Bullied after DDay

March 19, 2011

I haven't read all of the responses, so I might be repeating something already written.

I don't know the OP's H personally, but I don't think he meant it in the way that the OP is rehashing it here. The OP is still seeing things through the "cheaters" filter, if you will.

Sounds like the H had already seen the ending of his W leaving him for the OM and her taking his kids with her. So....he decided he wouldn't deal with any of it. And he likely used the word abandon to twist the knife he took out of his own back into the OP. Sounds like he wanted to escape the mess that he didn't create. I doubt he would have really left the kids for some OM to take care of.

All's fair in love and war, as they say. Some just don't realize that they've started a war and don't realize that "all" means "all". I can't imagine being separated and about to sell my house while not knowing that my spouse is cheating on me and then finding that out later. So here I was about to be defrauded financially and emotionally because of things going on behind my back that I didn't know about, but the woman that was preparing to "abandon" me, didn't like my own use of the word?

Words said in anger? Yes. Bullying? Hardly.

People are throwing around the word "bully" a little too easily these days, IMO.

Edited March 19, 2011 by NoIDidn't

March 19, 2011

I didn't know at the time. If I had the option. I thought maybe I did, and not only that but I thought that if I thought I could, I should make my decision on the basis of my feelings alone.

There was no way of knowing.

Subsequently, I heard a hint from a mutual friend that if I had left my M at that point xMOM would have too. It means nothing to me, because in fact all this about H and kids took precedent.

At the time, I had a mind set which went along the lines of if I feel like this about xMOM then it is is obvious I need to leave H.

And that changed when H started delivering his way of thinking.

Okay, fair enough. It's just that in your pasts threads you never really described your husband as someone who would be deliberately manipulative. I know he was angry and difficult at times (and what bs wouldn't be?) but he never came across in your posts as the jerk you are making him out to be now.

I think that you don't love your husband and you don't really want to be with him. I think you are once again leaning towards ending the marriage and to make yourself feel okay about that you have started to build a case against him, both here and in your own mind. That is not unusual.

Some years ago I broke up with a perfectly decent guy because I didn't love him. Although he had never wronged me in any way, after months of dating him I felt no emotional attachement to him. Ending it was hard though because he claimed to be in love with me.

We broke up and I felt an immense sense of relief, but whenever he would cross my mind I would get these twinges of guilt and then I would ease the guilty feelings by running a list through my head of all the things I didn't like about him. And they were such stupid stupid petty things that I would have never held against a guy that I really loved, but justified my reasons for breaking up with this guy. I finally stopped having all of these negative thoughts about him when I realized that not loving him was a perfectly good enough reason to end the relationship. I didn't have to demonize him to justify my feelings.

So in part I wonder if you are not doing a little of this yourself because you want out of the marriage so you're putting together your list of reasons to make leaving feel okay.

March 19, 2011

i am sooo confused ... the OP is not remorseful about her A .. no regret still love the OM ... but why so many posters here want to listen her and entertain her. she cheats and talking so many excuses in here ... this world is going to go to the wrong direction.

i hope the H will abandon her and find the new life and meet the right woman as he does not deserve her.

sorry OP but you need to check on yourself. you have destroyed 2 families but nothing bad you feel ... do you know the OM's wife feeling on this. if they have family/children ... well i do not know how huge your sin is, you and OM. you seriously need help.

She doesn't love him.

March 19, 2011

I think both of you will have said hurtful stuff since d day. But for a marriage to have a chance of surviving an affair the WS has to have remorse. It's clear you don't WW and there doesn't appear to be anything in your posts which make me think you still love him. I would imagine he sees this too.

I think you should set your husband free and divorce.

March 19, 2011

Love it Tami, well said. Using the kids in an emotional blackmail plot just sickens me. I'd leave too and tell the poor kids their father died. Or I would tell their dad something just as scary to mess with him. He deserves that s**t. Sorry, I'm SO outraged that Wheelwright was dealt this hand. No wonder she blocked it from her memory, it's unthinkable!

:sick:How sick is that? You would tell the kids their dad died rather than face the truth that mom had an affair and it is too painful for dad to coparent with the affair partner.

March 19, 2011

When house was on the market, DDay had not happened. xMOM only left his W for 6 hours or so. DDay was a month later. But this thread was about a particular element of DDay, and I have been interested in the responses.

I held all the cards. Except the kids. And any wisdom or foresight to speak of. That's the point.

You held the cards. He played his ace.

You are the one framing these events as a "game". That is your perspective, based on your way of navigating life.

People breakdown under extreme stress. People hurt themselves, run away. It is no game. It is the real life result of being dealt a blow that knocks the wind out of you. It is probably difficult to comprehend that level of pain when you are the person that dealt the blow.

