Update on "I feel like I'm single"

[tigressA]

I don't know. The reason I broke up with him was that he was making it clear, first implicitly, and then explicitly during our conversation, that he was not willing to factor in my needs at all in his decision-making process, for at least as long as he's in school.

 

Does his text imply he's changed his mind?

 

To me it means that he just misses having someone around. It's nice to have someone there to go out with, to have sex with, and so on. If a person can get that without having to really put any effort in, then most likely they will. If you try with him again I highly doubt things will change for the better.

 

I've had thoughts that echo that text too, but really it was just because I felt lonely. Not lonely without them, but...just lonely.

[threebyfate]

spook, I'm sure he does miss the security, sex and caring you've given to him. But take note that it's all about him...one more time.

[spookie]

spook, I'm sure he does miss the security, sex and caring you've given to him. But take note that it's all about him...one more time.

 

Ugh, so what am I supposed to do? If I'm not entertaining the notion of getting back together, I really don't want to see him, as we parted on a good note and I really don't want to ruin that memory by being a sobbing trainwreck tonight. It will just set me that much further back.

 

I texted him that I'll be home after 8:30 if he wants to come over... now I am thinking I should text back sorry, I haven't changed my mind, and I'm not ready to see you yet. Is that ok?

[tigressA]

Just tell him to leave your stuff outside your door. Don't knock, don't ring the doorbell, etc. Have a time set for him to come and drop it off. This way you don't have to deal with him face to face and you can still leave things on good terms.

[threebyfate]

Just tell him to leave your stuff outside your door. Don't knock, don't ring the doorbell, etc. Have a time set for him to come and drop it off. This way you don't have to deal with him face to face and you can still leave things on good terms.

I would normally agree with this but she's already texted him to come over at 8:30.

 

Ugh, so what am I supposed to do? If I'm not entertaining the notion of getting back together, I really don't want to see him, as we parted on a good note and I really don't want to ruin that memory by being a sobbing trainwreck tonight. It will just set me that much further back.

 

I texted him that I'll be home after 8:30 if he wants to come over... now I am thinking I should text back sorry, I haven't changed my mind, and I'm not ready to see you yet. Is that ok?

If you want to keep things on good terms, you're going to have to bite the bullet and see him. But you've also got to remain firm in your convictions to not fold, if he pulls more appeal to emotion phrases like "I haven't been sleeping", etc.

 

See him clearly spook. It's all about him. Is this the type of relationship you want? To be viewed as solely an extension of him? Or do you want to be free and find yourself someone who enjoys loving, caring and sharing?

[Ruby Slippers]

Take your stuff back, tell him, "Yes, I'm sure I made the right decision," then show him out.

 

I'm sorry, but everything you have written about this guy suggests you are a warm body to him, and not much more. Is that really enough for you?

[spookie]

I don't know what I am to him, but I really dread seeing him. I'm afraid I'm going to crack and we'll end up in bed.

 

Please pray that I can just get my s!ht from him and make him leave.

[2sunny]

Just tell him to leave your stuff outside your door. Don't knock, don't ring the doorbell, etc. Have a time set for him to come and drop it off. This way you don't have to deal with him face to face and you can still leave things on good terms.

 

i think this is the best plan. have him drop your things when you know you won't be home. or just tell him to keep your stuff or give it away.

 

IF you cave now and sleep with him - you send him a clear message that he can use you by just showing his face. that's not what you want.

 

IF he states again "is this what you want?" tell him - NO! - NO, i told you i wanted you - and you all the time - but YOU said you didn't have time for me... so it's over! be clear. stand firm! IF he wants you that much - he will make time and find time. all busy men do!

 

you go girl!

[Pink Cupcakes]

I think you should ignore his texts, and not see him, until he makes a grand gesture, or several, including a declaration of love. A grand gesture is like showing up at your doorstep with flowers and saying "I love you and don't want to lose you." Then, he would continue by following it up with corresponding actions of making you a part of his life and showing you he cares and loves you.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should ignore his texts, and not see him, until he makes a grand gesture, or several, including a declaration of love. A grand gesture is like showing up at your doorstep with flowers and saying "I love you and don't want to lose you." Then, he would continue by following it up with corresponding actions of making you a part of his life and showing you he cares and loves you.

Um, no.

