My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[worldgonewrong]

I like the way you think, ShatteredReality.

[Steadfast]

I do not think your gesture has gone overlooked...just downplayed in front of your eyes. Remember the iceburg - you only see the tip...there's so much under the water that you just don't even know about....

 

Great insight. The fact is, there may be other things bothering her that have nothing to do with you. Good advice: don't act, or feel guilty when there's no reason for you to. You've already said consistency is important, well, that's easier said than done. Giving her space. And claim your own.

 

Oh...and isn't that iceberg? =) I'm a spelling nerd.

 

A very good friend once told me people are wishy-washy when none of their choices appeal to them. I believe this. Not saying it's what's happening with your wife, but don't forget you're only in control of you.

 

One last bit of advice. Sincerity is sexy. Don't expect a certain reaction (or reprisal) when doing an act of kindness. If you buy her a gift, give it and forget it. The best gifts have no strings attached. Otherwise, it's manipulation. I'm not saying this is your motivation, but we're all guilty of over-analyzing at times. Leave her to her problems and issues and tend to your own. Love isn't dependent on these things anyway. Be real.

[ShatteredReality]

I like the way you think, ShatteredReality.

 

Thanks

 

Great insight. The fact is, there may be other things bothering her that have nothing to do with you. Good advice: don't act, or feel guilty when there's no reason for you to. You've already said consistency is important, well, that's easier said than done. Giving her space. And claim your own.

 

Oh...and isn't that iceberg? =) I'm a spelling nerd.

 

A very good friend once told me people are wishy-washy when none of their choices appeal to them. I believe this. Not saying it's what's happening with your wife, but don't forget you're only in control of you.

 

One last bit of advice. Sincerity is sexy. Don't expect a certain reaction (or reprisal) when doing an act of kindness. If you buy her a gift, give it and forget it. The best gifts have no strings attached. Otherwise, it's manipulation. I'm not saying this is your motivation, but we're all guilty of over-analyzing at times. Leave her to her problems and issues and tend to your own. Love isn't dependent on these things anyway. Be real.

 

YES IT IS!! Thank you...Ok so I have been told I have OCD about certain things...spelling being one of them...so I try to only do a light skim over what I write and then move on in an effort to prove that I can let my mistakes be seen and not feel the need to correct them. Therefore...I didn't even see it...and had I...well I just may have hit that friendly little edit button....LOL....I have a few other words I automatically spell wrong and have to go back and fix often - Separate and definitely are two of them...they drive me nuts cause they should be so easy....Yeah...forever ago I was in advanced placement English classes with above average grammar spelling and vocabulary (one of my favorite words is still anacephalic)....this is what happens when you neglect such things over the years...K rant over

 

Jstobo - Steadfast is right about all the advice he said toward you - sincerity is definitely (yes I had to stop and make sure I spelled it right) sexy...so keep it up!

[imagine]

(one of my favorite words is still anacephalic)....this is what happens when you neglect such things over the years...K rant over

 

 

Hi, quick thread breaker here. I can't find the spelling for anacephalic in the dictionary. Can you give me a better definition?

[ShatteredReality]

Hi, quick thread breaker here. I can't find the spelling for anacephalic in the dictionary. Can you give me a better definition?

 

It is spelled correctly - anacephalic. It means brainless or having no brain - literally. I often used it as an insult when I was in a situation where I felt the need to insult someone without them realizing it. You might have better luck in a medical dictionary or Google even. It's most often used in reference to things like....infants being born without a brain or brain function....a person losing all brain function. It's terrible when it's being used in reality and real medical situations - but I was 15 when I learned it and have always loved the word.

[jstobo]

It's been so great to read all of your responses. I find it interesting that most of my posters are supporting a reconciliation. I read other threads and most of the advice is to move on and don't settle. I'm glad I have written my updates accurately enough to portray a different scenario or outcome.

