2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 In theory, this is exactly what I want. I would like to see what else is out there. But I don't think it's possible to back-peddle on exclusivity. We had agreed not to date other people from the beginning. I am not sure i would be comfortable with him dating others, and I think my demand to, would enrage him. We're both the jealous types. i'd be willing to bet money that your guy is seeing someone else. he hasn't made the effort to see you... that means he IS spending time with others - no two ways about it - no matter what he TELLS you - his actions say he has OTHER interests. a man that holds YOU his TOP priority would be making WAY more effort to spend time with you... and he's not. don't get confused by his words - because they don't match his actions... and his actions tell you everything you need to know = he IS spending time and energy with someone(s)/something above being with you. men that are truly interested don't do things that way.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 are you going to the chili cookoff? does that mean YOU have to travel to be with him? if so, grrrrrr... if not - yay! you didn't answer this question - what is the plan?
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Yah, of course, the someone(s) he IS spending time with are the kids from his program. But I don't think he's DATING anyone else. you didn't answer this question - what is the plan? He was gonna pick me up. I don't want to go. A chili cookoff surrounded by his friends I've never met is an odd setting in which to reconnect after 3-4 weeks spent largely apart.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Yah, of course, the someone(s) he IS spending time with are the kids from his program. But I don't think he's DATING anyone else. He was gonna pick me up. I don't want to go. A chili cookoff surrounded by his friends I've never met is an odd setting in which to reconnect after 3-4 weeks spent largely apart. There's the perception thing again. I am feeling negative, so I'm taking this invitation as more evidence of his inability to compromise. Not, "oh, how nice, he's making effort, he wants me to meet his friends" like 2 hours before.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 More evidence he's not right for me: thinking about this goddam cookout, I'm filled with the urge to pound back 3 beers and get on my way to have a good time. But I don't WANT my life to pass by in a blurry, laughter-filled haze. I'm looking for something more sentimental out it. Staying in to read a book and do my laundry would be more meaningful.
Stockalone Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I don't see it as "giving up power" to tell him what I'm looking for. We have been casual up to this point; the only explicit obligations on the table have been exclusivity and monogramy. But for an LTR, that's not enough. For example, I also need to know the relationship is moving forward and he's committed to making it work; and I need to feel like we're part of each other's lives. I am finally starting to clarify what I am looking for, and to demand that all these needs be met, too, as a requirement for staying with me. Perhaps the discussion will be too little too late. I am guessing most of this stuff should have been hashed out months ago. But better late than never. I don't think he will be willing to make the effort, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have this conversation before throwing in the towel. I am glad he is willing to be honest and open, rather than turning into an immature jerk as people tend to do during confrontations. Spookie, shouldn't you be doing more too, to help this relationship move forward? You still have that emotional connection to your boss, and you have kept your distance emotionally in more than one relationship. Don't you think that is being part of the problem, regardless of your current bf's behaviour. Should he be doing more? Absolutely. But to be perfectly honest, I don't believe those (your) issues will just go away if your bf is giving you what you want in this relationship. I am not saying he senses some reluctance on your part and that is why he doesn't go all in. But I do believe that there is something you have to deal with if you want more than what you have right now. At the moment, you seem to want your bf to treat you better, yet at the same time, a part of you is still (or already) planning a future with your boss should that ever become possible. Wanting your bf to move the relationship forward and being treated better is normal and there is nothing wrong with that. But if that is what you want, you can't be the one planning an exit strategy and essentially putting in less than you expect from him. Meh, Spookie drinks, and does some self medicating- that's who she is. You have to know her, know her back story, to know she's come such a long, long, way. It's weird to say this on the eve of what's most likely going to be a breakup, but I'm really, really happy for you, Spook. You'll see. This will be one of the best things that ever happened to you. While I agree with you two that spookie has made progress and accomplished things she can and should be proud of, she has IMO done very little to improve when it comes to relationships. She still doesn't show respect or sympathy for other people and their relationships. For example, she has no problem sleeping with men who are already in relationships. She has that crush (if isn't already an obsession) on her boss, which I am sure is keeping her from focusing fully on her current bf and their relationship. Obviously, her current bf might simply be unable or unwilling to move this relationship forward and give spookie what she wants. And I agree that she shouldn't have to accept less than what she wants. That said, I don't think we can completely ignore her own behaviour (especially if there might be a pattern) and simply blame the men in spookie's life. She needs to do her part too, if she wants a healthy relationship. How is a healthy relationship supposed to develop (regardless of the man) while spookie is allowed to keep her distance (emotionally) and crushing on another man? i'd be willing to bet money that your guy is seeing someone else.. He cheated on his ex with spookie, so that's certainly a possibility.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Spookie, I kind of struggle to see how you have an emotional connection with your boss. You said it yourself that you barely talk about what you did on the weekend, let alone anything more personal. How can you have an emotional connection by talking about work? Unless you equate the fact that your feelings or emotions are involved with emotional connection. Are you able to explain in words your emotional connection with your boss that is absent with your boyfriend?
