I love you but I don't like you

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: We haven't scheduled the MC session that's together yet. Counsellor said he has one spot available the first week in October.

 

2sunny: I'm being realistic about his effort. I'm under no illusions. I'm just trying to do my best.

 

Andyg99: I made my MC appointment and he made his MC appointment. The MC only contacted my H AFTER I'd had my session, which set things delayed things a week. Then the MC & H's schedules only permitted a meeting this week. It was a legitimate delay in booking my H's appointment due to both their schedules.

[itllgetbetter]

H called 3 times, 2 of those times I was out.

 

Message One: He's back in town safely and was thinking about me on weekend & to call back if I wanted to.

 

Message Two: He asked that I call him back as he wanted to speak to me.

 

I was home for his third call & we chatted. He in a round about way wanted a run-down of my weekend. Sat. night I went to an event with a friend that I purchased tickets for before he left our home. I asked H weeks ago if he'd like to come but he said he couldn't as he would be at a conference. So, I invited a friend. He asked who I went with and I wouldn't tell him.

 

Response: "I thought we were trying to work things out; keeping secrets doesn't help."

 

Me: "I don't ask what you've been doing when you're not living at home, or who you're going out with. But, so you're aware, I'm M and I don't think M people should date" (Andyg99's line - thanks Andy).

 

He then asked what it is I liked about him, I named some things, and, before I was finished my list, he iterjected: "It sounds like you're just missing a companion."

 

Me: "I'm missing my H and there's no replacing you."

 

Him: "It doesn't sound like you like or respect me ... you made the midlife crisis comment".

 

I explained that while not minimizing his concerns with me, I thought that might be an explanation for his out of character behavior.

 

He asked how it is I could let him come back home after what's happened (not that I know 99% of what's happened), and I explained that sometimes M's can be better than they were before things like this happened, meaning the separation (that's per Dr. Harley's books).

 

He said he missed my "softness and tenderness" & was crying as he said it, and that's the way the phone conversation ended.

 

Finally, Adele's "Someone Like You" is WAY overplayed. EVERYTIME I'm in the car or at the hairdresser, I hear it. I just played it on youtube (because the 2 x I heard it today apparently weren't enough). Any chance it can be banned from radio stations for the next 6 months or so?

 

Andyg99: The one exception to the no dating while M rule I'd make is going out with Tyler Perry - heck, Adele's Someone Like You could even be played at the time & I'd be cool with it - no tears at all.

Edited September 27, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: You COULD actually say it'd be okay to go on a date with TP since, I have even less of a chance of that happening than me winning a lottery, which isn't likely since I buy lotto tickets maybe 3 x per year.

 

I'm trying to add a LITTLE levity in an otherwise unpleasant situation.

[itllgetbetter]

It's me. Again.

 

E-mailed H that some of his bills arrived at our home.

 

He called and suggested he come by on the weekend.

 

Me: "Sure. What works for you?"

 

H: "Friday night."

 

Me: "Okay. Would you like dinner?"

 

H: "Sure".

 

People .... I'm trying to be the bigger person in all of this since I'm not totally blameless. And I'm also following the divorcebusters advice. If I post a message Friday night saying H left and we're Ding, just picture Dr. Phil asking "How's that working for you?" wrt taking advice.

 

And for all the male LS members who are a bit bitter about women generally: See, there are still some women out there - not doormats - just women who are trying REALLY hard to get things back on track.

Edited September 27, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[trippi1432]

Promise me..above all...you will watch YOUR health.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: I'm assuming you're referring to my mental health???

 

But seriously, if it wasn't my mental health you were referring to, I'm TOTALLY mortified that everyone's now reading this, which is why, of course, I thought I'd draw even MORE attention to your post.

 

And yes, of course I will - mom!!!

[trippi1432]

Like all good "moms"....I will be here. :o

 

You know how to get up with me....AND..you have a good head on your shoulders

[andyg99]

does not knowing who Tyler Perry is make me old?

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: No, it doesn't make you old. But, it does mean you're not an Oprah fan. I first saw him interviewed on Oprah about two years ago and hadn't heard of him till then myself. He's a movie director/producer/actor - rags to riches story - at some point he lived out of his car I believe. Gave Oprah & Gayle (you DO know who Gayle is, don't you?) each a white Rolls Royce for Christmas back in 2009 I believe it was.

