not 100% guaranteed to work. A lot depends on the foundation of the relationship, the love you both had for each other and if both are willing to eventually make positive changes. It is constant work...so it really comes down to how you feel about it, can you survive infidelity if it goes that way.

 

And IGB is just a shortened version of you username...sorry, when we get long usernames, some of us like to shorten them when using in responses.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: Thanks for the clarification and the time you're taking to post replies on this thread - I appreciate it. Hopefully one day I'll be able to post some good news on this situation.

 

You're correct that I don't see this as definitely over - maybe he does and he's trying to let me down gently. Although there was more good than bad, he only speaks of the bad (affair fog?) so, maybe he feels it's definitely over.

 

I suspect that it's now a PA rather than just an EA, which is perhaps why he's refusing to come to the house and pick up his mail - I think in his messed up way he figures it's cheating on the OW if he comes to his house to see his W.

 

In terms of what I want: I'd like him to want to come home to be with me, and not just as his second choice, and for us to commit to working on our M. But, I really can't see that happening because if he did come home (which my gut still says is NOT going to happen), my guess is that he wouldn't want total transparency, for example, giving me the password to his BB, which I've never asked for before, but, in light of this situation and he's newly acquired interest in texting, I'd want. I'd also like to go to MC which I don't think he'll have an interest in, although, when we've discussed our situation, we were able to do it in a rational, non-confrontational way.

 

Since he's moved out of the house, it appears that he hasn't done any work on our relationship as his focus is the OW. In addition, he's only seeking the opinions of family/friends who'll validate what he's doing.

 

I've taken a look at the divorce busting website's articles - it's a good website.

[andyg99]

In terms of what I want: I'd like him to want to come home to be with me, and not just as his second choice, and for us to commit to working on our M. But, I really can't see that happening because if he did come home (which my gut still says is NOT going to happen), my guess is that he wouldn't want total transparency, for example, giving me the password to his BB, which I've never asked for before, but, in light of this situation and he's newly acquired interest in texting, I'd want. I'd also like to go to MC which I don't think he'll have an interest in, although, when we've discussed our situation, we were able to do it in a rational, non-confrontational way.

 

.

 

This is very good - you have left the door open but you have a list of conditions that must be met for him to walk through it... don't cave on anything, if he is truly interested in getting back together he should have no problem with total transparency, if you accept anything less and he does come back you are setting yourself up for future heartbreak - guaranteed...

[itllgetbetter]

Yes, it's true. I have a date tomorrow night with my H. I called him (I know, would've been better if he'd called; and I also know that this is contrary to the 180, but, I figure it's been a month since I've last seen him).

 

It depends on the weather, but, probably we'll go golfing. He sounded happy to hear from me and said "you're not going to try to seduce me, are you?" And yes, he meant it. I think he wants to have a clear head during this time period, which is the positive spin I'm putting on that comment.

 

So, keep your fingers crossed that all goes well.

 

Woo hoo!!

Edited August 9, 2011 by itllgetbetter
typos

[Yasuandio]

trippi - this is GOOD - very good! i'm totally diggin' it!

 

IGB- when i realized my exH wasn't the man i THOUGHT he COULD be - is when i started to move towards accepting the man he IS and moving towards feeling completely neutral about him - neutral about what he was or wasn't doing - and i stopped spending any time and energy thinking or doing anything that concerned him.

 

THAT was when my healing began - that was when i began to move forward - that is when my heart began to open up to the possibilities of living again!

 

he is baiting you - because he is trying to get YOU to FEEL ___________ for him (insert any emotion in the blank). it's designed to keep you emotionally tied to feeling SOMETHING for him - which provides him with TWO women who care enough for him to make an effort to FEEL for him.

 

wow, it's hard to explain that concept by typing... i may not be clear... but essentially - he's being greedy by keeping two women on his string just in case one may get tired of his antics and go away - at lease he figures he has his backup plan waiting in the wings - and he's only exerted minimal effort to keep them hanging around. knowing someone stays around with minimal effort tells him he doesn't need to DO much to keep you on his string...

