♥ ~ Love Sickness ~ ♥

[HeartShineGirl]

I really do appreciate all the things that people say here, even at times when I sit here and think to myself "WOW" these women (and men- if there are any) are really sticking it to me.

 

This forum is the perfect place to come, if you are the wife of a man who cheated. You can come here, and together warn "Mistresses" about the "Cheating Men". I get it. I really do.

 

I also get it that there is more than bitterness here, there is a community of women trying to support other women who have been through this before, and they can come and share similar stories. There is a lot of goodness in that.

 

However, at the same time I am also seeing ex-Mistresses who are here to warn new Mistresses that even if the husband leaves, he's going to be a liar, and a cheat.

 

I don't see much

"HOPE"

coming from these forums from women, whether they were from the wives, who got dumped, or the mistresses who got burned. Whatever the case, I sure hope that I can be that little bit of "sunshine" (even in my immaturity) to these forums for the women who do fall in love and who do end up following their hearts.

 

The reason I say this is because we do not know, truly when there will be that one amazing relationship that comes from such an affair... and if we sit back and say "Not possible! That didn't happen for me!" we would be saying that it's impossible, and we all know that on this amazing planet, anything IS possible and sometimes there are miracles that do happen.

 

I'm not trying to say I'm in some kind of miracle relationship... I can't say that "YET" and I wouldn't try. I am only posting responses to keep everyone informed, and to maybe HOPE that I might be the one "against all odds" that ends up happy. Of course, any time we are in love, isn't that the hope?!

 

I don't even want to say much here now for fear of being put down. I mean, think about it... everyone who's eyes are on this now has already made up their mind to pity me, and to think I need to "wake up" to reality...

 

But, I have a lot of people in my real life who know me, and who have met my boyfriend and all of those people, including my family members, and dearest friends and coworkers who are very protective of me, all know the truth of the situation, have all met him and all of those people, every single one of them adore him and support me in my decision and even envy the loving relationship the two of us have. Friends of his, at his work, tell me all the time what happiness I have brought to his life.... how he is so happy now and used to be so very unhappy.

 

I understand that to many people, cheating is unforgivable, and for some reason people tend to think that once a man is a cheater, always a cheater.... it's like saying 'once an alcoholic- always an alcoholic' or something similar, like an addiction... I get it.... I honestly do... but I have known many people who have turned their lives around and changed and went on to be successful people, ex-alcoholics, etc.

 

I'm just trying to come to the defense of the human nature... we all are not perfect... that's all I am saying, and some of us make bad choices.... but that doesn't mean we always will.

 

I am planning to see this out. IF it goes BAD I will let everyone know, so that you can all say "I told you so!" Because I know that would please a lot of you and once again reinforce your belief that married men that fall in love with another woman and have an affair are worthless pieces of ****. Because I'm getting that vibe here. No offense, I am honestly trying to get on that side of the fence with you just to communicate that "I totally get it"

 

But, let me stop acting immature here (for I dunno how I am doing it but I guess I'm pretty good at it) and let me say just this one thing.....

 

"So far.... so good.... "

 

*He has female friends that tell me I make him so happy and that he's a wonderful person.

*His sister's thank me for being in his life and that they HATED his wife (they want to kick her ***) for treating him like **** for so long.

*His son even tells his dad "Dad, I understand why you want to leave mom"

*His coworkers- males this time- really tell me he's the best boss they ever had and that they hope he stays happy because I make him smile all the time.

*My mom adores him.

* My kids love him.

* My supervisor thinks he's amazing (so do the people in payroll who are my friends who have met him.

* He came to my work Christmas Party and everyone APPROVES!

*My dearest guy friend (who is very against cheating= and who knows he was married and was against the whole situation at first) totally told me that I made a good choice though and that he's a KEEPER!

*He's very humble and has admitted all of his past mistakes, infidelities, etc... to me long ago and opened up to me about why these things occurred (She is the one that told him to have the affairs when he was in the military-long story)....

 

As I said, I don't want to talk bad about her (but I totally wouldn't be the only one who would-mind you his sisters would too).

 

And, I don't want to have to come here and say "Listen people STOP trying to convince me that he's a piece of **** when I know otherwise. I'm not as stupid as you might think that I am. I am actually able to smell a piece of **** when I am in the presence of one. This guy IS different, but you know.. I'm going to stay here and take whatever you all have to say as best and as nice as I can and it might outcast me if my relationship with him does turn out to be wonderful in the end, but if it does fail... I promise you all, I will come back and eat my words and give you all the "You were right! You warned me!" messages that you so long to hear. And, Oh,.... I know you do want that... Because you are, out of the goodness of your hearts, trying to protect me from the men that are like the ones you have known...

 

Bless you all for that.

 

But... so far so good. My man doesn't drink alcohol at all.... he's a hard worker, very supportive... very caring... but, yeah... he was married when I met him.... (I'm not sure if that qualifies him straight away to be not trustworthy- but I'm willing to wait and see).

 

 

After all.... I'm happy, and so is he.... and I have not one bad thing to say about him. He's never once done/said anything that has hurt me, in any way.

 

 

 

[MissBee]

Hey Heart,

 

I guess for me, I am not sure that even if my A was working out, I'd want to provide "hope" to others. Just for me personally, I don't see it as a fruitful venture. I believe that things work out as they should and in the matter of an A....the ones that will be "miracles" that work out will do so...and there is no need for me to provide people with hope that theirs will.

 

I dunno...I guess I'd rather encourage someone to pursue another avenue of happiness than pin their hopes on their A "in case" it's a miracle. What is to be will be I say and if an A is meant to be more than that, then it will, regardless of if people here provide hope for those involved.

 

Just curious, did anything particular tonight make you want to get on here and share this?

[HeartShineGirl]

P.S. (I saved before I finished and then I couldn't update it...)

