Patterns of Women Cheating

[2.50 a gallon]

First both sides cheat. I was a factory worker, right in the middle of the industrial area some wise man opened a pole bar. I was surprised at the number, easily half of the men I worked with who went there daily. And yes they were paying for tricks on the side.

 

I never went, saw no need, as I was a bad boy player, and had plenty of action at home. And most of them had other boy friends.

 

My secret, I bought Boones Farm by the carton, and always had a couple of bottles of cheap champagne cooling in the fridge. Also on occassion was known to share some grass.

 

What part of my superior genes can be explained by the often heard "Pot always makes me so horney"

[donnamaybe]

I'm not ready to forgive the people here who told me that the cheating was my fault. I came here really hurt, and I was really honest. I have no interest in really trusting these people anymore.

Well, that was a ridiculous thing for them to say. I wonder whose fault it would be if THEIR spouse or SO cheated on THEM.

[donnamaybe]

When I first opened up and mentioned that I had recently caught my xGF cheating was in a thread in the dating section. I admitted that I had loaned her a bunch of money for things I thought she needed. I later found out she spent some of that money to take her OM on a vacation with her.

 

I was told it was my fault for being stupid! That I should not have trusted someone I thought I loved... ect. Also the same comment you post above about bitterness.

 

Only 1 poster was nice. D-Lish.

I recall you saying you spent thousands on a boob job for your GF. Was that the "things you thought she needed" that you speak of above? And, yes. You should NOT have bought a GF a $5,000 boob job. That was not your brightest moment. However, I NEVER said anything was your fault.

 

You have a very difficult time discerning meanings in verbage. Actually, it seems you prefer to ascribe meanings to things that are said or done based on your preconceived biases.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well, that was a ridiculous thing for them to say. I wonder whose fault it would be if THEIR spouse or SO cheated on THEM.

 

Thanks.

 

I recall you saying you spent thousands on a boob job for your GF. Was that the "things you thought she needed" that you speak of above? And, yes. You should NOT have bought a GF a $5,000 boob job. That was not your brightest moment. However, I NEVER said anything was your fault.

You have a very difficult time discerning meanings in verbage. Actually, it seems you prefer to ascribe meanings to things that are said or done based on your preconceived biases.You say this based on what?

 

I know you never said it was my fault. I remember very distinctly who made those statements to me. I don't really blame you for anything besides sometimes being hard to argue with.

 

The boob job was something she talked about from before we even started dating. Had I known she planned to cheat on me I would never have paid for it. Personally I was very resistant to the idea and wanted to spend the money on a vacation. I hate fake boobs.... which is why I spent so much bloody money getting the best surgeon.

[Distant78]

Thanks.

 

 

 

I know you never said it was my fault. I remember very distinctly who made those statements to me. I don't really blame you for anything besides sometimes being hard to argue with.

 

The boob job was something she talked about from before we even started dating. Had I known she planned to cheat on me I would never have paid for it. Personally I was very resistant to the idea and wanted to spend the money on a vacation. I hate fake boobs.... which is why I spent so much bloody money getting the best surgeon.

 

Well now you know any woman you mess with wants fake big wet nipples you know they'll cheat. Just kiddin.

[Fog Light]

I am a 27 year old woman, soon to be divorced. I would never cheat. I would get out of a relationship before I would cheat. I would kill myself if to avoid cheating if I had to. I would NEVER put that kind of pain on someone else..

 

I'm sorry, I really mean no disrespect...

 

My wife said that to me verbatum prior to her affair.

 

Word for word.

 

before you presume to assault her character in your head... She was a catholic school girl, few few sexual partners, and the picture of what anyone would consider "good girl"... elementary school teacher, Baby at home, When other people found out the prevailing comment was "No chance, that's not possible. Not ****, She could never do that."

 

Don't ever say NEVER. You COULD, and you WOULD given the wrong set of circumstances and the right situation.