 

thus - he has trained you to accept the least amount of his attention possible to stay with him... so he gets the idea that he really doesn't need to make much effort to keep you. even IF he came back - he would most likely bait his OW the same way... even if it was once every long while... his ego would want to check and see IF she's still thinking of him. that is why it seems like cheating IF he were to still be pining for her even if he were WITH you. he wants it all -

 

2Sunny,

 

OMG did you ever put some pieces together for me in this citation. I so thank you for extending your intellect to put this very real occurance into words. Perhaps I am extremely dense, naive, or just afraid. Time and time again, coming close to 3 year separation, I have felt he has given me signs of hope.

 

I need signs of hope. I have an illness, and I am frightened. The marriage is 27 years, and an additional five together.

 

This is such an important point for IGB to get early on! It all clicked for when I read this. I have continued pining, no matter the insulting rejection I recieve. As, tiny smoke signals from him (and my own fear) somehow always keep me engaged somehow.

 

He has watched me closely in a grocery store parking lot, then sat in front of the house (assuming I did not recognize the used silver BMW he had aquired, wrong).

 

The latest, was a favor I did for him while he was out of the country (sick mom, right). I paid the cable and cell $289. I came up short on money this month, requested my support check early As well as reimbursment of cable and cell $289. He left two messages, finially stating it was under the mat at the front door. (initially his VM said he'd drop it in the mailbox day before). I let his calls go to VM.

 

Now, this is the sincher. 2sunny tell me and IGB if I have provided examples of "bait" (observing me in parkin lot, parking in front of house, two calls - two arrangentments where check will be).

 

When I picked up the check it was written for $1200. Temporary support, $1000, and $200 towards the cable and cell. [Wait a minuite, that was supposed to be $289! Now I'm in a position where I have to ask for something again, i.e., I need to contact him). Bait???

 

Why did I need an advance? Because while he enjoyed a vacation in Athens, Greece, I was getting my hands "dirty" in Athens, GA, cleaning, painting, hiring and paying for workers to fix our rental home that has become a disaster. We could lose the property for a number of reason if it is not taken care of. That's why I was there.

 

I'm sorry the story got so personal IGB, but I want to illustrate for you a real life example of 2sunny's essay (that is, if I did not misunderstand it). These kind of things have strung me along for years!!!

 

Even if I misunderstood BAIT, you have totally shifted my paradigm for the better. I get it finially.

[itllgetbetter]

Yasuandio: No problem re getting personal - it's helpful to get as much information as possible - thanks.

 

It's hard to say if the $200 cheque, instead of a $289 cheque is an error or if it's bait so that you can call him back. I really don't know.

[2sunny]

well - i'd be making a call to him Yas - and demanding the money by tomorrow morning. NO REQUESTING IT - it is not a request - he owes it and you deserve it.

 

yes, you made his life easier by doing him a huge favor to rescue him - while he was vacationing! then he short changes you? that is not nice! he should have given you 100.00 extra!

 

tell him you need it now!

[2sunny]

IGB - try not to go into your "date" with any expectations - it is always our expectations that get us disappointed.

 

try to go in feeling completely unaffected and neutral... it is best for YOU.

[Yasuandio]

well - i'd be making a call to him Yas - and demanding the money by tomorrow morning. NO REQUESTING IT - it is not a request - he owes it and you deserve it.

 

yes, you made his life easier by doing him a huge favor to rescue him - while he was vacationing! then he short changes you? that is not nice! he should have given you 100.00 extra!

 

tell him you need it now!

 

That and more he's cheated me out of. How's about I TELL him to get the dough in my hand ASAP (along with choice cuss words and phrases)? I will have to revise my thread.

[trippi1432]

IGB - How did the date go?

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: Not great. My apologies for not updating this sooner but I went out of town & no computer access.

 

Went for a picnic - made food he likes - he proceeded to find lots of fault with me. After picnic, he suggested drinks. Went for a drink and he found more fault with me - not a single compliment. Towards the end of the evening, he asked "why would you want to keep me?" I explained that he's not my possession to "keep" but that he's my husband and we made a commitment to one another when we got M. Response: "it's my decision now - I get to choose." I didn't respond to that.

