My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[Steadfast]

I had a need to ask certain questions and you allowed me that jstobo. Thank you, and more thanks to shattered for the time. It's hard to 'life story' inside of a few paragraphs. I don't expect life changing answers.

 

I will say that I admire (and yes, somewhat envy) those who have reconciled after infidelity. I know it's possible because my parents did it. I know the love can deepen and the relationship can turn into something incredible. I know and believe that each of us has the capability of turning something bad into a positive. And while life would be easier if one did not have to endure this, these stories demonstrate the power of love. If my ex would have been willing I have no doubt we would have made it. See, though it all I loved her. Cared about her. I had good parents and a family that didn't discourage expressing love. I never felt it came at a price.

 

It is very, very possible I love her more than she loves herself.

 

We make our own fortune. If husband and wife is pulling the rope in the same direction, they're blessed. Some of us simply do not have this.

 

My kids are growing and that's a hard thing. All through graduation week, I kept thinking I should be comforting her mother through this emotional time, but I was feeling both emotions; happiness, accomplishment and the realization I'm getting older. It isn't an easy thing to do. Thanks everyone-

[ShatteredReality]

I had a need to ask certain questions and you allowed me that jstobo. Thank you, and more thanks to shattered for the time. It's hard to 'life story' inside of a few paragraphs. I don't expect life changing answers.

 

I will say that I admire (and yes, somewhat envy) those who have reconciled after infidelity. I know it's possible because my parents did it. I know the love can deepen and the relationship can turn into something incredible. I know and believe that each of us has the capability of turning something bad into a positive. And while life would be easier if one did not have to endure this, these stories demonstrate the power of love. If my ex would have been willing I have no doubt we would have made it. See, though it all I loved her. Cared about her. I had good parents and a family that didn't discourage expressing love. I never felt it came at a price.

 

It is very, very possible I love her more than she loves herself.

 

We make our own fortune. If husband and wife is pulling the rope in the same direction, they're blessed. Some of us simply do not have this.

 

My kids are growing and that's a hard thing. All through graduation week, I kept thinking I should be comforting her mother through this emotional time, but I was feeling both emotions; happiness, accomplishment and the realization I'm getting older. It isn't an easy thing to do. Thanks everyone-

 

For the first bolded...good...cause they don't come quite so easily. You need to be in the perfectly right frame of mind and the person who says whatever it is needs to say it at the right time with the right wording that it clicks....lol. All in good time right??

 

And for the second bolded - I cannot tell you how many times my H told me that....and for awhile it was true....and for all I am willing to admit it could still be. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy...and we do things for the "in the moment" satisfaction and ignore the looming consequences...we put bandaids on gaping wounds hoping to stop the bleeding and it takes awhile to learn that doesn't work.

 

You'll get through this graduation period and things will settle again...you will move forward again...she will do her thing and you yours....in the end I think you sound like a pretty well rounded guy, if not capable of at least saying what you need outright - which is valuable. I've always respected your advice for Jstobo - very well worded and meaningful.

[starting2wakeup]

It is very, very possible I love her more than she loves herself.

 

I think that this happens more than people realize. Knowing this, put yourself in their shoes. How would it feel to know that your partner cares for you more than you care for yourselves. Would it feel comforting? Scary? Would it deflate or inflate your ego? Would it make you feel loved or would you start to worry that this person might be holding something over you? I don't have the answers but I can certainly relate to your comment. The hard part, upon realizing this, is trying to love yourself as much as you love them.

[jstobo]

It's been a couple days since I've updated things. They aren't much different. I still seem to be giving and she still seems to be taking. I don't understand why my W wants to work things out, yet repeatedly rejects me.

 

She hasn't been feeling very well over the past couple of days. On Friday morning I asked if I could bring her anything. She said thanks, but she was ok. Every time we communicated throughout the day, she would mention how bad she felt. Around 5, I said why don't you let me bring you and the kids dinner so you can rest for the evening. She said no thanks, because her sister took the kids to disney. If you remember from an earlier post, we had to cancel our date for the same night because I couldn't find a babysitter. I was pretty steamed to find out the kids were going to Disney, yet our date was cancelled. She got defensive and said her sister offered earlier that day because her sister knew she was sick and they were coming home at 6 anyway. I was right back to the original rejection of her not letting me come over and get the kids dinner, so she could rest. I hope that story made sense.

