Girlfriends body seriously grossing me out.

[LittleTiger]

Where are you getting the above? Nothing in the thread suggests it. If such factors were at play, am pretty sure OP would have mentioned them. Personally, I take a dim view of characterizing any normal day-to-day human behavior choice such as diet and exercise as "unable to." Almost all references to "unable to" decode into "don't want to." Heroin addiction? maybe "unable to." Most everything else? "don't want to." There's a mack truck-sized hole of a difference.

 

Actually, a lot of what the OP has said about his gf's behaviour suggests it and, if such factors are at play, the OP probably doesn't know anything about it - his perception is that she 'won't' not that she 'can't' because what he 'sees' is her sitting around on her butt and overeating. Most people struggling with weight issues feel a sense of shame and in most cases they don't tell anyone how they're really feeling or what's causing their behaviour - in many cases, they don't even know themselves.

 

You can take as dim a view of this subject as you like but, just because you have no experience of people being genuinely 'out of control' or 'addicted' to certain behaviours, it doesn't mean they don't exist.

 

With every addiction there is a psychological addiction as well as a physical addiction - that's why even drug addicts who get through 'cold turkey' and break the physical addiction often end up right back where they started. It's the same with a smoker or an alcoholic. The physical need may be removed but the psychological need often isn't. As a result, drug addicts, smokers and alcoholics are advised to stay away from the source of their addiction as well as any triggers that might tap into an emotional need.

 

Behaviours such as compulsive eating fall into the same category in psychological terms, even if there is no 'physical' addiction (although there are some foodstuffs that are actually addictive). The problem that overeaters have is that it's impossible for them to stay away from the source of their problem. We all have to eat. Asking some people to control their food intake is equivalent to an alcoholic being asked to continue drinking but to limit his/her alcohol intake. For them, it's impossible.

 

So, yes, I think the OPs girlfriend is unable to control her eating not unwilling.

[AlexDP]

No, I'm not saying she has psychological 'issues', I'm saying there is some level of psychological distress which the OP clearly has no knowledge or understanding of. All of us suffer from psychological distress at some point in our lives, usually many times and for many different reasons. Pretty much everybody who starts a thread on the relationship sections of LS are suffering some level of psychological distress, whether it be the distress caused by not being able to get a date, or the devastation of a spouse walking out after twenty years of marriage.

 

The difference for overweight or obese people is the coping strategy used ie overeating.

 

It is definitely not easy for some people (men included) to remain a healthy weight - if it was easy we wouldn't have the obesity problem that exists today.

 

A wrong coping strategy means you have got issues. Of course we all suffer from psychological distress. But healthy people can soothe themselves and choose healthy ways of coping. Unhealthy would be going to the gym twice a day to punish yourself or eating all the time. If she has developed this unhealthy response, it is likely there are quite a number of underlying problems. Furthermore the cliché of the happy, cozy fat people has been proven wrong time and time again. Often they are less happy and more bitter. Then there are a couple of very obvious problems in a relationship, which many may deem shallow, but given the fact that they're just boyfriend and girlfriend and there are six billion people on this planet, the OP has every right to go look for better options:

 

1) She's just not hot. People want to have sex with hot people. Shallow? Well, it's the way we're programmed.

2) She's fat, so she's not active. What if the OP wants to climb the Kilimanjaro?

3) If she eats as a way of coping, she most likely has self esteem issues. If she can't boost her own ego, but needs the OP to do so, the OP will feel empty and void after a while.

 

He shouldn't be cruel about it, but it's obvious this relationship isn't making him happy. Either he tries to change her (which is always very difficult as people generally don't want to change) or he leaves her. Just accepting the relationship as it is, is no option. I see many women here condemning guys who are "superficial", but I know loads of women who would cheat on their man, because it "felt right". Women aren't morally superior in any way and should stop portraying themselves as such. They're trying to guilt trip men on a public level, so when push comes to shove, they don't get dumped because they're fat themselves. No. You want emancipation, you get responsibility. This weird manipulation comes from a victimhood mentality and general laziness. You're not the weaker sex anymore, remember?

[AlexDP]

I really wonder. What if this was a woman complaining about her fat husband? Would the women on here still say they should remain together and have sex?

