USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Please convince me guys that it is a terrible idea to message him about what nights are good for me this week. Shadow, it is a terrible idea to message him about what nights are good for you this week. I last heard from him last night when he invited me to hang out at that joint with his buddies. I'm freaking out a bit that I haven't heard from him all day. It's been less than 24 hours...things will be ok... Before last night, earlier that day in our last correspondence he suggested we be in touch about which night this week works for both of us and also that we should go to the fair together when all of us (roommates) have a free night. But those are both up in the air, since we haven't set a specific time. He will get back to you about what nights are good for him to go to the fair. I should wait for him to get back to me, right?? Sounds like a plan... Did he take my declining his offer to hang out last night because I was tired as a sign of disinterest? I just got off the phone with him. He already knows you're interested. Don't fret it. :laugh:
Author shadowplay Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Shadow, it is a terrible idea to message him about what nights are good for you this week. It's been less than 24 hours...things will be ok... He will get back to you about what nights are good for him to go to the fair. Sounds like a plan... I just got off the phone with him. He already knows you're interested. Don't fret it. :laugh: Haha, thanks Hokie.
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Haha, thanks Hokie. But seriously though, we're all guilty of getting a little antsy when we really like the person...heck, even I will exhibit irrational behavior and overanalysis from time to time when I'm really into a girl... But I've noticed that this particular issues can arise when you are "living in the moment" (which I'm a big advocate of)...you almost spend every one of your "moments" thinking about your guy, instead of living your own life independent from him..."living in the moment" doesn't mean allowing your life to be consumed by the guy...
Kamille Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 This is the part I have trouble with. It's really, really difficult for me to have a taste of someone I like a lot and then have it end. Let's think about it another way. If things hadn't ended with ex ex, you wouldn't have met ex. If things hadn't ended with ex, you wouldn't have met this guy. And, who here remembers the last guy you dated or the one before that? You attach really quickly. It definitely leads to anxiety and I would love to see you tone down the attachment, but let's turn this into a positive. We actually know that even if things don't work out with this guy, you will soon find someone else you really like. So, in other words, it isn't that difficult for you to get a taste of someone you like and then have it end.
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I'm actually going against Hokie's advice...weird. He invited you out last night, and you didn't go. To him, it was a "no." So I *kinda* think it's on you to make the next contact about getting together. You already have plans together to go to the fair, so it's not like you'd be inviting him out/chasing, but rather, it seems like it's "your turn" to put something together, because he made the last effort (last night). That was a convoluted run-on, but hopefully it makes sense.
Kamille Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 But I've noticed that this particular issues can arise when you are "living in the moment" (which I'm a big advocate of)...you almost spend every one of your "moments" thinking about your guy, instead of living your own life independent from him..."living in the moment" doesn't mean allowing your life to be consumed by the guy... Hear hear! Enough fretting. Laugh off this most recent anxious moment and go prepare yourself a delicious dinner.
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 But seriously though, we're all guilty of getting a little antsy when we really like the person...heck, even I will exhibit irrational behavior and overanalysis from time to time when I'm really into a girl... We're all guilty of it. This may sound silly, but you know what I do? I literally set aside the time I'll allow myself to think about/obsess over my love life. Specifically, I do this in the shower, and on the drive home. So if I need more time, I take a longer shower or a longer route home. Every other minute is spent doing something PRODUCTIVE to my well-being. Now, I'm not saying I never spend more time than that, particularly because when I'm really into someone I can't help but think about them all the time. But the point is, when it comes to negative thoughts and worries, I limit them and don't let them consume me.
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I'm actually going against Hokie's advice...weird. Heh, not weird at all. He invited you out last night, and you didn't go. To him, it was a "no." So I *kinda* think it's on you to make the next contact about getting together. You already have plans together to go to the fair, so it's not like you'd be inviting him out/chasing, but rather, it seems like it's "your turn" to put something together, because he made the last effort (last night). That was a convoluted run-on, but hopefully it makes sense. I certainly understand what you're saying here, and I'm kind of inclined to agree with you here...however, after looking back at Shadow's first post in the thread, I wouldn't consider the guy's invite a date invitation, but more an inpromptu invitation to hang out with friends. I agree that Shadow probably should think about planning a date of her own with him, but since the fair was the guy's idea, he should be proactive in making sure that date happens by contacting her about free days, details, etc.
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 We're all guilty of it. Yes we are... :love:
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 It's silly but I hate being seen exercising by people who know me. I think it's just looking sweaty and disheveled. I'm one of those people who has trouble going out in a public in a place where I might run into people I know unless I look perfect. I rarely leave the house without makeup, for example. It's probably this root fear that my attractiveness hinges on brushing up, rather than natural good looks. But maybe I can get around this by running in the early morning. No, no, no! Do it in the light of day, in all your sweaty gloriousness! FWIW, you want a fit guy, right? Well, IME, most fit guys find chicks who are all sweaty and disheveled from working out to be really sexy...
anne1707 Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Both Hokie and Stargazer are showing that a way of dealing with anxiety in a new relationship is taking some control over what happens next - show some initiative and make some effort rather than stressing and worrying about he said/she said etc. If there is nothing you can do about what happens next then stop worrying about it. This is a mature and sensible (but not at all dull) way of doing things and can result in very successful outcomes....
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 No, no, no! Do it in the light of day, in all your sweaty gloriousness! FWIW, you want a fit guy, right? Well, IME, most fit guys find chicks who are all sweaty and disheveled from working out to be really sexy... Stamp of approval.
