Girlfriends body seriously grossing me out.

[Feelin Frisky]

In my opinion, life is too short to live it as a fat person.

 

That would imply that obese persons choose their fate. Not so. There are a thousand plus other complications.

 

To the OP, this is going to never NOT be an issue. If you're unhappy with this and can't accept it, then do yourself a big favor and don't marry her. I don't say that cavalierly. No one can change anyone else and apparently she is in denial and resistant to your prompts to get it back together. Seriously consider breaking up with her and tell her. If she doesn't at least act distressed over that then you know you're not as important to her as you might have wished. I feel for her because it is tough being cast off for that kind of thing but she has some reckoning to do which actually might need a serious break to jump-start. Sorry for your troubles--that puts you in a bind having to face the lousy question marks of being single again but that's life's knocks. Good luck.

[Dust]

What can i do? I am a real fit guy. Used to be a fatter guy. My girlfriend was a real fit girl who used to be fat when i met her. Now shes a fat girl again. And its turning me off. I do love her. And any problems that we have we are always able to work through them fairly easily. I do think that i want to marry her. But she has been steadily gaining weight. It would be one thing if she was chubby. But shes actually getting fat now. Wanna she does little strip teases for me i have to try hard not to grimace. When i see her from behind i just feel like killing myself.

 

So you’ve lost all physical attraction? Some times the original physical attraction still caries through even if the person gains a lot. Look she did this to herself and this is an obvious outcome. Just be really delicate with the situation no reason to be rude even if this ends. If this ends just says something like “our relationship lost its passion.” If she pushes you and says “It’s because you think I’m just fat!?” well you shouldn’t say “Yes its cause you’re fat and disgust me” just instead say something like “it just like you stopped caring about yourself and me.”

 

How long have you guys been dating any ways?

 

Honestly i am quite insecure. Say what you want but i care a lot about what other people think of me. And when i walk around with her it doesn't exactly boost my ego.

 

 

It’s one thing if you yourself lost attraction, but seriously though you should never worry about what other people are thinking. I mean surely there is a rush from walking around with a girl you know other people think is beautiful. The true energy comes from being with some one you love regardless of what any one else thinks.

 

Still her completely letting herself go is disrespectful to herself, you, and the relationship. My point is just don’t make your worries of what other people may or may not think part of that equation.

 

I have tried getting her to lose weight. But she refuses to exercise with me. I have tried putting her on a personalized diet plan that was too easy to follow. She does it for a week then tells me she can't anymore. When we first met i actually didn't want her to lose anymore weight and SHE was the one who was trying to lose more weight. Now its like she just doesn't care what she looks like. What can i do about this? I just want the girl i met. I know looks fade but fitness doesn't. At least not if you try hard.

 

 

Yeah that’s all you can do is nicely and politely try with out offending her. In the end though its all up to her and she already has every motivation to do it like feeling better, being healthy, giving herself more energy, looking better etc.,etc. If she doesn’t do it on her own it may never happen.

 

Should I tell her that her current bodyweight is honestly just grossing me out? I tell her that i love the way she looks no matter what but i am blatantly lying to her.

 

No you shouldn’t tell her she grosses you out. That would just be immature, disrespectful, and probably one of the rudest things any one has ever said to her coming from some one who is supposed to care, only making it more hurtful.

 

You should love some one no matter what they look like. The thing is she isn’t some one who just got burned in the fire. She is some one who has stopped caring. She is disrespecting herself and you. When some one yo-yo diets they lose weight only to gain more weight then they had before. If you’ve reached a maintainable life style that’s great. She may be heading in a direction you didn’t know from the start. You aren’t married and you have every right to see a destructive behavior and decide you want no part of it. Some say food is an addiction no different then any other. If she was a heroin addict or alcoholic you wouldn’t think twice to break up with her. In fact some one who knowingly decides to buy house together and marry some one like that is often questioned WHY!?

