Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances

[depplover_1980]

Am4real,

I'll have to disagree. I read and have been a fan of Caliguy's NC rule way before I joined LS,and I must say it is refreshing to get a new imput on NC. I hope someone else puts more posting on NC. Why because We all NEED to read and hear it. Obviously No contact has been a problem for many folks here,i'm no exception, to tackle,and one can't read enough about NC. In fact Every poster,the ones that has succesfully moved on should always write and give advice on that subject.

Caliguy's has written a well known thread howeveryou can read that one so much. True following it is just as important,however,NC is an important subject that everyone,should always share and post advice,and Gator did just that.

 

Gator,

You among other people said not to respond to the ex if they're only throwing you a line or they'll dissappear again, That is true,because the last time i responded to his contact,we ended up arguing bc this was a far cry to I miss you,i want you back. in fact all he did was let me know how much his cow gf meant to him,basically she's important youre not,we can only be friends,deal.

Question is,Do you believe had I not responded to him,we would still be talking?

he cut me off after the silly argument)

Also, most dumpees would love to hear from their exes,one way or another,wouldn't ignoring their contact risking not ever hearing from them again?

he ignored mine and I kept tryng to reach out. Thats me,but i doubt he would do the same. It would serve me right to do to him what he did to me. Its just not willing to risk that bc it would be decent to hear from him.

 

Agreed. No contact is not copyrighted by Caliguy and is common sense behavioural psychology. It is fantastic that Gator took his time out to sit and put the piece together to help others and not anywhere within his posts does he look to boost his ego. He comes across as a selfless person whose own recovery relies greatly on helping others through tough times.

[wmrjw82]

I just want to add that gator your advice has helped me tremendously with my situation. I know you, dep, and others have been helping me out in my thread and I just want to say this advice is INVALUABLE.

 

As far as my situation goes, i'm now 17 days into NC. The ex contacted me last Wednesday in regards to my custody trial but nothing about how I was doing or missing me, etc. With the help of gator and others I was able to ignore this "breadcrumb" and stay strong in my NC (so far anyway). In a way, I think her communication was a way to clear her own conscience for how she ended things (doing it over facebook) but I still didn't bite. I dont hate her and I would give her a second chance... but I honestly dont expect it to come from her. She is very proud and always said if she never envisioned marrying someone she stopped dating them. For good. Well, she already informed me in the beginning of the breakup (took me 2 weeks to move out and I was chasing her during that time) that she didn't want to marry me EVER. That says alot to me.

 

Anyway... I dont want to get too much into my own story because i'll save that for my thread but thanks again gator for another quality thread.

[gator12]

Thank you so much guys, I really am trying, I just want to help as much as I can we all need it. I'm really touched by your good opinions of me, thank you.

 

Midnight,

He may or may not still be reaching out to you but it doesn't matter. I mean I accidentally bit my ex's crumb and it ended in a fight but she's back again. I doubt one fight ruins a desire to get back together. Just don't bite again, not until you hear the words they want to tell you, that is perhaps my biggest stress on NC. People don't do it and a chance is missed, stay strong everything will work out for you in the end.

 

I hope this guide helps many more people from making the mistakes that both hurt them and hurt second chances.

 

All the best,

-Gator

[Seriously1223]

What about NC and Facebook? My ex can't chat with me but I figure it can't hurt that he can see that I'm going out more and made new friends?

[Layzie89]

What about NC and Facebook? My ex can't chat with me but I figure it can't hurt that he can see that I'm going out more and made new friends?

I brought this whole facebook issue up in my thread. Although my ex and I aren't friends on facebook so we can't chat and such, my wall and photos were still public for anyone to see. I found myself putting up new pictures of friends and posting statuses of how well life is going mostly in hope that she would be seeing the pictures and reading my statuses. As dep pointed out, this can work in my favor...in a way such that she's seeing how I am still alive and well even WITHOUT her...but it can also be considered a form of one-way communication, perhaps?

