♥ ~ Love Sickness ~ ♥

[HeartShineGirl]

WWIU - she doesnt care that he lied to her. HeartShine I dont want to offend you but I think you are seeing this through the blinders of love. It really does matter. If honesty isnt a big deal to you, then you are with the right guy. Im not saying it cant work out. It could but your chances are a whole lot less than the people you are comparing yourself to.

 

And to answer - Who are you to judge him? He lied to you. Only you can look out for you. Every situation is different and you seem sure that you are on the right path but you have a whole lot more to unravel with someone who lied to you from day one than you do with someone who "had his reasons" for being unfaithful.

 

jj33, you're one of my favorite posters... I do totally adore how you word things to the point and to the heart.

 

For myself, truth has always been the ultimate for love. But, I have found when loving someone, that you really can love someone 'no matter what' when you realize what the lie was hiding.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is this... we're all not perfect, and most people who are christian believe in an all loving god. We all want to believe that god will love us and forgive us for everything. I'm not trying to be religious, but there is a point to this. Wouldn't that kind of love be ultimate? Wouldn't knowing someone knew every little thing about you and STILL loved you be so wonderful? When someone is truly loving, as I feel I am ready to be in my life, truly loving.... then I am also very forgiving.

 

Other posters were right, I am not a victim, but a volunteer. If you look at it from the standpoint of "poor me, the mistress... "

 

I don't see myself that way. And he dislikes the reference to mistress that I have said to him about my relationship with him because he feels it's demeaning, and not true. But, generally in society, that is definitely what I would be called, and thus I will take it that way.

 

How I feel... humm....

 

In la-la land a lot of the time, in denial, in fantasy land, in wonderland, in love and ignoring the situation.... (does that sort of fit what you all expected?) Well, you're all right. It's true. I do feel that way. But, also I feel happy. I feel loved. I feel in love. I feel hopeful, I feel dedicated. I feel in waiting.... and yes... I feel lonely too.

 

But,.. of all things I feel... I mostly feel compassion and forgiving, and accepting.

 

I can accept this, but not for forever. It will have to change soon. It must. Because it's wrong.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[HeartShineGirl]

I agree completely.

 

Why is it you continued with him once you knew the truth? And, how far in did you find out the truth? Weeks, months, a year? How emotionally attached and invested you were that you couldn't be PISSED OFF and feel jerked around, manipulated enough to tell him goodbye and realizing the guy is a LIAR and he isn't worth it? Why did you choose to continue after a whopping lie?

 

Because a lie is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we lie to be given a chance. Have you ever lied on a job application? I know a lot of people who have. Did you feel bad at taking the position that could have gone to someone who actually didn't lie on the job app? Maybe you never have, but you get my point.

 

We ALL lie. If we say we don't we're liars automatically. Everyone lies, almost daily, about something. Even people lie to themselves. Have you lied to yourself at all lately? I know dieters lie about the foods they eat, because they'll sneak into the refrigerator to sneak something naughty and lie to themselves and say "This wont hurt my diet"...etc.

 

My point is, a lie is not such a horrible thing. I've learned to look at lies, and determine what the purpose of the lie was. I was actually married to a compulsive liar for many years (the father of my children) who I divorced 12 years ago. I was well aware of many kinds of lies. Oh, and let me tell you I have lied so many times myself.

 

I've become aware of my own lies and have made it a point to stop lying, as much as possible. It's like a bad habit. People do it. Just the same way people speed down the highway, or have road rage, or do other things, like not return the extra change they were given when the cashier gave them too much back. That's all deceitful in some way or breaking some kind of law, if not just morally.

 

So, yes. He lied. He sure as hell did. He lied bigger than the biggest liar I have ever met. But, I was a perfect stranger the day he lied. I had just met him. He probably thought he'd never run into me again in his life. He probably just wanted to see if I'd be interested in him, if he was a single man, because he was surely interested in me.

 

Looking back.... he totally fooled me. But, I have forgiven him. That's no longer the issue.

 

The lie is not the issue anymore. The issue is... I fell in love when I didn't know the truth, and now I'm in a predicament.

 

My predicament: Do I walk or do I stay? And is it really so easy to make that kind of decision when two people are in love? Crazy Stupid Love. The kind that I've always dreamed of. Everything so perfect, except for the truth. Which tends to still hurt. The truth that he's still married. I suppose the issue is.... is it worth it? Really? To wait.... and will the waiting really pan out. We'll see soon enough.

[alexandria35]

Because a lie is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we lie to be given a chance. Have you ever lied on a job application? I know a lot of people who have. Did you feel bad at taking the position that could have gone to someone who actually didn't lie on the job app? Maybe you never have, but you get my point.

 

We ALL lie. If we say we don't we're liars automatically. Everyone lies, almost daily, about something. Even people lie to themselves. Have you lied to yourself at all lately? I know dieters lie about the foods they eat, because they'll sneak into the refrigerator to sneak something naughty and lie to themselves and say "This wont hurt my diet"...etc.

 

My point is, a lie is not such a horrible thing. I've learned to look at lies, and determine what the purpose of the lie was. I was actually married to a compulsive liar for many years (the father of my children) who I divorced 12 years ago. I was well aware of many kinds of lies. Oh, and let me tell you I have lied so many times myself.

 

I've become aware of my own lies and have made it a point to stop lying, as much as possible. It's like a bad habit. People do it. Just the same way people speed down the highway, or have road rage, or do other things, like not return the extra change they were given when the cashier gave them too much back. That's all deceitful in some way or breaking some kind of law, if not just morally.

 

So, yes. He lied. He sure as hell did. He lied bigger than the biggest liar I have ever met. But, I was a perfect stranger the day he lied. I had just met him. He probably thought he'd never run into me again in his life. He probably just wanted to see if I'd be interested in him, if he was a single man, because he was surely interested in me.