 

Your post above put a smile on my face - I think I said before you've got a good sense of humor.

 

I note though that you did NOT answer my question.

Edited September 27, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[andyg99]

Andyg99: No, it doesn't make you old. But, it does mean you're not an Oprah fan. I first saw him interviewed on Oprah about two years ago and hadn't heard of him till then myself. He's a movie director/producer/actor - rags to riches story - at some point he lived out of his car I believe. Gave Oprah & Gayle (you DO know who Gayle is, don't you?) each a white Rolls Royce for Christmas back in 2009 I believe it was.

 

Your post above put a smile on my face - I think I said before you've got a good sense of humor.

 

I note though that you did NOT answer my question.

 

someone gave Oprah a Rolls??? that's sad! and no, I have no idea who Gayle is! I guess she must be important since she doesn't have a last name!

 

BTW - I'm not sure what question you are referring to, I re-read your last few posts and didn't see one...

[itllgetbetter]

Andyg99: Question re TP is at the end of post 253 and also in post 254. Look forward to your thoughts on this very important question, just in case I'm faced with that choice.

 

Gayle's last name is "King" - she's Oprah's best friend, she's known as "Gayle".

 

It was actually very thoughtful of TP to give Oprah the Tolls (as Gayle pointed out during that show) since Oprah's always giving things to people.

Edited September 28, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[andyg99]

Andyg99: Question re TP is at the end of post 253 and also in post 254. Look forward to your thoughts on this very important question, just in case I'm faced with that choice.

 

.

 

LOL! I get it now - but no, you can't even be with this Perry dude until you either end or fix the thing with your husband (then you'd need his permission)! Now that should give you the incentive to finally move forward and get an answer from your husband ASAP!!! right???

[Steen719]

OK..this is what I heard on Ellen and I think it is appropriate to share with you, particularly, Andy, since you said you were old and used lol

 

This is from memory, so it could be a little different.

 

This woman texted her son and other family members from the hospital and said that "At hospital and wanted to let you know. Dad has died. lol"

 

Her son texted back and said "Mom, how is that funny" and she said "what do you mean?' and he said "lol means laugh out loud" and she said "Oh no, I thought it meant lots of love...I have to go; I have a lot of people to get in touch with".

 

lol

[2sunny]

 

I have another date

 

It's me. Again.

 

E-mailed H that some of his bills arrived at our home.

 

He called and suggested he come by on the weekend.

 

Me: "Sure. What works for you?"

 

H: "Friday night."

 

Me: "Okay. Would you like dinner?"

 

H: "Sure".

 

People .... I'm trying to be the bigger person in all of this since I'm not totally blameless. And I'm also following the divorcebusters advice. If I post a message Friday night saying H left and we're Ding, just picture Dr. Phil asking "How's that working for you?" wrt taking advice.

 

And for all the male LS members who are a bit bitter about women generally: See, there are still some women out there - not doormats - just women who are trying REALLY hard to get things back on track.

 

 

since you continue asking for the date - he's not actually making the effort to "date" you - especially when you offer to cook.

 

let's see him ASK YOU out on a date and romance you - buy flowers and dinner and such. this is not considered a date that you offered. i'd put it in the big doormat category.

 

IF he wanted to date you - he wouldn't be on a dating site - and he'd be making the effort to CHASE you!

 

and you saying that YOU are trying hard to get things back on track - i can't see it that way when HE has derailed the TRAIN WRECK - and has NO INTENTION of getting that train back on track.

 

NONE of his ACTIONS show that he's making effort with good intentions to fix what he ruined... NONE!

 

stop chasing!

[itllgetbetter]

H called a little while ago to say that he scheduled, if it's convenient for me, a MC session for the two of us together next Tues. afternoon (he did this this evening during his IC MC session), so, I doubt he'll fill me in this weekend on what's happening with the rest of our lives and our M.

 

He also said he's got a meeting Sat. that'll take about 2 hours. I asked if I'll be seeing him after that and he said yes. Phraseology's difficult these days. For example, I didn't want to ask "will you be coming home after the meeting?" as I (please in advance do NOT give me a hard time about this!) didn't want to make him feel awkward.

