Bullied after DDay

[Lorelei_Lane]

Speaking as a BS:

 

Although I don't agree with the "lifestyle" OW and OM have, as some of them actively pursue MM and MW, the anger that a BS feels should be directed towards their WS, NOT the AP.

 

Although I HATE the OW in my situation, my husband is ultimately the one that chose to cheat. Even though the lies the OW told him helped make his decision to cheat on me easier, the decision was STILL ULTIMATELY HIS.

 

I don't agree with some of what people are saying and doing on this forum, but as a BS, I'm not going to bash them for it. Only if they are actively trying to hurt the BS or something like that will I say something. But I will say that those who are attacking OW and OM without really having a reason... why? I understand some people are hurt, and I understand you don't agree with what they're doing, but THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. Just because you don't agree with the fact they are sleeping or having a relationship with a married person doesn't mean you need to be hateful and nasty to them. Goodness. That's what's wrong with humanity, no one really gives a sh*t about anyone anymore.

 

There's my two cents, damnit.

[BB07]

Exactly, BB07. Posters like WIY just want to defend the BS on an OW forum, when the BS isn't even here & this is OW territory, to try and make themselves feel better after something happened to them. Then they wonder why people say that SOME [sOME! A FEW! NOT ALL OF THEM FOR SURE -- BUT THEY GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME] BSs are seen as bitter & angry.

 

I want to clarify before this goes up in flames........IMO, the unknowing BS IS a victim because she/he is being betrayed and cheated on. Sometimes the OW is also the victim.

 

I have no problem with most of the BS's that post here, in fact but for all but one or two I like and respect them and their viewpoints. Even ones that I didn't so much like to start with, I've came to understand.

 

Most know my history here..........and I've learned so many things........THE HARD WAY.

 

My point.......is I take issue with posters like WIY for the reasons I've stated in my previous post.

[bentnotbroken]

Exactly, BB07. Posters like WIY just want to defend the BS on an OW forum, when the BS isn't even here & this is OW territory, to try and make themselves feel better after something happened to them. Then they wonder why people say that SOME [sOME! A FEW! NOT ALL OF THEM FOR SURE -- BUT THEY GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME] BSs are seen as bitter & angry.

 

 

For me it seems then that all BS are being painted with the same brush that WIY is accused of using. If it isn't right for him to do it, surely it isn't right for ALL BS to be viewed as bitter and angry. I for one am good with the labels. I have come to embrace them because I now realize it says more about the people using them than me. But I do recognize most folks don't like them.

[bentnotbroken]

Speaking as a BS:

 

Although I don't agree with the "lifestyle" OW and OM have, as some of them actively pursue MM and MW, the anger that a BS feels should be directed towards their WS, NOT the AP.

 

Although I HATE the OW in my situation, my husband is ultimately the one that chose to cheat. Even though the lies the OW told him helped make his decision to cheat on me easier, the decision was STILL ULTIMATELY HIS.

 

I don't agree with some of what people are saying and doing on this forum, but as a BS, I'm not going to bash them for it. Only if they are actively trying to hurt the BS or something like that will I say something. But I will say that those who are attacking OW and OM without really having a reason... why? I understand some people are hurt, and I understand you don't agree with what they're doing, but THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. Just because you don't agree with the fact they are sleeping or having a relationship with a married person doesn't mean you need to be hateful and nasty to them. Goodness. That's what's wrong with humanity, no one really gives a sh*t about anyone anymore.

 

There's my two cents, damnit.

 

 

This is per individual of course. If you need to direct in whatever direction that suits your personal healing...by all means go for it. But I don't feel the same way and I hold each person accountable for their actions, whether it is the mechanic who lied about what was wrong with my truck(I do know enough to know when I am being scammed), the hospital that charged me for a prostate exam:rolleyes: or the woman who entered my family of her own free will.

[Lorelei_Lane]

This is per individual of course. If you need to direct in whatever direction that suits your personal healing...by all means go for it. But I don't feel the same way and I hold each person accountable for their actions, whether it is the mechanic who lied about what was wrong with my truck(I do know enough to know when I am being scammed), the hospital that charged me for a prostate exam:rolleyes: or the woman who entered my family of her own free will.