 

Looking back.... he totally fooled me. But, I have forgiven him. That's no longer the issue.

 

The lie is not the issue anymore. The issue is... I fell in love when I didn't know the truth, and now I'm in a predicament.

 

My predicament: Do I walk or do I stay? And is it really so easy to make that kind of decision when two people are in love? Crazy Stupid Love. The kind that I've always dreamed of. Everything so perfect, except for the truth. Which tends to still hurt. The truth that he's still married. I suppose the issue is.... is it worth it? Really? To wait.... and will the waiting really pan out. We'll see soon enough.

 

How in the world do you compare somebody cheating on their diet with someone cheating on their wife and gf? Do you seriously not see a difference between these two types of dishonesty? By reading your first post here it sounds like this guy carried on the deceit and lies for several months. So you were a complete stranger when he first lied to you but you weren't a complete stranger when he was having sex with you, then going out on your balcony to talk to his wife and then coming back to look you in the eye and say it was a work related call. That a deliberate evil lie intended for selfish purposes. Then later on in this thread you stated that his wife was happy so long as she thought you were out of the picture and he was helping her to believe that. More selfish lies.

 

You seem to think that it was perfectly understandable that he would lie to you since it served his selfish desires, as in he feared you wouldn't be interested in him if you knew so to get what he wanted he simply lied and this is perfectly acceptable to you. Of course in your above post you seem to think it's always perfectly acceptable to lie to get what you want. No we don't all lie on our job applications. I have never lied to get a job. I pride myself on being an honest truthful person and I'm not 100% perfect at it yet but I strive for this. I lied more when I was younger like in my teens and in my twenties. Into my thirties and forties I became much more authentic and accepting of myself which in turn led to me becoming a much more honest and forthright person. Since you both have adult children and you say he is ten years older than you I'm guessing him to be about 50 right? And yet lying comes so easily to him still. He even lied about the smoking. I'm sorry but a guy his age probably isn't going to change much. He is a liar and a cheater and his reasons for lying are immature and sefish.

 

You have mentioned a few times how his wife is disrespectful of him when she talks to you. I wouldn't read much into that if I were you as it's a what came first, the chicken or the egg, kind of scenario. She may be disrespectful of him but then again he is an immature selfish cheating liar so maybe she has her reasons eh? Who knows what kind of crap she has put up with from him over the years.

 

I was actually very surprised when you mentioned you have grown children as your posting style reads as if you are very young and naive. His keys jingle and your keys jingle too! Oh it must mean we're soulmates. Well it sounds like this prize of a man will be all yours soon so good luck to ya! I have a feeling your going to learn some unpleasant things about him once you have him full time.

[HeartShineGirl]

How in the world do you compare somebody cheating on their diet with someone cheating on their wife and gf? Do you seriously not see a difference between these two types of dishonesty? By reading your first post here it sounds like this guy carried on the deceit and lies for several months. So you were a complete stranger when he first lied to you but you weren't a complete stranger when he was having sex with you, then going out on your balcony to talk to his wife and then coming back to look you in the eye and say it was a work related call. That a deliberate evil lie intended for selfish purposes. Then later on in this thread you stated that his wife was happy so long as she thought you were out of the picture and he was helping her to believe that. More selfish lies.

 

You seem to think that it was perfectly understandable that he would lie to you since it served his selfish desires, as in he feared you wouldn't be interested in him if you knew so to get what he wanted he simply lied and this is perfectly acceptable to you. Of course in your above post you seem to think it's always perfectly acceptable to lie to get what you want. No we don't all lie on our job applications. I have never lied to get a job. I pride myself on being an honest truthful person and I'm not 100% perfect at it yet but I strive for this. I lied more when I was younger like in my teens and in my twenties. Into my thirties and forties I became much more authentic and accepting of myself which in turn led to me becoming a much more honest and forthright person. Since you both have adult children and you say he is ten years older than you I'm guessing him to be about 50 right? And yet lying comes so easily to him still. He even lied about the smoking. I'm sorry but a guy his age probably isn't going to change much. He is a liar and a cheater and his reasons for lying are immature and selfish.

 

You have mentioned a few times how his wife is disrespectful of him when she talks to you. I wouldn't read much into that if I were you as it's a what came first, the chicken or the egg, kind of scenario. She may be disrespectful of him but then again he is an immature selfish cheating liar so maybe she has her reasons eh? Who knows what kind of crap she has put up with from him over the years.

 

I was actually very surprised when you mentioned you have grown children as your posting style reads as if you are very young and naive. His keys jingle and your keys jingle too! Oh it must mean we're soulmates. Well it sounds like this prize of a man will be all yours soon so good luck to ya! I have a feeling your going to learn some unpleasant things about him once you have him full time.

 

Hi Alexandria,

Almost every person who responds to me here has the same agenda. They all want me to realize he lied. But, I keep saying that I already know that. It's way beyond that now. This February will be 2 years that I have known him, and I can say that I am well aware of the lie that caused all of this to begin. Also, everyone is correct that it's continued of my own free will. I admit that too.

I once again had the pleasure or not so pleasure of listening to his wife for 2 hours go on and on yesterday. Basically, this marriage is over with, between him and her, and has been for many years, but for convenience he stayed, and for the sake of 'taking care of his family'. She told me so many things that I totally understand the marriage situation better than I should. From what she tells me, she's admittedly more at fault for the marriage falling apart than he is. She spent many years pushing him away. It's no ones business all of that, and I don't plan to sit here and bash her and all the things she's told me. And, when she tells me how 'not wonderful' I am and how 'not wonderful' he is, and how 'wonderful' she is, I just agree, listen, sigh and take it. I don't even want to argue with her, and I don't ever try.

Yes, he lied, I know it better than anyone. Yes, he was selfish. You know, I asked him yesterday why he cried the first time he told me that he loved me (this was 4 months after we met and we were just friends, this is when I still didn't know he was married) and he told me he cried because he had never felt this feeling for anyone in his life, and he was afraid to lose me.

