Distant78 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Dude, your angry. I get it. So am I. I'm angry and hurt, my soul is shattered. I'm not excusing anything and Im not rationalizing anything she did. All I want is to heal, I want other people that have been through what I'm going through to stop hurting too. Understanding what happens, and some of the contributing factors for why helps me understand/heal. It does not help me forgive. I don't give a flying sh*t what drugs she had spitting through her head... She made DECISIONS along the way which got this snowball rolling. Selfish, disgusting, horrible decisions that have destroyed her husband and her child and likely ruined a family. If she desn't take 100% responsibilty for her actions, I'm done. Truth is, I'm probably done anyway. I sought to understand for my own good. Not hers, and it wont have anything to do with forgiving her. I won't even tell her that I know these things, she's not getting that crutch to use. h*ll no! She makes up enough of them in her own mind as is it. But, I will promise you because of what I know now.. I will respect what could happen, and I keep any potential OW at a very safe distance from me. Like I said in my original post, I think thats the key to never letting it happen. understanding & respecting what it could do and staying the hell away from it. Hey good for you man that you're trying to find what went wrong, but that's not me. Like Snowflower said, all I needed to know was that what she did was over the line and I couldn't be with someone like that, and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I admit that having been cheated on plays a part in why I would never do it to another person but even before that I was alway honest. There were times in my life I did not want to be committed to one person and that is how I lived but the entire time I was honest about it. I never lied to any woman and made her think things were anything other than what I said they were. I admit that some people have very poor self control but if they want to be in a committed relationship they should get it under control. If you don't want to be committed to one person than never make that commitment. How hard is that? Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I think its more like "Its just a little flirting, nothing will come of it" and then it becomes "I can control this. I'm not going to really do anything" To finally "My spouse won't find out if..." I don't think it starts off planned in most cases. Its definitely flirting with disaster though. its always planned...everything a woman does is planned. A woman knows if she is going to have sex that night before she even goes out for the night. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Knowing what I know, takes the sting out of some of it. It helps to understand and better fight the emotions that get in the way of my goals. Agreed, great post and I feel the same. In effect, you've probably touched on the motivation behind to book. Like any good work, Langley's findings help educate men to the problems women face today (especially here in the media-heavy USA) and why many of them decide to do what they do. In my case, it made me realize my role in it. More than that, it opened my eyes to the reality of just how little power I had over the outcome. My 'instincts' to save the marriage proved to be, beyond any doubt, all wrong. For a woman in chemical affair fog, demands and ultimatums from the very person they see as hindering their happiness only hardens the concrete faster. The advice to let go, give the wayward what she wants and work on personal issues was the exact right thing to do. Again, in my case, my wife's romantic sexual desire was directed at someone else. To 'level' the playing field, I had to remove myself from it. This allowed her to see what she had created for herself much sooner, and much more clearly. How this applies to wayward men, I do not know. The basic principle of 'be careful what you wish for' no doubt is unisex, but clearly, women and men are different. They think differently, feel differently and act differently. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Agreed, great post and I feel the same. In effect, you've probably touched on the motivation behind to book. Like any good work, Langley's findings help educate men to the problems women face today (especially here in the media-heavy USA) and why many of them decide to do what they do. In my case, it made me realize my role in it. More than that, it opened my eyes to the reality of just how little power I had over the outcome. My 'instincts' to save the marriage proved to be, beyond any doubt, all wrong. For a woman in chemical affair fog, demands and ultimatums from the very person they see as hindering their happiness only hardens the concrete faster. The advice to let go, give the wayward what she wants and work on personal issues was the exact right thing to do. Again, in my case, my wife's romantic sexual desire was directed at someone else. To 'level' the playing field, I had to remove myself from it. This allowed her to see what she had created for herself much sooner, and much more clearly. How this applies to wayward men, I do not know. The basic principle of 'be careful what you wish for' no doubt is unisex, but clearly, women and men are different. They think differently, feel differently and act differently. Steadfast, great post! I am not sure it differs that much for men who are discovered having a long-term emotional and sexual affair. I believe that is what the '180' is all about. By removing myself from their triangle dynamic without acrimony and drama, it did grow clearer more quickly for my fWS! When I refused to be an impediment to their relationship, I guess it was not as much fun? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Agreed, great post and I feel the same. In effect, you've probably touched on the motivation behind to book. Like any good work, Langley's findings help educate men to the problems women face today (especially here in the media-heavy USA) and why many of them decide to do what they do. In my case, it made me realize my role in it. More than that, it opened my eyes to the reality of just how little power I had over the outcome. My 'instincts' to save the marriage proved to be, beyond any doubt, all wrong. For a woman in chemical affair fog, demands and ultimatums from the very person they see as hindering their happiness only hardens the concrete faster. The advice to let go, give the wayward what she wants and work on personal issues was the exact right thing to do. Again, in my case, my wife's romantic sexual desire was directed at someone else. To 'level' the playing field, I had to remove myself from it. This allowed her to see what she had created for herself much sooner, and much more clearly. How this applies to wayward men, I do not know. The basic principle of 'be careful what you wish for' no doubt is unisex, but clearly, women and men are different. They think differently, feel differently and act differently. Or maybe a better solution would be to kick her to the curb and move on with your life. This applies to men just as well. If most people had a no tolerance policy to being cheated on and the courts didn't reward cheaters then maybe less people would do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Leviia Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I always thought the stats showed men to be the higher cheaters. Not that it's important. People cheat because something is wrong in the relationship and that is nearly always the result of both people not working together! I would never cheat. That's simply not true. There was nothing wrong with my marriage other than my exH not getting what he needed from himself. He had no self confidence, he did not like himself, and he did not respect himself as a person. He's told me numerous times that he didn't cheat because of anything to do with me. When someone cheat's it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. YOU make your own choices, someone doesn't make them for you. Even if I was a psycho, neurotic bitchy lunatic... (which I wasn't) it gives him no excuse for cheating. If you aren't happy get out of the relationship or go to counseling to work on yourself and your problems. Cheating is just the cowards way of getting out of looking deep within yourself. I'm 34 and I've never cheated on anyone and I never will. Because I not only respect myself but know that I am responsible for my own choices. BTW he not only cheated on me but cheated on the girl that he cheated on me with ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 That's simply not true. There was nothing wrong with my marriage other than my exH not getting what he needed from himself. He had no self confidence, he did not like himself, and he did not respect himself as a person. He's told me numerous times that he didn't cheat because of anything to do with me. When someone cheat's it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. YOU make your own choices, someone doesn't make them for you. Even if I was a psycho, neurotic bitchy lunatic... (which I wasn't) it gives him no excuse for cheating. If you aren't happy get out of the relationship or go to counseling to work on yourself and your problems. Cheating is just the cowards way of getting out of looking deep within yourself. I'm 34 and I've never cheated on anyone and I never will. Because I not only respect myself but know that I am responsible for my own choices. BTW he not only cheated on me but cheated on the girl that he cheated on me with ...... This is 100% true. You can give them the sun, moon, stars and a few comets and they will not cheat. That is just how they are. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 its always planned...everything a woman does is planned. A woman knows if she is going to have sex that night before she even goes out for the night. I never plan sex. Lately my H plans it for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Or maybe a better solution would be to kick her to the curb and move on with your life. (In my best NYC accent) "Are you talking to me?" I divorced her three years ago. Just the same woggle, excuse me for trying to salvage a 17-year marriage and my family. It takes no brains, soul or less courage to swing the hammer 'till it stops breathing. That isn't realistic, but it is typical (puffed up) LS posturing. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 (In my best NYC accent) "Are you talking to me?" I divorced her three years ago. Just the same woggle, excuse me for trying to salvage a 17-year marriage and my family. It takes no brains, soul or less courage to swing the hammer 'till it stops breathing. That isn't realistic, but it is typical (puffed up) LS posturing. It is not posturing on my part. If I ever catch her cheating I am throwing all her stuff on the street and having her served. It is not an empty threat either because when I kicked my first wife out I had the locks changed that week. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Fog Light has it right, unfortunately most people are unaware of how their bodies work. Our bodies react to a multiple of stimuli. Some of them produce anger and fear. And in my case panic attacks. Over the years I have pretty much learned how to control most of them, but even then sometimes my defences fail and I have to go to extreme measures, such as medicine. For the most part we look for good things in life. The simple act of laughing produces good chemicals for the brain. We see the Three Stooges and our brain gets ready to get a dose of the good stuff. How often do we hear the term affair down?. Meaning that the cheating spouse choses a partner that would in all ways seem to be lesser than what they had. The OW is not attractive, is over weight, skinny, misssing teeth, etc. The OM is uneducated, can't hold a job,and is still living with his parents, unattractive, heavily tattoed, over weight, see above. The way I see it, sometimes the cheating spouse is caught off guard as they did not see this person as being a threat. Had they seen this person as being attractive they might have put up a defence and the OM or OW would never have had a chance. But being as they did not see this person as being attractive, they let their guard down, and the rest is history. Link to post Share on other sites
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