 

I received a call today from a good friend, who's W is good friends with my W. The two of them got together after our date Monday. My W told his W how miserable she has been. She does not enjoy the single life and the idea of divorce sounds awlful to her. She talked about wanting to take baby steps to rebuild our relationship. She also mentioned to her friend that she is not seeing anyone and she has no intention of dating anybody. She brought up the fact that I told her I wouldn't move forward unless she agreed to not date anyone else. If you read my earlier thread about that, you'll know that she wouldn't agree to that. It turns out that was simply about me trying to control the situation. It basically pissed her off that she was extending an olive branch and I was flying in with demands. My friend told me just to relax and know she isn't dating anyone and doesn't want to. She just wants to have some control and do things at her pace. And she definitely wants to reconcile our relationship.

 

I also want to reconcile. She'll still need to answer some questions in time like, is she back in love with me, does she now find me attractive again, why are we a match now when a month ago we weren't, etc. etc. I'm going to practice patience right now. I'm going to let her be the captain of the ship and I'll sit back and enjoy the ride.

[imagine]

Jstobo,

 

I will recommend to anyone in a marriage to read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Read these if you want to improve this or any relationship.

 

The essence is meeting the persons emotional need and not subtracting by breaking it down with disrespectful judgements, emotional outbursts etc.

 

Threadjacking again: I can only find the word anencephalic which means -without cerebrum or cerebellum (no brain)

 

 

 

[ShatteredReality]

It's been so great to read all of your responses. I find it interesting that most of my posters are supporting a reconciliation. I read other threads and most of the advice is to move on and don't settle. I'm glad I have written my updates accurately enough to portray a different scenario or outcome.

 

I received a call today from a good friend, who's W is good friends with my W. The two of them got together after our date Monday. My W told his W how miserable she has been. She does not enjoy the single life and the idea of divorce sounds awlful to her. She talked about wanting to take baby steps to rebuild our relationship. She also mentioned to her friend that she is not seeing anyone and she has no intention of dating anybody. She brought up the fact that I told her I wouldn't move forward unless she agreed to not date anyone else. If you read my earlier thread about that, you'll know that she wouldn't agree to that. It turns out that was simply about me trying to control the situation. It basically pissed her off that she was extending an olive branch and I was flying in with demands. My friend told me just to relax and know she isn't dating anyone and doesn't want to. She just wants to have some control and do things at her pace. And she definitely wants to reconcile our relationship.

 

I also want to reconcile. She'll still need to answer some questions in time like, is she back in love with me, does she now find me attractive again, why are we a match now when a month ago we weren't, etc. etc. I'm going to practice patience right now. I'm going to let her be the captain of the ship and I'll sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

I remember that being one of the biggest problems - I had no control over myself. I had to "feel" how he wanted me to and do what he wanted me to...I had to be where he wanted to be and do things on his timeline....We eventually had to talk about that and come to an understanding...I know a ship can only have one captain at a time, but the second in command is his/her partner...

 

I think you'll do really well with the patience thing...it'll be good for ya...I know it's really difficult though!!

 

The good thing is - now you know one of the reasons she pulls away - it's a control issue! Now that you know what you're battling you can figure out ways to tackle it.

 

And the marriage builders site does have some great advice.

 

Jstobo,

 

I will recommend to anyone in a marriage to read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Read these if you want to improve this or any relationship.

 

The essence is meeting the persons emotional need and not subtracting by breaking it down with disrespectful judgements, emotional outbursts etc.

 

Threadjacking again: I can only find the word anencephalic which means -without cerebrum or cerebellum (no brain)

 

Anacephalic is derived from anencephaly. Same meaning - usually in reference to a fetus being formed with no brain.

[jstobo]

It's been 12 days since my Wife told me she wasn't sure she's making the right decision. As each day passes I get more and more confused. The reason why is, it seems I'm the one having to prove everything. We have had our one date, which was last Monday. Our next date is tonight, which I had to finally break down and ask for. I'm the one who sends her hello messages. I gave her a small gift on our anniversary. I love doing these things for my Wife. I tell her, I think she is beautiful. I don't tell her that so she tells me, "and I think you're handsome.". I tell her because it makes me feel good and I know she loves it.". It would be nice if she did something like that every once in a while.