 

Some people get married, and stay married and are miserable and very unhappy their whole lives, but they are responsible people who realize they made a mistake getting married, but they don't up and abandon their responsibilities, they stick around and year after year work and try to support their families as best as they can, dealing with the realization that they made a huge mistake, that the person they married wasn't who they thought... that the love they had as young lovers faded fast and what was left was reality, and disappointment, and unhappiness.

 

I understand that.

 

He lied to me, to get to know me more because he was interested in me, for the first time in many years, feeling something he had not felt since he was young.

 

I can't hate him for that!? I can't judge him for that?! Can I? I'm not in his shoes, I don't know what he's been through in life. It wasn't my place to judge him and say "Well you lied, so screw you, I'm out of here!"

 

Where is the understanding in that? I'm much more forgiving I guess. So much more understanding.

 

You're right about the things I mentioned sounding childish, (keys jingle) but for me, I look for signs in everything. I'm spiritual and linked that way and always for me there are signs. I had more than just keys jingling that told me he was the one for me, it was so much more than that. Everything from both of us having strange Deja Vu, to both of us realizing we had met many years earlier, and looked in each others eyes, and then met up later. The fact that we would run into each other randomly in a city where I still don't run into high school classmates. The fact that I had many dreams of him before I met him, and he did the same with me. Yes, so it sounds childish, and yes, I sound childish. If you were to meet me you would also think that I look and act very much like a child. I have a very youthful spirit, I have been naive almost my entire life, and I am non-judgmental. But, I don't know if that's childish, or if that's me growing up and growing beyond all the judgment most "adults" seem to be clouded up with.

 

All I'm trying to say is that I am okay with that first lie. He's more than made up for it in so many ways.

 

I understand why he lives with her right now, and I understand how they live together as room-mates. Because it's more affordable. But now she drives him crazy to the point of he can't really take it anymore. The constant berating, nagging and demeaning way she talks to him. Rubbing in his face how she's never loved him, how he's never satisfied her in bed, how she could have all these other guys. How I can have him because she doesn't want him. The funny thing is, all she seems to care about is money because that's all she talks about to me, and she has never, not even one time acted as if I was taking a man from her that she loved. No, it's always been that I was taking MONEY from her, by him falling in love with me.

 

Funny, I think that's all she's ever cared about. No wonder he cheated.

 

And, I may only have known him 2 years but from what she's told me and what he's told me and what I've experienced, I know him in a deeper way than she does, because of the fact that he is in love with me and is not afraid of telling me things, and is honest with me now all of the time about things that he's never told her. I've got a part of this man she's never had, and I know it's because she's never reached in and cared enough about him to care to know him the way I do.

 

He's moving out next month, and filing for divorce. And, since a lot of marriages end in divorce, and a lot of them are due to affairs, I guess it's pretty common place for people to marry too young and not know what they're getting into until it's too late.

 

I know I did the same thing in my marriage. But my ex husband cheated on me with both women and men.

 

I think the best thing in life and love is finding that 'right match' and it's hard to find when you're young... and now that I've found it, and he's found it, I don't care that he lied or was married... I've stopped caring about that. He's proven he loves me and I will post more info when he moves out. Since everyone keeps trying to convince me that will never happen, and that a mistress always stays just a mistress.

 

I was never 'just a mistress' I was who he waited all his life to meet, and I guess it just so happened, that he recognized that and lied to me to try to keep me.... it worked.

 

It was a gamble he took. And, I really don't regret it now. He's wonderful to me in all ways.

Edited January 19, 2012 by HeartShineGirl

[alexandria35]

You spent 2 hours listening to his wife yesterday? Spare me. Nobody spends two hours talking to someone or even listening to someone talk if they don't want to. If you're listening to her drone on for two hours it's because you want to. You're getting something out of that. Maybe it's to glean more information about her marriage so you know better how to compete, maybe it's because you enjoy hearing the unhappiness going on in her marriage, maybe it's because you really think you are better than her and so it's an ego boost to you to hear her say things that seem to validate that you are better. If you are listening to her it's because you want to hear every word she has to say.

 

The fact that he lives with her and than carries on his affair right under her nose is rather sadistic of him. She is sick too for putting up with it. I personally couldn't take that and I would have kicked him out a long time ago but he is every bit as sick as her if not more so. He loves you but he stays with his wife because it's the cheaper option? Gross! Oh but now he's going to leave because his wife is making it hard on him. Guess a good little wife would just keep her mouth shut and let her husband have his affair without giving him a hard time. I feel so bad that your MM has had to put up with so much bitching when all the poor guy wants is a cheap place to stay AND his mistress. How dare that bitch wife make things inconvienent for him.

 

And what is it with the sad tales of "oh but he was so unhappy and miserable and she was so mean to him"? Who cares? Why didn't he do something about it then? Look I have a close relative who has a real nightmare of a wife. I feel for him and I worry for him because I can see how unhappy he is and she really doesn't give a **** about anyone's feelings but her own. It isn't just him that suffers her wrath, she is has gone ape **** on everyone in my family and in her own family too. He loves her so my greatest hope is that somehow they will be able to find happiness together. If that doesn't happen and at some point they have to divorce than I will support him in that as well. But if he decides he going to mess around in an affair and bring that kind of hell into the life of his wife and kids then he's on his own, especially if once discovered he continued the affair and the marriage, stating that he's staying at home out of convience. Bleech!

 

Yep, once again I wish you luck. Your getting yourself a real piece of work there.

[HeartShineGirl]

You spent 2 hours listening to his wife yesterday? Spare me. Nobody spends two hours talking to someone or even listening to someone talk if they don't want to. If you're listening to her drone on for two hours it's because you want to. You're getting something out of that. Maybe it's to glean more information about her marriage so you know better how to compete, maybe it's because you enjoy hearing the unhappiness going on in her marriage, maybe it's because you really think you are better than her and so it's an ego boost to you to hear her say things that seem to validate that you are better. If you are listening to her it's because you want to hear every word she has to say.

