sigh...update on OKC guy

[johan]

A little. I'm still kind of steamed at Shadow though...

 

hoity toity.

[SilentVoice]

HEY, dammit! What the hell? Why don't you say "hey" back? It's common courtesy, for God's sake.

 

What, are you too good for me?

She is way too good for you. She must not want to be seen with you in public, but you can go over for a little nite cap.

 

Do see how irrational this seems Shadow? I really do wish you all the best.

[shadowplay]

This is more evidence for this weird observation I've consistently had over the years. I can't figure out why, but every single person I've met who grew up in the wealthy suburbs in MD right outside of DC has been...not very nice. And I've met a number, because there were a bunch I knew in college, many of whom I worked with on the school newspaper. (Mr. Harvard, and a bunch of other people from my college, randomly went to the same high school as this guy.) Must be something in the water. It's funny, but this is the one detail in his profile that made me second guess ever meeting him at all, even though he seemed really nice when we spoke online. Yeah, there are parts of the world that breed fewer nice people than others, because of culture, but I still can't get over how homogeneous my sample has been!

[florence of suburbia]

The guy isn't what you want. You want to feel desired and pursued -- he can't be bothered. You want passion -- he's indifferent about whether he sees you or not.

 

I'd say it has nothing to do with you, and this is just his MO.

[2sunny]

The guy isn't what you want. You want to feel desired and pursued -- he can't be bothered. You want passion -- he's indifferent about whether he sees you or not.

 

I'd say it has nothing to do with you, and this is just his MO.

 

at best. he made no effort and gave you and your feelings no consideration or thought.

 

he sounds lazy and lacks basic manners. these are not attractive qualities.

[Mme. Chaucer]

He sounds like a dud!

[Citizen Erased]

A little. I'm still kind of steamed at Shadow though...

 

hoity toity.

 

 

Are you trying to get her to be your date for my wedding?

 

Shadow, for the love of all that is holy, forget this guy. It's not a crime for him to not be interested in you but you're silly if you let him get to you. Or to continue trying to see him again for that matter.

 

To be honest, I think you wanted to feel loved again and you settled for a few hugs and kisses from someone and tried to make him more than what he really was. You aren't going to find the love of your life on a dating site the first few weeks you are on there. Slow it down girl.

[Star Gazer]

I actually didn't notice a drop of interest after the first date.

 

The noticeable drop of interest only came AFTER the second date.

 

Sorry, SAC…but you’re either willfully blind or simply not reading Shadow’s threads. To put it bluntly, you're wrong.

 

Here’s the thread where she said he guy was contacting her almost too much, to the point she wanted him to lay off. This was BEFORE their FIRST date: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244320/ He was in constant contact with her before the first date. In other words, he was showing her he was interested.

 

And here’s her reaction to his drastic drop in interest AFTER the FIRST date, and BEFORE the second date…she knew he was low interest BEFORE the second/sex date:

 

Ugh. He's being weird.

 

I got concerned when I logged onto aim this morning and he didn't message me, like he almost always does. Finally, I wrote "hey." Bear in mind there was a long delay on his end between each response. Usually he responds almost immediately.

 

There was a noticeable change in his behavior. (Like before the date he was texting me often and almost always imed me when I logged on, and he didn't pause between responses.) But I still feel like he's low interest and leading me on.

 

I don't understand, because I thought he was really interested when I left last night. I'm worried that he just wants to use me for casual sex.

I'm tempted to not go, because what's the point if he's low interest? I'm worried that he's thinking, "eh, I don't really like her, but I'll probably get some easy sex out of it."

 

He's on the site right now. I know it's not a big deal, but it still makes me feel a little bad that he's logging on so soon after our first date. Blah, it seems obvious to me he's low interest.

 

I'm wondering if it's a really bad idea for me to go on a second date, feeling going in like I kind of pushed him into it. I mean I'm like 90% certain he's not into me.

 

Eh, I just can't psych myself up for this date (assuming he calls to confirm). I feel like it's already a bad sign that he went from iming/texting me constantly before the date to not at all after the date.

 

He hasn't texted or imed me once since. I was the one to initiate our im conversaton yesterday.

 

And bear in mind that what little communication they did have, was initiated by Shadow. He went from initiating communication practically all day with her, to not initiating a thing, and only responding to her but taking forever to do so.

 

His drop in interest was obvious to everyone, Shadow included...but apparently not you??

[Star Gazer]

You aren't going to find the love of your life on a dating site the first few weeks you are on there. Slow it down girl.

