Update on "I feel like I'm single"

[spookie]

We finally talked.

 

Granted, it was 11 by the time he finally came over (not 5 like he promised) and at that point, I had been drinking for the better half of the day... but I still managed to say everything that I wanted.

 

Which was that I wanted to break up because I didn't feel like our relationship was going anywhere. Because I felt single.

 

The really surprising part was that he did not try to make me feel crazy AT ALL. He accepted responsibility for making me feel that way, and apologized. I think it goes to show how low my expectations are, that I honestly thought he would laugh at me when I said I was looking for a relationship, not FWB, but he said he understood, and that he'd been having doubts, too, about staying with me, because he didn't know whether he could be a good boyfriend.

 

Anyway, we are going to continue the discussion, re: whether we're gonna s!ht or get off the pot, so to speak. A long-overdue he needs, she needs conversation. I still think that it's over, but I am glad that we will be going our separate ways with respect for each other (and ourselves) intact.

[bobdole]

Nothing thrown and smashed against a wall? Well it went well then imo.

 

I would think amicable breakups are the best. I phrase it that way because I've ever had a single one. Every breakup I've had - lots of yelling, hurt feelings, and on my last one with bipolar girl - objects thrown at me...

[Ruby Slippers]

Anyway, we are going to continue the discussion, re: whether we're gonna s!ht or get off the pot, so to speak. A long-overdue he needs, she needs conversation. I still think that it's over, but I am glad that we will be going our separate ways with respect for each other (and ourselves) intact.

Sorry, but what are you talking about? You broke up with him. Nothing more to say.

 

Do you want breakup sex? Save your dignity. It's over.

 

(Sorry to be blunt, but I think you're in denial.)

 

Breakups suck. *hug*

[spookie]

Sorry, but what are you talking about? You broke up with him. Nothing more to say.

 

Do you want breakup sex? Save your dignity. It's over.

 

(Sorry to be blunt, but I think you're in denial.)

 

Breakups suck. *hug*

 

Well, last night he said, "Are you sure about this, or do you just feel like you don't have any other options?" and I said it was the latter.

 

I WOULD stay with him, if he could give me what I want. At this point, I just don't believe that he can. This is what we're going to talk about tomorrow.

 

I won't resent him if he says that he can't be involved right now, but I think he does deserve a chance to decide whether or not he wants to make it work.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sorry, bad move. You gave him all the power to say yes or no.

 

Why on earth?

[threebyfate]

Nope. Spookie was quite clever. Can't or won't meet it. Cya.

[spookie]

Sorry, bad move. You gave him all the power to say yes or no.

 

Why on earth?

 

I don't see it as "giving up power" to tell him what I'm looking for.

 

We have been casual up to this point; the only explicit obligations on the table have been exclusivity and monogramy. But for an LTR, that's not enough. For example, I also need to know the relationship is moving forward and he's committed to making it work; and I need to feel like we're part of each other's lives.

 

I am finally starting to clarify what I am looking for, and to demand that all these needs be met, too, as a requirement for staying with me.

 

Perhaps the discussion will be too little too late. I am guessing most of this stuff should have been hashed out months ago.

 

But better late than never. I don't think he will be willing to make the effort, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have this conversation before throwing in the towel. I am glad he is willing to be honest and open, rather than turning into an immature jerk as people tend to do during confrontations.

[spookie]

Nope. Spookie was quite clever. Can't or won't meet it. Cya.

 

Thanks!

 

 

......................................

[SadandConfusedWA]

You have done well spookie. This way, either you will have a real relationship or it's over. I still think it will most likely be over, but it beats living in a limbo.

[2sunny]

i think you did quite well. don't back down on what you expect or need to be happy.

 

also, don't be surprised when he doesn't come around for the next "talk" - most guys would avoid that one at all cost.

 

he knows what you need - he doesn't look like he's jumping for joy to make sure that happens - so expect to just never hear from him... and let that silence speak the words he won't want to have to say to you.

 

i think your attitude about it all is very mature! give yourself a pat on the back for stating what YOU need to be happy - and not being willing to compromise your happiness to settle for half of what you want.

[Ruby Slippers]

You've definitely done well. I hope the amicable tone continues. Be strong, girlie! You are awesome, and the right man for you will see that.

[Satisfaction]

I'm a bit concerned that you spent the whole time drinking waiting for him. I think you need to change your dating habits so its not such a source of misery for you. I know that there is not much that can be done in this situation but from now on you should try to change the way you date. Try to avoid men who treat your emotions like some unfortunate side effect of getting sex. By that I mean avoiding guys who are nice only to get what they want. Its hard at first because how can you know what a guy will do or how he will change? The key is to take time to know someone first and walk away if you find you are putting in all the work or you are constantly trying to get their attention.

