Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Seems that many of the male posters here believe that any woman that has options has casual sex and hooks up, even while dating others. To me, that's highly unattractive if a woman does that. I supposed if you use that logic, you could apply it to men as well. The question is, if an individual has options(male or female), do they have casual sex?
threebyfate Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Not always. Having sex with strangers is gross.
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Not always. Having sex with strangers is gross. I don't necessarily mean strangers. Perhaps I should have worded it a bit differently. What I meant was those with options have people they hook up with, even if they're dating someone. I was dating this girl once and my friend told me she was banging this guy and I immediately stopped seeing her and she had the balls to give me a hard time. She claimed we weren't exclusive and I told her if she was doing this now, god knows what she'd be doing if we were "exclusive". I mean I could have plenty of options if I put myself out there more, but I still wouldn't sleep with someone without STD testing. The guys on this site seem to be adamant that any girl with options is hooking up with people and continue to do so even when they're dating someone.
Stung Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I have had passionate but casual flings in the past, but I didn't go around rubbing my crotch on cute strangers, and I've certainly never 'hooked up' while seeing somebody else. Even though in my day 'hooking up' just meant making out and exchanging phone numbers, as a general rule . You've acknowledged in some threads that you're a handsome guy and in others that you never have casual sex. So apparently you've answered your own question, no?
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I have had passionate but casual flings in the past, but I didn't go around rubbing my crotch on cute strangers, and I've certainly never 'hooked up' while seeing somebody else. Even though in my day 'hooking up' just meant making out and exchanging phone numbers, as a general rule . You've acknowledged in some threads that you're a handsome guy and in others that you never have casual sex. So apparently you've answered your own question, no? That's just me and where I am, I'm a huge minority.
Stung Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 The guys on this site seem to be adamant that any girl with options is hooking up with people and continue to do so even when they're dating someone. Perhaps you have noticed, several of the guys on this site carry a lot of damaging emotional baggage which they're not necessarily dealing with in the, uh, healthiest ways possible.
lilbunny Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I have never had casual sex or a ONS in my life, I don't understand the concept of fwb, from what I read you aren't actually supposed to be friendly or hang out with this person so the friends bit seems a bit misleading to me. I also don't understand multiple dating in the slightest. If you like someone enough to go out for the evening with them, had a good enough time to go again, why do you need to go out with 3 other people in the meantime? It just isn't the done thing where I'm from and you would undoubtedly get called some pretty harsh names for doing it. I don't have any problem with anyone who wants to partake in any of these activities, each to their own, they just don't appeal to me.
tigressA Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Only people with little to no sense of decency do what you've described here, Max--IF they are exclusively dating someone/in a relationship. Like Stung said, you have to keep in mind that many male posters here are utterly convinced that women as a whole have no sense of decency as a result of their own negative experiences. I believe that if you're seeing someone, up until there's been an explicit agreement to be exclusive, both people are free to do whatever. It's dangerous in these times to assume that just because you're dating/sleeping with someone, that they're not dating/sleeping with other people if you haven't yet agreed to exclusivity. I wouldn't sleep with more than one person at a time, but there are people who can handle that, and as long as all parties involved are informed of what's going on and are okay with it, there is nothing wrong with it, IMO. And of course, there's nothing wrong with choosing not to date someone who hooks up with other people in the meantime.