WW, I think you are have a lot of motivation to see your H's actions in a bad light. Meanwhile, it seems you see your own actions in the best possible light. Why be so generous with yourself, and not with your H?

March 19, 2011

The comments that she should take the kids away from the man, and tell them that their father is dead.....well, I hope those were words spoken in from a similar place of pain as this father spoke, and not something you actually believe or would ever do to your children.

March 19, 2011

Things I said to H on D Day:

Leave the house for a couple of hours, and don't come back until I call you or I truly think I will kill you - Did I mean it? probably not. Did he believe me? absolutely.

If you want to be with OW, go. I will sort out the finances, sell the house and me and our son will be off travelling for a couple of years - Did I mean it? Probably. Did he believe me? no, he knew me better.

Things I said to OW. If you continue to harrass me I will take your life apart piece by piece. Did I mean it? At the time yes. Did she believe me? Absolutely. Would I have done it? No.

When my XH (son's father) abandoned our son to go live in the US with his new (and very nice) woman and not speak to him (hasn't for over 22 years) I told him if he didn't maintain contact I would tell our son he had died. It would take time to get over his loss, but far more damaging to think his father didn't love or want him. Did I do it? No. Could I have done it? possibly. Did it make any difference? No.

The reason I say this, is that in times of pain and hurt people say all sorts of things. H told me that had I left he would have took off and we would never have seen him again. Yes he would have done this, it reflected how he felt at the time. I really don't think most people can understand the feelings of powerlessness that a BS experiences on discovering an A. However, words are just that, words. I don't think anyone should stay with anyone because there is an implied threat, however, I also don't think that anyone should stay and live a lie.

3 years on and the reaction from your H might be different if you were to sit down with him and say that you were unhappy and how you could both best continue to parent your children. If you are only staying because you think he will abandon your children, then yes, that is like a threat hanging over your head. But, marriages split up, parents remain parents. I should sit down and discuss things with him now and try not to obsess about a response when he was hurting.

March 19, 2011

WheelWright.......I just wanted to say that you should get some professional help in dealing with the issues from your childhood and the resulting effects of the affair. It's clear that you are having a very difficult time moving on and you need to make some decisions for your future.

I wish you all the best and hugs...........:)

March 19, 2011

The comment from those who insist this should be only an OM/OW support forum. To advise WS to seek even further lying, deception and hurting her children.

Yessir.:(

March 19, 2011

The comment from those who insist this should be only an OM/OW support forum. To advise WS to seek even further lying, deception and hurting her children.

Not true @ all. When this board was support for OW/OM it was full of advice for getting over the addiction, ways for NC & moving on. I don't remember one post from OP saying this is the way to go w/ a wink. It was all support for getting out, and understanding how hard that is.

Now it's a BS bashing ground crashing the party w/ baseball bats when they don't even know the party they've entered.

I will say again, you'll get more satisfaction out of A proofing your M than bashing OP.

March 19, 2011

Worldisyours

And why pray tell don't you offer some help and support to her instead of constantly pounding her with YOUR truth or I suppose constantly berating her over and over with the same old thing is your version of support? Do you honestly thing berating someone is helpful? Or is it that you just like to hear the sound of your words over and over again telling everyone how terrible cheating is? Yes we get it.

Do you think it's helpful to keep telling her what a terrible person she is and how terrible what she has done is? Once would be plenty and to keep hammering at her is cruel.

March 19, 2011

Worldisyours

And why pray tell don't you offer some help and support to her instead of constantly pounding her with YOUR truth or I suppose constantly berating her over and over with the same old thing is your version of support? Do you honestly thing berating someone is helpful? Or is it that you just like to hear the sound of your words over and over again telling everyone how terrible cheating is? Yes we get it.
Do you think it's helpful to keep telling her what a terrible person she is and how terrible what she has done is? Once would be plenty and to keep hammering at her is cruel.

I and many others have gave her plenty advice on what she should do. Supporting that she continues this path of deceit is nongermane. No one is getting hammered here except for those who are getting hurt by infidelity IRL.

March 19, 2011

I've read most of the thread and the responses, and every single response has a different emotion behind it. No matter what you feel about it, you have emotions from past experiences involved.

Now, from my understanding, the OP is posting about something her BS said after Dday, which was a while back. Only recently was it thought of in her mind. Now, from my understanding, DDay is the most emotional day in the discovery of the affair. You are finding out that the person you thought you knew, you loved, and trusted, is not who you thought they were.

I don't agree with the father saying he would "abandon" his kids. However, the hurt is obvious in his comment. He just found out his marriage was a lie. How would ANY of us feel on that day? You would want to run away too if everything you knew was a lie. Not that you have to vocalize it, but at some point or another in everyone's lives you want to run away from whatever is getting to you at the time. He said something in the heat of anger, despair and the realization that what he thought he knew was actually just bullsh*t.