[LittleTiger]

I find that curious, that in all the taking up for the GF going on here, no one has even suggested or thought (other than me) that GF's habits might be endangering to OP's good habits. If two alcoholics set up house together, and one backslides, danger to OP's frame of mind and habits would likely be the very first thing any counselor brought up, would it not? Why isn't this a similar situation?

 

This is just the point. Noone has suggested it or thought about it - including the OP. Therefore, it's not an issue, other than something you've decided in your own head must be an issue.

 

The OP is asking how to communicate with his girlfriend about her weight problem because it is grossing him out - presumably because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. The topic is therefore his girlfriend's weight and how he should communicate with her. It's also helpful for him to know what might be going on inside his girlfriends head (which is something I can throw some light on and is why I responded to the topic). The more he understands her, the easier it will be for him to broach the subject.

 

This thread is not a therapy session and I'm not a relationship therapist any more than you are. However, any half decent counsellor, therapist, coach etc will never bring up an 'issue' that they've thought of themselves. The client leads the session - always. So if somebody asking for help doesn't say they're worried their girlfriend's bad habits will rub off on them then, as far as the therapist is concerned, that isn't part of the problem and it doesn't need addressing.

[LittleTiger]

Signs that it is a mental issue? I doubt it is. She isn't an emotional eater at all. Since if she is sad or angry she refuses to eat. And i don't think she would hide something like that from me. She doesn't have low self esteem at all. And its not like she refuses to stop eating. She will stop eating for maybe a week. Or 2 weeks. Then she will just slowly start up again. So i don't see how she is mentally dependent on food. I mean what kind of mental illness tells somebody they should eat junk food and not exercise?

 

Where did I say that your girlfriend was mentally ill? What I said was that she has a problem with food that is psychological and everything I have bolded from your post is evidence of that.

 

It sounds very much like she is an 'emotional eater'. Do you not think 'sadness and anger' are emotions? Maybe she 'refuses' to eat at these times rather than overeats (or most likely eats rubbish in secret) but whatever her 'pattern', she is using food as a emotional crutch.

 

Nobody who has a healthy relationship with their body or with food will stop eating for a week or two - that's not normal behaviour. Even if you mean she stops 'overeating' for a week or two and then returns to her usual 'overeating' behaviour, that still suggests she is struggling mentally and using food as a coping mechanism.

 

If this is the case, then she most definitely would hide it from you. People who struggle with weight and have problems around food are notorious for hiding their feelings and their behaviour. More often than not they are desperately ashamed and well aware of societies attitude to overweight people. Even if you ask her outright she will most likely deny she has a problem.

 

Perhaps you could ask her what, if anything, you can do to help. Show her you love her and you're on her side and will support her no matter what - assuming that's the truth.

 

If you want to make this relationship work, and if you really want your girlfriend to get healthy and lose the weight (for her sake not yours) you need to tread very carefully. Just remember - you can't make her change and she will only address this when she's ready. If you can't wait, then that's your decision.

 

How was it you came to lose your weight and get fit? I'd be willing to bet is was when you reached 'breaking point' ie you decided you had had enough of being overweight and you wanted to get fit. It's in an internal psychological process and nobody ever changes anything about themselves until they are ready.

[LittleTiger]

He shouldn't be cruel about it, but it's obvious this relationship isn't making him happy. Either he tries to change her (which is always very difficult as people generally don't want to change) or he leaves her. Just accepting the relationship as it is, is no option. I see many women here condemning guys who are "superficial", but I know loads of women who would cheat on their man, because it "felt right". Women aren't morally superior in any way and should stop portraying themselves as such. They're trying to guilt trip men on a public level, so when push comes to shove, they don't get dumped because they're fat themselves. No. You want emancipation, you get responsibility. This weird manipulation comes from a victimhood mentality and general laziness. You're not the weaker sex anymore, remember?

 

I'm not sure why you're getting on your high horse about this unless somebody touched a raw nerve. If you're referring to my posts specifically, I have never once said that the OP should stay in this relationship if he isn't happy. On the contrary, I think if he can't support her in a way that she needs then they would be better off apart. The fact is he can't change her - she has to change herself - and no amount of pushing is going to produce the desired effect.

