Managed Exit

[wheelwright]

Oh, so convenient to try to lay guilt on the person the two at issue were screwing over the most.

 

Ever hear the phrase, "You make your bed, you better be prepared to lie in it."

 

Not to mention bringing up "the good book." Seriously?

 

After many months of facing flaming on this forum re having had an A, and questioning myself about it, I think two things re this post:

 

The BSs have their share of responsibility

 

The point of the A was to f*** up the bed because I didn't like sleeping in it anymore

 

I am very lucky in that I chose a good man when I married. He has not let me hide and nailed me to my need to move on until I was sure. He has been kind and decent.

 

I know BSs have their share, because my BS has been my best friend for 20 years. And he admits it.

 

Some people have troubles, and cheat for the hell of it.

 

The As which matter are not like that. We all know it here. They are the As which happen because a wake up call is necessary, or because a partner needs to leave.

 

Really, I don't condemn this behaviour. It is part of staying or moving on - and the BS has to face this as much as the WS.

[wheelwright]

"The point of the A was to f*** up the bed because I didn't like sleeping in it anymore"

Self sabotage is not an excuse for your behavior.

 

It was self-preservation. An entirely different fish.

[wheelwright]

Disagree, and neither is an excuse for your behavior.

 

You have some audacity to disagree. After all, I am me and all, and know some stuff you don't.

 

Why would I need an excuse?

[kimpppp]

Think you are setting yourself up for a lot pain and disappointment down the road. Would never want to be with someone who is a cheater again. What happens when your relationship together hits a bump in the road?

[Silly_Girl]

"The point of the A was to f*** up the bed because I didn't like sleeping in it anymore"

Self sabotage is not an excuse for your behavior.

 

'Excuse' is different to 'reason'. You're new here so won't know, but WW has never tried to excuse her actions.

[donnamaybe]

After many months of facing flaming on this forum re having had an A, and questioning myself about it, I think two things re this post:

 

The BSs have their share of responsibility

 

The point of the A was to f*** up the bed because I didn't like sleeping in it anymore

 

I am very lucky in that I chose a good man when I married. He has not let me hide and nailed me to my need to move on until I was sure. He has been kind and decent.

 

I know BSs have their share, because my BS has been my best friend for 20 years. And he admits it.

 

Some people have troubles, and cheat for the hell of it.

 

The As which matter are not like that. We all know it here. They are the As which happen because a wake up call is necessary, or because a partner needs to leave.

 

Really, I don't condemn this behaviour. It is part of staying or moving on - and the BS has to face this as much as the WS.

Now I'm really confused. You say the BS shares blame for the A then you go on to state what a wonderful person your BS is. If you didn't like being in the marital bed, then you leave it. Makes much more sense than defecating in it and laying in the waste.

[donnamaybe]

Never seen such a cup half empty version of compassion. You live and learn.

 

Odd. My version of compassion is not sneaking around behind the back of my partner if I am unhappy in the R. My version includes cluing my partner in on what is happening with their life.

[donnamaybe]

'Excuse' is different to 'reason'. You're new here so won't know, but WW has never tried to excuse her actions.

 

Blaming the BE isn't ex cuse making?

[LilyBart]

You need to get out more.

 

Personally, I've met PLENTY of people who have married for the 'oops reason' (ie. knocked up). And these people wonder why their M isn't "solid". Hell, I would wonder too.

 

Oops is indeed done. If you go back and read more carefully, you will notice I said tax reasons.

 

*sigh* It's sad to have to spell everything out. Fine.

 

There are plenty of people I know who have married because of they happened to get knocked up....and that includes TAX reasons since you get a tax break for having kids.

 

One couple I know timed it so they got married at the BEGINNING of the year (after being knocked up) - in order to take advantage of TAXES. Tell me how much passionate love there is in that M.

[LilyBart]

I know that had I met someone who meant more than my H, I would have said straight out that we needed to look at us and if we were not able to work it out, would leave. Upfront and respect for H and also for myself too.

