P&R Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 None. But my point was it is very possible for someone to be overweight and fit. Its all about genetics. You won't see an overweight soccer player because in order to get the full potential out of your body you need to have a low body fat percentage. But its possible at the amateur level. Ronaldo. He is overweight and chubby yet he's still a decent player. Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 This is what I think might work. Take out some old photos of her and you but preferably just her ALONE. Find a photo where she looked her BEST and one that radiates that she thought that as well; her posing sexy etc.. Use the photo for a screensaver on your computer..or put it on your facebook. When she notices and comments something like "why did you put that one up, thats an old one?" Say something like "baby I love that one; you look hot as F_ _k in that one" you can even go further and say that's the photo of her you think about when she's not around. What ever you say keep it positive and don't compare it to what she looks like now. Make sure you lay it on thick. If she initiates a conversation about getting back to that weight and asks how you feel about it you can reluctantly say "well what weight were you in this pic?" (say it as if you don't know) and keep referring back to the pic saying things like "look at your flat tummy here woah" etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
udolipixie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I agree with this. A few years ago right after we got married my wife started to put on a little weight (10-15 lbs.). We had argument about it because it was showing up in her midsection like she was 4 months pregnant, and she goes "it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I find myself attractive". I disabused her of that notion very quickly after reminding her that if she ever wanted kids she would need a husband that was physically attracted enough to her to get it up for sex. Wrong, physical appearance is the most important thing to men. It is important to women too, but usually only one part of an elbow long laundry list of additional qualities. So yes, there is a difference. But OK let's try a different analogy, her letting herself go would be the same as him losing his job and sitting around watching tv all day not looking for a new job. Whether you like the analogy or not, she is being disrespectful and if she continues he should dump. Yay I love look logic. I like how looks are #1 for a guy it makes anything I do (bailing when a guy loses his job, dismissing guys who aren't in the right income range, and bailing when guys are demoted) seem trivial because most guys would bail for a better option, if she's not as attractive, or if she let herself go. Big difference between aging and letting yourself go. This isn't fair. What man doesn't want eye candy on his arm? I'd be proud to be a man's eye candy and boost his ego. She took advantage of him by reeling him in and then letting herself go once she had him. He has every right to be upset about it. Life isn't air. What girl doesn't want a guy who'll still be attracted to her if she's not as in shape as before (not obese) or has wrinkles? Not likely to happen Good to see you'd be happy being a pretty prize & that you're cool with his ego being boosted not by how he feels towards you but how you look. What she did is no different than puas reeling women in with games & a false impression Link to post Share on other sites
ice salamander Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 no fat chicks. She's got to know that if she wants to keep you around she's gotta keep that booty tight. If she's working on herself by dieting and exercising then keep her. If she's eating out of a trough then send her back to the farm. Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I don't agree with those of you bashing the OP. Changes in the body from age, childbirth and medical conditions are things that you cannot really control. Changes from eating are controllable and avoidable. His girlfriend falls squarely into the latter category. Her poor diet makes her unattractive physically and will put her in poor health, and I would imagine that her apathy on the topic is equally a turn off. If she become willing to change for the better, then he should help her. If she is unwilling to change, then TheCoolest should trim the excess weight. Link to post Share on other sites
Househead85 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a hot babe on your arm. most men do. I like being the hot babe, and my partner likes it too. it's part of who I am, you need a girl who is going to look after herself because that's who she is... Thank God for a realistic woman on these forums. Couldn't have said it better myself. Women spend their lives getting bitter about the way men are, more-or-less, hardwired to desire youth and beauty. There's absolutely no point in hating us for it. Link to post Share on other sites
