I'm having a lot of difficulty managing my anxiety

[shadowplay]

OK, I'm trying to stop myself from getting antsy again.

 

Here's a glimpse into the dark inner workings of my mind.

 

He responded almost two hours later with:

 

"Okay -- I'm not free tomorrow night either, but maybe Wednesday? That's my best guess right now."

 

My original message was:

 

"Hey, so what nights work for you? I'm not free tomorrow night, but the rest of my week is pretty good."

 

I think the reason he said his best guess is because he had told me earlier, in the same message where he suggested the fair and some other vaguely defined activity this week, his schedule was totally up in the air for the next few days (he's a workaholic).

 

But that aside, he sounds so not interested.

 

I reread the invite he sent me yesterday and even that sounds lame:

 

Hey, so ------ want to hit up ------ tonight, like 11 or so. I've got to get up pretty early tomorrow so it'll probably just be a beer or two for me, but would you like to join us?

 

I bet he just invited me to be polite, and perhaps they even suggested it.

 

I'm worried this will be a repeat of OKC guy, where I go on a "date" I feel that I forced him into, that he only agrees to out of some mixture of guilt, boredom and the vague promise of sex.

 

Wednesday night is free for me, but is it even worth responding or should I wait and see if he sends me a response that has more effort?

[callingyouuu]

I think that not responding will either make him think that you're not sure if you're free on Wednesday or that you don't really care, both of which would cause him not to respond anytime soon. Given his unclear schedule, I actually have very little clue what else you're expecting of him that would qualify as more effort. Everything you've said regarding his supposed low interest level just sounds like speculation.

 

Just tell him that Wednesday will work for you and to let you know when he finds out. Then go do a puzzle or something.

[dispatch3d]

OK, I'm trying to stop myself from getting antsy again.

 

Here's a glimpse into the dark inner workings of my mind.

 

He responded almost two hours later with:

 

"Okay -- I'm not free tomorrow night either, but maybe Wednesday? That's my best guess right now."

 

My original message was:

 

"Hey, so what nights work for you? I'm not free tomorrow night, but the rest of my week is pretty good."

 

I think the reason he said his best guess is because he had told me earlier, in the same message where he suggested the fair and some other vaguely defined activity this week, his schedule was totally up in the air for the next few days (he's a workaholic).

 

But that aside, he sounds so not interested.

 

I reread the invite he sent me yesterday and even that sounds lame:

 

Hey, so ------ want to hit up ------ tonight, like 11 or so. I've got to get up pretty early tomorrow so it'll probably just be a beer or two for me, but would you like to join us?

 

I bet he just invited me to be polite, and perhaps they even suggested it.

 

I'm worried this will be a repeat of OKC guy, where I go on a "date" I feel that I forced him into, that he only agrees to out of some mixture of guilt, boredom and the vague promise of sex.

 

Wednesday night is free for me, but is it even worth responding or should I wait and see if he sends me a response that has more effort?

 

blablabla i stopped at "I reread" some bull**** thing he wrote.

 

Stop ****ing overanalyzing everything. Stop basing your self-worth on anything but how you feel about yourself at any given point in time. Whether some guy likes you or not DOESNT ****ING MATTER.

 

You cause your on anxiety with all this thinking. There's no reason to mull over him for more than the 5 minutes it takes to decide to go on a date wednesday.

 

Do that now. Okay good done. Make the plans and don't think about it anymore.

 

You're obviously getting better at **** because some dude liked you because of your CONFIDENCE! That wasn't there a while ago. That would have never happened. You were confident before because you (1) assumed he didn't like you (2) didn't give a **** if he did. Now do more of (2) and less of (1) you'll be better off IN LIFE.

 

You don't have to please anyone. The only person you have to please is yourself.

[Kamille]

Stop experiencing this as if it's a life and death situation! It isn't!

 

Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself you have plenty of things going on in your life, such as the fact you're pursuing your career goals, and that your sense of self-worth doesn't depend on this situation working out.

