Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances

[gator12]

Yea no problem, I'm always happy to help.

 

-Gator

[charly26]

I have some doubts.

 

How do I know if my ex really wants to get back if she contacts me?

I believe that most women are not that straightforward and will not always state that they wanna come back when they actually want to.

 

They may use a text or a mail, or a phone call to reinitiate contact so that they can work their way up in our lives and let us know they want us back.

 

What I'm afraid of is that if my ex does that, I might get confused if she doesn't state that she doesn't want to come back when maybe she wants to.

I would not like her to hang out with me just because she wants to hook up or for some sex. That would mess up my emotions.

 

Should I ask directly something like " why did you contact me? is it because you miss me and at the same time wanna get back with me?"

this is the only way I can come up now, though, it sounds a little needy to me.

 

What advice can you give me?

[Xxs]

I have one question.

What happends when both parts are NC'ing with eachother?

The rules say that you gotta stay strong and not communicate, but what happends when both parts really love eachother but they are just ncing waiting for the other one to break it?

That would just end up on a lost realtionship (That could have been good), because both parts are gonna forget about the one they loved after a looong time of NCing.

[sweetblubrry]

Gator,

 

I have been in NC with my ex for 4 weeks. He has lately started trying to talk to me while we are at work. I ran into him after work the other day and he tried to make friendly convo again. I don't knwo what possessed me to... but I asked if we could talk about what happened 4 weeks ago. It was more for myself so I could have an understanding instead of listening to rumors, friends, coworkers, whatever. I was tired of not knowing what happened because he made no sense that night.

 

Ever since our talk has been REAL friendly and flirty again. Like when we first started dating. He still does not call or text (not a phone guy didn't really do it when we were dating). But at work I will be doing something and then I find he is standing right next to me. He even so much as follows me sometimes! He does cute things to annoy me like a little schoolboy crush or something. Someone even asked me if we were back together. He smiles at me a lot and is just happy around me.

 

He is going thru a lot of issues right now which is why he can't be in a relationship. And I mean serious issues (plz read my post) so much as he is seeing a therapist for it. My question is how to I handle this? I am still NC... he is the one that approaches me at work and I am short and sweet and to the point and I go on with my business. But that doesn't stop him. He needs support in his life so I don't want to completely cut him out and I eventually would like to get back together if he sorts out his issues. What would you suggest to do in this case? I feel NC might be detrimental in this case. What do you think? It seemed to work because now he is at this point after not talking to me for 4 weeks but I am not sure how to handle it from here. My post explains more...

[Shqipo]

Hi gator,

 

While i very much have enjoyed reading your posts..and your story. I'm left a little confused. On one hand you say to ignore any and all texts from ex if they fall short of "i want to get back together". Yet...from the story that I read, while you did NC..when your ex repeatedly kept contacting you...you did rrespond every now and then. So thus I'm a little confused.

 

My ex was a lot like yours in that he would not flat out say I want to get back together from one text. If you don't mind..I can share my blurb of a story here and get ur input.

 

Towards the end of my relationship, I fought a lot with my boyfriend due to stress and his nonchallant ways. I impulsively dumped him (and it was a horrible fight due to my bad temper which i have corrected!). He kept saying no i love you, we can fix this..you just made a mistake. However I kept convincing him that he didnt deserve the way I was treating him...and altho he kept disagreeing, after a while of me convinving him..he said "you know, you're right..it probably is for the best". This in turn made me realize what I had done and i begged and pleaded and went over his house the next morning to ask for him back. Altho met with resistance for quite a while, he gave in and said he would try again. However, a week later he dumped me and said he didn't feel it anymore. I told him we couldn't be friends after this. However, after two weeks..i texted him/messaged once or twice a week..every week or so for a few weeks. One of my friends told me to make a sincere apology to him for the way I had taken my temper outt on him all those times ..so I met up with him and gave him a very sincere apology in which I apologized for everything I had done. He seemed distant and said while it was great I learned from it, he'd be busy and we couldn't be good friends or anything. And that was the last i expected to her from him.

 