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Now, if the OP isn't in love with her husband anymore, she needs to walk away from that marriage, and they need to come to some sort of agreement about the children. End the crap and move the hell on. Goodness.

Now, OP, not to be harsh, but if you have abandonment issues as you said you did (and I don't doubt you do) I hope you have been seeking individual counseling to deal with that.

March 19, 2011

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Except this isn't a support forum for BS. I do appreciate reading seren & owl's comments though, my H thinks like you 2 & it helps a lot.

What's happening Wheel? I'm sure you're afraid to post by now, but I hope you're getting some support from someone to find out what to do & if your M is even worth saving.

March 19, 2011

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Except this isn't a support forum for BS. I do appreciate reading seren & owl's comments though, my H thinks like you 2 & it helps a lot.

What's happening Wheel? I'm sure you're afraid to post by now, but I hope you're getting some support from someone to find out what to do & if your M is even worth saving.

Afraid isn't a term that I would ever associate with WW. It appears her marriage is over, she and he just need to come to terms with that.

March 20, 2011

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Except this isn't a support forum for BS. I do appreciate reading seren & owl's comments though, my H thinks like you 2 & it helps a lot.

What's happening Wheel? I'm sure you're afraid to post by now, but I hope you're getting some support from someone to find out what to do & if your M is even worth saving.

This isn't a forum where the free bashing of the BS is acceptable either. Supporting one doesn't mean that you have to make the subject about the other. Support for this OP is bringing things back to her, to her feelings. Its not about bashing her H for his D-day reaction. Real support would get her to look at herself and her possible contribution to his reaction.

Its not real helpful to say "he's a horrible BS for what he said" and neglect to tell the OP something constructive she can do. Telling her to tell the kids their father is dead doesn't count as constructive. Plus it won't help. If he did die or leave, the kids will likely feel the same sense of loss, so the OP shouldn't actually say or do something that will compound that.

I don't advice people on whether or not their marriages are worth saving - their marriages are theirs and theirs alone. But I don't get the feeling that the OP has any positive feelings towards her H, so she might want to explore that deeper and make a decision based on her feelings (the basis of them) more than just his words.

March 20, 2011

H won't walk out on his kids now - and that is in part because I didn't walk out and say what he couldn't bear to hear - I loved xMOM more than I cared about him. But I didn't if the kids were a part. And he knew, because he knows me, and he needed the kids to have the balance of power. The only thing (wrong word) I loved more than MM.

H knew all that.

And I believe he would have carried it out too. He was that upset.

I also believe he would have come back to his kids after a couple of years.

I have to say I am still unable to comprehend that he said that. That his hate and loathing for what I did to him makes him feel like this. Towards our kids.

Nothing meant more to me than ensuring the future R of H and our kids at that point - and in general. Not a single poster has said they did or went through similar in this thread.

I value what everyone has said - more than seems obvious. And especially the things that show up my own faults - though I will continue to rail against them.

WW, I would wonder if the MM told you not to bring your kids to a new relationship with him, would you go with him and "abandon" your kids to be the one person who has made you feel the way you claim he has made you feel? I truly can see you doing exactly that because of your obsession with him. I truly feel that your kids come 2nd in line to what you feel for the MM.

I don't believe for a second your H would have abandoned his kids for years. I think you are projecting your abandonment issues.

wheelwright please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that some of the posters here have the mistaken belief that it was your husband who shut down your affair and it's his threats that kept you from your OM. As a matter of fact you yourself seem to be saying this in this thread. You make it sound like you had the option of leaving to be with the other man but instead you nobly and honorably chose the well being of your children and their relationship with their father. This is driving me nuts because I've read your story and being with your OM wasn't an option for you even if you did leave your husband and your husband didn't say he would abandon the kids if you simply left him, he said he would abandon them if you left to be with the other man. I fail to see how his threats held any weight when you couldn't be with the OM anyways. It would be like someone saying they wouldn't talk to me anymore if I became the queen of England. How could I possibly feel threatened or manipulated by that?

As for the above bolded, I remember watching a show once many years ago where they asked a bunch of men if they were in a boat that was sinking and they had to choose who they would save, their wife or their child, who would they choose. Then they asked women the same question, who would they save, their husband or their child? Almost all of the men said they would save their wife and almost all of the women said they would save their child. I remember being quite surprised by that at the time as I had expected both the women and the men to choose the child. It was the first time I realized that perhaps men feel more bonded and more love towards their spouse (I'm thinking this would only be true when a man truly loves his wife) than they do their children.

Completely agree. And yep, I would gladly give up my life for my kid but I know my H wouldn't. He would save "me" in a situation where as I would save my son. I think it is a common theme of women and their love for their kids..and by no means am I saying men don't love their kids; just not in the same vein as a mom loves her kids.