 

Now calm down and if wednesday works for you, go for it. What matters is 1) learning to find your balance 2) getting to know him. What matters isn't whether or not he's interested. Don't worry about it. If he is interested, he will find ways to let you know. You don't have to guess at it. He isn't subliminally trying to send you mysterious messages for you to solve. He's actively setting up a date. Stop trying to read into peoples' intentions! You will never be 100% accurate doing so, so give it up.

 

Oh, and if you're free wednesday, stop complicating things and say yes to the date. Simple!

[Ruby Slippers]

shadowplay, I think these anxieties go deeper than is possible to address only with advice from a public message board.

 

I have a good friend who struggles with panic attacks and anxiety, and he has worked for years to better deal with these. He has not completely defeated them, but he has made enormous progress and now only has the occasional small panic attack.

 

He made all this progress with therapy, with healthy eating and exercise, with mind-body connection self-study and exercises, and practice, and he is so much happier and more fulfilled for it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

As for reading other people's intentions/thoughts it IS pretty much impossible.

 

(BTW guys I am not sure Shadow is even reading this and she seems to have disabled her PM function - I hope that she is OK and that she comes back)

 

Anyway, at the time I was dating that politician guy (whom I really liked) and the musician guy (who really liked me but I didn't really feel the same). So one evening the musician guy sends me a text that he just found out that he is moving to another city for few months for work. Few minutes after that, politician guy texts me that he is canceling our date with some lame excuse.

 

Obviously, the fact that musician guy is moving didn't even register. I was really upset that politician guy canceled. I was almost teary and I was really down

 

So in the midst of all this, musician guy calls to see if I am OK about the fact that he is moving and we would have to do LDR for a while. When I answered the phone, he could tell that I am upset by my voice. He thought that I was upset because he is moving (when it really was about the other guy!). So he read that completly wrong and concluded that I must really like him...

 

He kept bringing that up later and saying how happy he was because that evening showed him that I really cared about him I didn't really have the heart to set him straight.

 

Anyway the point is, you can NEVER really know what someone is thinking.

[elaina]

Hello Shadow,

 

Do you think you might have a social anxiety disorder? I'm sorry that you feel awkward around your roommates ever since you and their friend got involved. I wish that you can just have fun with them! I wonder if some of the issue is that you worry so much that maybe they don't like you or something like that?

 

People can sense things. For many people, when they sense fear and negative, anxious, "do they like me" thoughts, they don't tend to know how to handle it. I think what you need are lots of hugs and constant confirmations of your worth as the lovely girl you are! I don't think your roommates know though how best to interact with your worries. When a person doesn't behave "normally", many people don't know what to do.

 

My Dad has social anxiety disorder (I forgot if that's the exact name of the disorder or not). He is a genius (in my opinion) , but socially has a hard time with others. One thing that really helps him is my Mom's presence, because she is very confident interacting with others and she knows how to put him at ease too.

 

I think you need to go to a counselor at your university and talk about soical anxiety that you have and ask for help in how to deal with your roommates. Sometimes people can just be mean, but I think hopefully your roommates are not mean people, but rather just don't know how to take your uncomfortableness. Hopefully that is the issue, and instead of just focusing on your awkwardness, try focusing on them, and geniunely be interested in them. That could help too. All the best to you Shadow, you deserve to have fun and be happy, and I hope you and your roommates become good friends!

[coloredinks]

Quick update, light on the obsession.

 

Just got a tidbit via the roomie I'm friends with via my other roommate. I guess J's last girlfriend (that he broke up with couple months ago) cheated on him and then showed up on his doorstep and told him to get out of town. WTF. Maybe he is attracted to crazy...

 

Haven't heard from him since that tentative "...maybe wednesday night?" response last night, which I responded to with "wednesday works." I know he'll get back to me about wednesday based on how he is and the fact that he's sort of accountable since I live with his friends. but this feels very half-assed.