 

The fact that he lives with her and than carries on his affair right under her nose is rather sadistic of him. She is sick too for putting up with it. I personally couldn't take that and I would have kicked him out a long time ago but he is every bit as sick as her if not more so. He loves you but he stays with his wife because it's the cheaper option? Gross! Oh but now he's going to leave because his wife is making it hard on him. Guess a good little wife would just keep her mouth shut and let her husband have his affair without giving him a hard time. I feel so bad that your MM has had to put up with so much bitching when all the poor guy wants is a cheap place to stay AND his mistress. How dare that bitch wife make things inconvienent for him.

 

And what is it with the sad tales of "oh but he was so unhappy and miserable and she was so mean to him"? Who cares? Why didn't he do something about it then? Look I have a close relative who has a real nightmare of a wife. I feel for him and I worry for him because I can see how unhappy he is and she really doesn't give a **** about anyone's feelings but her own. It isn't just him that suffers her wrath, she is has gone ape **** on everyone in my family and in her own family too. He loves her so my greatest hope is that somehow they will be able to find happiness together. If that doesn't happen and at some point they have to divorce than I will support him in that as well. But if he decides he going to mess around in an affair and bring that kind of hell into the life of his wife and kids then he's on his own, especially if once discovered he continued the affair and the marriage, stating that he's staying at home out of convience. Bleech!

 

Yep, once again I wish you luck. Your getting yourself a real piece of work there.

 

I totally get what you're saying, don't get me wrong I do. But, there's a lot more to this. One of the things I failed to mention is that she didn't want him to move out, because she couldn't afford to live on her own. He had to wait for her to get a job, she finally did get one. She is still trying to convince him to stay there as a room mate because she likes the house and doesn't want to have to sell it. He's been staying there because financially it's beneficial to all of them, not just himself. She knows he's planning to move out next month, and she's the one who keeps trying to tell him things like "it's going to be hard on you, just stay here as a room mate..." etc.

He's been trying that but he can't take it anymore. He's given her enough warning for months. It's been a year, and she's still not wanting to have him move out because she doesn't want to sell the house, which they're going to have to do, because she wants it, and to keep everything too, and to pay 1/2 his retirement to her, and alimony, and even then she still wont be able to afford it. So, when I said for financial reasons, I didn't mean just him. I meant all involved.

 

She's always been just as she is to him. She hasn't suddenly become worse to him, because of me. She's really not horrible to me. She just talks way too much sometimes and never lets anyone else get a word in edgewise and she always goes on and on about herself. It's very hard to talk to her. The reason I was talking to her was because she keeps stalking me, and I'm trying to get her to stop it. It's not necessary. I keep telling her to stop because she seems obsessed with everything to do with me, I guess it's because I'm "the other woman" and I'd probably do the same but not to go to my work place or my schools to find me, not to stalk me through every available means, and to go to my school and question every person she can about me and who I am etc. It's bad enough, I just want her to stop. She's known about me for 2 years, she's called and 3rd degree my kids about everything, she's trying to call my work on me I guess now, and my schools. I mean, I tried so much to explain to her that she doesn't have to do those things. I'm not out to get her in any way. She keeps having dreams that me and her husband are going to kill her and I tried to calm her down and so has he, we're not trying to do anything to her. It's just drama, and yes, I could have hung up on her, but I know this lady would just turn around and take it out on him or someone else, and I was trying really to just say look, this is how it is, this is who I am, I'm not trying to hurt you, no I'm not trying to do that. She said to me she doesn't want him, never wanted him, never loved him, could care less, but that "LEGALLY" he owes her. Meaning Financially to take care of her... because she's his "LEGAL" meaning in her words "I OWN YOU" wife.

She asked me to pick up some special soaps for her yesterday because they don't sell them in the town she's in, and wants me to get them for her...

I guess.... I'm not only with him, but also with her in a way, since she's going to keep in touch of course with him and all that,... but she's trying to be my best friend, and wants me to not get in the way of her getting all the money she can get and I'm not even trying to get in the way of any of that. She wants to know what I look like naked, you know, how many lovers I had, I keep trying to tell her, that I am no way better than her, I'm just a woman like she is... you know.. but she's trying to get to the bottom of why he likes me more than her, and she is very beautiful.

The reason, of course is that we fell in love plain and simple.

I'm seriously trying my best to deal with what I've gotten myself into.

I know to anyone who doesn't know the situation, all kinds of yuckie assumptions about him can be formed. I can't even begin to explain it all, and really... I appreciate all the comments, I honestly do. You all let me see it from points of view that I don't have. For that I am very happy.

Thank you.

[HeartShineGirl]

heartshinegirl,

i mean no disrespect, but a lot of what you are saying makes no sense.

yes, i know you know he lied, but your explanation of why he lied makes no sense.You say once that he lied and said he wasn't married because he never thought he'd see you again and wanted to see if you'd go for him if he were single

 

Yes, originally when I met him in February at a laundromat where we were both doing laundry and struck up a conversation, he didn't want to tell me a lot about him, that's when I asked if he was married, had kids or smoked... I didn't ask it exactly like that, but just was telling him about my kids and stopped and said "Do you have kids? Or, married?" and he said no. Then later I mentioned something about smoking and I said "You don't smoke do you?" and again he said no. As I said I think he was thinking I'd judge him, and not want to talk to him. I was the first "White" girl that really ever spoke to him at any length. He's Pacific Islander, he always had a thought that most white girls were very stuck up I guess. He's from Guam.