 

Two days ago I made my wall private, and just tonight I deactivated my facebook. I found myself going to our mutual friends pages looking for any bits of info about her that I can (comments, pictures, etc) way too often, almost like it was a routine of some sort. I felt this behavior was counter-productive to the progress I've been making with NC so I decided to scrap it all and deactivate my facebook so I can't snoop around anymore. I guess it'll add a slight mystery factor surrounding myself too...

 

just my two cents.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Layzie89

[MovingOn13]

Great post gator. I am 1 month into NC following a 5 yr relationship. We started dating when we were 15 and we were fine up until 3 months ago. I think she caught the partying bug...and decided to find greener grass.

 

The way she broke up was pathetic...maybe she was honestly afraid of hurting me or just didnt care. At first she told me she needed time to herself but that we werent broken up ( in my ignorance i accepted this, next time ill break it then and there) and then during the following days she would still txt me and even mentioned a song that reminded her of me.

 

Then i came to find out via FB she took off the "in a relationship with" without saying it to my face...so i went and talked her and told her it wasnt what i wanted but i accepted it and i didnt want to be friends b/c id always want to do the things i did...hug kiss etc and she started crying about it.

 

Later on she found out i remvoed her from my live: deleted fb, black berry messenger etc. and her bestfriend txted me saying she was upset about that.

 

NC has helped me so much...and its through posts like yours that really direct people in the right direction. NC is for you and for you only. I especially like your quote about absence. It's incredibly true. I am now seeing the relationship in a different, more objective view. A view i could not have been able to see had i stayed in contact. I wanted her in my life, but i dont need her, and that is a point people have to accept...happiness starts and ends with you...anybody else ( aside from your god and family) is a complement.

[gator12]

Great post gator. I am 1 month into NC following a 5 yr relationship. We started dating when we were 15 and we were fine up until 3 months ago. I think she caught the partying bug...and decided to find greener grass.

 

The way she broke up was pathetic...maybe she was honestly afraid of hurting me or just didnt care. At first she told me she needed time to herself but that we werent broken up ( in my ignorance i accepted this, next time ill break it then and there) and then during the following days she would still txt me and even mentioned a song that reminded her of me.

 

Then i came to find out via FB she took off the "in a relationship with" without saying it to my face...so i went and talked her and told her it wasnt what i wanted but i accepted it and i didnt want to be friends b/c id always want to do the things i did...hug kiss etc and she started crying about it.

 

Later on she found out i remvoed her from my live: deleted fb, black berry messenger etc. and her bestfriend txted me saying she was upset about that.

 

NC has helped me so much...and its through posts like yours that really direct people in the right direction. NC is for you and for you only. I especially like your quote about absence. It's incredibly true. I am now seeing the relationship in a different, more objective view. A view i could not have been able to see had i stayed in contact. I wanted her in my life, but i dont need her, and that is a point people have to accept...happiness starts and ends with you...anybody else ( aside from your god and family) is a complement.

 

I'm glad you've made it to this point. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but that is what happens with first loves. I dated mine for three years right around the time you guys dated and it ended. Girls need to go out and date a little bit, and after it gets serious enough they become committment phobes and make up a reason to get out of the relationship. The statistic of high school sweethearts making it to a successful marriage is something like 1/2%. It is a rarity because people will always be curious at the younger ages. It is GIGS in a sense, but a little more normal at your age than with a girl who's in her mid 20's and up you know? But I'm glad this guide is helping people, everyone needs to look on the bright side of things and follow my advice.

 

Life is wonderful, and you are the only person that defines you.

-Gator

[MidnightinMadrid]

Gator,or anyone who wishes to comment,

 

I rather trade a male version of your ex than mine,at least she tried to reach out to you and would never ignore you,to me that says alot bout the person character. The way he handled things is making me really ponder,why would I want this kind of person back.

 

You said don't bite unless they tell you something positive,suppose some people cant really come out and say they want you back,like your ex when I read your post-even though it looks as if she is headed in the reconciling direction:)

 

Isnt the fact an ex that reaching out is good sign in it self?

I agree LC, Lowcontact many times doesnt lead to anything,but don't you think its way better than never talking to them again? which may happen if you totally ignore them.