Fast forward a week later, we moved to campus(we're both in college) to start school...he would call me everytime he ran into me without fail or if i was hanging out with his friends. I ran into him at the gym and mustered a very quiet "hi" which he didnt hear so he thoguht i ignored him and thus that entire night and the next morning, he blew up my phone with texts and phone calls abotu why i was ignoring him (i just didnt know how to reply). He said he wanted to talk about something...when i texted him back, he said he did wanna talk about something but later cuz he was busy. I waited a week and nothing from him..at the end of that week he saw me waiting for a ride and immediately called to say hey how are u bla bal. I didn't bring up anythign about what he said about needing to talk cuz i didn't wanna apply pressure.about a few days later I IMed him casually to say hi. He started flirting with me and saying he missed the intimacy and he missed me and i should come over his house the next night and that maybe all we needed was a break. I FOOLISHLY went and u know how the night goes. Well he didn't dump me the next mornign like i feared he would...........however our "reconciliation" lasted about two weeks before I caught him flirting with another girl online..tho I didnt tell him or confront him with this. I felt at that point, it was unnecessary and a lost cause. She was only the symptom of the problem. I did however tell him that I would prefer to just be friends since he had told me his heart hasnt been in it and that he was doing this for me cuz he remembered how i apologized to him and thus he felt bad and he was trying to like me. But he much preferred to stay friends. Like a fool again...I said yea, we can be friends, watch movies once a week...at first he wasnt comfortable with the structure of "once a week" since it wasnt casual but after i told him i was fine with the breakup and i forgave him for all he did (a total lie) he agreed. Altho we agreed to be friends, he still made advances towards me and I did cuddle (clearly i wasnt very strong) but i made it clear that thsi would not continue and he said yea, he expected me to slap him or something. However i stuck with the "once a week movies" cuz i didnt wanna let go of him, as i was waiting for the end of teh weekend to watch a movie as we agreed..he randomly told me he made other plans sunday and thuoght i just meant a "general sunday" when we talked. I yelled at him for making plans and he said ok ok i'll pick u up sunday at 10 to watch a movie.

 

 

My question is, its obvious I'm not going to his house again..its obvious i cant be friends...its obvious his reconciliation although stemming from missing me and seeing me around campus...turned into staying with me out of guilt and obligation. How do I regain my dignity? I fought to hav a friendship with him ..it wuold be stupid to tell him..oh no i changed my mind, nvm, I don't feel like doing anythign with you. I feel like it will cause confusion for us both.

 

I noticed that you gator, did keep a casual contact with ur ex...and it worked to ur advantage. While I'm not stupid enoguh to fall for his crumbs again...I don't want to once again create a hostile situtation between us of "im not talkin to you till u commit to me!" becuz hes not the type to come back like that. However, I don't want him to come back out of guilt again either.

 

 

How do I do NC without making it obvious to him that I am severing all forms of communication. However a few months from now, i may want to initiate contact so i do want to leave it open..we were friends for six months prior to dating and had a very good relationship for a while and he was 110% committed...it was just towards the end that things got bad with all the stress.

 

How do you suggest I handle this

[gator12]

I have some doubts.

 

How do I know if my ex really wants to get back if she contacts me?

I believe that most women are not that straightforward and will not always state that they wanna come back when they actually want to.

 

They may use a text or a mail, or a phone call to reinitiate contact so that they can work their way up in our lives and let us know they want us back.

 

What I'm afraid of is that if my ex does that, I might get confused if she doesn't state that she doesn't want to come back when maybe she wants to.

I would not like her to hang out with me just because she wants to hook up or for some sex. That would mess up my emotions.

 

Should I ask directly something like " why did you contact me? is it because you miss me and at the same time wanna get back with me?"

this is the only way I can come up now, though, it sounds a little needy to me.

 

What advice can you give me?

 

My ex was one of the indirect cases. I basically ignored her for a solid month of her reach out to me. After I was convinced that there had to be something more to it than just being "friends" I invited her to a coffee date and let her make every move. I was calm cool and indifferent. But every situation is different. I wouldn't respond to their first attempts to contact you because you risk getting put in the friends zone and 99% of the time that's what they want. Your ex may reach out but if you don't ignore her for a while then you will not know how serious she is in getting back together, if that is her goal i mean.

 

I have one question.

What happends when both parts are NC'ing with eachother?

The rules say that you gotta stay strong and not communicate, but what happends when both parts really love eachother but they are just ncing waiting for the other one to break it?

That would just end up on a lost realtionship (That could have been good), because both parts are gonna forget about the one they loved after a looong time of NCing.

 

Well it all depends on who did the dumping. If you are the dumper you will have to be the one to break it, if you are not then you play it like any old NC, if they are too immature to break NC if they want you back then they aren't worth it.

 

Gator,

 

I have been in NC with my ex for 4 weeks. He has lately started trying to talk to me while we are at work. I ran into him after work the other day and he tried to make friendly convo again. I don't knwo what possessed me to... but I asked if we could talk about what happened 4 weeks ago. It was more for myself so I could have an understanding instead of listening to rumors, friends, coworkers, whatever. I was tired of not knowing what happened because he made no sense that night.

 

Ever since our talk has been REAL friendly and flirty again. Like when we first started dating. He still does not call or text (not a phone guy didn't really do it when we were dating). But at work I will be doing something and then I find he is standing right next to me. He even so much as follows me sometimes! He does cute things to annoy me like a little schoolboy crush or something. Someone even asked me if we were back together. He smiles at me a lot and is just happy around me.

