I'm having a lot of difficulty managing my anxiety

[shadowplay]

I know you guys think I analyze things too much, and that's something I'm actively trying to avoid, but I would love some advice on how to manage my anxiety when it comes to dating and people in general.

 

When I first hooked up with this guy, I felt fine, but at the time I hadn't really considered the implications of getting involved with my roommate's best friend. Since the misadventure on our second date, I've been anxious as heck. I keep trying to avoid thinking about it, but I woke up today with a racing heat. In fact it still is, even though I'm busy with other things.

 

I'd say at least 70% of what makes me nervous isn't him per se, but the awkwardness of being at all involved with the very, very close friend of two of my roommates (they're a couple). I don't know them nearly as well as they know him.

 

Ever since the party, I've felt incredibly awkward in their presence. In a way I feel that my privacy has been invaded, even though it's nobody's fault. Usually home life and dating life are totally separate. I know that they're probably getting a rundown from him of our dates. That's perfectly natural, and I can't fault him for it, since he's best friends with one of my roommates and the other roommate is his best friend's girlfriend. I also know that he's probably talking with them about me and whether he's interested or not, and that makes me nervous since I'm not exactly privy to that information. I also feel like anything odd I do around them will go straight back to him.

 

This morning I decided to heck with it -- I was going to put on a confident, friendly face when I saw them. Instead, I stiffened up when one of my roomies walked in the kitchen and we had a really awkward exchange.

 

I also turned down his invite to hang out with them at a local joint last night, because it seemed way too awkward. The whole time there would be this unspoken focus on how he and I were interacting. Dating already makes me nervous, but it's that much worse when you have other people around watching.

 

Why can't I just relax?? How do I stop this? I'm very frustrated with myself!

 

In fact I've considered just declining to see him again, because I don't know if I can handle this tension intruding on my home life.

 

I know this anxiety will cripple any possibilities we have. Part of what he seemed to like about me was my confidence when we first met. I remember how I felt that night. I didn't really give a fck, because I didn't think he liked me. In fact there might have been a twinge of hostility and dismissiveness mixed in with attraction in our initial interaction (at least on my end). Think Elizabeth and Darcy in P&P. Sometimes if I find a guy attractive, but think he's an ass, and he also seems smart, I enjoy verbal sparring. Apparently that had the unexpected effect of turning him on. It's kind of like a challenge. Don't know if I can return to that place, unless I convince myself that I don't like him.

 

I do want to grow out of this silliness. So far thought stopping doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

Edited September 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[Green]

u should have just gone out and faced your FEARS.

[shadowplay]

u should have just gone out and faced your FEARS.

 

I know.

 

------------------

[shadowplay]

Btw, in the mean time I've messaged all the guys on OKC I was planning on meeting that I'm no longer in the head space to be dating.

 

I can't deal with the amount of energy this takes up in my brain.

 

I probably won't date again at least until I graduate at the end of this semester, and maybe even later since I'll be moving in a year.

[anne1707]

In fact I've considered just declining to see him again, because I don't know if I can handle this tension intruding on my home life.

 

 

Stop, think, breathe.....

 

The tension is pretty much of your own doing because you are over analysing, stressing, worrying over things that may be are not such a big deal to others as you think (meaning your room mates).

 

For all you know, he may not be talking to your room mates because it is not his style or maybe because he feels it would not be appropriate/discreet considering you are all living under one roof. Also consider this - if you and he did start dating, maybe it would help breakdown some of the barriers you perceive between yourself and your room mates.

 

Now remember - breathe!!!!

 

(See SP - I can play nice )

[denise_xo]

 

Why can't I just relax?? How do I stop this? I'm very frustrated with myself!

.

 

I haven't read all your previous threads so don't know the history, but if your problem is anxiety/overly active brain in general and you want to address it at a more fundamental level (not just in relation to this particular guy/situation), then a 'standard' recipe of options would include stuff like counseling, medication (herbal or more conventional meds), physical exercise, meditative practices, etc. Have you tried any of that?

 

As for this particular guy, why don't you just tell him you'd like to get to know him a bit better before hanging out with friends? I think that's reasonable...

[welikeincrowds]

I'd say at least 70% of what makes me nervous isn't him per se, but the awkwardness of being at all involved with the very, very close friend of two of my roommates (they're a couple). I don't know them nearly as well as they know him.

 

So what?

 

I know that they're probably getting a rundown from him of our dates.

 

So what?

 

I also feel like anything odd I do around them will go straight back to him.

 

The whole time there would be this unspoken focus on how he and I were interacting.

 

Ahhh, I see, it's about you after all. You're overestimating how much people care about you or what you're doing. This is, in all likelihood, just a harmless, fun topic for them, as it should be for you. There's a reason gossip magazines are printed with cheap inks on cheap paper.

