Managed Exit

[White Flower]

Mention was made on another thread about a MM planning a "managed exit" and another poster pooh-poohed that idea. IME, the "managed exit" is the BS's worst nightmare - depriving them of what little control they may feel they have after a DDay, or - if there is no DDay - reducing at least some of their history to "lies" or fakery.

 

My H left his xW through a "managed exit", and several other MMs that I've known who have left their BWs for their OWs (and stayed with the OWs - not an "exit A" ) have done the same - including my father. I've always argued that MMs don't leave (sustainably) until they're ready to leave, and the "managed exit" seems to me to be the epitome of that. All their ducks in a row, then... Goodbye. In some cases, they say nothing to the BS before they leave - the proverbial note on the mantlepiece scenario - and in others, they advise the BS they will be leaving, and when, and then do so.

 

I'd be interested to hear whether anyone has had different experiences of a "managed exit" - a WS who left through a "managed exit" but didn't sustain it and returned, say... or an AP who "returned to sender" the WS who had left, no longer interested given the time elapsed... or whatever. From whichever role in the episode.

Owoman, it's not only the BS who poon-poohs the idea. If the OP is involved in any way during the exit it would appear by other threads that even fellow OP see it as 'walking the MP out of the M'. I don't know if this will take the convo OT, but I do wonder how much support an OP should offer during that process.

[White Flower]

Cheating behind the spouse's back is bad enough. Planning the betrayed's own divorce behind their back too is cowardly and ball-less.

It's no surprise though. I wouldn't expect any less from a chump.

A D is a D no matter if it is planned with the aid of the BS or not. Either way, the BS wins because they are no longer with a partner who doesn't love them. I know, I was a BS.

[anne1707]

So rather than fix/end that relationship FIRST...which is typically the most desirable method...they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

And I disagree with your last statement; emotional detachment is what caused the A to happen in the first place. There is no transfer.

 

As someone who was a WS, I would have to say that Owl is right on this. I was not emotionally detached from my H when the affair started but once in the affair, I distanced myself from him. In hindsight this was partly to provide some kind of "justification" for the affair - things not right at home etc to tell or let the ex-OM believe - but also to make it easier to maintain the lies so the affair could continue.

[jwi71]

Maybe I'm just dense but...

 

I STILL don't see any difference between a D and a managed exit.

 

The ONLY, and it appears trivial, difference is the leaving party is "more prepared". Which is subject to the "to be left spouse" decision making. The BS (because I don't want to type 'to be left spouse' repeatedly) can simply hire a lawyer and drag the whole process out if he/she so chooses. The BS will obviously go after all known assets and so on - nothing gained except "mental planning" - and no plan survives contact with the enemy.

 

There is NO difference in managed exit and a D.

 

Everything OWoman listed could be done in D court - and that happens frequently. Nothing Owoman listed HAD to be done first...it can be done simultaneously with D. I would argue that doing it concurrently is BEST as NOW a JUDGE is involved - no way ANYONE gets accused of malfeasance and a judge can issue standing orders by which BOTH parties are bound - and this can INCLUDE therapy for children (mine did - I asked for it).

 

Still not seeing it.

 

Why not just file for D instead of telling the OW "I'm managing my exit"?

 

Still sounds like BS to me...

[daisy love]

My babe isn't telling the wife about the D until he is ready both emotionally and financially. He wants to have things in place. OWoman is exactly right as usual. These things take time.

[Rose1977]

My babe isn't telling the wife about the D until he is ready both emotionally and financially. He wants to have things in place. OWoman is exactly right as usual. These things take time.

 

 

I guess what I don't understand about a managed exit is, once he has his emotions and finances in place, does he just blindside his W by telling her he is leaving her for another woman? Does he have her served with D papers at work and just vacate the house while she is at work? I guess where the dishonesty comes into play for me is that two people entered into the M and one has no idea things are so bad that a D is coming. If I am remembering your situation correctly, he has been working on his managed exit for 5 years. I may be thinking of someone else with the 5 years though. It would devastate me to know my H had been planning to leave me for 5 years and putting on a happy face around me. I think if the W knew he was planning this for 5 years, she would probably tell him to stop being fake with her and file herself. That's what I would do. JMO.

[daisy love]

I guess what I don't understand about a managed exit is, once he has his emotions and finances in place, does he just blindside his W by telling her he is leaving her for another woman? Does he have her served with D papers at work and just vacate the house while she is at work? I guess where the dishonesty comes into play for me is that two people entered into the M and one has no idea things are so bad that a D is coming. If I am remembering your situation correctly, he has been working on his managed exit for 5 years. I may be thinking of someone else with the 5 years though. It would devastate me to know my H had been planning to leave me for 5 years and putting on a happy face around me. I think if the W knew he was planning this for 5 years, she would probably tell him to stop being fake with her and file herself. That's what I would do. JMO.