 

 

In other words he's the kindest person I have ever known, and he's always worried so much about my happiness... he's always feared that he was going to break my heart when I found out and the day he told me he cried because he was so afraid of the pain I'd feel and the fear of losing me....

 

But, after all of that..... settling that storm and going through what I would call the waiting period.... "the calm down period" (of wife- not me).... and picking up pieces of what I can only call... "reality" I've tread very carefully (this was during the year when I didn't post here, and quietly lived my life continuing with all that I am doing).... and I have paid VERY close attention to HIM and the way he treated me and the way he acted with me, and the things he's done and I have analyzed and over analyzed and I can only come to one reality now... "He's never done/said a single thing to be hurtful to me in any way... he's always been very kind, understanding, supportive, loving and reassuring as well as humble and apologetic ..... "

 

Sorry about my typos... run-ons, bad grammar, bad punctuation, etc. I am not very nit-picky about that stuff, and I know it looks bad... forgive me. I'm too lazy here to clean it up because I'm writing from my heart right now and not using my mind to try to make this look perfect... I'm only here with my heart right now... as I always have been since day 1.

 

And, you've all been wonderful... even when insulting me... I will never know what life has been like in your shoes, but I know your intentions and I know some of you think I am just a dumb girl stuck with a loser guy.... but if that is true, at least I'm in ignorant bliss and if he's a loser, it's only because he was lost for so long and now is happy... and if I could die now I would die happy and I wouldn't even care if I was dumb or whatever.

 

In my own opinion of myself... I'm a romantic, and a dreamer and a kind person and I can see through people pretty well.... and this one man in particular.... I see through him so transparently and I know one thing... I love him.... I forgive him..... I accept him.....

 

And, if he ever hurts me.... I'll be very surprised... but I will come here as promised and let you all know.

 

Goodnight... xo

 

Heart

[HeartShineGirl]

LOL...Heartshine you could have just written a single update and everyone would have seen it. You don't need to announce that your MM left to each individual poster.

 

Good luck to ya! I'm glad he left his wife because I think she can do better than him. Hope you enjoy your life with a liar and a cheater.

 

 

LOL, I really like the way you said that. You totally made your point, and you know... I hope she does too.... because I'm totally happy with this guy who she spend many years putting down and belittling... and I don't think any guy is going to make her happy but lets hope someone out there will.

 

It would be nice to have her leave him alone sometime soon. She just can't stop trying to get him to baby her and play daddy to her... she always acts incapable of doing anything for herself... and she is soooooooooo good at playing 'take care of me' and trying to get him to do so.

 

I really hope she finds someone with a lot of money that is what she needs, and someone who will spoil her how she wants (because as she says ... 'her husband was never able to satisfy her in any way'.... *rolls eyes* )

 

SHE is a self-proclaimed SPOILED BRAT (was before she was even married)... but yes... I hope to hell she does find someone "better" than him.... to agree with you....

 

By the way I do get that you were saying he's a piece of crap by the way... but you know what... He's not. But, it's okay that you think so. I like that you gave me an opportunity to once again defend him, but my real gripe is her, I really really really hope she does find someone because she's not easy to please... and since she has had such a rotten, miserable life for 27+ years, I truly hope she does find happiness... I must be easy as hell to please in comparison. LOL Because I am happy.... I dunno, maybe I'm just nuts.

[spice4life]

Hey heartshine...no worries! It sounds like you have a handle on your situation and are in it with your eyes wide open. Honestly, sometimes a person is in a sh***y marriage and that's all there is to it. And, they didn't realize it until someone (like you) came along and showed them differently. Not every situation is black and white and some people end up married to someone who either treats them badly or is simply not a good match for them. I was in a bad marriage and felt trapped and hopeless for quite some time before I finally had the courage to leave. So I can definitely understand that how this might be the case with your guy.

 

If his actions are meeting his words that's great. Best wishes and I hope it all works out for you.

[HeartShineGirl]

Hey heartshine...no worries! It sounds like you have a handle on your situation and are in it with your eyes wide open. Honestly, sometimes a person is in a sh***y marriage and that's all there is to it. And, they didn't realize it until someone (like you) came along and showed them differently. Not every situation is black and white and some people end up married to someone who either treats them badly or is simply not a good match for them. I was in a bad marriage and felt trapped and hopeless for quite some time before I finally had the courage to leave. So I can definitely understand that how this might be the case with your guy.

 

If his actions are meeting his words that's great. Best wishes and I hope it all works out for you.

 

 

Wow! It's nice to actually have a refreshing 'best wishes' type of comment/post that actually is supportive of my hopes and wishes!! Thank you! :love:

[alexandria35]

Hey Heart,

 

I guess for me, I am not sure that even if my A was working out, I'd want to provide "hope" to others. Just for me personally, I don't see it as a fruitful venture. I believe that things work out as they should and in the matter of an A....the ones that will be "miracles" that work out will do so...and there is no need for me to provide people with hope that theirs will.

 

I dunno...I guess I'd rather encourage someone to pursue another avenue of happiness than pin their hopes on their A "in case" it's a miracle. What is to be will be I say and if an A is meant to be more than that, then it will, regardless of if people here provide hope for those involved.

 

Just curious, did anything particular tonight make you want to get on here and share this?

 

MissB makes a good point here. I'm a nasty smoker and have been for years. Lately it has started to scare the crap out of me as I have started to see the negative consequences. My brothers gf's mother recently found out that she had a brain tumor. She had emergency brain surgery to remove as much of it as they could and then it was discovered that she has lung cancer which had spread to her brain and caused the tumor in the first place. Holy Crap! They have given her less than a year to live and she is only in her early sixites. My brothers gf is devastated. Sadly this is the way things end for most smokers and it's turning into a real wakeup call for me. However you always meet that one person that seems to defy the odds. I've met the occasional really elderly person who has broken all the rules, smoked, drank excessively, sunbathed, took drugs, and yet they are still miracously in good health. Their like 100 years old and still chain smoking for God's sake...lol. I say good for them!! But wouldn't it be rather disgusting of them to encourage other people to smoke and drink their faces off too, because gee, it worked out okay for them?