[LittleTiger]

I have plenty of experience with real addicts, and the overuse of the term addiction is obnoxious in U.S. culture today

 

You clearly have no experience of the issue we're discussing - other than a personal belief that fat people are greedy and lazy - so there's no point me trying to convince you otherwise.

[LittleTiger]

Sounds completely reactive and therefore mostly ineffective. I thought a counselor's job was similar to a doctor's in analyzing all the pertinent facts disclosed by the patient/client, not merely what the patient complained about specifically. Guess lots of House's patients on TV would be dead as nails if he did things your way, right? LOL.

 

Firstly I'm not a counsellor.

 

Secondly, no, a therapist's job is nothing like a doctor's - as most people are aware, psychological health can rarely be 'diagnosed' in 'black and white' the way that physical health can be.

 

A psychiatrist's job is a bit like a doctor's though ie they dispense medicines to deal with psychiatric illness.

 

Effectiveness of 'therapy', whether it's counselling, coaching or psychotherapy, really depends on the state of mind of the client - if they're ready to make a change, it can be very effective, if they're not ready it's a pointless exercise. Again, rather different from a doctor's medical diagnosis. If you're pysically ill, a medical intervention (drugs or surgery) is likely to cure the problem regardless of the patient's level of motivation - although even then a positive attitude will aid recovery.

[TheCoolest]

Where did I say that your girlfriend was mentally ill? What I said was that she has a problem with food that is psychological and everything I have bolded from your post is evidence of that.

 

It sounds very much like she is an 'emotional eater'. Do you not think 'sadness and anger' are emotions? Maybe she 'refuses' to eat at these times rather than overeats (or most likely eats rubbish in secret) but whatever her 'pattern', she is using food as a emotional crutch.

 

Nobody who has a healthy relationship with their body or with food will stop eating for a week or two - that's not normal behaviour. Even if you mean she stops 'overeating' for a week or two and then returns to her usual 'overeating' behaviour, that still suggests she is struggling mentally and using food as a coping mechanism.

 

If this is the case, then she most definitely would hide it from you. People who struggle with weight and have problems around food are notorious for hiding their feelings and their behaviour. More often than not they are desperately ashamed and well aware of societies attitude to overweight people. Even if you ask her outright she will most likely deny she has a problem.

 

Perhaps you could ask her what, if anything, you can do to help. Show her you love her and you're on her side and will support her no matter what - assuming that's the truth.

 

If you want to make this relationship work, and if you really want your girlfriend to get healthy and lose the weight (for her sake not yours) you need to tread very carefully. Just remember - you can't make her change and she will only address this when she's ready. If you can't wait, then that's your decision.

 

How was it you came to lose your weight and get fit? I'd be willing to bet is was when you reached 'breaking point' ie you decided you had had enough of being overweight and you wanted to get fit. It's in an internal psychological process and nobody ever changes anything about themselves until they are ready.

Is overeating because of a psychological issue not a mental illness? Doesn't really matter if it is or isn't because that is what i meant.

 

And how is she an emotional eater if she doesn't eat when her emotions run high? Its not like she gets sad and stuffs her face with food. If something happens that makes her sad or angry she will say she has no appetite. For example when her cousin died she didn't eat for days. And no she isn't hiding and eating because she doesn't do that. We are almost always around each other. So its not like she can go in the next room and shove her face with chocolate and i wouldn't know. Pretty sure she is not an emotional eater. As far as her starving herself goes she doesn't starve herself. She eats healthy. Then she start saying she is craving food. Then she starts eating more and more of that food. The next thing i know we are right back at square one. I think its a sweet tooth not a mental thing. And no i didn't reach any breaking point. I started high school and started playing sports. And that was it.

[LittleTiger]

Is overeating because of a psychological issue not a mental illness? Doesn't really matter if it is or isn't because that is what i meant.

