Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances

[radrluv72]

I brought this whole facebook issue up in my thread. Although my ex and I aren't friends on facebook so we can't chat and such, my wall and photos were still public for anyone to see. I found myself putting up new pictures of friends and posting statuses of how well life is going mostly in hope that she would be seeing the pictures and reading my statuses. As dep pointed out, this can work in my favor...in a way such that she's seeing how I am still alive and well even WITHOUT her...but it can also be considered a form of one-way communication, perhaps?

 

Two days ago I made my wall private, and just tonight I deactivated my facebook. I found myself going to our mutual friends pages looking for any bits of info about her that I can (comments, pictures, etc) way too often, almost like it was a routine of some sort. I felt this behavior was counter-productive to the progress I've been making with NC so I decided to scrap it all and deactivate my facebook so I can't snoop around anymore. I guess it'll add a slight mystery factor surrounding myself too...

 

just my two cents.

 

I know that this may be a mite off the subject off the the thread, but this post caught my eye. My ex & I remained FB friends for 3 weeks after we split up in an effort to be friendly & cordial (he dumped me 2 days before being deployed to Afghanistan), but when I found out that a girl he'd friended within a day of breaking up with me was someone that he'd "met" off the same dating site that we had met eachother on, I confronted him, unleashed everything I'd been holding back for those 3 weeks, and told him not to contact me until he was ready to have an honest conversation about things. He promptly defriended me...I don't think he did it because he was angry about things I'd said though. I think he did it because he was doing what I told him to do...not to contact me. That was the kind of guy he was.

 

Of course, I was still looking at his page because his wall & everything else was still public, but 2 days after he defriended me he did something very odd. He made his friends list private...which that isn't the odd part, because then he must have figured out that was how I found out about the other girl. He then made any friend's posts to his page private, but left his own posts public. And it's the latter part of the observation that struck me as odd.

 

When you talk about "one-way communication"...that was the first thing I thought about my ex's new public & private info of his page. I would have figured that if he really wanted his privacy & me totally out of his life in every respect, why the hell not just privatize everything? Why go to the trouble of picking & choosing like that? My first gut feeling was that he didn't want to totally cut me out...kind of like how he wanted me to keep all the gifts he gave me while we were dating. He had said that he thought I should keep everything as a memory of something good, but that was almost like asking me to stay in the relationship instead of move on. So, I took the FB moves in same regard...he left his own posts public not necessarily to show me that he was getting on without me, but like he still wanted to have some kind of an open line. He never blocked me either...I could still send messages to him. The last message I sent to him was 7 weeks ago, telling him his gifts were on their way to him in Afghanistan via Priority Mail.

 

...And before anyone says it, no, this isn't me reaching. I know my ex. And he was probably the biggest FB stalker I know, and FB stalking seems to be an unspoken art within itself...what may seem like nothing to one FB user may speak volumes to a "stalker". There's always some kind of a reason that someone does the things that they do on FB, even if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense...lol...

[turokturok5]

i made a post about but havent got any replies, but can anyone help me, i was moving on from my ex who dumped me for being too clingy, exept she said i was the nicest and sweetest guy she had ever met, i would find someone better than her, she would introduce me to new girls when we went to uni and that she really wanted to be friends, when i look back now its kinda insulting because i talked to her the other day just asking how she was and she kind of brushed me off. I deleted her from facebook and got rid of everything she ever gave me, deleted messages etc, because i feel as if i need to move on, but her friend told me she was serious about being friends the other day and that she couldnt get me out of her head and was having a hard time, it did kind of give me hope that we can get back together, the only thing stopping me is that she said it couldnt happen again, and that if i contact her she'll class me as clingy again. I see her every now and then because we hang out in a group, she says a few words to me but i mostly try to avoid her, its been like 3 weeks since we broke up. Im trying NC, just awkward because i see her with my group, i do want to get back together, but i dont think she'd contact me as she is really shy and i was her first boyfriend, should i continue with NC, and if it doesnt work out just move on, its just pretty difficult because she was a big part of my life and we had quite a lot in common, and i felt that if she would've talked to me about what was up we could've saved our relationship, any opinions?