 

You obviously feel very strongly for this girl. All you can do is try to encourage her in positive ways to do what’s best for her regardless of you. That of course would be to live healthy and look and feel good about herself. If she is down a self destructive path you can’t control that. If you lose all hope then yes break up with her. You weren’t lying if you said you loved her no matter what she looked like. Breaking up with her will be painful specifically because you did love her. In a way though you’d be enabling her bad behavior if you stayed and that is not love. Seriously, don’t make it about her being fat if you break up and certainly don’t make it about her being gross or any other insulting term. Just say the relationship lost its passion. If she really pushes you say she stopped trying or caring. You don’t have to explain it to her. In fact it would be rude of you to say the things you said here to her.

 

It would be very wise of you to leave her though if this continues and you lose hope. Good luck I know you love this girl and this must be all very painful and confusing.

[SnowandStars]

Huh. And I guess 'what woman doesn't want a Prince Charming to provide for her', either, eh?

 

It's no one's duty to be eye candy (or to provide for someone else's living).

 

OP, I still say tell her gently that you don't find her sexually attractive anymore, but you still love her and want to try and make the R work. It's harsh but the right thing to do. In the meantime, try to diet and exercise along with her. It's easier when you have a partner.

 

Yet it sure is funny how some women have no problem being eye candy when they are single and trying to catch a man, but once she has him, she no longer feels like he deserves to wake up next to a hot, fit woman. Men are visual. He has tried working with her but she doesn't want to lose the weight. If he was not being supportive, that is one thing, but it looks like he is trying to work with her and she is not budging. That is a problem.

[nyc_guy2003]

Yet it sure is funny how some women have no problem being eye candy when they are single and trying to catch a man, but once she has him, she no longer feels like he deserves to wake up next to a hot, fit woman. Men are visual. He has tried working with her but she doesn't want to lose the weight. If he was not being supportive, that is one thing, but it looks like he is trying to work with her and she is not budging. That is a problem.

 

I agree with this. A few years ago right after we got married my wife started to put on a little weight (10-15 lbs.). We had argument about it because it was showing up in her midsection like she was 4 months pregnant, and she goes "it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I find myself attractive". I disabused her of that notion very quickly after reminding her that if she ever wanted kids she would need a husband that was physically attracted enough to her to get it up for sex.

[TheCoolest]

. It's harsh but the right thing to do. In the meantime, try to diet and exercise along with her. It's easier when you have a partner.

I can't diet with her simply because i eat more then 5000 calories a day. That is one of our biggest problems. She claims that i am always eating so she should be able to eat too. Difference is I am eating for a purpose and it seems like she just eats out of boredom. As far as exercising with her goes i have tried. I have tried everything. But i can't make her do something she simply doesn't want to do. I tell her to come run with me she says no. I ask her to take a walk with me she says no. She claims that she just isn't good at it. Only kind of exercise i can coerce her into is sex.

[jasperste]

Is the fact that she has put on a lot of weight the ONLY reason you have doubts? Believe me as soon as you discover one other thing 'wrong' that will be it. Similar to my situation in that I don't find my girlfriend attractive as she doesn't have any womanly curves, she is flat chested but I tried to ignore it and like her for all the other positive aspects of her. Until she acted in an annoying way one night and I saw that she was actually not very nice to other women in our company. That sealed it. She is dumped.

[TheCoolest]

Is the fact that she has put on a lot of weight the ONLY reason you have doubts? Believe me as soon as you discover one other thing 'wrong' that will be it. Similar to my situation in that I don't find my girlfriend attractive as she doesn't have any womanly curves, she is flat chested but I tried to ignore it and like her for all the other positive aspects of her. Until she acted in an annoying way one night and I saw that she was actually not very nice to other women in our company. That sealed it. She is dumped.

 

I have had doubts for other reasons. But those reasons were never all that important to me. The biggest problem i have had with her other than her weight has been the fact that she can be too submissive at times and i have always been more attracted to bitchy (for lack of a better word) women. But i have since gotten over that. So yes my only beef with her is her weight. I love everything else about her.

[BeavisMom62]

This isn't fair. What man doesn't want eye candy on his arm? I'd be proud to be a man's eye candy and boost his ego. She took advantage of him by reeling him in and then letting herself go once she had him. He has every right to be upset about it.