 

Not sure but I think what happened was he was initially quite interested after our hookup based on how quickly he set up an actual date. Then lost interest because of combination of me puking + him feeling pressured by me indicating I probably don't want something casual. At least I know it wasn't my looks this time. He's definitely very attracted to me in that way. Just sucks that things went wrong.

 

Now his BFF and girlfriend are being noticeably weird around me. J has probably given them the rundown of everything we did. We didn't have sex, but we did get partially naked and feel each other up the second time.

 

So nothing positive has come out of this experience.

 

I'm not crushed or anything, just mildly frustrated and uneasy about the awkwardness with my roommates.

Edited September 27, 2010 by coloredinks

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ohhh I love the Lolita quote in your signature

[welikeincrowds]

Here's a glimpse into the dark inner workings of my mind.

 

http://www.dallasdancemusic.com/photos/data/500/634rolleyesbarf.gif

 

 

So nothing positive has come out of this experience.

 

 

BULLS**T.

 

You had a GREAT time when you hooked up with him. You had a glowing thread on LS where even you could not believe how what everyone tells you is true, that things will work out for you if you merely let them. He made you feel special and you ****ing loved it.

 

But you're right. You're absolutely right. No further good will come, because you REFUSE TO EVEN GIVE IT A CHANCE.

 

YOU HAVE JUST BARELY STARTED SEEING THIS GUY.

 

CHILL.

 

THE.

 

****.

 

OUT.

 

It's like you're dealing with life or death. It's JUST. DATING. THEY'RE JUST PEOPLE. HUMAN BEINGS. And they're not holding you at gunpoint and taking your money, they're not threatening your family. They want to spend time with you, because for some reason, they like you. And you have your own place to stay and an education and internet access and a forum full of people willing to listen to you ponder and complain about the seeming only person in your life, because most of them are kind people that legitimately care about your well-being.

 

Jesus Christ.

 

Get over yourself and enjoy your privileged life.

 

Please excuse my language. Believe me, I will never react this way to another thread of yours again.

[coloredinks]

^are you from NY?

[welikeincrowds]

^are you from NY?

 

Uh oh. Yes, I am. Is it obvious?

 

If there was a delete post feature, I'd use it. There's no point in lashing out like that. I just want you to succeed, OP.

[welikeincrowds]

coloredinks

 

OH, ****.

 

I just realized I misquoted you thinking it was shadow.

 

GOD, I am an idiot.

 

Nevermind, forget everything I said. I'm going to, uh, I dunno, go say a Hail Mary or something.

[coloredinks]

OH, ****.

 

I just realized I misquoted you thinking it was shadow.

 

GOD, I am an idiot.

 

Nevermind, forget everything I said. I'm going to, uh, I dunno, go say a Hail Mary or something.

 

 

I'm shadow reincarnated.

[coloredinks]

Uh oh. Yes, I am. Is it obvious?

 

 

yes.

 

 

If there was a delete post feature, I'd use it. There's no point in lashing out like that. I just want you to succeed, OP.

 

 

No worries. What you wrote was honest and accurate, and I know there wasn't any malice behind it.

[florence of suburbia]

ColoredInks / Shadow:

 

This popped into my head today and I made it a point to come on here and post. You've been acting manic and highly anxious the last two weeks.

 

Could this be because of the Adderall?

[coloredinks]

ColoredInks / Shadow:

 

This popped into my head today and I made it a point to come on here and post. You've been acting manic and highly anxious the last two weeks.

 

Could this be because of the Adderall?

 

Nah, I'm actually off the adderall at the minute (have ot pick up a new prescription). In fact, I was on the adderall the day I met him and I think it worked in my favor. I was talking non-stop where I'm usually silent. I'm a lot worse off it in every respect.

[melodymatters]

When it comes to relationships, I like intesity. Online dating seems like the fast food of romance.