 

then you say he lied because he was falling in love with you and didn't want to frighten you off

 

He began to fall in love with me, or rather become infatuated with the idea of being with me when we first started talking. We talked about an hour or so before I asked about kids and marriage. I think he really thought I was sexy/pretty or whatever and I think he was actually really falling for me, because I smile a lot and all that. I guess he really liked that, and he was a bit afraid to have me just leave the laundromat never to be seen again.

( not your words, but my interpretation, and maybe I am wrong...if so,i apologize).

 

i'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like you know he is dishonest, yet you make excuses for him to make it okay, as you think he was lying for a good reason (love) You really do seem to feel that the ends can almost always justify the means...but do you really, way deep down, believe this? You seem to value honesty in yourself, but don't seem to place very much of a premium on his being honest... do you really want that for yourself?

 

 

 

you know he will lie to get what he wants...do you really want that type of person in your life? accepting someone's lies because "they did it for a good reason" is not love....if the two of you do get together permanently, as her lies to another woman about his being with you because he wants to see if she's be interested in him if he were single...is this okay too? after all, you seem to feel his lying is okay, as long as it's for a good reason

 

 

also, if you don't want to talk to his wife, then don't...don't answer her calls, don't communicate with her at all...after all, what more is there really left to say between the two of you?

 

see above comments.... at work... more later.

[HeartShineGirl]

oh my,

i read the rest of your posts, and i have to say the whole situation is messed up, but it also seems that, in spite of you saying otherwise, your actions and choices show that, on some level, you like it that way.

 

It is not "stalking" someone when you choose to talk to them on a frequent basis, often for a considerable length of time.It's not your responsibility to , as you feel, talk to her so she won't take it out on him. he's a big boy, let him deal with her...but you make the choice to excuse his behavior, to accept his lies because his explanations are flattering to you ( i only lied because you are so great and i love you)...and you know what he's doing, yet you choose to remain with him...you choose to talk to his wife and let her think the two of you are friends so things will be easier on him...

 

no offence, but either you have no backbone or you are getting something out of this ( and i don't mean "love")

 

BTW...if he did "love' you, he wouldn't allow his "convenience wife" to walk all over you and torment and "stalk"you...he'd stand up to her and tell her to smarten up and treat the woman he "loves" with respect...is he doing that?

 

( i know i sound harsh, but come on, how can you not see this? even i see it, and i am just about the most gullible person in the world)

 

Oh, actually what you are mentioned is posts from last May. She knows everything now, and he doesn't hide it from her. She knows he comes and spends the night, they live as roommates only.

[HeartShineGirl]

 

 

 

BTW...if he did "love' you, he wouldn't allow his "convenience wife" to walk all over you and torment and "stalk"you...he'd stand up to her and tell her to smarten up and treat the woman he "loves" with respect...is he doing that?

 

Yes he does.... oh yes he does.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi Alexandria,

Almost every person who responds to me here has the same agenda. They all want me to realize he lied. But, I keep saying that I already know that. It's way beyond that now. This February will be 2 years that I have known him, and I can say that I am well aware of the lie that caused all of this to begin. Also, everyone is correct that it's continued of my own free will. I admit that too.

I once again had the pleasure or not so pleasure of listening to his wife for 2 hours go on and on yesterday. Basically, this marriage is over with, between him and her, and has been for many years, but for convenience he stayed, and for the sake of 'taking care of his family'. She told me so many things that I totally understand the marriage situation better than I should. From what she tells me, she's admittedly more at fault for the marriage falling apart than he is. She spent many years pushing him away. It's no ones business all of that, and I don't plan to sit here and bash her and all the things she's told me. And, when she tells me how 'not wonderful' I am and how 'not wonderful' he is, and how 'wonderful' she is, I just agree, listen, sigh and take it. I don't even want to argue with her, and I don't ever try.

Yes, he lied, I know it better than anyone. Yes, he was selfish. You know, I asked him yesterday why he cried the first time he told me that he loved me (this was 4 months after we met and we were just friends, this is when I still didn't know he was married) and he told me he cried because he had never felt this feeling for anyone in his life, and he was afraid to lose me.

 

Some people get married, and stay married and are miserable and very unhappy their whole lives, but they are responsible people who realize they made a mistake getting married, but they don't up and abandon their responsibilities, they stick around and year after year work and try to support their families as best as they can, dealing with the realization that they made a huge mistake, that the person they married wasn't who they thought... that the love they had as young lovers faded fast and what was left was reality, and disappointment, and unhappiness.

 

I understand that.

 

He lied to me, to get to know me more because he was interested in me, for the first time in many years, feeling something he had not felt since he was young.

 

I can't hate him for that!? I can't judge him for that?! Can I? I'm not in his shoes, I don't know what he's been through in life. It wasn't my place to judge him and say "Well you lied, so screw you, I'm out of here!"

 

Where is the understanding in that? I'm much more forgiving I guess. So much more understanding.

 

You're right about the things I mentioned sounding childish, (keys jingle) but for me, I look for signs in everything. I'm spiritual and linked that way and always for me there are signs. I had more than just keys jingling that told me he was the one for me, it was so much more than that. Everything from both of us having strange Deja Vu, to both of us realizing we had met many years earlier, and looked in each others eyes, and then met up later. The fact that we would run into each other randomly in a city where I still don't run into high school classmates. The fact that I had many dreams of him before I met him, and he did the same with me. Yes, so it sounds childish, and yes, I sound childish. If you were to meet me you would also think that I look and act very much like a child. I have a very youthful spirit, I have been naive almost my entire life, and I am non-judgmental. But, I don't know if that's childish, or if that's me growing up and growing beyond all the judgment most "adults" seem to be clouded up with.

 

All I'm trying to say is that I am okay with that first lie. He's more than made up for it in so many ways.