After a while it is easy to pick out who is rubbish and avoid them.

[D-Lish]

I'm a bit concerned that you spent the whole time drinking waiting for him. I think you need to change your dating habits so its not such a source of misery for you. I know that there is not much that can be done in this situation but from now on you should try to change the way you date. Try to avoid men who treat your emotions like some unfortunate side effect of getting sex. By that I mean avoiding guys who are nice only to get what they want. Its hard at first because how can you know what a guy will do or how he will change? The key is to take time to know someone first and walk away if you find you are putting in all the work or you are constantly trying to get their attention.

After a while it is easy to pick out who is rubbish and avoid them.

 

 

Meh, Spookie drinks, and does some self medicating- that's who she is. You have to know her, know her back story, to know she's come such a long, long, way.

[Star Gazer]

I still think that it's over, but I am glad that we will be going our separate ways with respect for each other (and ourselves) intact.

 

It's weird to say this on the eve of what's most likely going to be a breakup, but I'm really, really happy for you, Spook. You'll see. This will be one of the best things that ever happened to you.

[torranceshipman]

We finally talked.

 

Granted, it was 11 by the time he finally came over (not 5 like he promised) and at that point, I had been drinking for the better half of the day... but I still managed to say everything that I wanted.

 

Which was that I wanted to break up because I didn't feel like our relationship was going anywhere. Because I felt single.

 

The really surprising part was that he did not try to make me feel crazy AT ALL. He accepted responsibility for making me feel that way, and apologized. I think it goes to show how low my expectations are, that I honestly thought he would laugh at me when I said I was looking for a relationship, not FWB, but he said he understood, and that he'd been having doubts, too, about staying with me, because he didn't know whether he could be a good boyfriend.

 

Anyway, we are going to continue the discussion, re: whether we're gonna s!ht or get off the pot, so to speak. A long-overdue he needs, she needs conversation. I still think that it's over, but I am glad that we will be going our separate ways with respect for each other (and ourselves) intact.

 

Good for you! Next time speak up much earlier so a guy never leaves you wondering like this again.

 

I wouldn't bother continuing the discussion with him - it's already over and best to cut ties. You'll stay friends that way too.

[spookie]

Thanks, y'all.

 

I have been feeling so great about myself for speaking up at all, that I'm forgetting all the other reasons (other than neglect, that is) that I want to end it.

 

Could it be that everything else is a direct result of my not seeing much of him, and our bad communication? For example, I don't feel an emotional connection; we don't have that bond I've experienced with other partners and close friends (and my boss) where we can finish each other's sentences, and we always know what the other person is feeling. Is it possible this could improve if we started acting like we were in a relationship together? Or, if it's missing after 10 months, we just weren't meant to connect that way?

 

I went into this 100% convinced I wanted the R to be over, but based on his actions yesterday, it seems like he thinks it's as simple as him modifying his behavior a little bit. He gave me a call goodnight last night, and invited me to a chili cookoff with his grad friends for today. WTF? I thought we were breaking up today......

 

I am afraid my resolve isn't as strong as I'm letting on. He is DAMN cute. He has such pretty eyes: a layer of light brown, circled by a layer of blue. I find him irresistible when he's standing in front of me.

[threebyfate]

spook, with you it's all about perception. When you're feeling negative, shift to worse case scenario. When you're feeling positive, shift to best case scenario.

 

Is there any way that you can shift to a more moderate position and logically analyse?

[spookie]

spook, with you it's all about perception. When you're feeling negative, shift to worse case scenario. When you're feeling positive, shift to best case scenario.

 

Is there any way that you can shift to a more moderate position and logically analyse?

 

Ugh. I am soo trying to analyze logically, rather than being swayed by my swiftly-changing emotions.

 

The bottom line about this R is that he isn't the person I want to be with.

 

But the person I want to be with doesn't want to be with me. So what does that mean?

 

I was really hoping he would check out after our talk, so I didn't need to analyze further.

[Pink Cupcakes]

I think the good-night phone call and invitation to the chili cookoff is a good sign. He is trying to become more connected to you. He obviously cares about you and wants to make it work.

This doesn't mean you should stay with him. You have to go with what will make you happy.

 

 

Thanks, y'all.

 

I have been feeling so great about myself for speaking up at all, that I'm forgetting all the other reasons (other than neglect, that is) that I want to end it.