 

And yes, I am aware that I'm letting HIM make the decision about our M. And I also know that's not good. But maybe this weekend he'll decide to tell me what's been happening in his life these past 4.5 months.

 

On the upside, H removed his profile from match yesterday. That's just swell, isn't it?!! It's a crazy world.

 

Andyg99: It's actually not much of an incentive re TP since I have a better chance of winning the lottery (and I RARELY buy tickets) than meeting TP. However, IF H was still on the fence AND TP showed up at my doorstep, I just MIGHT be able to come to a decision about my life.

 

Steen719: That's hilarious re the LOL - actually, it was LOL.

[trippi1432]

H called a little while ago to say that he scheduled, if it's convenient for me, a MC session for the two of us together next Tues. afternoon (he did this this evening during his IC MC session), so, I doubt he'll fill me in this weekend on what's happening with the rest of our lives and our M.

 

He also said he's got a meeting Sat. that'll take about 2 hours. I asked if I'll be seeing him after that and he said yes. Phraseology's difficult these days. For example, I didn't want to ask "will you be coming home after the meeting?" as I (please in advance do NOT give me a hard time about this!) didn't want to make him feel awkward.

 

And yes, I am aware that I'm letting HIM make the decision about our M. And I also know that's not good. But maybe this weekend he'll decide to tell me what's been happening in his life these past 4.5 months.

 

On the upside, H removed his profile from match yesterday. That's just swell, isn't it?!! It's a crazy world.

 

Andyg99: It's actually not much of an incentive re TP since I have a better chance of winning the lottery (and I RARELY buy tickets) than meeting TP. However, IF H was still on the fence AND TP showed up at my doorstep, I just MIGHT be able to come to a decision about my life.

 

Steen719: That's hilarious re the LOL - actually, it was LOL.

 

Not crazy...many men on that site get conflicted when they are lying to themselves and know they are being dishonest....at the first sign of interest, they take down their profile because they know they are married and lying to themselves and others.

 

Where your thinking does need to be is where this is going. He was stockpiling $$, it could have been dates or is it because his lease is coming up for renewal? Make sure that if he does want to come back it is not because he is looking for a soft place to fall, he is going to have to do some work too.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: Re the soft place to fall: I don't think he'd do that as he was soooo unhappy for soooo long, and, now that he's been on his own for several months, he'd figure the worst part of being alone is over in that it gets easier as time goes by.

 

Re men being conflicted when they get attention from women on dating sites: My H listed his marital status as "currently separated". I'm confused about that since if men have an affair, I think that's just as bad as being M and on a dating site. Or, am I confusing something?

 

Being the optimist I am, I thought that since H said he'd return on Sat. after his meeting, he may say during MC session next week he'll come back. But, then again, he may say he needs more time. I REALLY need to stop analyzing everything like this!!!

[2sunny]

it's hard to continue watching you have such hope when your H isn't DOING much to give hope.

 

you can't even ASK for his truth... what part of that looks healthy? you should be asking EVERYTHING on YOUR mind! and asking with blatant honesty - and expecting ANSWERS!

 

start asking! when two people are making EFFORT to work things out - they COMMUNICATE.

 

this all looks so backwards for what healthy should be.

 

you walking on eggshells for him isn't going to get this marriage anywhere - except to a place with more untruths - half truths - and more lying by omission!

 

you aren't speaking your truth and certainly aren't using your voice... which is bound to make you emotionally and physically sick.

[itllgetbetter]

2sunny: Good to hear from you - was wondering why you hadn't weighed in with your thoughts.

 

You're not incorrect in your post below.

 

But, I am trying to be optimistic about things, which is why I thought it was a step in the right direction when he asked twice what he needs to do to fix things, and when he said there needs to be "forgiveness". Moreover, it was him who suggested MC a few weeks back.

 

I'd guess that at some point this weekend, I may get more information from him. And I'll definitely get more information during MC session next week.