 

 

Part of what he seemed to like about me was my confidence when we first met.

 

You don't know what he liked, and you won't. He probably doesn't even know what he liked. It doesn't matter what he liked...

 

It's kind of like a challenge. Don't know if I can return to that place, unless I convince myself that I don't like him.

 

...but, I will say this. For all the little dating tricks, and easy answers to situational questions that come from experience, I basically follow one guideline that I'm sure is shared by most people on LS: watch that she deserves you; show her you deserve her. It sounds like you're not doing enough watching. If you do, and you find more reasons to believe that he does deserve you, you will be naturally inspired to act.

[make me believe]

You seem to think that everybody else is as obsessed with you as you are. I HIGHLY doubt there would be an "unspoken focus on how the two of you were interacting." So you guys hooked up and went on a date or whatever. Why do you think your roommates care so much??! I am sure these people have better things to do than sit around discussing your every move, his interest or lack of, etc etc. It seems like you are the only one making this awkward.

[Star Gazer]

You seem to think that everybody else is as obsessed with you as you are. I HIGHLY doubt there would be an "unspoken focus on how the two of you were interacting." So you guys hooked up and went on a date or whatever. Why do you think your roommates care so much??! I am sure these people have better things to do than sit around discussing your every move, his interest or lack of, etc etc. It seems like you are the only one making this awkward.

 

I really have to agree with this.

 

Shadow, you're projecting your obsession onto them. Do you think after one makeout, and one followup date, that he's sitting around obsessing over you? Or talking about you? Highly unlikely.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Btw, in the mean time I've messaged all the guys on OKC I was planning on meeting that I'm no longer in the head space to be dating.

 

I can't deal with the amount of energy this takes up in my brain.

 

I probably won't date again at least until I graduate at the end of this semester, and maybe even later since I'll be moving in a year.

 

 

I am exactly there. Ever since I started online dating, 2.5 months ago, it has taken about 80% of my head space. As a result, I have been distracted at work, I have avoided my parents (because I don't want to talk to them about dating), I have avoided friends and I only saw ones that I could talk about my dating life with. And with them, I talked for hours, completely self-absorbed and going in circles. And of course I have been on LS all the time.

 

It has completly consumed me and I feel this is not healthy or good for me in any way. I feel constant free floating anxiety and deep unease. My sleep has been erratic. I feel very vulnerable and exposed to rejection. I just long to return back to that place of inner peace. To the life that's somewhat boring but at least relaxed.

 

The guy hasn't contacted me and he has been back from his trip for at least a day (if anything he said was true at all). I have to admit that part of me feels relief. I kind of want to be released from that high stress situation. Realistically, the connection that I felt to him wasn't that strong and I am not even missing him anymore. I feel vaguely annoyed that he rejected me, but it's more of an ego thing.

 

I feel no urge to contact him. One of the telling signs is that I haven't deleted his contact info from my phone. When I do REALLY like a guy, I have to delete it as the feeling of wanting to contact him is too overwhelming and I always cave (I kept deleting politician's contact info from date one and then again after every text exchange we had because I wanted to be in contact with him ALL the time). Please don't tell me that he will call guys, that's kind of irrelevant at this point and I genuinely don't care much. Obsessing over him that I did previously came from insecurity rather than real connection.

 

I am about to disable all my dating profiles. I feel like a huge weight will be lifted when I do that. I want to go back to my normal life and if I meet someone great, if not oh well.

 

Sorry for the vent, I really needed it.

[Kamille]

First you recognize the pattern:

And with them, I talked for hours, completely self-absorbed and going in circles. And of course I have been on LS all the time.

 

It has completly consumed me and I feel this is not healthy or good for me in any way. I feel constant free floating anxiety and deep unease. My sleep has been erratic. I feel very vulnerable and exposed to rejection. I just long to return back to that place of inner peace. To the life that's somewhat boring but at least relaxed.

 

Then you indulge in it:

 

The guy hasn't contacted me and he has been back from his trip for at least a day (if anything he said was true at all). I have to admit that part of me feels relief. I kind of want to be released from that high stress situation. Realistically, the connection that I felt to him wasn't that strong and I am not even missing him anymore. I feel vaguely annoyed that he rejected me, but it's more of an ego thing.

 

I feel no urge to contact him. One of the telling signs is that I haven't deleted his contact info from my phone. When I do REALLY like a guy, I have to delete it as the feeling of wanting to contact him is too overwhelming and I always cave (I kept deleting politician's contact info from date one and then again after every text exchange we had because I wanted to be in contact with him ALL the time). Please don't tell me that he will call guys, that's kind of irrelevant at this point and I genuinely don't care much. Obsessing over him that I did previously came from insecurity rather than real connection.

 

I am about to disable all my dating profiles. I feel like a huge weight will be lifted when I do that. I want to go back to my normal life and if I meet someone great, if not oh well.