 

And how is she an emotional eater if she doesn't eat when her emotions run high? Its not like she gets sad and stuffs her face with food. If something happens that makes her sad or angry she will say she has no appetite. For example when her cousin died she didn't eat for days. And no she isn't hiding and eating because she doesn't do that. We are almost always around each other. So its not like she can go in the next room and shove her face with chocolate and i wouldn't know. Pretty sure she is not an emotional eater. As far as her starving herself goes she doesn't starve herself. She eats healthy. Then she start saying she is craving food. Then she starts eating more and more of that food. The next thing i know we are right back at square one. I think its a sweet tooth not a mental thing. And no i didn't reach any breaking point. I started high school and started playing sports. And that was it.

 

So your weight was due to a sedentary lifestyle in childhood and perhaps your parents being a little overindulgent and giving you a little more food than you needed? By the sounds of it, you didn't have to make any real effort to get rid of it. Once you started playing sports, that was it.

 

Whatever the reason for her fluctuations in weight, your girlfriend doesn't find it that easy. Until she is prepared to talk about it, nobody knows what problems she has, but the evidence suggests she has a problem with food and, almost certainly, low self esteem. If someone has a truly high regard for themselves, they take care of themselves. People always take care of things they value - it's human nature.

 

Your only decision is whether to accept her as she is, or leave. She won't change until she's ready and if you can't wait, that's the decision made. All I would say is talk to her before you do make a decision. Even if you don't understand her behaviour, she needs to know what you're thinking. As I said in my first post on this thread - the thought of losing you may be the motivation she needs to make the change - but don't bank on it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

zero to none honestly. at 5' i weighed 180 pounds for close to 10 years. the more my family and doctor harped on me about my weight the more stubborn i got and continued to eat junk and sit on the couch and watch tv. i felt as though my weight was out of control and having people tell you how fat you are only makes you feel more helpless and out of control. so - - you continue to eat.

 

it wasn't until my family stopped commenting about my weight that i decided to do something about it. i went on weight watchers about five years ago and lost the weight i needed to lose and then some. i now work out five days a week and continue to watch what i eat. but that's my decision and it's something i decided to do for me.

 

Anybody read this? I hope more people who are overweight would respond to my question, which was:

 

How many of you would react to your loved one sitting you down and saying, "Your body grosses me out, and I think you are evil and a fraud for gaining weight" by successfully dieting?

 

Yeah and I bet all the women in this thread would have no problem at all being seen with a garbage collector BF who smelled of rotten banana peels, only wore wifebeaters, fringey denim shorts and sandals with socks out on the town. Same... exact... thing.

 

People have every right to expect to have a mate who is presentable in public.

 

The above is really hateful.

 

NOBODY is telling the OP to stay with his girlfriend and to continue to have sex with her when he finds her repulsive. He'd be doing her a favor by moving on. Really. Who wants to be with someone who is "grossed out" by them. Nobody.

 

The tone of this thread is sickening.

 

Our society HATES and SCORNS fat people, while at the same time helping its members to be fat by promoting ... stuff that makes us fat. Most of the well-conditioned drones who are posting here do a great job of expressing this societal conundrum.

 

Believe me, there are a very few fat people in America who are okay with being fat, but once you feel bad about yourself, it is very difficult to get a handle on that and to make positive changes.

 

I can't believe that all of you self righteous fatty-haters cannot find some aspect of YOURSELVES that is comparable. Something that you KNOW is bad for you, that's holding you back, that you just cannot seem to get on top of. Trying to quit smoking? Can't finish school? Dead end job? Messed up behavior with your girl or boyfriend that you just keep repeating?

 

I KNOW YOU HAVE ISSUES. So stop judging the fat girl as lazy, disgusting, gross, a slob, etc.

 

And, having said all that, I am 100% in favor of people being with other people to whom they're attracted. Fortunately, most relationships of depth can maintain the spark even when somebody is not at their best, physically or otherwise, and that also helps to support that person to make the needed positive changes.

 

This OP has posted before that he thinks he is MUCH smarter than his girlfriend, that he thinks he's "out of her league" because she is not PRETTY enough (aside from the fat issue), and that he is not completely compatible with her temperament. Obviously he is not very invested, she is not what he wants, and he is not going to be the person to support her in making positive changes. After all, he IS "TheCoolest."

 

So move on already, and stop trashing this girl whom you are supposed to care about.

[sweetjasmine]

Anybody read this? I hope more people who are overweight would respond to my question, which was:

 

How many of you would react to your loved one sitting you down and saying, "Your body grosses me out, and I think you are evil and a fraud for gaining weight" by successfully dieting?