 

I understand she is staying guarded to be sure all of this is real, but how long do I wait? At what point is being patient, being stupid? We've been married for 11 years. Her last words to me about how she feels were roughly two months ago. Those words were, I'm not in love with you, I'm not attracted to you and you're too sensitive for me.". I understand over the course of a marriage, we fall in and out of love with our spouses, but at what point should I expect a conversation about why she feels differently now?

 

Bottom line is, I'm starting to feel pretty stupid that I have been courting her over the last 12 days. Sure, she has responded positively to ALL of my actions, but she hasn't been proactive herself. Which, thrift be told, has been my issue with her from day one. Her parents don't show love and affection to each other or to their kids. I know my Wife isn't used to expressing her feelings. I grew up in an opposite environment, so I crave it. Not sure what to do here.

[change]

Ok so the pattern I am seeing is - when she sees you doing well and progressing she gets hopeful and likes what she sees. When you don't pay the attention to her that you normally do she realizes she misses it and wants it...can't help herself from somehow asking you for it. BUT - here's where things go south...you give in - that's all fine and well - but then you make another step in the "right" direction and she allows her fears to take over and crawls back into her little shell.

 

My wife seems to do this, too, and I agree with ShatteredReality here. In my case, which is very different in some respects from yours Jstobo, but not in others because you've been on this path for a longer period of time, I think this is why your marriage is salvageable. It's also why I thik my wife and I will end up dating each other again down the road.

 

On some levels I completely understand this...I really really do. It's very difficult to explain - and maybe understanding it doesn't make a difference (that's fine) but here is my "take". She sees you doing really well and wants to be with that guy...as soon as she begins to let her guard down, though, she worries that things will progress straight back to where they were and she may not be strong enough to leave again if she's that miserable. She loves seeing you happy and self confident...she loves seeing you not be that angry guy anymore...but is it smoke in mirrors?? How can she know?? How can she trust herself right now?? For all she knows she's seeing you through rose colored glasses again and ignoring important signs that point to things getting bad again in the not too far off future...

 

Yep. My wife has said as much to me.

 

I am not saying you deserve to be walked on - let's be clear on that ok? I am also not saying that she should never work to get you the way you've worked to get her back - please don't feel that I ever say that. I am trying to give you a glance at the angle she may be coming from. How she feels may or may not change in time for you to still want her back. She could very well ruin everything with her fears and running all the time. And you don't deserve to be treated like dirt.

 

Having said all of that. If you love her...if you want her back...then I would say don't give up just yet. I know it's painful...I would say, though, how long did she hold on before she gave up? How long did she try and try while you ignored her or blew up at her...chipping away at her a little at a time until she felt she had nothing left? I am not saying tit for tat or that if she was miserable for two years you should be for two years also...but I guess what I am saying is to put things into perspective. ugh does any of this make sense?? I feel like I am talking in circles around myself!!

 

I agree with ShatteredReality. I think you have a real chance here to work things out.

 

My wife went through hell for me for three years. She's commented that the tables are turned and that some of her behavior is EXACTLY like what I did to her. In some cases, I have to agree.

 

It doesn't seem like your wife is that forthcoming with that sort of information, Jstobo. But I think what ShatteredReality says is correct. I don't know how you follow that advice and not become a doormat though. That's the position I'm in at least -- the "it's over" conversation has happened again -- but it's happened before and she's come back from it. What's to say it won't happen again this time?

 

When you hurt your spouse, they have to have time to like their wounds. I think ShatteredReality is trying to say that your wife needs that space.

[ShatteredReality]

It's been 12 days since my Wife told me she wasn't sure she's making the right decision. As each day passes I get more and more confused. The reason why is, it seems I'm the one having to prove everything. We have had our one date, which was last Monday. Our next date is tonight, which I had to finally break down and ask for. I'm the one who sends her hello messages. I gave her a small gift on our anniversary. I love doing these things for my Wife. I tell her, I think she is beautiful. I don't tell her that so she tells me, "and I think you're handsome.". I tell her because it makes me feel good and I know she loves it.". It would be nice if she did something like that every once in a while.