 

That's the key to NOT doing it. Understanding, infedelity much like crack cocaine or any other hard core life changing drug is a very powerful thing, much more powerful than you. It can own you, Respect that it could. it has that kind of power.

[Distant78]

I'm sorry, I really mean no disrespect...

 

My wife said that to me verbatum prior to her affair.

 

Word for word.

 

before you presume to assault her character in your head... She was a catholic school girl, few few sexual partners, and the picture of what anyone would consider "good girl"... elementary school teacher, Baby at home, When other people found out the prevailing comment was "No chance, that's not possible. Not ****, She could never do that."

 

Don't ever say NEVER. You COULD, and you WOULD given the wrong set of circumstances and the right situation.

 

That's the key to NOT doing it. Understanding, infedelity much like crack cocaine or any other hard core life changing drug is a very powerful thing, much more powerful than you. It can own you, Respect that it could. it has that kind of power.

 

Nope sorry. I don't believe in that magical mind-controlling power bs. Everyone has a choice to make using their own head. No outside force can make people do things they don't want to do. Not to be mean but your wife decided to cheat because she wanted to, not because of the circumstance.

[NoIDidn't]

Nope sorry. I don't believe in that magical mind-controlling power bs. Everyone has a choice to make using their own head. No outside force can make people do things they don't want to do. Not to be mean but your wife decided to cheat because she wanted to, not because of the circumstance.

 

Believe it or not, but infidelity IS a matter of BOTH opportunity AND desire.

 

Simply wanting to cheat or thinking about cheating is bad but it isn't cheating.

 

Circumstances can be powerful enough to override a person's usual decision making abilities. Not an excuse, but certainly sheds more light on those "I don't know what I was thinking" moments.

[Distant78]

Circumstances can be powerful enough to override a person's usual decision making abilities. Not an excuse' date=' but certainly sheds more light on those "I don't know what I was thinking" moments.[/quote']

 

No, that's not true. Circumstances cannot be powerful enough to override a person's decision making abilities. There is absolutely no excuse for someone deciding to cheat, nor is it about opportunity and desire. It's about selfishness and greed. Take down the glamour of infidelity and that's what you see when you pull back the rug: Dirt and betrayal. Cheaters betray their SOs/spouses because they want to. No one made them pull down their pants for someone else.

[fltc]

Distant 78 is correct, in almost every instance cheating did NOT "just happen" it was planned in advance. Maybe not as in "I'll going to have an affair" but as in "I'll just flirt a little and see where it goes and if it leads to sex that's OK."

[Distant78]

Distant 78 is correct, in almost every instance cheating did NOT "just happen" it was planned in advance. Maybe not as in "I'll going to have an affair" but as in "I'll just flirt a little and see where it goes and if it leads to sex that's OK."

 

Damn right. And they're already crossing the line by flirting with the other person. That's why there's NO EXCUSES for affairs. NONE.

[NoIDidn't]

No, that's not true. Circumstances cannot be powerful enough to override a person's decision making abilities. There is absolutely no excuse for someone deciding to cheat, nor is it about opportunity and desire. It's about selfishness and greed. Take down the glamour of infidelity and that's what you see when you pull back the rug: Dirt and betrayal. Cheaters betray their SOs/spouses because they want to. No one made them pull down their pants for someone else.

 

Selfishness and greed are just different ways of saying "desire".

[NoIDidn't]

Distant 78 is correct, in almost every instance cheating did NOT "just happen" it was planned in advance. Maybe not as in "I'll going to have an affair" but as in "I'll just flirt a little and see where it goes and if it leads to sex that's OK."

 

I think its more like "Its just a little flirting, nothing will come of it" and then it becomes "I can control this. I'm not going to really do anything" To finally "My spouse won't find out if..."

 

I don't think it starts off planned in most cases. Its definitely flirting with disaster though.