 

The next day, my son had a baseball game and we sat next to each other with her barely saying a word. I left after the game and just gave her a quick goodbye. I was going to a party that night with all of our mutual friends. I had invited her to go with me earlier in the week, but of course she rejected that invitation. I was going to the party with a thought in my mind of what ever happens happens. I'm so tired of my W words saying she wants to work things out, but her actions say the exact opposite.

 

At the party, of course one of her best friends talks to me and tells me how much my W wants to work things out. I'm like really? She sure doesn't act like it. She was telling me how she's been telling my W that she needs to change as well. She can't expect me to do all the changing.

 

So now I sit here Sunday morning still confused. I don't trust her, so it's easy for me to think she is lieing about wanting to work things out. Don't know why. Maybe it's financial, maybe single motherhood is turning out to seem worse than an unhappy marriage. I don't know. But I don't think she would lie to her closest friends and sister.

 

I want to walk away and just see if she starts trying harder, but I know that will confirm to her that I haven't changed. I'm very confused.

[heartshaped]

How is communication between you and your wife? You talk a lot about the two of you talking about going on dates or the kids, but are the two of you just talking? Communication is huge in a relationship and it doesn't sound like the two of you are doing much of it. Also, are the two of you in counseling or have considered getting some counseling? If you want to work things out, that might be your best bet at this time.

[Richard Friedman]

We only live once pal. Why do you insist on holding a torch for this one woman? There are 150 million other women in this country. Surely one of them might love you enough to not play this idiotic, push-pull, i'm not sure nonsense?

[Steadfast]

Obviously communication is very poor and from experience, I can tell you it's impossible to guess. The reasons why can be discussed and debated endlessly, but the important thing to keep in mind is communication is needed, but isn't present. That means you're at a standstill. So be it.

 

This falls back into the area we were discussing a few posts back. She feels she'll talk when, if, or knows she's ready. The question is, how long do you want to wait? I'm hesitant to use myself as an example because...well, I'm divorced. It's clear you're trying to save this thing. I quit trying. My ex once asked what happened to my love? I told her it starved to death.

 

I can however, give you this advice. Stop. Stop planning, stop initiating conversation, stop expecting answers and stop bearing the weight of this all by yourself. Go back to the place that moved you forward before and put the ball in her court. Be nice, be kind and sincere, but leave her be for a good amount of time. I'd even suggest passing if she asks to get together. Just turn her down a couple times; no, I'm busy. It's a bit of a risk and it's a bit of a game, but you can't go chasing her around. Stop.

 

When she sincerely begins to have the same respect for you and your time as you have for hers, then perhaps you can move forward. If she doesn't, if she plans on staying wishy-washy and leaving you to pull the rope alone, that won't work. Until she's as serious about fixing it as you, it's hopeless.

 

Act as though you're split and the marriage is over. At this point, it is.

[Tayla]

Steadfast- good advice. Said as someone who experienced this. Loved your line "it starved to death". I can relate to that....sometimes love does that when the other side forgets to nourish the relations....

[John Michael Kane]

We only live once pal. Why do you insist on holding a torch for this one woman? There are 150 million other women in this country. Surely one of them might love you enough to not play this idiotic, push-pull, i'm not sure nonsense?

 

Exactly. She's a cheater who only cares about herself. Stop letting her continually disrespect you with these sick games of hers.

[ShatteredReality]

Yeah the communication still isn't there yet Jstobo. I am with all the others on this. Without it my H and I would not have survived. We had to set boundaries and make agreements before we could even begin to tread that territory...but once it happens - even if this thing doesn't work out...it's best for the kids if you two figure out a way to talk to eachother. It's all about putting the fear aside...you are afraid if you lay it out on the table she will in some fashion continue to reject you, she's afraid if she puts it all out there her vulnerabilities will be taken for granted and tossed aside as unimportant....

 

Start small...but start talking. Find a way to open that door with her. One of our agreements ahead of time was that we told eachother when we were about to say something that made us uncomfortable to say. That kind of made it off limits to use against us later...so when I told him I had a certain feeling but didn't want him to overreact to it...well he would work a little extra hard not to overreact - still does. We still use these methods...and for the most part they have been our saving grace...our ability to talk about things we would otherwise keep to ourselves.

[jstobo]

Heartshaped: communication is not there between us. I am hopeful that after a few weeks of therapy, it will help in this area. I'm hopeful that my W will go to a session with me and we can a third party help us a bit. Lack of communication has been our problem from day one. I know we need to get better with it. I have just run out of ideas to improve it.