We have been together 5 years. We didn't decide that we wanted to be together until later in the relationship.

 

You make an good point tho! Maybe someone should force a D-Day so she will leave on her own! HAHA!

 

He doesn't want that tho. I trust him to make the right decisions for all of us.

[bentnotbroken]

We have been together 5 years. We didn't decide that we wanted to be together until later in the relationship.

 

You make an good point tho! Maybe someone should force a D-Day so she will leave on her own! HAHA!

 

He doesn't want that tho. I trust him to make the right decisions for all of us.

 

 

His judgment has been so excellent to this point. :sick:It is good that you trust him with your life, why should his wife suffer cause you trust him? It would be nice if the d-day comes soon with all that it could possibly entail.

[bentnotbroken]

My babe isn't telling the wife about the D until he is ready both emotionally and financially. He wants to have things in place. OWoman is exactly right as usual. These things take time.

 

 

They take time for those who are lying, but if the BS gets the oppertunity it can go with the speed of light. With the right info you would be shocked at the speed.

[BB07]

We have been together 5 years. We didn't decide that we wanted to be together until later in the relationship.

 

You make an good point tho! Maybe someone should force a D-Day so she will leave on her own! HAHA!

 

He doesn't want that tho. I trust him to make the right decisions for all of us.

 

 

As many OW have found out that trust you have in your MM can be used and abused and leave you feeling devastating. I hope that you aren't one of those.

 

Daisy........as someone who is quite a bit older than you and who has learned some hard lessons, this is my advice and it doesn't have anything to do with a moralistic view it's about protecting yourself as a woman. Make sure that a man backs up the pretty words with actions and never trust a man who can't give you something tangible within a reasonable time period. Never spend time waiting on someone to solve problems that are the make it or break it part of a relationship. Learn to recognize the difference between someone who deserves your trust and devotion and the ones who don't by letting your head lead you more than your heart.

[daisy love]

His judgment has been so excellent to this point. :sick:It is good that you trust him with your life, why should his wife suffer cause you trust him? It would be nice if the d-day comes soon with all that it could possibly entail.

Yes, his judgment has been good. He chose ME didn't he? :love:

 

I disagree with you. She isn't suffering in any way. She has everything she wants. Hell, you'd think she is the most pampered woman in Beverly Hills!! He is good to her, just like he's good to me. That doesn't mean he has to give her the world when he leaves.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, his judgment has been good. He chose ME didn't he? :love:

 

I disagree with you. She isn't suffering in any way. She has everything she wants. Hell, you'd think she is the most pampered woman in Beverly Hills!! He is good to her, just like he's good to me. That doesn't mean he has to give her the world when he leaves.

 

 

Sure he doesn't. He will get what he deserves. They usually do. His judgment is about as good as a blind toad in the middle of a busy highway.

[daisy love]

They take time for those who are lying, but if the BS gets the oppertunity it can go with the speed of light. With the right info you would be shocked at the speed.

I'll take that under consideration. Thanks.

[daisy love]

Sure he doesn't. He will get what he deserves. They usually do. His judgment is about as good as a blind toad in the middle of a busy highway.

He's more worried about what he walks away with than I am. He says it's important to him that he be able to make a good life for us. I would live in a shack with him, tho it'd be nice to keep the Bentley!!

[bentnotbroken]

He's more worried about what he walks away with than I am. He says it's important to him that he be able to make a good life for us. I would live in a shack with him, tho it'd be nice to keep the Bentley!!

 

 

Prepare for the shack.

[BB07]

Yes, his judgment has been good. He chose ME didn't he? :love:

 

I disagree with you. She isn't suffering in any way. She has everything she wants. Hell, you'd think she is the most pampered woman in Beverly Hills!! He is good to her, just like he's good to me. That doesn't mean he has to give her the world when he leaves.

 

 

Sorry to be debbie downer here, but until your mm actually is packed up and gone and in a committed relationship with you and has cut off contact with the X........he hasn't chosen you at all. When he does those things, then you can say that but until he does, you aren't that much different than some of the other OW who are hoping and waiting.

 

You scare me Daisy.......and I'm scared that you are so full of blind faith that if you fall, you will have a long, long way down. I hope you at least consider the possibility that things may not go as you want them to. If they do........then great for you, but until then you need to be realistic.