[Steadfast]

One of the strongest points Langley makes in her book addresses this very subject. Her research showed the women who previously felt they would 'never, ever' were the ones that had the hardest time dealing with it.

 

Which btw, was the majority of them.

 

On top of the damage was piled the guilt of turning into something they hate, all the while being constantly tormented and pulled by loving the feelings of excitement the affair provided. (**Edit** I forgot to add that these feelings of frustration were almost always re-directed or explained-away at the husband's expense. It was his fault. If he would have done this, or if he would have said that, it would be different. This of course, caused even more damage and made a bad situation worse. Often ending with the betrayed/battered husband filing for divorce and devastating the wayward wife.) This was my ex-wife too; former good girl...the one who chastised an older sister for doing the same exact thing. Because of the turmoil, her kids stayed with us for six-months while my ex sat in utter amazement at the damage caused by her sister's actions. How much confidence did that provide me at the time, being absolutely sure, without a shadow of a doubt that my wife would never do that to me/us?

 

But she did. And that same sister (now happily re-married) has become a place of refuge for my ex. What's the old saying? Never say never?

 

Look, there are far more women who didn't, won't and never will. I believe that. Just the same, Langley maintains it's better to be aware and admit what we are capable of (as humans who face and often fall into temptation) and choose not to, then sit on our high-horse with our 'never-ever' attitude. I think it's a very mature, grounded way of thinking. More realistic and loving than denial and not at all mental mumbo-jumbo.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Steadfast

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry, I really mean no disrespect...

 

My wife said that to me verbatum prior to her affair.

 

Word for word.

 

before you presume to assault her character in your head... She was a catholic school girl, few few sexual partners, and the picture of what anyone would consider "good girl"... elementary school teacher, Baby at home, When other people found out the prevailing comment was "No chance, that's not possible. Not ****, She could never do that."

 

Don't ever say NEVER. You COULD, and you WOULD given the wrong set of circumstances and the right situation.

 

That's the key to NOT doing it. Understanding, infedelity much like crack cocaine or any other hard core life changing drug is a very powerful thing, much more powerful than you. It can own you, Respect that it could. it has that kind of power.

 

 

I disagree with this. There are things in each person's life that they know without a doubt and no matter the circumstances they wouldn't do. I would never molest a child...EVER. There could never be a circumstance or situation that would allow me to lower myself in that manner.

 

But I would hurt some physically if I cross the line. I would do that without a second thought and probably have very little regret. This is who I am. I have a very short fuse. I have taken classes and done counseling to give me better coping skills so that the probability of that happening has greatly decreased...but I could.

 

I am a believer in the Word of God, though like everyone else I fail. There are just some things that I know I won't do. Cheating is one of them. That was before it happened to me. I saw it growing up. I saw the devastation, I saw the other children being brought into the dynamics of an established family and that was something I did not want for myself. I grew up with an alcoholic. I lived with the rages, lost monies, fights, black outs, lost jobs, missing items at home...the whole nine. I knew in my heart that I would never do that to my children. I made it my business to not become dependent on alcohol or any other drug to get me through the day. When I found myself with some of the same tendencies I joined a support group. These aspects of my life are why I say NEVER. The consequences are too far reaching...generational in some cases. I won't those negatives to end with me and not get handed down to my children(though Mr. Messy had no problem with keeping his family dynamic going)

 

While I do not know your wife's family dynamics or what she was thinking. I can only speak for me and say what I won't do. I have made a choice in the way I wish to live. I won't put myself in a situation that would lead to anything that would disrespect my family or myself. I know temptation is there everyday. It was there when I was married. There is no shortage of men who want to sleep with married women (or women who want to sleep with married men). My prayer is that I always recognize the trap and run the other way like my panties are made of gasoline and he is holding the match.

[Fog Light]

Nope sorry. I don't believe in that magical mind-controlling power bs. Everyone has a choice to make using their own head. No outside force can make people do things they don't want to do. Not to be mean but your wife decided to cheat because she wanted to, not because of the circumstance.