 

I guess I could have worded that better, I DO feel anger towards the OW, because she knew what she was doing. But at the same time, the bulk of your anger should be directed towards the cheating spouse, if that makes sense. Not to say I don't blame the OW in my situation, because she was my best friend as well. But at the same time, my husband is the one who betrayed me and I have to deal with him whatever way I feel is appropriate.

 

It's like I said in my above post, I don't agree with OW. I don't think they should be going after married men. BUT you can't place all the blame on the OW, either. The WS did their part too.

 

I guess I just feel that attacking the OW just because someone was cheated on is sort of counter productive... if that makes sense.

[BB07]

For me it seems then that all BS are being painted with the same brush that WIY is accused of using. If it isn't right for him to do it, surely it isn't right for ALL BS to be viewed as bitter and angry. I for one am good with the labels. I have come to embrace them because I now realize it says more about the people using them than me. But I do recognize most folks don't like them.

 

 

I happen to think you are a very caring woman who happens to have been a BS........who tells it likes she sees it and sometimes has a snarky bent but you never vary from your stance or your beliefs and you care in spite of your experience. Admirable stuff, IMO.

 

I like the brush I painted you with.......

[whichwayisup]

LL, there's a big difference between your husband cheating on you with someone you don't know and him cheating on you with your bestfriend!! you SHOULD be pissed off at her! She WAS supposed to be your friend and she betrayed you too! That's double betrayal.

 

In most cases the WS is held responsible and accountable..But, the OW isn't innocent either (unless she is under the impression that MM isn't married and he pretends/lies) she knows full well he's married and is choosing to get involved with someone who is still married, living at home with wife and kids. Each person in an affair has their role and has to be accountable for their choices and actions. It's like driving the getaway car. Sure, OW didn't pull the trigger or rob the bank, but they were part of it and drove the car... Not innocent, far from it. (I mean no offense to anybody here, just using that as an example.)

[Lorelei_Lane]

LL, there's a big difference between your husband cheating on you with someone you don't know and him cheating on you with your bestfriend!! you SHOULD be pissed off at her! She WAS supposed to be your friend and she betrayed you too! That's double betrayal.

 

In most cases the WS is held responsible and accountable..But, the OW isn't innocent either (unless she is under the impression that MM isn't married and he pretends/lies) she knows full well he's married and is choosing to get involved with someone who is still married, living at home with wife and kids. Each person in an affair has their role and has to be accountable for their choices and actions. It's like driving the getaway car. Sure, OW didn't pull the trigger or rob the bank, but they were part of it and drove the car... Not innocent, far from it. (I mean no offense to anybody here, just using that as an example.)

 

Aye, and I was pissed off at her for the longest time. But the hate was eating me alive and stealing parts of who I was. I couldn't hold onto it forever, so I let it go.

 

After two years, you just stop caring about it. My husband and I have successfully reconciled. Luckily it was only an EA that lasted a month.

 

I guess my point is, I understand the anger towards the OW because I've been there, but it doesn't give license to be a hateful nasty b*tch to ALL OW just because of what mine did to me. If that makes ANY sense at all.

[bentnotbroken]

Aye, and I was pissed off at her for the longest time. But the hate was eating me alive and stealing parts of who I was. I couldn't hold onto it forever, so I let it go.

 

After two years, you just stop caring about it. My husband and I have successfully reconciled. Luckily it was only an EA that lasted a month.

 

I guess my point is, I understand the anger towards the OW because I've been there, but it doesn't give license to be a hateful nasty b*tch to ALL OW just because of what mine did to me. If that makes ANY sense at all.

 

 

Makes perfect sense:). The only thing I see is that maybe you see quite a few BS as hateful. I don't think most are. I can't say I ever hated OW. I definitely wished some not so pleasant things :rolleyes:on her in the beginning(and much later when she wouldn 't go away)but hatred is consuming. It doesn't end with the original object of that hatred...it eats up anything and anyone along the path if it is fed and nurtured.

[bentnotbroken]

I happen to think you are a very caring woman who happens to have been a BS........who tells it likes she sees it and sometimes has a snarky bent but you never vary from your stance or your beliefs and you care in spite of your experience. Admirable stuff, IMO.

 

I like the brush I painted you with.......

 

 

Thank you.