 

I think lots of people make this mistake when first starting to date online. They think of it as online boyfriend/girlfriend, as opposed to just a method of meeting a date. A date. A date that might turn into a second, and third, etc.

 

I know I did the same thing!

[alphamale]

I think I'm done with online dating.

thats probably a good idea

[loverofloveandstuff]

You can meet people like this guy online and in real life though...

 

I was seeing a guy sort of like the one you describe, OP. Always me making the effort, him clearly not really caring whether he sees me or not. Those ones always get me because I'm attracted to the challenge of trying to win someone over! You deserve better.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Sorry, SAC…but you’re either willfully blind or simply not reading Shadow’s threads. To put it bluntly, you're wrong.

 

Here’s the thread where she said he guy was contacting her almost too much, to the point she wanted him to lay off. This was BEFORE their FIRST date: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244320/ He was in constant contact with her before the first date. In other words, he was showing her he was interested.

 

And here’s her reaction to his drastic drop in interest AFTER the FIRST date, and BEFORE the second date…she knew he was low interest BEFORE the second/sex date:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And bear in mind that what little communication they did have, was initiated by Shadow. He went from initiating communication practically all day with her, to not initiating a thing, and only responding to her but taking forever to do so.

 

His drop in interest was obvious to everyone, Shadow included...but apparently not you??

 

I am sorry Star but I completely disagree with you. The bits that you quoted are the ones that support your theory. There are other pieces of information in that thread that you completely ignored.

 

Yes, there was a drop in communication since before and after meeting. But there wasn't a significant enough of a drop for it to mean that he has lost interest. Everything he did in between first and second date was still consistent with someone that was still interested. Pretty much EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that thread agreed with this (apart from you). You really need to learn to remove the OP's negative emotional slant and look at the facts.

 

You skipped over the part where he IM-ed her the next day and they had a dorky chat about Scrabble. You skipped over the part where he was on a conference call during their first IM convo thus slow responses. You skipped over the past that he actually took her out on a real date.

 

I am not sure if you have online dated, but the quantity and quality of communication usually changes post meeting IF you have corresponded with someone for a long time. I never judge it to be a problem unless there is a HUGE change.

 

The guy I am currently seeing and am pretty sure is reasonably interested in me also changed his conversation habits pre and pot meeting. Pre-meeting, we corresponded every single day. Not a day went by that he didn't send me a loooooong e-mail telling me more about himself and his life.

 

After we met, this dissapeared. Not only there were no more long daily e-mails, but he called me on the third day after first date to set up the next date. We had a 15 minutes convo and that was it. He then called 2 days later to confirm (with no communication in between). Did he communicate less post meeting - ABSOLUTELY. Did this mean that he is less interested - ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

There is always communication adjustment when you transition from online to real life dating and it is completely NORMAL for the dynamic to change. Shadow's change of dynamic pre and post first date was within normal bounds. The change of dynamic between second and third date was NOT.

[Star Gazer]

I am sorry Star but I completely disagree with you. The bits that you quoted are the ones that support your theory. There are other pieces of information in that thread that you completely ignored.

 

I couldn't post the ENTIRE thread, but pretty much the entire thing was about his drastic drop in communication... He went from constant initiation of contact (to the point it actually bugged her), to NONE. ZILCH. ZIP. ZERO. He responded to Shadow, but took forever to do so. He completely stopped initiating contact. Period. THAT is an obvious, drastic drop in communication and interest. Why you can't see that is beyond me.

 

You skipped over the part where he IM-ed her the next day and they had a dorky chat about Scrabble.

 

Again, you're not reading. You mean where SHE initiated the conversation after waiting for him to do so by saying, "Hey..."?? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2983064&postcount=53)

 

You skipped over the past that he actually took her out on a real date.

 

That date that she initiated? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2983064&postcount=53) And that involved 10 minutes at a cafe and then a movie?

 

I am not sure if you have online dated, but the quantity and quality of communication usually changes post meeting IF you have corresponded with someone for a long time. I never judge it to be a problem unless there is a HUGE change.

 

In my experience, if the guy is interested, the amount of communication after the date INCREASES, regardless of how much time I spent talking with him beforehand.

 

And here, there WAS a HUGE change. READ, SAC. He went from nearly constant contact with Shadow, which he initiated, to not initiating contact with her whatsoever. How is that not a huge change to you?

