Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Why are you clinging to it, Spookie? Because he's SO cute and smart and I enjoy being around him. And there's no guarantee that if I leave I will even find what I'm looking for.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Ugh, I am afraid I'll regress back to being in full-time love with my boss. Who is still single. Who I still think is perfect for me. you know your boss has major issues. He doesn't date, and apparently hasn't in years. I think this tells you all you need to know. Isn't there an alternative to these two shlubs? You live in a big city with a lot of single men.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Because he's SO cute and smart and I enjoy being around him. And there's no guarantee that if I leave I will even find what I'm looking for. I guess cuteness is subjective, but based on the pictures you've shown me he's average. There are plenty of guys as cute and smart as he is. You know that's a bad reason. So you're going to give up and waste valuable time you could be meeting other guys? This relationship isn't what you're looking for.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 The only time I feel happier when thinking about breaking up with him is when I fantasize about skipping states altogether, ending the relationship and moving to the east coast where my family and best friend live. If I end this R, I am going to be extremely lonely here.
Lucky555 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Well i went through grad school. It was hellish. I had little time for much but i tried to make time with my boyfriend. I was commuting, going to classes all day, studying all night/doing hw/papers/research. It was awful. But I made sure I tried to coordinate with my boyfriend a time to see each other at least every other weekend to spend time together!! However, my boyfriend at the time was not really a boyfriend. He didn't ever call and claimed HE WAS BUSY! He had time for everything else, his family, his friends, HIS INTERESTS. we had been friends for a long time before becoming bf/gf. The fact is grad school was way more stressful and time consuming than his JOB. I know i used to work with him. He basically was selfish and in my case his ex/gf was still lingering around. It sucked. I think a guy that wants a relationship in grad school or not will make time if he wants to be with you. It just sounds like he doesn't really care. The least he can do is call you!!!!! Sounds like you should really find out what you want and need or you will be constantly in agony over it. my relationship was very short lived as i called it off since the guy said "it will or will not work" and the fact he said "its hard to be emotionally involved when we are both so busy" so i guess that means he really didn't care. he was just seeing what he could get. I dont know how long you were in your relationship. but this guy isn't being very considerate of you
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 My then-BF and I broke up during my first year of law school. It was a big period of change for me. I didn't have much time for social activities, and what little time I did have, I wanted to spend bonding with my classmates. But I really think that's neither here nor there. The emotional connection has been noticably absent this entire time. Spook, your BF and your boss are NOT the only two men in the world. You CAN go without a man in your life. You can.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 The only time I feel happier when thinking about breaking up with him is when I fantasize about skipping states altogether, ending the relationship and moving to the east coast where my family and best friend live. If I end this R, I am going to be extremely lonely here. Remember I felt exactly the same way about losing my ex? I was scared to death. The difference is I had zero friends, family and even acquaintances in driving distance. I was convinced I was signing up for a life of solitude if I cut all ties with him. Instead breaking up with him gave me the push I needed to move to a newer, better place (still in the same area) and make friends. It also pushed me to make a lot of other positive changes. I think leaving him will give you that same fire. Besides you already have friends. You can totally handle it.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 The other thing that bothers me about our relationship, is that essentially, it's a one-man show. It is at least 80% about him - the things he has to do, what he wants out of life, the people he's meeting, how many pounds he's gained since last week. He doesn't ask me much about my life and when I try to share when he's run out of stuff to talk about, he doesn't express much interest or offer very much input. I'm pretty sure this indicates a high level of selfishness, which I have always suspected.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Spookie, post a picture of him. I am curious to see what he looks like
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 The other thing that bothers me about our relationship, is that essentially, it's a one-man show. It is at least 80% about him - the things he has to do, what he wants out of life, the people he's meeting, how many pounds he's gained since last week. He doesn't ask me much about my life and when I try to share when he's run out of stuff to talk about, he doesn't express much interest or offer very much input. I'm pretty sure this indicates a high level of selfishness, which I have always suspected. so do you have the balls to let him go and find something better? You have guts when it comes to other aspects of your life, but relationships are a weakness for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Every time I have broken up with someone, I've been painfully lonely and hopeless for a while. Then I picked myself up, made some great friends, and got my life in much better shape than it was when I was with the guy. Now, I have finally figured out that the man really IS just icing on the cake of my great life. No other way makes any sense. It just sets you up for heartache. What's your alternative? Feel like the crumbs he's picking up when he has nothing else on the plate? Bleh. I'd much rather be alone. You can do it. You'll be so much better off once you do.
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Now, I have finally figured out that the man really IS just icing on the cake of my great life. No other way makes any sense. It just sets you up for heartache. Ain't that the truth!!
