Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances

[SunsetRed]

I am so disappointed with myself that I am not coping better with this break up.

 

On the outside I appear to have it together..I have a apt right on the beach so I am on the beach everyday, I have a job I love w a great schedule, I am going out (when finances permit) and have tried online dating.

 

Its just that inwardly, I am still craving him. I have actually read The Secret and the Power and have tried using the Law of attraction to bring him back to me. The Law of A. is working to bring more friends and money into my life, but it hasnt brought him back. I know I have so much to be happy about, why can't I let him go?

 

I keep obcessing over things I shouldnt have said or done and maybe things would have turned out better for us. Woulda Coulda Shoulda is not a game one should play, but I'm doing it anyway.

 

Thanks for the support on my age. Sometimes break ups are even harder when you get older because there are less people to meet/date to fill the void. I'm starting to look older too. The connection that I had with this ex was so powerful and I know a love like that doesn't come around but so often.

 

So..there are many factors making me want to contact him, but like we've all agreed...the contact doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away so its self defeating to do it.

 

Well, here goes another day..CHIN UP!

[djjd9199]

about 10 years ago I broke up with this girl and she diid the needy thing with calling me 50 times a day leaving meesages and pleading and all that stuff. Eventually the calls stopped. Boy was I glad. I never did want to call her back then so how in the world can this no contact thing work for me????????????????????????

[ReturnToSender]

about 10 years ago I broke up with this girl and she diid the needy thing with calling me 50 times a day leaving meesages and pleading and all that stuff. Eventually the calls stopped. Boy was I glad. I never did want to call her back then so how in the world can this no contact thing work for me????????????????????????

 

Probably the same way it worked for her...she stopped contacting you, and during that time she pulled herself together until the time came when she moved on and was completely over you...with zero indication from you that there was anything to hold onto, the pain she felt, the want to make things work between you went away. That left her free and clear emotionally to go on into a relationship with someone who does want to be with her...Im sure of it.

 

Thats the part of NC that I do understand....

 

The part I dont understand is when the other person still wants you to be a part of their life, and seems to be fighting NC all the way...sending the conflicting vibe when on one hand they say the relationship is over, but on the other hand doing everything to keep you.

[Ginger Beer]

I am new to the forum and posted http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t268919/ this thread yesterday.

 

What I should also add is that I went into NC without warning; literally just disappeared a week before Christmas and have not spoken a word to her since.

 

She has reached out to me about 6 or 7 times now, can somebody read that thread as it contains the texts she's sent, I'm unsure of whether they are breadcrumbs or if she wants me back.

[SunsetRed]

My view of NC is unhealthy, but at least my view motivate me to keep it.

I do see NC as a way to manipulate the ex back to you. Doing NC has brought every one of my exes back to me, although none of the relationships lasted once they came back. I guess it was more of an ego thing because I was ignoring them.

 

I see breaking NC as something that messes up any chance of your ex contacting you.

 

The healthy view that Gator pointed out was that NC gives you power, so that if your ex does call you, then you've got your power back. My contacting the ex who dumped you, you are saying that you are weak and don't deserve the best in your relationships.

 

My ex threw me under the bus in the biggest way, so I would be a fool to contact him now.

[TheGrimSweeper]

Need some help with this one guys.

 

My ex and I broke up in the beggining of December. She ended it with me, saying she wasn't ready for this and wanted some time to get over her issues with parents. Her parents almost seperated when she was 5 years old and now they are actually seperated. Starting in the middle of last summer and went on for months hitting her really hard. She begged to be friends for now when we broke up I said no and went NC Immediatly except to wish her and her family a Merry Christmas.

She has some deep seated commitment issues from all this

 

3 months go by and for the last couple weeks she has really started talking to me a lot more and asking me to hang out (go shopping with her, watch a movie with here etc). I've been very non chalant about it all so far and not making myself too available but I'm not sure of her intentions. She initiates ALL the conversation, I dont initiate anything with her and when she does I keep it really short and too the point.

 

She has started therapy for all her issues I've found out and has been going for a few months. She hasn't made any mention of getting back together but shes tolds me she is doing a lot better now and that it wasn't fair to be with me during that time cause she was "such a mess".

 

Should I just continue being very non chalant about this and see what happens or should I come out and ask what she wants?