Author shadowplay Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Both Hokie and Stargazer are showing that a way of dealing with anxiety in a new relationship is taking some control over what happens next - show some initiative and make some effort rather than stressing and worrying about he said/she said etc. If there is nothing you can do about what happens next then stop worrying about it. This is a mature and sensible (but not at all dull) way of doing things and can result in very successful outcomes.... Are you saying I should message him?
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I certainly understand what you're saying here, and I'm kind of inclined to agree with you here...however, after looking back at Shadow's first post in the thread, I wouldn't consider the guy's invite a date invitation, but more an inpromptu invitation to hang out with friends. It was no more of a date invitation than asking her to the fair with their friends... I agree that Shadow probably should think about planning a date of her own with him, but since the fair was the guy's idea, he should be proactive in making sure that date happens by contacting her about free days, details, etc. I see your point, but again, when first suggested (might have been in another thread, the WTF one) it was a group thing. He's made/is making efforts, I think she should return them now. No?
anne1707 Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Are you saying I should message him? I personally think you should. He suggested something and you declined for various reasons so I think it is now up to you to suggest the next date. I really do not see why it should be up to the man to make all the effort - after all they stress over dating just as much as women.
Kamille Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 (edited) Are you saying I should message him? I don't think this is an emergency. When I had moments of doubts about whether or not to contact a guy, I would hit the gym, cook myself a nice meal, do something that would snap me out of thinking about the situation for at least a few hours, hopefully a day. Then, when I'd get back to thinking about it, I would be in a better headspace. Take a couple of days to detach a little and then set a date. I swear, it will go better. You will be smoother and you won't feel quite as prone to anxiety if he doesn't answer straight away than if you text out of "what should I do next panic". Give yourself the right to ask him out, but remember, there's no rush to do so. Edited September 26, 2010 by Kamille
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I personally think you should. He suggested something and you declined for various reasons so I think it is now up to you to suggest the next date. I really do not see why it should be up to the man to make all the effort - after all they stress over dating just as much as women. I agree. Are you saying I should message him? I would. He suggested an activity. I wouldn't just sit back and wait for him to figure everything out. In response, I'd say, "Hey, about [activity], I'm free X day and Y day. Let me know if that works for you. :)" If he's interested and a decent dude, he'll pick one of the days you're free and allow you to plan in advance. But like Kamille said, there's no rush (unless of course the fair closes soon).
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 It was no more of a date invitation than asking her to the fair with their friends... ... I see your point, but again, when first suggested (might have been in another thread, the WTF one) it was a group thing. He's made/is making efforts, I think she should return them now. No? Hmmm, that's a good point. Didn't realize the fair was also a group thing...but it didn't have the last-minuteness of last night's invite. I do have to agree with you that Shadow needs to reciprocate some of the effort, especially if she's as interested as she is. If she wants to see him again, she should just go ahead and ask him out...no games, no bullsh*t... But one thing, she shouldn't reciprocate effort simply because it's "her turn"...she should be making effort because she wants to see him and go out with him again... Are you saying I should message him? I think in the end, and what Anne is getting at, if you want to message him, then message him! It seems this guy is genuinely interested in you, so I doubt a message from you is going to turn him off or scare him away...
Star Gazer Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 But one thing, she shouldn't reciprocate effort simply because it's "her turn"...she should be making effort because she wants to see him and go out with him again... For me, they go together. If it's "her turn" but she's not interested, she doesn't message him. If it's not "her turn" (i.e., she's been putting in all the effort, or he hasn't initiated at all) but she's interested, she still doesn't message him. But those are my rules... some might call them games, but they do work quite well for me, if only to completely avoid the anxiety she's experiencing.
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 But those are my rules... some might call them games, but they do work quite well for me, if only to completely avoid the anxiety she's experiencing. Hmmm, I'm going to write that down...
Author shadowplay Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 so I messaged him on facebook about what nights he is free and what nights i'm free. Of course, instantly had buyer's remorse and thought it was a bad choice. but whatever. at least i tried. he hadn't responded after half an hour and then i decided to just close my email/facebook tabs and no longer check.
USMCHokie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 so I messaged him on facebook about what nights he is free and what nights i'm free. Of course, instantly had buyer's remorse and thought it was a bad choice. but whatever. at least i tried. he hadn't responded after half an hour and then i decided to just close my email/facebook tabs and no longer check. You have to stop thinking like this. You can't go regretting every single choice you make...it'll make life pretty sucky, you know...? And it's only been 30 minutes!!! I sometimes take showers longer than that!
Author shadowplay Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 You have to stop thinking like this. You can't go regretting every single choice you make...it'll make life pretty sucky, you know...? And it's only been 30 minutes!!! I sometimes take showers longer than that! Haha...you guys need to stop with the sexual innuendo in this thread. It's out of control!
USMCHokie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Haha...you guys need to stop with the sexual innuendo in this thread. It's out of control! Hahah, it can prove to be a little difficult when one is particularly horny... :laugh:
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 so I messaged him on facebook about what nights he is free and what nights i'm free. Of course, instantly had buyer's remorse and thought it was a bad choice. but whatever. at least i tried. he hadn't responded after half an hour and then i decided to just close my email/facebook tabs and no longer check. Shadow, blatantly lie to yourself if you have to. Tell yourself he was out for a run, in the shower, talking to his momma on the phone, mashing cauliflower, whatever it takes to not think he's read it and just not responding. But even still, the truth is, not many people are attached to their Facebook or email and constantly checking it. I'm sure when he gets your message he'll be very pleasantly surprised...
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