[PorkRinds]

No she hasn't and just because a few cheaters back her up doesn't mean squat. She doesn't like my view, oh well tough luck.

 

 

I think because the forum is entitled "The OM/W" forum, quite a few OM/Ws believe that they have a right to exclude opinions which are not laudatory of their lifestyle.

 

Clearly, the intent of this forum is to help them move on from that lifestyle, not to praise it or to in any way encourage it.

 

"I was an OW for ten years, so that makes me an expert on how not to be one."

 

I don't think so.

[WorldIsYours]

No I don't like your hard nosed beat somebody down attitude. You say the same thing over and over in just slightly different ways. Your only purpose seems to be to defend the BS as the victim (and yes they are) and to repeatably tell everyone how terrible the cheater is. Do you offer one shred of help or support?

 

While I'm on a roll......I'll tell you something else. I'm not sure if GG was a BS and I don't always like her style of posting and she is hard lined as hell but you know what I respect her..........she genially cares about these women wasting years of their life and causing pain to themselves and the BS and the children and whether you believe it or not, I care too.

 

You however have some other kind of agenda.............

 

I didn't even read the whole post. Not even worth the time. As I said before, don't like it, tough luck because I'm here to stay and this is a public board.

[wheelwright]

Maybe OP's husband has his doubts about that.

 

What a cruel thing to say.

 

I don't know why this has been called into question.

 

Let me guess.

 

You don't like what someone says, or you are generally belligerant, so you try to call into question possible things about them. Because you want to discredit them.

 

Politics.

 

I did not come to this forum as a political animal.

 

My daughter's smile and my son's temperament speak so sweetly of their heritage.

 

OH yes, and I know 'all cheaters' are equally and totally reprehensible to the extent they pull any stunt.

 

And you know, I have nothing against families which decide to make a child born of infidelity their own.

 

But I resent your implications in this case, partly because they are (WTF?) untrue, and mainly because they are a cheap jibe.

 

Better luck next time. I won't be replying to this kind of post in the future. It seems so lame to be accused of this and have to defend yourself to people who might know better.

[PorkRinds]

What a cruel thing to say.

 

It's not cruel at all. It's a factual statement. Men who find out their wives have cheated on them have every reason in the world to doubt the parentage of their children.

 

You have done some unpleasant and--yes, cruel--things in your marriage, and can hardly be surprised by the consequences. One of which is raising doubt about the parentage of your children. This is true in every case of a cheating wife, though, so there is no reason for you to take it personally.

 

 

 

I don't know why this has been called into question.

 

Let me guess.

Obviously, because women who cheat on their husbands, are sometimes impregnated by their OMs. And, they don't always divulge the true parentage of their children (sometimes because they know and don't want to tell; sometimes because they don't actually know themselves).

 

 

You don't like what someone says, or you are generally belligerant, so you try to call into question possible things about them. Because you want to discredit them.

No, you just described yourself. My statement is perfectly factual and applies not just to you but to any cheating wife with kids. You called your own h a bully when it is you who engaged in bad conduct in the marriage, by cheating. You just called me "cruel" for simply providing a factual explanation of why your h might want to abandon the children--he may have doubts that he is the father. Not "cruelty," but "honesty." And please....if you feel discredited, look to your own actions in your marriage, which speak for themselves.

 

 

 

Politics.

 

I did not come to this forum as a political animal.

This has nothing to do with politics.

 

 

My daughter's smile and my son's temperament speak so sweetly of their heritage.

Your son is a bully, too? Listen--I notice you did NOT say they MUST be your h's children because you didn't have unprotected sex with anyone else during the relevant time period. Nor did you say you had DNA tests done.

 

 

OH yes, and I know 'all cheaters' are equally and totally reprehensible to the extent they pull any stunt.

If you had unprotected sex with a man, or men, other than your h during the time period when you first got pregnant, is the only thing that is relevant. You haven't provided a straight answer to that simple question.

 

 

 

 

And you know, I have nothing against families which decide to make a child born of infidelity their own.

The issue is why a seemingly loving father, would react by threatening to abandon his children, on D Day. The FIRST thought in any father's mind is going to be: "Are these really my children biologically?" So you have your answer which fully explains why your h might have reacted the way he did, in that situation, at that time.