[gator12]

Gator

 

With your situation what happened pre-NC post BU, did you speak on friendly (ish) terms then just go NC? I'm thinking something must have spurned you to go NC so guess you must have been having "difficult" convos with her post BU but pre-NC and it wasn't going anywhere?

 

Quick thought on this one Gator and anyone else if you don't mind:

 

I was speaking to my EX on line pre-NC; I went on and woops she was there (bad move I never cut it short and we were on for an hour), she jumped on me saying "Hey you how's things" and all that, so we were talking about things and my bday came up (was soon) and she said she remembered it because the date was the same as someone's BD in her family, but on the day I never got a HB txt at all, what you think of that? I know it is only a txt but you would think that anyone that's anyone would wish someone a Happy Bday wouldn't you - especially if you just spoke to them 3 days ago. This was in the post-BU, Pre-NC stage?

2011

 

 

My ex and I, timeline.

 

Broke up 3 months ago.

NC immediately for 2 weeks.

I bit b/c she got accepted into a school she really wanted, we ended up in "friends zone" for 2 weeks. We made out a few times and I gave her her Christmas present.

Then NC for the last 2 months. She has been contacting me straqight for the last month. I got tricked into answering by a stupid blocked number and we fought but she still tried contacting afterwards.

Met her for coffee today, she wants to get back together. I told her I'll think about it (part of my guide, you can't jump on their request)

 

I personally wouldn't send them a Bday anything, but if you do a text only. Short and brief "Happy Birthday" if they reply to it then you still maintain NC. You need to really maintain NC it is the only way to give them time to miss you and help you move on at the same point. Stay strong man, if you've started NC already don't break it for a bday text. But if you do follow my advice up there. Keep it short and no further texts afterwards, that way you don't like like a jerk and at the same time really don't break NC.

 

 

hi gator,i posted my story here a while ago, altho the incident happened mos ago, around 5 mos ago to be exact.

 

back then i had no idea about NC, i just did things because it "felt right". i felt if i didnt speak to him he'd miss me. i actually did not want him back, i felt he stabbed me and injured me and gave me no reason for those actions. it was just all too cruel to me.

 

i have broken up with people before but i was not coward enough to not face them or give them a reason.

 

but when u hurt someone they are left confused, as if in limbo.

 

also he seemed confused about the decision. he was like..there is no reason, then he says i'll give u a reason after 1 week, (i did wait but nothing came up) and then he'd say he knew he made his decision about 3 weeks before making it..i kept thinking. what happened during that time? i even searched my emails and yahoo msg logs but nothing came up.

 

it seemed like a bunch of games to me.

 

for now i can realize this person is not worth my time, actually he is not attractive. i dont know why i liked him to begin with.

 

but i cant seem to LET GO of this victimized feeling i have inside.

 

i was able to go full NC for about 3 weeks, he searched high and low for me but i was invisible. finally he pulled a cheap trick. i dont want to go into details but due to that i was able to talk to him (even tho i didnt want to). he faked an identity and tried to talk as someone else to me..

 

anyway how long shud i re-start the nc? not to get him back, just to burn his image and memory from my mind. i have been grinding my teeth at night and i think its due to my anger.

 

i have actually considered a lobotomy due to this.

 

As long as it takes. When you get to that point where you wake up in the morning not thinking about him and spend a whole day with him barely even crossing your mind then you are really moved on. But if you don't even wann be friends with this guy then do it indefintly. He will reach out again I am sure, but don't be sucked into it. If he pulls another trick then simply tell him to leave you alone and that you want nothing more to do with him.

 

is there an approximate amount of time after which you can assume they will never contact you and then to say that any hope is gone?