 

In time you still may get these things in return from her. I didn't give these compliments lightly in the beginning...it took time...obviously things happened quicker for me than for your wife - but I also remained living with him....but it was at least 4-6 months before I complimented him that way...and a good year before I did it without him doing it first....tack on another 4-6 mo before I allowed him to catch me staring at him from across the room/table on the sofa...

 

I understand she is staying guarded to be sure all of this is real, but how long do I wait? At what point is being patient, being stupid? We've been married for 11 years. Her last words to me about how she feels were roughly two months ago. Those words were, I'm not in love with you, I'm not attracted to you and you're too sensitive for me.". I understand over the course of a marriage, we fall in and out of love with our spouses, but at what point should I expect a conversation about why she feels differently now?

 

Bottom line is, I'm starting to feel pretty stupid that I have been courting her over the last 12 days. Sure, she has responded positively to ALL of my actions, but she hasn't been proactive herself. Which, thrift be told, has been my issue with her from day one. Her parents don't show love and affection to each other or to their kids. I know my Wife isn't used to expressing her feelings. I grew up in an opposite environment, so I crave it. Not sure what to do here.

 

Like I said...no one can tell you how long to wait or how long to be patient for....but it's not being patient if you're sitting with your knee bopping up and down and getting up pacing back and forth - not to mention if you're doing those things you're not working on being happy by yourself. You're again struggling with control - and that is fine because it's a part of who you are...if you two get back together you will get some of that back - though not all of it. For now you have to sit and decide what you're willing to do....or not do....how long you're willing to wait...that sort of thing....if you give yourself a timeline you are taking your own form of control. Giving her her space but getting your control at the same time.

 

My wife seems to do this, too, and I agree with ShatteredReality here. In my case, which is very different in some respects from yours Jstobo, but not in others because you've been on this path for a longer period of time, I think this is why your marriage is salvageable. It's also why I thik my wife and I will end up dating each other again down the road.

 

I agree with ShatteredReality. I think you have a real chance here to work things out.

 

My wife went through hell for me for three years. She's commented that the tables are turned and that some of her behavior is EXACTLY like what I did to her. In some cases, I have to agree.

 

It doesn't seem like your wife is that forthcoming with that sort of information, Jstobo. But I think what ShatteredReality says is correct. I don't know how you follow that advice and not become a doormat though. That's the position I'm in at least -- the "it's over" conversation has happened again -- but it's happened before and she's come back from it. What's to say it won't happen again this time?

 

When you hurt your spouse, they have to have time to like their wounds. I think ShatteredReality is trying to say that your wife needs that space.

 

Yeah...what he said!

[jstobo]

It went very well. I promised myself I would not talk about our relationship in any way. I'm proud to say I was successful. We went to a local bar and played some pool and had dinner. We had great conversation about traveling and things we would like to do. The evening went by very positively. When I brought her home, she asked me to come in. I got to put the kids to bed, which was very nice. I think they really liked to see Mom and Dad come home together. I'm a little cautious, because I don't want to see them get their hopes up too much. After I put the kids to bed, my W initiated a nice romantic kissing session. I saw that passionate smile on her face I hadn't seen in a long time. I could tell that was all I was going to get this evening though. She walked me to the door and we said goodbye. It's weird, but I am truly dating my Wife again. Tonight was exactly like a 2nd date with any woman. I do feel pretty satisfied with how the evening went and I know there wasn't anything that set us back tonight. I'm excited for the third date.

[robf1971]

I allowed him to catch me staring at him from across the room/table on the sofa...

!

 

Lol you could be my wife, same kinda timescale too. I did exactly the same as your hubby too. I remember the first time I caught her looking at me "that way" again..

[robf1971]

but it's not being patient if you're sitting with your knee bopping up and down and getting up pacing back and forth -

 

Yep, You gotta be Switzerland on this ie neutral. Your wife will be attracted to you when she see's you happy without ANY pressure on her.

