The dreaded break up talk :-(

[dreamingoftigers]

DLish, I may be slow but I still manage to dig up a little extra in the end. When I was pregnant my husband was very rejecting of me and big very interested in the pregnancy whatsoever, he had some other things on his mind....

 

Anyways, I actually have found the memories of my pregnancy to be so traumatic that I often try to auto-block them out. It was deeply deeply hurtful to be carrying a man's child and have him act as though I wasn't even there. I am sure that that adds a layer of raw pain to your situation as well.

[Art_Critic]

Hey D.. good thing you told your mom, support from your mom will help tons...

 

You are being wayyyyyyy toooooooo hard on yourself..

 

Stop it...Nothing wrong with introspection but you don't own 95% of the shiot your wrote about in your letter..

 

The guy was a effwad and as an effwad he owns all the shiot he did to you..

****hugz**** and here's a dove dark

Edited April 24, 2011 by Art_Critic
spelling

[D-Lish]

Oh my gosh! Every life is sacred! (But you already know that don't you? )

 

The logical part of me knows that.

 

I met my biological mother when I was in my 20's. I thought it would have squashed all my abandonment issues to meet and connect with her. She's a nice woman, she came to my wedding. I found out all about the story surrounding my adoption and I got some comfort from it.

 

My bio dad and her were in uni and when she told him she was pregnant, he left her immediately and told her she ruined his day by telling him- then they never spoke again.

 

One day I was on a DATE with a new guy- and we were at the grocery store getting ingredients for dinner, and she walked past me with an old woman and just gave me this "look" and pretended she didn't know me. I excused myself from my date and went back to say hi because I thought she didn't see me. She nervously said "I'm so sorry, I'm with my step mom, and she doesn't know about you". Her mother and father were already divorced when she was pregnant with me, and she never told her dad and step mom because she said they'd never had understood.

 

It made me feel really crappy all over again- the fact that I was still a dirty little secret. I haven't spoken to her since despite her reaching out to me on a few occasions since then.

 

DLish, I may be slow but I still manage to dig up a little extra in the end. When I was pregnant my husband was very rejecting of me and big very interested in the pregnancy whatsoever, he had some other things on his mind....

 

Anyways, I actually have found the memories of my pregnancy to be so traumatic that I often try to auto-block them out. It was deeply deeply hurtful to be carrying a man's child and have him act as though I wasn't even there. I am sure that that adds a layer of raw pain to your situation as well.

 

It does DOT, but I am also a bit relieved that the pregnancy didn't come to fruition now. I still mourn the loss- but I can't imagine being pregnant with him as a partner. He always assumed I was having an abortion, and I wasn't leaning towards that. So when the miscarriage happened, he felt relief, and I felt the pain. I was actually just shy of 14 weeks when I had the mc- yet we hadn't had a conversation about what was going on until I had the mc. Then, two days later he was out at a bar.

 

As for you, I can't imagine what you went through, and I'm so sorry you did go through that, and continue to go through it with an unsupportive partner. You have a great gift with your child- but you have an unsupportive guy by your side. I think you're living the life I would have found myself in had I not had a mc. There is something better out there if you ever feel inclined to seek it. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling chronically lonley. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

 

Hey D.. good thing you told your mom, support from your mom will help tons...

 

You are being wayyyyyyy toooooooo hard on yourself..

 

Stop it...Nothing wrong with introspection but you don't own 95% of the shiot your wrote about in your letter..

 

The guy was a effwad and as an effwad he owns all the shiot he did to you..

****hugz**** and here's a dove dark

 

Thank you Art.

He is an f-wad. I can recognize that. I just can't reconcile with an f-wad rejecting me, lol.

 

I am so stressed out:o I fell asleep for a couple of hours and I just woke up- I haven't been able to sleep or eat much this past month. My weight's dropped below 120lbs, and I'm a walking zombie barely being able to sleep. I literally toss and turn for hours in my bed not sleeping.

 

I don't want to go back on prescription sleeping pills, but I need to get some sleep soon- my anxiety is so high right now.

[desertIslandCactus]

The logical part of me knows that.

 

I met my biological mother when I was in my 20's. I thought it would have squashed all my abandonment issues to meet and connect with her. She's a nice woman, she came to my wedding. I found out all about the story surrounding my adoption and I got some comfort from it.

 

My bio dad and her were in uni and when she told him she was pregnant, he left her immediately and told her she ruined his day by telling him- then they never spoke again.