 

I understand why he lives with her right now, and I understand how they live together as room-mates. Because it's more affordable. But now she drives him crazy to the point of he can't really take it anymore. The constant berating, nagging and demeaning way she talks to him. Rubbing in his face how she's never loved him, how he's never satisfied her in bed, how she could have all these other guys. How I can have him because she doesn't want him. The funny thing is, all she seems to care about is money because that's all she talks about to me, and she has never, not even one time acted as if I was taking a man from her that she loved. No, it's always been that I was taking MONEY from her, by him falling in love with me.

 

Funny, I think that's all she's ever cared about. No wonder he cheated.

 

And, I may only have known him 2 years but from what she's told me and what he's told me and what I've experienced, I know him in a deeper way than she does, because of the fact that he is in love with me and is not afraid of telling me things, and is honest with me now all of the time about things that he's never told her. I've got a part of this man she's never had, and I know it's because she's never reached in and cared enough about him to care to know him the way I do.

 

He's moving out next month, and filing for divorce. And, since a lot of marriages end in divorce, and a lot of them are due to affairs, I guess it's pretty common place for people to marry too young and not know what they're getting into until it's too late.

 

I know I did the same thing in my marriage. But my ex husband cheated on me with both women and men.

 

I think the best thing in life and love is finding that 'right match' and it's hard to find when you're young... and now that I've found it, and he's found it, I don't care that he lied or was married... I've stopped caring about that. He's proven he loves me and I will post more info when he moves out. Since everyone keeps trying to convince me that will never happen, and that a mistress always stays just a mistress.

 

I was never 'just a mistress' I was who he waited all his life to meet, and I guess it just so happened, that he recognized that and lied to me to try to keep me.... it worked.

 

It was a gamble he took. And, I really don't regret it now. He's wonderful to me in all ways.

 

No wonder huh?

[2sunny]

He's shown evidence of a HUGE character flaw- yet you justify his bad behavior here for pages...

 

Stop making excuses for his lying.

 

In ten years - when he's married to you and he lies to a pretty young thing to get her to be his OW - are you going to defend him then? Be ready - because his character flaw WILL continue on throughout your M - and that is one big flaw to live with!

 

Stop conversing with his wife. That's creepy... I hope you told her HELL NO - when she asked you to pick up her favorite soap. That's asking permission to treat you like her doormat- just as he's been doing for two years!

 

They deserve each other! They both just found the right gal to be their doormat. Since you don't think enough of yourself - they will use you for anything they want to ask of you.

 

I hope you said NO! Did you?

 

Get rid of both these scumbags! You deserve better! Love or not - he's not even close to being decent!

[HeartShineGirl]

No wonder huh?

 

Yes, because she treated him like an ATM machine.

[HeartShineGirl]

He's shown evidence of a HUGE character flaw- yet you justify his bad behavior here for pages...

 

Stop making excuses for his lying.

 

In ten years - when he's married to you and he lies to a pretty young thing to get her to be his OW - are you going to defend him then? Be ready - because his character flaw WILL continue on throughout your M - and that is one big flaw to live with!

 

Stop conversing with his wife. That's creepy... I hope you told her HELL NO - when she asked you to pick up her favorite soap. That's asking permission to treat you like her doormat- just as he's been doing for two years!

 

They deserve each other! They both just found the right gal to be their doormat. Since you don't think enough of yourself - they will use you for anything they want to ask of you.

 

I hope you said NO! Did you?

 

Get rid of both these scumbags! You deserve better! Love or not - he's not even close to being decent!

 

He's never treated me like a doormat.

Just so you know.... and I did defend him here for pages because I was trying to get across to people the situation. I came here originally for advice, what I got instead was a lot of people bashing him. His situation was not unique I am sure a lot of married people find themselves stuck in situations that they wished they never got into. I don't judge him, I wasn't wanting others to do that. Hope you understand.

 

Anyways.... many people told me he'd never leave her, and he's just using me. However that is not the case.

 

He moved out, he no longer lives in the same house with her. He's filing for divorce, and they are working on selling the house.

 

This is all something that should have been done BEFORE he met me, but as we all know (or should know) sometimes when we're content in a situation we stay, even if we're not completely happy. I see this all the time in relationships and even people who keep jobs they don't even like... because they NEED the money.

[HeartShineGirl]

That about says it all,doesn't it? I mean really.

What part of this doesn't scream

that you are being strung along?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like just another love addiction/betrayal bond to me.

 

Do you happen to notice that there is an unhealthy pattern

in all your love relationships?

 

I do.

 

 

♥ ♥ Love addiction and relationship addiction

Love addiction is about unhealthy dependency and about poor self esteem. It is about a fear of abandonment and about an impaired sense of identify. It is about holding on to a relationship at all costs. It is not about loving too much. We are able to depend on another too much, we are able to cling to another too much, we are able to give another women too much responsibility for our life and happiness. We cannot love too much; genuine love is never bad and can never harm us.

 

So what is a love or relationship addiction and who is a love addict? A love addict is a woman who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e. relationship) for a healthy, life giving relationship with another person. An addict is a person who puts this unhealthy relationship at center of her life. This relationship with a mood altering process is an addiction. My own rule of thumb is that a person is addicted to a relationship if being in that relationship had clear negative effects on her life and she continues in the relationship regardless of the effects.

 

Typical Kinds of Love Addicts

Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs) cannot let go, even if their partners are:

Unavailable emotionally or sexually; afraid to commit; cannot communicate;unloving;distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; ego-centric; selfish; or addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

 

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torch bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions.

It is also known as unrequited love.

 

 

 

 

 

Talk is CHEAP!!!!!!!!!

If he meant what he said,he would BE with you and

not contining to go home to his wife.

Please realize this before you waste the best

years of your life on this man.

 

 

 

 

And those are just the lies you uncovered.

 

If the fantasy is enough for you,continue to pine over this man and accomodate him,if you want a real life with a real man....end this on your own terms so you don't lose yourself fully and find years have passed and he is STILL with his wife.

 

I think I read you have kids.....a daughter maybe?

