Any legal tips for a BS here?

[Yasuandio]

I'll take that as a dead accurate complement. All systems are "GO."

 

Countdown. Ten, nine, eight...

 

Keep us informed about any problems that may surface, Houston.

 

Over & Out. [i have to have the last word.]

 

P.S. Dude, man. Please don't respond. I'm totally maxed out on "rocket-speak," and I'm not really interested in NASA.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Trimmer]

Saul -

 

You probably have much more important things occupying your energies than LS, but I was just thinking about you. I hope all is going well (as can be expected, anyway), and we're here if you need us at some point.

[Saul Goodman]

Christ, I need to vent guys.

 

It's over. She ran off, blocked all communications, and left the kids with me. All on Saturday. All that legal planning was effing unnecessary. She says that I can have everything. She doesn't care anymore. How can she just abandon our kids like that? Does she even give a damn about anything? I just don't get it.

 

I know that I haven't been the perfect husband, but I feel like a horrible human being right now. It's like she was taunting me, and being sadistically cruel just for the hell of it. Torn me to pieces. Pretty much everything she said was true. I spent so much time at work. I would sometimes neglect her when I came home. I yelled at her when I was extremely stressed. I accept my role, I'm not the easiest man to live with. I've been working on these problems for years because I didn't want to hurt her. But what my wife has been doing is just plain spiteful. Full of hatred. She never accepted her role. She never said anything.

 

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel like complete sh_t.

 

Eff me, this is too much stress.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[PegNosePete]

Sorry that happened dude. But at least you've done a bit of planning already.

 

She says that I can have everything.

They often say that, and change their minds later. File for divorce right away, and get it in writing ASAP!

[Steen719]

Christ, I need to vent guys.

 

It's over. She ran off, blocked all communications, and left the kids with me. All on Saturday. All that legal planning was effing unnecessary. She says that I can have everything. She doesn't care anymore. How can she just abandon our kids like that? Does she even give a damn about anything? I just don't get it.

 

I know that I haven't been the perfect husband, but I feel like a horrible human being right now. It's like she was taunting me, and being sadistically cruel just for the hell of it. Torn me to pieces. Pretty much everything she said was true. I spent so much time at work. I would sometimes neglect her when I came home. I yelled at her when I was extremely stressed. I accept my role, I'm not the easiest man to live with. I've been working on these problems for years because I didn't want to hurt her. But what my wife has been doing is just plain spiteful. Full of hatred. She never accepted her role. She never said anything.

 

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel like complete sh_t.

 

Eff me, this is too much stress.

 

Listen, Saul. None of us are perfect. We all do things we should not in relationships, but the difference is...she cheated and lied and has now abandoned her family. You are not a horrible human being. I don't get it..really, I do not. Why is is so hard for our spouses to just be freaking honest and tell us they want to go instead of doing this crap to us?

 

I am sorry this happened to you. You have rough days ahead, I imagine. I can't remember if I read how old your kids are, but they need you now, so do your best to pull yourself together for them, at least while they are nearby.

 

Take care of yourself.

[2.50 a gallon]

Even though when you know it is coming, when the chit hits the fan it can be devastating.

 

I know you are shell shocked

 

She left the kids with you. They need you now more than ever, see a lawyer and get temp custody today. The alternative they move in with her and you end up paying the OM to be their new daddy

 

This Is War

[zsu234]

Make sure you expose to the OMW and all your friends and family now!

 

None of this is your fault, she reacted absolutely textbook perfect from the cheaters handbook.

 

You're at war now, make sure your kids know why mommy abandoned her family.

[John Michael Kane]

Christ, I need to vent guys.

 

It's over. She ran off, blocked all communications, and left the kids with me. All on Saturday. All that legal planning was effing unnecessary. She says that I can have everything. She doesn't care anymore. How can she just abandon our kids like that? Does she even give a damn about anything? I just don't get it.