[daisy love]

Prepare for the shack.

Not with MY man! He's way too smart for that!!

 

He knows what he's doing. I trust him to take care of all of us. I trust him with my heart, :love:so I'll trust him with the rest too!!

 

Have a great night!

 

ETA: Great thread OWOMAN!! *waves*

[desertIslandCactus]

Not with MY man! He's way too smart for that!!

 

He knows what he's doing. I trust him to take care of all of us. I trust him with my heart, :love:so I'll trust him with the rest too!!

 

Have a great night!

 

ETA: Great thread OWOMAN!! *waves*

 

Smart people don't live a double life ... let alone for Five years .. and then settle for the one who lured them ..

 

(and that's just for starters)

[seren]

One of my very good friends was the OW for 15 years, for almost 10 of those years she would speak to me about how she and the MM would be together when, he retires, when his wife had a new kidney (seriously), this became when the children finish university, when the children leave home, then grandchildren came along, yet more when excuses. All through this, my friend made plans, looked at houses, looked at how they would manage finances etc etc. My friend was managing her side of the A with a view to the future. The MM was just managing the A, doing so by keeping both lives separate, telling both his BS and my friend what they wanted and needed to hear to keep the situation to his liking.

 

I would say to her, how can you be with someone who goes home to another, who shares a life and bed with them? she would say, he is just there until he can leave properly. He never left his marriage, he let my friend down many times, but she just kept on making excuses for him. I believed him when he said his wife was ill, I even raised money for the dialysis unit. When I eventually met her through a utual aquaintance I had to treble check this was indeed the MM's wife as she was fit, healthy and spoke of her marriage with love.

 

I wonder just who was managing who, the supposed managed exit was not an exit, more a maintaining the status quo. I have tried to think that were I an OW how long would I wait, I think I would say come back when you have succesfully managed to become a SG and then come find me, otherwise I would just be enabling him to stay married. The reason I would do so, is because I am worth it and I could never, ever willingly or knowingly share the person I love with another, not even if it was just to put their ducks in a row. Not many BS accept their H's having another, no wonder MP try to keep their lives separate.

 

I get the needing to ensure financial security etc, but divorce lawyers (presuming there is sufficient finance to make one needed) are very adept at sorting it all out fairly. To plan behind another's back is cowardly and IMO lacks character. No matter what stage the marriage is at, at some point that same MM said the same things to their wife as they are now saying to another. Were I the BS whose H had managed my future behind my back, I would make the divorce hell, had my H said he wanted to divorce for lack of love I could understand that and work with him to end our partnership, because no matter what, a marriage is a partnership.

[Rose1977]

One of my very good friends was the OW for 15 years, for almost 10 of those years she would speak to me about how she and the MM would be together when, he retires, when his wife had a new kidney (seriously), this became when the children finish university, when the children leave home, then grandchildren came along, yet more when excuses. All through this, my friend made plans, looked at houses, looked at how they would manage finances etc etc. My friend was managing her side of the A with a view to the future. The MM was just managing the A, doing so by keeping both lives separate, telling both his BS and my friend what they wanted and needed to hear to keep the situation to his liking.

 

I would say to her, how can you be with someone who goes home to another, who shares a life and bed with them? she would say, he is just there until he can leave properly. He never left his marriage, he let my friend down many times, but she just kept on making excuses for him. I believed him when he said his wife was ill, I even raised money for the dialysis unit. When I eventually met her through a utual aquaintance I had to treble check this was indeed the MM's wife as she was fit, healthy and spoke of her marriage with love.

 

I wonder just who was managing who, the supposed managed exit was not an exit, more a maintaining the status quo. I have tried to think that were I an OW how long would I wait, I think I would say come back when you have succesfully managed to become a SG and then come find me, otherwise I would just be enabling him to stay married. The reason I would do so, is because I am worth it and I could never, ever willingly or knowingly share the person I love with another, not even if it was just to put their ducks in a row. Not many BS accept their H's having another, no wonder MP try to keep their lives separate.

 

I get the needing to ensure financial security etc, but divorce lawyers (presuming there is sufficient finance to make one needed) are very adept at sorting it all out fairly. To plan behind another's back is cowardly and IMO lacks character. No matter what stage the marriage is at, at some point that same MM said the same things to their wife as they are now saying to another. Were I the BS whose H had managed my future behind my back, I would make the divorce hell, had my H said he wanted to divorce for lack of love I could understand that and work with him to end our partnership, because no matter what, a marriage is a partnership.