 

One day I was on a DATE with a new guy- and we were at the grocery store getting ingredients for dinner, and she walked past me with an old woman and just gave me this "look" and pretended she didn't know me. I excused myself from my date and went back to say hi because I thought she didn't see me. She nervously said "I'm so sorry, I'm with my step mom, and she doesn't know about you". Her mother and father were already divorced when she was pregnant with me, and she never told her dad and step mom because she said they'd never had understood.

 

It made me feel really crappy all over again- the fact that I was still a dirty little secret. I haven't spoken to her since despite her reaching out to me on a few occasions since then.

 

Your mother at least allowed you the gift of Life. But her lack of priorities in not embracing her daughter that day .. I would not want to be her. A normal person would feel tortured to this day.

 

 

 

It does DOT, but I am also a bit relieved that the pregnancy didn't come to fruition now. I still mourn the loss- but I can't imagine being pregnant with him as a partner. He always assumed I was having an abortion, and I wasn't leaning towards that. So when the miscarriage happened, he felt relief, and I felt the pain. I was actually just shy of 14 weeks when I had the mc- yet we hadn't had a conversation about what was going on until I had the mc. Then, two days later he was out at a bar.

 

As for you, I can't imagine what you went through, and I'm so sorry you did go through that, and continue to go through it with an unsupportive partner. You have a great gift with your child- but you have an unsupportive guy by your side. I think you're living the life I would have found myself in had I not had a mc. There is something better out there if you ever feel inclined to seek it. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling chronically lonley. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

 

Exactly. There is nothing worse than living with indifference. Any hopes that the future may bring 'the one' - has got to be worth taking the chance..

 

 

 

]

[D-Lish]

Exactly. There is nothing worse than living with indifference. Any hopes that the future may bring 'the one' - has got to be worth taking the chance..

]

 

The last 5 years with my husband was like that, I was always lonley. I swore I'd never go there again.

 

I know had I ended up long term with this guy would have ended up the same way. He just doesn't have the capacity to take things to the next level.

 

Having 3 days off in a row hasn't been a good thing for me. I have so much anxiety today. I've essentially been alone with my thoughts all weekend.

 

My ex bf text to say happy easter and he ended up calling when I told him I had broken up with my guy. He's married with a kid now, but I still hear from him a few times a year. I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but he's always actively sought a friendship. We didn't work out because it was a LDR and he was too young for me.

 

It actually helps to have an ex tell you that you're a good person with a lot of great qualities.

 

I hate that I am missing someone so much that really shouldn't deserve my energy.

[jerbear]

It will get better. It will take time for the sting and loneliness to pass.

[desertIslandCactus]

The last 5 years with my husband was like that, I was always lonley. I swore I'd never go there again.

 

I know had I ended up long term with this guy would have ended up the same way. He just doesn't have the capacity to take things to the next level.

 

Having 3 days off in a row hasn't been a good thing for me. I have so much anxiety today. I've essentially been alone with my thoughts all weekend.

 

.

 

My H was indifferent for about the last year of our M .. which was bad enough.

 

Be happy you don't have to live the rest of your life with your SO.. He didn't want to welcome yours and his child into the world - that says it all.

 

Someone said something on another forum about how we become attracted to someone - but they don't have the capacity to be what we want and hope for in a relationship.

[D-Lish]

My H was indifferent for about the last year of our M .. which was bad enough.

 

Be happy you don't have to live the rest of your life with your SO.. He didn't want to welcome yours and his child into the world - that says it all.

 

Someone said something on another forum about how we become attracted to someone - but they don't have the capacity to be what we want and hope for in a relationship.

 

I know next time I will be leery of someone that tells me I am "perfect". That's why my recent ex did. It was 6 weeks in and he was starry eyed and he told me everything about me was absolutely perfect. What a great amount of pressure to measure up to that expectation. Of course I was perfect- we had sexual attraction and we barely knew one another, so both of us were on our best behaviour. What an expecation to live up to though. I think the first time I did something that alerted him that I wasn't everything he wanted me to be he started losing interest.

 

I remember telling him that night, geez buddy, I am far from perfect- but he wanted me to be, and I was bound to disappoint.

[USMCHokie]

Hey D,

 

I've been away from LS for a while, and I stumbled upon this thread tonight...I know I'm a bit late, and I haven't gone through all bajillion pages, but I'm really sorry to hear about all this...

 

But I know you'll be just fine...