 

I know that I haven't been the perfect husband, but I feel like a horrible human being right now. It's like she was taunting me, and being sadistically cruel just for the hell of it. Torn me to pieces. Pretty much everything she said was true. I spent so much time at work. I would sometimes neglect her when I came home. I yelled at her when I was extremely stressed. I accept my role, I'm not the easiest man to live with. I've been working on these problems for years because I didn't want to hurt her. But what my wife has been doing is just plain spiteful. Full of hatred. She never accepted her role. She never said anything.

 

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel like complete sh_t.

 

Eff me, this is too much stress.

 

Forget her. Time to get her off you.

[PegNosePete]

make sure your kids know why mommy abandoned her family.

No, don't drag the kids into the war zone.

[Steen719]

No, don't drag the kids into the war zone.

 

I agree 100%.

[Yasuandio]

Saul,

 

Forgive me. I am going to give you a different perspective as I did before. Perhaps it is not too late to attempt to rectify this matter, and at least give her a chance to let her get a word in edgewise.

 

In the end, I too concurred with all of the posters because of everything thing at stake. And to - you said you were done with her - even though you still loved her.

 

What could be a better outcome than this, really? You have effively extracted her in humilation you've outsmarted, outgunned, and out-played her, you totally outed her and you're about to out the OM. Then he is likely to do same thing to her.

 

That's why I asked you if you ever had the habit of playing the "got cha" game. There is some emotional need of hers that the OM has been meeting - that you have not met.

 

Now, after blastoff, you are becoming more introspective. Could that have been more in order apriori to sting operation? Your friend's experience was the template you were using to trace your decision making. Too, you were also making the assumption that your wife was the same as your friend's wife in character. Only you know this.

 

I propose you have your cake and eat it too. I advise you do not do anymore damage. You do not need to expose OM to end relationship. Immediately right now your wife is a needy bag of worms. Let it work it's self out. Let her make the choice to come back to you and/or her children. Let her do the exposing. Let her find out who stays by her side.

 

There is no need for any more drama. You've done quite enough. Exposing affair to his wife alone may have been a better choice, period. But it's too late and we didn't think of that in time.

 

I think you need to call her and tell her you feel you went about this the wrong way. (if you do). Since your deed is the last one done, it needs to be addressed first. I think it is serious what you did - unless you really meant to disappear her for good. It sure doesn't sound like it.

 

What the heck would you do if you were her, and you got had like that? Got played that long, even if you were in the wrong -- someone was watching, waiting, gathering evidence on you - it's not unlike stalking. Then you get ambushed, entrapped essentially.

 

You know it is illigal for police to entrapped criminals. Why is that you think? Answer that question please.

[andyg99]

Christ, I need to vent guys.

 

It's over. She ran off, blocked all communications, and left the kids with me. All on Saturday. All that legal planning was effing unnecessary. She says that I can have everything. She doesn't care anymore. How can she just abandon our kids like that? Does she even give a damn about anything? I just don't get it.

 

I know that I haven't been the perfect husband, but I feel like a horrible human being right now. It's like she was taunting me, and being sadistically cruel just for the hell of it. Torn me to pieces. Pretty much everything she said was true. I spent so much time at work. I would sometimes neglect her when I came home. I yelled at her when I was extremely stressed. I accept my role, I'm not the easiest man to live with. I've been working on these problems for years because I didn't want to hurt her. But what my wife has been doing is just plain spiteful. Full of hatred. She never accepted her role. She never said anything.

 

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel like complete sh_t.

 

Eff me, this is too much stress.

 

Do not put so much blame on yourself! In time after you begin to heal you will put this in the proper perspective and you'll be able to see where you were wrong and then you can take your share of the blame. Now is not the time to do this. You need to just go into full survival mode now, you haye your kids - that is very good. It sounds like she just over-reacted and stormed out like a teenager who was caght doing something wrong. There's a good chance she will re-think the whole "you can have the kids and everythnig else" decision. In fact in the long run it's better that there is a fair settlement as opposed to one getting everything.

 

Draw up a fair settlement and have it sent to her - one which has shared custody, if she still wants to give you all (including the kids) then have her agree to it in writing...

 

It's not normal for a parent to abandon a child, I'm in the middle of a situation where that is exactly what is happening, it's the most selfish and evil thing any person can do to a kid, it's abuse IMO. Just put those kids first - let her go to her new love. Look at today as day 1 of your new life. Right now it sucks but trust me on this, I lived it and I came out a better man. You will too!!!

