Raderick Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I don't think that's gonna fly. He's let me know he's going to be REALLY busy until this weekend, when he's going home for this mother's birthday. He "might" be able to see me on Labor Day. No, I simply cannot accept this as an answer. Tell him you two need to talk, and soon; no if ands or buts about it. You won't know his response until you ask.
pandagirl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I sometimes take a backseat to my BF's work. It can be very difficult, especially since we are long-distance. On the weeks that he will be busy, he tells me, so I know what's coming. But one thing I have told him I need is a phone call every night. So we talk for like five minutes just to connect. It's not a lot, but it's something that keeps on connected. Would you be happy with this kind of scenario? Because surely, he should be more than willing to do this if the relationship is important to him.
Els Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 If you tell him that you absolutely NEED to talk and that your entire relationship is at stake (and you don't pull that sort of stunt every two weeks or so).. and he STILL doesn't bother to make an effort, doesn't that tell you more than any amount of advice on our part ever could? Barring extreme circumstances of course, but frankly I don't see the need to 'network' as an extreme circumstance. I doubt his career would go down the drain if he missed ONE social event.
Author spookie Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I sometimes take a backseat to my BF's work. It can be very difficult, especially since we are long-distance. On the weeks that he will be busy, he tells me, so I know what's coming. But one thing I have told him I need is a phone call every night. So we talk for like five minutes just to connect. It's not a lot, but it's something that keeps on connected. Would you be happy with this kind of scenario? Because surely, he should be more than willing to do this if the relationship is important to him. Yah, I would be happy if I got one phone call a night. But I feel like we are so far away from that commitment-wise and emotional-connection-wise that it would be ludicrous to demand it. Then there is the issue of him rarely picking up when I call... overall it just feels like I have mountains to climb to get any kind of communication regarding MY needs on the table.
Author spookie Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 And, I don't want to be a drama queen with all this. He warned me he'd be busy for this particular week months in advance. It seems unfair to pull the "we need to talk" card out now. That is why I am going to give it a couple of weeks for things to settle down before talking to him.
Els Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 And, I don't want to be a drama queen with all this. He warned me he'd be busy for this particular week months in advance. It seems unfair to pull the "we need to talk" card out now. That is why I am going to give it a couple of weeks for things to settle down before talking to him. Well, that seems fair enough. Just don't talk yourself out of doing it when the time finally comes.
Els Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Guys... can we please veer off the topic of looks? They only matter so much to me as to depress me that this particular relationship appears to be based on them. I just read this. Spookie... look at your own words. Does this make you happy?
2sunny Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Yah, I would be happy if I got one phone call a night. But I feel like we are so far away from that commitment-wise and emotional-connection-wise that it would be ludicrous to demand it. Then there is the issue of him rarely picking up when I call... overall it just feels like I have mountains to climb to get any kind of communication regarding MY needs on the table. Spook... what are you wasting your time and energy for? you have sex with him but he doesn't have the decency to make an effort to call? HE doesn't make the effort to drive to see you? he should! this guy isn't worth bothering with - at least not now - maybe in a few years. loads of men are busy - but they MAKE time when the woman is their priority. i know a man that flies clear across the country to see his gal - and he is the CEO for a HUGE company...he does this every weekend. THAT is what someone does to see a gal - even if he's super busy. why not break up with him. heck, if you can't even talk with him about your honest feelings then you don't have much anyway. the fact that he invites you over and it feels like sex with a stranger is even more concerning. who wants that? i don't see anything positive for you to continue this right now. tell him you may consider seeing him down the road when he makes you his priority. that tells him clearly that you expect way more if he ever wants to make an effort to see you a few years from now. there's no need to continue if you feel alone anyway. this way you can start dating someone who will make time for you.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I know that I tend to see and overblow the negatives in any situation. I think that spookie is the same. Sure, he is not making much effort but spookie is making it easy to do so by being too accommodating. I would also tell her to get out IF her perception of situation is accurate. But I really doubt that it is.
pandagirl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 And, I don't want to be a drama queen with all this. He warned me he'd be busy for this particular week months in advance. It seems unfair to pull the "we need to talk" card out now. That is why I am going to give it a couple of weeks for things to settle down before talking to him. Yeah, just keep busy, do your own thing and try not to think so much about the situation for the next couple of weeks. Also, you mentioned in another post that you don't have the emotional-closeness that warrants a phone call every day? How often do you guys usually talk? Haven't you been dating for a bit?
amagordos Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Spookie, I know how you feel. I dated my boyfriend for two months and at first he would call me all the time and make time for me, but then he started school and it seemed that is all he would think about. Suddenly he stopped coming and started to call me less and less. He was not making time for me and after not seeing him for a whole month and dealing with his bs, I dumped him. I told him how I felt and he didn't change. I think you should tell your boyfriend how you feel and see what happens. If he does change and show you that he cares, then stay with him, but if he doesn't and you still feel lonely, dump him. Nobody deserves to feel slighted. I could relate to everyone here who said that they felt alone in their relationships, that is exactly how I felt with my ex.
