Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 You won't like this, but this reminds me of what Star Gazer said to you about self-indulgence. Particularly because I'm interested to hear what your reactions are to the responses in this thread that what you're experiencing right now with this guy is not a concern, but I see you have yet to respond to any of it.... Logically, I know that this is all a normal part of dating. Logically, I know that my perceptions/reactions are not exactly normal. Emotionally, I am not sure how to stop myself from feeling what I feel. The only way to do it is to remove myself from the situation (and dating in general). If this guy is interested or not is not even an issue anymore. It's why are my reactions to this so out of control?
Cracker Jack Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 SaC, if you don't mind, could you answer this question? What should any guy in general do in order to comfort you and express that he really does have interest in you without you searching for a negative outcome?
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Are you diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? Nah, I am not diagnosed with anything. It's just from reading about various personality disorders, BPD fits me the best. But there are still some traits that I don't have so I am not sure.
shadowplay Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Are you diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? I don't believe she is, but I recognize a lot of BPD traits in both of us. My mother is a psychologist and she's always thought I had a mild case of the disorder. Been trying to work on it the last few months with Dialectical Behavior Therapy handbook.
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 SaC, if you don't mind, could you answer this question? What should any guy in general do in order to comfort you and express that he really does have interest in you without you searching for a negative outcome? I'm not sure there is anything the guy could do to truly comfort SaC in her dating situation...
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 SaC, if you don't mind, could you answer this question? What should any guy in general do in order to comfort you and express that he really does have interest in you without you searching for a negative outcome? Everyday contact in some form (even a text will do) would be enough. This guy has tendency to go days without contact which only makes my anxiety worse.
shadowplay Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 If this guy is interested or not is not even an issue anymore. It's why are my reactions to this so out of control? I feel like it fills some void for both of us. I really think the individual guys are sort of irrelevant. I can easily switch from one guy to another in terms of obsessing. Note how quickly I got completely over my ex.
shadowplay Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm not sure there is anything the guy could do to truly comfort SaC in her dating situation... I don't know. I can only speak for myself, but when a guy is very attentive and persistent from the get go, I don't tend to be anxious. This is the way it was with my ex. It's the more restrained, hot and cold guys who drive me nuts.
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I feel like it fills some void for both of us. I really think the individual guys are sort of irrelevant. I can easily switch from one guy to another in terms of obsessing. Note how quickly I got completely over my ex. So how do you think a guy would respond knowing that his sole purpose was to fill a void in your head...?
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I feel like it fills some void for both of us. I really think the individual guys are sort of irrelevant. I can easily switch from one guy to another in terms of obsessing. Note how quickly I got completely over my ex. Yes me too. I have switched from the politician to this guy in few weeks. I have also switched from undying love for my ex to obsessing over my boss in few weeks. I can see myself easily switching to another guy soon. Also, as soon as I switch, the other guy doesn't seem to matter anymore. Almost at all.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I don't know. I can only speak for myself, but when a guy is very attentive and persistent from the get go, I don't tend to be anxious. This is the way it was with my ex. It's the more restrained, hot and cold guys who drive me nuts. The thing is, in most cases super high interest and constant contact form the start is not healthy and things crash and burn (like they did with your ex). People tell me that it is much more healthy to go slow. But going slow is driving me crazy.
shadowplay Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 So how do you think a guy would respond knowing that his sole purpose was to fill a void in your head...? Well, more like a void in my heart. I suppose that's not the kind of void he'd want to fill.
welikeincrowds Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Emotionally, I am not sure how to stop myself from feeling what I feel. The only way to do it is to remove myself from the situation (and dating in general). You can't stop your feelings, and removing yourself is running away from them. These are both courses of action that are not solutions, in the sense that they will never move you forward. I feel compelled to remind you that I'm not a mental health professional, so keep it in mind. Have you ever told yourself that it's OK that you're anxious? That it's just a normal part of the emotional experience for you? And that your fears are irrational, and so acting on them will prevent you from getting what you really want? You've already identified the irrational fear here. I'm sure it's not a pleasant feeling, and it would be better if you didn't have to feel it, but everyone goes through periods of uncertainty in dating (although perhaps not to the degree that you experience). Regardless, you have to let yourself feel those things. It's only a concern when you start making decisions based on those feelings, rather than identifying that they're not reality.
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I don't know. I can only speak for myself, but when a guy is very attentive and persistent from the get go, I don't tend to be anxious. This is the way it was with my ex. It's the more restrained, hot and cold guys who drive me nuts. And this probably comes from your experiences with "modern dating" where men feel like they have to be "challenges" to women because modern women get "bored" easily by guys who don't put out the bullsh*t dating behaviors... It's hard to win at dating, huh...
Eclypse Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 If you can switch so easily and completely, then maybe dating isn't the best for you. How do you know you aren't going to lose interest overnight when you finally do get a boyfriend (officially)?
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I suppose that's not the kind of void he'd want to fill. Well done.
kdark Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Yes me too. I have switched from the politician to this guy in few weeks. I have also switched from undying love for my ex to obsessing over my boss in few weeks. I can see myself easily switching to another guy soon. Also, as soon as I switch, the other guy doesn't seem to matter anymore. Almost at all. Sounds like you don't think you can be complete without a man to complete you.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Well, more like a void in my heart. I suppose that's not the kind of void he'd want to fill. good stuff shadow. I lol-d at this.
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 The thing is, in most cases super high interest and constant contact form the start is not healthy and things crash and burn (like they did with your ex). People tell me that it is much more healthy to go slow. But going slow is driving me crazy. This was pretty much how I was going to respond to you, Shadow...if a guy goes too fast, he scares off the girl; but if he goes too slow, he drives a girl crazy and makes her want to find someone new...
sweetjasmine Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Well, more like a void in my heart. I suppose that's not the kind of void he'd want to fill. And it's not just a question of wanting to fill a void. No one can. You have to figure out how to fix it because there isn't a single person on planet earth who can do that for you, and it's unfair to place such a burden on someone by expecting them to fill an emotional void in your life and become the center of your universe.
shadowplay Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 This was pretty much how I was going to respond to you, Shadow...if a guy goes too fast, he scares off the girl; but if he goes too slow, he drives a girl crazy and makes her want to find someone new... A guy going a bit fast has actually never scared me away. I mean it's made me a bit nervous that things won't work out, but I've always stuck around if I like the guy. I hope this is closer to your approach with you know who, Hokie.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 A guy going a bit fast has actually never scared me away. I mean it's made me a bit nervous that things won't work out, but I've always stuck around if I like the guy. I hope this is closer to your approach with you know who, Hokie. I hope so too
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 A guy going a bit fast has actually never scared me away. I mean it's made me a bit nervous that things won't work out, but I've always stuck around if I like the guy. I hope this is closer to your approach with you know who, Hokie. I hope so too Awww, you guys...
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Shadow, I am curious. Did you have any longer periods of your life when you were not obsessing over some guy? (this could be someone you are dating or want to date). I pretty much had none, since I was about 14. I seem to seek out new guy to obsess over after it's crystal clear that the current guy is not interested.
CLC2008 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 All you are both doing, is transferring whatever it is from childhood, onto these guys through your obsessive behavior. Everyone has their own coping mechanism, this, is yours...Some, more excessive then others. And will continue to be, until you both address, whatever it is underneath that manifests itself through your behavior. You both need to learn how to reprogram your thinking patterns, and, this cannot be achieved on LS.... Choice is yours.
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