Rorschach Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Long time ago I posted a thread on here with my opinions about sex (or more specifically about the risk you take of having children when you can't afford them) which ended with me basically deciding that until something changes in my life I can't afford to take any chance, no matter how small, of having kids so I abstain from sex entirely. So I think, for me at least, i can honestly say no not everybody sleeps around haha.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 First, I generally consider myself to have plenty of "options," although I have a very tailored focus. That said, I don't ever engage in casual sex, despite the options for it, just because it's not for me. I'm not built to handle it emotionally. But this makes no sense: She claimed we weren't exclusive and I told her if she was doing this now, god knows what she'd be doing if we were "exclusive". What is the "god knows what she'd be doing once you're exclusive"?? Once you're exclusive, she wouldn't be with anyone else. That's the whole point of exclusivity. But until then, her options are open...and rightfully so.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I believe that if you're seeing someone, up until there's been an explicit agreement to be exclusive, both people are free to do whatever. It's dangerous in these times to assume that just because you're dating/sleeping with someone, that they're not dating/sleeping with other people if you haven't yet agreed to exclusivity. I wouldn't sleep with more than one person at a time, but there are people who can handle that, and as long as all parties involved are informed of what's going on and are okay with it, there is nothing wrong with it, IMO. And of course, there's nothing wrong with choosing not to date someone who hooks up with other people in the meantime. This. Spot on.
Rorschach Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 What is the "god knows what she'd be doing once you're exclusive"?? Once you're exclusive, she wouldn't be with anyone else. That's the whole point of exclusivity. But until then, her options are open...and rightfully so. I will agree with this though, if you're just in the early stages of dating where she feels you haven't gotten that serious yet (it's not really how you feel about the relationship in this case, but how she feels) then there is nothing wrong with dating another man at the same time, and if she's been dating him for awhile there is nothing wrong with sleeping with him, that isn't casual sex that's just dating two guys at the same time without having figured out which one she wants to be serious with. Now if she's just picking up random guys in bars thats another story, mostly because I don't really support that even if you weren't in a relationship but as far as 'breaking trust' or 'cheating' or what have you it doesn't really count.
tigressA Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 But this makes no sense: What is the "god knows what she'd be doing once you're exclusive"?? Once you're exclusive, she wouldn't be with anyone else. That's the whole point of exclusivity. But until then, her options are open...and rightfully so. Agreed, that part made no sense to me either. The OP assumed that a girl he was never exclusively dating would continue to date/hook up with other people even after establishing exclusivity. He didn't even give her a chance to be faithful to him. Sure, like I said in my earlier post, he's got every right to reject a girl who doesn't meet his standards--but in this day and age, it'll be hard to find someone who isn't non-exclusively dating/hooking up with more than one person.
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 What is the "god knows what she'd be doing once you're exclusive"?? Once you're exclusive, she wouldn't be with anyone else. That's the whole point of exclusivity. But until then, her options are open...and rightfully so. Because she obviously felt the need to sleep with others behind my back. IMO, there's no need to even date multiple people at the same time, much less sleep with multiple people.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Because she obviously felt the need to sleep with others behind my back. How is it behind your back? Does the person you're just dating need to volunteer everything she's doing and with whom? IMO, there's no need to even date multiple people at the same time, much less sleep with multiple people. Was she sleeping with multiple people, or just him? That said, tell me Max... before you're exclusive, what are you? Exclusive? Because that's what you're describing here.
Stung Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 It is the common wisdom that until the exclusivity talk has been had, many people will be concurrently dating others--ideally in an effort to narrow down several alluring prospects until one shining love emerges. I have always preferred exploring one person/relationship at a time, and enjoyed a man's sole focus and giving him the benefit of mine, once things progressed to an active dating stage--but I never faulted anyone for multi-dating, so long as they were ethical about it. Frankly it doesn't sound like your girl was necessarily unethical, OP; you're basically suggesting she's a cheater, but cheating and multi-dating are not synonymous. She probably should have been more upfront that she was exploring other options, but if you hadn't told her you wanted exclusivity, she was perhaps in a gray area but not exactly in the wrong and your response was a bit harsh.