[pandagirl]

I know next time I will be leery of someone that tells me I am "perfect". That's why my recent ex did. It was 6 weeks in and he was starry eyed and he told me everything about me was absolutely perfect. What a great amount of pressure to measure up to that expectation. Of course I was perfect- we had sexual attraction and we barely knew one another, so both of us were on our best behaviour. What an expecation to live up to though. I think the first time I did something that alerted him that I wasn't everything he wanted me to be he started losing interest.

 

I remember telling him that night, geez buddy, I am far from perfect- but he wanted me to be, and I was bound to disappoint.

 

D, it's really interesting to me how similar our dynamics were between us and our ex's, just because I know *we* are similar. My ex also told me repeatedly how perfect I was early on in the relationship. When I didn't start to "fit" correctly into his vision for me, he began to treat me differently, and ultimately left me while I was going through a depressed episode, as I too acted "needy" and "clingy."

 

I mean, I know we are pretty awesome, but perfect? No one is.

[D-Lish]

D, it's really interesting to me how similar our dynamics were between us and our ex's, just because I know *we* are similar. My ex also told me repeatedly how perfect I was early on in the relationship. When I didn't start to "fit" correctly into his vision for me, he began to treat me differently, and ultimately left me while I was going through a depressed episode, as I too acted "needy" and "clingy."

 

I mean, I know we are pretty awesome, but perfect? No one is.

 

You're right P, none of us are.

 

One thing I can't get over is that I know how much relief he felt when he was finally able to shut the door on me. I just told someone else tonight that I am having such a hard time reconciling with the fact that I was so hard to be around that someone felt so much relief to not have me in their life anymore.

 

Pregnant or not, this guy wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I can't help but ruminate over that. And now he's out there enjoying his life just relieved he doesn't have to interact with me anymore.

 

I'm having a hard time with that realization.

[whichwayisup]

I know next time I will be leery of someone that tells me I am "perfect". That's why my recent ex did. It was 6 weeks in and he was starry eyed and he told me everything about me was absolutely perfect. What a great amount of pressure to measure up to that expectation. Of course I was perfect- we had sexual attraction and we barely knew one another, so both of us were on our best behaviour. What an expecation to live up to though. I think the first time I did something that alerted him that I wasn't everything he wanted me to be he started losing interest.

 

I remember telling him that night, geez buddy, I am far from perfect- but he wanted me to be, and I was bound to disappoint.

 

Part I bolded..Honeymoon phase. Everybody does this.. Though most learn that the sh.it does stink, everybody's poo's are stinky! Until a relationship is established and both feel comfortable, that's when flaws are exposed and trust is built, being able to be okay and accept one another and not want to run. That's normal ..

[whichwayisup]

You're right P, none of us are.

 

One thing I can't get over is that I know how much relief he felt when he was finally able to shut the door on me. I just told someone else tonight that I am having such a hard time reconciling with the fact that I was so hard to be around that someone felt so much relief to not have me in their life anymore.

 

Pregnant or not, this guy wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I can't help but ruminate over that. And now he's out there enjoying his life just relieved he doesn't have to interact with me anymore.

I'm having a hard time with that realization.

 

Do you know this as a fact? Did he tell you this or is this assumed? Just wondering.

If that is the case, then the guy was/is a BUMhole.

[pandagirl]

You're right P, none of us are.

 

One thing I can't get over is that I know how much relief he felt when he was finally able to shut the door on me. I just told someone else tonight that I am having such a hard time reconciling with the fact that I was so hard to be around that someone felt so much relief to not have me in their life anymore.

 

Pregnant or not, this guy wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I can't help but ruminate over that. And now he's out there enjoying his life just relieved he doesn't have to interact with me anymore.

 

I'm having a hard time with that realization.

 

D, you have to realize how distorted your thinking is right now. You are essentially making up stories and believing they are reality. You have no idea that he is out enjoying his life right now. The fact is, you don't know, because you 1) are not talking to him 2) do not see him and 3) are not a mind reader!

 

Also, he is not "relieved" to have you out of his life. If anything, he is he feeling relief from not having to deal with *his* issues and the uncomfortable feelings that he's unable to reconcile with. THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM. NOT YOU!!!!!

[desertIslandCactus]

You're right P, none of us are.

 

One thing I can't get over is that I know how much relief he felt when he was finally able to shut the door on me. I just told someone else tonight that I am having such a hard time reconciling with the fact that I was so hard to be around that someone felt so much relief to not have me in their life anymore.