[andyg99]

Let her make the choice to come back to you and/or her children. Let her do the exposing. Let her find out who stays by her side.

 

 

How about Saul makes the choice? she has left and the last thing he should do is to wait for anyone to be making any choices about his life. He is in pain (a pain all of us here know too well) but he has taken charge of his life, I hope he continues on this path, it will be good for him and his kids.

[Saul Goodman]

Really bad day.

 

They often say that, and change their minds later. File for divorce right away, and get it in writing ASAP!

Yeah. Went to my lawyer a few hours ago. Seeing what I can do for the kids and myself right now.

 

She knows that I have recorded everything that she said to me on Saturday (so she has shot herself in the foot), and doesn't care. I think that she is seriously going to abandon our kids. How can you be a loving mother on one day, and this on another?

 

Why is is so hard for our spouses to just be freaking honest and tell us they want to go instead of doing this crap to us?

I know. If she had just said that she had fallen out of love and found another man, I'd be hurt, but I'd be more understanding. Getting a safety net first and lying to me for over a year? Bleh.

 

Make sure you expose to the OMW

When things calm down, I will. I think my wife may do something crazy. I don't think that she is in the sanest mood.

 

No, don't drag the kids into the war zone.

I won't. And it seems like she doesn't even care. She could just be talking sh_t though.

 

@Yas: I didn't expect this to end well at all since neither of us have acted like saints, but my contention is the almost sadistic delight that she is taking in doing all of this. She doesn't care about my "scheming". She doesn't care about any changes that I'm willing to make. She's burnt all bridges between us. She's just lashing out.

 

Draw up a fair settlement and have it sent to her - one which has shared custody, if she still wants to give you all (including the kids) then have her agree to it in writing...

That's what my lawyer is planning. But the problem is that I can't contact her. No cell. No email. She's disappeared. So what? I just have to sit on my ass and wait?

 

How about Saul makes the choice? she has left and the last thing he should do is to wait for anyone to be making any choices about his life. He is in pain (a pain all of us here know too well) but he has taken charge of his life, I hope he continues on this path, it will be good for him and his kids.

No, you're right. I can't wait for her. She's gone (metaphorically and literally).

[Steen719]

Well, shyte, Saul. All I can say is that I have tasted the pain and I'm sorry for yours.

[andyg99]

She knows that I have recorded everything that she said to me on Saturday (so she has shot herself in the foot), and doesn't care. I think that she is seriously going to abandon our kids. How can you be a loving mother on one day, and this on another?

 

.

 

she is putting herself before her own children - it does happen and I'm dealing with this now with a girl I helped raise... now since things are fresh in your situation I think there's a good chance she will reconsider about the kids when things settle down but until then just assume everything she is doing is what she REALLY wants and move forward accordingly, that means getting 100% custody and if she does come to her senses about the kids (which I beleive there is a good chance) you can always amend the agreement...

 

Hang in there Saul, this hurts like hell, we all know it - you will be more than better sometime very soon, trust me...

[Trimmer]

What the heck would you do if you were her, and you got had like that? Got played that long, even if you were in the wrong -- someone was watching, waiting, gathering evidence on you - it's not unlike stalking. Then you get ambushed, entrapped essentially.

Sorry, but I'm calling BS on the "entrapment" angle, and by association, on your whole slant to the OP's situation. Entrapment is when the "trapper", let's call him, first gives the suspect the idea to commit the offense, and then persuades the suspect to commit the offense, when the suspect would not have been ready, willing, and able to commit the offense on his/her own before being so persuaded by the trapper.

 

Go look it up if you need to. Just watching while a suspect prepares to commit an offense is not entrapment. It's not even "entrapment" to provide a suspect an opportunity to commit an offense he or she is already inclned to commit (like an undercover drug or prostitution sting.)