 

Please do keep us posted. If nothing else I have to say I admire your tenacity in continuing to post here considering that people have been rather hard on you. You seem pretty good natured about accepting other peoples opinions and criticisms. You judge his wife pretty harshly too though. I'm not hoping to see you fail. What's done is done and nothing will undo it so I see no point in wishing unhappiness upon you or your relationship. That being said I will be surprised if this relationship goes longterm or turns into a happy marriage. I'm not saying this to be mean but based on everything you have posted in this thread this guy just doesn't sound honorable. Even if his wife was the evil biotch that you want us to think she is, he is still not honorable.

[HeartShineGirl]

Hey Heart,

 

I guess for me, I am not sure that even if my A was working out, I'd want to provide "hope" to others. Just for me personally, I don't see it as a fruitful venture. I believe that things work out as they should and in the matter of an A....the ones that will be "miracles" that work out will do so...and there is no need for me to provide people with hope that theirs will.

 

I dunno...I guess I'd rather encourage someone to pursue another avenue of happiness than pin their hopes on their A "in case" it's a miracle. What is to be will be I say and if an A is meant to be more than that, then it will, regardless of if people here provide hope for those involved.

 

Just curious, did anything particular tonight make you want to get on here and share this?

 

In answer to your question... not really and kinda. It was one of those quiet days of lazing around reading a book, and missing my boyfriend, talking to him on the phone quite a bit and coming online to find that so many people seemed down and depressed. A friend of mine made a comment about how everyone seems so down and negative and I said that we should post happy things because there is so much negativity going on and so many depressing posts (facebook) and I thought of how I sometimes post and how I get negative responses, and decided to come to see (since I was already prepared to see what kind of posts would be here) and I kind of thought to myself... I wonder what the posters have to say since my last post... I should be ready for anything! With that thought and my sitting here ending my weekend and Monday coming I thought I'd see if I could find some inspiration to feel magical thoughts.... I thought if I could get a dose of the reality of these forums I would be inspired to help others, as I usually am when I read here.. (not just in my own posts, mind you...) But I do sometimes read here, and then read all the replies to others, I don't often say much I keep to myself, but I do often wonder what the lives of others are and then when I get the energy up to do so I go to my facebook and I post beautiful photos and inspirational words of hope to others out there who might be hurting. I've always been kind of that way....

 

In here, I find myself constantly defending myself... and my boyfriend, and it brings me into the 'uglier' side of reality which is that 'situation' that I have been in where I should have had some kind of 'hope light turned on in the dark of my pain' but where I often didn't find any except for my own hope....

 

That's why I say I like to give hope... because when there is love involved, sometimes no matter what the situation.... some little bit of hope somewhere could help a heart not hurt so bad....

 

I don't feel even false-hope is so bad because in reality I believe deep down we all know when something is not going to work out, and listening to false-hope just sort of band-aids the pain temporarily until we come to our senses... but sometimes there is a need for hope... and I believe that I'd rather add hope to help balance the negativity a bit because there is just too much of it in our world, and way too much judgement to make me feel at peace.

 

That's why I came here... for inspiration.

[HeartShineGirl]

MissB makes a good point here. I'm a nasty smoker and have been for years. Lately it has started to scare the crap out of me as I have started to see the negative consequences. My brothers gf's mother recently found out that she had a brain tumor. She had emergency brain surgery to remove as much of it as they could and then it was discovered that she has lung cancer which had spread to her brain and caused the tumor in the first place. Holy Crap! They have given her less than a year to live and she is only in her early sixites. My brothers gf is devastated. Sadly this is the way things end for most smokers and it's turning into a real wakeup call for me. However you always meet that one person that seems to defy the odds. I've met the occasional really elderly person who has broken all the rules, smoked, drank excessively, sunbathed, took drugs, and yet they are still miracously in good health. Their like 100 years old and still chain smoking for God's sake...lol. I say good for them!! But wouldn't it be rather disgusting of them to encourage other people to smoke and drink their faces off too, because gee, it worked out okay for them?

 

Please do keep us posted. If nothing else I have to say I admire your tenacity in continuing to post here considering that people have been rather hard on you. You seem pretty good natured about accepting other peoples opinions and criticisms. You judge his wife pretty harshly too though. I'm not hoping to see you fail. What's done is done and nothing will undo it so I see no point in wishing unhappiness upon you or your relationship. That being said I will be surprised if this relationship goes longterm or turns into a happy marriage. I'm not saying this to be mean but based on everything you have posted in this thread this guy just doesn't sound honorable. Even if his wife was the evil biotch that you want us to think she is, he is still not honorable.

 

The last sentence made me laugh only because I really do not think she is an evil biotch but god she knows how to act like one! I actually told him recently that she cracked me up on some of the things she does and says and I actually really can't BELIEVE how unbelievable she is in the things she does and says. I totally believe she is a wonderful hostess, and loves to be spoiled rotten and throw big parties and be around lots of friends and to be babied to no end, and to be girly and have all that she ever dreamed of, okay I get the whole "Baby me, I'm a barbie and I deserve it!" But, damn, she is really really crazy nutty and says some really horrific things... in a very crazy way I think she is completely nuts, and I don't even want to try to act like I'm just siding with him here.... but I know I sound like I am.

Let me put it to you this way... I do not know what kind of a woman she is... but I know what kind of a woman I am and I would NEVER do/say/act like she does and mean it.

 

She is unbelievable in many ways.... I do not want to divulge all that I know about her, but she is NOT 'little miss sweet innocent wife who was hurt'...

