Managed Exit

[Bigsmoke]

I would not start preparing for a divorce until I informed my spouse of my intentions. To do otherwise would put me at an unfair advantage and lead to resentment from my spouse.

Even absent the cheating, what my XW did was unfair to me. She spent some of our joint funds on her affair and our divorce. She took items that belonged to both of us. She left me with all types of bills etc.

I think one should go through life treating others as she or he would like to be treated(not my idea, of course). It makes things very simple and you feel better about yourself.

[thomasb]

I would not start preparing for a divorce until I informed my spouse of my intentions. To do otherwise would put me at an unfair advantage and lead to resentment from my spouse.

Even absent the cheating, what my XW did was unfair to me. She spent some of our joint funds on her affair and our divorce. She took items that belonged to both of us. She left me with all types of bills etc.

I think one should go through life treating others as she or he would like to be treated(not my idea, of course). It makes things very simple and you feel better about yourself.

 

 

Funny thing, Karma. What evil deeds you do come back to bite you in the ass eventually. Don't worry, she will never know what hit her, but hit her it will. Just go buy the popcorn and sit back and wait. I've seen it a million times.

[Bigsmoke]

I have never understood the reasons that people cheat and/or take unfair advantage of others. It seems so short sighted and compromises one's integrity. For whatever reason, I place a high value on acting with integrity and treating others fairly. I would look for similar values in a partner.

[datura_noir]

I have never understood the reasons that people cheat and/or take unfair advantage of others. It seems so short sighted and compromises one's integrity. For whatever reason, I place a high value on acting with integrity and treating others fairly. I would look for similar values in a partner.

 

 

You are a rare commomdity in this world and here on LS.Some folks will place value on you and/or take advantage of your views.

 

If you are true, you will steer clear of these forums....:laugh:

[tami-chan]

I would not start preparing for a divorce until I informed my spouse of my intentions. To do otherwise would put me at an unfair advantage and lead to resentment from my spouse.

 

Is INTENT not part of a plan? If you are honest you know that when you "intend" to do something that usually comes with some kind of planning already-albeit, still in the early stages and still fluid.

[Silly_Girl]

I have never understood the reasons that people cheat

 

I see you're a brand new member so perhaps some time reading back through posts would help, if you were genuinely wanting to understand the different situations, circumstances and outcomes. There's a wealth of very different threads and different outlooks between the same 'category' of poster.

[pureinheart]

Mention was made on another thread about a MM planning a "managed exit" and another poster pooh-poohed that idea. IME, the "managed exit" is the BS's worst nightmare - depriving them of what little control they may feel they have after a DDay, or - if there is no DDay - reducing at least some of their history to "lies" or fakery.

 

My H left his xW through a "managed exit", and several other MMs that I've known who have left their BWs for their OWs (and stayed with the OWs - not an "exit A" ) have done the same - including my father. I've always argued that MMs don't leave (sustainably) until they're ready to leave, and the "managed exit" seems to me to be the epitome of that. All their ducks in a row, then... Goodbye. In some cases, they say nothing to the BS before they leave - the proverbial note on the mantlepiece scenario - and in others, they advise the BS they will be leaving, and when, and then do so.

 

I'd be interested to hear whether anyone has had different experiences of a "managed exit" - a WS who left through a "managed exit" but didn't sustain it and returned, say... or an AP who "returned to sender" the WS who had left, no longer interested given the time elapsed... or whatever. From whichever role in the episode.

 

OWoman, if I may, touch on the concept of the managed exit. I believe it to be the only concept when dealing with an unstable, unreasonable BS.

 

After (then MM) DM and I began working together again, I advised him to start "relocating" his money, as D seemed to be inevitable. Prior, they had already divided their monies, maintaining separate checking, savings, bills, etc. I want to add, this does hold up in most courts, and the "community property" thing becomes quite limited even if disclosure is required.

 

He did take my advice and things turned out well for him.