 

He is going thru a lot of issues right now which is why he can't be in a relationship. And I mean serious issues (plz read my post) so much as he is seeing a therapist for it. My question is how to I handle this? I am still NC... he is the one that approaches me at work and I am short and sweet and to the point and I go on with my business. But that doesn't stop him. He needs support in his life so I don't want to completely cut him out and I eventually would like to get back together if he sorts out his issues. What would you suggest to do in this case? I feel NC might be detrimental in this case. What do you think? It seemed to work because now he is at this point after not talking to me for 4 weeks but I am not sure how to handle it from here. My post explains more...

 

NC isn't a universal fit, I'd put it at 95% of the time. I think all relationships need some NC for a second chance to be really possible, but how you play it isn't always the same. I'd tell you to ask him what he wants without being too confrontational. If he has no interest in dating then I'd advise on not being friends with him until you are fully moved on any time up until that point will only serve to hurt you and your healing. You are playing the indifferent role very well though, and you can continue it for another few weeks if you want before you ask him. Take your time, reconciliation isn't supposed to happen overnight.

 

Hi gator,

 

While i very much have enjoyed reading your posts..and your story. I'm left a little confused. On one hand you say to ignore any and all texts from ex if they fall short of "i want to get back together". Yet...from the story that I read, while you did NC..when your ex repeatedly kept contacting you...you did rrespond every now and then. So thus I'm a little confused.

 

My ex was a lot like yours in that he would not flat out say I want to get back together from one text. If you don't mind..I can share my blurb of a story here and get ur input.

 

Towards the end of my relationship, I fought a lot with my boyfriend due to stress and his nonchallant ways. I impulsively dumped him (and it was a horrible fight due to my bad temper which i have corrected!). He kept saying no i love you, we can fix this..you just made a mistake. However I kept convincing him that he didnt deserve the way I was treating him...and altho he kept disagreeing, after a while of me convinving him..he said "you know, you're right..it probably is for the best". This in turn made me realize what I had done and i begged and pleaded and went over his house the next morning to ask for him back. Altho met with resistance for quite a while, he gave in and said he would try again. However, a week later he dumped me and said he didn't feel it anymore. I told him we couldn't be friends after this. However, after two weeks..i texted him/messaged once or twice a week..every week or so for a few weeks. One of my friends told me to make a sincere apology to him for the way I had taken my temper outt on him all those times ..so I met up with him and gave him a very sincere apology in which I apologized for everything I had done. He seemed distant and said while it was great I learned from it, he'd be busy and we couldn't be good friends or anything. And that was the last i expected to her from him.

 

Fast forward a week later, we moved to campus(we're both in college) to start school...he would call me everytime he ran into me without fail or if i was hanging out with his friends. I ran into him at the gym and mustered a very quiet "hi" which he didnt hear so he thoguht i ignored him and thus that entire night and the next morning, he blew up my phone with texts and phone calls abotu why i was ignoring him (i just didnt know how to reply). He said he wanted to talk about something...when i texted him back, he said he did wanna talk about something but later cuz he was busy. I waited a week and nothing from him..at the end of that week he saw me waiting for a ride and immediately called to say hey how are u bla bal. I didn't bring up anythign about what he said about needing to talk cuz i didn't wanna apply pressure.about a few days later I IMed him casually to say hi. He started flirting with me and saying he missed the intimacy and he missed me and i should come over his house the next night and that maybe all we needed was a break. I FOOLISHLY went and u know how the night goes. Well he didn't dump me the next mornign like i feared he would...........however our "reconciliation" lasted about two weeks before I caught him flirting with another girl online..tho I didnt tell him or confront him with this. I felt at that point, it was unnecessary and a lost cause. She was only the symptom of the problem. I did however tell him that I would prefer to just be friends since he had told me his heart hasnt been in it and that he was doing this for me cuz he remembered how i apologized to him and thus he felt bad and he was trying to like me. But he much preferred to stay friends. Like a fool again...I said yea, we can be friends, watch movies once a week...at first he wasnt comfortable with the structure of "once a week" since it wasnt casual but after i told him i was fine with the breakup and i forgave him for all he did (a total lie) he agreed. Altho we agreed to be friends, he still made advances towards me and I did cuddle (clearly i wasnt very strong) but i made it clear that thsi would not continue and he said yea, he expected me to slap him or something. However i stuck with the "once a week movies" cuz i didnt wanna let go of him, as i was waiting for the end of teh weekend to watch a movie as we agreed..he randomly told me he made other plans sunday and thuoght i just meant a "general sunday" when we talked. I yelled at him for making plans and he said ok ok i'll pick u up sunday at 10 to watch a movie.

 

 

My question is, its obvious I'm not going to his house again..its obvious i cant be friends...its obvious his reconciliation although stemming from missing me and seeing me around campus...turned into staying with me out of guilt and obligation. How do I regain my dignity? I fought to hav a friendship with him ..it wuold be stupid to tell him..oh no i changed my mind, nvm, I don't feel like doing anythign with you. I feel like it will cause confusion for us both.