Edited March 14, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper

[gator12]

It's been a week since I've posted. Anyways the thing I need to reiterate about NC is this. It is not a game or a way to manipulate someone into dating you. Yes it can do this sometimes, rarely if the relationship really has a chance of having a second chance. But NC is not what does this, this happens on it's own. NC just prevents you from pushing your ex away and give you time to

 

• get perspective, by getting rid of this idolized version of the relationship you guys had. Fact is it was far from perfect and this is a big step in healing and in reconciliation
  
• Get rid of your emotional behavior which will do nothing but push your ex further away.
  
• It gives you the power back in the dynamic and lets you decide really if a second chance is right for you.
  

All in all, no contact cannot be rushed, it helps you heal and helps you to not push your ex away. But if she or he is just not meant to be with you, then nothing can bring them back. But NC is useful bc by the time you come to that realization you will be moved on bc of it. It is a win win situation.

 

Anyways guys, I wish you all of the best, hopefully I'll be able to get on more often.

 

-Gator

[sweetblubrry]

Need some help with this one guys.

 

My ex and I broke up in the beggining of December. She ended it with me, saying she wasn't ready for this and wanted some time to get over her issues with parents. Her parents almost seperated when she was 5 years old and now they are actually seperated. Starting in the middle of last summer and went on for months hitting her really hard. She begged to be friends for now when we broke up I said no and went NC Immediatly except to wish her and her family a Merry Christmas.

She has some deep seated commitment issues from all this

 

3 months go by and for the last couple weeks she has really started talking to me a lot more and asking me to hang out (go shopping with her, watch a movie with here etc). I've been very non chalant about it all so far and not making myself too available but I'm not sure of her intentions. She initiates ALL the conversation, I dont initiate anything with her and when she does I keep it really short and too the point.

 

She has started therapy for all her issues I've found out and has been going for a few months. She hasn't made any mention of getting back together but shes tolds me she is doing a lot better now and that it wasn't fair to be with me during that time cause she was "such a mess".

 

Should I just continue being very non chalant about this and see what happens or should I come out and ask what she wants?

 

This is like exactly what I am going through! Except I'm the girl, and he broke up with me because he needed to sort his issues out (self-esteem problems, career inadequacy, doesn't feel he's good enough, i deserve better, etc.) Also said he went to therapy for his issues or is going. We broke up at the end of January. I've been following NC since the beginning. I haven't heard from him in almost a month but when I do see him at work I am friendly and casual with him and he ALWAYS approaches me. He is all flirty with me and I don't get it... I just respond short and sweet and move on with what I'm doing. So I am just doing my best to stay positive and confident when he is around and not let my hurt show. It shows me off as strong and I know it probably bugs him. So I would say just keep doing what you are doing... be distant yet friendly. And definitely don't read into anything too much and don't accept anything other than what you want to hear.

[Ginger Beer]

I am feeling better these days, it's been about four months NC, I still think about her every day but not so much feeling hurt anymore.

 

I can read her texts I saved and read letters she gave me without feeling sad. I think I may be moving on.

[2011]

I am feeling better these days, it's been about four months NC, I still think about her every day but not so much feeling hurt anymore.

 

I can read her texts I saved and read letters she gave me without feeling sad. I think I may be moving on.

 

Once you delete these texts (and deleted phone number) and burn the letters then you WILL be able to say you have truly moved on.

 

2011

[Lionblue92]

Gator, i have somewhat of an off topic question for you...

 

Well, 2 weeks ago my ex boyfriend responded to being called out on fb by me, about talking to an ex behind my back. we have been in no contact since.

 

anyway, im thinking he was going to call trying to explain himself.

but instead i get a text in the morning saying "I cant believe you right now. dont talk to me for awhile. bye"

 

so my question to everyone here is, is that a break up text?

 

i was not sure either way, i thpught either it was, or he just thought we would not talk for awhile (however long tht would be for him) and then id come crawling back to him eventually, tryna worj things out. i wasnt the one who did anything wrong so his response was very offensive to me.

 

either way, after he sent it i took it more as the first one. so i imediately went on facebook and went single. he saw tht i did buthe didnt go sngle until about 4 hours later.

 

later that night he posted a status tht said "didnt wanna cry. Fu**!"

 

but anyway theres sme background, and my main question is, what do people consider- "I cant believe you right now. dont talk to me for awhile. bye" .....?

 

your a guy, so if u sent a text like this what point would u be tryin to get across.

[spackle]

apt quote from an uncool film, 'hurt people hurt people'.

 

It's an emotional message, so there is some feeling there, he wants space so give it to him.

 

If you want to extend an olive branch. Just send a text back agreeing to what he sent and just say something like, if you want to talk and sort this out call me.