 

Richard Friedman: I don't know why I continue to hold a torch. I moved on about a month ago and she came back. She didn't too anything bad enough in the past I couldn't forgive her for, so I keep trying.

 

Steadfast: Very good advice. I have strongly considering doing this over the past week. I haven't implemented it yet, but I think I am going to. I'm trying to have a 7 day goal. I don't want to chase her, ask her for anything or ask to hang out with her. But I'll be nice. Not stand offish. Then I'll reevaluate and see if I continue that plan.

 

John Michael: I don't think I can classify her as just a cheater. Yes she had texted and e-mailed a college friend. I haven't lived with my W for two months and I have been texting and e-mailing several female friends and I haven't so much has held any of their hands. She hasn't apologized or shown remorse for it, which I am not happy with, but it is more complicated. I do agree with the disrespecting part. I do need to stop letting her disrespect me. Hopefully following Steadfast's advice will help this.

 

ShatteredReality: communication still isn't there. We are definitely stuck right now. I guess the positive is, we haven't pulled further apart. I am optimistic we are piecing things together. I am optimistic that IC will help me communicate with her better. I haven't had the tools to try something different.

 

We did have a good day today. We were at our kids swim meet and she was still sick, but it was my loving W today. I wish I could get that W more often. Thanks for all your posts today!!

[Steadfast]

Start small...but start talking. Find a way to open that door with her. One of our agreements ahead of time was that we told eachother when we were about to say something that made us uncomfortable to say. That kind of made it off limits to use against us later...so when I told him I had a certain feeling but didn't want him to overreact to it...well he would work a little extra hard not to overreact - still does. We still use these methods...and for the most part they have been our saving grace...our ability to talk about things we would otherwise keep to ourselves.

 

Great advice shattered...but I think you're preaching to the choir. jstobo's wife needs to read this advice, since she's the one that's closed off. Until she's willing to (at least) meet him halfway, there's no chance. Considering she stepped outside the marriage, she should be steamrolling. She isn't.

[jstobo]

Well unfortunately all of the naysayers were right. She just ended it again. She is unwilling to recognize the changes she needs to make in order for us to have a happy marriage. She made the comment "I am who I am." In other words I need to do all the changing. She doesn't feel her communication skills are a problem. She thinks that when she is in a "quiet mood" I should just know that and not think anything of it. It was only a month ago she changed her mind and wanted to try again. Some how she expected me to be a completely different person, even though she was the exact same person.

 

I feel sad right now, but I know I'm better off. I'm upset that I'm delayed a month in my healing because of this weak "second chance", but I can already tell I am so much more healed than when it happened the first time. I'm not crying, I'm not sick to my stomach and I don't feel hopeless. Now I don't have to keep wondering what to do. It's easy now. I'll keep posting because I'm sure there will be things to post in the coming weeks. I do have to say, I didn't expect this today.

[Surfer203]

Sorry to hear that pal. Sounds like it is for the better though. You have the right idea.. onward to healing and getting through this. You already had the worst happen when the first incident went down. Now..second chance didn't work out but I am sure it didn't hurt AS much. Still hurts though I know. You are strong, get through this. If she changes her mind again be very cautious and don't let her back so easily. I think you are ready to move on, so start doing it and put this painful time behind you, best of luck!

[ShatteredReality]

I am sorry to hear it Jstobo. I think by the time she is able to move beyond her fear and see things more clearly she'll regret this decision. Ultimately you have made huge strides forward, though, and if you continue to do so the healing process won't be nearly as difficult as it would be otherwise. You're stronger now...and you can honestly say that you tried everything you could think of to make it work...

 

Please keep posting...

[jstobo]

I am sorry to hear it Jstobo. I think by the time she is able to move beyond her fear and see things more clearly she'll regret this decision. Ultimately you have made huge strides forward, though, and if you continue to do so the healing process won't be nearly as difficult as it would be otherwise. You're stronger now...and you can honestly say that you tried everything you could think of to make it work...

 

Please keep posting...

 

Thank you. I'm already better. I never believed she was really in it. Limbo was extremely difficult. When she said she is who she is, I realized I was in an unwinnable situation. I realized I was dealing with an alcoholic who couldn't realize or accept they were an alcoholic, figuratively speaking. I can't be the one to help her any longer. I have a strong feeling that my Wife will end up like Steadfast's. She's going to get help one of these days and when that happens, she'll realize the mistakes she made.