 

No one would. Ever. Those hurt by it would just get worse, and those who wouldn't be hurt by it would feel insulted and leave.

 

I've never been severely overweight - just a couple of pounds over, maybe 10 max at college, but I've had a similar experience. Just on a smaller scale (no pun intended ).

 

My mother used to constantly harp on my weight from when I was a teenager until recently. I'd come home from 3 hours of dance class, and she'd yell at me for re-heating a bowl of spaghetti from the dinner that everyone else had eaten earlier. It was just non-stop criticism and ridicule (coming from someone who herself needed to lose at least 40 pounds). She would tell me that I was fat and needed liposuction because men are never going to find fatties attractive and it's disgusting. Gee, thanks, Ma.

 

I ended up losing the weight when I moved to another state for two years and didn't have to hear that BS anymore. I lost it due to depression but I've kept it off since by eating better and getting more exercise, which were things I felt motivated to do because no one was telling me I was fat and ugly all the damn time.

 

The tone of this thread is sickening.

 

Our society HATES and SCORNS fat people, while at the same time helping its members to be fat by promoting ... stuff that makes us fat. Most of the well-conditioned drones who are posting here do a great job of expressing this societal conundrum.

 

Believe me, there are a very few fat people in America who are okay with being fat, but once you feel bad about yourself, it is very difficult to get a handle on that and to make positive changes.

 

Agreed, and it's very depressing. Most people who are overweight HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN THE MESSAGE that it's unattractive, unhealthy, and undesirable. They've gotten the message that they're basically considered worthless trash. Saying it directly to their face is going to prevent people from taking steps to change their lives, not help them. It baffles me that this is difficult for some people to understand.

 

This OP has posted before that he thinks he is MUCH smarter than his girlfriend, that he thinks he's "out of her league" because she is not PRETTY enough (aside from the fat issue), and that he is not completely compatible with her temperament. Obviously he is not very invested, she is not what he wants, and he is not going to be the person to support her in making positive changes. After all, he IS "TheCoolest."

 

So move on already, and stop trashing this girl whom you are supposed to care about.

 

Definitely. I can't imagine being able to respect someone while saying they're dumber than me and their body makes me want to kill myself. End it and find someone you actually like and want to be around without suppressing your gag reflex.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi TheCoolest,

 

Could you please respond to my previous post? it seems to be lost in the shuffle.

 

Btw, sugar has recently been proven to be as addictive as heroin and works on the same brain centers as heroin and morphine. Sugar dependency is very real and throws all seven of the hormones responsible for maintaining a healthy body weight right out of whack.

[Bertram]

So to sum up this thread, it sucks to have an addiction but nobody should be judged negatively for ending a relationship because their SO becomes addicted to something, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling or food. Am I right?

[Zed]

Anybody read this? I hope more people who are overweight would respond to my question, which was:

 

How many of you would react to your loved one sitting you down and saying, "Your body grosses me out, and I think you are evil and a fraud for gaining weight" by successfully dieting?

 

 

 

The above is really hateful.

 

NOBODY is telling the OP to stay with his girlfriend and to continue to have sex with her when he finds her repulsive. He'd be doing her a favor by moving on. Really. Who wants to be with someone who is "grossed out" by them. Nobody.

 

The tone of this thread is sickening.

 

Our society HATES and SCORNS fat people, while at the same time helping its members to be fat by promoting ... stuff that makes us fat. Most of the well-conditioned drones who are posting here do a great job of expressing this societal conundrum.

 

Believe me, there are a very few fat people in America who are okay with being fat, but once you feel bad about yourself, it is very difficult to get a handle on that and to make positive changes.

 

I can't believe that all of you self righteous fatty-haters cannot find some aspect of YOURSELVES that is comparable. Something that you KNOW is bad for you, that's holding you back, that you just cannot seem to get on top of. Trying to quit smoking? Can't finish school? Dead end job? Messed up behavior with your girl or boyfriend that you just keep repeating?

 

I KNOW YOU HAVE ISSUES. So stop judging the fat girl as lazy, disgusting, gross, a slob, etc.