 

 

 

 

But I resent your implications in this case, partly because they are (WTF?) untrue, and mainly because they are a cheap jibe.

The only one who has said or done anything "untrue" or "cheap" is yourself. Look in the mirror, then get two DNA tests to reassure your h. That is if you actually want to try to save your m. If you don't, then go ahead, continue to take umbrage, see how far that gets you.

 

 

 

Better luck next time. I won't be replying to this kind of post in the future. It seems so lame to be accused of this and have to defend yourself to people who might know better.

I didn't accuse you. I stated a legitimate fear that your husband might have about the parentage of your children. Your reaction is to get incredibly aggressive and defensive, and pretend that cheating wives can't possibly ever have OC's.

 

I would not be very comforted by this reaction if I were your h.

 

Now you have a possible answer as to why he threatened to abandon the kids. Accept it or don't, but if you don't believe this is a real fear of his, go ask him, and volunteer to get the DNA testing done, without him having to shame himself by asking you.

 

Unless of course, you're afraid of failing the tests.

[wheelwright]

I think because the forum is entitled "The OM/W" forum, quite a few OM/Ws believe that they have a right to exclude opinions which are not laudatory of their lifestyle.

 

Clearly, the intent of this forum is to help them move on from that lifestyle, not to praise it or to in any way encourage it.

 

"I was an OW for ten years, so that makes me an expert on how not to be one."

 

I don't think so.

 

I am amazed, no clean ejaculated from a rocket launcher.

 

I have always supposed that the intent of this forum is threefold.

 

(i) For people to gain a voice that is answered.

 

(ii) For people to hear different views on a subject close to their heart or interest.

 

(iii) For people to find compassion when they need it.

 

Nowhere so far on LS has it been set in stone that certain ways of living mean we should move on.

 

But that is obviously an undercurrent in the threads.

 

There is a whole lot of 'infidelity/being OW/OM is bad for me'

 

And the rejoinder in chorus -well move on - we'll help.

 

This was a more interesting post than I first thought.

[alexandria35]

Tami I think you are missing the point of PR's argument. HE is not saying that WW's kids are not her husbands, he is simply pointing out the possibility that WW's husband has had doubts of his kids really being his offspring since finding out his wife carried on an affair. Yes he knows THIS affair happened after his kids were born, but I think once you find out your spouse is cheater you question every single minute of your marriage and go over every event in your mind with a fine tooth comb. You don't know for sure when your spouse started deceiving you so you doubt everything you ever thought you knew as fact. Given this I don't think it is too unreasonable to think that perhaps WW's husband is no longer 100% sure his children are truly his, even though they are. If I was a man I'm sure I would have the same doubts if I discovered my wife was cheating on me.

[tami-chan]

Tami I think you are missing the point of PR's argument. HE is not saying that WW's kids are not her husbands, he is simply pointing out the possibility that WW's husband has had doubts of his kids really being his offspring since finding out his wife carried on an affair. Yes he knows THIS affair happened after his kids were born, but I think once you find out your spouse is cheater you question every single minute of your marriage and go over every event in your mind with a fine tooth comb. You don't know for sure when your spouse started deceiving you so you doubt everything you ever thought you knew as fact. Given this I don't think it is too unreasonable to think that perhaps WW's husband is no longer 100% sure his children are truly his, even though they are. If I was a man I'm sure I would have the same doubts if I discovered my wife was cheating on me.

 

No, I didn't miss his point. There are a million and one possibilities/scenarios that we can create..maybe this, maybe that....at some point we have to take the Original Poster's word...Besides, if the WW's husband doubted that his kids are his, don't you think he would be voicing that doubt already? I mean, you are talking about a man who has no problem telling WW what he thinks. Instead he is a "good father" who happens to have no problem giving up/betraying his kids if "pushed" hard enough.

[tami-chan]

If you don't like the consequences of cheating on one's spouse I can understand that, but those are the consequences of cheating. One of those consequences is a lack of trust between spouses. I'm not really sure why you insist on "not getting that."