 

Don't be surprised if she's mega kissing and affectionate one day and cold the next, it's just the way these things work.

[robf1971]

and things we would like to do.

 

my W initiated a nice romantic kissing session. I saw that passionate smile on her face I hadn't seen in a long time.

 

Both of these are damn good signs. To coin a cliche, "it's in the kiss", nothing is truer. Both of you chatting about the future together isn't far off either. Just don't expect too much too quickly.

[ShatteredReality]

It went very well. I promised myself I would not talk about our relationship in any way. I'm proud to say I was successful. We went to a local bar and played some pool and had dinner. We had great conversation about traveling and things we would like to do. The evening went by very positively. When I brought her home, she asked me to come in. I got to put the kids to bed, which was very nice. I think they really liked to see Mom and Dad come home together. I'm a little cautious, because I don't want to see them get their hopes up too much. After I put the kids to bed, my W initiated a nice romantic kissing session. I saw that passionate smile on her face I hadn't seen in a long time. I could tell that was all I was going to get this evening though. She walked me to the door and we said goodbye. It's weird, but I am truly dating my Wife again. Tonight was exactly like a 2nd date with any woman. I do feel pretty satisfied with how the evening went and I know there wasn't anything that set us back tonight. I'm excited for the third date.

 

Oh that's great!! See...in spite of her fears - when she doesn't feel you trying to control the situation or put pressures on her, she enjoys your company again. She enjoyed being with you enough that she was attracted to you - even if she hasn't said that she is, isn't it obvious by her actions??

 

Yep, You gotta be Switzerland on this ie neutral. Your wife will be attracted to you when she see's you happy without ANY pressure on her.

 

Don't be surprised if she's mega kissing and affectionate one day and cold the next, it's just the way these things work.

 

Agreed.

 

Both of these are damn good signs. To coin a cliche, "it's in the kiss", nothing is truer. Both of you chatting about the future together isn't far off either. Just don't expect too much too quickly.

 

She has a ton of passion just building up inside for you that she's afraid to let you see...because if you know it's there then she's trapped again. But when she kissed you like that I am sure you could feel it just under the surface....

[jstobo]

She has a ton of passion just building up inside for you that she's afraid to let you see...because if you know it's there then she's trapped again. But when she kissed you like that I am sure you could feel it just under the surface....

 

Boy Shattered, I hope you're right. Because this is really hard.

 

I hope I didn't ruin things this morning, but I felt this is what a prudent man would do. As most of you know, we are in separate houses and I have been writing my W a check the last couple of months based on a figure our mediator threw together months ago. After we had our first mediation, the attorney agreed that the original number was not appropriate for how I am paid and the fact I actually have the kids more than what she plugged into the formula. I have a salary and bonus. The attorney vocalized that my wife should be given a monthly amount based on my salary and a percentage of my bonuses when I get them. Our meeting this Friday (which we scheduled nearly three weeks ago after our first meeting) was going to be finalizing the financials. My W said a couple days ago that she wasn't comfortable going to the next mediation since we were moving in the direction we were going. I agreed, but I have had this gnawing feeling that we should at least finalize the financials since we are still living apart and I don't know if we'll get back together. I didn't want to keep paying the original amount, since we know it will definitely be lower. I had that conversation with her this morning. At first she said she could respect that, but she eventually got a little defensive about it. I hated having to have that conversation with her, but I felt due to the circumstances, it was the right thing to do. Thoughts??

[ShatteredReality]

You still have to cover your bases. Tell her that. Tell her that you respect her need for time and space, but that you have to prepare for all possible outcomes from this situation. Explain to her that you are fully aware you cannot control what decision she is going to make about the two of you or when she will make it, so you want to have something put together in case things head south somehow...and that if she feels strongly enough about it to give you a reason to reconsider this position. You have made it clear you want reconciliation...she needs to accept that the only reason you're moving forward with this is because she still hasn't given you anything firm to hold on to.

