I'm attracted to the wrong type of guy :/

[Untouchable_Fire]

I put way less stock in MB than y'all do. But then I don't test consistently as any one thing anyway. I think every variable has changed except the E, depending on when I tested.

 

I also agree with this gem Nexus One provided.

 

Mostly, men will wait for the woman to connect to them emotionally, and good men will really be happy and thankful for this connection. However, they're rarely uber-proactive about it. They simply aren't taught/socialized to be. Think about how men connect with each other and how male friendships work.

 

I agree with both statements. I usually test as ENFP... but it seems only the E is solid.

 

Also men are not really trained to be emotional alike that. When I was punished... my father would continue the spanking until I stopped crying. To this day it takes a death for me to shed tears.

 

Someone once posted a guy doing a speech about our emotions being forced to conform to a "man box". I believe that is true... and I believe women reinforce that box just as much if not more than men. Nobody likes a guy that cries.

[threebyfate]

haha. I have the head of an INFJ and the heart of an INFP. Logic versus emotion, both sides are very strong for me. My best friend (a psychologist, a good one) tells me that I've always tried to understand my feelings, rather than just feeling them.

Not even sure you have the heart of an INFP. You're very INFJ.

 

That might be it, part of the disconnect. In attempting to understand the emotions, it's possible that you're not necessarily ascribing them to an accurate source.

 

I do strongly encourage you to listen to Kamille. You two do resonate in similar fashion.

 

I remember trying to break through to Kamille too which somewhat frustrated both of us to some degree. While her wall wasn't the same as your glass one, her logical process of arriving at conclusions/solutions might help you arrive at yours. For sure I think differently than both of you.

[Kamille]

 

I remember trying to break through to Kamille too which somewhat frustrated both of us to some degree.

 

I don't remember that at all. I do remember having moments, especially in phase 2 of the process I suggested to Panda above, where I would think WWTBFD? What would TBF do?

 

It sure helped me a lot in learning to step away from fear, accept myself and what I had to offer, and asserting my boundaries openly.

 

It's amazing how much not fearing loss, being open and assertive makes a difference in establishing a healthy relationship.

 

So, really, thanks TBF. A lot of what you said did get through.

[pandagirl]

Not even sure you have the heart of an INFP. You're very INFJ.

 

That might be it, part of the disconnect. In attempting to understand the emotions, it's possible that you're not necessarily ascribing them to an accurate source.

 

I do strongly encourage you to listen to Kamille. You two do resonate in similar fashion.

 

I remember trying to break through to Kamille too which somewhat frustrated both of us to some degree. While her wall wasn't the same as your glass one, her logical process of arriving at conclusions/solutions might help you arrive at yours. For sure I think differently than both of you.

 

I do think too much about how I am feeling, which probably does prevent me from getting to the root of things.

 

What do you mean by glass wall?

 

I *wish* I thought like you!

[tigressA]

Haha, I just took that test and I'm also INFJ.

 

Panda, I can identify with some of what you've said in this thread. There have been many times when I've wondered if a guy I was dating really cares as much as I do. I have issues with trust and I'm scared of being vulnerable with a guy I'm dating, thinking they'll ditch me if I seem too "into" them.

 

Kamille's given you a lot of great advice, and I second it. In my current relationship, we haven't been together for too long but so far it's the best I've had. For the first time in awhile I haven't been afraid to really talk with someone and show them how much I truly care instead of holding back. I learned, from the disaster with my ex, that there's no benefit to being afraid. I think that in many situations, people can suss that out in their partners (like your ex did by saying you didn't trust him). Some take advantage of it, making you feel even worse, like my ex did. When you're not wondering about how much your partner cares, you're having so much more fun--and that naturally makes you attractive, which brings your partner closer to you.

[pandagirl]

I don't remember that at all. I do remember having moments, especially in phase 2 of the process I suggested to Panda above, where I would think WWTBFD? What would TBF do?

 

It sure helped me a lot in learning to step away from fear, accept myself and what I had to offer, and asserting my boundaries openly.