 

I've also been there, done that (stupidly).

 

A guy who has been treating her like he has, like a warm body when there's nothing else to do, does not love her!

 

The ship has sailed.

 

I'm sending you vibes of strength tonight, spookie!

[spookie]

i think this is the best plan. have him drop your things when you know you won't be home. or just tell him to keep your stuff or give it away.

 

IF you cave now and sleep with him - you send him a clear message that he can use you by just showing his face. that's not what you want.

 

IF he states again "is this what you want?" tell him - NO! - NO, i told you i wanted you - and you all the time - but YOU said you didn't have time for me... so it's over! be clear. stand firm! IF he wants you that much - he will make time and find time. all busy men do!

 

you go girl!

 

Thanks for this. You are right.

 

He never replied to my text letting him know I will be home after 8:30, so it's just like old times, I can't get ahold of him and have no idea wtf is going on.

 

Is he planning on coming by? Is he going to flake out on me? Will he call me at 9 to tell me there's a bbq he has to go to but he can swing by after that? I've no clue.

 

Definitely not going to sleep with him, IF I do see him tonight. I DO need my stuff back tho, he has a pair of earrings that my mom gave me.

[spookie]

And I know he doesn't love me.

 

Anyone who says, "This isn't the first relationship I've lost cause I was a dick, and it won't be the last," does not know what love is.

[Ruby Slippers]

Anyone who says, "This isn't the first relationship I've lost cause I was a dick, and it won't be the last," does not know what love is.

Boo hoo, a**hole.

 

You're absolutely right.

[Crazy Magnet]

And I know he doesn't love me.

 

Anyone who says, "This isn't the first relationship I've lost cause I was a dick, and it won't be the last," does not know what love is.

 

 

Wow. He openly admits to being a complete jerk and loser. Stay strong spook!

 

Since he didn't respond just tell him a time to drop your stuff off. Tell him there is no need for you to be there, and then get lost when he's supposed to come around.

[bolase]

To me it means that he just misses having someone around. It's nice to have someone there to go out with, to have sex with, and so on. If a person can get that without having to really put any effort in, then most likely they will. If you try with him again I highly doubt things will change for the better.

 

I've had thoughts that echo that text too, but really it was just because I felt lonely. Not lonely without them, but...just lonely.

 

 

This is completely it.

 

Spookie I know what you are going through, this thread is like reading a novel about the past 5 weeks for me. I was only with my boyfriend for 4 months, but we'd been friends for ages. He'd make the odd romantic gesture and we do care ebout each other, but he put his work ahead of me ALWAYS and seemed to take it without a care when I ended things. He said to me at that point, "I think we both know we're not the love of each others lives", "you're too perfect and strong", "I never want to shade your light, and to be honest I probably can't give the relationship more effort at this time" etc.

 

It's been so hard. I miss him like crazy - in a moment of weakness I even told him so and questioned my decision, he asked me to come over and we cuddled that night but i refused to have sex, and he told me he wanted build a friendship back up but I was always welcome to come over ("have sex" as he tried hard enough.

 

Shouldnt have done that but I'm learning..and trying to be tough and stick to what I want and deserve - sharing and caring relationships.

 

He just asked me to come away with him for 3 days to a beautiful place to do creative stuff, I was so tempted but declined and made the mistake of apologising. He then offered to help me with some of my work, to which I didn't reply. I want to ask him, "why is it you're making the effort now?" but I know the answer. He misses me, definitely. But right now, not enough to step up.

 

You seem like a very strong and self respecting person, try to keep it up! Don't fold and don't spend time around him - it's too early to jump back into even a light friendship I think. You will feel best, happiest with your friends, so do that. Don't wait for a grand gesture, look outward and only then when you don't need him at all will he be interested in coming back...

 

Accept no substitute for what you want - someone who will be with you whole heartedly and someone who will try harder. Thanks for your posts, have helped me feel less alone in this Sh*t!

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow. He openly admits to being a complete jerk and loser. Stay strong spook!

 

Since he didn't respond just tell him a time to drop your stuff off. Tell him there is no need for you to be there, and then get lost when he's supposed to come around.

I agree. Text him and make arrangements for him to leave the stuff at your door at a specified time.

 

You do not have to see him if you don't want to. What he wants is now irrelevant.

