Author spookie Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 spook, he gave you enough clues about himself to determine that he's not what you need. In maintaining an almost casual relationship with him, it gave him the impression that you were like minded. I think and most likely maybe you'll disagree, that next time if you want something from someone, it's best to give the impression of what works for you. I think too many people are so concerned about "getting" their partner, pretending to be cool about important things, that they lose sight of what they want and need. This doesn't mean you become a cling-on and needy as hell, since much of it is based on reasonability and the impact of shifting perceptions. TBF, you are completely spot-on with this analysis. Early red flags that deserved at least some discussion included: -when I asked him, about 4 months in, whether we were in a relationship, and he responded, "I think it's going real good." -when we were hammered about 5 months in with his friends, and he started talking about how he dumped his ex cause she wanted commitment, but I was so awesome cause he could just "have fun" with me -all the times he said serious relationships were stupid for people (aka himself) under 30 Rather than evaluating what he was telling me in each of these instances and possibly questioning further, every single time, I'd just burst into tears, and then apologize for being dramatic and crazy when I start drinking. The truth is, I didn't WANT to head the truth. A part of me thought I could get close enough to him to make him trust me (which of course I attempted by being "understanding" and showing him how much I "get" him), so he could change his mind about relationships. At least, change his mind about ours. But mainly, I just didn't want to deal with the fact that this cute funny guy whom I was having such a great time with, who treated me better than average (better than my freinds get treated by men, anyway) was really just passing the time.
Author spookie Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Spook, you can do better than this corporate jock. I'm proud of you. Thanks, Shadow. In college, I had an aversion to business students AND frat boys. I went to a large state school replete with these kinda guys (as did he) and, though I don't like to stereotype, most of them seemed like self-absorbed, shallow a-holes to me. Who woulda thought I'd get so worked up over one just a couple years later.
Author spookie Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I cannot believe this POS. He lives 10 minutes away but manages to be 15 minutes late (so far) in addition to being 2 hours late in the first place. just venting
Author spookie Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Now he's 40 minutes late, and of course, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate , cause I'm pissed, I'm concerned something happened to him, and I can't get the image of him fcvkign someone else out of my mind.
shadowplay Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Now he's 40 minutes late, and of course, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate , cause I'm pissed, I'm concerned something happened to him, and I can't get the image of him fcvkign someone else out of my mind. get on aim
Land Shark Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Now he's 40 minutes late, and of course, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate , cause I'm pissed, I'm concerned something happened to him, and I can't get the image of him fcvkign someone else out of my mind. He's fine. Go to sleep.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 tell him to go eff himself! not only has he always done this late thing to you - but your still allowing him to do this AFTER you break up? he still disrespects you even after... geez, just tell him to leave the stuff by the front door while your away... or sleeping. seriously, now it looks like he wants his last booty call - which is the way it seems like it was all along anyway. he's just trying for one last shot. don't give him the time of day Spook... he's a total dork!!!!!!!! and it might make you feel better to tell him that too!
Land Shark Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think they are naked in her bed right now.
shadowplay Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think they are naked in her bed right now. I think you are right.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 And after this little rant, I texted, "sure". I have a real fear of not being nice. he's not nice by always being late - why do you think you need to be nice when he's such an *ss? he can come by - you never said you'd answer the door... just noticing what your time must be - oh please Spook - tell us you didn't sleep with him again?
Land Shark Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 just noticing what your time must be - oh please Spook - tell us you didn't sleep with him again? He's getting a nice reward for his bad behavior.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 He's getting a nice reward for his bad behavior. crap. no wonder he doesn't need to make the effort for her. and no wonder he comes by so late...
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Spookie - what's the latest? did he come by - what happened?