 

Not really, I mean as a general guideline, once you get past 3 months hope starts fading. But I've seen people get back together after 6 months even years. The point of NC is to heal and to learn and change from the breakup. you shouldn't rush reconciliation. I mean my ex has been reaching out to me for the past month, and I essentially let it go on until today because I didn't want to rush back into this second chance. I wanted to make sure I really learned from the breakup and had really changed. And even though she asked me today to get back together I told her I'd think about it. I know I'll say yes but it is all part of NC. There are certain ways of doing things that just help make the second chance have the best probability of working.

 

Stay strong guys, my ex came back so there is always hope. But go into NC thinking there is none, go into NC for you. If they come back it'll just be a pleasant surprise.

 

-Gator

[gator12]

Bump

 

Alot of people don't go past page one, I just want to make sure anyone who is going through a breakup gets to see this.

 

All the best,

-Gator

[Miss_G]

gator12 - please, if you have a moment, scan over my situation. You seem to have a good understand of the NC rule and the benefits it can have. I have a child with my ex and am feeling very raw about our split. He is playing the 'friend' card at the minute and I thought things were progressing. As you will read, they are not and I have decided to close things down all together with him. So much as not even SEEING him anymore and resorting to my mum handing baby over.

I will be seeing him again on Weds and going out for the day to see an kids exihibition for my son. He is aware of it, although he is still only very young, and I don't want to let him down. I am planning on speaking calmly to ex and explaining that I don't want contact with him anymore because he is hurting me too much.

How do I go about it? Obviously, my main desire is to get him back but I am doing NC for my own good as I am sick of the pain of being disappointed over and over. How can I say it in a way that will leave a lasting impression and ultimately get the result I want, ie. a realisation of the hurt and upset he has caused to me and his family. He's said he still loves me and is IN LOVE with me but cannot handle a relationship and at this moment wants to stay friends with me. He even wants to continue seeing me as a 'family' even when said grandparent custody is sorted.

I feel he wants me still in his life because life without me is scary but doesn't want to keep me around.

Please help me. I feel sick with upset!!

[charly26]

my ex and I broke up by the end of october. it was a weird breakup because i wanted to meet her on those days to tell her i wasn't happy how things were going and she didn't agree on meeting her. I texted her telling her how i felt and she never answered back. It was like she agreed.

 

then i was for christmas that she contacted me. we met, talked. she asked ,me to to remain friends even though she said she missed me a lot (i had gone nc for 2 months), but she didn't want to come back. I said no. it was like a good bye.

 

Apparently we are both moving on. I got the feeling or hope she will contact me one day realizing what she lost. At time i miss her so much since i know nothing about her. i blocked her on Facebook, deleted from msn, and deleted her number.

 

i want her back so much, but i'd like her to change too. she's got some things in her behavior i didnt like. i hope either to get back with her one day or find a better person who shows me i can love another person the same way.

 

i go out with women sometimes and have a friend with benefits, but i still think of her everyday wondering what she's doing or if she still misses me.

 

what a hard internal battle!

[gator12]

gator12 - please, if you have a moment, scan over my situation. You seem to have a good understand of the NC rule and the benefits it can have. I have a child with my ex and am feeling very raw about our split. He is playing the 'friend' card at the minute and I thought things were progressing. As you will read, they are not and I have decided to close things down all together with him. So much as not even SEEING him anymore and resorting to my mum handing baby over.

I will be seeing him again on Weds and going out for the day to see an kids exihibition for my son. He is aware of it, although he is still only very young, and I don't want to let him down. I am planning on speaking calmly to ex and explaining that I don't want contact with him anymore because he is hurting me too much.

How do I go about it? Obviously, my main desire is to get him back but I am doing NC for my own good as I am sick of the pain of being disappointed over and over. How can I say it in a way that will leave a lasting impression and ultimately get the result I want, ie. a realisation of the hurt and upset he has caused to me and his family. He's said he still loves me and is IN LOVE with me but cannot handle a relationship and at this moment wants to stay friends with me. He even wants to continue seeing me as a 'family' even when said grandparent custody is sorted.

