My situation

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I came to hopefully get some good vibes and advice on everything I have going on.

My girlfriend and I were in an LDR for around 6 months until a few days ago she said she couldn't be with someone she can't see, that she started to get lonely. Which came at a surprise because even through the miles between us we really had more than just a spark, we had flames, our relationship was strong. We both knew there would be a long wait until we could connect, about 9 more months. We both knew that would come to an end and we would finally be done with this distance thing. I told her my intentions of trying to make it work it again in the coming months or when we're more able to travel and all she can say is 'maybe'.

I can totally relate to your situation. Ive been in an LDR for well over a year and our relationship was very strong as well. But she grew weary of the distance and the lack of physical connection. Well there are usually two people in a relationship and its very likely most of the time that both parties want to be physically together. So both parties should work towards that goal rather than just feeling sorry for their own lack of needs being met. But most importantly you said there is an end to the LD in sight. So then if she truly loves you, all she needs is some patience. Which brings me to an important first question...How old are you guys?

This is a fact for love, if one truely loves someone they will do whatever it takes to be with them and endure any pain and be willing to sacrifice things just to stay by their partner. I can completely relate to your dilema, tho my ex and i didnt live all that far away (1hr distance) she felt she could no longer last due to the fact we couldnt be physically together regularly. The fact is LDR's are difficult but if the bond you 2 have is strong and you both truely love each other then something like distance should not stop you guys. Dont make the same mistake i did and not visit her frequently, it is essential you always be there for her not just on the phone but also physically. Put the occasional effort to surprise her with your presence it really will go a long way in keeping you guys strong and it will provide a very bright future. May i ask how far is the distance between you two?

some give up on LDRs because they cannot handle the long absence or the lack of intimacy. some are just not too sure if they're wasting their time due to lack of reassurance from their partner. some are just not happy with their own lives, so the lack of having someone by their side in their lonely times makes them feel incomplete -- which is very needy. that's why LDRs are not for the faint-hearted. if that person is completely happy with their own life, is independent, he/she can conquer the distance.

It takes two; if she isn't able to handle the distance, then unfortunately there's not much that can be done. LDRs are definitely not for everyone and at least she was upfront with you now rather than later.

For the two people inquiring about our age and distance. We're both 23 and about 700 miles apart.

I don't know if this helps or makes things any better but a day or two after this all happened. She kept stressing that she loves me and cares about me, that I should know that and not to forget, even though this happened

She kept stressing that she loves me and cares about me, that I should know that and not to forget, even though this happened

it's a prelude to a goodbye. by the way what kind of LDR setup you have: 1)you used to be together but the other one has to move for school/work 2)met online and have not met yet 3)met online and met in person at least once?

For the two people inquiring about our age and distance. We're both 23 and about 700 miles apart.

 

I don't know if this helps or makes things any better but a day or two after this all happened. She kept stressing that she loves me and cares about me, that I should know that and not to forget, even though this happened

That is very much like "I love you but Im not in love with you" which is what I heard after almost 10 years of marriage. Obviously they love and care about you because you guys had a relationship together. But unfortunately that love changes sometimes. And not just in LDR's because of the lack of physical togetherness. I lived under the same roof with someone for nearly 10 years and we just grew emotionally distant from each other. While the divorce was a terrible thing and I heard a lot of what everyone hates to hear during a breakup and what you are now going to hear a lot of "Time heals". It's annoying to hear when you are heart broke but it is true.

As for your relationship, 6 months is often an infatuation period where everything is new and exciting and then the reality of a relationship starts to creep in. Being distant at that point is going to make it worse. She is just at a point where she isnt sure she wants to invest anymore time into something that isnt paying off right now.

it's a prelude to a goodbye. by the way what kind of LDR setup you have: 1)you used to be together but the other one has to move for school/work 2)met online and have not met yet 3)met online and met in person at least once?

You really think so? Even after exchanging promise rings with one another. Our situation would best be described as 3.

I want to believe she's just confused for a little while, that she'll straighten things out once she realizes what's going on, and that she'll miss me.

What do you mean by "a long wait until you can connect"? As in; until either of you can move to be together? I'm assuming you have met already?

It's sad, but some people just can't handle a long distance relationship. You really are better off finding out now, rather than continuing things for awhile and then finding out.

You really think so? Even after exchanging promise rings with one another. Our situation would best be described as 3.

I want to believe she's just confused for a little while, that she'll straighten things out once she realizes what's going on, and that she'll miss me.

i also think she's confused though it's not really for you to fix, it's her problem.

my fiance too almost broke up with me before, that was before he proposed. like you we had a great time, great conversations and even a day before we almost broke up he said he loves me so much. i dunno how i salvaged it, but he wasn't really trying to break up with me...but the situation at that time was difficult. i think he got scared. he said he fears that he cannot adjust to our situation. i was crying during our conversation and kept repeating, "i cannot believe this...cuz i really feel that you love me much for us to part like this." i told him i cannot fix the situation, his fears. it is something he needs to overcome and our circumstances at that time, we have to accept. i think it was self-destructive of him to just run away when things are getting better for us. i told him his fears are normal, that i fear the same though it won't help if i entertain those fears and at least try first before giving up. then we just reminisce how we met, fell in love and spent time together in person...he realized that it's silly to fear things when he hasn't tried it yet. now he's willing to give anything to make this relationship work. ever since that incident, our trust, faith in our relationship strengthen. he is my rock and i am his.

but if you really want to try to get her back, ask her what her fears are. validate her feelings and find a solution. is there really nothing you can do to meet again sooner than 9 months? maybe just travel together and what not.