 

I don't take your response as mean, I appreciate the response.

 

I disagree with you though.

 

I don’t think the majority of people involved in affairs, or even drugs for that matter set out with the intention of becoming drug addicts or adulterers. It is a snow ball effect. Most people don’t even know it’s rolling until its already gained significant speed and can very easily get out of control.

 

The DS doesn’t always realize what is happening or they see it through “the fog”. A bad (often dismissed as “innocent”) decision starts the ball rolling, which forces another bad decision, which may be difficult to cope with, which is rationalized, which kicks in all of the defense mechanisms, which force more bad decisions…. Etc, etc, etc…

 

You are not as strong as your mind, and in affair situations your mind IS ON DRUGS. It most often starts as something “innocent” and somewhere along the line it starts… Chemicals naturally released into the brain.. when fed small doses of "love drigs" i.e. phenylethylamine (or "PEA" -- a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. PEA is a natural amphetamine, which leases Dopamine. Dopamine stimulates the production of oxytocin). This begins "intrusive thinking," where it seems like your brain is fixated on the object of your affection. When your heart rules your head, there's actually one part of your brain running the other: the cortex is the area of your brain that controls logical thinking, while emotions are processed by the limbic system. When too many happy chemicals like PEA and dopamine flood your brain, they head straight for the limbic system.

 

The DS is now on the addiction path. Then your mind can begin a process of defensive mechanisms which can and will shield you from realizing what is really happening, and before you know it you lose control. But most often I believe the DS thinks they are in control of the situation as does any “addict”. They don’t see it; after all that IS a defense mechanism. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself, an unconscious process that tries to reduce the anxiety associated with instinctive desires. The most well known and common in an adulterer would be Rationalization, Denial, and Repression. Read any story here or anywhere else about “the fog” or a DS’s behavior the characteristic signs of these defense mechanisms are present.

 

Denial is probably one of the best known defense mechanisms, used often to describe situations in which people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth (i.e. "more than friends”) Denial is an outright refusal to admit or recognize that something has occurred or is currently occurring.

 

Denial functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with (guilt?). While this may save us from anxiety or pain, denial also requires a substantial investment of energy. Because of this, other defenses are also used to keep these unacceptable feelings from consciousness.

 

Rationalization is a defense mechanism that involves explaining an unacceptable behavior or feeling in a rational or logical manner, avoiding the true reasons for the behavior. Rationalization not only prevents anxiety, it may also protect self-esteem and self-concept. Rationalization also kicks in when confronted by perceived moral failure or wrongdoing (i.e.; DDay); people tend to blame other people or outside forces.

 

Repression is another well-known defense mechanism. Repression acts to keep information out of conscious awareness. (i.e. selective memory regarding conversations or acts with the OM/OW) Sometimes we do this consciously by forcing the unwanted information out of our awareness, which is known as suppression, but it is usually believed to occur unconsciously.

 

Sublimation, Displacement, Projection and Intellectualization are other defense mechanisms which play small parts in the process of mental self protection in affair or addiction situations…

 

You were right when you said the “outside forces” don’t get people into these situations. “inside forces” do… I’m just saying this is a powerful thing.

 

In the end, A person is responsible their actions and the decisions they made to get to that point. I only mentioned what I did to point out that your brain + affairs (oxyticon, dopamine, etc) love drugs) are dangerous, situations. It could happen to anyone, don’t kid yourself.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Fog Light
puncuation

[UnsureinSeattle]

Just want to say that was a fantastic post, Fog Light.

[Distant78]

Selfishness and greed are just different ways of saying "desire".

 

No it's not.

[Distant78]

I don't take your response as mean, I appreciate the response.

 

I disagree with you though.

 

I don’t think the majority of people involved in affairs, or even drugs for that matter set out with the intention of becoming drug addicts or adulterers. It is a snow ball effect. Most people don’t even know it’s rolling until its already gained significant speed and can very easily get out of control.