I feel he wants me still in his life because life without me is scary but doesn't want to keep me around.

Please help me. I feel sick with upset!!

 

Easiest way is to simply tell him, reasoning does not matter so much but if he approached you about it you simply just need to tell him that you want to be in NC with him. It doesn't matter what your reason is but all you really need to tell him is you need it for yourself, that is more than a good enough reason. The kid definitly makes things harder, but using your mom as an in-between is definitly a good way to keep your child from making this whole breakup complicated. If he is really in love with you and doesn't know what he wants, he needs to know it's all or nothing. He will realize he misses you if it is meant to be, if not you will be well on your way to moving on.

 

my ex and I broke up by the end of october. it was a weird breakup because i wanted to meet her on those days to tell her i wasn't happy how things were going and she didn't agree on meeting her. I texted her telling her how i felt and she never answered back. It was like she agreed.

 

then i was for christmas that she contacted me. we met, talked. she asked ,me to to remain friends even though she said she missed me a lot (i had gone nc for 2 months), but she didn't want to come back. I said no. it was like a good bye.

 

Apparently we are both moving on. I got the feeling or hope she will contact me one day realizing what she lost. At time i miss her so much since i know nothing about her. i blocked her on Facebook, deleted from msn, and deleted her number.

 

i want her back so much, but i'd like her to change too. she's got some things in her behavior i didnt like. i hope either to get back with her one day or find a better person who shows me i can love another person the same way.

 

i go out with women sometimes and have a friend with benefits, but i still think of her everyday wondering what she's doing or if she still misses me.

 

what a hard internal battle!

 

It is the hardest battle anyone will have to go through, stay strong the days get easier, I am not even kidding you will wake up one day and immediately not miss her that morning. You will still think of her but not nearly as much. It takes time, but stay strong.

 

-Gator

[Call Me Al]

One week down. So far, not terrible...but I do think a lot about her.

 

The hardest thing thus far has been trying to avoid dwelling on this possibly unrealistic sense of optimism that she will come back.

[Miss_G]

I am about to start NC and want it ideally to bring back ex but move on ulitmately. Can it still bring back my ex 6 months after a split up? We have never lost contact because of child and have always either been either friends or on a few dates. Will it still have the same effect or has he perhaps got used to not having me?

[sweetblubrry]

How do you know if an ex is contacting you bc they want to be friends or because they truly miss you in their life? I dont want to ask him directly bc i dont want to get hurt again if its not the answer i want to hear. Are there signs to look for?

 

There is one thing that I am confused about with the breadcrumb thing..... If you just ignore things like texts, phone calls, etc. Doesn't that make them give up? I feel if i ignore him completely he will think i hate him or something. Or is it rather a matter of just taking longer to answer them? It has been almost 4 weeks and I feel my ex is just starting the breadcrumb thing. Yesterday I happened to work with him and he was asking me questions about my life and seemed so concerned. Then tonight he commented on my fb status which he never did even when we were dating (he doesn't use fb that much). So I'm wondering if he will start texting me and I am not sure how to handle it. I do want him eventually. Should I be ignoring him completely ( that just seems detrimental to me :/) or should I be waiting like 2 days or so before replying? He broke up with me because he has issues with himself.... Not happy with his life, job right now. Other than some communication issues there really were no prob. So what is best in this situation?

Edited February 22, 2011 by sweetblubrry

[Sugarkane]

Have I done the right thing? I was dating my ex for almost a year. Our anniversary was coming up. Everyhting seemed fine, there was no fighting. The my ex calls me out of the blue and dumps me. He refused to give me any answers. He called me crazy, when I asked for any. I was in complete shock. I was devasted.