What advice would you give her about loving a MM?

 

BTW...my hometown is the Pacific Palisades.

 

There are plenty of available men in the world

why fall for a man who lied to you from day one?

 

 

He finally left her... it took a couple of years... but he did it. I just thought you'd like to know... since when I originally started this, he was still living with his wife, sharing a house, etc....

He moved out last month. He's filing for divorce, they're selling the house.... a lot has happened, a lot has changed.

 

I was so scared and worried when I first came here after reading all these posts of people telling me "You're just a mistress! He'll never leave his wife for you!" and I used to ask him if that is all I was to him and he used to get so upset to hear that word "Mistress" he thought of it as a put-down to me and he would hold me and tell me no, and tell me he loved me so very much. But, for many months, because of the posts here warning me I began to believe what people here told me that he would never leave, that he was just using me and for those months I would kind-of break down and be on his case, and accuse him of all the things people here told me that he'd do, or that people here said.

 

He used to tell me to stop listening to people here in these forums... that HE was going to leave her, and that he just needed me to understand the situation (financial/obligations/job/etc) that he was facing.

 

I decided to do so, I stopped coming here for a year and during that whole time he always was there for me showing love and care and reassuring me over and over again his heart was mine... that he lived as room mates with her, etc.

 

Now, he has moved out. I go down there and stay with him sometimes, and he comes up here and stays with me. If I wasn't in college up here, I'd be there already.... but I'm working here and school, and he's working there... but we are talking about the future of moving down there to be together. So,... despite all the warnings I received here, of how I was nothing more than a mistress, and that married men never leave their wives for a mistress, it just so happens... that was not the case for me.

[HeartShineGirl]

Hi Heartshine!

I know how you feel!! Every single time my love leaves to go home, my heart aches!! I just know that we will see each other soon. It's hard, I know!!

 

Don't let people here get on your case, ok? When you love someone a lot, you forgive them for screwups!! He lied because he didn't want to lose you!! I think that is forgivable, sheesh! There are worse things a man can do.

 

Thank you Daisy!

Your words were so kind. By the way ... he did leave his wife and move out and is now filing for divorce. I go down to stay with him part of the week, and he comes up here to stay with me on his days off. It's not been easy but it was worth it for me to have faith in him, and to trust him, even when everyone here warned me not to.

[HeartShineGirl]

if he loved you as much as you say he does - he would find a way to be with you.

 

i hope you don't wait forever... in fact i hope you don't wait even a week longer.

 

make a decision and stick with it... a decision that looks out for YOUR best interest!

 

no one else will except you!

 

He left her... he moved out. They're getting a divorce. They're selling the house. I no longer have to worry that I'm only a "mistress".

[HeartShineGirl]

Great! Books helped me a lot. "Desire" by Susan Cheever is another good one ... Please consider listening to Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts. Not about affairs, but relationships with unhealthy men.

 

 

 

I do understand. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about you.

 

You have one eye open and one eye shut.

 

I look forward to the day you have both eyes open, and I hope it's soon. I don't see anything good coming out of this for you, especially if you continue to invest emotional energy in this guy. The damage can end up being serious, and I think that's why people are giving you tough love here.

 

 

 

Understood.

 

Years ago -- back in the good ol' days when I thought I was immune to the affair temptation -- I heard a tape by a famous public speaker. She told her audience that she's learned she can talk until she's blue in the face but ultimately cannot stop a woman from having The Affair with the Married Man Experience anymore than anyone could have stopped her at one time. Inevitably most women would go through with it anyway. Later, most would come back to her and say: "Now I know." They only understood what she was trying to tell them after they had the experience, and then it became a shared understanding.

 

Affairs can be very isolating experiences, so I hope you continue to come here.

 

He finally left her and moved out. They're getting a divorce and selling the house, and finally ending the marriage that they both agree should have ended long ago. I wonder why people stay married when they're no longer in love and no longer happy together? Is it to torment each other? Ugh! But, he is wonderful to me. She saw how he treats me and asked him "Why did you never talk to me like that? Why do you never treat me like that?" and his reply was "Because, being with her is more pleasing than being with you.... " I wonder if that was mean? Hmm, well she's always mean to him so .... at least I no longer have to worry. You know, that I'm ONLY a mistress.

[HeartShineGirl]

Mine was a broken man. I put up with alot for over a year. I love him and he loves me and he is divorcing and so am I and we will be together. Making a very long story short. I am alive with him and vice versa. Sometimes they are done with thier wives. IF he is ready to file for a divorce now or lose you then go for it.

I love my baby and I couldn't be happier.

 

Hi Irish,

He did finally move out. He was done with her for many years. She never loved him though. She just used him to get her USA citizenship and used him for money all these years. I'm so happy he found love! I'm so happy it's with me! He's wonderful!

[HeartShineGirl]

How much older is he than you? 15+ years?

 

Why should he leave?

Why are YOU talking to his wife?

Why hasn't he left?

Why do you tolerate being treated like his weekday lover?

 

Let's not do the whole "I have low self esteem and he makes me feel wonderful". His WIFE probably says the same thing.

 

He is going to stay with his wife and you are going to stay being his mistress. You are going to sit and wait and wait and wait ..... and wait.

 

IF he loved you, he would want to be with you. There is no reason for him to NOT leave. He supposedly told his wife he wants to be with you. Yet he stays. Why? When his wife found out, it was the perfect time for him to leave. And he didn't.

 

I think you like the gifts he gives you; he probably helps you financially and he can play daddy to your kids during the week.

 

Do your kids know he is married and has his OWN child?

 

This is such a mess and you are allowing him to use you.

 

You have 2 choices - accept you are only the mistress.

Tell him to hit the road and you won't be his Monday through Friday at 5 pm lover.

 

You lived before him, you will survive after him.