2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 He was gonna pick me up. I don't want to go. A chili cookoff surrounded by his friends I've never met is an odd setting in which to reconnect after 3-4 weeks spent largely apart. i understand your perspective... since you said you wanted and needed more time for that connection - a chili cookoff is not the way to do that! he had enough free time to commit to going out to the cookoff - and didn't think to invite you first and foremost - such as: "hey spookie, there's this cookoff, i'd like to go, what do you think of heading over there?" nope, instead HE planned to go on his own and asked for you to tag along after he decided. that's not holding you and your feelings FIRST! he obviously has the cookoff as a bigger priority than being alone with you time. i'd cancel too - and i'd tell him exactly why - "you need to go to the cookoff more than being alone with me, i'm NOT your priority, so buzz off." he jst gave more evidence that he's in the same place he's always been... into HIMSELF - not you. i wouldn't want to be his afterthought either.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Spookie, shouldn't you be doing more too, to help this relationship move forward? You still have that emotional connection to your boss, and you have kept your distance emotionally in more than one relationship. Don't you think that is being part of the problem, regardless of your current bf's behaviour. Should he be doing more? Absolutely. But to be perfectly honest, I don't believe those (your) issues will just go away if your bf is giving you what you want in this relationship. I am not saying he senses some reluctance on your part and that is why he doesn't go all in. But I do believe that there is something you have to deal with if you want more than what you have right now. At the moment, you seem to want your bf to treat you better, yet at the same time, a part of you is still (or already) planning a future with your boss should that ever become possible. Wanting your bf to move the relationship forward and being treated better is normal and there is nothing wrong with that. But if that is what you want, you can't be the one planning an exit strategy and essentially putting in less than you expect from him. While I agree with you two that spookie has made progress and accomplished things she can and should be proud of, she has IMO done very little to improve when it comes to relationships. She still doesn't show respect or sympathy for other people and their relationships. For example, she has no problem sleeping with men who are already in relationships. She has that crush (if isn't already an obsession) on her boss, which I am sure is keeping her from focusing fully on her current bf and their relationship. Obviously, her current bf might simply be unable or unwilling to move this relationship forward and give spookie what she wants. And I agree that she shouldn't have to accept less than what she wants. That said, I don't think we can completely ignore her own behaviour (especially if there might be a pattern) and simply blame the men in spookie's life. She needs to do her part too, if she wants a healthy relationship. How is a healthy relationship supposed to develop (regardless of the man) while spookie is allowed to keep her distance (emotionally) and crushing on another man? He cheated on his ex with spookie, so that's certainly a possibility. Hey, I totally agree with you. But I don't think being with THIS guy is helping my issues any.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 We finally talked. Granted, it was 11 by the time he finally came over (not 5 like he promised) spook - even this alone shows how he operates. the disrespect and disregard shouldn't be tolerated. he does things on his time and the way he wants... he's been consistent about that - if it's not enough for you - then have him exit asap. the way he does things is selfish and self serving = i wouldn't choose that for myself or any of my friends = you deserve more.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Spookie, I kind of struggle to see how you have an emotional connection with your boss. You said it yourself that you barely talk about what you did on the weekend, let alone anything more personal. How can you have an emotional connection by talking about work? Unless you equate the fact that your feelings or emotions are involved with emotional connection. Are you able to explain in words your emotional connection with your boss that is absent with your boyfriend? Maybe it's more an intellectual connection, combined with the faith that he's got my back. The intellectual connection consists of: being in each other's heads, our ability to read each other's expressions (for example, I'll frown ever so slightly, and he'll say, "I know you don't like the solution..."), making each other laugh. It manifests when he asks me to come over and help him and we end up working on a spreadsheet simultaneously: him manning the keyboard, me moving the mouse.
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 spook - even this alone shows how he operates. the disrespect and disregard shouldn't be tolerated. he does things on his time and the way he wants... he's been consistent about that - if it's not enough for you - then have him exit asap. the way he does things is selfish and self serving = i wouldn't choose that for myself or any of my friends = you deserve more. Yah, I tend to excuse this s!ht as him being really busy, but the fact is, I should start respecting my own time more. This cookoff actually is a prime example. I shouldn't be happy that he's willing to let me tag along.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Maybe it's more an intellectual connection, combined with the faith that he's got my back. The intellectual connection consists of: being in each other's heads, our ability to read each other's expressions (for example, I'll frown ever so slightly, and he'll say, "I know you don't like the solution..."), making each other laugh. It manifests when he asks me to come over and help him and we end up working on a spreadsheet simultaneously: him manning the keyboard, me moving the mouse. I think it is more of an intellectual connection coupled with his ability to read people. He could just be a very intuitive person in general. I don't think that an emotional connection is possible unless you are at the very least close friends with someone. But strong physical attraction + intellectual connection can be powerful enough.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Yah, I tend to excuse this s!ht as him being really busy, but the fact is, I should start respecting my own time more. This cookoff actually is a prime example. I shouldn't be happy that he's willing to let me tag along. then call him and tell him. he has choices too! he could either change HIS plans, making you the bigger priority, or he goes without you and that alone tells you everything you need to know. actions tell you everything he won't say...