 

Quite frankly, SAC... I don't think you're being a very good friend to Shadow, becuase you're encouraging her to continue thinking and behaving the way she has/is that's not healthy for her and will not help her grow and find what she's looking for. Why you do this, I have no idea... perhaps to validate your own decisions because you're so similar? Maybe because you don't know better? But it's painfully obvious to everyone that this guy just wasn't interested in her, and it showed. To suggest otherwise isn't helpful to Shadow whatsoever. You're suggesting all of the above is "normal" and to be expected. You're actually encouraging her to continue being a doormat. It's reprehensible, really. She deserves better than that.

[yah]

Please...I didn't force him to do anything with me. If he wasn't interested, he could have not sent me that message saying he had a nice time last time and would like to see me again.

 

OK, so he sent you that text. So, he didn't call and he left you wondering that day until 6:45 because.....??? He kept dragging messaging you back even tho your date was that night because....?? He wanted you to do all the work while he just sat there (and keep in mind this should still be the courting stage) because...?? He said he needed to sleep (translation: you should go now) because...??

 

Each of these was a rejection. There was more in your post too.

 

To me, yes, it was forced. If you didn't send the first txt, what do you think would've happened? Didn't seem to me he'd call, given his no-effort approach. It's like me telling someone 'let's do lunch sometime' and when the time comes I just want to drag it out hoping I wouldn't have to do it but don't have the heart to tell them. If they push (same as force) me enough and bother me enough (6:45-8pm right?) I would give in just to get it over with. Its better to just say 'no, I don't want to go' but its hard to voice it.

[Heartford]

Shadowplay, he's no good. Not for you, and frankly, by his actions, I'm quite unimpressed by him in general.

 

I've been reading all these threads about this guy, and how it's progressed. I haven't read anything you've written before hand, so I apologize if it's been discussed.

 

I read a bit about your ex, and what you went thru. What is your relationship like with your parents? Your father?

[gypsy_nicky]

so you're saying, he wanted to see me again out of guilt, because he couldn't just turn me down? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

in another possible scenario.

 

Trust me it make a lot of sense. Seen it, been in it, done it. It is very difficult to reject someone who is attracted to you, who clearly isn't unattractive, who is nice, kind etc etc. but the person just doesn't do it for you.

 

That's why you usually get threads here with guys and girls complaining about mixed signals. It usually errs on the other person not being interested but is letting out subtle signs in hopes you will get it.

[dispatch3d]

Quite frankly, SAC... I don't think you're being a very good friend to Shadow, becuase you're encouraging her to continue thinking and behaving the way she has/is that's not healthy for her and will not help her grow and find what she's looking for. Why you do this, I have no idea... perhaps to validate your own decisions because you're so similar? Maybe because you don't know better? But it's painfully obvious to everyone that this guy just wasn't interested in her, and it showed. To suggest otherwise isn't helpful to Shadow whatsoever. You're suggesting all of the above is "normal" and to be expected. You're actually encouraging her to continue being a doormat. It's reprehensible, really. She deserves better than that.

 

Uncalled for . SACWA is giving the best advice she knows how to. Noone here is here for evil.

 

Play nice!

[theBrokenMuse]

Why am I never good enough?

 

You will be 'good enough' the moment you have the realization that particular distinction must be made completely independent of outside sources.

[shadowplay]

I couldn't post the ENTIRE thread, but pretty much the entire thing was about his drastic drop in communication... He went from constant initiation of contact (to the point it actually bugged her), to NONE. ZILCH. ZIP. ZERO. He responded to Shadow, but took forever to do so. He completely stopped initiating contact. Period. THAT is an obvious, drastic drop in communication and interest. Why you can't see that is beyond me.

 

 

 

Again, you're not reading. You mean where SHE initiated the conversation after waiting for him to do so by saying, "Hey..."?? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2983064&postcount=53)

 

 

 

That date that she initiated? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2983064&postcount=53) And that involved 10 minutes at a cafe and then a movie?

 

 

 

In my experience, if the guy is interested, the amount of communication after the date INCREASES, regardless of how much time I spent talking with him beforehand.

 

And here, there WAS a HUGE change. READ, SAC. He went from nearly constant contact with Shadow, which he initiated, to not initiating contact with her whatsoever. How is that not a huge change to you?

 

Quite frankly, SAC... I don't think you're being a very good friend to Shadow, becuase you're encouraging her to continue thinking and behaving the way she has/is that's not healthy for her and will not help her grow and find what she's looking for. Why you do this, I have no idea... perhaps to validate your own decisions because you're so similar? Maybe because you don't know better? But it's painfully obvious to everyone that this guy just wasn't interested in her, and it showed. To suggest otherwise isn't helpful to Shadow whatsoever. You're suggesting all of the above is "normal" and to be expected. You're actually encouraging her to continue being a doormat. It's reprehensible, really. She deserves better than that.

 

I don't know Star. I gave him like no time to initiate after our first date, since I imed him first thing the next morning. After that point he did all the initiating. He imed me two more times before the second date, and we had long conversations in which he seemed interested in getting to know me. He was the one to suggest movie and a dinner. I was the one to shorten dinner to a quick chat at a cafe. He was the one to choose the movie. Also, he called me early in the day before our second date to confirm and ask me where I wanted to go for dinner.

 

Besides, I thought you thought he lost interest because of my crazy behavior on the second date?

[shadowplay]

OK, so he sent you that text. So, he didn't call and he left you wondering that day until 6:45 because.....??? He kept dragging messaging you back even tho your date was that night because....?? He wanted you to do all the work while he just sat there (and keep in mind this should still be the courting stage) because...?? He said he needed to sleep (translation: you should go now) because...??

 

Each of these was a rejection. There was more in your post too.

 

To me, yes, it was forced. If you didn't send the first txt, what do you think would've happened? Didn't seem to me he'd call, given his no-effort approach. It's like me telling someone 'let's do lunch sometime' and when the time comes I just want to drag it out hoping I wouldn't have to do it but don't have the heart to tell them. If they push (same as force) me enough and bother me enough (6:45-8pm right?) I would give in just to get it over with. Its better to just say 'no, I don't want to go' but its hard to voice it.

 

then why'd he bother suggesting we meet again at all? He could have simply not done that. Nobody forced him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Uncalled for . SACWA is giving the best advice she knows how to. Noone here is here for evil.

 

Play nice!

 

Thank you dispath3d, much appreciated.

 

Geeez Star, I NEVER said that this guy is into her after this date. I did think there was still some hope after the date before as did many of the other posters.

 

I am not going to argue with you over this anymore especially since you are now playing dirty.

 

I will just say this, I never have and never would deliberately mislead anyone, let alone someone I like as much as I like Shadow.

[shadowplay]

OK, I'm posting here instead of doing something really impulsive. Guys stop me, please. I'm feeling pretty miserable today, and I was suddenly overcome with this urge to text this guy again and basically ask if he just wants to hook up. I know it's a terrible idea. Please tell me why. Right now just feel so lonely/sad.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Confession time:

 

 

I did something like this last night

 

I so WISH I have posted on here before I did it.

 

I had almost a bottle of wine and it was past 11am. I texted the politician guy *cringe cringe*.

 

Keep in mind that last few weeks he has texted me occasionally with "how are you" and "how have you been" but nothing more than that.

 

11pm me: "hey how are you?"

 

11:30pm (no reply) so me again: "Do you want to catch up sometime?"

 

11:33pm him: Yeah, I can't do this week though so how about next?

 

11:34pm me: Cool, I am free towards the end of next week, let's grab a drink

11:36pm him: Sounds like a plan!

11.37pm me: Awesome!

 

-------------------------

 

Here it gets even worse. Note: still drunk

 

12:01am me (somebody shoot me): Actually you can think about it by next week, the last thing I want to do is pressure you into it. :sick::sick:

 

NOTHING for 30 minutes

 

12:30am him: I am going to bed, goodnight

12:31am me: good night

 

12:41am me: sleep well

 

12:45am him: you too

 

12 47am him: how is your project going? (he is talking about work)

 

12:48am me: blah blah blah blah

 

12:50am him: blah blah bah blah (just some work stuff, boring)

12:51am me: I have another 5am start tomorrow

 

12:52am him: Jesus go to sleep then!!!!!!!

 

12:53am me: good night (again)

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

Guys, I woke up this morning absolutely CRINGING about this. I feel awful.

 

The guy I am currently dating hasn't contacted me in almost 2 days too.

 

Don't do it Shadow. There is no good that can come from this.

 

 

He will either say:

 

a) NO

b) Yes to string you along when he really means no

c) Yes but you will feel like you have forced him into it

d) Yes and you will have sex but you will end up feeling horrible becaue you want more

 

I don't see how any of a, b,c or d can have a positive outcome

[Star Gazer]

I will just say this, I never have and never would deliberately mislead anyone, let alone someone I like as much as I like Shadow.

 

I never said it was deliberate or with ill intent. But up until your newest post immediately above telling her not to contact this guy, I don't think you've done her any favors by encouraging her to hang on to hope and behave as she has.

[Star Gazer]

I was suddenly overcome with this urge to text this guy again and basically ask if he just wants to hook up. I know it's a terrible idea. Please tell me why. Right now just feel so lonely/sad.

 

Why do you think that would male you feel better??