 

I noticed that you gator, did keep a casual contact with ur ex...and it worked to ur advantage. While I'm not stupid enoguh to fall for his crumbs again...I don't want to once again create a hostile situtation between us of "im not talkin to you till u commit to me!" becuz hes not the type to come back like that. However, I don't want him to come back out of guilt again either.

 

 

How do I do NC without making it obvious to him that I am severing all forms of communication. However a few months from now, i may want to initiate contact so i do want to leave it open..we were friends for six months prior to dating and had a very good relationship for a while and he was 110% committed...it was just towards the end that things got bad with all the stress.

 

How do you suggest I handle this

 

I kept casual contact with my ex after two months of strict NC. And then when I replied I was short and sweet and ended the convo within 5 min, I didn't really start responding to her on a serious level until she kept contacting me throughout a month of me ignoring her. Another key point, is I was over her completely before I responded to her, the emotion was out of it, I wasn't going to make a stupid emotional mistake by talking to her. I then let her initiate reconciliation not me. My point is every situation is different. I handled mine the best way possible, but NC does have flexibility.

 

My advice to you is to drop off of the radar completely, don't tell him youre ignoring him don't tell him youre not talking to him. Just stop. Don't even delete him from FB, just don't communicate with him anymore, it's college you can definitly easily avoid him. Just become a ghost to him. Work on yourself through these few weeks. You guys havent had a proper break since your breakup which is why you keep getting back together for these short 2 week bursts. Nothing has changed. I also think the guy is just doing what is convinient for him and that you can do much better than him.

 

For now just go into NC and work on you. Don't worry about him or what he thinks, NC is for you.

 

 

And a word to everyone, I know I didn't completely follow no contact but keep in mind a few things. I have a lot of experience with NC so I know how to break it without messing it up. I also knew my situation, which is not to say you guys should alll jump on breaking NC, but once you are moved on it is fine. My guide, is the quickest way to heal/get them back, it is flexible but the flexibility leaves a lot of room for error. So I'd advise you to follow it as close to a t as possible no matter the situation. There are no shortcuts in love, real change takes time, and if you rush reconciliation you may get them back but it won't last, I promise you that.

 

All the best,

-Gator

[coltsfan1]

There are no shortcuts in love, real change takes time, and if you rush reconciliation you may get them back but it won't last, I promise you that.

 

All the best,

-Gator

 

LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE!!! I got my ex back after 5 months and it didn't work due to the fact neither of us had changed... It was worse than the first time and ended terribly, you must change first then if the ex comes around truly measure their person and weigh if they are truly worth the risk!!

[jusdeena]

Hey your guide is cool but about the breadcrumbs, i keep getting them but he always says he wants me to get back together with him. Problem is i know he has no realised the value of relationship, and hasnt changed either any help?

[fetish]

 

 

 

I kept casual contact with my ex after two months of strict NC. And then when I replied I was short and sweet and ended the convo within 5 min, I didn't really start responding to her on a serious level until she kept contacting me throughout a month of me ignoring her. Another key point, is I was over her completely before I responded to her, the emotion was out of it, I wasn't going to make a stupid emotional mistake by talking to her. I then let her initiate reconciliation not me. My point is every situation is different. I handled mine the best way possible, but NC does have flexibility.

 

 

So let me get this straight, you went strict no contact for two solid months and then gradually went into L/C?

 

My ex has gone as much as 4 days with N/C since our break up 2 1/2 weeks agi. She'll send me breadcrumb texts and I try not to respond, but i end up feeling guilty later so i eventually do, even if its a day or so later.

 

See i deleted my ex from my facebook so i wouldn't be tempted to look at her page or possibly stumble across some wall posts bragging on who she got with or started dating. I was already heartbroken when i saw she had changed her relationship status before i did on mine, and she was the one who was crazy about wanting to marry me.

 

I'm glad it worked for you, but my ex is too much of a liability right now. If she recognized her problems and admitted to herself that she needed help, maybe I would give her a second chance but as of right now, our 8 year history is simply... history!

[Seraph1]

NC is all about me. Thank you for reminding me.

[Miss_G]

My question is more in line with NC bringing somebody back. Ex and I split 6 months ago but have never been NC because of child. We have had small periods of LC but always ended up friendly again. We have been out as a family, me, him and child because his parents were banded from seeing baby (long story) but that has since been resolved. Ex is having baby alone but wants to continue going out. He has told me he is still in love with me but when I am in a 'mood' it reminds him why were not together. He said last week that he 'didn't know how he felt' and then days ago said he didn't want a relationship AT THE MOMENT.