 

PS you can tell by my questions if (better yet when,always want to be positive) he contacts me, I may fall for the same patterns.

I really don't want to,especially when i took the bite last time and that gave him the excuse to run again.

My plan when he finally opens that door is to really let him know that his treatment is uncalled for. I resent that I can't do it now

Edited February 18, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[broken-and-lost]

bump this important for a lot of people hurting right now, god i wish this pain would piss off..............

[JasonRules]

bump this important for a lot of people hurting right now, god i wish this pain would piss off..............

 

 

The pain isn't going to piss off on it's on. You have to MAKE IT piss off.

[depplover_1980]

The pain isn't going to piss off on it's on. You have to MAKE IT piss off.

I second this sentiment to you and to all. If you had an injury or illness, you would take steps to make yourself well again. Same really does apply here.

[gator12]

Gator,or anyone who wishes to comment,

 

I rather trade a male version of your ex than mine,at least she tried to reach out to you and would never ignore you,to me that says alot bout the person character. The way he handled things is making me really ponder,why would I want this kind of person back.

 

You said don't bite unless they tell you something positive,suppose some people cant really come out and say they want you back,like your ex when I read your post-even though it looks as if she is headed in the reconciling direction:)

 

Isnt the fact an ex that reaching out is good sign in it self?

I agree LC, Lowcontact many times doesnt lead to anything,but don't you think its way better than never talking to them again? which may happen if you totally ignore them.

 

PS you can tell by my questions if (better yet when,always want to be positive) he contacts me, I may fall for the same patterns.

I really don't want to,especially when i took the bite last time and that gave him the excuse to run again.

My plan when he finally opens that door is to really let him know that his treatment is uncalled for. I resent that I can't do it now

 

I agree with that comment of the character, but in some cases it's better if they don't reach out. Like say your ex knows for a fact he's over you, it does both of you good that he doesn't reach out and isn't trying ti "have his cake and eat it too". That would give him a better character. Idk am glad my ex has reached out to me, and I am sorry she got hurt after she broke up with me and had I been with her I would have protected her from it. But she had to pay the consequences for her actions you know?

 

I say NC is still better, because you can always reach out to an ex, and the best point to do that if they never reach out to you is after you have moved on. That way you can be friends when romantic interest is gone. My first serious ex and I stopped talking for a year but then I reached out after I was completely over her and now we are amazing friends. LC will only serve to hinder your healing, if he wants you back he will make contact.

 

And your point about them not being able to say it out loud is a good one. Like my ex, she is naturally bad with emotions, at least saying them sometimes. That combined with her level of guilt for cheating on me will probably prevent her from ever saying it completely that she wants me back, she's probably too ashamed. But I waited a few weeks of her still contacting me, and it seems likely that she wants reconciliation. I needed a foundation before I made the first move, since she is too ashamed, I wasn't about to make it with nothing but a guess that she may want reconciliation. And I am still taking it slow, I am have a short coffee date with her (should she say yes) and then we'll see where it goes from there. I advocate strict NC but yes some situations you have to take the ball back in your hands, the key is when. I waited a month of her contacting me before I made this decision. Lol some people on this site would say, no you don't break NC unless they are banging on your door lol, it's all a matter of opinion. But NC will get you 90% of the way if they are coming back.

 

-Gator

[marigo]

Great post Gator!! I have been in NC for a while now. A part of me regret not doing it right after the break up because I did it 3 months after the break up. I must say, i think i was friend zoned. But a part of me also keeps thinking the "what if" i didnt do NC, would he have started dating his gf now. Anyway, its been a year since the break up for me. I must say even though, a part of me was doing NC for the chance of him missing me, i know for the most part, it truly has helped me heal. I wouldnt say i am fully healed now. I still get sad and cry a lot, but i realize that i feel better not talking to him or not seeing him. I still feel the temporary happiness whenever i do see him (yes, i cant completely go NC because we go to the same school and we work together), i realized that after that moment of seeing him, i get so emotional. Thats when i realize that not seeing him or talking to him is better for me no matter how much it hurts. Now, i even try to go out of my way to avoid him.