 

Yeah, I gotta agree with you there SaS. Its a great feeling to have a guy's friends tell him (or you) "man, she's hot". No man wants to hear "what are you doing with HER?". I mean everyone is different and lots of men are attracted to heavy women, but he isn't. And she wasn't always, which is what attracted him in the first place. I'll never understand women like that, who let them selves go. I mean aging is one thing and you can't control most aspects of that, but it's easier to be fit.

 

My son is going through this. His wife was a bit plump when they met, but he likes a little bit of "meat" and a lot of um... boobs (can we say that?). BUt now, she's at least doubled in size, if not more. Which makes no sense because she says that she goes to the gym EVERY DAY and is curently enrolled in some sort of boot camp thing. And keeps getting bigger. She thinks if she works out she can eat anything she wants. And believe me, she does!

[nyc_guy2003]

Yeah, I gotta agree with you there SaS. Its a great feeling to have a guy's friends tell him (or you) "man, she's hot". No man wants to hear "what are you doing with HER?"

 

Agree with this. My wife told me about a guy she works with who all the women in the firm think is pretty good looking, but then his wife came into the office one day to visit him and she was a heifer, I mean a really fat cow. Of course after that he became known as the cute guy with the fat wife and his own social status within the firm got knocked down a couple notches because people assumed there was something wrong with him to be so good looking yet have such a hideous wife. So people do notice when there's a disconnect in attractiveness between spouses.

[BeavisMom62]

Yet it sure is funny how some women have no problem being eye candy when they are single and trying to catch a man, but once she has him, she no longer feels like he deserves to wake up next to a hot, fit woman. Men are visual. He has tried working with her but she doesn't want to lose the weight. If he was not being supportive, that is one thing, but it looks like he is trying to work with her and she is not budging. That is a problem.

 

I agree again, SaS. I guess I can see where it may appear chauvanistic (sp?), but that doesn't make it any less true. And besides the fact of your man appreciating your looks, what about the woman? I sure as hell wouldn't like to wake up and look in the mirror and see rolls and bulges everywhere. (bed-head and the beginnings of wrinkles is bad enough! LOL). Gotta love yourself too.

[thehead]

I have had doubts for other reasons. But those reasons were never all that important to me. The biggest problem i have had with her other than her weight has been the fact that she can be too submissive at times and i have always been more attracted to bitchy (for lack of a better word) women. But i have since gotten over that. So yes my only beef with her is her weight. I love everything else about her.

 

I think you should say something like "I'm going to really need you to lose this weight and keep it off or I don't see a future together. " That's the truth isn't it?

[BeavisMom62]

Agree with this. My wife told me about a guy she works with who all the women in the firm think is pretty good looking, but then his wife came into the office one day to visit him and she was a heifer, I mean a really fat cow. Of course after that he became known as the cute guy with the fat wife and his own social status within the firm got knocked down a couple notches because people assumed there was something wrong with him to be so good looking yet have such a hideous wife. So people do notice when there's a disconnect in attractiveness between spouses.

 

Yep, it may or may not be wrong, it may or may not be superficial, but for the most part it is the way that human beings think. It hardly occurs to me to think that way if I see a very large couple (or a very fit couple) together in the grocery store or something. Except I admit I do check out what is in their cart!

 

I am thin and relatively fit. When I was married to my first husband who was very heavy, we used to get looks and comments all the time. And the ruder people, usually men would always ask me "with him so big and you so tiny, umm...how do you guys have sex?"!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I understand. But, I DO NOT agree that you should "tell her how you feel." Maybe I am just hypersensitive, but I am positive that if a man I loved (or even liked ... or probably a friend, or a stranger, for that matter) told me that my body "grossed them out," I would need have such an episode of self hatred that I could NEVER get it together enough to regain a good fitness level.