 

I can't even begin... but if his sisters were here oh the things they WOULD say.... I am really holding back. I really really really am always in shock when I talk to her, I sit with my jaw dropped in disbelief and in watching her say one thing and then do another or contradict herself in every other sentence and make huge crazy (and I mean CRAZY) dramas in so many ways. OMG.. God love her! That's all I can say.. God love her there has to be a man for her out there in this world! I just know ... I know.... what a roller coaster of a ride they will be in for.....

 

To say nicely, she's very entertaining when she holds you hostage for 3 hours straight with her face pressed up against yours and drills you with her craziness.

 

That's no joke!

[HeartShineGirl]

The last sentence made me laugh only because I really do not think she is an evil biotch but god she knows how to act like one! I actually told him recently that she cracked me up on some of the things she does and says and I actually really can't BELIEVE how unbelievable she is in the things she does and says. I totally believe she is a wonderful hostess, and loves to be spoiled rotten and throw big parties and be around lots of friends and to be babied to no end, and to be girly and have all that she ever dreamed of, okay I get the whole "Baby me, I'm a barbie and I deserve it!" But, damn, she is really really crazy nutty and says some really horrific things... in a very crazy way I think she is completely nuts, and I don't even want to try to act like I'm just siding with him here.... but I know I sound like I am.

Let me put it to you this way... I do not know what kind of a woman she is... but I know what kind of a woman I am and I would NEVER do/say/act like she does and mean it.

 

She is unbelievable in many ways.... I do not want to divulge all that I know about her, but she is NOT 'little miss sweet innocent wife who was hurt'...

 

I can't even begin... but if his sisters were here oh the things they WOULD say.... I am really holding back. I really really really am always in shock when I talk to her, I sit with my jaw dropped in disbelief and in watching her say one thing and then do another or contradict herself in every other sentence and make huge crazy (and I mean CRAZY) dramas in so many ways. OMG.. God love her! That's all I can say.. God love her there has to be a man for her out there in this world! I just know ... I know.... what a roller coaster of a ride they will be in for.....

 

To say nicely, she's very entertaining when she holds you hostage for 3 hours straight with her face pressed up against yours and drills you with her craziness.

 

That's no joke!

 

OH... and don't even think you can get a word in edgewise.... it's all about her.

 

Trust me, she wants to find someone 'better' than **** (I wont say his name)

 

She's drilled him on that since day 1. And, continues to without any shame at all. And, spent many years talking horrible about him to his sisters behind his back while they zipped their lips to not hurt him.... but now they are with dukes up ready to let her have it... (I'm not kidding------- seriously---- they dislike her THAT much for treating him so bad and other things I can't say about).

[HeartShineGirl]

By the way....

 

I was planning to go to bed..... but I relaxed in bed all day reading.... so I guess I have too much energy....

 

 

Anyhoooo.....

 

I just want all this 'drama' to end....(and it's starting to)... I'm glad he's living on his own... I'm glad they're closing all their mutual accounts and settling affairs together and talking about the sale of the house and all of that.. and I am really pleased that it's all kind of going very nicely right now.

 

When I say that I do not mean "for me" I mean for them.. (him and her, being civil, her happy for him that he's happy and all of that.)

 

But she still acts crazy - wanting to be my best friend and all that... and saying some really crazy things (Like asking personal things or wanting to see me naked or whatever nutty stuff she comes out with).... just NOT my cup of tea if you know what I mean! LOL

 

Okay I am sure she is having a good time stopping traffic with her skimpy outfits and enjoying all the men after her... I think she is finally in her element of happiness with getting all that attention... and I think it's about time she is happy as much as I believe it's about time he is too!

 

I'm always happy! No matter what But, he sure does make me happier than any guy ever has.

 

Love love love

 

Heart xo

[Rayne03]

Every poster has their own reason for posting negativity towards you, but as I started reading the thread, I somehow guessed that this situation was going to work itself out. You seemed very honest and genuine in your posts.

 

I do have to say that as much as I cannot understand why someone would lie about being married, as your guy did in the beginning, I am happy that the two of you worked through it for you do sound good for each other and nobody should stay in an abusive relationship.... and it sounds as though he definitely stayed in a very long abusive marriage.

 

Because he is a kind, gentle and generous person, I believe that is what made it so hard for him to leave his marriage. Because these types of men will do anything for the ones they care about (and even though he may not have been in love with his wife, I'm sure he still cared for her well being). Besides that, separation is not something that happens overnight as many posters here seemed to think it should, it's always a process. It takes time to untangle such a long relationship.

 

Anyhow, I think the two of you sound very happy together and will continue to bring joy into each others lives. The final thing I did want to say is, I know a couple that went through something similar (but without the deception in the beginning and they did not have sexual relations until he eventually did move out on his own), and they are very happily celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary this year.

 

I wish you both the best.

[wannabdone]

You met him almost two years ago next month and he's still hasn't filed for divorce (or maybe I missed that part in the thread). If he's moved out of his house, what is he waiting for?

 

And she wants to be your best friend, calling you and having hours-long conversations? I don't know HeartShineGirl - it sounds like she's not done with him yet.

 

 

Don't they call that keeping your enemies closer?

[happyme]

Affairs are not all the same, even though they all have some elements in common. People are people, affairs happen and yes, some do end up being happy relationships. Oddly - and I cannot remember how or why - but your post was the very first one I ever read on here HeartShineGirl, the first 'story' if you like, and to me you sound like a warm and honest person. I see you love your man very much and I wish you all the best. Being in love is wonderful and you have been happy together for a long enough time for me to believe that it may really work out. By the way I just want to say I do understand those who have been hurt by betrayal of any kind and are perhaps therefore not supportive of your situation. I have been betrayed myself in the past, so I understand. But it's important to realise that not every situation is the same. I am happy that you are still happy HSG, and long may it continue.

[jwi71]

OH... and don't even think you can get a word in edgewise.... it's all about her.

 

Kinda like all your recent posts - all about her.