[spookie]

This is completely it.

 

Spookie I know what you are going through, this thread is like reading a novel about the past 5 weeks for me. I was only with my boyfriend for 4 months, but we'd been friends for ages. He'd make the odd romantic gesture and we do care ebout each other, but he put his work ahead of me ALWAYS and seemed to take it without a care when I ended things. He said to me at that point, "I think we both know we're not the love of each others lives", "you're too perfect and strong", "I never want to shade your light, and to be honest I probably can't give the relationship more effort at this time" etc.

 

It's been so hard. I miss him like crazy - in a moment of weakness I even told him so and questioned my decision, he asked me to come over and we cuddled that night but i refused to have sex, and he told me he wanted build a friendship back up but I was always welcome to come over ("have sex" as he tried hard enough.

 

Shouldnt have done that but I'm learning..and trying to be tough and stick to what I want and deserve - sharing and caring relationships.

 

He just asked me to come away with him for 3 days to a beautiful place to do creative stuff, I was so tempted but declined and made the mistake of apologising. He then offered to help me with some of my work, to which I didn't reply. I want to ask him, "why is it you're making the effort now?" but I know the answer. He misses me, definitely. But right now, not enough to step up.

 

You seem like a very strong and self respecting person, try to keep it up! Don't fold and don't spend time around him - it's too early to jump back into even a light friendship I think. You will feel best, happiest with your friends, so do that. Don't wait for a grand gesture, look outward and only then when you don't need him at all will he be interested in coming back...

 

Accept no substitute for what you want - someone who will be with you whole heartedly and someone who will try harder. Thanks for your posts, have helped me feel less alone in this Sh*t!

 

Bolase, thanks for sharing.

 

Reading your story, it's apparent your ex probably even gave more of a s!ht than mine, but from an outside perspective, not nearly enough. I am glad you caught on to the fact that you deserve more as early as you did (I am not the sharpest tool in the shed) and I hope you stay strong. It's better to be single with the possibility of finding something worthwhile, than tied down to someone who'll sleep with you when convenient but largely makes you feel like you're alone.

[spookie]

Once again, thank you so much for the support.

 

Rather than being crushed by how stupid I feel for having cut my workout short to come home and put on makeup before he gets here only for him to flake on me without so much as a head's up, I feel empowered.

 

Fcvk this ashsole and his fancy fcvking $200,000 MBA that he thinks makes his time worth so much more than mine.

 

I don't respect people who treat others this way.

 

Edit: now he texts me - 10 ok?

[Land Shark]

And you responded like this?: "Fcvk you, ashsole, and your fancy fcvking $200,000 MBA that you think makes your time worth so much more than mine. I don't respect people who treat others this way."

[shadowplay]

Fcvk this ashsole and his fancy fcvking $200,000 MBA that he thinks makes his time worth so much more than mine.

 

that's what he was in grad school for? I always assumed it was something a tad more interesting/less shallow from how committed you described him as being to it. law school, med school, anything. lame.

[spookie]

And you responded like this?: "Fcvk you, ashsole, and your fancy fcvking $200,000 MBA that you think makes your time worth so much more than mine. I don't respect people who treat others this way."

 

Lol, should I, have?

 

I haven't responded at all.

 

But you know what, 10 is not ok. 10 is two hours late, and it represents more disappointment that my willingness to be flexible, once again led to my being treated like a doormat. I'll be asleep. He can leave the chair against my door, slip my earrings underneath it. All I have of his is a pair of boxers, already turning yellow in a box of relics I keep of boyfriends past.

[Land Shark]

Lol, should I, have?

 

Might as well. Does it matter at this point?

 

You need a more mature guy.

[spookie]

Lol, should I, have?

 

I haven't responded at all.

 

But you know what, 10 is not ok. 10 is two hours late, and it represents more disappointment that my willingness to be flexible, once again led to my being treated like a doormat. I'll be asleep. He can leave the chair against my door, slip my earrings underneath it. All I have of his is a pair of boxers, already turning yellow in a box of relics I keep of boyfriends past.

 

And after this little rant, I texted, "sure".

 

I have a real fear of not being nice.

[Land Shark]

Well, be sure to glare at him a bit when he gets there.

[shadowplay]

Spook, you can do better than this corporate jock. I'm proud of you.