 

So the "entrapment" claim can seem convincing, in that it is inherently incendiary, but it's not even close to being an apt metaphor. And in your zeal to stretch credible boundaries of logic even further to make this seem like the OP is the offender, you claim that she was the one who "got played that long"? And that his gathering evidence to assure himself of her betrayal was "stalking"? Nope, sorry, I take issue and disagree strongly.

 

Your post has other ideas that may have some merit, in the unlikely scenario that the OP really did choose to try to mend the marriage (and assuming there was interest on his wife's part, which appears to be completely absent at this time.)

 

But I won't sit by silently and listen to the absurd slant you put on this, that she was driven by some sort of "entrapment" on his part, that he was in the wrong, and that it's his responsibility to step up and solve the situation. Indeed, if he wants to try to fix things and reconcile, then he is welcome and encouraged to take action, I'm not saying he shouldn't do so - if that's what he wants. But that's a different statement from making it his responsibility because he "played gotcha" or tricked her or "stalked" her. If you insist on maintaining the law enforcement metaphor, then surveillance, collecting evidence, including waiting and watching while a crime occurs, is NOT entrapment, nor is it stalking, in the context of a cheating spouse.

 

You know it is illigal for police to entrapped criminals. Why is that you think? Answer that question please.

Because - by its definition - entrapment induces a citizen to commit a crime that he or she would not otherwise have had the idea nor the motivation to commit, if not persuaded by the police. That is not - by a long shot - analogous to the OP's situation.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Trimmer
style edits

[Yasuandio]

Well Mr. Trimmer, you are so smart, what do you call it then?

 

Sneeky, Self-Serving, Double-Notch Spying, Trapping (as opposed to entrapping)? I can go with the latter, and use anatomy as a metaphor.

 

Saul at least has a limb hanging. But he clean snapped her limb(s) off - and she has left is disgrace, confusion, resentment, troubled, scared, and in real shock I would imagine. Saul himself questioned his human qualities. This is my answer to him. I believe this is why he is feeling that question in his heart. Something ain't right about this project he conducted, and we rubber stamped.

 

Ok, so, technically, I was wrong to use entrapment and stalking as a metaphor.

 

Therefore, I'm going with voyeristic trapping. Do you like that better Mr. Trimmer. I'm dying for you to take me apart limb by limb. If you can take that apart Ill be forced to crack a book, like you.

 

For you Saul, I am much closer to a heathen than a church goer. But during my ordeal these past three years I did become aquinted with a Methodist church by accident, where I met Reverent Parker. When I would get one of my "Lucy" ideas to even the score with husband - something always drew me into see Rev. Parker about it. He is so kind and gentle and doesn't flip out with a "quirky" type like me, plus, I'm a challenging customer.

 

My last "Lucy Idea" could have been devistating - but true knowledge about my husband. Every time I thought about I almost peed my pants! If anyone else knew what I knew they would die, completely die! I wanted to tell the world and humilate him. I went to see Rev. Parker, and his response was a simple one: "Vengence is For God." I twisted and turned and justied and manpuated my desire around every which way, such as, "isn't it more honorable if I come forward with the truth?" Yeah, Right.

 

Rev. Parker's response to me: Vengence is for God.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Yasuandio

[analystfromhell]

While I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now this is the best of all possible the terrible outcomes. Yes, your household is in a shambles and you've got a lot of talking with your kids to do but in the meanwhile (I also got divorced in MA) GET A RESTRAINING ORDER now that she's out of the house. It shouldn't be hard. Have your lawyer draw up an uncontested divorce plea and file right away. Don't bother with the affair business, it will come out in the proceedings and MA judges don't really care unless it affects the kids which her actions clearly have.

 

In the meanwhile, get ALL your financial records together and move ALL your money out of joint accounts into ones in your name as once you file there will be a freeze on assets so she'll likely try to drain them asap. Cancel all your credit cards, etc before she has a chance to wipe you out.

 

Also, let the school district know once you've filed so they won't release the kids into her custody without your say so. If it had to come to a divorce, this the best of possible (terrible) scenarios. By the time your case comes to court the new alimony laws should be in place and you'll have a much better chance of coming out of this mentally and financially intact than you would have a few years ago.