 

He left her. He's living on his own. They're selling the house and getting a divorce. If I was only a mistress, he never would have left her, but as he told me thousands of times already... he was in love with me, and still is. His being married was a mistake he made when he was a younger man and yes now he has to pay for it financially. I hope that people realize that sometimes there are men (and women) out there that are not happy in their marriages but stay put in the marriage because they feel an obligation, and nothing more... and when they are so lonely and tired and broken and feeling that they'll never feel happy again, sometimes love strikes them and makes them happy and want to live again... those people who this happens to, in my opinion are going to do whatever they can to have that feeling again.... even lie, no matter how wrong it is, I at least understand why they do it... and when they get the courage and strength to face their fears of 'a new life' they will move forward and leave the past behind.... not all, but many I am sure... will venture into divorce and all it's costs (alimony, etc). It's sad to me to think so many people are married and really just content, not even very happy. Why do people stay? And, why do people stay in jobs they don't love too? They need the money I know, but why don't they look for better jobs that they will enjoy? I see this in everything... why do people stay "put" in unhappy situations?

I waited for him, but the whole time I was happy.... and now I'm very happy to finally be able to be with him and share my life with him fully.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, because she treated him like an ATM machine.

 

 

I am sure she did......*yawn*

[bentnotbroken]

He finally left her and moved out. They're getting a divorce and selling the house, and finally ending the marriage that they both agree should have ended long ago. I wonder why people stay married when they're no longer in love and no longer happy together? Is it to torment each other? Ugh! But, he is wonderful to me. She saw how he treats me and asked him "Why did you never talk to me like that? Why do you never treat me like that?" and his reply was "Because, being with her is more pleasing than being with you.... " I wonder if that was mean? Hmm, well she's always mean to him so .... at least I no longer have to worry. You know, that I'm ONLY a mistress.

Yes, you are. Glad you are clear on that.

[NoIDidn't]

Good grief, HeartShine*Girl*, are you going to answer every single post that disagreed with you or didn't tell you what you wanted to hear?

 

So childish.

 

Good luck with your separated man. They are even worst than the married ones. This is a different kind of limbo. I hope you're ready.

 

But if you're handling this situation as maturely as you handled announcing his leaving to the forum, I think you're going to have a hard time.

[alexandria35]

Good grief, HeartShine*Girl*, are you going to answer every single post that disagreed with you or didn't tell you what you wanted to hear?

 

So childish.

 

Good luck with your separated man. They are even worst than the married ones. This is a different kind of limbo. I hope you're ready.

 

But if you're handling this situation as maturely as you handled announcing his leaving to the forum, I think you're going to have a hard time.

 

LOL...Heartshine you could have just written a single update and everyone would have seen it. You don't need to announce that your MM left to each individual poster.

 

Good luck to ya! I'm glad he left his wife because I think she can do better than him. Hope you enjoy your life with a liar and a cheater.

[Lemon Drop]

Dear Heart Shine Girl,

 

Your Pacific Islander man is delightful, I'll bet.

 

While I never had a love relationship with one, I known quite a few from their community where I live. They are delightful and charming, but there is a way about them, from their island culture, which may not make them the best of husbands. If you are not expecting much from your newly freed lover, you will be fine. If you have expectations of him in ways that will not make him happy... such as finishing what he starts, showing up on time for important events, having boundaries with addictions and having any money.. you will be disappointed the way his wife is. Did you ever wonder if anything she has to say may be important?

 

Once, a woman tried to warn me about her ex. Since he was my ex before he was hers, I already knew him longer than she did. But I value all information that may be helpful to me to make decisions which can mean happiness or unhappiness... in other words, I listen. She told me "you seem like a nice person. I don't know what you would want with him. He's not honest and he will make your life miserable". I told her that I had known him since he was 14 and I believed in him (not like her, the rotton wife) and I appreciated her input. In my mind I was thinking that his problem was he was not with someone who loved and appreciated him. He was with someone who only cared about his money and didn't want him to be happy. I felt that maybe if he weren't with someone like that, he would shine.

 

Fast forward..... after 10 years of marriage and one child we divorced because he cheated and lied and didn't want to work. He wanted the finer things, but wanted me to provide them. He acted loving and warm and nurturing in the beginning and during the times when I was about to throw him out. He was always looking for the bigger, better deal. He was an alcoholic. We went to counseling and he promised to quit. He began to hide liquor and drink it on the sly. He started to hate me because I expected him to earn a living and not be drunk. After being divorced for 9 years, I have now taken him to court 3 times for contempt for not paying child support ($200 a month). He has been a nightmare, and I knew him growing up, but I believed in him. You cannot turn a turd into a brownie. He is a turd.

 

Now, the next funny thing is that when he was going to marry another woman, I tried to do her the favor of my experience. Over the phone I told her that there were things I wish I had known and that I thought she would want to know. She got very angry and told me she knew everything about him she needed to and didn't need ME to tell her ANYTHING. That he had already told her all about ME and how horrible I am. I said, OK, good luck. They were married for about 4 years, now divorced. Same reasons, alcohol, cheating, etc.

 

Love is not the same as happiness. This is not a child who needs you to love and nurture him, this is a man, a partner. Just be careful because you should never give more than you get back. I am here right now learning this lesson too (again). Take your time, listen to his wife, listen to him, use your instincts. Be smart.

[2sunny]

Did you ever wonder why his wife really didn't feel sad to let go of him?

 

You also state on many posts that she used him as an ATM machine. So what? HE had NO boundary - no back bone to tell her to stop!

 

So he was ALLOWING it!

 

That is HIS fault not hers!

 

Post again - when the D is final - and you've been married with your prize for 10 years.

 

Let's see if your perspective changes to become more like his present wife. Yep, she's still his wife.

 

Btw, I, too, tried to show a bit of truth to my exH new wife before they got married. She ignored all the warning signs - including his abusive behavior. She just say there silently acting like it was all ok.

 

People see what they want to see.