Managed Exit

[Bigsmoke]

If the man cheated on his wife, he was wrong to do so. He failed to keep his vow of fidelity. There is nothing honorable or intelligent about that, IMO. It is a sign of weakness and lack of character.

[wheelwright]

I managed Mr. Messy's exit. I told him nothing after I discovered the affair. I let him hang himself and her. Then I managed his tushy right out the front door, where he was served on the front steps.

 

You let him hang himself and her?

 

Wow. You must have hated him.

 

Power over respect for love. An eye for an eye over anything else in the good book.

 

I found this a depressing post.

 

Still, you sound quite happy about it all now.

[wheelwright]

I get the needing to ensure financial security etc, but divorce lawyers (presuming there is sufficient finance to make one needed) are very adept at sorting it all out fairly. To plan behind another's back is cowardly and IMO lacks character. No matter what stage the marriage is at, at some point that same MM said the same things to their wife as they are now saying to another. Were I the BS whose H had managed my future behind my back, I would make the divorce hell, had my H said he wanted to divorce for lack of love I could understand that and work with him to end our partnership, because no matter what, a marriage is a partnership.[/QUOTE]

 

Re bolded: xMOM and I were planning a managed exit. I am glad we didn't go through with that and DDay occured instead.

 

Managing an exit can perhaps be a good thing if everything is pretty much ready anyway. But a prolongued one is too much of an insult to an unknowing BS.

 

A knowing one burns his/her own bridges, and in this case seems reasonable.

[Rose1977]

You let him hang himself and her?

 

Wow. You must have hated him.

 

Power over respect for love. An eye for an eye over anything else in the good book.

 

I found this a depressing post.

 

Still, you sound quite happy about it all now.

 

 

I am confused as to what you mean by this. He cheated on her- this isn't a matter of eye for an eye, it's a matter of she chose to put her cheating spouse out and have him served with divorce papers. You say Bent must have hated her H - what did him cheating on her say about how he felt about her? Maybe I am misunderstanding what you are trying to say with this post?

[bentnotbroken]

You let him hang himself and her?

 

Wow. You must have hated him.

 

Power over respect for love. An eye for an eye over anything else in the good book.

 

I found this a depressing post.

 

Still, you sound quite happy about it all now.

:lmao:You're funny. Hate him...not at all. Disgusted by a person stealing from his family by moving assets....yup I AM GUILTY AS CHARGED! I find most of the things you say not depressing but strange. Well we can't all live the fantasy.

[wheelwright]

Oncce I formed the intent, I would not take action until advising my spouse.

 

Some SOs can bear to be left, but cannot bear to be left for another. In fact, perhaps many.

 

WSs know this. So they plan to be unfair, but find out when it comes to the crunch that it would be too heartless. A managed exit is more heartless than an A, and also condemns the WS to a future of dishonesty with xH/W or letting them hear the news at some time in the future with no-one to rail against nor cling to.

 

I agree with the poster who said an abusive R requires it. Other than that, I really think it is too heartless for me. Even though it is what I planned myself at the time. I had put myself in a position which seemed to require it.

 

I find myself agreeing with what happened to me - getting thrown under a bus after DDAy, having to work things out with H, him working things out with his BS, seemingly successfully.

 

It hurt like hell, but my conscience is clearer.

 

It's either tell everyone early on and go with the love, or allow the BS to know and continue on or not, or let it go.

 

A managed exit is almost like saying you don't trust the love anyway.

[tami-chan]

If the man cheated on his wife, he was wrong to do so. He failed to keep his vow of fidelity. There is nothing honorable or intelligent about that, IMO. It is a sign of weakness and lack of character.

 

If a wife failed to keep any of the promises made during the wedding ceremony-ie. to love and to cherish, to honor and obey, to take care of his needs etc.etc-if ANY of that was not kept or diminished significantly through time-do you think it is a sign of weakness and lack of character?

[tami-chan]

Oncce I formed the intent, I would not take action until advising my spouse.

 

Like I said "forming the intent" is already part of the planning stage. Are you going to tell me that when forming intent you are not also calculating the fall-out/reaction/risks? . How is that possible if you are a normal person?