 

The DS doesn’t always realize what is happening or they see it through “the fog”. A bad (often dismissed as “innocent”) decision starts the ball rolling, which forces another bad decision, which may be difficult to cope with, which is rationalized, which kicks in all of the defense mechanisms, which force more bad decisions…. Etc, etc, etc…

 

You are not as strong as your mind, and in affair situations your mind IS ON DRUGS. It most often starts as something “innocent” and somewhere along the line it starts… Chemicals naturally released into the brain.. when fed small doses of "love drigs" i.e. phenylethylamine (or "PEA" -- a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. PEA is a natural amphetamine, which leases Dopamine. Dopamine stimulates the production of oxytocin). This begins "intrusive thinking," where it seems like your brain is fixated on the object of your affection. When your heart rules your head, there's actually one part of your brain running the other: the cortex is the area of your brain that controls logical thinking, while emotions are processed by the limbic system. When too many happy chemicals like PEA and dopamine flood your brain, they head straight for the limbic system.

 

The DS is now on the addiction path. Then your mind can begin a process of defensive mechanisms which can and will shield you from realizing what is really happening, and before you know it you lose control. But most often I believe the DS thinks they are in control of the situation as does any “addict”. They don’t see it; after all that IS a defense mechanism. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself, an unconscious process that tries to reduce the anxiety associated with instinctive desires. The most well known and common in an adulterer would be Rationalization, Denial, and Repression. Read any story here or anywhere else about “the fog” or a DS’s behavior the characteristic signs of these defense mechanisms are present.

 

Denial is probably one of the best known defense mechanisms, used often to describe situations in which people seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth (i.e. "more than friends”) Denial is an outright refusal to admit or recognize that something has occurred or is currently occurring.

 

Denial functions to protect the ego from things that the individual cannot cope with (guilt?). While this may save us from anxiety or pain, denial also requires a substantial investment of energy. Because of this, other defenses are also used to keep these unacceptable feelings from consciousness.

 

Rationalization is a defense mechanism that involves explaining an unacceptable behavior or feeling in a rational or logical manner, avoiding the true reasons for the behavior. Rationalization not only prevents anxiety, it may also protect self-esteem and self-concept. Rationalization also kicks in when confronted by perceived moral failure or wrongdoing (i.e.; DDay); people tend to blame other people or outside forces.

 

Repression is another well-known defense mechanism. Repression acts to keep information out of conscious awareness. (i.e. selective memory regarding conversations or acts with the OM/OW) Sometimes we do this consciously by forcing the unwanted information out of our awareness, which is known as suppression, but it is usually believed to occur unconsciously.

 

Sublimation, Displacement, Projection and Intellectualization are other defense mechanisms which play small parts in the process of mental self protection in affair or addiction situations…

 

You were right when you said the “outside forces” don’t get people into these situations. “inside forces” do… I’m just saying this is a powerful thing.

 

In the end, A person is responsible their actions and the decisions they made to get to that point. I only mentioned what I did to point out that your brain + affairs (oxyticon, dopamine, etc) love drugs) are dangerous, situations. It could happen to anyone, don’t kid yourself.

 

Sorry but I know for certain I will never cheat in my life, and no one or any other outside force made someone to become a selfish monster. We'll just continue to disagree with each other because everyone is responsible for their actions. All I see here is you rationalizing what your wife did, no offense. In the end cheaters made the choice to hurt those around them, not a third party or some "natural scent that took over their mind."

[confusedinkansas]

The 'nastiness of women'? That is your judgement not mine.

 

There just needs to be more awareness on this topic. Mainstream media rarely portrays female cheating accurately. I was very naive to the issue until I became older.

 

Are you trying to say that cheating only counts if your married?

 

Who the heck do you think (most) women are cheating WITH?

MEN.......

 

Cheating is NOT gender specific. Men do it just as much as women do.