 

I feel like i have accepted the break up and i have accepted that hes not coming back. I think what i cant let go of, is the fact that hes already in love with someone else and happy with someone else, while im not. Just curious though, i know NC is to give yourself the time to heal and also could be a way for your ex to miss you and maybe to get a second chance but either way, NC helps you move on. But what about for people like myself who had been broken up to because the ex says "i love you but im not in love with you." That means there is no chance of getting back together? Or how exactly is NC going to give us a second chance? Because the problem is bigger than just fighting and arguments, the problem is that there are no more feelings. i still dont get this but this is the reason my ex gave me, he said he no longer feels the same way about me. So does that mean he doesnt miss me?

Edited February 18, 2011 by marigo

[Gabari0219]

My ex said the same thing to me after 10yr "I love you but not in love with you"

 

Than I read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/?highlight=grass+green

 

And it all made sense...

 

Yes I love her and want her and my family back (we have 2 kids)...but doing NC ..is for us to heal..and maybe to give us a 2nd change! But Nc is really for us...and to take back control, and for them to see what a mistake they made.

[justletgox51]

Hi, Gator!

 

Um, you see my ex (we broke up about 2 months ago) and for the first month, I just kept chasing and pleading and begging him to come back to me. Obviously, that didn't work anymore because he was tired of the "on and off" relationship we had. Until we had this big conversation on Christmas day that lead to apologizes, him telling me to move on now, and told me his plans about our one year that was supposed to happen but I blew it 'cause after he broke up with him; I kept chasing him and he just took advantage of that and played with my emotions therefore, I just gave up. However, on the first week of New Year he told my close friend that he wanted to be friends since he doesn't hate me but in my heart, I still loved him and I was hurt from the things he told me on the phone on Christmas day and all the horrible things he did to me right after we broke up. (If you want you can read my previous threads...) Anyway, being friends did not happen because I didn't want to be his friend anymore after getting rejected by him for not being his friend after we broke up. And now, it hurts me that he ignores me at school... And my best friend told me that whenever my ex sees my best friend, he'd be acting like a flirt to my other acquaintances at school, play lovey dovey with all the young girls he passes by (he's very popular in our high school) and my acquaintances have told my best friend that he's not worth it anymore because he has changed SO MUCH previously. He's not the boy who was friendly and nice to everyone, because now I feel like he just wants attention from everyone and is trying too hard to catch a girl's attention because my best friend has also told me he's checking with 4 other girls one year younger than me (grade 9s) and... It hurts. Help?

[gator12]

Great post Gator!! I have been in NC for a while now. A part of me regret not doing it right after the break up because I did it 3 months after the break up. I must say, i think i was friend zoned. But a part of me also keeps thinking the "what if" i didnt do NC, would he have started dating his gf now. Anyway, its been a year since the break up for me. I must say even though, a part of me was doing NC for the chance of him missing me, i know for the most part, it truly has helped me heal. I wouldnt say i am fully healed now. I still get sad and cry a lot, but i realize that i feel better not talking to him or not seeing him. I still feel the temporary happiness whenever i do see him (yes, i cant completely go NC because we go to the same school and we work together), i realized that after that moment of seeing him, i get so emotional. Thats when i realize that not seeing him or talking to him is better for me no matter how much it hurts. Now, i even try to go out of my way to avoid him.

 

I feel like i have accepted the break up and i have accepted that hes not coming back. I think what i cant let go of, is the fact that hes already in love with someone else and happy with someone else, while im not. Just curious though, i know NC is to give yourself the time to heal and also could be a way for your ex to miss you and maybe to get a second chance but either way, NC helps you move on. But what about for people like myself who had been broken up to because the ex says "i love you but im not in love with you." That means there is no chance of getting back together? Or how exactly is NC going to give us a second chance? Because the problem is bigger than just fighting and arguments, the problem is that there are no more feelings. i still dont get this but this is the reason my ex gave me, he said he no longer feels the same way about me. So does that mean he doesnt miss me?

