dispatch3d Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Sounds like circumstances won't let this happen. He definitely can't handle any of the emotional drain that is a relationship right now. It's cool that his career is that important fwiw.... not gay just sayin hahahaha
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 He texted me: "Thank you for making a difficult decision for us, it demonstrates your strength of character, which I always found attractive in you." Now I am crying. ((((HUG)))) Do you have the strength to text him back and ask him not to contact you?
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 ((((HUG)))) Do you have the strength to text him back and ask him not to contact you? I already asked him not to contact me. He has some of my things which he'll drop off later this week (hopefully while I am not home) but other than that I think he will respect my desire for no contact.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I already asked him not to contact me. Then he did. Still doing things his way, right to the bitter end. I'm so happy for you that you did this. Break-ups suck, but you did the right thing.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 This is the first time in my life where I know this is the right decision, but I also know I will miss him like crazy.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Then he did. Still doing things his way, right to the bitter end. I'm so happy for you that you did this. Break-ups suck, but you did the right thing. his disrespecting you over and over is getting mighty old... i'd love to bit*h slap that dude!
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 his disrespecting you over and over is getting mighty old... i'd love to bit*h slap that dude! hahaha I am imagining all the women of loveshack shooing him away with brooms. I love you guys.
callingyouuu Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Then he did. Still doing things his way, right to the bitter end. Perhaps he should have respected her boundary, but I don't think he did it out of malintent. From what I've read in this thread, he just sounds like a nice, genuine guy who just happens to be in a stage of life where he can't seriously work on a relationship just yet. To the OP, stay strong and on to greener pastures.
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 hahaha I am imagining all the women of loveshack shooing him away with brooms. Haha! We are, in a virtual sense!! I love you guys. The dysfunctional family of LS will always be here for you, Spook.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I think that he just wanted to make spookie feel better about a break up by giving her a compliment.
shadowplay Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Spookie, I am so proud of you! It really speaks to your strength that you're taking this in stride rather than letting it crush you, which is exactly what you should be doing. This is a huge step forward for you.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Ugh. I am soo trying to analyze logically, rather than being swayed by my swiftly-changing emotions. The bottom line about this R is that he isn't the person I want to be with. But the person I want to be with doesn't want to be with me. So what does that mean? I was really hoping he would check out after our talk, so I didn't need to analyze further. are you talking about your boss? After having read this thread and the previous one linked to this, this is very sad. You'll get through it though. there are some things I would like to point out: 1. Maybe you are still in love with him? Why in a heartbeat would you come running when he needs you for something (sex)? 2. You don't have to like someone to love them. Maybe this is why you don't want to be him because his behaviors are not doing it for you? (ime a relationship needs that love and liking, needs to be tempered or the relationship ends) 3. He started acting distant when grad school started right? Well, imo thats a pretty lame excuse, unless in extreme circumstances where he had to go overseas, always struggled with academics etc etc. Even if this dude was a workaholic it wouldn't pan out because you would've seen a pattern with him already. (I'm taking when you first started dating him things were good?) 4. I think your Bf has fallen out of love for you. I think his distancing is proof of this. I do think it's spineless of him to not break up with you but instead let you feel the emotional emptiness so you could do it. However, breaking up with someone is something that's very hard to do especially if the other is very much still attached to you. 5. Do you really like your boss? Or is it because you are trying to find an emotional depth that isn't in your relationship?
shadowplay Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 This weekend I also broke up with my best friend. Why? ..........
shadowplay Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Thanks. I am thrilled that I am finally ready to be in a healthy relationship. My s!ht is completely together, career-wise, fitness/health-wise, life-goals-wise, financially; for the most part, even emotionally: for example, I am not about to fall into a deep and dark depression as a result of all this. I'm the best catch I have ever been in my life, and I'm single. I just need to make sure I actually go out and meet people. I'm so excited for you, Spookie. :bunny: Although I was crushed by my breakup, I also had the same sense of excitement about meeting new people...and it has improved my life substantially.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 After having read this thread and the previous one linked to this, this is very sad. You'll get through it though. there are some things I would like to point out: 1. Maybe you are still in love with him? Why in a heartbeat would you come running when he needs you for something (sex)? I care about him, but that doesn't mean our relationship is sustainable. 2. You don't have to like someone to love them. Maybe this is why you don't want to be him because his behaviors are not doing it for you? (ime a relationship needs that love and liking, needs to be tempered or the relationship ends) Right. 3. He started acting distant when grad school started right? Well, imo thats a pretty lame excuse, unless in extreme circumstances where he had to go overseas, always struggled with academics etc etc. Even if this dude was a workaholic it wouldn't pan out because you would've seen a pattern with him already. (I'm taking when you first started dating him things were good?) When we first started dating, things were pretty good, but I always had the feeling that he didn't want to get serioulsy involved, which kept me from investing too much emotionally. I had been dreading the start of grad school becuase I expected things to pan out this way - he had made it clear from the get-go that he did not plan on compromising AT ALL once he started school, which obviously does not amount to much of a relationship. I was hoping we would fall for each other enough for his perspective to change. 4. I think your Bf has fallen out of love for you. I think his distancing is proof of this. I do think it's spineless of him to not break up with you but instead let you feel the emotional emptiness so you could do it. However, breaking up with someone is something that's very hard to do especially if the other is very much still attached to you. I don't think he has fallen out of love, because we were never in love to begin with. I DO realize now, however, how much stronger than him I actually am. The look of admiration in his eyes as I ended the relationship confirmed what he said: that he would not have been able to end it. What this tells me is that had I not broken up with him, he would have ended it in exactly the same fashion as he has all his other R's: by distancing himself, meeting someone new, and cheating on me. Since he mentioned not wanting to miss out on being single while he is meeting so many new people, I suspect he is already at step 2. I don't need that crap in my life. 5. Do you really like your boss? Or is it because you are trying to find an emotional depth that isn't in your relationship? I really like my boss. But there's a good chance the feelings aren't mutual.