Then the next day he texts me. He said that I have no social skills and no self confidence. This isn't true, I'd become good friends with his friends. Which made the breakup twice as hard. The just to add salt into the wound he said "I should've done this ages ago". I was completely heart broken. I asked his friend about why he did a 180 in me. She told me that he's fickle and just wants to be single. So why didn't he just say so? Why be so cruel about it?

I went into NC straight away. I feel stuck. Its been 8 months. I was a good girlfriend and would never cheat. I never deserved this. He turned everyone against me. I never found out wtf happened. Why hasn't my ex contacted me even once? Why isn't my ex even curious? I never broke NC, looked on fb, begged, pleaded or anything. I can;t make any sense out of it.

[Miss_G]

Sugarkane - Without doing the whole 'your ex sounds like a jerk', he sounds very immature to me. Perhaps the realisation of being in a relationship for a year was too much for him to handle. Maybe he has commitment issues? I don't know. It seems that way. Relationships are hard work and take a lot of effort through the good and bad times. If one half of that couple are not able to deal with these complex issues then they will soon start to realise that their head is a single head. If that makes sense. Effectively, they are selfish people as they can focus only on themselves and struggle to take others into account.

My ex and I split (see my earlier posts on this thread) and I am still really cut up about it even though it has been 6 months. My ex still wants to stay in contact, be friends and even go out as a family with our child. He has given me the idea that he would perhaps like to get back together and then, when I ask him outright, goes the opposite way and says he does not.

He seems uncertain about what he wants from our relationship. Flirting, dating, touchy/feely and then NOTHING. Your ex hasn't contacted you for 8 months? Is that right? This sounds to me that he has grown away from you, at least for the time being. He is happy single quite clearly.

I have no doubt that you have been a wonderful girlfriend and he is completely unworthy of you. Hopefully, these 8 months have helped you to heal a little. Nobody expects you to be perfect, these feelings are difficult to shrug off. I know everybody says it, and I realise it doesn't really help all that much, but you need to focus on YOURSELF and get out there, test the waters. I wouldn't say go looking for someone but just be confident, rally your friends around and start moving forward with your life.

If it is meant to be with ex then you guys will find a way back together. You could run into each other one day, get talking and realise that he has grown, matured and is a better person. Equally, he may not see the 'bad' qualities he thinks are in you and see you as the fun person he fell in love with (I say this because this has happened to me before). On the flip side, you may run into him, realise he is not the one for you and will never change. You will move on and find somebody a million times the person he was. You just have to have faith in yourself and patience. That's what I'm trying to do. Love always finds a way

[dextm]

Broke up 1 month ago, went semi-NC for 20 days, but full NC 1 week ago. Have not spoken to her except for work-related reasons. Today (end of day, 40 mins ago), on my first day off, she texted me: "Hope you are enjoying your first day off." Breadcrumbs?

[gator12]

Have I done the right thing? I was dating my ex for almost a year. Our anniversary was coming up. Everyhting seemed fine, there was no fighting. The my ex calls me out of the blue and dumps me. He refused to give me any answers. He called me crazy, when I asked for any. I was in complete shock. I was devasted.

Then the next day he texts me. He said that I have no social skills and no self confidence. This isn't true, I'd become good friends with his friends. Which made the breakup twice as hard. The just to add salt into the wound he said "I should've done this ages ago". I was completely heart broken. I asked his friend about why he did a 180 in me. She told me that he's fickle and just wants to be single. So why didn't he just say so? Why be so cruel about it?

I went into NC straight away. I feel stuck. Its been 8 months. I was a good girlfriend and would never cheat. I never deserved this. He turned everyone against me. I never found out wtf happened. Why hasn't my ex contacted me even once? Why isn't my ex even curious? I never broke NC, looked on fb, begged, pleaded or anything. I can;t make any sense out of it.

 

He doesn't miss you is why, and personally he sounds like a real jerk. You are much better off without him. I'm sure you were a wonderful girlfriend but some people are just immature in relationships. Don't worry about making sense of it, just live your life, there are 100s of other guys out there that would be lucky to have you.