 

Pregnant or not, this guy wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I can't help but ruminate over that. And now he's out there enjoying his life just relieved he doesn't have to interact with me anymore.

 

I'm having a hard time with that realization.

 

You may to be looking at what appears to be in the moment, rather than in his future.

 

I'm sure my H felt the same at the time he left - But words cannot describe what he got himself into ..

 

As someone mentioned earlier: the stages of grief. As you probably know from your D, it's a matter of getting through the diff stages until you realize that God has so much more for you .. And as a woman who does not have to settle for less.

[D-Lish]

Do you know this as a fact? Did he tell you this or is this assumed? Just wondering.

If that is the case, then the guy was/is a BUMhole.

 

He didn't tell me- but I know.

He felt bad for hurting me- but I saw it in his eyes that he just wanted me to go away.

 

I know logically that he was never going to be capable of being the right guy for me- but his rejection of me is such a hard thing to deal with.

 

I was so needy the last couple of months- the pregnancy really took a toll on me. It just hurts so much that as soon as the pregnancy ended that he started bolting from me.

 

I know some of that is his issue- but I can't deny that I really did push and push him away until he didn't want to spend another moment in my presence.

 

It's just so hard to think back to those first few months where he just showered me with so much attention. He made me feel so safe and secure- and of course I was the ideal gf, because I felt safe in being that gf for him- because HE made me feel safe.

 

He couldn't get enough of me in those first few months. Then I got pregnant and everything fell apart and somehow we ended up on two opposite sides of a door with him feeling relief and me feeling devastated.

[whichwayisup]

He didn't tell me- but I know.

He felt bad for hurting me- but I saw it in his eyes that he just wanted me to go away.

 

Commitment phobe that he is, but deep down he is hurting too, though he'll never admit that to you. You may have seen relief in his eyes, but it has nothing to do with you, it's something in him. His flaw.

 

I could be wrong here, but your truth and how you see things may not be his truth and how he sees things and how he felt things.

 

Sadly it was a combo case of too much happened too quickly and him being who he is, a CP, and he balked.

 

It upsets me how he hurt you! I want to kick his slimy ass.

 

**Then again, what do you expect, he was a Hab fan, right??** OK sorry if that offends anybody..lol

[D-Lish]

Commitment phobe that he is, but deep down he is hurting too, though he'll never admit that to you. You may have seen relief in his eyes, but it has nothing to do with you, it's something in him. His flaw.

 

I could be wrong here, but your truth and how you see things may not be his truth and how he sees things and how he felt things.

 

Sadly it was a combo case of too much happened too quickly and him being who he is, a CP, and he balked.

 

It upsets me how he hurt you! I want to kick his slimy ass.

 

**Then again, what do you expect, he was a Hab fan, right??** OK sorry if that offends anybody..lol

 

Thanks pretty one.

You always say the right things.

 

"Habs fan= bad news":cool:

 

I am so sensitive- really truly sensitive, it's my downfall.

 

I know he has commitment issues, and I know he is isn't the right guy for me. I just want to reconcile with my sadness and the reality of the situation.

 

I picture his face and I want to burst into tears. I just remember how he looked at me in the beginning, and how he didn't look at me in the end. So confusing.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're right P, none of us are.

 

One thing I can't get over is that I know how much relief he felt when he was finally able to shut the door on me. I just told someone else tonight that I am having such a hard time reconciling with the fact that I was so hard to be around that someone felt so much relief to not have me in their life anymore.

 

Pregnant or not, this guy wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I can't help but ruminate over that. And now he's out there enjoying his life just relieved he doesn't have to interact with me anymore.

 

I'm having a hard time with that realization.

 

Ohhhkkay,

 

You haven't played ball with too many boys with attachment disorders have you?

 

D-Lish, you are actually personalizing something here that couldn't be more impersonal.

 

Some men have a busted intimacy template (and your bad kisser-doggy style only guy fits the bill perfectly with his whole conflict-avoidance-can't-end-a-relationship-he-isn't-healthy-in stance). Whew, how's that for a run-on sentence.

 

This means that intimacy and conflict cause them anxiety. Often sexually especially. They have sex to get their rocks off, but the connection parts don't kick in too well because of the anxiety.