 

And, having said all that, I am 100% in favor of people being with other people to whom they're attracted. Fortunately, most relationships of depth can maintain the spark even when somebody is not at their best, physically or otherwise, and that also helps to support that person to make the needed positive changes.

 

This OP has posted before that he thinks he is MUCH smarter than his girlfriend, that he thinks he's "out of her league" because she is not PRETTY enough (aside from the fat issue), and that he is not completely compatible with her temperament. Obviously he is not very invested, she is not what he wants, and he is not going to be the person to support her in making positive changes. After all, he IS "TheCoolest."

 

So move on already, and stop trashing this girl whom you are supposed to care about.

 

Agree on all points. Most people on this planet and specifically on this board are far from perfect and there are things that they probably still struggle. However the singular difference is that they are not fat(whether they were formally fat and not now or never were)—so that is one less bullhorn that they have to have screeching at them wherever they go. Yet for their own problems they demand empathy and support. Not so with the “fattys.”

 

Only a "I hate fat people and find them repugnant and morally degenerate thread” would be this long, boring and relentless in its condemnation and disgust.

 

Still, the solution is profoundly simple. You already think you are better than her. Talking about "the problem" by browbeating and shaming or in a gentle and firm whatever tones you use, will not change the one fundamental point that you mentioned exhaustively in this thread --she is limiting your image of yourself and your lifestyle--so the best thing to do is end it. She cannot for whatever reason change her behaviors and you do not have the time or the energy to live with her “gross body” and limited intelligence.

 

Most people on the thread are not telling you that you have to stay with someone you think "gross" beyond recognition and singing a tune that "its only what's on the inside that matters" trope. If you are not longer attracted. Leave and find someone compatible with your lifestyle.

 

Simple.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hence, become more educated about the thinking patterns that deal with overeating, present as a health and sexual concern. Be supportive, explain that sexual attraction and love are two different things for guys (often in women they are the same thing) and whereas you love her and can see the two of you possibly spending the rest if your lives together, her weight does have a dampening effect on your sexual attraction to her and you would be very supportive in helping her through this issue. If she doesn't want to chabre to a healthier lifestyle, you understand, but it is a dealbreaker for you and unhealthy for her. Tell her you are not trying to Shame her and that you know that she has been shamed in the past for it, but it is part of the relationship that is important to you.

 

Duh.

 

Don't make it about 'morals' and judgement. Just commit to solving an issue with someone you love. It would be an excellent training ground for marriage.

[LittleTiger]

Anybody read this? I hope more people who are overweight would respond to my question, which was:

 

How many of you would react to your loved one sitting you down and saying, "Your body grosses me out, and I think you are evil and a fraud for gaining weight" by successfully dieting?

 

The above is really hateful.

 

NOBODY is telling the OP to stay with his girlfriend and to continue to have sex with her when he finds her repulsive. He'd be doing her a favor by moving on. Really. Who wants to be with someone who is "grossed out" by them. Nobody.

 

The tone of this thread is sickening.

 

Our society HATES and SCORNS fat people, while at the same time helping its members to be fat by promoting ... stuff that makes us fat. Most of the well-conditioned drones who are posting here do a great job of expressing this societal conundrum.

 

Believe me, there are a very few fat people in America who are okay with being fat, but once you feel bad about yourself, it is very difficult to get a handle on that and to make positive changes.

 

I can't believe that all of you self righteous fatty-haters cannot find some aspect of YOURSELVES that is comparable. Something that you KNOW is bad for you, that's holding you back, that you just cannot seem to get on top of. Trying to quit smoking? Can't finish school? Dead end job? Messed up behavior with your girl or boyfriend that you just keep repeating?

 

I KNOW YOU HAVE ISSUES. So stop judging the fat girl as lazy, disgusting, gross, a slob, etc.

 

And, having said all that, I am 100% in favor of people being with other people to whom they're attracted. Fortunately, most relationships of depth can maintain the spark even when somebody is not at their best, physically or otherwise, and that also helps to support that person to make the needed positive changes.

 

This OP has posted before that he thinks he is MUCH smarter than his girlfriend, that he thinks he's "out of her league" because she is not PRETTY enough (aside from the fat issue), and that he is not completely compatible with her temperament. Obviously he is not very invested, she is not what he wants, and he is not going to be the person to support her in making positive changes. After all, he IS "TheCoolest."