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Every time I have broken up with someone, I've been painfully lonely and hopeless for a while. Then I picked myself up, made some great friends, and got my life in much better shape than it was when I was with the guy. Now, I have finally figured out that the man really IS just icing on the cake of my great life. No other way makes any sense. It just sets you up for heartache. What's your alternative? Feel like the crumbs he's picking up when he has nothing else on the plate? Bleh. I'd much rather be alone. You can do it. You'll be so much better off once you do. Oh man. I know I'm hungry when food metaphors are making my stomach rumble.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Remember I felt exactly the same way about losing my ex? I was scared to death. The difference is I had zero friends, family and even acquaintances in driving distance. I was convinced I was signing up for a life of solitude if I cut all ties with him. Instead breaking up with him gave me the push I needed to move to a newer, better place (still in the same area) and make friends. It also pushed me to make a lot of other positive changes. I think leaving him will give you that same fire. Besides you already have friends. You can totally handle it. Yes, I remember, and I remember advising you to FCVKIGN END IT!! I am so proud of you for doing it, too! It sounds like you are definitely in a much better place now than you ever were when you were together. I guess I'm just depressed that I have to start from scratch all over again. The group of friends I spent two years making has fallen apart. I am about to break up with my boyfriend. I know life is a constant of build/ destroy/ build better, but still, this part sucks, and it's hard.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Thanks for all the advice, guys. I know I've been making these "should I end it" threads for a couple of months now, but honestly, I AM inching toward a final decision, and the input is appreciated.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) Spookie, post a picture of him. I am curious to see what he looks like Ok... for a limited time in my album. stuck a random picture of me in there too so as not to feel like i'm going out of my way to violate his privacy Edited August 29, 2010 by spookie
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Ok... for a limited time in my album. stuck a random picture of me in there too so as not to feel like i'm going out of my way to violate his privacy Thanks spookie. He is kind of average looking. You on the other hand are FAR better than average. You can do better on all counts than this guy.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) Yes, I remember, and I remember advising you to FCVKIGN END IT!! I am so proud of you for doing it, too! It sounds like you are definitely in a much better place now than you ever were when you were together. I guess I'm just depressed that I have to start from scratch all over again. The group of friends I spent two years making has fallen apart. I am about to break up with my boyfriend. I know life is a constant of build/ destroy/ build better, but still, this part sucks, and it's hard. I think young adult life is a constant build/destroy/build until you settle down. Why is your group falling apart? I don't know much about your group, but the cynic in me wonders if you can't upgrade and find people who suit you even better. I got the impression from how you described them that they were pretty different from you in some ways. I also wonder if you'd be happier with friends who are your intellectual equals and have more interesting hobbies. Maybe these kids were academically smart, but I got the vibe they weren't especially reflective or interesting. Didn't they spend a lot of time just getting drunk at bars? Imagine having friends who were really interesting, did cool things and actually inspired you. I think you feel empty because you feel intellectually and creatively deprived. Sure your job requires intelligence, but it only exercises a small portion of your brain, and you have a lot more that wants to find an outlet. Edited August 29, 2010 by shadowplay
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Thanks spookie. He is kind of average looking. You on the other hand are FAR better than average. You can do better on all counts than this guy. Thanks SAC... you're sweet. However, I think the truth is that he is much more extroverted than I, so it will be far easier for him to replace me.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Thanks SAC... you're sweet. However, I think the truth is that he is much more extroverted than I, so it will be far easier for him to replace me. Yeah, and he'll probably replace you with somebody less interesting and he won't realize it or care. You shouldn't either.
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I think it's so sad that Shadow and SaCWC seem to base "doing better" on looks. At least Spook is more personality focused.
shadowplay Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I think it's so sad that Shadow and SaCWC seem to base "doing better" on looks. At least Spook is more personality focused. Not at all. Look at my post about her friends. I've told her many times I think she can do better on all counts.
Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Not at all. Look at my post about her friends. I've told her many times I think she can do better on all counts. But why does it even matter what he looks like? Why are you two comparing Spook's looks to his, and even using that as a measure of his relationship worth?
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Thanks SAC... you're sweet. However, I think the truth is that he is much more extroverted than I, so it will be far easier for him to replace me. This is true to some degree. Extroverted and confident people have much easier time finding girlfriends/boyfriends even if they are average looking. That is why those people can go for introverted/unconfident ones that are way better looking than them. Still....you should see him for what he is. He is nothing special spookie.
Author spookie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I think young adult life is a constant build/destroy/build until you settle down. Why is your group falling apart? I don't know much about your group, but the cynic in me wonders if you can't upgrade and find people who suit you even better. I got the impression from how you described them that they were pretty different from you in some ways. I also wonder if you'd be happier with friends who are your intellectual equals and have more interesting hobbies. Maybe these kids were academically smart, but I got the vibe they weren't especially reflective or interesting. Didn't they spend a lot of time just getting drunk at bars? Imagine having friends who were really interesting, did cool things and actually inspired you. Yep.. it's not so much that the group is falling apart, as I have checked out of it. The majority of what they do IS get drunk. And they're GREAT drinking buddies, very creative in terms of the settings (so it's not just at bars), and very fun to hang out with... but I'm just sick of the drinking. And having nothing to talk about aside from a joke or two when we're sober. I am looking for more than that. Right now, I am trying to save money, so it's easy to let those friends slip away. However, even here in Chicago, there are a couple of people that I hang out with who COULD be close friends. So it's not like I have that much to complain about. And looking at it more globally, maybe moving isn't so crazy. I would LOVE to be closer to my little brother, that kid is such a blast and I don't get to hang out with him. And my best friend lives 40 minutes away from my family. What's keeping me here, anyway? I think you feel empty because you feel intellectually and creatively deprived. Sure your job requires intelligence, but it only exercises a small portion of your brain, and you have a lot more that wants to find an outlet. Yah, this is true too....
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