meerkat stew Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Max, consider phrasing the OP question this way instead, "Are you generally having regular sex with one or more partners while not involved in dating type relationships, do you have FWB type relationships in your life, do you continue FWB type relationships during the early stages of dating before exclusivity, and have you ever continued FWB type relations after exclusivity?" By phrasing it as a casual sex and "hookup" question, you are leaving lots of wiggle room for rationalizing, something you have already seen in the thread. "Oh, no, I don't have sex with strangers, or course not!" Notice how they instantly jump to the very broadest possible call of the question. You have just learned something very important about women. Phrasing the OP question better will certainly not cut down on all rationalizing and lying, but you may have a few come forth and be honest. Of note is that the types of women (and men) met in places like LS are most definitely NOT representative of the population at large where sexual practices come into question. Note also that women are expert at compartmentalizing things so they don't "count" for some bogus reason or the other (the "Clinton" method). This will be borne out in your life by all the women you will meet who have had exactly "3" sex partners. The number "3" says "not an inexperienced dud, but not a ho either," so many women will "back into" a reality where they have only had three men, when in actuality, most who are normally socialized have usually had significantly more partners, many have had dozens more. You've already seen this in your life with the woman you mention who bristled at your making an issue of her sleeping with some dude while seeing you. Would you have ever known about the other dude without your friend clueing you in? Of course not. Assume that almost all of them are sleeping with some dude, and that assumption will always serve you well in dating. Women will not admit that there is an inherent social contract in early dating, and seek to preserve all the old social advantages of the past that benefit them. Men are expected to do most of the approaching and paying for dates early on, because an implicit assertion is that a woman's company is valuable and worth paying for. Well of course a woman who has had sex with two FWBs in the last week is not worthy of having a man pay for early dates, as she is essentially mating with other men who aren't expected to court her. Most men come to the realization, "wait a minute, why am I expected to pay for the "privilege" of getting to know her when she is alreadly having sex with other men who AREN't expected to pay?" Of course, few of them see things in this clear, fair way because they aren't interested in anything resembling equality, just "selective" equality. Will be up to you as to whether you continue to date women in a traditional way or just set up sex with them. Personally, I chose to continue to date, as I enjoy going out on dates, but it is absolutely not necessary, and in some key ways is counterproductive. My friends who got rid of dating altogether do much better with women sexually than I do, and I'm talking good looking, desirable women, not ugly ones. Few of them will admit this, but many respect a man who can build enough attraction to have them sexually without courtship much more than a man who must court to get sex. No idea why but it is true much more often than not these days. And also notice that anyone who believes, or more accurately has -experienced- over decades, that women have much more sex than they let on is instantly branded "a damaged, baggagey man." Rather than condemning women or being bitter at the true state of affairs, revel in it, as it allows more men to get more sex than ever before, negating the necessity of marriage to get sex. That women have more sex than they let on removes the very bad reason for marriage, "get married to get sex," that men have succumbed to forever. It's a good thing. Moreover, having a clear head and understanding about this allows men to avoid many of the dating mistakes all over this board involving putting women on a pedestal and supplicating to them as if they are "special creatures" to be fought for and "won." One of the first steps to success in dating and relationships for men today is to realize that women aren't special, dainty, chaste creatures. They are just as sexual as men and are having sex even more than men. (why do you think everything in our culture is now all about "love?" it is the feminizing influence in culture, and has only recently been this way, people 100 years ago weren't all about "love this" and "sex that" in their day to day lives... life in the past was not a perpetual romance novel writ large). I grew up just like you did/are at your age, wanting a relatively chaste female partner for dating or marriage. It took me years to learn that a vast majority of women I find desirable have almost always had more sexual experience than me, and are generally sleeping with a man or even men when I meet them. This is a given reality to be accepted. In fact, I submit that the men who still believe most of the good-looking women they meet out and about -aren't- having sex regularly are outrageously naive. You can dismiss the above as a rant of a bitter old damaged, baggagey man if you want, that's fine. But will tell you this, since realizing how things really are between the genders sexually, realizing the truth, my dating and sex life has become much, much happier and successful. Up to you whom you believe.
tigressA Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Because she obviously felt the need to sleep with others behind my back. IMO, there's no need to even date multiple people at the same time, much less sleep with multiple people. Behind your back? Really? That implies being unfaithful, and she was not because you were not exclusive. She didn't tell you, sure, but at the same time she is not under any obligation to tell you. It's on you to ask any girls you choose to date if they're dating/sleeping with others; it's on you not to assume things. If you feel that there's no need to date multiple people at the same time, then you need to do better at making that known in the beginning, so you can more easily filter out girls who don't meet your standards and waste less time.