 

I am not sure what you are referring to(the bolded). I was a very young BS and stayed faithful to the marriage despite that for a long time. Of course as a BS my reaction to my H's (xH) cheating was unlike many-I didn't ask why, I didn't ask him to stop , I didn't ask him to end the relationship...but he lost a wife in the traditional sense. My xH thought I was extreme that I enjoyed punishing him, that I was unforgiving...hmmm...can't control a BS's reaction to a betrayal, as I always say... do not cheat if you are not prepared to lose your spouse. So I understand how it is to be cheated on, more than you can imagine, or want to know or care.

 

So what? We're not her h and we haven't been betrayed and lied to. He has, so she has to deal with the fallout and lack of trust her actions have caused in her relationship. Human nature being what it is, of course.

 

I have been betrayed and lied to, but unlike WW's husband one of the first things that came to my mind was how to protect my daughter from her father's indiscretion. There was no ugly confrontation in my house-I did not allow that. And I agree with you, she has to deal with the fallout and she is! But she is not going to lose herself doing that( I hope not, anyway), part of "dealing with it" is also self-discovery-and that is what she is doing here.

 

Not the point, and I think you know that.

 

It IS the point. YOU brought up that possibility, have you forgotten?

 

It doesn't matter if I believe her or not since my life is not affected by her actions. It matters if her h believes her.

 

I agree. But the paternity of the kids is not an issue- if it was, her husband-a man who has no problem telling her off and making demands would have demanded a paternity test already. Let's not make her H out to be some shy guy who cannot articulate his thoughts..please..

 

If she feels hurt it's due to her own actions, not anything I have done. And you know that as well. Your motivations in this thread are highly suspect. Please examine yourself before attacking me again.

 

Apparently, all words here are benign ..so really why do people even get banned for saying "hurtful" stuff, right? Suspect for what? Let's not get paranoid-On the other hand, get all paranoid as much as you want, who cares? ! I have very strong feelings for people who use children as weapons to hurt another-THAT is my motivation. I do not like people (like you) who seem to think that BSs get a free pass to do/say anything.

[tami-chan]

Fine. So you understand why a betrayed husband would lack trust in his wife. No need to continue attacking then.

 

You think that was attacking? boy, you are of a faint heart! How about, you stop passive-aggressively attacking WW?

 

We're not talking about a million and one scenarios, we're talking about a very specific issue, the doubt in a betrayed father's mind about parentage after D Day. So try to stick with that please.

 

Way to miss the point...! How about YOU stick to WW's givens---->she and her husband have children, he threatened to abandon the kids if she ends up with the OM, she stayed in the marriage not even having found out if OM was going to leave his marriage for her, if she had left her own marriage. Work with that, will ya?

 

But, her h doesn't, and most betrayed spouses takes months or even years to regain trust in their cheating spouse. If ever.

 

But you are not her husband. She did not betray you. You have not even been betrayed or lied to. So stick to her story.

 

Also, do you think OP's h would take comfort in your endorsement of her honesty? Tami chan, let's get real--you're an OW (or a cheating spouse, I can't remember which) yourself. Do you seriously think if you spoke with OP's h right now, directly, and he knew what your relationship background is, he would be comforted and reassured?

 

Her husband is not on LS. She is. If I have a chance to speak to her H I would tell him he is a scumbag for using his children against her. BTW, don't think for a second that I do not get that you are trying to shame me by the questions above, won't work bud. I was a MOW to a MM. We divorced our spouses amicably .

 

That's exactly my point. I think threatening to leave the kids was a voicing of that doubt, possibly. And you're aware of that point, you just admitted it.

 

I don't think saying "I will abandon our kids" is a the same as "I am not sure if I am the father of the kids". But apparently you do .

 

I don't understand 1) why you're so angry at my comments and 2) why you keep bashing the betrayed party in this situation.

 

It is wrong for anybody to use kids as weapons to hurt another. No excuses. The "betrayed party" is an adult, he can make a decision to leave or stay. The "betrayed party" is also a person who does not seem to have a problem "betraying" his own children.

 

The only conclusion I can draw is you're doing it because of your own infidelity issues. That's too bad, you should try to be more objective if you want to give people helpful advice.

 

"My infidelity issues" lol........ right...

[LifesontheUp]

I could say I am going to kill you. Doesn't mean I will do it, its just words.

[PorkRinds]

I have very strong feelings for people who use children as weapons to hurt another-THAT is my motivation.