[OWoman]

If the man cheated on his wife, he was wrong to do so. He failed to keep his vow of fidelity. There is nothing honorable or intelligent about that, IMO. It is a sign of weakness and lack of character.

 

were you present at the wedding? Did you hear a vow of fidelity? Or are you just assuming that all wedding vows include that - in which case you're definitely wrong! I've been M twice - the first time in a civil ceremony conducted in a magistrates' court where the secular vows certainly did not include anything of the sort, and the second time in a private ceremony where we wrote our own vows and included what we wanted, and left out anything irrelevant or meaningless to us. Weddings are like that - you can customise them to suit your own individual requirements.

 

So before you make assumptions (and then base your attempts at character assassination on those groundless assumptions) perhaps you should acquaint yourself with the world of fact and reality first. It helps to stop you looking foolish when you get things horribly wrong....

[Bigsmoke]

Please, I don't beleive this guy did not vow fidelity.

 

What a crock.

[OWoman]

Please, I don't beleive this guy did not vow fidelity.

 

What a crock.

 

I wasn't there to witness it, but I do know from the friends who did act as witnesses (it was a low-key registry office thing with no reception or other celebration to mark it - purely a formality) that both parties were reluctant, that neither took any part of it seriously and that it was obvious to everyone that they were simply going through the motions for tax purposes - as were thousands of other couples who'd been cohabiting previously, all around the country, at the time. The W was particularly averse - she'd been M before and couldn't be arsed to go through all that again, and in protest kept her xH's surname rather than adopting her new H's surname or reverting to her own surname. By all accounts it was less a case of "making vows" than of signing on the dotted line to comply with requirements.

 

Interesting notion though - I wonder how many people really do believe in the "vows" they "swear" when they get M - particularly those who get M in a church where vows still pledge stuff like honouring and obeying, and of course all the "for richer and poorer" bits. I've not heard of a single woman who actually felt in her heart that she was really swearing to obey her H when she made the vows, allowing him to boss her around; Nor any man who felt he was really promising to his W that he would honour, respect and cherish her regardless of circumstances eg if she turned into Jabba the Hutt or Sarah Palin. Certainly every real life couple I have ever met has had their "escape clauses" of what they considered would invalidate their contractual obligations - whether it was the denial / withholding of sex or the acquisition of a few dozen surplus kilograms of spurious body mass, the partner giving up their job and being unwilling to work or the spouse wanting / not wanting kids. Whatever people might CLAIM to be promising (especially if religion is involved) is very different in many - I'd say most - cases from what they in their hearts believe they ARE promising to their spouse. For the rest, it's simply complying with the requirements of the process.

[donnamaybe]

You let him hang himself and her?

 

Wow. You must have hated him.

 

Power over respect for love. An eye for an eye over anything else in the good book.

 

I found this a depressing post.

 

Still, you sound quite happy about it all now.

Oh, so convenient to try to lay guilt on the person the two at issue were screwing over the most.

 

Ever hear the phrase, "You make your bed, you better be prepared to lie in it."

 

Not to mention bringing up "the good book." Seriously?

Edited April 26, 2011 by donnamaybe

[jthorne]

Certainly every real life couple I have ever met has had their "escape clauses" of what they considered would invalidate their contractual obligations - whether it was the denial / withholding of sex or the acquisition of a few dozen surplus kilograms of spurious body mass, the partner giving up their job and being unwilling to work or the spouse wanting / not wanting kids.

Seriously? Wow, I really feel sorry for someone who would feel that they needed to put these kind of clauses in their marriage vows!

 

I guess they'd each better hope that either one of them are never in an accident and become paralyzed. I guess one would just leave the other on the sidewalk in that case.

[donnamaybe]

Seriously? Wow, I really feel sorry for someone who would feel that they needed to put these kind of clauses in their marriage vows!

 

I guess they'd each better hope that either one of them are never in an accident and become paralyzed. I guess one would just leave the other on the sidewalk in that case.

A whole lotta heart in those vows, eh?

[Rose1977]

Seriously? Wow, I really feel sorry for someone who would feel that they needed to put these kind of clauses in their marriage vows!

 

I guess they'd each better hope that either one of them are never in an accident and become paralyzed. I guess one would just leave the other on the sidewalk in that case.