 

Left town early the next morning - hadn't mentioned I was leaving town the next day and he called and left three messages, essesntially saying he had been looking forward to seeing me, it was nice seeing me, we had a difficult conversation, he'd like to see me again and to call him if I wanted to.

 

Two days after the "date", he called and left msg saying "hi" and he "loves me".

 

Three days after the "date", he called and said he was driving past our house but saw someone's car in the driveway so he didn't stop in but that he'd wanted to "drop by" and to call him if I wanted to.

 

I called him four days after the "date" and explained that I'd gone out of town with my parents, brother and one of my nieces. He was annoyed and surprised that I didn't tell him I was going out of town. My explanation was that it was a last minute thing and I also didn't want to upset him since he's been saying he has no friends or family. I explained that I'd be returning today and am free on the weekend.

 

Response: "okay".

 

Me: "I'll leave it to you if you to call if you want to get together".

 

Response: "okay".

 

An hour or so I called and left vm that I'm back and if the offer to get together's still open, to give me a call.

[2sunny]

Trippi: Not great. My apologies for not updating this sooner but I went out of town & no computer access.

 

Went for a picnic - made food he likes - he proceeded to find lots of fault with me. After picnic, he suggested drinks. Went for a drink and he found more fault with me - not a single compliment. Towards the end of the evening, he asked "why would you want to keep me?" I explained that he's not my possession to "keep" but that he's my husband and we made a commitment to one another when we got M. Response: "it's my decision now - I get to choose." I didn't respond to that.

 

Left town early the next morning - hadn't mentioned I was leaving town the next day and he called and left three messages, essesntially saying he had been looking forward to seeing me, it was nice seeing me, we had a difficult conversation, he'd like to see me again and to call him if I wanted to.

 

Two days after the "date", he called and left msg saying "hi" and he "loves me".

 

Three days after the "date", he called and said he was driving past our house but saw someone's car in the driveway so he didn't stop in but that he'd wanted to "drop by" and to call him if I wanted to.

 

I called him four days after the "date" and explained that I'd gone out of town with my parents, brother and one of my nieces. He was annoyed and surprised that I didn't tell him I was going out of town. My explanation was that it was a last minute thing and I also didn't want to upset him since he's been saying he has no friends or family. I explained that I'd be returning today and am free on the weekend.

 

Response: "okay".

 

Me: "I'll leave it to you if you to call if you want to get together".

 

Response: "okay".

 

An hour or so I called and left vm that I'm back and if the offer to get together's still open, to give me a call.

 

 

let me get this right...

 

he invites you on a date...

you make all his favorite foods (HE should be making the effort for YOU!)

he finds fault in your effort... in the beauty he should be seeing in you

you tell him you're a believer in the commitment of M

he states "it's NOW HIS choice"

he makes an effort when he thinks you are busy

you call to explain where you've been (stop that! - HE can WONDER)

you allow him to think you are COMPLETELY available to him

he blows you off - making you look unimportant by not jumping at the opportunity that he should be taking advantage of

 

an interested man calls YOU - asks YOU out on a proper date - pays for the date he has PLANNED - treats you with respect - honors you - compliments the things he loves about YOU - and tells you that YOU are the only one who matters to HIM!

 

but he's not - he's not doing that at all.

 

stop bowing down to his totally disrespectful and disregarding methods!

 

don't answer his calls - get busy being busy - so busy that you meet someone WORTHY of your kindness - NOT this man who acts self entitled and mean spirited. tell HIM YOU have made the choice for him = no more!

 

sheez, he's a dork - you seem nice. stop being so nice when he's just looking for someone to be subjected to his mean behavior. it no longer needs to be you!

[itllgetbetter]

2Sunny: I was the one who invited him on the "date" (I put date in quotes because I'm still in disbelief that I'd go on a "date" with my H!)

 

I called to explain why I hadn't returned his calls so that he wouldn't think I was rude or trying to play games in not returning his calls.

 

Other than that, you've got an accurate picture of what took place.

 

I won't tell him I've made the "choice" because I'm waiting until October, which is when he said he'd let me know by - I'm guessing there's some head shaking and eye rolling as you read that last bit.