 

Sorry for the vent, I really needed it.

 

What's going on SAC? It sounds like something about dating has become like the unhealthy side effects of an addiction for you.

[Kamille]

Shadow, when you feel the anxiety rising, what do you do? Do you force yourself to do another activity to keep your mind off over-analysis?

 

Have you identified activities that you like doing that keep you relaxed yet?

 

Note: LS likely feeds your anxieties, so it doesn't count.

[Star Gazer]

First you recognize the pattern:

 

 

Then you indulge in it:

 

 

 

What's going on SAC? It sounds like something about dating has become like the unhealthy side effects of an addiction for you.

 

SAC relishes in the angst and anxiety, as best I can tell.

[shadowplay]

SAC relishes in the angst and anxiety, as best I can tell.

 

I don't know about that. For me, it's really hard to control, and I very much want to just relax.

 

I think when somebody comes on LS and says I have trouble with anxiety and I want to improve, the answer isn't to say something like "oh you relish in anxiety." Maybe the answer is to give them advice about how to better manage it... Just a thought.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, when you feel the anxiety rising, what do you do? Do you force yourself to do another activity to keep your mind off over-analysis?

 

Have you identified activities that you like doing that keep you relaxed yet?

 

Note: LS likely feeds your anxieties, so it doesn't count.

 

For the most part, I try to shift focus. Like clean up my place, cook, do work, run errands. It sort of follows me wherever I go, though.

[tami-chan]

You are intelligent-one who is able to to process things thoughtfully and come up with a reasonable solution that would work for you....let's see you do it...please...

[Star Gazer]

I don't know about that. For me, it's really hard to control, and I very much want to just relax.

 

I think when somebody comes on LS and says I have trouble with anxiety and I want to improve, the answer isn't to say something like "oh you relish in anxiety." Maybe the answer is to give them advice about how to better manage it... Just a thought.

 

Last I heard, you and SAC were in fact two different people. Am I wrong?

 

She enjoys it, Shadow. She gets exited at the anxiety you experience as well, because she can relate to it, and it makes her feel justified in feeling the way she does. It makes it okay to obsess.

 

I don't think you feel the same way. I see you seeking help and answers. Not so with your BFF.

 

*shrug*

[Star Gazer]

For the most part, I try to shift focus. Like clean up my place, cook, do work, run errands. It sort of follows me wherever I go, though.

 

What about intense exercise? Do you do that? Does it follow you then too?

[Kamille]

SAC relishes in the angst and anxiety, as best I can tell.

 

I wonder if LS isn't the main part of the problem. I remember a period when I was really addicted to LS when I would think in LS titles. I wasn't living my love life so much as performing it for an outside audience.

 

When I met bf, I was going through a phase where I was tired of LS's propensity for worst case scenarios. "He says he's busy this week? Clearly he's low-interest, putting you on the back burner and playing you. You deserve better". Meanwhile, bf was... busy that week. So I stopped posting about my relationship. Instead, I had to rely on my own better judgement. Eventually, I made the rule that I would never discuss a problem on LS that I hadn't already discussed with bf.

 

LS is drama-driven. There is amazing advice here, but if anxiety is your modus operandi, you will always find someone who will present the worst case scenario to you, thus feeding your anxiety.

[shadowplay]

People who don't have anxiety may not realize how crippling it can be when it's a persistent problem. This is something I've suffered from even as a little kid. I can remember a thought would consume me and I would feel on the verge of a panic attack because I couldn't get it out of my head. It could be any thought, like the sky is blue, but once I became aware of it, I couldn't block it out. Unfortunately, I think this is largely temperament. OCD runs in my family. That's not to say I believe I have no control over it. I think if I work hard I can probably get to a more relaxed state. I'm just not sure how to get there.

 

Here's an example of what it's like. I decided to run errands today in my small town in an effort to redirect my focus, but I was constantly scanning the crowds for people I knew and didn't want to run into. Mostly I was afraid of running into J, but there was also, to a lesser extent the guy from OKC, my ex, and even anyone I just know at all. I'm terrible at the stop and chat, because I hate being taken off-guard and having to come up with things to say. I've actually improved a lot over the years. When I was 19-21 I went through a period of agoraphobia where I was too afraid to even leave my house. I spent two whole summers literally never leaving my parent's house because the crowds outside terrified me. Finally, with the help of a therapist I was able to run an errand or two outside and improve from there.

 

Well, I did end up seeing my ex from behind, but he didn't see me. And he was on a date with a girl. I guess I've really gotten over him, because I barely cared.

Edited September 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

When I met bf, I was going through a phase where I was tired of LS's propensity for worst case scenarios. "He says he's busy this week? Clearly he's low-interest, putting you on the back burner and playing you. You deserve better". Meanwhile, bf was... busy that week. So I stopped posting about my relationship. Instead, I had to rely on my own better judgement. Eventually, I made the rule that I would never discuss a problem on LS that I hadn't already discussed with bf.

 

Ding ding ding!!! You didn't want the anxiety, so you didn't go looking for it. And in using your own better judgment, your own independent problem solving skills, look what you found?

 

LS is drama-driven. There is amazing advice here, but if anxiety is your modus operandi, you will always find someone who will present the worst case scenario to you, thus feeding your anxiety.

 

Precisely my point. Some people choose to use their own judgment in working through their relationship issues, whereas some people will ALWAYS choose to look for and seek out anxiety and the negative spin.

 

SAC's current guy is a case in point. He set a date for this upcoming Tuesday. Awesome, right? Well, she decides to turn this around to him not being interested in her anymore. How she jumps to that conclusion with the facts before her, I have no idea. He set a date with her for crying out loud! So she posts here, hoping someone will encourage her anxiety and make her feel entitled to her negative feelings. And of course some negative Nancy will come along and validate her feelings, which somehow will make her feel better, because that's exactly what she wants.

 

She knows it's a problem and issue for her, but like you said, she indulges it.

[shadowplay]

What about intense exercise? Do you do that? Does it follow you then too?

 

Haven't tried it, but I've been considering.

 

The main things getting in the way of that:

 

1) money. joining a gym is expensive, and I'm already low on funds.

 

2) I was actually considering joining crossfit awhile back, but OKC guy LIVES at the crossfit gym in my town. In an ideal world, sure I'd go and ignore him. But is that realistic given how anxious I already am? I mean can you imagine me trying to put my mind off of guys and then having him in my face at the same time? Seems like a disaster...

[Star Gazer]

Haven't tried it, but I've been considering.

 

The main things getting in the way of that:

 

1) money. joining a gym is expensive, and I'm already low on funds.

 

2) I was actually considering joining crossfit awhile back, but OKC guy LIVES at the crossfit gym in my town. In an ideal world, sure I'd go and ignore him. But is that realistic given how anxious I already am? I mean can you imagine me trying to put my mind off of guys and then having him in my face at the same time? Seems like a disaster...

 

Running is cheap. It's just the cost of a pair of running shoes.

 

Totally get you on CF. I purposefully chose a different CF so to avoid someone I had dated (and I didn't have any negative feelings, just didn't want to go to "his" gym). Plus, CF isn't like a gym where you can really avoid the people that are there. You'd likely literally be lifting and sweating a few feet away from him...

[Kamille]

Oh, and Shadow, if you feel it would be better not to get involved with this guy because it hits too close to home, that's totally your prerogative. Just tell him that. He'll understand.

 

Your emotional well-being comes first - and you're the only one who knows what you need.

 

You also should stop thinking you can interpret other people's motivations. I know you think your ability to read others is a special skill you have, but it is one that likely only perpetuates your anxiety. It causes you to respond to situations in anticipation of what others might think, not to act in ways that are true to your own beliefs, emotions and values. In other words, it causes you to be codependent. I feel that you struggle to allow yourself to be yourself because you estimate the price is too high to pay. In turn, this provokes anxiety for your because you're constantly trying to adjust to external priorities. Not to mention, it's a vicious cycle because while you seek validation from others, you rarely get it for being yourself. I'm not sure if I'm clear, but I trust you'll get it.

 

I'm typing out a list of affirmations from Edmund J Bourne's The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. The idea behind this list is to help you develop a nurturing attitude towards yourself and to help you with codependency.

 

- I'm learning to take better care of myself

- I recognize that my own needs are important

- It's good for me to take time for myself

- I'm finding a balance between my own needs and my concern for others.

- If I take good care of myself, I'll have more to offer others.

- It's okay to ask for what I want from others.

- I'm learning to accept myself just the way I am.

- It's okay to say no to others' demand when I need to.

- I don't have to be perfect to be accepted and loved.

- I can change myself, but I accept that I can't make another person change.

- I'm letting go of taking responsibility for other people's problems (SP, in this case, I think you can include I'm letting go of taking responsibility for how other people respond to me).

- I respect others enough to know that they can take responsibility for themselves

- I'm letting go of guilt when I can't fulfill others' expectations

- Compassion toward others is loving; feeling guilty about their feelings or reactions accomplishes nothing.

- I am learning to love myself every day.

The handbook also includes a Personal Bill of Rights in their chapter on assertiveness.

Here are a few you might find helpful:

 

- I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect

- I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems

- I have the right to be uniquely myself

- I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

 

I include the last one because even when you don't like someone, they still have the right to dignity and respect. So, even if you worry that someone doesn't like you, you still have the right to dignity and respect.

[Star Gazer]

I really like that Personal Bill of Rights! Very cool.