Men's stats are skewed because many LIE....Women's stats are skewed because many LIE.

 

& I read your initial post as a slam to women only. kinda not fair - I say.

[Bittersweetie]

Maybe this is just me, but it seems that the people who are so sure that they will never cheat are the ones whose lives have been touched by cheating. Therefore they've seen the consequences, and so they know they will never walk down that path, and that makes complete sense to me. I think Fog Light's post also makes sense, for people who may not have ever experienced cheating in their lives, so they don't know how it is on the other side of the tunnel. They become addicted to the highs and the snowball effect, etc. I know some people say "never say never" however cheating is a choice that is under your control, even with all the addiction-like qualities. Just my thoughts.

[Fog Light]

Sorry but I know for certain I will never cheat in my life, and no one or any other outside force made someone to become a selfish monster. We'll just continue to disagree with each other because everyone is responsible for their actions. All I see here is you rationalizing what your wife did, no offense. In the end cheaters made the choice to hurt those around them, not a third party or some "natural scent that took over their mind."

 

Dude, your angry. I get it. So am I. I'm angry and hurt, my soul is shattered.

 

I'm not excusing anything and Im not rationalizing anything she did. All I want is to heal, I want other people that have been through what I'm going through to stop hurting too.

 

Understanding what happens, and some of the contributing factors for why helps me understand/heal. It does not help me forgive.

 

I don't give a flying sh*t what drugs she had spitting through her head... She made DECISIONS along the way which got this snowball rolling. Selfish, disgusting, horrible decisions that have destroyed her husband and her child and likely ruined a family. If she desn't take 100% responsibilty for her actions, I'm done. Truth is, I'm probably done anyway.

 

I sought to understand for my own good. Not hers, and it wont have anything to do with forgiving her. I won't even tell her that I know these things, she's not getting that crutch to use. h*ll no! She makes up enough of them in her own mind as is it.

 

But, I will promise you because of what I know now.. I will respect what could happen, and I keep any potential OW at a very safe distance from me.

 

Like I said in my original post, I think thats the key to never letting it happen. understanding & respecting what it could do and staying the hell away from it.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Fog Light

[Fog Light]

Something else I should have mentioned in my post explaining some of the chemical and mental symptoms of addiction/affairs..

 

As I mentioned in the last post, I don't explain any of this because of justification for my wifes actions...

 

As I mentioned, I have educated myself on some of these things and shared this information with some of you because it helps me heal. More importantly, It helps me to cope with this situation.

 

As with many people who come here seeking answers and advice on how to cope, Ideally I would love to make it through this. Not around it, through it. I would love to make it through this with a stronger marriage, and my child's family intact. Can that happen? I don't know. I just don't want to contribute to the reason it couldn't.

 

By understanding exactly what is happening it helps to deal with the war I'm fighting.

 

Knowing what I know, takes the sting out of some of it. It helps to understand and better fight the emotions that get in the way of my goals. Because of all of my anger and hurt, it's difficult to say and do what is needed to deal with this situation and effect the end goal.

 

The end goal is and always has been to give my family the best chance I can give them to heal from this. If recovering my marriage is possible, I don't want my own insecurities, hurt and defensiveness to be what stands in the way of that. Yes, her actions are the reason I have these emotions and this hurt. That is her fault. But it is my choice to allow those things to effect my actions moving forward. It would be easy to just blame her for making me feel this way and make her responsible for what happens as a result. But, does that help me?

 

Anyway, it has helped me to understand these things. If I understand them, I can try to control my reactions. If I can control my actions, I have a much better chance of success.

[NoIDidn't]

Something else I should have mentioned in my post explaining some of the chemical and mental symptoms of addiction/affairs..

 

As I mentioned in the last post, I don't explain any of this because of justification for my wifes actions...

 

As I mentioned, I have educated myself on some of these things and shared this information with some of you because it helps me heal. More importantly, It helps me to cope with this situation.