 

Anyways, I digress...many men with these issues avoid intimacy altogether because they cannot emotionally process it without the anxiety attached. They crave a relationship and a companion and it looks great and comforting far away, then when they get too close, the fear kicks in. They can't get attached, lest that woman have too much power over him, or sees what they really are (whatever that is they are deeply ashamed of it), or their woman that they grew attached to leaves them. Whatever the underlying intimacy fear/trauma is.

 

If your are really lucky you get a guy that avoids intimacy right in the relationship and, oh, I don't know.....becomes a total porn addict and then you have to ship his ass off to treatment.

 

The whole point here is this:

 

Guy wants companion, guy meets companion, guy gets rush of dopamine/oxytocin/vasopressin, guys limbic system thinks it hit the jackpot, guy opens wide open with huge expectations, guy discovers slightly imperfect human, guy's limbic system goes haywire and creates anxiety and/or intensity, guy emotionally withdraws and avoids, {guy avoids real issues because he doesn't have to capacity to process them much less deal with them, guy becomes ashamed over his own issues, guy becomes more sexually/intimately avoidant, guy feels more shame} the cycle in the squiggly brackets repeats itself until it kills the relationship.

 

Conversely the girl often clings a little harder when the guy pulls back making him go even more haywire.

 

Trust me D-Lish, this guy didn't want you to exit. He's even been in touch since which for these guys is like moving an emotional mountain! He wanted the intimacy to exit because he didn't have the capacity for a normal relationship, much less a pregnancy. With the intimacy gone, the conflict leaves too. Less fear, anxiety, tension and stuff to avoid. Now he doesn't have to look at his internal shame, until next time. Or until he figures it out and decides to deal with it.

 

If you notice the "guy does this, guy does that" timeline, the girl doesn't really seem to matter in it, she could be nice or crazy or whatever. It is the guy's template and the guy's cycle. There are impressively few women that can crack it in any capacity, it can be done, but you practically need a PhD and be able to tolerate all the tests and garbage. If you aren't together very long, it just isn't worth it.

 

He might be a nice guy etc. but relationally he is more of a complex cycle then a person. Hear it, believe it. His behaviour, actions and feelings have less to do with who you are then what his template is set at.

 

I am not going to give you the "he lost a great gal and chin up" speech.

 

Simply: he would lose every girl to avoidance and indifference eventually unless they were severely co-dependent.

[dreamingoftigers]

And seriously D-Lish, a Habs fan?!? You were practically asking for it.

[desertIslandCactus]

Ohhhkkay,

 

You haven't played ball with too many boys with attachment disorders have you?

 

D-Lish, you are actually personalizing something here that couldn't be more impersonal.

 

Some men have a busted intimacy template (and your bad kisser-doggy style only guy fits the bill perfectly with his whole conflict-avoidance-can't-end-a-relationship-he-isn't-healthy-in stance). Whew, how's that for a run-on sentence.

 

This means that intimacy and conflict cause them anxiety. Often sexually especially. They have sex to get their rocks off, but the connection parts don't kick in too well because of the anxiety.

 

Anyways, I digress...many men with these issues avoid intimacy altogether because they cannot emotionally process it without the anxiety attached. They crave a relationship and a companion and it looks great and comforting far away, then when they get too close, the fear kicks in. They can't get attached, lest that woman have too much power over him, or sees what they really are (whatever that is they are deeply ashamed of it), or their woman that they grew attached to leaves them. Whatever the underlying intimacy fear/trauma is.

 

If your are really lucky you get a guy that avoids intimacy right in the relationship and, oh, I don't know.....becomes a total porn addict and then you have to ship his ass off to treatment.

 

The whole point here is this:

 

Guy wants companion, guy meets companion, guy gets rush of dopamine/oxytocin/vasopressin, guys limbic system thinks it hit the jackpot, guy opens wide open with huge expectations, guy discovers slightly imperfect human, guy's limbic system goes haywire and creates anxiety and/or intensity, guy emotionally withdraws and avoids, {guy avoids real issues because he doesn't have to capacity to process them much less deal with them, guy becomes ashamed over his own issues, guy becomes more sexually/intimately avoidant, guy feels more shame} the cycle in the squiggly brackets repeats itself until it kills the relationship.

 

Conversely the girl often clings a little harder when the guy pulls back making him go even more haywire.

 

Trust me D-Lish, this guy didn't want you to exit. He's even been in touch since which for these guys is like moving an emotional mountain! He wanted the intimacy to exit because he didn't have the capacity for a normal relationship, much less a pregnancy. With the intimacy gone, the conflict leaves too. Less fear, anxiety, tension and stuff to avoid. Now he doesn't have to look at his internal shame, until next time. Or until he figures it out and decides to deal with it.