I am seeing him tomorrow and plan to confront him and ask him what he truly feels. He was a nightmare to get info out of. His family have said this. He speaks about feelings to no one. My plan is to be fabulously happy all day and towards the end of the day have a little chat with him. If he says he wants no relationship just say, confidently, that friends is a bad idea for getting over him and I need time and space away from him. Perhaps when I no longer love him and lose feelings for him we can be friends (we won't) but for now I was LC, just texting to see baby and my mum hand baby over.

My question, if its been 6 months could it bring him back or, even though we've been in contact and dated in this time, he has actually got used to life without me?

[gator12]

So let me get this straight, you went strict no contact for two solid months and then gradually went into L/C?

 

My ex has gone as much as 4 days with N/C since our break up 2 1/2 weeks agi. She'll send me breadcrumb texts and I try not to respond, but i end up feeling guilty later so i eventually do, even if its a day or so later.

 

See i deleted my ex from my facebook so i wouldn't be tempted to look at her page or possibly stumble across some wall posts bragging on who she got with or started dating. I was already heartbroken when i saw she had changed her relationship status before i did on mine, and she was the one who was crazy about wanting to marry me.

 

I'm glad it worked for you, but my ex is too much of a liability right now. If she recognized her problems and admitted to herself that she needed help, maybe I would give her a second chance but as of right now, our 8 year history is simply... history!

 

Exactly, we were in no contact solid for a little under 2 months, and then I verrrrrry slowly got back into contact with her making sure to play it right.

 

As for you and your ex, if nothing has changed than stay single. That is the irony of no contact, most of us usually realize we are a lot better off wihtout them. Unless she really changes keep it just that, history. A second chance that is doomed to fail isnt even worth it.

 

My question is more in line with NC bringing somebody back. Ex and I split 6 months ago but have never been NC because of child. We have had small periods of LC but always ended up friendly again. We have been out as a family, me, him and child because his parents were banded from seeing baby (long story) but that has since been resolved. Ex is having baby alone but wants to continue going out. He has told me he is still in love with me but when I am in a 'mood' it reminds him why were not together. He said last week that he 'didn't know how he felt' and then days ago said he didn't want a relationship AT THE MOMENT.

I am seeing him tomorrow and plan to confront him and ask him what he truly feels. He was a nightmare to get info out of. His family have said this. He speaks about feelings to no one. My plan is to be fabulously happy all day and towards the end of the day have a little chat with him. If he says he wants no relationship just say, confidently, that friends is a bad idea for getting over him and I need time and space away from him. Perhaps when I no longer love him and lose feelings for him we can be friends (we won't) but for now I was LC, just texting to see baby and my mum hand baby over.

My question, if its been 6 months could it bring him back or, even though we've been in contact and dated in this time, he has actually got used to life without me?

 

By now it may be too late for NC for anything other than the intention of moving on. However if you can do it I would still recommend it, this "friends zone" hasn't changed in the past 6 months so NC is worth a shot, regardless by now you need to start moving on and disappear from his life completely, if he wants you back that's great but disappear so he can have time to think about it and miss you.

 

-Gator

[lovnlost]

Hey there....Been broke up for a month now. We are/were very much in love...there is no denying it over the year. She pulled a NC on me because previous breakups didnt work for the same reasons. Each time it was her that came to me after I tried to give her the space she asked for. Well this time is NC. Immediately following the breakup we sent a few texts back and forth for a couple days. Nothing major. Then I tried to call her and she wouldnt pick up. Then tried to call on the weekend got nothing. I texted her and asked why she was ignoring me after we both said we were going to talk to each other some. There was still unresolved issues and I wanted closure in my way as she got hers in her own way. I was always going to give her her space as she asked. I love her so of coarse I would. Then she said to me that she doesnt want me holding on to the idea of us for happiness and that its easier this way. She may be right, but I still wanted closure. So I sent her one back saying that this is her way of dealing with things and not mine and that she knows this about who I am. I said that is completely unfair to her, me and the idea of what we are/were and the love we shared. I mentioned that she is building a damn to a river that wants to pursue its God given path and that she is trying to divert it. So after a couple days I sent her mom a message. Her and I are close. This made her mad as her previous ex went and cried to her mom before. I asked some specific questions...not cry on her shoulder. I disagreed with her moms choice of words, though she thought she was spot on. Told her that our kids need to see us pursue love and experience it with another and that is best for the kids this way, not living in an unhappy relationship for their own sake. Anyway...she deleted her FB account because of this and her ex husband whom I assume she is trying things again with because of the kids. This has always been the underlying theme. Her kids happiness. Plus he guilted her for a year. Anyway, I hope everyday to hear from her but am still moving on as well. I miss her terribly and love her greatly still....as I know she does for me as well. It goes both ways...we posses a part of each others soul. Its been 3 weeks since that last message. Is all lost? I know I cant break NC because for every step I take forward, she is taking 2 back. She needs to figure this out. THoughts???