[Lionblue92]

but i did give him some distance...by going single, (breaking up)

 

THat text looked close enough to a break up text to me almost where i was like..hell no he is not getting mad at me, when he is the one who did this.

[Ginger Beer]

Once you delete these texts (and deleted phone number) and burn the letters then you WILL be able to say you have truly moved on.

 

2011

I don't want to delete them, ever. They're a part of my past, I don't see why I should delete them?

 

Does anyone else agree with me on this? That I should keep the letters?

[Ginger Beer]

Gator, i have somewhat of an off topic question for you...

 

Well, 2 weeks ago my ex boyfriend responded to being called out on fb by me, about talking to an ex behind my back. we have been in no contact since.

 

anyway, im thinking he was going to call trying to explain himself.

but instead i get a text in the morning saying "I cant believe you right now. dont talk to me for awhile. bye"

 

so my question to everyone here is, is that a break up text?

 

i was not sure either way, i thpught either it was, or he just thought we would not talk for awhile (however long tht would be for him) and then id come crawling back to him eventually, tryna worj things out. i wasnt the one who did anything wrong so his response was very offensive to me.

 

either way, after he sent it i took it more as the first one. so i imediately went on facebook and went single. he saw tht i did buthe didnt go sngle until about 4 hours later.

 

later that night he posted a status tht said "didnt wanna cry. Fu**!"

 

but anyway theres sme background, and my main question is, what do people consider- "I cant believe you right now. dont talk to me for awhile. bye" .....?

 

your a guy, so if u sent a text like this what point would u be tryin to get across.

 

Without knowing your boyfriend it's hard to say as I don't know if he's the type to say what he means, but me personally, I would only send something like that if it was over.

 

The confuisng bit is the ''right now'' part and ''a while''. Maybe he just wants attention? Seems like he's leaving it open for you to come back by suggesting it's only at the present time.

[Thatguyintx]

I don't want to delete them, ever. They're a part of my past, I don't see why I should delete them?

 

Does anyone else agree with me on this? That I should keep the letters?

 

Everyone deals with this differently. Would those letters be important to you even if you were happily married to someone else? For me, the answer is "no". Your answer might be different.

 

Now I am the extreme. I purged myself of everything that was of her. Gifts, cards, pictures, you name it. All gone. Up until the last couple of weeks, I would keep finding notes or other stuff of hers. Out it went! I think I got the last of it. (I hope!)

[Lionblue92]

Without knowing your boyfriend it's hard to say as I don't know if he's the type to say what he means, but me personally, I would only send something like that if it was over.

 

The confuisng bit is the ''right now'' part and ''a while''. Maybe he just wants attention? Seems like he's leaving it open for you to come back by suggesting it's only at the present time.

 

 

well, i already went single on him after he sent me that text. everybody seems to think that he said "for awhile" , like he wanted a little distance and wasnt asking for a breakup, and that i jumped the gun. i think so too, but its pretty ballsy to send a text like that to me. and the reason i went single really was because he had the nerve to send me that, knowing that he was the one in the wrong.

[EmperorR]

Everyone deals with this differently. Would those letters be important to you even if you were happily married to someone else? For me, the answer is "no". Your answer might be different.

 

Now I am the extreme. I purged myself of everything that was of her. Gifts, cards, pictures, you name it. All gone. Up until the last couple of weeks, I would keep finding notes or other stuff of hers. Out it went! I think I got the last of it. (I hope!)

 

your like me

 

I have nothing remaining, my ex bought me a laser mouse it finally died in the trash, i did the extreme blocked and deleted on fb, got a new email, changed my cell phone number.

 

Unless she shows up at my door she has no way of contacting me

[Sugarkane]

Gator another question about GIGS. My cousins who are the same age as me [24] settled down young. Why don't they get GIGS and freak out that they haven't dated enough people? Whereas my ex dumped me for no reason at all.

[ReturnToSender]

Gator another question about GIGS. My cousins who are the same age as me [24] settled down young. Why don't they get GIGS and freak out that they haven't dated enough people? Whereas my ex dumped me for no reason at all.

 

Different people..your cousins arent your ex and vice versa. Cant really compare different people and expect or hope they will be at the same stage of life or ready for and want the same things.

 

It sucks yeah, I wish I could meet and be with a guy who really was ready to settle down. Im not a jealous type of person, but I really felt it when one year my ex took me to 3 weddings, his friends were settling down left and right..hes one of the last single ones left and even nearing 40 hes still not ready. Theres just no standard that everyone lives to...