There's nothing we can really do to shorten that time. Mainly because of money and transportation issues at this time. I've tried nearly every way to find a way to shorten that but it can't seem to happen.

I'm just going to give her distance for a while. I know that she can't be exactly happy without me and will miss what we had eventually.

So... you had a distance separation of 15 months... and six months in she said she couldn't take it anymore? What can I say? Some people don't have the capacity for patience and endurance enough for a long distance relationship...

Perhaps give it distance and time and start again from scratch in 9 months if you're both still single.

I wouldn't, however, think something like "I know that she can't be exactly happy without me and will miss what we had eventually". That's pretty arrogant to think that. Even if it's true, that suggests that she needs to be with you, not that she wants to be with you.

So... you had a distance separation of 15 months... and six months in she said she couldn't take it anymore? What can I say? Some people don't have the capacity for patience and endurance enough for a long distance relationship...

 

Perhaps give it distance and time and start again from scratch in 9 months if you're both still single.

 

I wouldn't, however, think something like "I know that she can't be exactly happy without me and will miss what we had eventually". That's pretty arrogant to think that. Even if it's true, that suggests that she needs to be with you, not that she wants to be with you.

It kind of came in the middle of a disagreement, so I don't know if that pushed her emotions over the edge and to make an instant decision or what. Because, things were good. She knew there was a wait and really gave off that she was calm and patient. I think she tried to instill that patience in me more than I did to her.

I have hopes for that, but this girl can get whoever or whatever she wants...

Not the first time I've been considered arrogant, but it's how I feel. I really don't think she's jumping with joy, she may, but I doubt it.

Also, thank for all your input and responses everyone. Some helps, some doesn't. At least my mood has been changing lately, from sad to pissed. I'd rather deal with that.

...sorry about the double post but I'd like to add something else.

We're still friends on facebook and tonight she posted something along the lines of "it's amazing staying up this late on the phone with someone." and a few hours later what do you know, she's in a relationship. I'd guess this is a rebound, right?

It seems incredibly impatient if she can't wait 9 months, if you mean you would be together for good then? 9 months is nothing out of a lifetime together. My partner won't live closer for nearly 2 years, but he's worth the wait.

There's nothing we can really do to shorten that time. Mainly because of money and transportation issues at this time. I've tried nearly every way to find a way to shorten that but it can't seem to happen.

 

I'm just going to give her distance for a while. I know that she can't be exactly happy without me and will miss what we had eventually.

How sensitive of her Knowing you would read it Would you really want to be with someone that immature and insensitive?

No idea if it's a rebound or not, does it matter? She has little regard for your feelings, concentrate on finding someone who does, but only when you're ready to be with someone else and not still worrying about what she's up to.

...sorry about the double post but I'd like to add something else.

 

We're still friends on facebook and tonight she posted something along the lines of "it's amazing staying up this late on the phone with someone." and a few hours later what do you know, she's in a relationship. I'd guess this is a rebound, right?

It seems incredibly impatient if she can't wait 9 months, if you mean you would be together for good then? 9 months is nothing out of a lifetime together. My partner won't live closer for nearly 2 years, but he's worth the wait.

If she did wait, we would have been together for a significant amount of time, we didn't have a fix on it but it could of been a few months together. She would of went back again to straighten out things back home and figure out moving in together, but definitely not separated for any extended period like this again.

How sensitive of her Knowing you would read it Would you really want to be with someone that immature and insensitive?

No idea if it's a rebound or not, does it matter? She has little regard for your feelings, concentrate on finding someone who does, but only when you're ready to be with someone else and not still worrying about what she's up to.

I think it's some sort of payback or she's trying to play keep up. honestly I don't know. I've been talking to other women as well. She knows and actually got angry at that. I've read that if she's getting defensive like that, it could be a good sign.

I'm sorry, but sometimes I feel really uninformed about stuff like this. I've never dealt with anything of this magnitude.

How come you were talking to other women? It sounds like neither of you were serious about your r/ship. But if you're both flirting with other people to make each other jealous then just talk to each other because playing games won't get you anywhere

No need to apologise btw, sorry if I'm sounding harsh, just wanting to help.

I think it's some sort of payback or she's trying to play keep up. honestly I don't know. I've been talking to other women as well. She knows and actually got angry at that. I've read that if she's getting defensive like that, it could be a good sign.

 

I'm sorry, but sometimes I feel really uninformed about stuff like this. I've never dealt with anything of this magnitude.

How come you were talking to other women? It sounds like neither of you were serious about your r/ship. But if you're both flirting with other people to make each other jealous then just talk to each other because playing games won't get you anywhere

No need to apologise btw, sorry if I'm sounding harsh, just wanting to help.

I was just having conversation, trying to take my mind off of this, not to let it bother me more than it is. It was public so she could see it. I'm not really flirting or trying to make it sound like I was, but she seemed clearly flustered by it.

She's depressed and made contact with me for the first time in over a week. I'm ignoring it and continuing no contact.

Orion, I'm gonna be harsh because well I think it's the truth on this one.

One you guys were LDR, and only met a few times. You guys didn't have a normal relationship per se, it's different if you start in a relationship and then go LDR, but an entire relationship in LDR is hardly a relationship. It is not enough for most people, and she jumped out of it. She jumped out of it with a guy there waiting for her, a guy she can see every day. I'm sorry but she didn't want to stay in the relationship. This guy is most likely not a rebound and needs to be treated as such. I'd advise going into strict NC for the purpose of healing, if she comes back sure but I wouldn't count on it.

-Gator

Damn. I think I'll just OD now.

She's been contacting me for the past week, daily and in every form imaginable for hours.

What do I take of it? Do I reply?