 

Snowandstars, it is profoundly offensive to me when I read (as I often do, and as you posted) stuff like "if she is too LAZY to lose weight." And no, I am not a fatty myself. I would like to point out to every person reading this that I am sure that each of us struggle mightily with some thing that is extremely difficult - and in some cases, seemingly impossible to overcome - which seem that it should be simple enough to resolve. Like, organization ... procrastination ... staying stuck in a bad job or relationship ... overeating ... not taking care of ourselves in other ways. Sure, easy for someone to tell you to just get off your rump and put that pile of stuff away, or go to the dump, or whatever. But something keeps you from dealing with it.

 

Overweight people are usually struggling with it.

 

Anyway, OP - I think that she already knows how you feel, since you say you've broached it in different ways. If you are NOT attracted to her, I believe you need to kindly break up. Nobody needs to be in a relationship with somebody who grosses them out. And, nobody needs to be in a relationship where the person they love is grossed out by looking at them.

[Eddie Edirol]

I have had doubts for other reasons. But those reasons were never all that important to me. The biggest problem i have had with her other than her weight has been the fact that she can be too submissive at times and i have always been more attracted to bitchy (for lack of a better word) women. But i have since gotten over that. So yes my only beef with her is her weight. I love everything else about her.

 

Coolest, I think someone mentioned it here before..... Its a compatibility issue. You like to keep fit and she doesnt, and it bugs you. A good gentle way to tell her is that you think this is a big compatibility issue, and you think she isnt being healthy. I think she doesnt understand the feeling of hanging around someone who doesnt care about their health when youre a health freak. Not only that but it bothers you to see someone eaing so much junk when youre trying NOT to eat it. You should explain that to her, then give her a chance to do something about it. But it sounds to me like she never wanted to do the work. But maybe you can get to the root of why she gave up.

 

When she says you should love her no matter what, you tell her that you do, because love is unconditional, but attraction isnt. they arent the same thing.

[LittleTiger]

Incredible. You have people actually siding with the fat girl. She's FAT. She's UGLY. The OP finds her REPULSIVE. But no, let's bash him for being a man. Let's bash him because he actually wants to feel proud about his girlfriend. Please. I bet you're all little fatties sitting behind your computer hoping someone will ever notice you. Work out FFS. If I can do it 4 times a week, it can't be that big a problem. Lazy bastards.

 

Nobody is 'bashing' him for being a man. We all have different things that are important to us and if the OP needs a 'hot' girlfriend to make him feel good then he should go and get one - that's what we're saying.

 

There is also no need to insult other people who live differently from the way you do. I work out 6 times a week and am very fit, but I don't call other people 'fat', 'ugly' or 'lazy bastards' because they're overweight or they dont work out. There are lots of reasons why people may be overweight or unable to exercise - your attitude is incredibly bigoted.

 

We're all different and if the person we're in a relationship with doesn't think as we do then we have to accept that we're not compatible and move on. If the OPs girlfriend doesn't want to get slim, then that's up to her. The OP then has to decide if he wants to continue the relationship with her as she currently is. You can't make someone change unless they want to - it's as simple as that.

[AlexDP]

Nobody is 'bashing' him for being a man. We all have different things that are important to us and if the OP needs a 'hot' girlfriend to make him feel good then he should go and get one - that's what we're saying.

 

There is also no need to insult other people who live differently from the way you do. I work out 6 times a week and am very fit, but I don't call other people 'fat', 'ugly' or 'lazy bastards' because they're overweight or they dont work out. There are lots of reasons why people may be overweight or unable to exercise - your attitude is incredibly bigoted.

 

We're all different and if the person we're in a relationship with doesn't think as we do then we have to accept that we're not compatible and move on. If the OPs girlfriend doesn't want to get slim, then that's up to her. The OP then has to decide if he wants to continue the relationship with her as she currently is. You can't make someone change unless they want to - it's as simple as that.

 

Oh really? I seem to notice a lot of resentment from people who are obviously fat towards people who are fit. And lots of reasons? Puh-lease. That's just not true. About 5% of all obese people actually have a reason they cannot work out or would be obese regardless of working out. Or are we going to start faking thyroid problems now? And yeah, a fat girl who doesn't want to work out can have a different lifestyle than me. I have no problem with that. She is however fat (I thought we had already agreed on this one?), lazy (she's obviously not very active) and ugly (obesity is just not sexy). So okay, she might not be a bastard. But she probably is, because the cliché about the nice fat people? It's not happening, it's usually the other way around. And there's a sound biological reason for that too. Seriously, being overweight is almost never okay.