Author spookie Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Yeah, just keep busy, do your own thing and try not to think so much about the situation for the next couple of weeks. Also, you mentioned in another post that you don't have the emotional-closeness that warrants a phone call every day? How often do you guys usually talk? Haven't you been dating for a bit? We don't talk on the phone at all except to make plans sometimes (and even then usually we'll just text). Lately, our "plans" have consisted of booty calls, and the occasional weekend spent drinking with friends. We've been dating for 10 months but I've only felt emotionally close to him a handful of times during that period. I tend to attribute this to my being emotionally closed-off, but I just had a meeting with my boss (whom I have a crush on) that DID make me feel emotionally connected even though we were just talking about work stuff, so maybe it's just some kind of chemical incompanitibility that I am struggling with, with this guy? I think I want to break up, not necessarily because of anything he's doing "wrong", but because I just don't see the point of being in an R if I feel single. Edit: but then, as soon as I say that, I think of the times he HAS been there for me... like when someone tried breaking into my apartment and i was freaked out, or when I needed help putting my furniture together... Ugh, I wish someone could follow us around for a couple of days to let me know if this relationship is a good one.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Honestly, the problem seems to be that you are making him a priority, and he is making you an option You've been dating for 10 months and the only time you talk is to make dates or booty calls? That's not a relationship Spookie, that's a FWB situation. You seem to be on two different wavelengths here. I think you need to talk to him, tell him your needs in a relationship, and if he can't meet you halfway, then you need to consider moving on. After 10 months, if you aren't happy things are not in a good spot. You deserve someone who wants to talk to you.
pandagirl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 We don't talk on the phone at all except to make plans sometimes (and even then usually we'll just text). Lately, our "plans" have consisted of booty calls, and the occasional weekend spent drinking with friends. We've been dating for 10 months but I've only felt emotionally close to him a handful of times during that period. I tend to attribute this to my being emotionally closed-off, but I just had a meeting with my boss (whom I have a crush on) that DID make me feel emotionally connected even though we were just talking about work stuff, so maybe it's just some kind of chemical incompanitibility that I am struggling with, with this guy? I think I want to break up, not necessarily because of anything he's doing "wrong", but because I just don't see the point of being in an R if I feel single. You know, I don't think it's so complicated. Maybe it's just that you guys aren't meant for each other, and there is nothing wrong with that. It's that thing where it's not amazing, but nothing horrible has happened either. He's just sort of... there. When you talk to him, just lay it all out there, you'll get your answer.
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Eh, I don't think it's worth talking at this point. If you do he'll either brush it off or he'll change his behavior briefly, giving you false hope that he can change, only to revert to his old ways. You have plenty of evidence.
yume Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Ugh, I wish someone could follow us around for a couple of days to let me know if this relationship is a good one. Hard for someone to do that when the follower has nothing to observe, since you guys are never together...
Author spookie Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Thanks, everyone. I've decided I'm going to end it. My gut has always been off about this the whole time and even in the precense of everything else (all of which at least appears to be lacking) I don't think the nasty feeling in my gut will go away. Compared to where I was before I met him, even though I learned a lot from him (which will serve me well on my perpetual journey of getting my s!ht together), I feel like this relationship has taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. Reviewing my memories of relationships I've had previously, even though I never thought they might last like I did with this guy, I know I have felt happier and more importantly, more hopeful and more secure. At the end of the day, his positive qualities aside, I don't like the way being with him makes me feel.
Author spookie Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 If after seeing me literally twice, for a total of about 4 hours, over the course of more than two weeks, he can't find 10 minutes to call me, he's just not that into me, right?
Raderick Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 If after seeing me literally twice, for a total of about 4 hours, over the course of more than two weeks, he can't find 10 minutes to call me, he's just not that into me, right? Long story short, yes.
melodymatters Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hate the 5 second, strangers on the internet analysis with cases like this.......But yeah..... you haven't been happy, everything was good on paper, but connection... is EVERYTHING ! It hasn't been there and isn't likely to bud now, esp. with all the added pressures. Let it fly, but hey....make it a very cool break up, where you both walk away feeling good but the fact that you were the one who so cooly pulled the switch helps you through the inevitable rough patch. Yeah...connection, and emotional closeness is the big enchilada if you ask me........sleeping in a cold bed next to a partner you aren't silly best friends with ?...nah...sucks worse than anything.
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 If after seeing me literally twice, for a total of about 4 hours, over the course of more than two weeks, he can't find 10 minutes to call me, he's just not that into me, right? Spook... I had more contact and emotional investment from my honest-to-goodness only-FWB 3 years ago. And I hear from platonic male friends more often than you do your boyfriend. Not that you can compare relationships, but...
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I would just proceed like you've broken up. In other words, don't even tell him, just don't contact him. Then it will be interesting to see how long it takes him to contact you. When he wants to "hang out" or whatever, and you do decide to pick up the call, then say "Oh, can't, sorry!" This guy I was dating last summer, I decided to not text him for a week, even to return his texts, it drove him crazy, finally he called, but by that point, I decided I just wasn't that into him, either.
Author spookie Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Spook... I had more contact and emotional investment from my honest-to-goodness only-FWB 3 years ago. And I hear from platonic male friends more often than you do your boyfriend. Not that you can compare relationships, but... I know this is a stressful patch for him, but still, it just made me feel like s!ht when he kicked me out of his apt as soon as he woke up after he'd been out of the country for a week. Saying he'd give me a call toward the end of the week, maybe he could do something Sunday, but I'm seeing on Facebook, there's a party he's agreed to go to instead. Yah, wtf is wrong with me that I am clinging to this...?
Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Saying he'd give me a call toward the end of the week, maybe he could do something Sunday, but I'm seeing on Facebook, there's a party he's agreed to go to instead. Yah, wtf is wrong with me that I am clinging to this...? Nothing is WRONG with you. Your emotions are normal. You care. It's okay to care.
Author spookie Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 And now I am blaming myself for not being able to make it work. Ugh. Thoughts flashing through my mind: Not fun enough. Not smart enough. Doormat. Butt acne. But you know... even if all the above were true, I still deserve someone who loves me. Or rather, I don't deserve someone who doesn't.
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