[Trimmer]

Therefore, I'm going with voyeristic trapping. Do you like that better Mr. Trimmer. I'm dying for you to take me apart limb by limb. If you can take that apart Ill be forced to crack a book, like you.

Ha ha ha... Hey, no need to get all snippy with me. That wasn't just a matter of your choosing a single word that didn't quite fit - you proposed and detailed a very specific analogy and then asked directly why it was illegal for police to entrap suspects. Don't go all butthurt because your argument dried up and blew away, and then go claiming it was just semantic.

 

Well Mr. Trimmer, you are so smart, what do you call it then?

I call it a fairly proportional reaction to the situation that his wife initiated, developed, and nurtured, before he ever became aware of it.

 

Look, you are proposing a world where once he discovers she's cheating, if Saul is nice enough to his wife, she will go all soft and reconsider and there's a good chance they'll reconcile. In that world, you also probably travel to the farmer's market on Saturday in a hand-made wooden cart, pulled by a unicorn that poops delicious cupcakes.

 

In the world the rest of us live in, the more likely scenario is that once he becomes aware that she has gone outside their marriage and betrayed him, then whatever gentle, kind approach he uses is likely to (a) induce her to lie extensively to cover up and "explain" her actions and (b) alert her to be more careful to hide her actions with better lies in the future.

 

This is my answer to him. I believe this is why he is feeling that question in his heart. Something ain't right about this project he conducted, and we rubber stamped.

I don't deny that he may be feeling some dissonance about being - yes - "sneaky" or about spying on her, etc. I agree that this tends to go against the better nature of good people. But I also understand and accept that in the real world - where horseshxt smells like horseshxt - we sometimes choose to do unpleasant things to protect ourselves in the face of more egregious unpleasant things.

 

And so no matter how you ignore his wife's culpability in creating this situation, and try to put it on Saul that he's the bad guy here, I believe that by determining the truth and directly holding her accountable for it, he has protected his own psyche, in the long term. And I don't have any major problems in the way he chose to do it. I certainly don't consider it some kind of a surprise "gotcha" game where she was the aggrieved party.

 

Saul at least has a limb hanging. But he clean snapped her limb(s) off - and she has left is disgrace, confusion, resentment, troubled, scared, and in real shock I would imagine. Saul himself questioned his human qualities.

See, here again, you take pains to paint a picture in which his wife is the more-damaged party. I just don't see it, so I don't have much of a response, other than to say that I don't think your analogy fits, and it's not just about word choice - I don't think your fundamental premise is analogous to the situation. Perhaps another poster who agrees with you will engage and support your point where I just don't see it...

 

My last "Lucy Idea" could have been devistating - but true knowledge about my husband. Every time I thought about I almost peed my pants! If anyone else knew what I knew they would die, completely die! I wanted to tell the world and humilate him. I went to see Rev. Parker, and his response was a simple one: "Vengence is For God." I twisted and turned and justied and manpuated my desire around every which way, such as, "isn't it more honorable if I come forward with the truth?" Yeah, Right.

 

Rev. Parker's response to me: Vengence is for God.

Hey, I'm with you on that. I'm a very un-vengeful person. When my wife left me she immediately took up with another man that she was already "friends" with (yeah, right...) And now my kids live half their time in her home, with him as a proxy father, and I frankly think it's healthy, and they're doing well and he's a decent presence in their lives. Just let the angry LS men take me apart limb for limb (to recycle your metaphor) on that one!

 

And the reason this worked is because I was un-vengeful, non-hostile, and continued to be supportive of her role - as parent. Which is what I wish for Saul and his children - that even if she is discarding her role as wife, she will at least step up and continue her role as mother, for the sake of the children. And that although he is certainly likely to feel like landing blows and taking vengeance, that he instead focuses on protecting his interests and the kids', and thus leaves room for the chance that she comes out of the fog enough to continue being a mother eventually.

[Saul Goodman]

I'm feeling better now. Slept in all day.

 

she is putting herself before her own children - it does happen and I'm dealing with this now with a girl I helped raise... now since things are fresh in your situation I think there's a good chance she will reconsider about the kids when things settle down but until then just assume everything she is doing is what she REALLY wants and move forward accordingly, that means getting 100% custody and if she does come to her senses about the kids (which I beleive there is a good chance) you can always amend the agreement...