 

Broke up 1 month ago, went semi-NC for 20 days, but full NC 1 week ago. Have not spoken to her except for work-related reasons. Today (end of day, 40 mins ago), on my first day off, she texted me: "Hope you are enjoying your first day off." Breadcrumbs?

 

Yes. Reread the section, anything but an I want to get back together with you is a breadcrumb. Plus it's only been a week. I mean that's along the lines of a "How are you?" Like my ex sent me, stay strong and be persistent.

 

And I forgot to quote someone on the prev page, but my response is, yes NC can make them give up. But the fact is it weeds out who is really meant to be with you and wants to be with you. If someone really loves you, no amount of ignoring will drive them away, people fight for what they want. Lol I mean look at my ex, she broke NC with me for 1 straight month of me ignoring her, a whole month and she still kept on going.

 

-Gator

[roman_pavluchenko]

gator, i was hanging out with my ex's best friend today at uni and she saw us together and seemed really pissed off. Her best friend has a boyfriend who she really loves and i have no feelings towards her what so ever, we've been friends for a while, is this a sign of jealousy and she possibly has feelings for me still? her best friend said that they have never had an argument/fight or anything before

[Orion4]

Gator, any input on my issue?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=265396

[Heartbroken30]

Hi Gator. I have read this thread all the way through and you seem to know a lot about the concept and ways of NC so I'd like to ask you for some input on how I handled the break up and the NC afterwards and whether I did it right or wrong.

 

My ex-bf broke up with me coming up on 1 month on Monday. Yes I did all the wrong things, I begged, I pleaded, I cried and promised a change. He said he needed time to himself and he wanted to be friends but needed space first to do that. So we went NC for one week and I caved and sent a text saying I hate that we have to ignore each other and he replied again with "I want to stay in touch with you but I feel it's too soon for that right now". So the next day I sent an email saying I agree with his decision and will give him space and whenever he is ready to be in contact again, I will be ready as well. Now my question is, sending that email defeat the purpose of NC? Am I not supposed to tell him that I will not be contacting him and the ball is in his court? He did not respond to that email as I knew he wouldn't and have since been NC at all for 2 weeks. Now in saying all this I know that he did start looking for and dating other women and my gut is telling me his is doing it to fill a void in his life as most of his friends are either coupled or married and he is alone.

 

What do you think my chances are that he will contact me? I'm ok even with the fact that we will be friends because being in touch and talking on a friendly basis again could open up the opportunity for a reconciliation. But I hope I didn't ruin it with that email

[gator12]

gator, i was hanging out with my ex's best friend today at uni and she saw us together and seemed really pissed off. Her best friend has a boyfriend who she really loves and i have no feelings towards her what so ever, we've been friends for a while, is this a sign of jealousy and she possibly has feelings for me still? her best friend said that they have never had an argument/fight or anything before

 

Nobody really knows, it could be a sign of jealousy, but i emphasize could. You don't need to jump on it even if it is jealousy, she has no control of you hanging out with her friend so don't worry about it. Just live your life and stay in NC, if your really wants to come back, nothing will stop her.

 

Hi Gator. I have read this thread all the way through and you seem to know a lot about the concept and ways of NC so I'd like to ask you for some input on how I handled the break up and the NC afterwards and whether I did it right or wrong.

 

My ex-bf broke up with me coming up on 1 month on Monday. Yes I did all the wrong things, I begged, I pleaded, I cried and promised a change. He said he needed time to himself and he wanted to be friends but needed space first to do that. So we went NC for one week and I caved and sent a text saying I hate that we have to ignore each other and he replied again with "I want to stay in touch with you but I feel it's too soon for that right now". So the next day I sent an email saying I agree with his decision and will give him space and whenever he is ready to be in contact again, I will be ready as well. Now my question is, sending that email defeat the purpose of NC? Am I not supposed to tell him that I will not be contacting him and the ball is in his court? He did not respond to that email as I knew he wouldn't and have since been NC at all for 2 weeks. Now in saying all this I know that he did start looking for and dating other women and my gut is telling me his is doing it to fill a void in his life as most of his friends are either coupled or married and he is alone.