 

Okay, well sometimes people do lose that feeling of love, it is very much possible. It is rare but sometimes they get it back and come back but usually when the love is lost there is no way to get them back. At that point NC is still done for what it is meant to do, to help you move on. If your ex said he's not in love with you anymore, there is a chance he didn't mean it but it has been a year, so realistically we have to assume he did. I know it is hard to accept but sometimes there is just nothing we can do, some people are only in our lives for a season.

 

Hi, Gator!

 

Um, you see my ex (we broke up about 2 months ago) and for the first month, I just kept chasing and pleading and begging him to come back to me. Obviously, that didn't work anymore because he was tired of the "on and off" relationship we had. Until we had this big conversation on Christmas day that lead to apologizes, him telling me to move on now, and told me his plans about our one year that was supposed to happen but I blew it 'cause after he broke up with him; I kept chasing him and he just took advantage of that and played with my emotions therefore, I just gave up. However, on the first week of New Year he told my close friend that he wanted to be friends since he doesn't hate me but in my heart, I still loved him and I was hurt from the things he told me on the phone on Christmas day and all the horrible things he did to me right after we broke up. (If you want you can read my previous threads...) Anyway, being friends did not happen because I didn't want to be his friend anymore after getting rejected by him for not being his friend after we broke up. And now, it hurts me that he ignores me at school... And my best friend told me that whenever my ex sees my best friend, he'd be acting like a flirt to my other acquaintances at school, play lovey dovey with all the young girls he passes by (he's very popular in our high school) and my acquaintances have told my best friend that he's not worth it anymore because he has changed SO MUCH previously. He's not the boy who was friendly and nice to everyone, because now I feel like he just wants attention from everyone and is trying too hard to catch a girl's attention because my best friend has also told me he's checking with 4 other girls one year younger than me (grade 9s) and... It hurts. Help?

 

Stay in NC, follow the guide. Being friends will do nothing but hurt you. You are still young, trust me you have plenty of love and loss to experience before you find mr Right. NC is to get your mind off of him and move on, if he comes back that is a different story, and that is when you follow my advice on breadcrumbs etc. AND REALLY FOLLOW IT. But until then, live for you, life is to short to sit in mourning, be happy there are so many beautiful things in your life, your bf was just one of them.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

Quick question:

 

My ex-gf co-worker broke it off with me and I've had strict NC for 5 days now. She wanted us to stay good friends but I initiated NC for my own good. She no longer tries to reach out to me, tries to avoid/ignore me at work as much as possible, and blocked me on Messenger as well (I did it to her first). Basically, whatever methods I've employed to try to avoid her...she's doin' the same to me. She's playing the same "game" I'm playing (i.e. trying to make her miss me). Sadly, it's working... I initiated NC and I know there's a chance we may never be together again, but I still enjoy being chased, being desired, being needed, even if it's not for right reasons (to get back into a relationship).

 

Is she really playing my own game, is she on the path of self-healing, or is it really over aka friendship isn't even a possibility? Or am I simply over-analyzing only after a week?

[broken-and-lost]

I second this sentiment to you and to all. If you had an injury or illness, you would take steps to make yourself well again. Same really does apply here.

 

I agree with you and i'm working on it, just not like turning off a light, i've gone NC after 5 months and will just try and build from here but it's not easy starting again at 36 trust me, i've been doing all the things i need to improve myself the next part is convincing myself to move on, that the person i loved just wasn't the right one, that part is the hard part. It's one day at a time, the hard part is going to bed and waking up the next morning as you can't control what you mind is thinking while you sleep......

[justletgox51]

Thank you so much, Gator! And yes I'm still young and yes you're right that it'll take many love and losses to find my Mr. Right. I'm still on strict NC; it gets easier everyday except when I hear or see him (which is a bummer), but thank you for this advice Keep up the great advices, and the actions you have showed for everyone else about following NC, the bread crumbs, etc.