 

 

LOL, this made me laugh, the first thing that went through my mind is the kilograms (how much is a kilogram by the way? I can barely figure out lbs.) I put on my a** after I had my son. When I look at pics, I don't know how my exH could have told me I was beautiful at the time. He probably had to tell me I was pretty, he was afraid I would sit on him.

 

In all seriousness, I do agree that there are certain dealbreakers in a M, but I find it strange that Owoman didn't mention infidelity in the things MOST people would call dealbreakers. (I don't know how to quote the post this was in response to). That would be a bigger dealbreaker for me than my partner gaining weight.

[jthorne]

LOL, this made me laugh, the first thing that went through my mind is the kilograms (how much is a kilogram by the way? I can barely figure out lbs.) I put on my a** after I had my son. When I look at pics, I don't know how my exH could have told me I was beautiful at the time. He probably had to tell me I was pretty, he was afraid I would sit on him.

 

In all seriousness, I do agree that there are certain dealbreakers in a M, but I find it strange that Owoman didn't mention infidelity in the things MOST people would call dealbreakers. (I don't know how to quote the post this was in response to). That would be a bigger dealbreaker for me than my partner gaining weight.

A kg is 2.2 pounds.

 

If I read the post correctly, she said they they intentionally left infidelity out of their vows, but included these.

 

As a joke, I asked my hunny if he would have been okay had we left fidelity part out of our marriage vows. He looked at me like I was an alien! He was fine with leaving out the "obey" part, but leaving out the fidelity part would have been a non-starter. Why get married if you can't hold the person you love above all others?

 

Maybe we stupid Americans are just unevolved and antiquated.

[jthorne]

A whole lotta heart in those vows, eh?

You know, I made a joke that we Americans must be unevolved and antiquared, but thinking about it, these "vows" discussed remind me of marriages before women had rights. You know, you will never withhold sex, you will keep yourself trim, blah blah blah. Reminds me of an old Lysol ad. Edited April 26, 2011 by jthorne

[daisy love]

Daisy your refusal to comprehend and acknowledge that there is a possibility that your story could end up as the majority of the others do is scary. So I wonder if you really do think about these things but you push the thoughts away or is it that you really do have that much blind faith? Blind faith is a dangerous, dangerous thing!

 

You protest a lot which leads me to think that you aren't as secure as you'd like us to believe.

 

Think whatever you want, ok. Only me and my hunky hunk know all the facts.

[daisy love]

I wasn't there to witness it, but I do know from the friends who did act as witnesses (it was a low-key registry office thing with no reception or other celebration to mark it - purely a formality) that both parties were reluctant, that neither took any part of it seriously and that it was obvious to everyone that they were simply going through the motions for tax purposes - as were thousands of other couples who'd been cohabiting previously, all around the country, at the time. The W was particularly averse - she'd been M before and couldn't be arsed to go through all that again, and in protest kept her xH's surname rather than adopting her new H's surname or reverting to her own surname. By all accounts it was less a case of "making vows" than of signing on the dotted line to comply with requirements.

 

Interesting notion though - I wonder how many people really do believe in the "vows" they "swear" when they get M - particularly those who get M in a church where vows still pledge stuff like honouring and obeying, and of course all the "for richer and poorer" bits. I've not heard of a single woman who actually felt in her heart that she was really swearing to obey her H when she made the vows, allowing him to boss her around; Nor any man who felt he was really promising to his W that he would honour, respect and cherish her regardless of circumstances eg if she turned into Jabba the Hutt or Sarah Palin. Certainly every real life couple I have ever met has had their "escape clauses" of what they considered would invalidate their contractual obligations - whether it was the denial / withholding of sex or the acquisition of a few dozen surplus kilograms of spurious body mass, the partner giving up their job and being unwilling to work or the spouse wanting / not wanting kids. Whatever people might CLAIM to be promising (especially if religion is involved) is very different in many - I'd say most - cases from what they in their hearts believe they ARE promising to their spouse. For the rest, it's simply complying with the requirements of the process.

 

I can TOTALLY see this!! People should say vows they don't mean. Things that are dealbreakers in a M people should be upfront about them always. I'm pretty sure that my man didn't promise fidelity either.