 

Rewind to the separation, they were both trying to get the other to leave for years...she finally broke and left...no note, just a filthy house with various items gone. So in this case would it be duo managed exits?

[chrisallen]

Hi i am newbie to this forum and was just reading the comments about the said topic or questions. I am in favor of giving the chance to a person he or she might be change himself entirely. Otherwise we always have the extreme option.

[Bigsmoke]

Oncce I formed the intent, I would not take action until advising my spouse.

[OWoman]

Oncce I formed the intent, I would not take action until advising my spouse.

 

I am pleased that your M is characterised by such good, open communication. Many aren't - particularly at the point where at least one spouse is seeking to leave the M.

[donnamaybe]

You are a rare commomdity in this world and here on LS.Some folks will place value on you and/or take advantage of your views.

 

If you are true, you will steer clear of these forums....:laugh:

 

It is possible to have both intelligence and integrity.

[OWoman]

It is possible to have both intelligence and integrity.

 

Of course it is! My H is a prime example

[Owl]

As someone who was a WS, I would have to say that Owl is right on this. I was not emotionally detached from my H when the affair started but once in the affair, I distanced myself from him. In hindsight this was partly to provide some kind of "justification" for the affair - things not right at home etc to tell or let the ex-OM believe - but also to make it easier to maintain the lies so the affair could continue.

 

This is exactly what I saw happen in my wife's situation as well.

 

She began emotionally detaching AS A RESULT of starting her emotional affair with OM.

 

Her depression and poor boundaries were what led her to allow her communication with OM to extend from "friendship" to "relationship".

 

Her detachment was a result of her no longer emotionally investing in the marriage.

[Silly_Girl]

This is exactly what I saw happen in my wife's situation as well.

 

She began emotionally detaching AS A RESULT of starting her emotional affair with OM.

 

Her depression and poor boundaries were what led her to allow her communication with OM to extend from "friendship" to "relationship".

 

Her detachment was a result of her no longer emotionally investing in the marriage.

 

Those sorts of situations are the ones I think of as the most sad, or most destructive. I think most of us have an appreciation that a marriage that's in an appalling state and hasn't been tended and cared for can certainly end up in a VERY bad way. And that can mean all sorts of things, not just infidelity.

 

I do believe there is a weakness somewhere in the M for the cheating to even occur, but when the distance and disconnection is mostly due to the affair the damage is essentially needless and the impact so much greater. On the plus side, those marriages appear to be most likely to be able to be rebuilt.

[OWoman]

.they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

And I disagree with your last statement; emotional detachment is what caused the A to happen in the first place. There is no transfer.

 

I think this varies from case to case. In some of my previous As, there certainly was transfer of emotional investment from the BS to the OW (me) by the WS.

 

With my H, though, there had clearly been emotional detachment long before. There had certainly been no emotional reconciliation after he'd taken her back after their previous separation, and there was no emotional connection when I got involved with him. But whether or not the emotional detachment caused the A - in his case I wouldn't say that was so. It certainly laid him open to the possibility, but it wasn't a sufficient condition to cause it on its own. He'd been emotionally detached from her long before he'd met me; he'd had other offers from other OW-hopefuls; he'd turned them all down. It wasn't something he was looking for. But without the emotional detachment, he most certainly would not have been open to an A, so in his case it definitely was a necessary (albeit not sufficient) condition.

 

I don't think there are "one size fits all" rules for these things.

[Bigsmoke]

I am pleased that your M is characterised by such good, open communication. Many aren't - particularly at the point where at least one spouse is seeking to leave the M.

 

Actually, the communcation was not at all good, at least from my XW(as evidenced by her serial cheating, among other things). Nevertheless, I would not let her limitations in that regard affect my values.

 

"To thine own self be true, etc"

[desertIslandCactus]

OWoman, if I may, touch on the concept of the managed exit. I believe it to be the only concept when dealing with an unstable, unreasonable BS.