[make me believe]

You can't force her to lose the weight, so if you're really grossed out by how she looks and she isn't willing to try to change, then you should break up with her. I know that's not what you want to hear, but there really isn't anything else you can do. I don't blame you at all for being unhappy about this. Physical attraction and sexual chemistry are very important in a long-term relationship. It sounds like she's gotten comfortable in your relationship & feels ok with letting herself go. If my partner did that, I would not be ok with it. I agree with the posters who said that she's being disrespectful to both of you and to the relationship. If you want to talk to her about it, maybe you can phrase it that way. But please DON'T tell her you're repulsed by her body. That would just be cruel.

 

But I don't understand people who do this. Who doesn't want to be attractive and desireable to their mate?? If you suddenly ballooned up would she honestly be ok with it? I just don't think you are shallow or superficial because of this. When I was with my ex I gained about 15lbs (which showed a lot on my frame because I am small boned). But as soon as I realized what was happening, I put a stop to it! I never figured that I had him locked down so it was ok to let myself go. No way. Honestly, I think it will only get worse from here. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but if she feels like this is ok when you're only dating, I think it would get even worse if you got married and especially if you had kids together.

[LittleTiger]

Oh really? I seem to notice a lot of resentment from people who are obviously fat towards people who are fit. And lots of reasons? Puh-lease. That's just not true. About 5% of all obese people actually have a reason they cannot work out or would be obese regardless of working out. Or are we going to start faking thyroid problems now? And yeah, a fat girl who doesn't want to work out can have a different lifestyle than me. I have no problem with that. She is however fat (I thought we had already agreed on this one?), lazy (she's obviously not very active) and ugly (obesity is just not sexy). So okay, she might not be a bastard. But she probably is, because the cliché about the nice fat people? It's not happening, it's usually the other way around. And there's a sound biological reason for that too. Seriously, being overweight is almost never okay.

 

First of all you have absolutely no way of knowing who is fat and who is fit on this forum. You sound so full of hatred for fat people, it wouldn't surprise me if you have been or still are fat yourself. Or perhaps you feel threatened by a fear of being fat and that's why you need to exude such hatred towards them.

 

Yes, there are lots of reasons for people being fat. Most of them are psychological and a much lesser percentage physical (such as underactive thyroid - which, incidentally, is far more common than people realise).

 

Being overweight is NEVER okay - from a health perspective - BUT from an aesthetic perspective, other people's weight is none of your business and you have no right to be rude to them because of their size or shape.

 

Live and let live - if you don't want to be friends with, or date, fat people then don't, but quit the mud slinging - it's rude and unnecessary and does nothing to help the OP.

 

OP, my apologies for the TJ. Bigotry makes my blood boil!

[AlexDP]

First of all you have absolutely no way of knowing who is fat and who is fit on this forum. You sound so full of hatred for fat people, it wouldn't surprise me if you have been or still are fat yourself. Or perhaps you feel threatened by a fear of being fat and that's why you need to exude such hatred towards them.

 

Yes, there are lots of reasons for people being fat. Most of them are psychological and a much lesser percentage physical (such as underactive thyroid - which, incidentally, is far more common than people realise).

 

Being overweight is NEVER okay - from a health perspective - BUT from an aesthetic perspective, other people's weight is none of your business and you have no right to be rude to them because of their size or shape.

 

Live and let live - if you don't want to be friends with, or date, fat people then don't, but quit the mud slinging - it's rude and unnecessary and does nothing to help the OP.

 

OP, my apologies for the TJ. Bigotry makes my blood boil!

 

I am very far from fat. I also have never been fat. Then again I get paid to play soccer. Being overweight would kind of suck in that situation.

 

From an aesthetic perspective other people's weight is very much my business. Will I insult a girl I see because she's fat? Of course not. But I won't be attracted to her. And neither is the OP.