 

You're quote under your posts about being arguing with an idiot couldn't be more appropriate at this time.

[ShatteredReality]

Thank you. I'm already better. I never believed she was really in it. Limbo was extremely difficult. When she said she is who she is, I realized I was in an unwinnable situation. I realized I was dealing with an alcoholic who couldn't realize or accept they were an alcoholic, figuratively speaking. I can't be the one to help her any longer. I have a strong feeling that my Wife will end up like Steadfast's. She's going to get help one of these days and when that happens, she'll realize the mistakes she made.

 

You're quote under your posts about being arguing with an idiot couldn't be more appropriate at this time.

 

Well if you ever want me to give her a call and tell her whatfor let me know!! j/k

 

Feel free to steal and use that quote whenever...I totally grabbed it off a friend....it's a nice little reminder...I have a horrid habit of trying to reason with the unreasonable.

[Steadfast]

She just ended it again.

 

Ended what? Her fence sitting, half-in, half-out frame of mind? If that's the case the situation is improving. I only wish I was kidding.

 

The truth is, even after her latest proclamation you're in the same exact position as you were before she said it. This is how she feels right now. As time goes on her feelings will change again, as mood and situation dictate.

 

Take the time to sort through your head and heart, basing your decisions on what's best for moving forward and living a life of purpose. Take a well deserved break from her; no input from you whatsoever...even if she asks. Maybe, just maybe, she'll come to a resolution that's truly her own.

 

Seems to me she's been changing the tide at her digression, and that is more than part of the reason your marriage is where it's presently at. All too often the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Time for some deciding of your own-

[2sunny]

They aren't much different. I still seem to be giving and she still seems to be taking. I don't understand why my W wants to work things out, yet repeatedly rejects me.

 

ummm, because this way she does nothing and you do it all! stop doing anything for her.

 

She hasn't been feeling very well over the past couple of days.

:rolleyes: good way for her to show avoidant behavior!

 

 

 

On Friday morning I asked if I could bring her anything.

 

:rolleyes: stop that! stop being her doormat! it looks pathetic and she's using you and treating you poorly- and you're just begging for more... GET MAD!!! real mad!

 

She said thanks, but she was ok. Every time we communicated throughout the day, she would mention how bad she felt. Around 5, I said why don't you let me bring you and the kids dinner so you can rest for the evening. She said no thanks, because her sister took the kids to disney. If you remember from an earlier post, we had to cancel our date for the same night because I couldn't find a babysitter. I was pretty steamed to find out the kids were going to Disney, yet our date was cancelled. She got defensive and said her sister offered earlier that day because her sister knew she was sick and they were coming home at 6 anyway. I was right back to the original rejection of her not letting me come over and get the kids dinner, so she could rest. I hope that story made sense.

 

 

blah blah blah - excuses for her to NOT interact with you so she can DO whatever she wants without you knowing.

 

 

The next day, my son had a baseball game and we sat next to each other with her barely saying a word. I left after the game and just gave her a quick goodbye. I was going to a party that night with all of our mutual friends. I had invited her to go with me earlier in the week, but of course she rejected that invitation. I was going to the party with a thought in my mind of what ever happens happens. I'm so tired of my W words saying she wants to work things out, but her actions say the exact opposite.

 

she doesn't want you to know what's really going on - that's her reason for not saying much - there's too much to hide.

 

stop making her your priority. it's time now to think of YOUR best interest - and your kids.

 

 

At the party, of course one of her best friends talks to me and tells me how much my W wants to work things out. I'm like really? She sure doesn't act like it. She was telling me how she's been telling my W that she needs to change as well. She can't expect me to do all the changing.

 

your wife will lie and cover up - that's for sure.

 

So now I sit here Sunday morning still confused. I don't trust her, so it's easy for me to think she is lieing about wanting to work things out. Don't know why. Maybe it's financial, maybe single motherhood is turning out to seem worse than an unhappy marriage. I don't know. But I don't think she would lie to her closest friends and sister.

 

she doesn't want to work it out - she just intends to use you as much as you will allow her to - so stop it.

 

I want to walk away and just see if she starts trying harder, but I know that will confirm to her that I haven't changed. I'm very confused.

 

walk away and start living- go have fun... get hobbies and start playing in life, enjoy! don't look back.