golightly Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 It's sounds to me like she has just got too comfortable and complacent. She knows you adore her and you'll stick by her no m,atter what so she isnt bothering to impress you anymore. You could really upset her so I would tread carefully. But you are perfectly within your rights to let her know what you feel. You could ask her when she found you most attractive.. what your hair was like your body shape etc.. and tell her you want to be that way for her all the time. That you dont want to get too comfortable or complacent in your relationship and you want to be the best you possibly can for her. She is more than likely to offer the same... if you say gently that you have always found her really sexy ( a little white lie will save her ego) but you particularly loved it when she was so slim and fit... that might spur her to lose weight. I bet you when you're getting married she'll lose it...women always do!! x Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) I can't diet with her simply because i eat more then 5000 calories a day. That is one of our biggest problems. She claims that i am always eating so she should be able to eat too. Difference is I am eating for a purpose and it seems like she just eats out of boredom. As far as exercising with her goes i have tried. I have tried everything. But i can't make her do something she simply doesn't want to do. I tell her to come run with me she says no. I ask her to take a walk with me she says no. She claims that she just isn't good at it. Only kind of exercise i can coerce her into is sex. Ohhh... okay. It's admittedly incredibly hard to diet when your SO is cramming in 5000 kcals a day, really. If you MUST eat that much, try and eat less when you're with her and more at other times. Why DO you need to put in 5000 kcals a day anyway!? Truth is, when it comes to losing weight, diet matters a lot more than exercise, at least for women. Men build more muscle (and thus increase BMR more, increasing the weight loss benefits of exercise) when exercising, and a woman's hormones also predispose her to store fat instead of burn it. So it's more efficient for a woman to limit her calories rather than just exercise (preferable to do both, of course, but diet is the more important component). And you're making it very hard for her to do that. Yeah, I gotta agree with you there SaS. Its a great feeling to have a guy's friends tell him (or you) "man, she's hot". No man wants to hear "what are you doing with HER?". Wrong, physical appearance is the most important thing to men. It is important to women too, but usually only one part of an elbow long laundry list of additional qualities. So yes, there is a difference. But OK let's try a different analogy, her letting herself go would be the same as him losing his job and sitting around watching tv all day not looking for a new job. Whether you like the analogy or not, she is being disrespectful and if she continues he should dump. No, the appropriate analogy, if you want to separate gender roles, would be if a guy is content working as a freelance artist earning a minimal wage but the woman wants him to return to his lawyer, doctor, or engineer job that he was in when they met. As BeavisMom says, it's a great feeling for a woman to have her friends admire her guy's job, as well. No woman wants to hear 'What're you doing with that unambitious guy?!'. Would you consider it 'disrespectful' for the guy to not return to his high-flying job in that case? And please, stop speaking for 'all men'. Just because physical appearance is 'the most important thing in a woman' to you doesn't mean that it is for all men. I don't think it even is for the OP, since he is genuinely trying to work things out with her instead of ejecting as soon as she gained weight. Edited July 5, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Personally, I think you should just break up with her. You are not worried about her weight for HER health and HER best interests. You are worried about her weight because YOU want to look good in front of YOUR friends. It is completely, 100% selfish. I've had an ex who asked me to work out more and eat healthier, but it was not solely because of looks. He was honestly wanting a healthy partner who would live a reasonably long and happy life. IF you are not being superficial (which I think you are), then you should approach it as "I want to be able to do activities with you, like biking, hiking, swimming, playing tennis, etc." Make it more about a lifestyle than about her physical appearance. If she is heavy and unhealthy, she can't do the kinds of activities you would like to do with your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexDP Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Personally, I think you should just break up with her. You are not worried about her weight for HER health and HER best interests. You are worried about her weight because YOU want to look good in front of YOUR friends. It is completely, 100% selfish. I've had an ex who asked me to work out more and eat healthier, but it was not solely because of looks. He was honestly wanting a healthy partner who would live a reasonably long and happy life. IF you are not being superficial (which I think you are), then you should approach it as "I want to be able to do activities with you, like biking, hiking, swimming, playing tennis, etc." Make it more about a lifestyle than about her physical appearance. If she is heavy and unhealthy, she can't do the kinds of activities you would like to do with your partner. So rather than being selfish and superficial he should stay with a fat woman who grosses him out, because that's morally superior? Who is she? She's just a girlfriend. How come you think she is so entitled to him? I want to have sex with pretty women. Sue me. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 So rather than being selfish and superficial he should stay with a fat woman who grosses him out, because that's morally superior? Who is she? She's just a girlfriend. How come you think she is so entitled to him? I want to have sex with pretty women. Sue me. It doesn't have to ONLY be about looks. I don't want to look pretty for a guy who doesn't give a rat's you-know-what about me as a person. When my family or SO tell me they want me to be healthy, I respond better. No one wants to be told they're unattractive. I will say I read through a bit farther and he has done some of the things I would suggest, like asking her to join him for a run or walk. What does she like? Does she like to play frisbee or throw a football? Does she like biking? For me, it's easier to get "exercise" if it's in the form of a game or something like that. I don't enjoy running just to run either. I have to agree with someone else who said this will always be a problem, too. She's not just going to suddenly turn into a gym rat. So unless he always wants to be fighting with her to exercise, she may not be the right girl for him. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Let's be honest. It's not really about being "healthy" or lifestyle. It's about appearance. Overweight people CAN be healthy. The studies have gone back and forth inconclusively about how extra weight may or may not impact future health and longevity. (I'm not talking about someone who's morbidly obese here). Dropping hints, cooking a few healthy meals a week and asking the GF to go on a few walks is probably not going to make a significant impact. Diet IS the biggest factor for women losing weight. It's not easy, but it is doable. Personally I think the OP should be honest and not do the "hint dropping" thing. Weight management takes a lot of commitment and focus. I think she should know what the real issue is, that it IS her weight (and not some vague concept such as "health" or "general attractiveness"). It can be brought up in a loving manner without mentioning the respulsion factor, but no matter how it's brought up, it's not going to be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I used to feel that a man should love a woman for who she is and treat her well as long as she treats him well but then I found out women are just as shallow if not more so than men. If the OP doesn't want to be with a woman he finds unattractive that is his right. He should break up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Let's be honest. It's not really about being "healthy" or lifestyle. It's about appearance. Overweight people CAN be healthy. The studies have gone back and forth inconclusively about how extra weight may or may not impact future health and longevity. (I'm not talking about someone who's morbidly obese here). Exactly. It takes a LOT of weight to affect someone's health beyond a doubt. OP's gf doesn't have that much yet, although being in the healthy range is always a safer bet. OP hasn't mentioned anything about her health though, and neither have most of the men posting here. Dropping hints, cooking a few healthy meals a week and asking the GF to go on a few walks is probably not going to make a significant impact. Diet IS the biggest factor for women losing weight. It's not easy, but it is doable. Again, precisely. I don't know how she is to diet with the OP putting in 5000kcal/day around her... it would take a HUGE amount of restraint. Link to post Share on other sites
tman666 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Lead by example. (which it sounds like you do) Communicate with her that you cannot control what kind of body type you are and are not attracted to. Let her know that you've been having a hard time with this. Don't ascribe any labels to her (fat, sloppy, chubby, dumpy, etc.). Just tell her that her weight is preventing you from being physically attracted to her. When delivering this speech, make sure to "sandwich" your criticism with compliments: "I've been thinking about how well we compliment each other, and I can see myself with someone like you in the future. However, I've been forced to realize that I'm having a difficult time being physically attracted to you at your current weight. I wish I was, but I'm not, and it's something I have tried to overcome in vain. If I didn't think that you were worth it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I DO love you and I do want this to work, and I'm willing to do everything in my power to help you out with this." She'll likely be very hurt and angry no matter what you say. However, leaving it bottled up will lead to you resenting her. She might also try and make you out to be the bad guy for a while. Not an easy situation to resolve... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 "I've been thinking about how well we compliment each other, and I can see myself with someone like you in the future. However, I've been forced to realize that I'm having a difficult time being physically attracted to you at your current weight. I wish I was, but I'm not, and it's something I have tried to overcome in vain. If I didn't think that you were worth it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I DO love you and I do want this to work, and I'm willing to do everything in my power to help you out with this." Sounds quite perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I used to feel that a man should love a woman for who she is and treat her well as long as she treats him well but then I found out women are just as shallow if not more so than men. If the OP doesn't want to be with a woman he finds unattractive that is his right. He should break up with her. I agree with this. I only read through about half this thread, but based on what I've read from OP, I will submit that appearance plays a large role in this, but appearance here is ultimately an effect of the fundamental cause...the girl's laziness... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 She'll likely be very hurt and angry no matter what you say. However, leaving it bottled up will lead to you resenting her. She might also try and make you out to be the bad guy for a while. Not an easy situation to resolve... I'd have to disagree with you here, tman (might be the first time... ), but I see this (as with many things) in a simple black and white...she might be hurt and angry, but it's up to her to decide what she wants...and so what if she makes you out to be the bad guy...? If that's the case, then it makes his decision all the easier... I honestly think it's an easy situation to resolve... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Again, precisely. I don't know how she is to diet with the OP putting in 5000kcal/day around her... it would take a HUGE amount of restraint. I'm sorry, but that's not a good enough reason. Back in the day when I wanted to lose weight, my bf would feel bad about ordering desserts when we had dinner out. I would tell him to order what he wanted. Just because I was dieting, didn't mean he should be deprived of what he wanted. The same goes for OP, just because for some crazy reason he needs to eat a lot, doesn't mean that THIS is what's stopping his gf from dieting. I understand tempations and how dieting can be hard, but its all about will power and wanting a certain result badly enough. I just think that it sucks when a person is a certain way, then they get a bf/gf and let themselves go - the person that's stuck with them is certainly not getting something 'as advertised' seriously though, I think that people have a responsibility to themselves and their partners to stay in good shape, to still put in effort with regards to looks, health, romance, sex, etc.. That's what helped build the R in the first place, why should it all go out the window now? OP, if you feel so strongly about all this (and from you wording, that seems to be the case) - then just go out and tell her, although you love her, you're no longer finding yourself physically attracted to her due to the weight gain. Offer to help her drop the weight. If she doesn't then leave, don't stay with her and then be tempted to cheat on her, or whatever... Link to post Share on other sites
RedRussian8080 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Easy, just dump the fatty and find a fit skinny pretty girl instead. Trust me, within a day or two you will forget all about the hippo you had before. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I'm sorry, but that's not a good enough reason. Back in the day when I wanted to lose weight, my bf would feel bad about ordering desserts when we had dinner out. I would tell him to order what he wanted. The key point here is bolded. YOU wanted to lose weight. So your bf should definitely not feel beholden to restrain himself just for your sake. In this case the OP wants HER to lose weight though. Since she is content with her weight and really only losing it to look attractive for HIM, he should definitely do all he can to ease her efforts. The biggest help he can be to her at this point is definitely to not eat 5000kcal/day in front of her. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 If she's 5'5" and pushing 170-180, that's morbidly obese for a woman by definition unless she is some kind of weightlifter/bodybuilder or has a frame like a dwarf from fantasy movies LOL. If she has the average female frame, she's HUGE! Bet she can't even jog a 440 without stopping. No. Morbidly obese is defined as over 40 BMI (or over 35 with complications). 5'5" at 180 is only 30 BMI. Clearly overweight? Yes. But she's not morbidly obese. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRussian8080 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 To him she might as well be. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 No. Morbidly obese is defined as over 40 BMI (or over 35 with complications). 5'5" at 180 is only 30 BMI. Clearly overweight? Yes. But she's not morbidly obese. Also, the OP's gf says she is 160 lbs. Unless she has a history of lying, I would take what she says about her own scale over what he, not a medical practitioner at that, thinks she looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 The key point here is bolded. YOU wanted to lose weight. So your bf should definitely not feel beholden to restrain himself just for your sake. In this case the OP wants HER to lose weight though. Since she is content with her weight and really only losing it to look attractive for HIM, he should definitely do all he can to ease her efforts. The biggest help he can be to her at this point is definitely to not eat 5000kcal/day in front of her. Or if he does eat 5000 kcal in front of her, make it something really icky, like tons and tons of plain egg whites and cottage cheese Link to post Share on other sites
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