Edited March 5, 2011 by lovnlost

[IanIan]

This sounds great. I think I might actually start a relationship just so that I can end it and take the 'go no contact' challenge.

[gator12]

Hey there....Been broke up for a month now. We are/were very much in love...there is no denying it over the year. She pulled a NC on me because previous breakups didnt work for the same reasons. Each time it was her that came to me after I tried to give her the space she asked for. Well this time is NC. Immediately following the breakup we sent a few texts back and forth for a couple days. Nothing major. Then I tried to call her and she wouldnt pick up. Then tried to call on the weekend got nothing. I texted her and asked why she was ignoring me after we both said we were going to talk to each other some. There was still unresolved issues and I wanted closure in my way as she got hers in her own way. I was always going to give her her space as she asked. I love her so of coarse I would. Then she said to me that she doesnt want me holding on to the idea of us for happiness and that its easier this way. She may be right, but I still wanted closure. So I sent her one back saying that this is her way of dealing with things and not mine and that she knows this about who I am. I said that is completely unfair to her, me and the idea of what we are/were and the love we shared. I mentioned that she is building a damn to a river that wants to pursue its God given path and that she is trying to divert it. So after a couple days I sent her mom a message. Her and I are close. This made her mad as her previous ex went and cried to her mom before. I asked some specific questions...not cry on her shoulder. I disagreed with her moms choice of words, though she thought she was spot on. Told her that our kids need to see us pursue love and experience it with another and that is best for the kids this way, not living in an unhappy relationship for their own sake. Anyway...she deleted her FB account because of this and her ex husband whom I assume she is trying things again with because of the kids. This has always been the underlying theme. Her kids happiness. Plus he guilted her for a year. Anyway, I hope everyday to hear from her but am still moving on as well. I miss her terribly and love her greatly still....as I know she does for me as well. It goes both ways...we posses a part of each others soul. Its been 3 weeks since that last message. Is all lost? I know I cant break NC because for every step I take forward, she is taking 2 back. She needs to figure this out. THoughts???

 

You did the opposite of giving her space by constantly texting/calling and then talking to her mother. Yes you want closure but she wants space so you needed to respect that. That being said you've been three weeks no contact so keep it that way, you have no reason to break it.

 

You guys are young, at least that's how it sounds from this and the fact is you will probably not get back together. She was your first love and it is hard to move on from that but you need to put all of your effort towards it. If she comes back, so be it, follow the guide but you need to accept the reality that she probably won't right now. Stay strong, and heal the only way to go from here is up.

 

-Gator

[User1029]

Wow....why couldn't you have posted this 9 months ago. This is a gold mine for everything that has happened to me and everything I went through. My ex broke up with me 9 months ago and literally went through all the "don't do's" on this list. Every now and then she would say "Hey!" and I bit at it every time. Recently we both decided to go completely NC and declared a "break from our break" so we could see what life is without each other. I initiated this because I cannot even think clearly anymore because my mind is so cluttered with thoughts about what she is doing.

 

Your quote "Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and inflames the great" is probably the best quote I've ever read in my entire life and it hit me home. Reading that caused me to have an epiphany and realize that if it is meant to be, the bond between us going NC will only grow, but if it is not, the little spark will fade away and never make a difference again. Priceless information for someone who has hurt and struggled so much for the past 9 months.

 

Thank you Gator....thank you so much.

[Miss_G]

I'm on LC at the moment and have been since Wednesday. I saw him briefly on Thursday but nothing major. Just picking up the baby. I told him straight on Weds that if we were to go out I'd want it to be leading somewhere and not just as 'mates' like he said he wanted. I told him he could think about it because he said he needed time to gather his thoughts. Personally, I think he just wanted me to shut up! I started that night on the LC and will not go out with him again unless he suggests it for the right reasons, ie. working on our relationship.

He's been away this weekend with work and I've been doing what people say, spending time with friends and keeping busy. Today however, is a low day and I just really want someone to give me a kick up the bum and keep me going. He sent me a message online saying that he was about to come home and how was our son. He usual friendly messages. Personally, i think he was bored and his colleagues would have probably been speaking to their families. Fortunately, I was away from the computer and therefore his message went unreplied and when I got back he had gone.

I sent him a text saying that I was no at the computer and our son was fine, giving him no reason to reply.

I felt really strong and independent since finishing things. I felt empowered because I had taken back some control of the situation and in my head I was thinking that if he was a man I thought and he loved me like I thought then he would realise what he was losing. But now, today, I'm just feeling like rubbish! He seems like he is not bothered any more whatsoever. And I have just found out that he has gone out with the boys tonight and now I am imagining all sorts! I thought I was doing so well and now I just shudder when I think of my future without him

[Whatshername]

I read some of your NC posts, but for some stupid reason, I did all of the don't do's out of hurt and pain from the shock of being cheated on and the realization that my hopes and dreams of marriage were not real any longer. After 4.5 years, it was hard, to just walk away silently (and retain my dignity). He had basically never allowed a REAL discussion, but instead gave me the silent treatment, which prevented me from feeling closure. Sure unanswered calls or emails SHOULD give you closure, but when your heart is broken, you have a lot of things to say. So, I made a fool of myself over some texts, and message, not much I could do after the fact.