[jstobo]

I just spoke with her sister. I had to let someone know about all the medications my W is taking. Since I'm no longer involved, I felt a family member should be aware. Her sister knew about the anti-depressants and got a little defensive as a sister should. But I can leave with a clean conscious that I passed the torch. I let her sister know I was very happy that the marriage is finally over and that I can move on with my life.

 

My W made a comment to my Mom about 9 months ago about wanting to drive off the bridge sometimes. My mom took it as something all people say at some points in their lives and didn't think much of it. But crazy things happen sometimes like this. You later find out the person was on multiple medications and drank each night. About two months ago, I mentioned the comment to my W and she adamantly denied it and basically called my mom a liar. Well I mentioned this particular conversation to her sister and before I could finish, she said exactly what my mom told me my W said. Her sister proved to me that my W did in fact say it. Yet my W made my mom appear to be lying to me.

 

About 30 minutes after hanging up with her sister, my W called me. I didn't answer because I am now LC (only kids and finances). She didn't leave a message. We'll see how many times she tries to contact me throughout the day.

[heartshaped]

That's a little worrying jstobo, I think you did the right thing in telling her sister. How long has your wife been on these medications? Antidepressants, in some people, only make the situation worse. Both of my close friends who have been on antidepressants felt an increased sense of depression and both also started feeling suicidal as before they didn't. In the end, one was taken off of the medication by her doctor and the other stopped taking it because she realized the medication was actually making her worse.

[Steadfast]

The difficult part will be when she stops calling. If you stick to your guns, she eventually will. That's the next phase and it'll test your resolve to the limit.

 

That's why, starting right now, you make good decisions for good reasons. When the finality of this hits, that's all you'll have to support yourself with.

 

Good for happy. Go for fulfillment and purpose. Don't look back.

[jstobo]

That's a little worrying jstobo, I think you did the right thing in telling her sister. How long has your wife been on these medications? Antidepressants, in some people, only make the situation worse. Both of my close friends who have been on antidepressants felt an increased sense of depression and both also started feeling suicidal as before they didn't. In the end, one was taken off of the medication by her doctor and the other stopped taking it because she realized the medication was actually making her worse.

 

She has been on and off them since the day I met her. I know she was on them as far back as college. Her mom sat me down one day before my wife and I married and explained to me what I was going to deal with. I felt at the time I could handle it, because hey, I was madly in love with her. Over time, I started to get depressed because I wasn't having my needs met. I guess it became more difficult for me to handle because I stopped meeting her needs. It's kind of funny that I accepted this fault when I married her and I stuck by her and in the end, she is leaving me for the reasons her mom warned me about. Oh well, life goes on. I feel very strongly she is doing me favor by letting me go.

[jstobo]

The difficult part will be when she stops calling. If you stick to your guns, she eventually will. That's the next phase and it'll test your resolve to the limit.

 

That's why, starting right now, you make good decisions for good reasons. When the finality of this hits, that's all you'll have to support yourself with.

 

Good for happy. Go for fulfillment and purpose. Don't look back.

 

She only called the one time today. She e-mailed a little bit ago about soccer for our son and I responded, but that has been it. It hasn't been hard today. I really feel she pushed me over the edge and I am done. I'm happy. I don't have the anxiety I had been feeling for so long. Do I want her to call and realize what a terrible mistake she made? Of course, but not so we can get back together. It would only be to feel the satisfaction. But my W is too prideful to allow that to be known.

[ShatteredReality]

She has been on and off them since the day I met her. I know she was on them as far back as college. Her mom sat me down one day before my wife and I married and explained to me what I was going to deal with. I felt at the time I could handle it, because hey, I was madly in love with her. Over time, I started to get depressed because I wasn't having my needs met. I guess it became more difficult for me to handle because I stopped meeting her needs. It's kind of funny that I accepted this fault when I married her and I stuck by her and in the end, she is leaving me for the reasons her mom warned me about. Oh well, life goes on. I feel very strongly she is doing me favor by letting me go.

 

Depression is a very selfish disease...My H's untreated depression was one of the reasons we had problems the way that we did. A few times since getting on medication he's decided he was fine and stopped...but even he realized that wasn't going to work for him....now he relies much more on me to know if the medication is working or not....I can tell by his moods and such. We've found a med that works fairly well right now and he's pretty happy with it...

 

Well I have to say this - through it all you have learned plenty, you found things about yourself to improve and you did it. You're doing great - and I think now you can take the time to really figure things out for you....with us here rootingn for the best for you...