 

Believe me, those huge intensity, always on 10 people, grate on my nerves too, but when it comes to boy girl stuff : I want the boy to REALLY like me and let me KNOW he really likes me.

 

I think i'll just wait until I stumble across someone who just wants to talk to me a lot, because he's thinking of me and then without discussion we sudddenly are a team. Exchanging resumes with online dudes just seems..forced.

 

For you SP, or CI, you need to get to a place of "F*ck it" with guys. There were men in your past and there will be men next week, month and year. I have anxiety disorder too, but never with guys: they just don't mean a lot to me until we mean a LOT to EACHOTHER.

[Kamille]

 

Not sure but I think what happened was he was initially quite interested after our hookup based on how quickly he set up an actual date. Then lost interest because of combination of me puking + him feeling pressured by me indicating I probably don't want something casual. At least I know it wasn't my looks this time. He's definitely very attracted to me in that way. Just sucks that things went wrong.

 

Now his BFF and girlfriend are being noticeably weird around me. J has probably given them the rundown of everything we did. We didn't have sex, but we did get partially naked and feel each other up the second time.

 

There is no evidence that supports the fact that this guy has lost interest. Not to mention, who cares if he has.

 

As for what BFF, gf and date talked about, it is absolutely none of your business, nor should you attempt to guess what it is. Not to mention, you've found you relationship with them to be strained and strange from day one, so perhaps the current weird attitude is just the continued weirdness that you perceive as heightened because you made out with their friend. And, yes, that's all you did. You kissed a boy. There's nothing shameful about it.

 

So nothing positive has come out of this experience.

 

 

That's a pretty black and white statement. Are you learning anything through this experience? And, as WLIC mentions, didn't you enjoy making out with him? Didn't it help you debunk your obsessive thoughts about your capacity to attract cute guys?

 

What, exactly, do you expect out of meeting and dating people?

[coloredinks]

sigh. why must i like him so much? it's the gorgeous eyes and the smarts. gets me every time.

 

grr...i think my life would be ten times better without the existence of men.

[elaina]

 

This is great. Yeah guys are people too, but women really need to "guard their hearts" so to speak, and not let their soul become affected by some guy until he truly shows he cares for her and really likes her for who she is. If a woman puts her soul's longing on a guy too quickly and before the guy has truly made a strong emotional connection, it can just hurt her worse than if she just has fun meeting him and getting to know him, and making sure she doesn't give the guy power to hurt her until she trusts him to not hurt her, if that makes any sense lol.

[Kamille]

sigh. why must i like him so much? it's the gorgeous eyes and the smarts. gets me every time.

 

grr...i think my life would be ten times better without the existence of men.

 

Or... You might be really bored.

 

Men are awesome. Being into a guy you just met and hardly know is nerve-wracking. It comes with the territory. Just try not to internalize those jitters.

 

Remember, this doesn't have to work out. You made out with a cute guy you find smart and hot. Pat yourself on the back for making out with a cute smart guy. And leave it at that for now.

[coloredinks]

He just sent me this message:

 

Any interest in doing the fair tomorrow night!?! I know -- it's *that* exciting.

 

Some of my other friends will be going that night and invited me -- I think [my roommates] are down, so if you're interested I bet we can get everyone in on it. And it ends pretty early so we can hang out afterward too.

[Kamille]

He just sent me this message:

 

Any interest in doing the fair tomorrow night!?! I know -- it's *that* exciting.

 

Some of my other friends will be going that night and invited me -- I think [my roommates] are down, so if you're interested I bet we can get everyone in on it. And it ends pretty early so we can hang out afterward too.

 

Have fun!

________

[coloredinks]

Have fun!

________

 

 

Ugh, what's wrong with me. I felt excited and then I promptly went to the bathroom to try to purge a candy bar I ate earlier. I've NEVER tried to purge in my life, but I feel too fat for tomorrow Didn't end up purging though. It didn't work and my girl roommate was in the next room, and I didn't want her to hear me and report back to him.