 

After (then MM) DM and I began working together again, I advised him to start "relocating" his money, as D seemed to be inevitable. Prior, they had already divided their monies, maintaining separate checking, savings, bills, etc. I want to add, this does hold up in most courts, and the "community property" thing becomes quite limited even if disclosure is required.

 

He did take my advice and things turned out well for him.

 

Rewind to the separation, they were both trying to get the other to leave for years...she finally broke and left...no note, just a filthy house with various items gone. So in this case would it be duo managed exits?

 

Theft from 'community property' - in this state. This is intrinsic or extrinsic Fraud .. The victimized spouse can receive a judgement of Double the amount of the fraud (theft) against the appropriate involved.

Edited April 25, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[Bigsmoke]

Of course it is! My H is a prime example

 

If your current H had an affair with you, I cannot see how he is a man of integrity(unless he has changed). Having an affair breaks one's sacred vows. People of integrity do not do this.

 

Why did he simply not wait and divorce?

[OWoman]

Example of what? Had MM stayed with BW, your assessment would be different methinks.

 

Indeed. But fortunately, as I said, he has intelligence too, so he didn't

[desertIslandCactus]

He was so intelligent he had an A instead of getting a divorce first. He prepped for the D behind his BW's back, adding insult to injury.Oh, sure. That's smart

 

Oh but WTF - It was a 'managed exit' ..

[daisy love]

Sorry to be debbie downer here, but until your mm actually is packed up and gone and in a committed relationship with you and has cut off contact with the X........he hasn't chosen you at all. When he does those things, then you can say that but until he does, you aren't that much different than some of the other OW who are hoping and waiting.

 

 

You scare me Daisy.......and I'm scared that you are so full of blind faith that if you fall, you will have a long, long way down. I hope you at least consider the possibility that things may not go as you want them to. If they do........then great for you, but until then you need to be realistic.

You can think what ever you want, but my man HAS chosen me. I know that, and I have no reason AT ALL to doubt him. I have my own life and my own friends!! It's not like I sit around waiting for MM to call LOL!! I don't have to he calls ALL the TIME!!Hey, if things don't turn out, (but the WILL) then I will deal with that when the time comes. Until, I will love my man and enjoy him and our love.

[daisy love]

He was so intelligent he had an A instead of getting a divorce first. He prepped for the D behind his BW's back, adding insult to injury.Oh, sure. That's smart

 

Why all the bitterness? Geeze, you'd think the BW of every OW here is posting here too!! Who cares how he left as long as he did it?

[BB07]

You can think what ever you want, but my man HAS chosen me. I know that, and I have no reason AT ALL to doubt him. I have my own life and my own friends!! It's not like I sit around waiting for MM to call LOL!! I don't have to he calls ALL the TIME!!Hey, if things don't turn out, (but the WILL) then I will deal with that when the time comes. Until, I will love my man and enjoy him and our love.

 

 

Daisy your refusal to comprehend and acknowledge that there is a possibility that your story could end up as the majority of the others do is scary. So I wonder if you really do think about these things but you push the thoughts away or is it that you really do have that much blind faith? Blind faith is a dangerous, dangerous thing!

 

You protest a lot which leads me to think that you aren't as secure as you'd like us to believe.

[OWoman]

He was so intelligent he had an A instead of getting a divorce first. He prepped for the D behind his BW's back, adding insult to injury.Oh, sure. That's smart

 

prepped for the D? He told her he was leaving as soon as he found a place for him and the kids, and that he'd start D proceedings once he'd organised the finances to do so. And then he did. She knew he was going to. She just chose not to believe him, until they were actually out of the door.

 

I'm not sure how that constitutes "prepping for the D behind her back". She knew he was going to. She could have done exactly the same, but chose not to. She got an exceptionally generous settlement - more than she was legally due - because he wanted to do so.

 

Twist it any way you want, it doesn't change what happened

[OWoman]

What do you expect? He cheated on BW behnd her back and planned her D for her behind her back too. That's the qualities I posted about earlier, and I did not write intelligence or integrity:rolleyes:

 

Nice try, but very wrong. Sorry. Better luck next time.