 

I knew it was over, and returned something of his that was rather expensive which I easily could have kept, since obviously he would rather me keep it than face me. Seeing him cold, distant and very distant hurt like hell, but I do think it helped me to realize that although I thought I was missing him, in reality, I was grieving the loss of the relationship, along with what I thought was my future with him.

 

Right after that, I went on a 5 day vacation, and though it was not easy to just jump in and be merry, I made the effort to do that as best I could.

 

When I got home, I found that the change of scenery, and break in my daily routine helped me to see that NC was the only way I wanted to be from then on. It's been 2 weeks and we split 2 months ago, so this is a milestone for me.

 

Your post is spot on, and I do wish I could go back and undo all of the contact I made, which only boosted his ego and drove him away further.

[lovnlost]

You did the opposite of giving her space by constantly texting/calling and then talking to her mother. Yes you want closure but she wants space so you needed to respect that. That being said you've been three weeks no contact so keep it that way, you have no reason to break it.

 

You guys are young, at least that's how it sounds from this and the fact is you will probably not get back together. She was your first love and it is hard to move on from that but you need to put all of your effort towards it. If she comes back, so be it, follow the guide but you need to accept the reality that she probably won't right now. Stay strong, and heal the only way to go from here is up.

 

-Gator

 

We are both 32. And yes...even though I have had serious relationships....it was still my first true love experience. Her family and I are close. This is why I spoke with her mom briefly. SHe said we would always talk and communicate. She never said...."we arent talking." There in lies the confusion. But yeah...im keeping it up and doing what I can. Wish it wasnt so damn hard though. Especially knowing she is trying to hang out with her ex husband of a year for the sake of the kids. Wish this was all easier.....

Edited March 7, 2011 by lovnlost

[gator12]

I'm on LC at the moment and have been since Wednesday. I saw him briefly on Thursday but nothing major. Just picking up the baby. I told him straight on Weds that if we were to go out I'd want it to be leading somewhere and not just as 'mates' like he said he wanted. I told him he could think about it because he said he needed time to gather his thoughts. Personally, I think he just wanted me to shut up! I started that night on the LC and will not go out with him again unless he suggests it for the right reasons, ie. working on our relationship.

He's been away this weekend with work and I've been doing what people say, spending time with friends and keeping busy. Today however, is a low day and I just really want someone to give me a kick up the bum and keep me going. He sent me a message online saying that he was about to come home and how was our son. He usual friendly messages. Personally, i think he was bored and his colleagues would have probably been speaking to their families. Fortunately, I was away from the computer and therefore his message went unreplied and when I got back he had gone.

I sent him a text saying that I was no at the computer and our son was fine, giving him no reason to reply.

I felt really strong and independent since finishing things. I felt empowered because I had taken back some control of the situation and in my head I was thinking that if he was a man I thought and he loved me like I thought then he would realise what he was losing. But now, today, I'm just feeling like rubbish! He seems like he is not bothered any more whatsoever. And I have just found out that he has gone out with the boys tonight and now I am imagining all sorts! I thought I was doing so well and now I just shudder when I think of my future without him

 

Stay strong, there are always going to be bits of low in between all of your newfound happiness. I promise tomorrow will be better but for now you just need to push on through it before you get there. Count the days for now but eventually trust me you'll get to the point where you just stop counting and it will be wonderful.

 

I read some of your NC posts, but for some stupid reason, I did all of the don't do's out of hurt and pain from the shock of being cheated on and the realization that my hopes and dreams of marriage were not real any longer. After 4.5 years, it was hard, to just walk away silently (and retain my dignity). He had basically never allowed a REAL discussion, but instead gave me the silent treatment, which prevented me from feeling closure. Sure unanswered calls or emails SHOULD give you closure, but when your heart is broken, you have a lot of things to say. So, I made a fool of myself over some texts, and message, not much I could do after the fact.

 

I knew it was over, and returned something of his that was rather expensive which I easily could have kept, since obviously he would rather me keep it than face me. Seeing him cold, distant and very distant hurt like hell, but I do think it helped me to realize that although I thought I was missing him, in reality, I was grieving the loss of the relationship, along with what I thought was my future with him.

 

Right after that, I went on a 5 day vacation, and though it was not easy to just jump in and be merry, I made the effort to do that as best I could.

 

When I got home, I found that the change of scenery, and break in my daily routine helped me to see that NC was the only way I wanted to be from then on. It's been 2 weeks and we split 2 months ago, so this is a milestone for me.