 

The managed exit, where the WS gaslights and the BS lives with and supports their spouse because they still believe there is a shared understanding of what the marriage is based upon, is such an underhand thing to do. How can someone continue to present a facade of 'allrightness' and togetherness in order to whip the rug out from someone? I don't get it, I am trying to understand but it just doesn't compute at all.

 

This is the problem. A lot of times A's start off 'for fun' and slowly turn into something unexpected - which includes having the AP mean more than the spouse. Is that so hard to understand? When you fall in love, you start imagining a life with someone else - and for some people, they want that life instead of the one they have.

 

At that point you have to decide what to do....and managing the exit seems to be the least traumatic choice. One makes plans for everything else in their lives - why not this one too?

 

And can we PLEASE stop mentioning that the BS thinks everything is "all right" and nothing is wrong and thus it's like"whipping the rug out" from under them? I will never ever believe that the BS did not know something was wrong. How totally CLUELESS can someone be? Especially if the A has gone on longer than a year?

 

_I_ don't get that and _I'm_ trying to understand but THAT doesn't compute at all.

[bentnotbroken]

*sigh* It's sad to have to spell everything out. Fine.

 

There are plenty of people I know who have married because of they happened to get knocked up....and that includes TAX reasons since you get a tax break for having kids.

 

One couple I know timed it so they got married at the BEGINNING of the year (after being knocked up) - in order to take advantage of TAXES. Tell me how much passionate love there is in that M.

 

 

I don't think anyone is naive enough to believe people DO NOT get married for the wrong reasons some time. Passionate love is a phase as studied many time and outlined in Sternberg's Theory. The fact of western love being propagated as always romantic and glowing is horse piles. That's why very few people who fall for it are willing to work through the other crap that is anything but "soul mated, deeper understanding, the spouse is "harpie/ogre" love. Let me get what I need now, damn the consequence because you only live once and can't control your actions:rolleyes:. Ahh life.

[turnstone]

I doubt that many couples will broadcast getting married for tax or immigration purposes, or even that the bride to be is pregnant, and so I doubt that anyone knows the reasons why many couples marry, despite the claims of knowing 'plenty' etc.

[Silly_Girl]

I doubt that many couples will broadcast getting married for tax or immigration purposes, or even that the bride to be is pregnant, and so I doubt that anyone knows the reasons why many couples marry, despite the claims of knowing 'plenty' etc.

 

The preggers one is pretty frequent. Sometimes it's official, sometimes not.

[daisy love]

Why are you guys saying that managing something is a bad thing?? I asked my love about this. He said, "Sweetheart, I am doing the best that I can."

 

He's doing his best!! There is nothing wrong with that!!

[bentnotbroken]

Why are you guys saying that managing something is a bad thing?? I asked my love about this. He said, "Sweetheart, I am doing the best that I can."

 

He's doing his best!! There is nothing wrong with that!!

 

 

He is doing his best. That's what so sad about it. Is that his best is sneaky, arrogant, disrespectful and selfish. It is the best he can do......FOR HIM.

[turnstone]

The preggers one is pretty frequent. Sometimes it's official, sometimes not.

 

For starters, its not. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for marriage for financial or societal reasons. And yes, I know as much about the UK society as you do.

 

Secondly, even if it were a common reason, I doubt the couple would advertise the fact.

[OWoman]

For starters, its not. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for marriage for financial or societal reasons. And yes, I know as much about the UK society as you do.

 

That's quite an assumption! I live in the UK, but even if I were employed by MI6 to study "UK society" I would not be arrogant enough to assume I knew everything there was to know about it - especially in comparison to someone else's, about the extent of whose knowledge I knew little beyond what they posted on an internet forum!

 

Secondly, even if it were a common reason, I doubt the couple would advertise the fact.