[gator12]

Quick question:

 

My ex-gf co-worker broke it off with me and I've had strict NC for 5 days now. She wanted us to stay good friends but I initiated NC for my own good. She no longer tries to reach out to me, tries to avoid/ignore me at work as much as possible, and blocked me on Messenger as well (I did it to her first). Basically, whatever methods I've employed to try to avoid her...she's doin' the same to me. She's playing the same "game" I'm playing (i.e. trying to make her miss me). Sadly, it's working... I initiated NC and I know there's a chance we may never be together again, but I still enjoy being chased, being desired, being needed, even if it's not for right reasons (to get back into a relationship).

 

Is she really playing my own game, is she on the path of self-healing, or is it really over aka friendship isn't even a possibility? Or am I simply over-analyzing only after a week?

 

Stay in NC, my ex probably thought I was dead for a good 2 months before she tried reaching out to me. She'll reach out when she's good and ready but the importnat thing to do is not jump on the crumbs which you will be likely to do since she is ignoring you. She may never reach out but if that is the case then you will be well on your way to moving on.

 

-Gator

[2011]

Stay in NC, my ex probably thought I was dead for a good 2 months before she tried reaching out to me. She'll reach out when she's good and ready but the importnat thing to do is not jump on the crumbs which you will be likely to do since she is ignoring you. She may never reach out but if that is the case then you will be well on your way to moving on.

 

-Gator

 

Gator

 

With your situation what happened pre-NC post BU, did you speak on friendly (ish) terms then just go NC? I'm thinking something must have spurned you to go NC so guess you must have been having "difficult" convos with her post BU but pre-NC and it wasn't going anywhere?

 

Quick thought on this one Gator and anyone else if you don't mind:

 

I was speaking to my EX on line pre-NC; I went on and woops she was there (bad move I never cut it short and we were on for an hour), she jumped on me saying "Hey you how's things" and all that, so we were talking about things and my bday came up (was soon) and she said she remembered it because the date was the same as someone's BD in her family, but on the day I never got a HB txt at all, what you think of that? I know it is only a txt but you would think that anyone that's anyone would wish someone a Happy Bday wouldn't you - especially if you just spoke to them 3 days ago. This was in the post-BU, Pre-NC stage?

2011

Edited February 19, 2011 by 2011

[wbr4p]

hi gator,i posted my story here a while ago, altho the incident happened mos ago, around 5 mos ago to be exact.

 

back then i had no idea about NC, i just did things because it "felt right". i felt if i didnt speak to him he'd miss me. i actually did not want him back, i felt he stabbed me and injured me and gave me no reason for those actions. it was just all too cruel to me.

 

i have broken up with people before but i was not coward enough to not face them or give them a reason.

 

but when u hurt someone they are left confused, as if in limbo.

 

also he seemed confused about the decision. he was like..there is no reason, then he says i'll give u a reason after 1 week, (i did wait but nothing came up) and then he'd say he knew he made his decision about 3 weeks before making it..i kept thinking. what happened during that time? i even searched my emails and yahoo msg logs but nothing came up.

 

it seemed like a bunch of games to me.

 

for now i can realize this person is not worth my time, actually he is not attractive. i dont know why i liked him to begin with.

 

but i cant seem to LET GO of this victimized feeling i have inside.

 

i was able to go full NC for about 3 weeks, he searched high and low for me but i was invisible. finally he pulled a cheap trick. i dont want to go into details but due to that i was able to talk to him (even tho i didnt want to). he faked an identity and tried to talk as someone else to me..

 

anyway how long shud i re-start the nc? not to get him back, just to burn his image and memory from my mind. i have been grinding my teeth at night and i think its due to my anger.

 

i have actually considered a lobotomy due to this.

[charly26]

is there an approximate amount of time after which you can assume they will never contact you and then to say that any hope is gone?

[GreenPolicy]

is there an approximate amount of time after which you can assume they will never contact you and then to say that any hope is gone?

 

No. I've read stories on this forum where dumpers contacted dumpees many YEARS after the b/u. But you don't know what the future holds and you can't live your life based on false hope. Get to a place of indifference regarding your ex. That's when they usually contact you.

[turokturok5]

this was actually amazing, really opened my eyes and made me realise, although she was my best friend, she broke my trust by breaking my heart and i deserve better.