 

As with many people who come here seeking answers and advice on how to cope, Ideally I would love to make it through this. Not around it, through it. I would love to make it through this with a stronger marriage, and my child's family intact. Can that happen? I don't know. I just don't want to contribute to the reason it couldn't.

 

By understanding exactly what is happening it helps to deal with the war I'm fighting.

 

Knowing what I know, takes the sting out of some of it. It helps to understand and better fight the emotions that get in the way of my goals. Because of all of my anger and hurt, it's difficult to say and do what is needed to deal with this situation and effect the end goal.

 

The end goal is and always has been to give my family the best chance I can give them to heal from this. If recovering my marriage is possible, I don't want my own insecurities, hurt and defensiveness to be what stands in the way of that. Yes, her actions are the reason I have these emotions and this hurt. That is her fault. But it is my choice to allow those things to effect my actions moving forward. It would be easy to just blame her for making me feel this way and make her responsible for what happens as a result. But, does that help me?

 

Anyway, it has helped me to understand these things. If I understand them, I can try to control my reactions. If I can control my actions, I have a much better chance of success.

 

Great post!

 

The bolded is the way I feel as well. The knowledge I gained here and in other places helped me to understand it, and that understanding took the sting away. Made it less personal.

 

But it also showed me my own vulnerability to the same.

[Snowflower]

Something else I should have mentioned in my post explaining some of the chemical and mental symptoms of addiction/affairs..

 

As I mentioned in the last post, I don't explain any of this because of justification for my wifes actions...

 

As I mentioned, I have educated myself on some of these things and shared this information with some of you because it helps me heal. More importantly, It helps me to cope with this situation.

 

As with many people who come here seeking answers and advice on how to cope, Ideally I would love to make it through this. Not around it, through it. I would love to make it through this with a stronger marriage, and my child's family intact. Can that happen? I don't know. I just don't want to contribute to the reason it couldn't.

 

By understanding exactly what is happening it helps to deal with the war I'm fighting.

 

Knowing what I know, takes the sting out of some of it. It helps to understand and better fight the emotions that get in the way of my goals. Because of all of my anger and hurt, it's difficult to say and do what is needed to deal with this situation and effect the end goal.

 

The end goal is and always has been to give my family the best chance I can give them to heal from this. If recovering my marriage is possible, I don't want my own insecurities, hurt and defensiveness to be what stands in the way of that. Yes, her actions are the reason I have these emotions and this hurt. That is her fault. But it is my choice to allow those things to effect my actions moving forward. It would be easy to just blame her for making me feel this way and make her responsible for what happens as a result. But, does that help me?

 

Anyway, it has helped me to understand these things. If I understand them, I can try to control my reactions. If I can control my actions, I have a much better chance of success.

 

I haven't read all your posts Fog Light, but I do completely get what you are saying here.

 

Like you, I had to understand to the best of my ability why my H did what he did. Now I realize some people don't need to have an "understanding" of why their spouse cheated on them. To them, it was enough that it happened and any explanation will sound like an excuse to these people. You will encounter them IRL and here on LS.

 

There is nothing wrong with this...on many levels I understand it..."the he/she cheated--that was all I needed to know" mindset.

 

For me, I needed to make sense of what happened, regardless of whether or not my husband saved our marriage. It was crucial for me--but then again I am always asking "why" about things in life. It helps me to see the bigger picture--I did this today at work when I helped someone with a task outside of my job scope--I still asked why this procedure was done! I just like to know. But I digress...

 

Back to understanding the causes of cheating...in my case, my need to understand has served me well. At 2+ years past d-day, I am rapidly becoming more objective about what happened in my marriage, because I can understand infidelity from an objective point of view and this understanding has helped me look at the realities without emotions clouding my perspective.

 

Hope that makes sense and hopefully in your quest for "understanding" you will become objective about what has happened to you at some point in the future.