 

Wow! perhaps you should get out more... I know (and know of) several couples who are completely open about marrying for that reason. Often, a couple is happy to cohabit as a couple, without formalising the R into a M, until kids appear. Perhaps an outside individual may not see a need (for "financial or societal reasons") for them to M, but as long as *they* see that need, they'd be likely to act in accordance with their own recognition of the need rather than what some stranger on an internet forum decides is best for them.

[Silly_Girl]

For starters, its not. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for marriage for financial or societal reasons. And yes, I know as much about the UK society as you do.

 

Secondly, even if it were a common reason, I doubt the couple would advertise the fact.

 

I wasn't suggesting being pregnant as a reason to marry for financial reasons, just saying in my experience pregnancy is still up there as a common reason folk get married. Sometimes they advertise, sometimes it's obvious a few months later.

[OWoman]

You're assuming I'm not British/live in the UK/employed by the secret service to study UK society.

 

Nope - I said that even if that was the case for ME, I would not be arrogant enough to make such assumptions as that which I described. I didn't assume that that was or wasn't the case with anyone else - some people can be arrogant with even the smallest bit of "information" at their disposal.

 

 

And perhaps you should stop assuming you know everything about anyone else's marriage just because it fits in with your view of what it must be.

 

What I posted was not "assumption" but based on what REAL people have told me about THEIR OWN situations in REAL life. It's pretty arrogant to assume that you know more about the lives and motivations of people you don't even know, but only hear described on an internet forum, than someone that they know IRL and have shared many intimate discussions with over decades... based simply on the fact that you disagree with their view!

 

Advertise? I doubt any couple would admit to anyone but their confessor or very, very best friend that they were only marrying because the woman was pregnant. And if not for financial reasons or stigma, what else?

 

Again, just because the few people in your social sphere conform to your stereotype, it doesn't mean that other people don't exist. I've had colleagues admit that they were marrying because they were pregnant - not because of "stigma" but because of their own sense of values that believes that children should preferably be raised in a "stable" home with two parents married to each other. I've heard similar sentiments from a cashier at the local supermarket. A neighbour got M for similar reasons because her mother would have been disappointed if she hadn't. Another acquaintance reverted and got M when she fell pregnant as her BF's family were religious. It does happen all of the time, whether one chooses to acknowledge it or not.

[Silly_Girl]

Advertise? I doubt any couple would admit to anyone but their confessor or very, very best friend that they were only marrying because the woman was pregnant. And if not for financial reasons or stigma, what else?

 

I know an 8 yr couple who decided to make it 'all official' when bump news landed. Another couple (he's been a close friend for 18yrs) couldn't do it because they had a death in the family, but planned to get married so it was all 'out of the way' before pitter-patter came.... Baby was ill so eventually it was 3 years later they did it, but baby coming was the prompt.

 

Maybe your friends aren't comfortable with openly discussing baby being the trigger. I often hear it mentioned though. Maybe they, like you, think it should be a secret. But when baby's sitting up and chomping crust at the first anniversary it can kinda give the game away

[thissecretgirl]

For starters, its not. Nowadays there is absolutely no need for marriage for financial or societal reasons. And yes, I know as much about the UK society as you do.

 

Secondly, even if it were a common reason, I doubt the couple would advertise the fact.

 

Actually I disagree and I am from the UK (40yrs). The UK is melting pot of many different cultures, all with different values and different expectations and different societal pressures. To say society pressure no longer exist is too broadbrush. Maybe in your culture, in your community they arent present but who says thats the same for everyone.

 

I know a number of people who have married for different reasons. Two good freinds of mine married years ago for tax reasons. They had been together 6 years when they did and until then had no desire to get married. They are still very happy and still together now.

 

Since being is Australia I have also met a number of people who married for visa purposes; it being the only way to ensure their loved ones could remain here.

[Owl]

OK, I'm a little confused.

 

I'd thought that this thread was originally about "managed exits" from a marriage, and how often an affair is part of that "exit".

