Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Just my same ol', same ol' patter about not fearing loss. If you consider relationships, they're intended to enrich two people's lives. If it's only enriching one or none, what's the purpose of being in that relationship for the individual(s) who's life isn't being enriched? As well, people fear losing the other person so much, that they won't speak their minds when something is concerning or annoys them. But if you don't speak your mind, then how will the other person know? Also, notice how things build within you when you can't speak your mind? Fear of loss is a zero sum game. Don't fear loss. The thing is, I think I'm actually semi-good at being in relationships. I can communicate well, and in my last relationship, I was not afraid to speak my mind and set boundaries. But at some point he didn't want to compromise anymore. Things got too hard. And that's when he left. I think that's what I was most hurt about -- I was the one in the end who was compromising and doing all the work. BUT, I can't let fear get in the way of how I live my life, which I often do. If something doesn't work out, I just need to take the experience for what it was, and not feel like such a failure. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 The thing is, I think I'm actually semi-good at being in relationships. I can communicate well, and in my last relationship, I was not afraid to speak my mind and set boundaries. But at some point he didn't want to compromise anymore. Things got too hard. And that's when he left. I think that's what I was most hurt about -- I was the one in the end who was compromising and doing all the work. BUT, I can't let fear get in the way of how I live my life, which I often do. If something doesn't work out, I just need to take the experience for what it was, and not feel like such a failure. Sometimes you can't help but feel like a failure. There are some experiences that just hurt. However, you will heal with time. I don't really have any advice for you. To my thinking you do most things right. You seem like a really good person who has had some unintentionally bad matches. I hope things your next relationship goes well. You deserve that. Maybe focus on dating someone with a very similar personality type. That has helped me... I hope. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Just a note on speaking up. I don't have such a good experience with it. In early stages of relationship, speaking up often leads to conflict and drama which makes men distance themselves. I am having better results with just going with the flow until one of my boundaries is seriously violated.There's a balance with this, like anything else. Point out every single thing and you're going to give the impression that you don't respect him, that you've got a negative image of him. But if there are that many problems this points to two things. That either you're someone who's always negative or that he's the wrong guy for you. The thing is, I think I'm actually semi-good at being in relationships. I can communicate well, and in my last relationship, I was not afraid to speak my mind and set boundaries. But at some point he didn't want to compromise anymore. Things got too hard. And that's when he left. I think that's what I was most hurt about -- I was the one in the end who was compromising and doing all the work. BUT, I can't let fear get in the way of how I live my life, which I often do. If something doesn't work out, I just need to take the experience for what it was, and not feel like such a failure.The bolded. Can you expand on this? Weren't there times where you or he rolled over? Was it always a compromise and how many compromises needed to be made? Overall, how reasonable were both your issues? Were they resolved at the time and permanently laid to rest or did they keep cropping up after resolution? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) The bolded. Can you expand on this? Weren't there times where you or he rolled over? Was it always a compromise and how many compromises needed to be made? Overall, how reasonable were both your issues? Were they resolved at the time and permanently laid to rest or did they keep cropping up after resolution? I think we were both at fault. (Also, I think that fact we were only together two months before he moved away was a huge detriment to the relationship, obviously.) OK, a good example of how we didn't work. Our first real fight came about after 5-6 months of dating. I wanted to figure out and buy tickets to go visit him, and he wouldn't take the time to commit to a date, because of his work schedule. I let it go for a bit, trying to be understanding of his stress, but eventually we got into a huge fight over it. I was kind of shocked at the way he responded. He said things like, "You always want the control and it's not going to be like that with me!" and "I need someone who understands the way I am!" He became incredibly dismissive and not very nice. In my head, it was like, this should be a FUN thing to plan. We'll get to be together and I explained that to him, but once he got past a certain point, it was like nothing could get through to him. He was deaf to my words. But this was indicative of all of our fighting up to the very end. I feel like I'd try to calmly communicate something I was having a problem with, and he would say one sentence, the conversation would be over, and that was it. But because the core issue never *actually* got sussed out, I'd repeatedly bring it up again, which only pushed him away more and more. This just eventually led to our breakup. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other, it was because we couldn't fight properly or communicate about what was going on. He'd just start getting angry, which in turn would make me upset and cry. I did become incredibly clingy and needy towards the end (which is so unlike me and embarrassing to think about the things I did), but he pushed me away so far, that that is what happened. I needed to feel like I was being heard, and I felt like I never was. I was never really his or *a* priority to him, I think. His #1 priority was always himself, and I feel like once I didn't fit into what worked for him, it was over. Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault. I know it wasn't, but it's natural for me to think this way. Edited March 30, 2011 by pandagirl Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I think we were both at fault. (Also, I think that fact we were only together two months before he moved away was a huge detriment to the relationship, obviously.) OK, a good example of how we didn't work. Our first real fight came about after 5-6 months of dating. I wanted to figure out and buy tickets to go visit him, and he wouldn't take the time to commit to a date, because of his work schedule. I let it go for a bit, trying to be understanding of his stress, but eventually we got into a huge fight over it. I was kind of shocked at the way he responded. He said things like, "You always want the control and it's not going to be like that with me!" and "I need someone who understands the way I am!" He became incredibly dismissive and not very nice. In my head, it was like, this should be a FUN thing to plan. We'll get to be together and I explained that to him, but once he got past a certain point, it was like nothing could get through to him. He was deaf to my words. But this was indicative of all of our fighting up to the very end. I feel like I'd try to calmly communicate something I was having a problem with, and he would say one sentence, the conversation would be over, and that was it. But because the core issue never *actually* got sussed out, I'd repeatedly bring it up again, which only pushed him away more and more. This just eventually led to our breakup. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other, it was because we couldn't fight properly or communicate about what was going on. He'd just start getting angry, which in turn would make me upset and cry. Based on what you describe, Panda, it sounds like you broke up because he just didn't prioritize you or value your relationship the same way he did. I think you're taking on too much responsibility for communication issues, when in reality it sounds like he just lost that lovin' feelin'... it happens, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 A bit off topic... Just wondering if INFP + INTJ relationship can work? (my current one) He is only 1% in favor of being INTJ over INFJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Based on what you describe, Panda, it sounds like you broke up because he just didn't prioritize you or value your relationship the same way he did. I think you're taking on too much responsibility for communication issues, when in reality it sounds like he just lost that lovin' feelin'... it happens, ya know? I'm can be a pretty cynical person when it comes to myself, but I do believe that he did value our relationship and that he did really love me. I mean, I lost that loving feeling in the end, too, but I wanted try to save it. As for prioritizing, he told me from the very beginning that his career was his number one priority (hence him moving). I just didn't know he meant it so literally. He is a very intense person when it comes to work, I came to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 A bit off topic... Just wondering if INFP + INTJ relationship can work? (my current one) He is only 1% in favor of being INTJ over INFJ C'mon, ES. Play nice and start your own thread. This is about Panda and her relationship, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I'm can be a pretty cynical person when it comes to myself, but I do believe that he did value our relationship and that he did really love me. I mean, I lost that loving feeling in the end, too, but I wanted try to save it. As for prioritizing, he told me from the very beginning that his career was his number one priority (hence him moving). I just didn't know he meant it so literally. He is a very intense person when it comes to work, I came to find out. I said he didn't prioritize you or your relationship the way you did. Not that he didn't value you or value you on the whole, but your priorities were very different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I said he didn't prioritize you or your relationship the way you did. Not that he didn't value you or value you on the whole, but your priorities were very different. For sure. I just put too much weight on the words he told me. It made me think he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 For sure. I just put too much weight on the words he told me. It made me think he did. We've all been guilty of listening too intently, rather than paying attention to actions. Don't beat yourself up over it. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 panda, was your ex expecting a traditional relationship? ES, be careful to not emotionally blast INTJs. They'll turtle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 panda, was your ex expecting a traditional relationship? Do you mean in terms of gender roles? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Do you mean in terms of gender roles?Yes. Did he expect to wear the pants? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 panda, was your ex expecting a traditional relationship? ES, be careful to not emotionally blast INTJs. They'll turtle. LOL "emotionally blast" - good expression. (sorry pandagirl) Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yes. Did he expect to wear the pants? Wow, you really called him out. You're good! Honestly, even though he said he wanted an independent, strong woman, he also wants a Woman, someone who will cater to him. He has a Latin background (not trying to stereotype though), and is the only and eldest son of his family. There were a few things he did in the beginning of our relationship that set off some red flags in me. One was how he said if we ever had daughters, we'd have to get their ears pierced when they were babies. I argued that point, and he basically said, "If I'm their father, it's going to happen." Other little things: he never offered to wash the dishes when I cooked. He never bothered to lift a finger. He really liked it when I "babied" him, like bringing him a drink or whatever. And since this is in my nature to do so -- to take care of people -- it came naturally. He is and wants to be the dominant person. He admired me because I am a strong, smart woman, with ambition and a mind of my own, but I remember whenever we would fight, he'd say, "Ugh, it's because we're too much alike," which I took to mean, that I wasn't a pushover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 LOL "emotionally blast" - good expression. (sorry pandagirl) Oh, I don't care. You should just hit up some MBTI sites to find out more information. Google! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yes. Did he expect to wear the pants? Also, how did you figure that out by what I wrote? Very perceptive, TBF! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Other little things: he never offered to wash the dishes when I cooked. He never bothered to lift a finger. He really liked it when I "babied" him, like bringing him a drink or whatever. And since this is in my nature to do so -- to take care of people -- it came naturally. Did the bolded bother you? I understand the desire and natural tendency to take care of others, but for me that would have ended at cooking the meal. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 LOL "emotionally blast" - good expression. (sorry pandagirl)Thanks. Most NTs are like that, except for ENTPs. They enjoy emotional blasts but what will happen, is that they'll mess with your mind, once they know about your vulnerabilities. Wow, you really called him out. You're good! Honestly, even though he said he wanted an independent, strong woman, he also wants a Woman, someone who will cater to him. He has a Latin background (not trying to stereotype though), and is the only and eldest son of his family. There were a few things he did in the beginning of our relationship that set off some red flags in me. One was how he said if we ever had daughters, we'd have to get their ears pierced when they were babies. I argued that point, and he basically said, "If I'm their father, it's going to happen." Other little things: he never offered to wash the dishes when I cooked. He never bothered to lift a finger. He really liked it when I "babied" him, like bringing him a drink or whatever. And since this is in my nature to do so -- to take care of people -- it came naturally. He is and wants to be the dominant person. He admired me because I am a strong, smart woman, with ambition and a mind of my own, but I remember whenever we would fight, he'd say, "Ugh, it's because we're too much alike," which I took to mean, that I wasn't a pushover.Thought so. It was the way he reacted when you were trying to discuss your trip. Sounds like he needed someone who would question him less. I kind of understand him somewhat since H. and I are both like that. We communicate almost by shorthand. Terse sentences and clipped thoughts, where it's assumed that other person understands everything underlying. Once something's been resolved, don't bring it up again unless there's new information. You on the otherhand, question and examine everything. What might work better for you is to find someone who also enjoys questioning and examining everything. Just some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Did the bolded bother you? I understand the desire and natural tendency to take care of others, but for me that would have ended at cooking the meal. Yes, it did. Thought so. It was the way he reacted when you were trying to discuss your trip. Sounds like he needed someone who would question him less. I kind of understand him somewhat since H. and I are both like that. We communicate almost by shorthand. Terse sentences and clipped thoughts, where it's assumed that other person understands everything underlying. Once something's been resolved, don't bring it up again unless there's new information. You on the otherhand, question and examine everything. What might work better for you is to find someone who also enjoys questioning and examining everything. Just some thoughts. In my head, I'm thinking, I need someone who I wouldn't have to question so MUCH! I agree with the "once something is resolved, it's over" idea. But we never... resolved anything. I don't think I'd be able to handle someone like me. Did I ever reveal that once, when he was drunk, he told me: "I will dominate you and subject you at will"? Because he did. I think I've repressed that memory until now. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Did I ever reveal that once, when he was drunk, he told me: "I will dominate you and subject you at will"? Because he did. I think I've repressed that memory until now. I actually vaguely remember you saying that... Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 In my head, I'm thinking, I need someone who I wouldn't have to question so MUCH!Have you met anyone like that yet? I agree with the "once something is resolved, it's over" idea. But we never... resolved anything. Yes, from the sounds of it, this is where his traditionalism interfered. He's da' man... I don't think I'd be able to handle someone like me. Oh, not just like you but someone who listens and returns thoughts in a gentle way, a bouncing back and forth of ideas and concepts, in seriousness and in play. Did I ever reveal that once, when he was drunk, he told me: "I will dominate you and subject you at will"? Because he did. I think I've repressed that memory until now.Oh..oh...frightening. Did you call him the Dominator? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I actually vaguely remember you saying that... Oh, and how his sexual fantasy was for me to be with another man. Oh god. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Oh..oh...frightening. Did you call him the Dominator? HAHA. NO! At the time, it did weird me out though, He was never able to dominate me anyway. I may be sensitive and introspective, but a weakling, I am not. I stick to my guns. Link to post Share on other sites
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