 

What do you think my chances are that he will contact me? I'm ok even with the fact that we will be friends because being in touch and talking on a friendly basis again could open up the opportunity for a reconciliation. But I hope I didn't ruin it with that email

 

The email is fine, there is nothing you can do to change it. It just makes it harder for them to be curious with you giving them a reason. I mean think about it, when they break up with you they never give a good reason and it drives you crazy until you know it, right? Same concept. You need to stay in NC, if he wants you back he will come right back to you,guys are very direct about it, so you cannot bite on any of his crumbs along the way. And I would go against talking on a "friendly" basis because that is not what you want, it will only serve to hurt you every day and at the same time ruin chances of reconciliation. Again this is just a guide and needs to be done the right way. You can't just sit and wait for him to come back, you need to improve yourself and live your life thinking he will never come back. That will make it all the more easy on you.

 

All the best,

 

-Gator

[flow15]

Gator... I have a question, its something that I've been thinking about for awhile.

 

Even though I'm in NC how to I regain my pride?

 

When he ended it I made all the mistakes you mention, crying, trying to get him to change his mind, convince him we would work, etc etc... When I saw that got me nowhere, then I went NC.

 

I regret doing it so so much, and even though it wasn't the first time he had broken up with me and I knew I was making mistake in doing all those things I couldn't help myself and did it anyway!!

 

I wish I had just agreed with him and said it was the best thing for us. Now I see that doing all those things pushed him away even more. And the worst thing is, that now even though neither of has contacted eachother for a month now... he will remember the last things I said to him! Which is so annoying!

 

So how do I regain my pride after that? Just say he broke contact is there anything I could say to make him think I had just let my emotions get the best of me and that I agree with the break up?

[kris-26]

Is NC still the best way to go if the ex is checking in on your for medical reasons? Or is it best to cut all ties and move on?

[califsb]

Quick Q

 

My ex is stuck and after 6 months of hot and cold and me being on a rollercoaster.. i told her I could nto do this a few weeks back. I told her i loved her and she knows it and she needed to figure herslef out etc.

 

NC for 3 weeks.. excpet on Vday i sent her a text saying hi and happy vday. She wrote back saying she misses spedning time wtih me and told many of my friends who she is in contact with she really misses me but wanted to be friends.. for now. Her big line was : I am just not ready for this now"

 

On monday I saw her for 2 hours and we had a heart to heart.. i didnot plead but we talked and i told her i know you dont want a R.. she wants to be friends.. i kind of was unsure and i agreed.. so she said she would text me in a week or so to go hang out.. or for a hike..

 

Now I dont want to be friends.. Its too hard.

 

When she texts me I am going to tell her I can not be friends and cannot hang out with her.

 

The Q i have for you.. friend.. is did i mess up and starting a new NC now is it going to be any good.

 

I know she cares about me and a part of her wants to keep the door open.

 

She is 33 and I am 40 and we were super close and had amazing time but she was in and out and said she needs to deal with herself before she can totally get into a rull R!!..

 

[Sugarkane]

Sugarkane -

If it is meant to be with ex then you guys will find a way back together. You could run into each other one day, get talking and realise that he has grown, matured and is a better person.

Thanks for your replys. I never would, ever could get back together with my ex again. Unless for revenge. Why don't these people ever change? Why don't they ever regret it, until its too late? My exes extreme arrogence and selfishness digusts me. He treate me like ****, yet he's friends with all his ex flings! To use them as backups? I just want revenge. I wish that someone would totally screw this guy over. Coz I would laugh my ass off. He does this ****, yet everything always works out in the end for him. Where's so called karma now?