 

Your post is spot on, and I do wish I could go back and undo all of the contact I made, which only boosted his ego and drove him away further.

 

Nothing you can do to reverse the past sadly. We are guilty of making mistakes but the trick is to learn from them. So hold your head high, stay in no contact and move on. Learn from the breakup and make your next relationship all the more better from it.

 

We are both 32. And yes...even though I have had serious relationships....it was still my first true love experience. Her family and I are close. This is why I spoke with her mom briefly. SHe said we would always talk and communicate. She never said...."we arent talking." There in lies the confusion. But yeah...im keeping it up and doing what I can. Wish it wasnt so damn hard though. Especially knowing she is trying to hang out with her ex husband of a year for the sake of the kids. Wish this was all easier.....

 

It is hard, but try not to think of it, get out there and date a little. Try and enjoy life even though it may seem bleak right now. There is nowhere to go from the very bottom except for up.

 

-Gator

[late_bloomer]

@gator12

 

Hello gator12,

 

Your guidance to young Chris is excellent. I am going through a situation myself, and I wanted to ask for your advice.

 

I know you are busy with school, and have many other things to do than sit on the forum, but if you ever had a free moment...I would love to hear your perspective on my no contact journey, which is beginning now.

 

I was so struck by your certainty that the girl would hit Chris up. You were so sure that it would happen, and it did. To me, this is the mark of confidence of a general.

 

This is my story - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t268630/

[arnabsuave]

gator i have been following your threads for the last 1 month...first of all congrats for getting back your gf...

 

my gf broke up with me 1.5 months back...could you suggest me something that i should do???here's the link.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t268764/

[SunsetRed]

Sometimes I dont want my dignity,I just want the tension release I'll feel by having contact with him.

 

I am at the moment hanging onto my dignity, but its hard. I'm 43 and someone my age needs to be relationship seasoned enough to pull it together. Then again, being 43 is also making me desperate as I feel like he was my last great love.

 

I keep telling myself that Contact is something I want, not something he wants. If he wanted contact, he'd contact me. The contact is for me and it wont even do me any good.

 

I am also hoping that NC is the magic tool that brings him back to me..I'm still living my life, but as a great multi tasker, I am living and wanting him back at the same time.

[MidnightinMadrid]

Gator... I have a question, its something that I've been thinking about for awhile.

 

Even though I'm in NC how to I regain my pride?

 

When he ended it I made all the mistakes you mention, crying, trying to get him to change his mind, convince him we would work, etc etc... When I saw that got me nowhere, then I went NC.

 

I regret doing it so so much, and even though it wasn't the first time he had broken up with me and I knew I was making mistake in doing all those things I couldn't help myself and did it anyway!!

 

I wish I had just agreed with him and said it was the best thing for us. Now I see that doing all those things pushed him away even more. And the worst thing is, that now even though neither of has contacted eachother for a month now... he will remember the last things I said to him! Which is so annoying!

 

So how do I regain my pride after that? Just say he broke contact is there anything I could say to make him think I had just let my emotions get the best of me and that I agree with the break up?

 

 

I feel as though in a way i'm reading my own mistake,begging and all,now that i'm on NC i can ust kick myself. I dont regret contacting him once after he slammed the door on my face,now that i think about it its been four times btwn months (i stretch it out) that I contacted him.

Now that i'm on NC,i too wonder how i can get my pride back.

Gator does have some good advice for heartbreak.

 

Sunsetred,

Age doesnt matter a bit when it comes to heartbreak,and hoping that a broken relationship will be repaired. Athough its hard for me to do so and i struggle with it,have faith,lots of it. Reading books like the SECRET,helps me out alot,if anything it would help you monitor your thoughts,and focus on what you really want . If its him thats great,no harm in that,thats why we are all here. Thats why I do think NC if anything else is the only solution when all else fails. Cant lose on doing nothing.

Edited March 13, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[agirlhere]

Sometimes I dont want my dignity,I just want the tension release I'll feel by having contact with him.

 

I am at the moment hanging onto my dignity, but its hard. I'm 43 and someone my age needs to be relationship seasoned enough to pull it together. Then again, being 43 is also making me desperate as I feel like he was my last great love.

 

I keep telling myself that Contact is something I want, not something he wants. If he wanted contact, he'd contact me. The contact is for me and it wont even do me any good.

 

I am also hoping that NC is the magic tool that brings him back to me..I'm still living my life, but as a great multi tasker, I am living and wanting him back at the same time.

 

 

I could have written that myself!!...I too am in my fourties, and feeling the exact same way...but take it from someone who took the CONTACT route the first time around....It does not work! You may get him back, but everything that happened DURING the contact will be carried forward with you into your second chance....I promise you. Heal with NC, because right now your dignity may not feel all that important....but when you lose it...it hurts like hell when time passes and it keeps replaying in your mind...hang onto it...youll be glad you did!!