 

It's amazing how much not fearing loss, being open and assertive makes a difference in establishing a healthy relationship.

 

So, really, thanks TBF. A lot of what you said did get through.

 

This is what I need to learn! Accept myself and what I have to offer.

[Kamille]

Haha, I just took that test and I'm also INFJ.

 

 

Yes! High five. I'm not surprised at all! I totally relate to your propensity for introspection and to your capacity to analyze multiple points of view before making a decision.

 

I think one of the challenges the three of us face is that we're often so accepting of our partner's points of views, so prone to introspection and so bent on self-improvement that we struggle to see where our own boundaries are (or that our boundaries are acceptable). But then again, maybe I'm just projecting onto you two.

[threebyfate]

I don't remember that at all. I do remember having moments, especially in phase 2 of the process I suggested to Panda above, where I would think WWTBFD? What would TBF do?

 

It sure helped me a lot in learning to step away from fear, accept myself and what I had to offer, and asserting my boundaries openly.

 

It's amazing how much not fearing loss, being open and assertive makes a difference in establishing a healthy relationship.

 

So, really, thanks TBF. A lot of what you said did get through.

Thanks Kamille, although my methodology back then was too focused on getting through. More blunt force trauma to get to the heart of things. You had to find it in your own way, not necessarily in a waste no time, path straight through. But then, that's just our differences in handling problems where neither is "right" or "wrong".

 

I do think too much about how I am feeling, which probably does prevent me from getting to the root of things.

 

What do you mean by glass wall?

 

I *wish* I thought like you!

Okay, plse bear with me. It's difficult to put into words the pictorial concept.

 

It's like I know there's something underneath. But when I try to get to that something, it feels like I go skittering off the surface, sometimes left field, other times right. But I still know that I'm going in the wrong direction, that what's underneath is in that direction. *points to original place*

 

Now what that something is, I can't tell until you open up, like you've now done. My prior caution was to ensure that while you're feeling vulnerable with being more open, that I don't inadvertently hurt you through bluntness.

[Kamille]

This is what I need to learn! Accept myself and what I have to offer.

 

One acronym:

 

WWTBFD?

[tigressA]

Yes! High five. I'm not surprised at all! I totally relate to your propensity for introspection and to your capacity to analyze multiple points of view before making a decision.

 

I think one of the challenges the three of us face is that we're often so accepting of our partner's points of views, so prone to introspection and so bent on self-improvement that we struggle to see where our own boundaries are (or that our boundaries are acceptable). But then again, maybe I'm just projecting onto you two.

 

I totally get what you're saying here. I do tend to be really accepting of my partner's POV, and then sometimes I'm left thinking, "Wait, where is my boundary again?" When I really care about someone I tend to shy away from confrontation, probably due to a fear of loss, and I end up downplaying my boundaries.

 

I have been so much better with that in my current R. If I'm upset about something, I tell him, we have it out, it gets resolved, we have great sex. He's told me that I'm sexy when I'm angry and tell him what's what, so that certainly helps.

[Isolde]

Another INFJ here... Nothing substantive to add to this thread, but I find it a fascinating collection of thoughts and ideas.

 

Panda, for all your talk about your people picker, sometimes analyzing it leads to more problems than clarity. Perhaps giving some serious thought to what makes you happy and fulfilled would give you more leads. Also, sometimes one doesn't find the answer to the latter question by self-analysis alone.

[Isolde]

TBF, could you expand on your fear of loss methodology? You have me really curious.

[johan]

Hey! I'm a INFP too, and ironically my girlfriend is also an INFP.

 

How is that ironic? Did you mean "coincidentally"?

[Kamille]

Another INFJ here... Nothing substantive to add to this thread, but I find it a fascinating collection of thoughts and ideas.

 

Panda, for all your talk about your people picker, sometimes analyzing it leads to more problems than clarity. Perhaps giving some serious thought to what makes you happy and fulfilled would give you more leads. Also, sometimes one doesn't find the answer to the latter question by self-analysis alone.

 

Great advice.

 

Isolde, it feels like it's been so long! (How are you?) And again, I'm not surprised you're INFJ. Reflective yet spontaneous.