 

My advice is to stop posting/thinking/obsessing(?) all about her and focus on the transitional phase with him.

 

It gets my spidey-sense tingling when I read these types of posts - all about how bad the BS is. It smacks of deflection.

 

Let him handle his D it's not your issue to deal with.

Let him handle his xW, she is not an issue for you to deal with.

 

Good luck, I hope you can get the ending you want.

Edited April 3, 2012 by jwi71
Damn autocorrect

[HeartShineGirl]

Every poster has their own reason for posting negativity towards you, but as I started reading the thread, I somehow guessed that this situation was going to work itself out. You seemed very honest and genuine in your posts.

 

I do have to say that as much as I cannot understand why someone would lie about being married, as your guy did in the beginning, I am happy that the two of you worked through it for you do sound good for each other and nobody should stay in an abusive relationship.... and it sounds as though he definitely stayed in a very long abusive marriage.

 

Because he is a kind, gentle and generous person, I believe that is what made it so hard for him to leave his marriage. Because these types of men will do anything for the ones they care about (and even though he may not have been in love with his wife, I'm sure he still cared for her well being). Besides that, separation is not something that happens overnight as many posters here seemed to think it should, it's always a process. It takes time to untangle such a long relationship.

 

Anyhow, I think the two of you sound very happy together and will continue to bring joy into each others lives. The final thing I did want to say is, I know a couple that went through something similar (but without the deception in the beginning and they did not have sexual relations until he eventually did move out on his own), and they are very happily celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary this year.

 

I wish you both the best.

 

Thanks, you know I originally came here because I was so love sick, just didn't know what to do, what to think... that was almost two years ago.... and truthfully, I've never regretted a day of it all, because as the whole situation unfolded I put aside my judgement and let my heart open up and forgive and try to understand, and I have really learned so much. It's amazing what happens inside of us as we allow people to be themselves and not make them feel like they have to be afraid to be honest and, also just to use intuition, understanding, kindness and love to try to step outside our own hurt and upset and see the entire life stories of others as they open up. Had I made a quick snap judgement about him based on the lie that almost ripped my heart out when I realized it.... I suppose I wouldn't have learned as much as I have about life, love and realities that are often not so easy to figure out.... I learned that just because I think I know what is going on.... I don't truly know what's going on until time has passed and I can look back and see it....

[HeartShineGirl]

You met him almost two years ago next month and he's still hasn't filed for divorce (or maybe I missed that part in the thread). If he's moved out of his house, what is he waiting for?

 

And she wants to be your best friend, calling you and having hours-long conversations? I don't know HeartShineGirl - it sounds like she's not done with him yet.

 

Oh no... she is nuts. There's no way we could be best friends. Of course she's not done with him, she needs him to support her, she can't do anything on her own (it's all about her). I really guess the misunderstanding her is that I paint her trying to be my best friend. Well, when I talk to her yes, she wants to be my best friend so that she and I can go out and she can bash him some more.... like she has done all of the times she's been out with her friends talking bad/mean about him. It's as if she has some crazy idea that if she trash talks about him to me that I'll somehow be brainwashed into believing he's as bad as she wants me to believe... she does this because it's what she has always done, it didn't just start when I came into the picture, trust me on that, I already have heard about her antics from his other family members, and his friends and she herself has told me that she's never really 'loved him' etc.... it's just one criticism after another from her, and she is just that type of woman.

 

As far as her being done with him... she has no choice. He's done with her, and has been for a while.

 

The divorce- well, they are trying to settle the house/monies/bills first. They have an agreement and it's a money issue. Also, I think a religious issue, they're working on it, it's going slowly, yes... but everyone does this type of thing at their own pace, for their own reasons. Heck when I got divorced, I separated in 2000, and we both didn't have any interest in each other any more but it wasn't until 2003 when we got divorced, and we lived in two different states. The cost of the divorce was one reason, and then the legalities and all that was another.

 

I don't understand a person who can just walk away cold from a long relationship, file for divorce, and just leave.

 

I know how hard it is for me to break off friendships... omg, they always drag on... let alone just abandoning a family (wife and son) and leaving and divorcing and just tossing them out to fend for themselves, when they've always been taken care of so well. It just would not make sense for him to do such a thing... he's too worried about their well being, even though it's not, and has not been, a 'loving' marriage for quite some time... it's still very obvious he feels responsible for breaking up the marriage and he feels responsible to help them to get to a place where they can afford to live without him doing all of the support of all their needs.

 

Some men just do not abandon people they have taken care of as if closing a chapter in a book and tossing the book into the fire, for him it's very much a responsibility that he takes seriously and is doing his best to help them right now and to work out a plan and then when he feels that she is emotionally ready to handle it he is going to begin the paperwork for the divorce. Right now she's just adjusting to him leaving and reality is hitting her and the truth of the matter is, sometimes these things take time.

 

Of course part of me wants to say "Just divorce her and leave her behind! forget all about her, come with me!" Of course, yes, because I want him all for myself, but that is cruel, and imagine if you had a husband that just up and dumped you and walked out and sent you divorce papers as soon as he fell in love with someone else, and just left you to 'figure out what you are going to do all on your own" while your entire family lives in another country and you have no one to count on in your time of need?

 

He's just not that cruel.

 

I for one am glad he's not like that.

[HeartShineGirl]

Don't they call that keeping your enemies closer?

 

I'm not her enemy... as far as I can tell I'm taking a man off of her hands that she never even loved. He never lived up to her high standards and ideals. He was never able to please her. He was never good enough, never made enough money, etc... etc... etc....

 

Enemy? Please... this woman gets everyone to pity her for being stuck in a marriage of convenience (he's good enough to buy her as many coach purses as she wants and to pay her bills, and give her a good life, but that apparently is all he was good for)....

 

Have I ever heard her say that she loved him or wanted him or that he made her so happy or any of that... no. I've only ever heard how wonderful and fantastic she was. She should get an Oscar for being such a perfect wife if she told her side of the story.