 

But, some part of me doesn't want to know what's happened these past few months and just wants to forget what's gone on and just move ahead with our lives & our M and making the necessary corrections to it. Although that sounds like wanting to bury my head in the sand, for me, it's about moving forward. To be clear though, I'd want his perspective on what it is that got us to the point of separation.

 

This is difficult to explain but, I'll do my best. I've never quit anything in my life. When it came to M, the thought of D didn't cross my mind because I always thought whatever difficulties my H and I had, we'd work them out because D wouldn't be an option. Before we got M, a friend of my H's asked whether we were getting a pre-nup. We said no because:

 

(a) neither of us had anything;

 

(b) if we needed a pre-nup, it'd be like admitting M is going to fail before it even happens; and

 

© we were in our 30's when we M, so, having waited that long, we were "sure" we were making the right decision.

 

A colleague of mine commented the other day (he knows what's going on with my M) that I'm very "confident" and "kick a$$" in all other aspects of my life, that it was surprising how I'm reacting to what's happening rather than making some decisions for myself and taking care of myself.

 

For me, my H was the one person I felt like I could show my weaknesses/vulnerabilities to. It's about loving and caring for someone and wanting to fix our M, especially when I feel like the reasons I was given for the separation aren't good reasons to end a M and if there's a willingness by both my H and I, our difficulties can be resolved.

Edited September 29, 2011 by itllgetbetter

[2sunny]

i'm a bit absent = been working 7 days a week lately...

 

especially when I feel like the reasons I was given for the separation aren't good reasons to end a M

 

this is part of what i see as a big problem - he hasn't given you info as to what was the REAL issue that pushed him away - or LURED him away. until he knows what that is- and admits to it - then fixes what is broken within HIMSELF... he's only offering you his broken self. he has a lot of work to DO on his own IF he even intends to work on the M.

 

in order to forgive - you need more honesty and info from him... thus far, he hasn't offered that.

 

and if there's a willingness by both my H and I, our difficulties can be resolved.

 

he needs to resolve things within himself first - then work on repairing the damage his actions caused. it is YOUR decision at THAT point whether or not to forgive - based on what truth he provides to you. as of now, you don't have his truth - so there's nothing yet to forgive.

 

the M can't be fixed or resolved until HE decides first to DO HIS part... after he understands WHY he wanted out - why he decided another gal was interesting to him - and why he would have considered ending the M for her - and HOW he can possibly offer you change at this point, honesty and repair the damage HE caused - until he does all THAt - you don't have a thing to consider.

 

after that - IF he does all that - is when you should consider forgiving - then moving forward to heal the M.

 

until he takes action and begins DOING ALL OF THAT - there isn't a thing you need to be doing for him. this is his mess to clean up at this point.

 

your job is to get busy living and being happy.

 

stop worrying about what he is or isn't doing. start taking good care of you!

 

until he offers all his truth and completely different behaviors along with a huge apology - you don't really need to speak to him at all.

[itllgetbetter]

Yesterday my kitchen table looked as if I was studying for an exam - notebooks, books, highlighters - I'm working harder reconciliation than I did in school, which makes sense, but, dating was NOT this difficult!!!

 

Had a TWO HOUR phone counselling session (no, I'm NOT crazy!!!) with another MC that my aunt recommended - MC has a VERY impressive resume and was quite helpful - basically she said that IF H tells me this weekend that he needs more time, AND he agrees to go to MC with me, AND I want to work on M, then I should "graciously" give him the extra time (I'm bottom lining it for you). She's also a big advocate of honesty.

 

That makes 2 psychologists, 2 MC and my aunt (the shrink) that I've consulted, in addition to family and friends, as well as divorce busters. And I've done lots of reading in this area that, prior to a few months ago, had absolutely no knowledge about. Anything that I've missed or that I've overlooked?

 

H called me yesterday morning at home before work to say hi. That was the extent of the conversation.

 

Then he called me this morning at work to say hi so "naturally" I took the opportunity to let him know I was missing him last night (TMI?) and was looking forward to tonight.

 

My cleaning lady, who's never met my H and isn't particularly effective at her job, assured me last week that he'd be coming back home.

 

This evening's dinner prep's complete and my clothes are laid out (no black as he thought I wore too much black). House is spotless (and no, the cleaning lady was NOT here yesterday!)