Author spookie Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 then call him and tell him. he has choices too! he could either change HIS plans, making you the bigger priority, or he goes without you and that alone tells you everything you need to know. actions tell you everything he won't say... Well, it's too late to call him - he'll be here any minute. We have half an hour to "talk" before the cookoff, to which I may or may not go, depending on the outcome of our conversation. Edit: scratch that, he just divided the time by 3 by not having left his apartment yet. Fcvk this.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) This weekend I also broke up with my best friend. Me circa 2008 would be crumpled on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing like there's no tomorrow. Me circa now is googling chicken salad recipes. I'm looking for something healthy I can make on the weekend to take to work with me during the week. No tears shed yet. Edited September 7, 2010 by spookie
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Our conversation went like this: Him: Yah, I've been thinking about it, and I just question whether I can be there for you. I'm paying a lot of money for school, and I just can't compromise on anything in the next twenty months, plus, I'll be out of the country for seven of them. I've also never been single, and I'm meeting all these new people, and I don't want to miss out on that if this isn't going to go anywhere, but I'm not sure that it won't... so I was thinking, I can take you around to events for the next couple weeks, and we can see how it goes. Me: You just confirmed everything my gut has suspected. Thanks for being honest, but I am looking for more than that. I feel like if I move forward with you, I'm just gonna get hurt. The risk just isn't worth it for me, and I can't more forward with you, if I feel that way. <He nods> Me: I just think we're in different places in our lives, and I'm looking for more than you can give. Him: This isn't the first time I've lost a good relationship because of this, and it won't be the last. But I gotta do what I gotta do. Me: And I don't resent you for that. But I know I'll end up resenting you if I keep expecting more. Him: Ok. So you don't want to go to the cookoff? Me: No. Him: Do you want me to keep talking to you? Me: Not for a while. Him: Come here, give me a hug. Me: No. Just leave. He takes my hand and kisses it. The tears build up in my throat. I swallow. Me: Go.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Our conversation went like this: Him: Yah, I've been thinking about it, and I just question whether I can be there for you. I'm paying a lot of money for school, and I just can't compromise on anything in the next twenty months, plus, I'll be out of the country for seven of them. I've also never been single, and I'm meeting all these new people, and I don't want to miss out on that if this isn't going to go anywhere, but I'm not sure that it won't... so I was thinking, I can take you around to events for the next couple weeks, and we can see how it goes. Me: You just confirmed everything my gut has suspected. Thanks for being honest, but I am looking for more than that. I feel like if I move forward with you, I'm just gonna get hurt. The risk just isn't worth it for me, and I can't more forward with you, if I feel that way. <He nods> Me: I just think we're in different places in our lives, and I'm looking for more than you can give. Him: This isn't the first time I've lost a good relationship because of this, and it won't be the last. But I gotta do what I gotta do. Me: And I don't resent you for that. But I know I'll end up resenting you if I keep expecting more. Him: Ok. So you don't want to go to the cookoff? Me: No. Him: Do you want me to keep talking to you? Me: Not for a while. Him: Come here, give me a hug. Me: No. Just leave. He takes my hand and kisses it. The tears build up in my throat. I swallow. Me: Go. way to go strong girl! now you are free to find a man that makes time and spends it with you! woot! i'm proud of your courage and strength!
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 way to go strong girl! now you are free to find a man that makes time and spends it with you! woot! i'm proud of your courage and strength! Thanks. I am thrilled that I am finally ready to be in a healthy relationship. My s!ht is completely together, career-wise, fitness/health-wise, life-goals-wise, financially; for the most part, even emotionally: for example, I am not about to fall into a deep and dark depression as a result of all this. I'm the best catch I have ever been in my life, and I'm single. I just need to make sure I actually go out and meet people.
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 This weekend I also broke up with my best friend. Me circa 2008 would be crumpled on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing like there's no tomorrow. Me circa now is googling chicken salad recipes. I'm looking for something healthy I can make on the weekend to take to work with me during the week. No tears shed yet. I was the exact same way. Took 48 hours for the tears to really come. But they'll come, and as quickly go. You're a different person than you were in 2008. You now know what's in your best interest, and that this isn't it. Thanks. I am thrilled that I am finally ready to be in a healthy relationship. My s!ht is completely together, career-wise, fitness/health-wise, life-goals-wise, financially; for the most part, even emotionally: for example, I am not about to fall into a deep and dark depression as a result of all this. I'm the best catch I have ever been in my life, and I'm single. I just need to make sure I actually go out and meet people. You go, girl!!! I felt the same way!!! Just make sure you put yourself out there... the right guy will come along and give you everything you need. High five!
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Spookie, I love you! I admire your strength and courage to walk away. It's incredible how far you have come in the last few years. Congratulations on being single and free to find the love of your life.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Thanks for the support, guys.
Author spookie Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 He texted me: "Thank you for making a difficult decision for us, it demonstrates your strength of character, which I always found attractive in you." Now I am crying.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 He texted me: "Thank you for making a difficult decision for us, it demonstrates your strength of character, which I always found attractive in you." Now I am crying. it's a really nice comment - and so true for you, you do deserve those kudos. it also shows what a complete dork he is for letting you get away! can you block him from your phone?
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