 

I've already heard the truth from family members of his, and his friends (people who have no reason to lie to me) and as far as I can tell..... I've done her a favor.

 

I'm not trying to paint her bad, I'm actually being gentle here. If you all knew the truth about her, if I TOLD you what she's done in the past, and explained this situation a bit better, maybe you would have a better understanding but I am truthfully trying to not say too much because I am trying to leave all that stuff out of this mess.

 

I'm just saying what I experience with her... my opinion of it.... and I know it sounds like I'm painting her bad to make her seem like a biotch or whatever, that's not what I am trying to do. I'm trying to tell you guys this is a woman who USED a man to get her US Citizenship, then treated him like **** for the rest of the time and didn't leave the marriage ONLY because she was so incapable of caring for herself (lady wouldn't even drive a car for a long time and still wont go on a freeway) and also wouldn't work, refused to get an education at college to work, wanted to just stay home and socialize with friends and go out and go on shopping sprees, and be taken care of.

 

Okay I get wanting to be a pampered wife and get taken care of but .... he was military and always gone and there's so much more to what she has done and it's not just ALL him who was unfaithful. It's way more than all of that. WAY more and I'm trying to leave all the details behind, because in reality all I want is you guys to get it that SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! Seriously!?!?!?!?!

 

What part of that do people not get. Is it because it's stereotypical that a mistress would say such a thing? I don't think so. Usually I would think that a woman has a kind enough heart to say "Yes, he loves his wife, and she loves him, and they're trying to work it out...." Or, whatever, I do not think we come here making up lies about the wife. I'm not trying to do that.

 

But, people keep making out like she's some kind of saint, just because she is the wife, and making out like he's the devil, because he fell in love with someone else and had an affair.

 

I'm sure that is the popular opinion of cheaters.. that THEY are the bad guys and not the 'sweet little innocent wife' but ......

 

Sometimes.... there are really good men who get used for many years and treated like crap, and are made to feel they can do nothing right and told that they are not loved and these men are just trying to hold onto sanity... okay some times that is the case, and that is just one reason a man might cheat... and then there are men who cheat because they need an ego boost, or mid-life crisis, or because human emotions sometimes are so strong we do not have the will to resist the pleasures of the flesh... just saying...

 

This was a marriage of convenience. It's over now. Has been for a long time. I had really nothing to do with it ending. This wasn't about me, this was happening between them long before I came into the picture....

 

I stepped aside and waited, to see what would happen...

 

Do not judge all married men who cheat or lie.... for every single one of them is a different soul in a different body and they all have their reasons, and I am sure all very different. Some of the stories are not like in the movies... I wish people would realize that.

Edited April 4, 2012 by HeartShineGirl

[HeartShineGirl]

Affairs are not all the same, even though they all have some elements in common. People are people, affairs happen and yes, some do end up being happy relationships. Oddly - and I cannot remember how or why - but your post was the very first one I ever read on here HeartShineGirl, the first 'story' if you like, and to me you sound like a warm and honest person. I see you love your man very much and I wish you all the best. Being in love is wonderful and you have been happy together for a long enough time for me to believe that it may really work out. By the way I just want to say I do understand those who have been hurt by betrayal of any kind and are perhaps therefore not supportive of your situation. I have been betrayed myself in the past, so I understand. But it's important to realise that not every situation is the same. I am happy that you are still happy HSG, and long may it continue.

 

Thank you.

 

I did not bring up my past, my past marriage details, but I think I will for a moment since I realize I am sounding like I am bashing the wife of my boyfriend a bit and not bashing myself a bit ... which at this point maybe if I do it will make sense a bit more to others as to my point of view.

 

I was married for 12 years to a man that I did not love because I got pregnant by him (he was my best friend- and I cared but it wasn't romance, it was just sex in my teens with a guy who was there, and who I didn't want a serious relationship with really) anyhow... let me continue...

 

I stayed with him because he was funny and wanted to be there with me to take care of my daughter, and by the way he was in love with me, madly.

 

I could have cared less,... but I didn't want my daughter to not have a dad. We remained married for 12 years and it was like constant laughter which was good, but I was very lonely and I had thought many times of what it would be like just to feel in love.

 

Unlike some couples who get married, I never did fall in love with him. Pity. But there were reasons.

 

#1- he was a compulsive liar, a cheat, and a spend-a-holic

#2- he acted like an idiot most of the time (which was why he was funny)

#3- he was constantly bragging about his ***** size to everyone and showing it to anyone who would look (men included)

#4- he cheated on me with others (men/women) and was constantly TRYING to hit on others... (I'll kinda stop there, too much info already)

 

Get my drift?

 

Well, when we finally separated it was because I couldn't take his jealousy and insecurity and his anger any more. I was fine working my butt off while he stayed home and spent all the money (getting us kicked out of places for not paying the rent because he would spend and spend)

 

I was fine with trying to take care of everything under the sun by myself while he popped pain pills and spent money on that too.

 

I was such an optimistic person, I just wanted to work, raise the kids, try to do better, and in the end, something just clicked and it dawned on me... "What am I staying with this fool for?!"

 

I left.

 

He went around and told everyone he could that I cheated on him with some guy (who I had never even met) and made me look like a big bad guy.

 

He was just wanting to look like he was the good guy.

 

No one in my family, nor any of my friends knew what he was like, that he cheated on me with men for example, that he got us evicted from 3 places, that he put me into huge debt and ran up all kinds of credit cards with his extravagant desires for having to have everything the Jones's had (that we could not afford)

 

People thought I was cruel to just leave him ... and walk away... but I did so and gave him everything, and took nothing... but I did keep paying on the bills he kept accumulating and leaving behind... he moved to another state, never really kept in touch, had to run from me to not pay child support for our kids and basically told me I was not getting a dime of alimony or anything (he was unemployed for a time while on disability but he always made a lot more than I did, but I paid all the bills with my checks) ANYHOW... okay....