[Sugarkane]

Gator what do I do, when my ex left everything 100% unresolved? I didn't even get a conversation.

[gator12]

Gator... I have a question, its something that I've been thinking about for awhile.

 

Even though I'm in NC how to I regain my pride?

 

When he ended it I made all the mistakes you mention, crying, trying to get him to change his mind, convince him we would work, etc etc... When I saw that got me nowhere, then I went NC.

 

I regret doing it so so much, and even though it wasn't the first time he had broken up with me and I knew I was making mistake in doing all those things I couldn't help myself and did it anyway!!

 

I wish I had just agreed with him and said it was the best thing for us. Now I see that doing all those things pushed him away even more. And the worst thing is, that now even though neither of has contacted eachother for a month now... he will remember the last things I said to him! Which is so annoying!

 

So how do I regain my pride after that? Just say he broke contact is there anything I could say to make him think I had just let my emotions get the best of me and that I agree with the break up?

 

If he breaks contact you still don't reply, reread the section on breadcrumbs. He will expect you to reply, you not replying shows you have self respect, and then later when it does get to that point where you should reply it will be your actions that have to show you're not dependent like you were immediately after the breakup. The trick to this is that you really need to feel this way, you can't fake it. If your ex really knows you they will see through the lies.

 

Is NC still the best way to go if the ex is checking in on your for medical reasons? Or is it best to cut all ties and move on?

 

I'd say cut all ties, if you feel the need to reply you need to be to the point and don't open a convo with them. I hoever urge you not to, because the second they reply you will most likely jump back into communicating with them and will be all emotional. When I broke NC with my ex, after a month of her contacting me to no avail, I did it with extreme indifference. She knew that I was not emotional and was not dependent on her, and I'm sure it only attracted her more to me. But If you're not at this point then don't even reply, or you will mess up any progress you've made.

 

Quick Q

 

My ex is stuck and after 6 months of hot and cold and me being on a rollercoaster.. i told her I could nto do this a few weeks back. I told her i loved her and she knows it and she needed to figure herslef out etc.

 

NC for 3 weeks.. excpet on Vday i sent her a text saying hi and happy vday. She wrote back saying she misses spedning time wtih me and told many of my friends who she is in contact with she really misses me but wanted to be friends.. for now. Her big line was : I am just not ready for this now"

 

On monday I saw her for 2 hours and we had a heart to heart.. i didnot plead but we talked and i told her i know you dont want a R.. she wants to be friends.. i kind of was unsure and i agreed.. so she said she would text me in a week or so to go hang out.. or for a hike..

 

Now I dont want to be friends.. Its too hard.

 

When she texts me I am going to tell her I can not be friends and cannot hang out with her.

 

The Q i have for you.. friend.. is did i mess up and starting a new NC now is it going to be any good.

 

I know she cares about me and a part of her wants to keep the door open.

 

She is 33 and I am 40 and we were super close and had amazing time but she was in and out and said she needs to deal with herself before she can totally get into a rull R!!..

 

 

Take a deep breath, yes you messed up. But it isn't the end of the world, there is no such thing as too far unless you kill her dog or something lol. My point is, I did the friends thing with my ex and then went back into NC and then got back together with her, so there's always a chance.

 

Gator what do I do, when my ex left everything 100% unresolved? I didn't even get a conversation.

 

You're better off without him, honestly I doubt the reason they would give you would even be a good one. Just cut your losses and eliminate them from your life. You've done well so far, so just stay strong.

 

 

I cannot stress enough how you should not go into NC with the mindset of getting your ex back. NC is first and foremost a mechanism to move on, and should be treated as such. If your ex should want to come back I gave you the advice on how to handle it without messing it up, breadcrumbs and all so please follow it. But don't sit at home counting the days, wondering when they will miss you. Assume never, live your life, get over this dependency on one person and you will forever be better for it, and your second chance will also be better should you get it.

 

-Gator

[Sugarkane]

Thanks Gator