 

In general no, I don't want to date or be friends with fat people. And not just because of the way they look. Most, not all, fat people are lazy, inactive and a pain in the ass. That they have psychological issues doesn't really make things better, does it?

 

Bigotry? It's cold, hard fact.

 

EDIT: And the hate comes from fat people consistently insulting me because I do sports (which, despite the fact that I have two university degrees somehow automatically makes me an idiot) and telling me it's all genetics and that I'm just a lucky guy (that I work my ass off in practice and that I have worked my ass off for years has nothing to do with it apparently). No. NO excuses. Being fat is not okay.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh really? I seem to notice a lot of resentment from people who are obviously fat towards people who are fit. And lots of reasons? Puh-lease. That's just not true. About 5% of all obese people actually have a reason they cannot work out or would be obese regardless of working out. Or are we going to start faking thyroid problems now? And yeah, a fat girl who doesn't want to work out can have a different lifestyle than me. I have no problem with that. She is however fat (I thought we had already agreed on this one?), lazy (she's obviously not very active) and ugly (obesity is just not sexy). So okay, she might not be a bastard. But she probably is, because the cliché about the nice fat people? It's not happening, it's usually the other way around. And there's a sound biological reason for that too. Seriously, being overweight is almost never okay.

 

I think that the "reasons" stem more from an emotional place than a glandular one.

 

The majority of fat people HATE THEIR OWN GUTS for being fat, and for some reason, they eat compulsively, or have not yet figured out how to gather the strength to change lifelong bad habits.

 

Your posts are hateful.

 

Why?

 

Is being hateful towards other people (in this case all the lazy ugly disgusting fatties who are sitting behind their computers hoping someone will notice them) some kind of a problem you have?

 

From the tone of your posts, you have more serious problems, and a more repugnant form of ugliness than the average fatso.

 

Just saying.

 

Maybe you need to work on it.

[OldOnTheInside]

I think you should say something like "I'm going to really need you to lose this weight and keep it off or I don't see a future together. " That's the truth isn't it?

 

Simple, honest, upfront, non-confrontational. It's not so hard is it OP?

 

And the hate comes from fat people consistently insulting me because I do sports

 

Oh poor you...

 

See a counsellor if the tubbos are bothering you so much. Better than living in hatred for the rest of your life.

[AlexDP]

I think that the "reasons" stem more from an emotional place than a glandular one.

 

The majority of fat people HATE THEIR OWN GUTS for being fat, and for some reason, they eat compulsively, or have not yet figured out how to gather the strength to change lifelong bad habits.

 

 

Are these people you should date then? Obviously not. I have no interest in fixing someone or caring for people who cannot even care for themselves. Maybe that's a problem you have. Perhaps you want to rescue them, make them feel good about themselves. Just saying.

[AlexDP]

 

 

Oh poor you...

 

See a counsellor if the tubbos are bothering you so much. Better than living in hatred for the rest of your life.

 

Well, hatred is a strong word. To me they simply don't exist when it comes to dating.

[AlexDP]

It's actually opinion, not fact. There are people I've known who are big, not obese big, but overweight, who were fitter than people who were of average/ideal weight. And that would be proven on the football/soccer pitch because my ex was as skinny as a pole, and his friend was overweight, yet my ex only played one game per week, and his friend played most nights. It's not necessarily a measure of how active you are.

 

No. You're not going to be a good soccer player if you're overweight. It's not happening. Skinny doesn't always mean fit, but overweight never does. A fat soccer player is a bad soccer player.

 

And it's not opinion. It is fact. There is a reason actors are fit.

[OldOnTheInside]

Well, hatred is a strong word. To me they simply don't exist when it comes to dating.

 

Not just dating but friendship too, from what you have said.

 

Here's the thing: you have people overweight people making grandiose presumptions about how you are dumb and biologically lucky and that your hard work is irrelavent to your current status. And now, you are ironically, also making presumptions.

 

He who fights monsters...

 

It's actually opinion, not fact. There are people I've known who are big, not obese big, but overweight, who were fitter than people who were of average/ideal weight.

It's called a weightlifter or boxer's body. I know this because I work out 6 days a week on average, and I have one.