 

Long story short.

 

We looked like we had the perfect marriage. After it ended because I didn't want any part of it anymore- he did everything he could to get everyone to side with him to see him as the "GOOD GUY" and me as the bad guy.

 

Where is the truth in this whole big mess of story? I have my side, he has his. But, if you analyze the whole thing, it was a freaking mess! Why the heck should we ever have even been married?!?!?! What? For the kids? OMG... it makes me think.. omg, why do some people get married and what the heck were they thinking.... and where is the truth when the separation happens...? It's all subjective.

 

Was I the bad guy in the marriage? No... but you know... I wasn't exactly a good guy either, I admittedly never loved him and ignored him most of the time.

 

So, he cheated... but the separation was the best thing that ever could have happened.

 

All I know is my boyfriend and his 'wife' they really need to separate... just as much as me and my ex needed to. That is not the way a marriage should be.. I see it, I've been there in a bad marriage, and I see it in others, and I am sorry but no one should stay married if they are not in love just because a piece of paper says so.

 

But, divorce is hard.. takes time. I dunno why I unloaded all that on you omg... haha I need to go to bed.

[HeartShineGirl]

This story troubles me. The guy was living a double life, with you part of the time, pretending to be single but yet had a wife that he DID NOT tell you about until you figured it out. He told you the biggest lie of all, so how can you assume that anything from his lips is true? From your recent posts, it seems he still lives in a different place from you, so I wonder, do you have proof, (not just his word) that what he is telling you now is true?

 

 

He works in this other city, and he's not that far off from his retirement from that company so he is not just going to move away.

 

Um, yeah... I drive down there to stay with him, he comes up here to stay with me.... I see him a lot, almost every weekend, only maybe one weekend a month we decide not to do the drive to do things we need to catch up on like home chores, laundry, activities other than 'each other' and such.

 

Yes, he lives elsewhere... not only have I seen it, I know it from his other family members, and from his 'wife' who he is separated from.

 

Sometimes she texts him while he is with me and says things like "Are you up there spending time with her? I hope you have a good weekend up there and glad you are finally happy..." etc.

 

Yeah, do I believe him now... well... yes... I mean, what good would it do me to hold that lie in my head and think that everything he ever says again will be a lie? That would ruin the relationship if I was always thinking that. That's unhealthy... in my mind, to constantly hold onto the past (a bad memory) and try to like not enjoy life anymore and think that it must still be all lies.. I dunno that is just not me.

 

I'm very forgiving. I do not believe that 'once a liar, always a liar' is true for every man. I just don't. Nor do I believe it's true for every woman (lets be fair), for 'every person'.

 

The truth is, he was married when he met me. His wife had been threatening to leave him for many years, even told him she didn't love him and that she never did and that once their son hit 18 she was going to dump him and find a better guy (she is the one that told me that she told him this so it's not a lie). The son had just turned 18 a year previous, and he was just waiting for that day to come when she would up and take off and leave him for someone else (as she had always said she would).

He was living on his own up North, where I lived... he was loving it. He felt so good being away from her... he lived alone up here for almost a year before I met him. He wasn't even looking for any affair. He was working 6-7 days a week, trying to make a lot of money to pay off all the crazy amounts of credit cards she had ran up over the years. He always worked, didn't have time for leisure activities... and when we met he was basically just a shell of a man, a work-a-holic who hated to go home, someone unhappy, someone miserable, someone ready to just die in his chair, because life was day-in-day-out repeating and never getting any better. He didn't see he was depressed. But, I saw it. We became friends, he loved the talks, conversations, etc... was attracted to me from day #1 and thought "I wonder if this is the woman of my dreams standing before me...."

 

Yes, that might have been WRONG, very wrong for him to do... but at this point in his life, he had nothing else worth living for... seriously... a bad marriage, a life of working like a work-horse minimum of 6 day a week at 10 hour days.... life was ****. Sorry to say it but he was happy at his work... but not in his personal life....

 

so he screwed up... literally.... he saw me ... he desired me.... he wanted to see me smile... I smiled, he started to fall in love...

 

He lost his mind, because of desire and a crush on me from the very first moment we talked.

 

I guess I was just that 'whimsical' ( I don't know!~) but whatever it was... he said I put a spell on him and cupid hit him in his heart with that arrow and all he wanted was to get to know me but he was so afraid to even approach me but he did and yes, he lied... he did not want to say anything that would make me walk away and never look back.....

 

 

on the first day I met him I asked...

 

 

are you married?

do you have kids?

do you smoke?

 

I wasn't trying to ask him for a date... just trying to see what to talk about with a stranger. (Though I did mention something about smoking, and that topic came up anyhow....)

 

He thought I might reject him... so he just said "NO" to all those and tried to get to know me.

 

He never once made the first move. Not ever.

 

I did, a couple of months after we met.... I was always the one initiating the first moves, he was always too shy....

 

he was always so apologetic too. As if he just assumed he didn't live up to my standards.. (oh gee, I wonder why he had that thought in his head- could it be that she drilled him about how he never lived up to hers?)

 

anyhow...

 

yeah, I can read him ... I know when he's being truthful, and I can tell when he lies... and to be honest, this man has not lied to me in a very long time and I know, because he's even honest about things that I really have no business knowing about haha....

 

Anyhow, the lies are no longer the issue... we're fine and we are close and we are happy and I've never had a better relationship in my life... it's amazing how you can meet someone and the circumstances are super 'iffy' and bad but how it all can turn out okay.

 

We'll see though, right? I am guessing it doesn't matter what a mistress says.... we're all seen as fools. lol.

 

 

No one seems to want to ever see the wife as bad, only the cheater and his mistress who's the fool... I've been painted that way for 2 years now by this forum.... funny how all my friends and his family and friends see us differently...