[daisy love]

You know, I made a joke that we Americans must be unevolved and antiquared, but thinking about it, these "vows" discussed remind me of marriages before women had rights. You know, you will never withhold sex, you will keep yourself trim, blah blah blah. Reminds me of an old Lysol ad.

 

THAT is GROSS! I never withhold sex and keep myself looking hot!! I want my man to always think I'm hot and sexxxay! There's nothing wrong with looking good for the man you love! Men like women to look hot! What's wrong with that. They are setup that way!

[BB07]

Think whatever you want, ok. Only me and my hunky hunk know all the facts.

 

Whatever you say.......

[Rose1977]

I can TOTALLY see this!! People should say vows they don't mean. Things that are dealbreakers in a M people should be upfront about them always. I'm pretty sure that my man didn't promise fidelity either.

 

 

If he didn't promise fidelity then why can't he just tell his W about you? IDK, I guess I am missing something here. She said the vows too, if they didn't promise fidelity then she is probably cheating too - though I'm not sure it's really cheating if they agreed not to be faithful to each other in their marriage vows. It seems to me that they had kind of an open marriage, so there shouldn't be a need for secrecy regarding other people.

[Rose1977]

]"hunky hunk"? Seriously' date=' how old are you? 12?[/b']

 

I don't like to be rude, but I find it very sad that you act so flippant about something that will not only have a huge negative impact on your "hunky hunks" wife, but also on him as well. I have read more than a few posts on here from "other men/other woman" on here, but very, very few of them come off like you. Most of them recognize the repercussions of their actions and take them very seriously.

 

Are you even thinking about him and how all this will affect him at all, or are you only thinking of yourself?

 

No offense, but it really seems as if he's got you right where he wants you... as his " little piece of fluff" on the side, and if you think I am wrong, then why not call up his wife and let him know what he's doing with you and see what happens.

 

Great the BF just read this thread b/c he wanted to know what was making me laugh and he said he wants it written in our vows that calling him hunky hunk is a dealbreaker.

 

In all seriousness, I worry about Daisy. If her posts are true and not intended to be inflammatory, it seems she wants so badly to believe things that she can't see the facts clearly and that makes me worry.

 

Daisy, you can say he is managing his exit, and that is all well and good, but the fact is that you have no proof of this and you have no idea what he does when he is 3,000 miles away. I am afraid that you will be devastated when and if he pulls the plug on this or that you will waste 5 more years of your life waiting for someone who will leave you high and dry. Most OW are aware of their MM's plans when he is planning a managed exit, as evidenced in this thread. The MM has things he needs to figure out, and the OW is kept up to date as to what is going on. Your MM just placates you by telling you once he hides his assets and gets his Bentley he will leave. If you are truly happy, that is fabulous. But if he loves you in the way you love him, you would have a clear timeline - he wouldn't keep you sitting around waiting, waiiting, waiting with no changes and no visible moves to change his siituation. That is all people are trying to say in an effort to help you see another point of view, and you consistently respond by calling us all bitter or insulting people. Most of us found LS as a result of being hurt or going through a terrible time in our lives. Maybe at some point you will see that other people do have valuable advice. You don't have to agree with it, but opening yourself up to other points of view isn't a bad thing. You don't have to make it your reality, but everyone who has offered you advice has been in a siituation very similar to yours. That would be enough to make me listen to what others have to say without insulting them.

[LifesontheUp]

Get a feeling of deja vou. Can anyone say sock puppet?

[daisy love]

"hunky hunk"? Seriously, how old are you? 12?

 

I don't like to be rude, but I find it very sad that you act so flippant about something that will not only have a huge negative impact on your "hunky hunks" wife, but also on him as well. I have read more than a few posts on here from "other men/other woman" on here, but very, very few of them come off like you. Most of them recognize the repercussions of their actions and take them very seriously.

 

Are you even thinking about him and how all this will affect him at all, or are you only thinking of yourself?

 

No offense, but it really seems as if he's got you right where he wants you... as his " little piece of fluff" on the side, and if you think I am wrong, then why not call up his wife and let him know what he's doing with you and see what happens.

 

We call each other names, BIG deal!! I call him hunky hunk. He calls me sugar lumps!! :love:You don't know the whole story, and I'm NOT posting it here! This place is OBVIOUSLY not the place for me to post any details!!