The kids really miss their mother right now. Still no contact from her. I'm guessing that she has a second prepaid phone. No unexplained bank account activity. Relying on the mOM for funds maybe? She's disappeared off the radar. My lawyer says that I should shoot for full custody while I have this opportunity. So that's what I'm doing.

 

What I'm worried about is that she might genuinely mean what she has said. She might change her mind later, and come back in a more reasonable mood. But what if she is really gone forever? It happens. It's a really uncomfortable thought.

 

Sneeky, Self-Serving, Double-Notch Spying, Trapping

I agree with the first three. But I don't see how I've trapped her into anything. I mean, she dug her own hole without any assistance from me, and ran off on her own accord.

 

But he clean snapped her limb(s) off - and she has left is disgrace, confusion, resentment, troubled, scared, and in real shock I would imagine.

I don't get it Yas. She doesn't care about any of my planning, and she doesn't care about me. She said so herself. The only two emotions I got from her were apathy towards our family, and hatred towards me. I've known her for over 3 decades, and I've never seen that much hatred from her.

 

While I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now this is the best of all possible the terrible outcomes. Yes, your household is in a shambles and you've got a lot of talking with your kids to do but in the meanwhile (I also got divorced in MA) GET A RESTRAINING ORDER now that she's out of the house. It shouldn't be hard. Have your lawyer draw up an uncontested divorce plea and file right away. Don't bother with the affair business, it will come out in the proceedings and MA judges don't really care unless it affects the kids which her actions clearly have.

 

In the meanwhile, get ALL your financial records together and move ALL your money out of joint accounts into ones in your name as once you file there will be a freeze on assets so she'll likely try to drain them asap. Cancel all your credit cards, etc before she has a chance to wipe you out.

 

Also, let the school district know once you've filed so they won't release the kids into her custody without your say so. If it had to come to a divorce, this the best of possible (terrible) scenarios. By the time your case comes to court the new alimony laws should be in place and you'll have a much better chance of coming out of this mentally and financially intact than you would have a few years ago.

Thanks for the good advice. Sounds just like my lawyer.

 

And the reason this worked is because I was un-vengeful, non-hostile, and continued to be supportive of her role - as parent. Which is what I wish for Saul and his children - that even if she is discarding her role as wife, she will at least step up and continue her role as mother, for the sake of the children. And that although he is certainly likely to feel like landing blows and taking vengeance, that he instead focuses on protecting his interests and the kids', and thus leaves room for the chance that she comes out of the fog enough to continue being a mother eventually.

I'm trying to be the best father that I can. That's my main intention right now. Edited August 16, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[Trimmer]

I'm trying to be the best father that I can. That's my main intention right now.

I hear ya, man.... My suggestions here ONLY work if she is inclined to come back and BE the mother. If not, if she is really abandoning and/or she really is unfit, then I agree that you're the only one left, and you need to go for full custody.

 

I was lucky, in that when I had that moment of power - when I finally knew what was going on and my then-wife was calm and quiet and probably ashamed of herself - I used that moment and that power to say "I insist on having the kids half the time, and I also insist that you step up and do your part in their lives and be their mother, and that you have them half the time, too." And she agreed, and after that, we never once had another negotiation about custody. Certainly lots and lots of logistics - almost daily sometimes - but never a disagreement or argument about the 50/50 part we play in their lives.

 

Now I was lucky - I knew and trusted that she wasn't trying to dump her whole life (just me, ha ha!) and that she would be capable and willing to continue being a good mother.

 

I know that you are doing the best you can for your kids, and I know you will be a great father to them. And a very important point: you don't have to be a perfect human being to be a great father, so give yourself a little break if you get too down on yourself from time to time.

 

And I also believe that your kids can be a kind of an anchor for you during these rough times. I want to be very careful in describing what I mean by that: I always remember that as their parent, I'm the caretaker, and not to "lean on" my kids to have to flip around and take care of me, but by investing myself fully in my role as their father, I found a purpose and an anchor that helped keep me steady and able to look forward through the storm until I started to heal and get a sense of myself as an individual again. I'm very grateful for that.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Trimmer

[teerockness]

My only thought after reading Saul's update was: Saul, watch your back.