 

 

This is exactly what I was attempting to say Seren, but as usual, you put it better than I ever could . Great post as usual.

[OWoman]

Cheating behind the spouse's back is bad enough. Planning the betrayed's own divorce behind their back too is cowardly and ball-less.

 

Planning someone's D behind their back? Surely any D is exactly the same - one party announces they want out, and sets that in motion. I still fail to see how your projection relates to reality in any way.

 

When I wanted to end my first M, I told my xH I wanted to end it, found a place to live and moved out with my kids, and then launched D proceedings. No infidelity was involved. It was a Joe Soap D.

 

What my H did to end his M was exactly the same - he told his xW he wanted to end it, found a place to live and moved out with his kids, and then launched D proceedings.

 

How you manage to twist one into "blindsiding" someone is beyond me - unless you consider any R that ends with one person wanting out ahead of the other as "blindsiding", in which case life must blindside you an awful lot...

[OWoman]

There is NO difference in managed exit and a D.

 

Everything OWoman listed could be done in D court - and that happens frequently. Nothing Owoman listed HAD to be done first...it can be done simultaneously with D. I would argue that doing it concurrently is BEST as NOW a JUDGE is involved - no way ANYONE gets accused of malfeasance and a judge can issue standing orders by which BOTH parties are bound - and this can INCLUDE therapy for children (mine did - I asked for it).

 

JWI I can only imagine then that US D proceedings must differ significantly from the UK and other countries I'm familiar with.

 

The spouse who wants to leave finding a home for them and the kids - as part of a D in court? I've certainly never heard of that! And I'm sorry to disagree with you, but as a parent and a step-parent I really don't think springing a D on kids and letting them find out about it for the first time in a D court is healthy! I absolutely agree with family counselling as part of the lead up to the dissolution of the M - both because it allows ALL members of the family a sense of participation in, and ownership of, the process rather than simply being reduced to beign victims of it, and also because it allows the D couple to ensure that they really are done with the M before the D is kicked off officially.

[turnstone]

A "managed exit" doesn't require an affair.

 

IMO...the reason that this typically happens is because the spouse who engages in the affair is quite often a conflict avoider...and so avoids dealing with/addressing problems within the marriage or that they have within their relationship with their spouse. So rather than fix/end that relationship FIRST...which is typically the most desirable method...they start another relationship first...and then slowly transfer their emotional involvement FROM their BS to their affair partner.

 

That provides them the "strength" to do what they otherwise wouldn't have done on their own...force change.

Yes, and so 'managing an exit' (if the definition of that is the cheating spouse getting their ducks in a row before informing the betrayed spouse that they intend to leave/divorce) is more of the same conflict avoidance.

 

My mother (rest her soul) did a managed exit. She popped me (two at the time) and my brother (six months old) into a playpen and taped a note to the TV explaining why she was leaving to go live with a married guy in some hotel. Eight hours later my father got home from work and found us there. Yeah, she informed him. In a completely reprehensible way.

 

Was he blindsided even though he was bound to have known things were going south? Sure. Was it a cowardly and ball-less thing none-the-less? Yes.

I'm sorry you went through that.

 

Seriously - it doesn't matter how you do it: cheating your way out of a marriage is cowardly and blindsiding regardless of what spin is put on it, how "managed" it seems or how "well" it turned out.

 

The answer to all this ***** I reckon

[tami-chan]

Cheating behind the spouse's back is bad enough. Planning the betrayed's own divorce behind their back too is cowardly and ball-less.

It's no surprise though. I wouldn't expect any less from a chump.

 

ALL divorces whether there was a third party involved or not are PLANNED by the person who no longer loves the other person. One does not wake up one morning and say "this is a good day to get a divorce, let me jot down the things I need to do"....I mean, seriously . There are series of events that lead up to it...the other party might be oblivious to those events...but that's besides the point.

[tami-chan]

My xH believes that I "managed" my exit. There was no way I could convince him that I didn't. However, after being a BS for a long, time, I did make sure that I was not going to be dependent on him for financial reasons. I also made sure that my college and post-grad edu was not paid by him-so he could not claim that he "put me through school". Yes, I put all my "ducks in a row" not because I was planning to leave but because he was a cheat many times over. Except that, towards the end of our marriage I did become an OW to a very successful lawyer, who was also "managing his exit" from his marriage.

 

All told, my xH claims he was "blindsided"(and told that to everybody who cared to listen)-imagine that ! When I informed him of my plan to divorce him, he was in disbelief and told me: "Forget about me being a cheat, this is about YOU-you never wanted to break up our family!"...