And I remember WW's story very well -- she would still be having an affair had he (the MM) not ended it. She did walk by his house yet blamed the wife for the interaction that occurred afterward. When in my view, she caused the drama and refused to let go of the MM.

I've read most of the thread and the responses, and every single response has a different emotion behind it. No matter what you feel about it, you have emotions from past experiences involved.

Now, from my understanding, the OP is posting about something her BS said after Dday, which was a while back. Only recently was it thought of in her mind. Now, from my understanding, DDay is the most emotional day in the discovery of the affair. You are finding out that the person you thought you knew, you loved, and trusted, is not who you thought they were.

I don't agree with the father saying he would "abandon" his kids. However, the hurt is obvious in his comment. He just found out his marriage was a lie. How would ANY of us feel on that day? You would want to run away too if everything you knew was a lie. Not that you have to vocalize it, but at some point or another in everyone's lives you want to run away from whatever is getting to you at the time. He said something in the heat of anger, despair and the realization that what he thought he knew was actually just bullsh*t.

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Now, if the OP isn't in love with her husband anymore, she needs to walk away from that marriage, and they need to come to some sort of agreement about the children. End the crap and move the hell on. Goodness.

Now, OP, not to be harsh, but if you have abandonment issues as you said you did (and I don't doubt you do) I hope you have been seeking individual counseling to deal with that.

Good post!

March 20, 2011

Posters don't want us to judge the OP, well don't judge the BS, either. You're no better than the ones judging the OP in that case.

Except this isn't a support forum for BS. I do appreciate reading seren & owl's comments though, my H thinks like you 2 & it helps a lot.

What's happening Wheel? I'm sure you're afraid to post by now, but I hope you're getting some support from someone to find out what to do & if your M is even worth saving.

Wheel needs to come to terms that the marriage is most likely over if she won't even accept her faults, especially after the damage she's done to her family.

March 20, 2011

Untrue. From OP's story it's most likely she would be with MM at this time, if he and his wife hadn't stayed together. OP was frustrated enough to have a show-down with them while passing by their home, after the breakup.

How can YOU say the statement is untrue and you defend it by saying MORE LIKELY????? You are not making sense

March 20, 2011

How can YOU say the statement is untrue and you defend it by saying MORE LIKELY????? You are not making sense

Because it is true what he said. She only stayed because OM played her.

March 20, 2011

.....It doesn't matter. He didn't use his kids to make her stay. She stayed on her own. This woman admitted she stayed because of her OM, not because of her husband or family. He was angry and hurt. End of story.

You are making up your own premise. The premise of this thread-i.e. the "OP" is precisely that-that he had threatened to abandoned his kids(several times)-which is a ploy to manipulate. Tweak it all you want. Make excuses and/or say it was done in angry..or hurt..or the desire to reclaim some semblance of control....but muddle the bottom line why it was done( or said)...

But it was for the benefit of Wheelwright and Wheelwright only. She was ready to leave her own family behind for this man.

Actually, she was ready to leave her H for this man but not children....again, do not make your own truth...it is not YOUR story. Stop making up things up.

If he really wanted to leave his kids behind, he would've done so by now don't you think? The man was angry and in shock. He didn't leave his kids because he loves them. Hopefully he'll still leave the M because he doesn't deserve this type of disrespect.

ahh..but he didn't leave because wheelwright stayed-that was the terms he gave her...

Who walks away from a cheater? You bet I do, and I did once. And if I had kids, they would be with me too.

sure you did....and yet...

Thank you for the kind advice but I've already been there, done that.

March 20, 2011

Because it is true what he said. She only stayed because OM played her.

uhh...saying "more likely" does not make it "untrue" or "true". It means he does not know for sure...so he could not possibly tell me what I said was untrue because he cannot defend that. Neither could you.

March 20, 2011

i am sooo confused ... the OP is not remorseful about her A .. no regret still love the OM ... but why so many posters here want to listen her and entertain her. she cheats and talking so many excuses in here ... this world is going to go to the wrong direction.

What is this to YOU? Why does it bother you that people are responding? She has every right to post here...and members are free to respond...it IS an "open forum", you know?

i hope the H will abandon her and find the new life and meet the right woman as he does not deserve her.

Well...are we being a little personal here? You are going to have to pray to some god for that because the H is not posting here so that "advice" is misplaced...

March 20, 2011

A "good" parent would endure a joyless existence in the marriage if it means the children will grow having two "good" parents.

A "good" parent would be proactive about the problems in their marriage instead of PA. A "good" parent would either fix the marriage or end it "amicably" which would negate the anger that a BS feels upon discovering an A. If the D were simply because they can't get alone, I'm certain there wouldn't be the sort of level of anger that a BS feels, thus, there wouldn't be any of this drama going on.

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