 

This whole spin on marriages that are done for reasons other than love doesn't seem to have anything to do with the original topic.

 

In a relationship that was founded on 'other' reasons...there's no reason for a "managed exit" of this nature. There were no expectations of fidelity or love in those cases.

 

If the relationship somehow UNILATERALLY changed over time so that one partner's expectations of it now included fidelity/love, then the expectation would be that the partners would openly discuss such changes...and potentially make the choice universal instead.

 

In the latter example, or in the cases where the relationship includes the expectation of fidelity, committment, and love...then the "managed exit" being discussed here is not only another one of those "unilateral changes" that we all seem to agree are wrong, but it also constitutes a betrayal and deception of the partner who isn't aware of this exit strategy.

 

The end of the relationship should be as carefully negotiated as the beginning should be. Regardless of the expectation of fidelity or some other foundation for the relationship.

 

As far as the "basis" of the marriage...how does the argument of whether or not marriages sometimes occur for reasons other than love fit into the original topic of this thread?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I just read this thread ... the situation described in the original post sounded more like a calculated, vicious "sticking it to" the wife than a "managed exit." Hiding assets - "note on the mantle" - I'm disgusted.

 

I firmly believe that if a husband or a wife is certain that he or she needs to leave a marriage, "managed" is the only correct way to do it. That means making it as equitable and as okay as possible, with maximum communication regardless of the discomfort or upheaval that entails. It's most likely to be a devastating situation. Why go to extra trouble to twist a knife?

 

Also, from my perspective, the existence or not of an "affair partner" waiting in the wings should not effect the way a person goes about ending their marriage. That's naive, though - a person who would handle their divorce in an honorable way wouldn't have been screwing around on the side in the first place, in my rosy world.

[donnamaybe]

I just read this thread ... the situation described in the original post sounded more like a calculated, vicious "sticking it to" the wife than a "managed exit." Hiding assets - "note on the mantle" - I'm disgusted.

 

I firmly believe that if a husband or a wife is certain that he or she needs to leave a marriage, "managed" is the only correct way to do it. That means making it as equitable and as okay as possible, with maximum communication regardless of the discomfort or upheaval that entails. It's most likely to be a devastating situation. Why go to extra trouble to twist a knife?

 

Also, from my perspective, the existence or not of an "affair partner" waiting in the wings should not effect the way a person goes about ending their marriage. That's naive, though - a person who would handle their divorce in an honorable way wouldn't have been screwing around on the side in the first place, in my rosy world.

Some people are only EVER in "ME ME ME" mode. Hence affairs, and hence "managed exit" as it is described in the opening post.

[LilyBart]

I just read this thread ... the situation described in the original post sounded more like a calculated, vicious "sticking it to" the wife than a "managed exit." Hiding assets - "note on the mantle" - I'm disgusted.

 

I firmly believe that if a husband or a wife is certain that he or she needs to leave a marriage, "managed" is the only correct way to do it. That means making it as equitable and as okay as possible, with maximum communication regardless of the discomfort or upheaval that entails. It's most likely to be a devastating situation. Why go to extra trouble to twist a knife?

 

Also, from my perspective, the existence or not of an "affair partner" waiting in the wings should not effect the way a person goes about ending their marriage. That's naive, though - a person who would handle their divorce in an honorable way wouldn't have been screwing around on the side in the first place, in my rosy world.

 

Drawing it out IS the extra trouble/twisting the knife. If one partner decides it's over, best to make plans, get out (with the least amount of fuss as possible) and get on with one's life. Why bother going through discomfort and upheavals if it can be avoided?

 

If it's done, it's done. No amount of 'communication' is going to change that, no matter what the BS thinks they 'deserve'. If the BS doesn't know the whole story, what difference does it make?

 

And you're wrong - sometimes having someone waiting for you is EXACTLY what you need in order to get out of a M that's blah-but-not-bad..... It's the wake up call that says you CAN have phenomenal, you DON'T have to settle for average.