 

If you notice the "guy does this, guy does that" timeline, the girl doesn't really seem to matter in it, she could be nice or crazy or whatever. It is the guy's template and the guy's cycle. There are impressively few women that can crack it in any capacity, it can be done, but you practically need a PhD and be able to tolerate all the tests and garbage. If you aren't together very long, it just isn't worth it.

 

He might be a nice guy etc. but relationally he is more of a complex cycle then a person. Hear it, believe it. His behaviour, actions and feelings have less to do with who you are then what his template is set at.

 

I am not going to give you the "he lost a great gal and chin up" speech.

 

Simply: he would lose every girl to avoidance and indifference eventually unless they were severely co-dependent.

 

DOT and WW .. Great posts..

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT and WW .. Great posts..

 

Well, we aren't Habs fans.

 

TY

[Olivia1966]

I always felt like being adopted was like fetching a day old piece of bread off of the shelf because the good stuff was sold out- so you get what you can get.

 

That's the saddest thing I've read . . . possibly ever.

[desertIslandCactus]

That's the saddest thing I've read . . . possibly ever.

 

And one of the most untrue visualizations. (shaking my head) ..

[dreamingoftigers]

D-Lish,

 

About the adoption.

 

Your mother could not conceive etc.

 

This means that she wanted a child so badly that she adopted you.

 

Do you think that when she looked at you and held you and raised you that she sat down and thought: *sigh* "it's just not biological, silver medal."

 

Or do you think that she might have been so grateful to even have the option of raising a child and that you came along by another means. Do you not think that she was grateful even that your mother gave you up?

 

She was institutionalized (well, whatever you call it) for a year! You probably healed so much of her broken heart!

 

I was told for 10 years that I would not be able to conceive and my heart was quite broken for awhile (I had one miscarriage). I came to accept it eventually.

 

Funny thing is, human maternal instinct is pretty sharp. We ended up adopting dogs. 2 of them, hoping to breed them when they got older. Well the girl went into heat and we strapped a diaper on her, the make kept trying to get it off.

 

Eventually we put a diaper and duct-taped it up so that he couldn't just slide it off of her or try to get through it.

 

Well it turns out that his instinct beat out our duct tape and other separating measures. I won't go into much detail but I will say that we did a whole bunch to stop him from winning that argument.

 

10 puppies later, we kept 2 more dogs. Everyone got fixed, right away! Luckily we were in a great rural area and the dogs were a great working breed so they were in demand and treated very well. I followed up with everyone and was very pleased with how they turned out (except one which is why we ended up keeping 2 puppies).

 

Those dogs were my children, especially the girl dog (the mother). I didn't feel a loss for not having a child because they were wonderful, developing and affectionate.

 

When I became pregnant I fought tooth and nail to keep them all. But we couldn't keep the male (the father) because he was so high-strung and we lived in a one-bedroom apartment by that time. It was sheer brutality giving him up. I still grieve.

 

The two babies (I really don't want to get into it. Most owners wouldn't have had a problem surrendering but tbh the story (even though it is totally normal and common and "just fine") recalling it breaks my heart because they were "my girls." In fact I sobbed about them yesterday again. I think about them often.

 

The mother is still with me. TBH I do love her like a daughter, it is just really weirdly different is all. I think it is weird but I think it is because I got her just just before my miscarriage and when I was sobbing over it, she came up to me (about 6 weeks old and 5 lbs!) and she licked me a bunch on the nose and just cuddled up to me. I told her that she was "my little girl now." I never expected to have a human infant, much less my own.

 

But I didn't feel a loss by having dogs. I didn't look at them and feel disappointed that they weren't children. Dog owners that don't have children are a nutty breed themselves. We show each other dog pictures at the park and brag about how fast they sit etc. So funny.

 

I still pretty much feel like I have two kids (one of them is black...and my husband is blonde....hmm ). I know rationally that my daughter is my daughter and that her development is king to me etc. And no, I don't look at them as sisters.

 

My point is.... that I am clearly insane..

 

Oh wait, no, my actual point is....if I didn't feel a tinge of disappointment by adopting dogs, do you think that your mother felt a tinge of disappointment or a "second best" by adopting a real, live, breathing beautiful little girl that she could raise and be proud of?

 

Really?

 

BTW my dog is awesome.