Stockalone Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Then he did. Still doing things his way, right to the bitter end. I'm so happy for you that you did this. Break-ups suck, but you did the right thing. his disrespecting you over and over is getting mighty old... i'd love to bit*h slap that dude! Of course he is doing things his way. Obviously, we are being supportive of spookie here, but I don't see how we can fault the guy for doing what he needs to do. Spookie did what she needed to do, he is simply doing the same thing. They are broken up now, it's insane to expect him to do what's best for spookie if that means doing things that are not in his best interest. If spookie wants to ignore him, she can always block him. I am imagining all the women of loveshack shooing him away with brooms. It sure looks that way. I know you'll have bad times along the way. But in my experience, the "good" thing about a break-up like that is that you'll immediately move on in the right direction and have fewer setbacks because you know that it couldn't have been helped. That said, being on the other end of a supposedly unavoidable breakup where you don't feel the same way, is incredibly hurtful. Which is why I hope your now ex shares your view on things. And from the sounds of his text, it's possible that he just had one last thing to say and isn't going to bother you again.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 That said, being on the other end of a supposedly unavoidable breakup where you don't feel the same way, is incredibly hurtful. Which is why I hope your now ex shares your view on things. And from the sounds of his text, it's possible that he just had one last thing to say and isn't going to bother you again. He was the one who said he didn't want to miss out on being single now that he's meeting all these new people, and that he wasn't willing to compromise so much as an inch for school. I'm smart enough to know these are issues I can't deal with alone. Even though I intiated the breakup, he is the one who wants to be single. The reason I'm ending it is because I WANT a relationship, and as I suspected, he can't give that right now. I am pretty sure he won't bother me again... for a while. However, if my gut is right, I also have a feeling he will be one of those exes who pops out of the woodwork in a few years. Hopefully, I'll have moved on by then.
shadowplay Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 IWhat this tells me is that had I not broken up with him, he would have ended it in exactly the same fashion as he has all his other R's: by distancing himself, meeting someone new, and cheating on me. He did this in all his other R's? So it wasn't just with the last girl? I wish you had shared this info with us earlier, but at the same time I can understand why you didn't with how LS can be.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 He did this in all his other R's? So it wasn't just with the last girl? I wish you had shared this info with us earlier, but at the same time I can understand why you didn't with how LS can be. Well, maybe I'm being unfair. I'm actually not sure whether the cheating was limited to the one incident with me. But I do know that he has literally never been single, so even if he didn't cheat, he'd already had someone lined up before leaving every single relationship he's ever been in. Call me insecure, but I am not comfortable with my SO comparing me to every other woman he meets to evaluate whether I am still the best fit for him.
threebyfate Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 spook, he gave you enough clues about himself to determine that he's not what you need. In maintaining an almost casual relationship with him, it gave him the impression that you were like minded. I think and most likely maybe you'll disagree, that next time if you want something from someone, it's best to give the impression of what works for you. I think too many people are so concerned about "getting" their partner, pretending to be cool about important things, that they lose sight of what they want and need. This doesn't mean you become a cling-on and needy as hell, since much of it is based on reasonability and the impact of shifting perceptions.
shadowplay Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 This doesn't mean you become a cling-on and needy as hell, since much of it is based on reasonability and the impact of shifting perceptions. Could you give an example of how this might work without becoming needy? I think as long as you want more than the other person and show that, you will come across as needy to them to some degree.
Author spookie Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 He texted me: "I was gonna drop off your stuff tomorrow around 8. I haven't been sleeping. Are you sure this is the right decision? Honestly, I'm not sure it is." Ugh. When we talked, it seemed clear-cut to me we were on the same page about wanting to break up, because he wants to be single. Now that he's doubting it, I am second-guessing myself, too. And I miss him. Although, last night, going out with my friends, I was the happiest I have been in a while.
threebyfate Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Could you give an example of how this might work without becoming needy? I think as long as you want more than the other person and show that, you will come across as needy to them to some degree. I think too many people are so concerned about "getting" their partner, pretending to be cool about important things, that they lose sight of what they want and need. shadow, refer to this. This is important in that once you remove the lions portion of fear of loss rather "shifting perception" to realizing that getting isn't as important as core happiness, what they perceive to some degree stops being as riveting especially when you're just guessing how they feel or perceive.
tigressA Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Although, last night, going out with my friends, I was the happiest I have been in a while. Focus on this. Just focus on this. It's hard and it will likely get harder, but just concentrate on the good you feel without him. Remember the reasons why you broke up with him. Stay strong. You can do it.
Author spookie Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Focus on this. Just focus on this. It's hard and it will likely get harder, but just concentrate on the good you feel without him. Remember the reasons why you broke up with him. Stay strong. You can do it. I don't know. The reason I broke up with him was that he was making it clear, first implicitly, and then explicitly during our conversation, that he was not willing to factor in my needs at all in his decision-making process, for at least as long as he's in school. Does his text imply he's changed his mind?
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