 

I think he's very confused (although others have said he's trying to see how things go with the OW & leaving me as the back up plan), which is why I'm waiting this out.

[trippi1432]

IGB - Wait it out...I get that....but stop being a willing participant and allowing him to place blame at your feet. Why would you want to keep him, and what gives him the right to ride past your house and think that he can just "drop in"?

 

Your marriage and commitment to it is your choice and an honorable one, he stepped outside the lines therefore he has no rights to make demands on your availability. To reconcile is not for him to make the terms and boundaries, you both must make them.

 

How was he assigning fault during this exchange? What was the difficult conversation? There is more here that you are not saying....are you being a doormat for him hoping that he will wake up and choose you? Is that what you want to be, an option when you ARE his wife?

 

What he sees in the other woman is that she is a challenge...he pursues, she deflects. He takes his frustration out on you because you are easy prey...he already has you. She stands her ground...makes the rules of engagement....you ask for a "date", with your husband.....as long as you give a man "permission" to have his cake and eat it too...he will!! And he will see absolutely nothing wrong with it because somehow you gave him the right to.

 

In his mind, she respects herself by keeping him at bay...by setting the boundaries and terms of the nature of the relationship. In his affair fog, he would probably eat s*it for her, but come back to you to take out the frustrations of that because you allow it. My exH did this after he left for about four months....while he was living with the OW. It had nothing to do with the bad things in our marriage as he had no intention of wanting to fix it, it was not out of love or compassion for me or the want to recon the marriage....it had everything to do with his confusion, guilt and lack of respect....stop being the target.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: "dropping in" is the first time he's mentioned this since leaving the house and it only happend once, being last week.

 

Assigning fault with me: Anything he "perceived" (I put that in quotes because his perception isn't always reality) to be wrong with me was 100% my fault. I think I explained earlier on in this thread that according to him, it's my fault that he's interested in this OW.

 

The "difficult conversation" was me listening to everything he perceived that I'd done wrong since the day we married. I corrected him exactly twice that evening - the first time, he acknowledged that I was correct, the second time he responded by saying something like: "this is why I wouldn't want to come back to the house - because you'd just be defensive when I pointed something out".

 

One thing I try to do is LISTEN to what's said to me and not automatically react negatively. For example, when he told me in January he's interested in the OW, I didn't lose my temper. Because she was a client, I said that I thought it was important never to be alone with her and always have another employee with him. I didn't say he should never see the woman again because I knew he'd react very negatively to that because she's a client.

 

Another example of fault: he pointed out that I wasn't bettering myself by doing volunteer work (which I do a small bit of and will be doing more of come Sept - that's when what I'm interested in needs people). According to him, I need to "work on myself to become a better person". Although I'm not perfect, I'm not THAT bad a person. He doesn't do any volunteer work.

 

It doesn't appear that he's done anything to work on our relationship while he's been away.

 

I'm not sure that even in his mind she respects herself. You might recall that based on her background, my H commented to me in June that she'll probably "dump" him too.

 

But I agree that it's her who's setting up the boundaries and terms of their relationship.

[itllgetbetter]

H called a few minutes ago and suggested we get together tomorrow afternoon which I agreed to (big surprise). I asked why he called a few times last week and he said he was "lonely". I asked "lonely for me?" And he said "well, you're the one I called."

 

During our relatively brief discussion, I said I missed doing various things with him. His response was something to the effect that I missed the "routine" of doing various things. I explained that that wasn't it and that it's him I miss. I guess you'd say I'm one that wears her heart on her sleeve.

[trippi1432]

Response: "okay".

 

Me: "I'll leave it to you if you to call if you want to get together".

 

Response: "okay".

 

An hour or so I called and left vm that I'm back and if the offer to get together's still open, to give me a call.

 

So then what was this part? If you were being honest that you were leaving it up to him to call...why did you call him back an hour later to see if the offer was still available?