 

So move on already, and stop trashing this girl whom you are supposed to care about.

 

Well said Mme. C!

[Engadget]

I'm a fan of fat girls, send her my way.

[LittleTiger]

Nothing in the thread, nothing at all, suggests that the above is any different than the GF's situation. You seem to want to make the leap from "she eats too much" to "she can't stop eating in a disordered way" with no evidence, when the facts don't reflect anything other than she refuses to live a healthy lifestyle. Great marketing model for your line of work, though, will give you that, a prospective patient on every couch. Or do you honestly contend that the obesity problem in the U.S. is a product of some mass hysteria as opposed to the plain factors, inactivity and sedentary lifestyle choices, diet rich in processed foods and empty sugar and starchy calories that so obviously causes the problem in a vast majority of cases?

 

But OK let's ask some questions that perhaps should have been asked previously, OP, does your GF have a history of any eating disorder? If so what was the extent of her treatment? Are symptoms of an eating disorder still presenting (does she binge and purge, hide food, hide secrets?) Do her parents, family or friends have weight issues? To what extent? Does she have or is under treatment for any emotional or mental conditions? Under care now for those or how long ago? Prescriptions for anxiety, mood or depression now or in the relatively recent past? How are her relations with her family, happy or stressful? Has she ever talked about a history of past abuse in her life? How are her relationships with friends? Healthy? stressful? Is she employed full-time? or unemployed? That's enough for a start. No one could possibly have any reasonable, grounded idea about any supposed pathology of OP's GF without asking the above questions and others related. No one.

 

You seem determined to take this thread wildly off topic and a public message board is not the place to address the questions you're asking, so this is the last time I'm going to respond to your off-topic posts.

 

Obesity and weight problems in our society are complex issues with a multitude of possible causes and contributing factors, including the ones you've mentioned, and these contributing factors can be different for every individual. Again, this thread is not the place to discuss it.

 

From what the OP has said, his girlfriend does have a disordered eating pattern and her emotions are involved in whether she eats or not - that's all we can conclude from what we've been told - but we definitely can draw this conclusion because the OP has pretty much said it 'word for word'.

 

If the OP was overweight as a child or a young teenager due to a sedentary lifestyle and then shed the weight in high school when he started playing sports (and never put it on again), this is a very different scenario to the way he has described his girlfriend's weight problem and eating behaviours. Not only does she eat or not eat depending on how she's feeling (which IS emotional eating) but she has regained all the weight she lost. Two very different situations.

[yawn_interrupted]

I don't want to break up with her over this. I just want her to lose the weight. I have done everything i can to motivate her but it just seems like its not enough. And weight is one of the one things we can't talk about because it seems like throughout her whole life her family has belittled her because of it. So whenever i bring it up she feels as if i am just trying to put her down.

 

I could tell her that if she doesn't lose weight i will dump her but idk if that will work. I know that if someone told me that i would surely dump them. Shes submissive but not one to be walked on so if i were to say that she would probably tell me to dump her and make a conscious decision to not lose any weight.

 

 

 

I do totally understand your point.

I myself am very conscious about taking care of my health and fitness. I would never ever consider being with a man who treats his body bad.

 

But

 

1. Do not use 'I will dump you if you don't change FOR ME' card unless you really mean it.

She has all the right in the world to be the way she wants to be. That is her choice and you don't have a right to control that.

You can not change anybody. You can only make choice for your own life.

 

2. Yet, you can (& should) share why you believe that you and she are not compatible as much as you thought when you first met her as far as valuing health. And listen what she thinks about it.

 

3. If she makes clear that being the way she is now is how she feels comfortable, it is your turn to make your decision;

Either you decided to remain the relationship with somebody who is not compatible.

Or move on and find somebody who share the same value.

 

There are so many relationships that are lasting while suffering lack of compatibility because they are already too attached to each other emotionally to break it up.

 

So

if you have a hard time making this decision, that is not surprising at all.

 

 

Again, you can not change any body. And you should not try to....