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 Y'all nailed it. So much for my being strong. He came over about 10:45, after I had already turned out the lights and gotten in bed. He gave me back my stuff, then started talking about how he wasn't sure we had made the right decision breaking up, that it had caught him by surprise. He said he thought everything was going well, then out of nowhere, we were over, but that it was his fault for failing to get me more involved in his life. I told him it wasn't really his fault, we were just on different pages, and there was probably always an expiration date on our relationship. He kept reiterating how much he liked me, how much I meant to him, how he had changed into a better person since meeting me; and how other busy people made relationships work, and he could make more effort. Are you sure about this? he kept asking. I dodged the question, but we wound up sitting on the couch anyway. He held my hand as we chatted about our weeks. Eventually, he began to kiss me, then we did it on the couch. He slept over and we cuddled all night. Haven't heard from him since, so I am chaulking it up to he was horny, and operating on the assumption that we're still broken up. The weekend is coming up and we've not made plans. I must say, this whole "relationship" is not good for my recovering alcoholism. While we were actually "together", I was doing so good, going weeks without going out at all, and drinking 2 or 3 beers like a normal person when I did. This last week, though, I've been going out HARD every night. I hadn't even realized I still had it in me. Yesterday we had a departmental outing at a bowling alley starting at 11 AM, and I bullied a couple of work friends into staying out with me past midnight, at which point I crashed in the parking lot.
2sunny Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Spook - don't beat yourself up over this. just start again. did you tell him goodbye when he left, like you won't see him again? do not drink - just for today... decisions made while drinking are not going to be favorable for you... for the guy. start NC. he knew if he came over late enough you may say yes - especially if you'd had a few drinks. he always comes over with HIS agenda, never makes time for you and to actually plan a date just for the two of you going out. he's USING you - and YOU are allowing it. as long as you say yes to seeing him, this is all the effort he's gonna make (booty call). just tell him no. don't answer his contact. you have your stuff - now start taking care of YOUR best interest. this allows you to move forward and find someone who is available and WANTS to make you the priority.
Author spookie Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Ugh, I feel like s!ht tonight. I can't believe I haven't heard from him. After kissing me so gently on the forehead, telling me how much he cares, and cuddling with me all night, it's Friday, I don't know where he is/ what he's doing, and the prospect of spending the weekend alone makes me feel so lonely and empty. I actually broke down and gave him a call a couple of hours ago, but of course, he didn't pick up. So much for being strong. I miss him so much that I'm just breaking.
ComeUndone Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Ugh, I feel like s!ht tonight. I can't believe I haven't heard from him. After kissing me so gently on the forehead, telling me how much he cares, and cuddling with me all night, it's Friday, I don't know where he is/ what he's doing, and the prospect of spending the weekend alone makes me feel so lonely and empty. I know how you feel. Something about weekends and alone time give me major anxiety. I imagine everyone else out there with their plans, friends, SO's or whatever, and it just makes me feel so alone. The real underlying issue is that I shouldn't be reliant on anyone else to bring me happiness, to make me feel I am important and interesting and fun to be around. I now am working to make myself more self-reliant, because I am truly all I have in this world after all. I have to learn to be happy from within. A bit of a rant there.... just wanted to tell ya I understand what you are going through. What someone very important in my life once said to me: it's not about what he says but what he does. Actions baby. If he tells you how important you are in his life but then does not treat you accordingly, what does that show you? Don't put importance on his words, put importance on his actions. He is not making you a priority - HE is the priority, and there's just no room for you at the top of his list. I actually broke down and gave him a call a couple of hours ago, but of course, he didn't pick up. What a shock. Actions. Don't let your feelings for him cloud your better judgement. You know he's not treating you how you deserve to be treated. So much for being strong. I miss him so much that I'm just breaking. I understand sweetie, I truly do. It's times like this where it seems HE is the only one who can bring us comfort... don't give him that much power. Don't call him anymore... and don't respond to you him if he calls or texts. Take your power back. Just give yourself a break from him, even if only for a while... and don't feel like you're being mean, because you are not. You need to put yourself first... and that's what he does after all, right? Stay strong!
pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Ugh, I feel like s!ht tonight. I can't believe I haven't heard from him. After kissing me so gently on the forehead, telling me how much he cares, and cuddling with me all night, it's Friday, I don't know where he is/ what he's doing, and the prospect of spending the weekend alone makes me feel so lonely and empty. I actually broke down and gave him a call a couple of hours ago, but of course, he didn't pick up. So much for being strong. I miss him so much that I'm just breaking. Don't beat yourself up over this -- stuff like this happens and it's OK. You had your "farewell sex." It happens. I think what helped me with my break up is looking at the short-term and long-term. Short-term: it hurts like hell and you just want them back! Long-term: is this the person you see yourself building a life with? I love my ex, but he's a workaholic. I don't want to be with one. This guy seems pretty yawn to me. Everyone is nice and cool. Is there anything that makes him exceptional? Yeah, I didn't think so.
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