 

Could it be that everything else is a direct result of my not seeing much of him, and our bad communication? For example, I don't feel an emotional connection; we don't have that bond I've experienced with other partners and close friends (and my boss) where we can finish each other's sentences, and we always know what the other person is feeling. Is it possible this could improve if we started acting like we were in a relationship together? Or, if it's missing after 10 months, we just weren't meant to connect that way?

 

I went into this 100% convinced I wanted the R to be over, but based on his actions yesterday, it seems like he thinks it's as simple as him modifying his behavior a little bit. He gave me a call goodnight last night, and invited me to a chili cookoff with his grad friends for today. WTF? I thought we were breaking up today......

 

I am afraid my resolve isn't as strong as I'm letting on. He is DAMN cute. He has such pretty eyes: a layer of light brown, circled by a layer of blue. I find him irresistible when he's standing in front of me.

[threebyfate]

Ugh. I am soo trying to analyze logically, rather than being swayed by my swiftly-changing emotions.

 

The bottom line about this R is that he isn't the person I want to be with.

 

But the person I want to be with doesn't want to be with me. So what does that mean?

 

I was really hoping he would check out after our talk, so I didn't need to analyze further.

Does this grind down to trust and respect?

[2sunny]

I went into this 100% convinced I wanted the R to be over, but based on his actions yesterday, it seems like he thinks it's as simple as him modifying his behavior a little bit. He gave me a call goodnight last night, and invited me to a chili cookoff with his grad friends for today. WTF? I thought we were breaking up today......

 

keep your goal in mind. do NOT make him your priority if he doesn't consistently make a TON of effort to see you! make it clear to him - that you also will be making time for "others" who make the effort for you as well. that's fair - and honest of you!

 

it allows you to see what else you have as opportunities to date. it isn't misleading, and gives you time to see what effort cutie guy brings to the table for you...

 

make sure YOU keep your opportunities and options open. he becomes your OPTION at this juncture... since you have told him that you need more than he has been willing to offer. IF he makes the effort consistently and asks for a commitment - THEN consider it at that time.

 

i think you're doing well - are you going to the chili cookoff? does that mean YOU have to travel to be with him? if so, grrrrrr... if not - yay!

[torranceshipman]

If he isn't the one, and he is also causing you trauma, I say just let this one go...

[spookie]

Does this grind down to trust and respect?

 

To an extent. But my trust has been on the rise after he shared that the ex he left for me had cheated on him repeatedly.

 

It's just that both of these key elements are present in higher quantities with my boss. In conjunction to the "emotional connection", they are the reasons I am so hung up on the guy.

 

It would probably be easier to have a relationship (with or without him) if I wasn't working for him. I've held on this long tho, it won't kill me to wait a few more months till I am credentialed and can therefore demand a higher pay when looking for another job.

[spookie]

keep your goal in mind. do NOT make him your priority if he doesn't consistently make a TON of effort to see you! make it clear to him - that you also will be making time for "others" who make the effort for you as well. that's fair - and honest of you!

 

it allows you to see what else you have as opportunities to date. it isn't misleading, and gives you time to see what effort cutie guy brings to the table for you...

 

make sure YOU keep your opportunities and options open. he becomes your OPTION at this juncture... since you have told him that you need more than he has been willing to offer. IF he makes the effort consistently and asks for a commitment - THEN consider it at that time.

 

i think you're doing well - are you going to the chili cookoff? does that mean YOU have to travel to be with him? if so, grrrrrr... if not - yay!

 

In theory, this is exactly what I want. I would like to see what else is out there.

 

But I don't think it's possible to back-peddle on exclusivity. We had agreed not to date other people from the beginning. I am not sure i would be comfortable with him dating others, and I think my demand to, would enrage him. We're both the jealous types.

[threebyfate]

To an extent. But my trust has been on the rise after he shared that the ex he left for me had cheated on him repeatedly.

 

It's just that both of these key elements are present in higher quantities with my boss. In conjunction to the "emotional connection", they are the reasons I am so hung up on the guy.

 

It would probably be easier to have a relationship (with or without him) if I wasn't working for him. I've held on this long tho, it won't kill me to wait a few more months till I am credentialed and can therefore demand a higher pay when looking for another job.

spook, back to facts again. There's no romantic emotional connection with your boss. You told him how you felt and he didn't do anything about it beyond treating you as a valued employee.

 

You have a fantasized ideal of your boss which no one in real life can compare with.

 

But I'm not convinced your current guy has it in him to be what you need. Short term lip service doesn't usually last long. It's up to you whether you want to wait to give him an honest chance or not. If you're not going to give him an honest chance, don't bother.