[BenThereDunThat]

I could have written that myself!!...I too am in my fourties, and feeling the exact same way...but take it from someone who took the CONTACT route the first time around....It does not work! You may get him back, but everything that happened DURING the contact will be carried forward with you into your second chance....I promise you. Heal with NC, because right now your dignity may not feel all that important....but when you lose it...it hurts like hell when time passes and it keeps replaying in your mind...hang onto it...youll be glad you did!!

 

I am so disappointed with myself that I am not coping better with this break up.

 

On the outside I appear to have it together..I have a apt right on the beach so I am on the beach everyday, I have a job I love w a great schedule, I am going out (when finances permit) and have tried online dating.

 

Its just that inwardly, I am still craving him. I have actually read The Secret and the Power and have tried using the Law of attraction to bring him back to me. The Law of A. is working to bring more friends and money into my life, but it hasnt brought him back. I know I have so much to be happy about, why can't I let him go?

 

I keep obcessing over things I shouldnt have said or done and maybe things would have turned out better for us. Woulda Coulda Shoulda is not a game one should play, but I'm doing it anyway.

 

Thanks for the support on my age. Sometimes break ups are even harder when you get older because there are less people to meet/date to fill the void. I'm starting to look older too. The connection that I had with this ex was so powerful and I know a love like that doesn't come around but so often.

 

So..there are many factors making me want to contact him, but like we've all agreed...the contact doesn't bring them closer, it pushes them away so its self defeating to do it.

 

Well, here goes another day..CHIN UP!

 

So glad to have read both your posts....same boat here. Just shy of 42 and holding on to my dignity and am shocked at how hard this has been on me. Was starting to feel like a freak.

 

Reading your posts this a.m. just made me feel that much less alone.

 

Thank you.

[Neveah]

Hi Gator

 

Awesome post, thank you.

 

Please can you read my thread and provide me with some insight? I'm not sure if this is appropriate for me to go NC??

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270496/

 

Thanks in advance!

[Sugarkane]

Hi Gator

Another question for you. My ex contacted me for the third time, sice we broke up. Not the ex that brought me here/ that I asked you about last time. We dated a couple of months, about 7 months ago. He kept standing me up and never taking me anywhere. He began using me as a booty call. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I said fine and went full NC ever since.

Now he contacts me asking how I am. He apologised and asked if I wanted to go for a coffee sometime/ come over. What should I do? Will he just go back to his old ways? I don't know if I can trust him. I'm sick of his apologies. I don't know if he's being genuine or not.

[confused_blondie]

Gator,

When you talk about breadcrumbs etc how do you know what they are?

my ex is really messing with my head and its only been 3 weeks. I'm doing the LC thing as i need my stuff back. Can you read my post and advise me on what to do and what you think is going on in his head? I am so confused!!!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270805/

Thanks

[fetish]

Hey Gator, i know you got alot of assignements here but need some advice. lol?

 

Me and my ex of 8 years broke up 6 weeks ago. i was on LC for the first 3 weeks of the breakup between me and my ex. She set up a date and said she missed me and said we could still try a monogomous relationship. Problem is, she put the ball in my court to set up the next date and told her i would have to set it up if i wanted to see her.

 

Problem was, we were engaged to be married, and she always would run out on me anytime i told her of a gambling problem. I was trying to get her to control her frequent trips to the gameroom/casino. She'd go to the gameroom/casino after getting off work almost every night, and it started to feel like we never saw eachother. She already had a problem managing her $. I talked to her a few times about it. But the last time, we got in a heated argument about it. She moved out and we mutually agreed to end the 8 year relationship.

 

So a couple of weeks ago, she texted me saying she still loved me and wanted to still do a relationship, just in separate places. She rewrites our relaitonship like we weren't engaged and i told her i needed time. She moved out. She never acknowledged her role what caused our breakup. The last time we saw eachother, 3 weeks ago, she was still blaming me for what happened. But the fact she still said she wanted a RS, was that her attmept to get me back? I kept up the NC and she kept sending me guilt trip messages saying i don't love her and obviously don't want nothing to do with her. I finally would send quick responses. She texted me asking me for some sex last monday. I didn't jump on it and now she hasn't texted me in over a week. I felt so horrible. I sent her a "how are u" text yesterday, and she hasn't responded and prrobably won't.

 

I'm back to feeling horrible again and now i'm back to caring if she'll ever try to get in touch with me again. I mean we were together for 8 years and it wasn't that easy to to reject her out of my life. But now i'm thinking she's finally letting go. I feel like crap!

Edited March 28, 2011 by fetish