arnabsuave Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 dis post is long...i just tried to make d situation as clear as possible...so please bear with me... i broke up wid my gf of 3.5 years(we met in school) a month nd a half ago..we were fighting on small issues nd had no reason 2 have a fight dat night on the first place..d day we broke up we abused each other lyk hell..after an hour she pleads to reconcile...i tell her dat i hv had enough of her.. two days later i call her up nd i was lyk"i'm sorry,i really luv u"...she says even she luvs me...bt she didn want to patch up nymore.. from den on it has been a cat nd mouse game...every tym i call her nd plead she points out my dis mistake nd dat nd says dat she wud never come back...nd dat she i was overpossessive nd egoist...she says dat i have been d cause of all d problems in her lyf,her career going bad,her relationships wid her parents deteriorating etc... 1 day she calls nd says dat she has promisd her father dat she wont kip ny contact wid me..her father is a real control freak nd hates me lyk nythn(i dun know y though) we both r young(she's 18 nd i'm 20)nd for d last two yrs ours has bin a long distance relationship(my university is in another province)... i have returnd home 2 days back nd tried to meet her up..she refusd sayin dat we were through...next day she calls nd asks me to meet up...bt during my entire stay wid her she points out all d mistakes i hv made(as if she had none) nd dat i didn deserve a second chance... 3 hrs later she calls me up nd requests me to take care of myself nd promise her dat i shall stay happily as she feels i have grown thin over d last 2 monts i was away..her care nd concern for me looked real till today morning when i asked her out..she calls me all sorts of names nd warns me to stay away from her.. i am just goin crazy wid her fluctuations in behaviour..i tried goin nc briefly(3 weeks ago) bt she called me up from unknown nos. when i didn answer her call... PLZZZ HELP ME OUT MATES !!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 It sounds like it's a very difficult relationship right now, and it's upsetting both of you. Phoning / texting / contacting her and asking to meet up appears to fire off a chain of chaotic and deeply upsetting events each time. Ask yourself, if pushing like you are hasn't worked several times already, will it work if you keep trying the same thing over and over again? Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 It sounds like it's a very difficult relationship right now, and it's upsetting both of you. Phoning / texting / contacting her and asking to meet up appears to fire off a chain of chaotic and deeply upsetting events each time. Ask yourself, if pushing like you are hasn't worked several times already, will it work if you keep trying the same thing over and over again? Take care thinking logically i hav to totally agree wid u...bt i jst cant let her out of my mind...even if when i do,she nudges me b callin me up nd talkin rather in a good way...then as soon as i start getting comfortable wid the conversation she literally lashes out everytym... d thing is even 5 days before d breakup she used to claim dat our tym together has bin d best spell of her lyf nd so on.. wat amazes me most is how can she forget all the good times nd abuse me as much as she is doing...lyk i was a piece of ****...she had cheated on me a year back nd at 1 stage when i tried to breakup she almost begged to take her back..she blackmailed dat she wud commit suicide if i didnt...i fell for it,more to save her lyf dan for nythn else...how can she forget all those??? i jst have gone to a deep level of depression...tryin my bst 2 hang out wid friends bt d entire situation is suffocating me...ny help mate? Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 if you talk like you type....maybe that's the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 if you talk like you type....maybe that's the problem? except for the solution you suggested can anything else work out? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Anyone who threatens violence needs professional help if she is to find long lasting happiness. Threatening suicide is a threat of violence. Whether or not you stay in contact with this woman, you need to set up boundaries between your inner self and her to protect you from the harm. You are not responsible for her happiness, only your own. If her contacting you upsets you too much, block her number, or tell her you do not want to speak with her any more because it's too upsetting. She wants to be loved, but she's looking in all the wrong places: she has to find a way to love herself first. We all have a soul (aka subconscious, heart, inner child or real self) at the very centre of our being. That is the real you. We also all have a conscious mind and a body. The soul is where all your feelings come from. You need to listen to your soul and do what you can to make it feel good. That means not accepting any more emotional blackmail, no more lies, no more deceit, no more threats, guilt trips, amateur dramatics etc etc. Do what you feel like doing. Just don't accept her baggage and problems. You are not responsible for her happiness; only your own. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Anyone who threatens violence needs professional help if she is to find long lasting happiness. Threatening suicide is a threat of violence. Whether or not you stay in contact with this woman, you need to set up boundaries between your inner self and her to protect you from the harm. You are not responsible for her happiness, only your own. If her contacting you upsets you too much, block her number, or tell her you do not want to speak with her any more because it's too upsetting. She wants to be loved, but she's looking in all the wrong places: she has to find a way to love herself first. We all have a soul (aka subconscious, heart, inner child or real self) at the very centre of our being. That is the real you. We also all have a conscious mind and a body. The soul is where all your feelings come from. You need to listen to your soul and do what you can to make it feel good. That means not accepting any more emotional blackmail, no more lies, no more deceit, no more threats, guilt trips, amateur dramatics etc etc. Do what you feel like doing. Just don't accept her baggage and problems. You are not responsible for her happiness; only your own. Make sense? yeah true...but the problem is i love this young lady a lot...and inspite of her faults i miss her like hell and wish to get her back...but she isn't ready anymore..pursuing her isn't bringing any result either..no matter how much i try i can't get her out of my mind... she was my first real girlfriend and life has taken a standstill for me now...can NC work out???cause talkin with her just isn't working out... Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Yes, disconnecting can and does work, and not being in contact helps you to disconnect. You both have wounds you need to heal. You talking to each other just keeps picking at the scabs and never lets those wounds heal. It drives you nuts, I know, not talking to the person who's on your mind 24/7 but you do start to think less and less about her, and the relationship, and it does get better. Finding other things to do that make you happy speeds that process up. Exercise (football, walking, gym, dancing - whatever you like) and eat well as you will have been running on adrenalin and not eating well as this is a stressful time. You will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Yes, disconnecting can and does work, and not being in contact helps you to disconnect. You both have wounds you need to heal. You talking to each other just keeps picking at the scabs and never lets those wounds heal. It drives you nuts, I know, not talking to the person who's on your mind 24/7 but you do start to think less and less about her, and the relationship, and it does get better. Finding other things to do that make you happy speeds that process up. Exercise (football, walking, gym, dancing - whatever you like) and eat well as you will have been running on adrenalin and not eating well as this is a stressful time. You will get through this. I met up with her today.She was just adamant on her point..that she thought it was over..i pleaded,cried,promised but she had only one answer she wouldn't come back...that she has had enough of me and she didn't love me anymore...Most of all she was confirmed that I would never change..Hence the relationship will never work out even if she gave a chance.. She told no matter wherever she is she won't come back to me..She was reminding me of all the quarrels we had and how I had screwed my own chances..I accepted my faults but she was acting as if like all the shortcomings in the relationship were due to me...she is trying to come out clean of it and make me feel guilty for even her own faults...she had an answer for her every mistake but wasn't ready to hear even one from me... what I can't understand most is how can she think I'm so bad within a span of 1.5 months(post BU)? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 You've been trying to same routine over and over again, and it's not working. Don't you think it's time you stopped that and tried something else, like not meeting up with her, not begging, not trying to make sense of what she thinks, not trying to revive a relationship that has been screwing you up for longer than it made you feel good? I mean, it's your choice. You can choose to be your own judge and judge your own actions, or you can try and get other people such as your ex to do that for you. She can see you as the ghost of Adolf Hitler if she wants to. Do you see yourself as a bad person? She has been very consistent in refusing to have a relationship with you. Which bit of that do you not understand? Maybe you think you can change and that will make it better. If so, do it, change. Not for her sake, but because you have chosen to. Or not. You can carry on as you are, trying harder and harder, but if you have to try, it ain't real and if it ain't real, what's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 she called me four to five times today morning and said that she was in pain... she felt i was a very good person and i deserved someone much better than her,even she was sorry that she couldnt keep the promises made to me..also she thought though she was in pain she would recover... i tried to play it as cool as possible...but will it be wrong if i see a glimmer of hope? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) Take it slowly. Be open minded, and avoid all the desperate, over-emotional stuff you've been doing so far. She says she is in pain. If you had a broken rib you'd probably not enjoy a bear hug, would you? Instead, you'd appreciate someone being gentle, right? The same goes for this girl's heart. Be gentle. Take it slowly. Don't push. Let her know you will listen if she wants to talk about the pain. You might also think about counselling or therapy. Relate is a charity that offers counselling for couples for free. They may be able to help you guys to help yourselves. Edited March 15, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 she called me four to five times today morning and said that she was in pain... she felt i was a very good person and i deserved someone much better than her,even she was sorry that she couldnt keep the promises made to me..also she thought though she was in pain she would recover... i tried to play it as cool as possible...but will it be wrong if i see a glimmer of hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 something i forgot to mention before... the last time i met up with her i noticed that she was still using the purse i had gifted her a fortnight before the breakup...even she had a necklace hung around her neck which was also gifted by me... also my name was displayed in her cellphone banner as it used to be before the breakup...however she deleted it as soon as she realized that i have got a glimpse of it... am i reading too much into this???thanks in advance!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Dude. Seriously? You know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 my head refuses to believe what my heart says these days....so i really dont know...also i'm on 3rd day of NC... Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It doesn't matter that she had those things last time you met. What matters is you get well, and part of that is letting go of this eternally frustrating and futile effort to read more into it than there is to read. I know where you're at: been there, done that and it really hurts and confuses. You're doing well to be at day 3. The longer you last, the better you will feel. Everything in the world is up for grabs. You might end up dating Katey Perry next week - who knows? - but you are more likely to be in a relationship that is fun and stable if you are fun and stable. NC is an essential step in becoming the fun, stable person to start with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arnabsuave Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Today is my 5th day of nc...and I'm missing her like hell... She seems not to even care about my existence...Merry in her own life... Do the dumpers even think about the dumpees ever post breakup???Aren't they most likely to have a rebound??? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Stop worrying about her and start caring about you. In a couple of weeks you'll be feeling much better. It takes time, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
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