Edited April 4, 2012 by HeartShineGirl

[HeartShineGirl]

This story troubles me. The guy was living a double life, with you part of the time, pretending to be single but yet had a wife that he DID NOT tell you about until you figured it out. He told you the biggest lie of all, so how can you assume that anything from his lips is true? From your recent posts, it seems he still lives in a different place from you, so I wonder, do you have proof, (not just his word) that what he is telling you now is true?

 

Don't let it trouble you... it's all in the past now, and it doesn't trouble me.. we're working on moving forward. I have my life and he has his and we have our life together too as much as we can. I'm very busy and so is he but we talk constantly, and see each other very often. We do spend about half of every month together... not just weekends only. But as much as we can - even though gas prices are killing me (since I am a full time student and work too) I really hate the gas prices! I need a car that is not a V8.

 

Also we would not be apart if I wasn't up here working and at the University and if he wasn't just about to retire soon, one of us would move to be with the other but dang it, right now is not good timing, so we make due ... and see each other as much as we can. It's pure torture but the more I miss him the more I love him too.

[HeartShineGirl]

Kinda like all your recent posts - all about her.

 

My advice is to stop posting/thinking/obsessing(?) all about her and focus on the transitional phase with him.

 

It gets my spidey-sense tingling when I read these types of posts - all about how bad the BS is. It smacks of deflection.

 

Let him handle his D it's not your issue to deal with.

Let him handle his xW, she is not an issue for you to deal with.

 

Good luck, I hope you can get the ending you want.

 

Hi. The only reason I keep talking about her is because everyone here keeps painting her as some kind of saint. Me as some kind of fool, and him as a bad person. The thing is, no matter what I say about how bad the marriage was, or try to express the way she is so people can get an image of it, it always comes back to ...

 

#1- she's the wife- she must be sweet and innocent

#2- he lied, so he is worthless.. why bother with him

#3- I'm a mistress, nothing more, and a fool.

 

It seems that my rants are 'me' trying to get others to see that 'NO' these 3 things are NOT what is the reality... but people are so stuck in their beliefs.. and "THAT" is what makes me rant...

 

It's like... how many times do I have to say this over and over again, and how many times are people going to still just not get it. Not every affair is just a married man cheating on a really good wife with a mistress.

 

Sometimes... it's a really bad marriage with a terribly lonely man and a wife who he should have divorced a long time ago or who should have divorced him a long time ago... either way......

 

I am past all that... it's just it seems every other comment is from someone pointing out once again about 'how fishy this guy seems' etc etc etc...

 

I feel like I've been through this so many times but there's always someone new who posts and assumes the same.

[HeartShineGirl]

Kinda like all your recent posts - all about her.

 

 

In response to what you just said...

 

 

Kinda like all your recent posts - all about her. <- yes I agree... they are.... since people are still saying things that make her out to be a saint just because she is the wife, and making him out to be bad because he lied, and sorry but... wife = saint and lie = bad man are not true.

 

My advice is to stop posting/thinking/obsessing(?) all about her and focus on the transitional phase with him. <- I'm way past that in real life. I am totally fine with her, and she is with me and me and him are not even having issues with her now, but I still have to try to get others to see (here) that c'mon now, this was a bad marriage and it ended because it was bad, not because he was being bad. That was something that happened, but not the cause of the marriage to end... etc..

 

It gets my spidey-sense tingling when I read these types of posts - all about how bad the BS is. It smacks of deflection.

 

I know, I agree... but if every other poster wasn't putting her up on a pedestal just because she is the wife (while granted lots of wives are wonderful and amazing to their men) this particular situation is not the case. So yeah I am so frustrated with the continued stereotype of a 'poor defenseless, sweet woman who is the wife who was so wonderful to her husband...' NOT the case.

 

Let him handle his D it's not your issue to deal with. <- meh, I don't deal with her at all now because she gave up trying to be stalking me and everything haha, she realized I'm not just like 'all the other white girls out there...' (she uses stereotypes on me, just because I'm white)

 

Let him handle his xW, she is not an issue for you to deal with. <- I am honestly very supportive of his choices and what he is doing and patient and loving and the only time I talk 'bad' about her is in here when people keep painting her so perfect. Every person is not perfect. I even bashed on myself in a post talking about my ex husband and my version of why I got divorced.... I'm not trying to bash her, it's just... grrrr... c'mon people stop assuming this wife even ever cared! Yikes that gets my goat!

Good luck, I hope you can get the ending you want.

 

My education, my happiness, my sanity, and love that lasts forever (true love) which is what I have found now.... so, yes... ... I hope so too.

[HeartShineGirl]

I really need to take a writing class either that or start caring about typos and punctuation. It seems I care about neither; I'm too emotional at times to care I guess.... goodnight.

[alexandria35]

Heartshinegirl, you sound kind of crazy. You are obsessively posting here about this guys wife..I mean you said awhile ago that she won't let anyone get a word in but honestly by reading your posts here I suspect you have your own case of verbal diarrhea. You feel like everyone here is sticking up for his wife. I'm not. She may very well be exactly as you describe but regardless of what she does or doesn't do your boyfriend is still a cheater and a liar. Relentlessly telling us how awful she is doesn't change this fact in any way or form. She could be a serial killer and your boyfriend would still be a cheater and a liar.

 

Funny how you said in one of your posts how you were going to bash yourself for awhile too but then went on to write a long post bashing your exhusband instead. Not that I expect you to bash yourself, but your posts just sound loony. I mean do you really expect his wife to be singing his praises while she is out with her husbands MISTRESS? And whats up with you being out with her anyways? Why are doing that? In a much earlier post you complained of having to listen to her on the phone for 2 hours straight. Why are you spending 2 hours on the phone with her? Why are you going out with her? I think the three of you are nuts!! I've met guys who pick one crazy woman after the other. Maybe your boyfriend falls into this category.