[Isolde]

Thanks K! I'm around, I lurk the boards but don't really post often. As for MBTI, I've been typed as other things too but ultimately decided to choose the one I felt was the closest fit.

[pandagirl]

Another INFJ here... Nothing substantive to add to this thread, but I find it a fascinating collection of thoughts and ideas.

 

Panda, for all your talk about your people picker, sometimes analyzing it leads to more problems than clarity. Perhaps giving some serious thought to what makes you happy and fulfilled would give you more leads. Also, sometimes one doesn't find the answer to the latter question by self-analysis alone.

 

Word up!

 

In the great words of one of my friend: "You just need to relax."

[tigressA]

Word up!

 

In the great words of one of my friend: "You just need to relax."

 

I hear that on average about once a day! My response is always "I AM relaxed!"

[welikeincrowds]

I wish I had the magical piece of advice that would make your fears go away. But you understand and explain the issue better than I could. And maybe clarity on your thought processes is all you need.

 

The issue of trust, however, is one that comes along once you are dating and ready to commit. I suggest the following plan:

1) Make sure you're in a headspace where you enjoy meeting men and dating. In my case, it involved friends teaching me how to flirt. Believe me, once you know how, you'll wonder why you were ever hesitant to flirt in the first place.

2) Once you meet a worthy candidate, work on establishing a good foundation, where the needs and boundaries of each are expressed, heard and respected.

3) Once in an exclusive relationship, give your future beau the room to show you he cares as much about the relationship as you do. This will have the double benefit of ensuring he does care as much as you do and making the relationship more balanced, as you will both be active in making decisions about the relationship. You will have, in other words, to not give in to your fears that you are unloved. The benefit will be that the question will become irrelevant because you will know whether or not your relationship is loving. (And if it's not, you'll treck on out of there).

 

This is just the cutest plan. It is "so INFJ"!

[Kamille]

This is just the cutest plan. It is "so INFJ"!

 

I can't wait to hear Pandagirl's reports on adventures in flirting.

[threebyfate]

TBF, could you expand on your fear of loss methodology? You have me really curious.

Just my same ol', same ol' patter about not fearing loss.

 

If you consider relationships, they're intended to enrich two people's lives. If it's only enriching one or none, what's the purpose of being in that relationship for the individual(s) who's life isn't being enriched?

 

As well, people fear losing the other person so much, that they won't speak their minds when something is concerning or annoys them. But if you don't speak your mind, then how will the other person know? Also, notice how things build within you when you can't speak your mind?

 

Fear of loss is a zero sum game. Don't fear loss.

[threebyfate]

This is just the cutest plan. It is "so INFJ"!

Don't be so NTP, leaning E but not sure about that.

[welikeincrowds]

Don't be so NTP, leaning E but not sure about that.

 

****, you're good.

[Isolde]

Just my same ol', same ol' patter about not fearing loss.

 

If you consider relationships, they're intended to enrich two people's lives. If it's only enriching one or none, what's the purpose of being in that relationship for the individual(s) who's life isn't being enriched?

 

As well, people fear losing the other person so much, that they won't speak their minds when something is concerning or annoys them. But if you don't speak your mind, then how will the other person know? Also, notice how things build within you when you can't speak your mind?

 

Fear of loss is a zero sum game. Don't fear loss.

 

Thanks for the recap. This is foundational since people deep down know the fear's irrational, yet in so many of us it's ingrained and becomes more powerful than rationality.

[threebyfate]

****, you're good.

Cool. Thanks for verifying.

 

Thanks for the recap. This is foundational since people deep down know the fear's irrational, yet in so many of us it's ingrained and becomes more powerful than rationality.

You're welcome. My opinion is that it goes beyond foundational, more instinctual.

 

But cavemen and women didn't have computers or toilets and yet, most of us use both.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just a note on speaking up. I don't have such a good experience with it. In early stages of relationship, speaking up often leads to conflict and drama which makes men distance themselves.

 

I am having better results with just going with the flow until one of my boundaries is seriously violated.