Wheelwright threatened to leave her BS and take the kids with her to be with the OM. Perhaps you forgot that? If that's not using "children as weapons to hurt another," I don't know what is. The difference between her and her h was she was actually involved with the OM and would have followed through had the OM not dumped her.

 

Direct your strong feelings towards the party responsible for the hardship--not towards the victim, the BS.

 

 

 

I do not like people (like you) who seem to think that BSs get a free pass to do/say anything.

It's not up to you to decide what other people can or can't say on a message board. Also, no one cares who you do or your don't like.

[PorkRinds]

If I have a chance to speak to her H I would tell him he is a scumbag for using his children against her.

As you said, he's not at LS, so you can't.

[PorkRinds]

I have been betrayed and lied to, but unlike WW's husband one of the first things that came to my mind was how to protect my daughter from her father's indiscretion.

 

Women have no cause to doubt who the mother of their children are when their spouse has cheated on them.

[dreamingoftigers]

Would you two shut up?

 

2 pages of this seriously?

 

I would like to post on this thread tomorrow some responses for WW, and I hope it doesn't get deleted because it was pretty hostile already.

 

I don't care who started it, not get back to your rooms and get to bed!

 

BTW: Pork Rinds: it isn't cool to threaten to abandon kids, yes he was mad and that was his last card, desperate times, desperate measures.

 

Tami-chan: Cheating, not cool, undermines trust in a person's character so the OP's H wouldn't be toooo far off the mark for wondering about his kids, as well though WW should have been allowed to make her own choice without the kids in the equation because now the H (in theory) would be left wondering if she only came back for the kids and not for him in the least. Not a great foundation.

 

And yo, fellow posters, character assault is not your friend, and yes you both did it.

[PorkRinds]

Would you two shut up?

 

2 pages of this seriously?

 

You post as you please. Don't try to dictate to others.

 

I would like to post on this thread tomorrow some responses for WW, and I hope it doesn't get deleted because it was pretty hostile already.

 

Post whatever you like.

 

I don't care who started it, not get back to your rooms and get to bed!

 

I'll respond as I see fit. Tami thinks it's appropriate to support infidelity, blame shifting, and attacking the victimized spouse. That's ludicrous.

 

BTW: Pork Rinds: it isn't cool to threaten to abandon kids, yes he was mad and that was his last card, desperate times, desperate measures.

 

Not the point at all. Wheelwright is using the so called threat as her justification for staying married to her husband, and tami chan is attacking the husband as a way of completing blame shifting and taking the attention off OP's bad conduct.

 

You know what? If wheelwright thinks her h is abusive, she should just divorce him. Very simple. She knows that. The reason she doesn't divorce him is because OM threw her under the bus, not because she's afraid of anything her h might or mightn't do.

 

I don't particularly care whether OP, tami chan, or even you think it's "cool" or not for her h to say what he said, because what he said is entirely beside the point. OP is playing the "victim" when she's not. She's the victimizer. She knows it, you know it, Tami knows it.

 

 

Tami-chan: Cheating, not cool, undermines trust in a person's character so the OP's H wouldn't be toooo far off the mark for wondering about his kids, as well though WW should have been allowed to make her own choice without the kids in the equation because now the H (in theory) would be left wondering if she only came back for the kids and not for him in the least. Not a great foundation.

 

Again: we all know this discussion is a side issue. OP cheated. What her h threatened was a direct consequence of OP's cheating and lying. She's an adult and if she thinks what her h said is grounds for leaving him, then that's what she should do. Her husband didn't threaten to abandon the children if she DIVORCED him. He threatened to abandon the children if SHE LEFT HIM to be with the OM. Let's get that straight shall we? So OP has the option of divorcing the h, if she thinks what he did was abusive.

 

What she doesn't have the option of is divorcing her h AND leaving for the OM AND having her h stick around for the aftermath. You know what? Tough. The H isn't asking for your advice, for my advice, or for Tami's advice. The OP has to deal with the mess SHE made and welp, this is part of the fallout that SHE created. Bashing the husband all day long isn't going to accomplish anything and it is harmful to the OP.

 

And yo, fellow posters, character assault is not your friend, and yes you both did it.

 

Tami Chan is an OW. That's a character flaw. Not an "attack."