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 How is it behind your back? Does the person you're just dating need to volunteer everything she's doing and with whom? If she's dating other people in addition to me, she needs to be honest about it. I won't waste my time with someone that dates multiple people at one time. Was she sleeping with multiple people, or just him? I wouldn't doubt if there were others. That said, tell me Max... before you're exclusive, what are you? Exclusive? Because that's what you're describing here. I expect her to date one person at one time. Though I'm American born, I wasn't raised in the states. Maybe it's just my upbringing.
Rorschach Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 If she's dating other people in addition to me, she needs to be honest about it. I won't waste my time with someone that dates multiple people at one time. I wouldn't doubt if there were others. I expect her to date one person at one time. Though I'm American born, I wasn't raised in the states. Maybe it's just my upbringing. See this is where the problem lies, one of the things in dating is that in general people see no probably dating more than one person at a time, but you do, this is going to create a conflict. Now there is nothing wrong with thinking the way you do, and there are many other people who think the same way, but you're a minority and you can't assume people are going to think this way. in her mind she did absolutely nothing wrong and most people would agree with her. A good lesson to learn for next time you date someone I suppose.
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 See this is where the problem lies, one of the things in dating is that in general people see no probably dating more than one person at a time, but you do, this is going to create a conflict. Now there is nothing wrong with thinking the way you do, and there are many other people who think the same way, but you're a minority and you can't assume people are going to think this way. in her mind she did absolutely nothing wrong and most people would agree with her. A good lesson to learn for next time you date someone I suppose. I think it's an American thing to be honest. I'm not going to put in money to get sex(which is what dating essentially is) while other dudes are getting it for free. Perhaps this is why STD rates are through the roof.
InceptorsRule Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 That's just me and where I am, I'm a huge minority. You mean like Fat Albert?
Rorschach Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I think it's an American thing to be honest. I'm not going to put in money to get sex(which is what dating essentially is) while other dudes are getting it for free. Perhaps this is why STD rates are through the roof. I'm confused as to why you think other guys are getting it for free? I mean yes there are people out there who just sleep with people to sleep with people in a FWB situation, but those are the minority, it seems more likely to me that she was being courted by another guy at the same time, who was dating just like you, spending money just like you, and just happened to be doing it at the same time. it's not really a 'this guy is going to pay for my dinner but I sleep with these other 4 guys' thing.
K'aycie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Seems that many of the male posters here believe that any woman that has options has casual sex and hooks up, even while dating others. To me, that's highly unattractive if a woman does that. I supposed if you use that logic, you could apply it to men as well. The question is, if an individual has options(male or female), do they have casual sex? I'm not sure where you are drawing that conclusion from, but, someone who has options doesn't mean they are more likely to have more casual sex and hook ups, versus the next person. It's about choices, the connection and physical and emotional chemistry, and that doesn't matter just based on what a person looks like.
Author Mad Max Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I'm confused as to why you think other guys are getting it for free? I mean yes there are people out there who just sleep with people to sleep with people in a FWB situation, but those are the minority, it seems more likely to me that she was being courted by another guy at the same time, who was dating just like you, spending money just like you, and just happened to be doing it at the same time. it's not really a 'this guy is going to pay for my dinner but I sleep with these other 4 guys' thing. If she's dating me, yet sleeping with a FWB behind my back, he's getting sex for free where as I'm paying for it. This is why STD testing is mandatory for me before I sleep with someone. I don't trust them to do it themselves.
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