[jstobo]

You still have to cover your bases. Tell her that. Tell her that you respect her need for time and space, but that you have to prepare for all possible outcomes from this situation. Explain to her that you are fully aware you cannot control what decision she is going to make about the two of you or when she will make it, so you want to have something put together in case things head south somehow...and that if she feels strongly enough about it to give you a reason to reconsider this position. You have made it clear you want reconciliation...she needs to accept that the only reason you're moving forward with this is because she still hasn't given you anything firm to hold on to.

 

I am having such a hard time with this. I posted on another thread, i think it's lizzygirl or something like that. Anyway, I am happy my W has had a change of heart and wants to test the waters. But I almost feel like I'm the one who had an EA, told her I'm not in love with her and moved out. I feel like I'm having to do all the work here. It's been two weeks now since she changed her mind. Sure, she responds positively to me asking her out, texting her something or affection, but she doesn't do any of that herself. I realize I am the man and men pursue, but she left, she had the EA and she fell out of love. I'm feeling stupid right now. I read other threads where people say if she really wants to be with me, she'll beat down doors to get to me. Heck, I'm sweeping up the entry way, dusting off the mat, opening the door and handing her a glass of champagne as she walks in. I mean, WTF?? Is there any reason I shouldn't just go back to how I was before this change happened and live my life?? Maybe I can leave the door unlocked, but AT LEAST make her open it herself. Geesh!!

[ShatteredReality]

I am having such a hard time with this. I posted on another thread, i think it's lizzygirl or something like that. Anyway, I am happy my W has had a change of heart and wants to test the waters. But I almost feel like I'm the one who had an EA, told her I'm not in love with her and moved out. I feel like I'm having to do all the work here. It's been two weeks now since she changed her mind. Sure, she responds positively to me asking her out, texting her something or affection, but she doesn't do any of that herself. I realize I am the man and men pursue, but she left, she had the EA and she fell out of love. I'm feeling stupid right now. I read other threads where people say if she really wants to be with me, she'll beat down doors to get to me. Heck, I'm sweeping up the entry way, dusting off the mat, opening the door and handing her a glass of champagne as she walks in. I mean, WTF?? Is there any reason I shouldn't just go back to how I was before this change happened and live my life?? Maybe I can leave the door unlocked, but AT LEAST make her open it herself. Geesh!!

 

I know it isn't fair. If my husband had done those things...pulled away...stopped changing in a positive fashion...stopped working for me...I would have left. Period. I had given up long before I had my affair. I was done. I had nothing left to give. He had to work like that to prove to me he wasn't going to trap me again. I held out too....I didn't give him everything...I didn't give him all of me...it took a long time and I know it hurt him. I am now spending time trying to make up for that...but honestly, I am making up for it now because I want to, not because of some marital obligation. Ok...here's really cheesy story...really...bear with me though. My H likes cheesy romantic things sometimes...we sometimes joke that he's the girl and I am the guy in our marriage...but anyways...while we were going through it all he got all sappy about a Savage Garden song that I listened to a BUNCH in highschool...Truly Madly Deeply. So one night he's showing me like I haven't heard it cause he didn't know...and I started to sing along with it (I am kinda tone def but otherwise my voice is ok). Well it got romantic and I sat on his lap facing him and sang along with the song...he got all teary eyed and that was one of the first "nice" things I did for him during our reconciliation. So...our 11y anniversary is next month. I have spent the last month memorizing another song for him(only while alone in the car - that's why it took so long)...it's by a band called Trapt and it's called Only One in Color. On our anniversary I plan to pull it up on our home sound system (surround sound and all that good stuff) like on Youtube with the words showing on the TV (my back to the TV but him facing it so he can see the words) and I will sing it to him wearing a black lacey corset that I have had my eye on for awhile that covers my c-section scar. Why am I telling you this way corny plan of mine? Because this is one of my methods for helping to make sure he knows he made the right choice putting in that work for me. Now, you may not be into that sappy stuff...but we wives....when we're IN LOVE with our husbands...we try to do things to please them...and so long as they react to it and don't ignore us - we continue to do so. Once we stop it takes a long time to get it back. It took a year before we began to feel somewhat normal...two before we were actually normal...now we are a regular couple that is better than we were three or four years ago - while I would erase many mistakes, we learned from them so I choose to believe our perseverance paid off and the past is where it belongs.