 

Honestly, when somebody retreats/disappears like that, I find it impossible to relax. All I could think about is: what is she planning? Is she arming for a counter-attack? What is her next move?

 

Counterintuitively, it's better when the adversary is standing in front of you - because their moves are not a mystery.

 

Seriously man - watch your a**. If I were you, I'd look both ways on my way out the door to the car every morning.

[andyg99]

comments below in BOLD

 

I'm feeling better now. Slept in all day.

 

The kids really miss their mother right now. Still no contact from her. I'm guessing that she has a second prepaid phone. No unexplained bank account activity. Relying on the mOM for funds maybe? She's disappeared off the radar. My lawyer says that I should shoot for full custody while I have this opportunity. So that's what I'm doing.

 

excellent - follow through with that, it's your best move now

 

What I'm worried about is that she might genuinely mean what she has said. She might change her mind later, and come back in a more reasonable mood. But what if she is really gone forever? It happens. It's a really uncomfortable thought.

 

If she is really gone (highly unlikely IMO) at least you will have 100% custody. If she changes her mind and comes back and wants a part in your kids lives (most likely scenario) then you can still keep full custody, give her limited visitation, and then if you feel she has her act together (as a mom, at this time if she is still with this guy or another it shouldn't matter) and only then you can go to court and change to shared custody

 

I agree with the first three. But I don't see how I've trapped her into anything. I mean, she dug her own hole without any assistance from me, and ran off on her own accord.

 

you didn't trap her - she ran out because you surprised her, let her go and figure out her messed up life... unless she has serious mental issues I can't see her abandoning her kids. When I went through my divorce and hit my ex with the evidence of her affair she went nuts but eventually things calmed down and we became great co-parents... years later I even trusted her enough and let her back into my life, bad move... if you ever get to the point of letting her in your life (yours, not your kids, I expect her to be in their life sometime soon) you might want to read the thread I started in this forum, it tells the story of what can happen when you give someone a 2nd chance, in my case it was a mess....

 

I don't get it Yas. She doesn't care about any of my planning, and she doesn't care about me. She said so herself. The only two emotions I got from her were apathy towards our family, and hatred towards me. I've known her for over 3 decades, and I've never seen that much hatred from her.

 

Thanks for the good advice. Sounds just like my lawyer.

 

I'm trying to be the best father that I can. That's my main intention right now.

 

you got a great head on your shoulders and that will go a long way to you and your kids having an amazing life together... I know that when your wife comes back into the picture you will do your best to make the co-parenting thing work, and when you get past the pain you'll accept that she is with someone else (this guy or even the next).... trust me, I've been there and back and my life is great!

 

[Saul Goodman]

Thanks guys. Managed to slip in another nap. Sleep deprivation is a killer, you know what I mean?

 

I hear ya, man.... My suggestions here ONLY work if she is inclined to come back and BE the mother. If not, if she is really abandoning and/or she really is unfit, then I agree that you're the only one left, and you need to go for full custody.

I got you Trimmer. If she comes back, we'll try to negotiate a 50/50 deal. All the stuff my lawyer and I are doing right now, are hopefully temporary methods, until something more even can be negotiated.

 

My only thought after reading Saul's update was: Saul, watch your back.

I have been feeling pretty paranoid since the weekend. Maybe it shows in some of my posts, but I do think about what she could be up to right now.

 

@andy: I'll take a read of your thread during my lunch break.

 

I agree that it is unlikely that she has permanently abandoned the kids, but it is a cruel possibility. How long do we have to wait for her to come back? It could take weeks, months, or years. Did any of your ex-wives basically drop off the grid, guys?

 

An idea did cross my mind a little while ago, though I'm hesitant to go through with it for quite a few reasons. If I tell the BW within the next couple of days/weeks, do you think that it could force my wife out of hiding so that we could get started on the paperwork and move on with both our lives? It could admittedly make things much worse for everybody.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Saul Goodman