 

This is harder than dating when I was MUCH younger!!!

 

2sunny: My guess is that at some point this weekend, he'll be more forthright than previously.

 

I think in part I know why he wanted out - he felt like I was ignoring him.

 

You and others have previously advised to "start taking good care of you". I'm SURE if you keep mentioning it to me, eventually it will sink in.

 

If I happen to post this weekend that M is over, you might want to purchase shares in Kleenex when the stock markets open.

[trippi1432]

IGB - Huge Hugs!! I hope that he is forthcoming this weekend in what the two of you can achieve in happiness for both of you. Remember that this is not just about him, it's about him, you and the "us" factor....what will make him happy, what will make you happy and what makes you both happy when you are spending time together.

 

The biggest thing here that I think all of us have been trying to say, is that while it is his decision if he wants to come back, it is also your decision to allow that. If his coming back means you have to do all the changing, all the egg-shell walking, live in fear of him leaving again...that is no way to live. One or both of you will eventually be unhappy....take it from someone who turned her head and swept it under the rug many times.

 

Hopefully he will be sincere about the MC and be sincere in wanting to make the marriage work, I hope with as much sincerity as you have given him. If he does not respect that, does not see the wonderful wife that he has, then he doesn't deserve you.

 

Best of luck this weekend.

 

~Trippi~

[ShatteredReality]

Good luck! Hoping to hear good news after the weekend - it's been a long hard road...and hoping you keep some self respect and dignity in all of this!

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

Yesterday my kitchen table looked as if I was studying for an exam - notebooks, books, highlighters - I'm working harder reconciliation than I did in school, which makes sense, but, dating was NOT this difficult!!!

 

Had a TWO HOUR phone counselling session (no, I'm NOT crazy!!!) with another MC that my aunt recommended - MC has a VERY impressive resume and was quite helpful - basically she said that IF H tells me this weekend that he needs more time, AND he agrees to go to MC with me, AND I want to work on M, then I should "graciously" give him the extra time

 

NOOO!!!! I don't care if Dr. Freud himself is counseling you and telling you this... MORE TIME FOR WHAT??????

 

(I'm bottom lining it for you). She's also a big advocate of honesty.

 

That makes 2 psychologists, 2 MC and my aunt (the shrink) that I've consulted, in addition to family and friends, as well as divorce busters. And I've done lots of reading in this area that, prior to a few months ago, had absolutely no knowledge about. Anything that I've missed or that I've overlooked?

 

yes - you have overlooked the fact that he is the one who should be doing the work..

 

it's almost exhausting just reading your describing how hard you are working for this... please, please open your eyes and slow down! let him do the heavy lifting!

 

H called me yesterday morning at home before work to say hi. That was the extent of the conversation.

 

Then he called me this morning at work to say hi so "naturally" I took the opportunity to let him know I was missing him last night (TMI?) and was looking forward to tonight.

 

take that opportunity to also tell him he still owes you come serious discussions on his affair - or would you rather keep it hidden in the closet?

 

My cleaning lady, who's never met my H and isn't particularly effective at her job, assured me last week that he'd be coming back home.

 

This evening's dinner prep's complete and my clothes are laid out (no black as he thought I wore too much black). House is spotless (and no, the cleaning lady was NOT here yesterday!)

 

This is harder than dating when I was MUCH younger!!!

 

2sunny: My guess is that at some point this weekend, he'll be more forthright than previously.

 

why guess - make him man-up and be forthright...

 

I think in part I know why he wanted out - he felt like I was ignoring him.

 

now you're justifying what he did, you will deny this but it's exactly what you are doing...

 

You and others have previously advised to "start taking good care of you". I'm SURE if you keep mentioning it to me, eventually it will sink in.

 

If I happen to post this weekend that M is over, you might want to purchase shares in Kleenex when the stock markets open.

 

your weekend should end with you knowing for sure one way or another where you two are going - if you're still up in the air over things then I don't know what to say. You are torturing yourself now and he is watching you do it. What kind of man does that???

 

Please take care - we are all here for you no matter what...

 

[Steen719]

Andy,

Did you read post 264 that I wrote for you?? :laugh: