LisaLee Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 OK, I'm posting here instead of doing something really impulsive. Guys stop me, please. I'm feeling pretty miserable today, and I was suddenly overcome with this urge to text this guy again and basically ask if he just wants to hook up. I know it's a terrible idea. Please tell me why. Right now just feel so lonely/sad. Shadow, just think about the responses you will receive if your next thread starts with "So I caved and texted OKC guy..."
SilentVoice Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Please don't do that . You will feel worse when he doesn't reply, I know I did.And he does reply . You will only feel more into him after the deed
eerie_reverie Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 (edited) If I, who three years ago followed an ex around campus for a day after he refused to reply to my emails, have the willpower not to contact my ex at all, despite living alone and having gotten ZERO phone calls from anyone all weekend, surely y'all can avoid messaging these dudes, too. Just remember how crushing it feels being on the receiving end of all that apathy. Or silence. Then remember what you are looking for. And how you're regressing each time you seek out someone who can't give it to you. Edited September 21, 2010 by eerie_reverie
bac Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 OK, I'm posting here instead of doing something really impulsive. Guys stop me, please. I'm feeling pretty miserable today, and I was suddenly overcome with this urge to text this guy again and basically ask if he just wants to hook up. I know it's a terrible idea. Please tell me why. Right now just feel so lonely/sad. Shadow, Sadandconfused, I am seeing now the same type of guy as you do. His behavior is exactly the same as behavior of your guys. But, I am different from you because I just want to have sex with the guy. First, he was so so enthusiastic, but now he is slowly vanishing. I am not serious about him and I do not mind him vanishing after I use him for sex, but we did not have sex yet. That does annoy me that I had 3 dates with him and it was a waste of time. I mean I did not even f...k the guy.
D-Lish Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Shadow, delete his number from your phone so you aren't tempted. Nothing good would come out of texting him. You've already come to terms with the fact that it would be bad idea to ask him for a hook up- so simply don't do it... It really is as simple as that!
atlnay Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Shadow, Sadandconfused, I am seeing now the same type of guy as you do. His behavior is exactly the same as behavior of your guys. But, I am different from you because I just want to have sex with the guy. First, he was so so enthusiastic, but now he is slowly vanishing. I am not serious about him and I do not mind him vanishing after I use him for sex, but we did not have sex yet. That does annoy me that I had 3 dates with him and it was a waste of time. I mean I did not even f...k the guy. Does he know that's all you want to do? Make that clear to him and I bet he'll get super enthusiastic...lol
BobSacamento Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 The guy had a simple plan: "I'm going to put as little effort into this as possible" ...like a moth to a flame. When you text him you only boost his ego more. The bigger his ego gets the less effort he's going to put into it. He almost had you too.
elaina Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Shadow, It's hard to be lonely and sad, but chasing after a guy doesn't make the loneliness and sadness go away. Think about something else that you really like. Do you like to draw? Do you like science fiction or drama or mystery books? Find something that you like and enjoy it! When he pops up into your thoughts, think something like "I don't want this guy if he doesn't want me. He has to prove to me that he really wants me and likes me, and me chasing him down won't make that happen, because I can't force him and I don't want to force him, so I'm going to let him go and I'm going to wait for a man who does like me to come and sweep me off my feet." And then, don't you dare start thinking you don't deserve a man to come and woo you, cause you do deserve a man who likes you for who you are! Instead, think happy thoughts and enjoy time, because soon, it is very possible that you're not going to have time to yourself! Look at the cup half-full, not half-empty! There's a quote that I don't know who says it or how it goes exactly, but it something like "don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." Don't consider yourself in the negative. Think on the positive, and spend the time waiting for the man who likes you (and he is out there) enjoying things that you like to do. Have you heard that song "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble? Memorize it. It fits what you're going through, I think.
Author shadowplay Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 thanks guys. I wrote that early this evening, when I was in withdrawal from forgetting to bring my antidepressants with me when I left for the university. It's a brutal drug that turns you into a freak if you miss it for a day. Since taking them this evening, the urge has entirely passed.
Author shadowplay Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Shadow, delete his number from your phone so you aren't tempted. Nothing good would come out of texting him. You've already come to terms with the fact that it would be bad idea to ask him for a hook up- so simply don't do it... It really is as simple as that! Already did a few days ago (delete his number). In my crazy moment earlier, I contemplated reenabling my OKC account and sending him a message on there. Thank god I took my medication and also posted this before acting on impulse!
bac Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 Does he know that's all you want to do? Make that clear to him and I bet he'll get super enthusiastic...lol I would think so, but IRL men are so so weird. They are so strange. They see everything differently than I do. He has some kind of social anxiety. I told him twice that I want to come to his place and that I want to kiss/make out. Is not that clear? What is he afraid of? We did it before and he was horny about me. Then, we went out, and there were some mild communication problems. But, I do not care for his social skills since I know that he can get hard.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 they say that experience is a good teacher. If the OP wants to find out if this behavior she will engage in will benefit/not benefit her, she may as well give it another try and see what happens. It may give her better insight into herself. Or maybe not.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Well, I got my head on straight and didn't send that text I was considering. Thank God! You guys helped convince me too. I am firmly moving on from this experience, but also resolved to learn from my mistakes. That said, I'm unsure about whether I should go on a date with another guy from the site. We have a lot of online chemistry for whatever that's worth, and I really like his profile and messages. He's a 32-year-old non-fiction writer, working on a PhD, who divides his time between NYC and a place about 1.5 hours from where I live. He's willing to come up next week to my town for a meet and chat (I don't have a car). I'm of two minds: 1) It could derail me like the other dating experience did and distract from other things I need to work on. I'm extremely busy with working on my thesis and my job. 2) I shouldn't avoid something just because I fear it. I don't want to give up just because the last guy hurt me. Thoughts?
donnamaybe Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Well, Shadow, if you've learned something from the last experience and think you can handle this dating situation better, why not? It would be good practice for some new skills to try.
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I don't think you should date until you can confidently say that you no longer seek external validation. Until then, you may "play by the rules" but you'll be anxious and insecure and unhappy...and ultimately will act crazy again. You can't find happiness in a relationship until you're truly happy with YOURSELF. You're not.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 I don't think you should date until you can confidently say that you no longer seek external validation. Until then, you may "play by the rules" but you'll be anxious and insecure and unhappy...and ultimately will act crazy again. You can't find happiness in a relationship until you're truly happy with YOURSELF. You're not. Hey Star, do you think I should take a break from dating too? (since above applies to me as well)...
Star Gazer Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 Hey Star, do you think I should take a break from dating too? (since above applies to me as well)... Actually, no. A short pause to reset and ground your feet to reality, perhaps...but I see something different in you. Plus, I think things are going better with your guy than you realize.
johan Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Hey Star, do you think I should take a break from dating too? (since above applies to me as well)... I think you probably should. Until you're psychologically perfect, I wouldn't get involved with anyone.
Star Gazer Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I think you probably should. Until you're psychologically perfect, I wouldn't get involved with anyone. That's not what I was suggesting with Shadow, and you know it.
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