Edited July 9, 2011 by yawn_interrupted

[SnowandStars]

Doesn't look like this thread is going anywhere. I guess many people totally skipped the part where he has been supportive and encouraged her to join in physical activities right along with him. He has shared that he loves her, wants a future with her, and still finds her facially attractive--but her weight is turning him off sexually. That isn't really something he can control and it will continue to affect the relationship because she will want sex and he will not.

[welikeincrowds]

If their assessment was accurate, I'd either get on the treadmill or get out the door. Have had women say those kinds of things to me all my life without the "grossing out" and "evil fraud" parts. Men are used to it. Haven't had many GFs who didn't try to change something fundamental about me within a few months, and they aren't tactful about it at all. Don't get me started on my mother, sister and female friends. Life for a guy is literally full of well-meaning women telling him he needs to change something, do something different, and tact isn't even on the radar. Life for the average woman is full of lots of people telling her she is perfect, and if a mom or other person deviates from that, she develops a complex. Waaaa. Poo babeee.

 

 

 

I think it's really hateful to turn into Hungry Hungry Hippo after getting into a relationship under false pretenses.

 

 

 

Sorry a thread on an internet dating forum has made you physically ill.

 

 

 

There's no conundrum. Most people who put in the effort to stay healthy resent people in their lives whom they care about instead of hate, and who don't put in any effort. People here are just being honest. Life is short and stressful and catastrophic enough.

 

I am pissed off at my parents for resisting efforts to get them to exercise at all and eat better. They are OK now, but their inactivity is going to take years off their lives. Their life, but it's also selfish with respect to the people who love them and want them around as long as possible. After awhile, you realize the gentle prodding and subtle hints don't work and then you have to decide wheter tough love will have any different effect. I just want them to live to 85, not 75. If it works, I will end up shaming them or even risk pissing them off some.

 

 

 

It's exactly because I can find similar aspects of myself that I am harsh about fatty apologists. I have a debilitating inner ear condition that affects my balance and ability to travel and do sports. I have to do exercises several times a day just to walk straight and not get sick. I also quit a ten year smoking habit several years ago. It sucked and was very hard, but it was correcting MY bad life choice and I didn't seek pity or sensitivity about either of these. Most everyone in life has something to overcome, why is it that we are supposed to coddle those who make bad lifestyle choices only when it involves fat women??

 

 

 

In all likelihood she is lazy, BF says she is gross, and most likely a slob, don't recall using the word disgusting.

 

Man, holy ****. What did this girl ever do to you? Hungry Hungry Hippo? You'd think she got you fired or insulted your mother or something.

 

I understand what you're saying: that choices have consequences and that one should not minimize that. Your argument is that it is actually harmful to do so. I get that. It's good will.

 

But when you start slinging venom along with it, you subvert the argument. You're not show good will anymore; in fact, you're showing active malice. Don't expect anyone to listen to you when you're volunteering reasons not to.

 

I don't intend to call you out personally. I just think you should rethink your motives, because there's some dissonance here between what you're claiming and what you're really saying.

[kalikula]

I think you should just break up with her.

 

You can't force the other person in your relationship to do anything they don't *really* want to do. If my boyfriend told me he found my body disgusting and he would break up with me if I didn't lose weight, I would probably resent him and emotionally eat my feelings and gain weight if anything. If you can't accept her for how she is now, even if she is different than when you first dating, then you should break it off. People will never be exactly the same as they are at the start of a relationship. People change, period. Either accept it or move on.

[cherrylips]

Hey OP, since you haven't really seem to settle on a final resolution as to HOW you wish to handle this ENORMOUS problem you have on your hands, why don't you let the internet community do it for you.

 

Why don't you post a pic of your big fat slovenly gf. Face and all. Let us be the judge of how her horrible her body really is, and take the hard work out of it for you! Post her email and phone number, so we can provide our valuable feedback on the sad state of her physical health DIRECTLY to her. Cut out the middle man so to speak.

 

Otherwise it sounds like you never really want to tell her directly that she's downright a turn off. You just want to keep this up so you have more ammunition in your mind about what a horrible person she is, not only from the outside but from the inside too.

 

Way to devalue your girlfriend! Keep up the good work

[RedRussian8080]

VERY well said!