 

I'm not saying that you don't see thru the BS....personally, I think you are smarter than that. What I am saying is that you are still being a willing participant in how he treats you.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: I said I'd leave it up to him when we were speaking and I was out of town - that was six days ago now. I was being honest when I said it. Frankly, I was a hurt that I said I was available and he didn't take me up on it - and I can guess the reason why, which was more upsetting.

 

When I got back in town yesterday (5 days after the phone discussion in which I said the above), I thought about calling briefly and was able to justify the call, which just shows that if you want something badly enough, you can always justify it. And, as crazy as this sounds, I felt guilty for not letting him know that. And yes, I know that’s crazy considering the circumstances.

 

And finally, I figured that since he'd left 5 messages for me, including the one that said he loved me (odd way of showing it though), wanting me to call him, asking to see me - after all that, I figured I could suggest again, as I did yesterday, getting together.

 

I forgot to mention in this afternoon's phone conversation with H, I said something like "I feel very alone". And he said "that's the way I was feeling when we were living together".

 

When he made the comment about feeling alone when we were living together, I couldn't help but think that's because he was distracted by OW since Oct. 2010. However, the advice I received from a couple of sources was that I shouldn't mention OW at all to H. So, I didn't mention H being distracted by her.

 

I fully appreciate my status as the doormat - and a willing participant in the BS. And, as I've indicated previously, I cut him additional slack because of his depression, and I keep thinking perhaps if he can see how much I love and care about him, he'll wake up and realize what a mistake he's making. I think his depression may also mean that he needs a bit more attention/caring than someone who's not dealing with that.

 

I just want my husband back in our home so that we can work things out. I hope that doesn't sound too pathetic, but, it's how I feel.

Edited August 21, 2011 by itllgetbetter
typos

[LifesontheUp]

I'm sorry for what you are going through itllgetbetter. I think that there is nothing wrong with you wanting your husband back at all - this is your marriage and how you feel.

 

What I would caution you though is that you don't try and get him back at all costs and you want him back for all the right reasons. By that I mean, he needs to be remorseful and willing to work on his issues and that you want him back because you love him and not because you miss having someone there with you.

[itllgetbetter]

Lifesontheup: Thanks - it's not just that I miss having someone with me - I really love him and, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I want to do everything I can to save the M. I never want to look back and say "if only I'd done ...".

[LifesontheUp]

Lifesontheup: Thanks - it's not just that I miss having someone with me - I really love him and, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I want to do everything I can to save the M. I never want to look back and say "if only I'd done ...".

 

I understand that. Just make sure that you set a time limit on this one (think I read you had so thats good). Also, he should come back on your terms after what he has done. Set your boundaries itllgetbetter and stick to them.

 

Wishing you the very best.

[trippi1432]

I'm sorry for what you are going through itllgetbetter. I think that there is nothing wrong with you wanting your husband back at all - this is your marriage and how you feel.

 

What I would caution you though is that you don't try and get him back at all costs and you want him back for all the right reasons. By that I mean, he needs to be remorseful and willing to work on his issues and that you want him back because you love him and not because you miss having someone there with you.

 

I understand that. Just make sure that you set a time limit on this one (think I read you had so thats good). Also, he should come back on your terms after what he has done. Set your boundaries itllgetbetter and stick to them.

 

Wishing you the very best.

 

IGB - very good advice here. All I am trying to say about not being a doormat and a willing participant to the way he treats you is that it is okay for you to assert yourself when he blameshifts it onto you. It's not a tit-for-tat when you are speaking your truth.

 

When he blameshifts, tell him you are sorry he feels that way as those are HIS feelings to sort out. It's not your fault that he turned to someone else, that is his to resolve. If he was unhappy in his marriage, he should have worked on that with you, spoken up about what he was unhappy about....he made the decision to put his attention elsewhere.

 

IGB - I paid $250 to a Divorce Coach to do essentially what you are doing....'be sincere' as the goal was to get him back in the home. He came back for 5 weeks....he left again because I didn't do all the changing according to his terms. He rebelled like a child all through MC....everything was my fault. And while some things were truly my fault on how he saw things....the one thing he never saw and still doesn't to this day as he repeats his pattern with his new wife...is the role he played in both of our unhappiness.

 

If he does come back home, it cannot be just on his terms.