 

No one can tell you how long to wait. No one can tell you if you're doing the right thing or being a doormat....that is something only you can truly determine. Is she worth it Jstobo? Even if things don't work out...is it better knowing you tried your very very best and hardest? That you didn't give up? Or would you feel better about yourself if you walked away right now...gave up and didn't look back? Only you know how you feel deep inside about these things...

[robf1971]

if she really wants to be with me, she'll beat down doors to get to me.!!

 

Momentum... It started way slower than you with my wife, then it snowballed but that was over a period of at least 5 months.

[robf1971]

I feel like I'm having to do all the work here. It's been two weeks now since she changed her mind. Sure, she responds positively to me asking her out, texting her something or affection, but she doesn't do any of that herself.

 

 

Ok... I'm gonna sound horrible here but I mean it in the best way.

 

You sound like a lovesick 16 year old... stop complaining. What you have is 10 million times more than most people on here. I totally stopped texting all this lovey dovey stuff to my wife, and initiating anything. I mean ANYTHING for months and months and months.

 

Guess what, she started doing it to me. I never gave my wife an "I love you". Guess what she started telling it to me. Ocasionally at first, now sometimes it's 10 times a day. Sometimes it's not for a week.

 

When you are back together, these things will be different and it's a good thing. Your relationship will not be the same as before.

[UntoldStory]

Hope it's ok for me to jump in here on your thread, jstobo, but I do want to point out....

 

ShatteredReality and Robf1971 both have their own stories about how they were able to put their marriages back together and make them stronger than they were before. I love hearing about this stuff, because I think that's how it's supposed to be. Marriage is hard work, and you should see the payoff after you put in the effort.

 

However, sadly, my story isn't one of those. We worked our asses off, and we're still getting divorced.

 

I guess my only point is, sometimes the basic compatibility just isn't there -- maybe wasn't ever there -- and people do grow apart. In the end my acid test was: "do I see myself being truly happy and content sitting next to this person in a rocking chair at the end of my life when we can't do anything but eat jello and sleep?" In my case the answer was no.

[bestplayer]

Hope it's ok for me to jump in here on your thread, jstobo, but I do want to point out....

 

ShatteredReality and Robf1971 both have their own stories about how they were able to put their marriages back together and make them stronger than they were before. I love hearing about this stuff, because I think that's how it's supposed to be. Marriage is hard work, and you should see the payoff after you put in the effort.

 

However, sadly, my story isn't one of those. We worked our asses off, and we're still getting divorced.

 

I guess my only point is, sometimes the basic compatibility just isn't there -- maybe wasn't ever there -- and people do grow apart. In the end my acid test was: "do I see myself being truly happy and content sitting next to this person in a rocking chair at the end of my life when we can't do anything but eat jello and sleep?" In my case the answer was no.

 

"...However, sadly, my story isn't one of those. We worked our asses off, and we're still getting divorced...."

 

If I am not wrong , were not you having an affair while you were working so hard on your marriage ?

 

 

Best of luck

[jstobo]

Ok... I'm gonna sound horrible here but I mean it in the best way.

 

You sound like a lovesick 16 year old... stop complaining. What you have is 10 million times more than most people on here. I totally stopped texting all this lovey dovey stuff to my wife, and initiating anything. I mean ANYTHING for months and months and months.

 

Guess what, she started doing it to me. I never gave my wife an "I love you". Guess what she started telling it to me. Ocasionally at first, now sometimes it's 10 times a day. Sometimes it's not for a week.

 

When you are back together, these things will be different and it's a good thing. Your relationship will not be the same as before.

 

Robf- I should probably dig your story out. Were you the BS or the WS?