I feel like I'm single =(

[spookie]

But why does it even matter what he looks like? Why are you two comparing Spook's looks to his, and even using that as a measure of his relationship worth?

 

Hehe, I'm not taking looks into that much consideration.

 

However, I do find my bf REALLY cute. Looking at him today made me sad because I know that physically I am really going to miss him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

But why does it even matter what he looks like? Why are you two comparing Spook's looks to his, and even using that as a measure of his relationship worth?

 

Because in real world (rather than fairytale idealistic world that some posters on LS like to portray) looks DO matter. They are not the only thing that matters, sure. But they still matter a lot to majority of people, male or female.

[spookie]

Honestly I think looks are 80% of what matters to my bf about me, the other 20% being that I have my s!ht together enough for him to want to date me.

 

I don't think he knows me that well, or cares.

 

As I have mentioned (is a problem for me), our relationship is really shallow.

[spookie]

Because in real world (rather than fairytale idealistic world that some posters on LS like to portray) looks DO matter. They are not the only thing that matters, sure. But they still matter a lot to majority of people, male or female.

 

I don't know. They don't matter that much to me, and I would hope to be loved regardless of what I looked like.

[SadandConfusedWA]

What sort of things do you talk about the most?

[TouchedByViolet]

Because in real world (rather than fairytale idealistic world that some posters on LS like to portray) looks DO matter. They are not the only thing that matters, sure. But they still matter a lot to majority of people, male or female.

 

Ok so here we have S&CWA describing your situation well.. then we have

 

Honestly I think looks are 80% of what matters to my bf about me, the other 20% being that I have my s!ht together enough for him to want to date me.

 

I don't think he knows me that well, or cares.

 

As I have mentioned (is a problem for me), our relationship is really shallow.

and

I don't know. They don't matter that much to me, and I would hope to be loved regardless of what I looked like.

 

This statement doesn't match your actions.

 

Sounds like this whole relationship is built with physical attractiveness and glued together with a fear of being alone...

[threebyfate]

Not sure what advice to give beyond saying that if your perception of your relationship is accurate, this type of relationship isn't good for your self-respect.

 

Being an object and playing a bit part in someone else's life is more pain than pleasure.

[Star Gazer]

However, I do find my bf REALLY cute. Looking at him today made me sad because I know that physically I am really going to miss him.

 

All that matters is whether YOU find them attractive. After all, YOU are the one dating them.

 

Because in real world (rather than fairytale idealistic world that some posters on LS like to portray) looks DO matter. They are not the only thing that matters, sure. But they still matter a lot to majority of people, male or female.

 

Looks only take you so far. You of all people should know that.

 

And since when does it matter what other people think of the attractiveness of one's SO? Why should Spook think she can "do better" than her BF based on someone else's opinion of his attractiveness?

 

All that matters is whether SPOOK is attracted to him. Not whether someone else thinks he's "more" or "less than"...

[spookie]

Guys... can we please veer off the topic of looks? They only matter so much to me as to depress me that this particular relationship appears to be based on them.

[spookie]

Not sure what advice to give beyond saying that if your perception of your relationship is accurate, this type of relationship isn't good for your self-respect.

 

Being an object and playing a bit part in someone else's life is more pain than pleasure.

 

Yep... I agree.

 

The reason I haven't yet left is that I am not sure if my perception is accurate.

[spookie]

Anyway, I'm not gonna do anything for the next couple of weeks. I'll let him get adjusted to grad school, while I set things up on my end so that it doesn't feel like I'm falling when the R does end.

[threebyfate]

Yep... I agree.

 

The reason I haven't yet left is that I am not sure if my perception is accurate.

Which is why I mentioned that aspect. Sometimes when you're down, you'll swing perception.

 

The only person who can answer this question is him. Add in that his last ex wanted more time and commitment from him so he bailed, and you've got an uncomfortable situation. If you're tired of feeling marginalized, the weight of risking loss might be worthwhile to you.

 

One thing is fact. He's not making any time for you right now so I would stop making time for him. Forget the booty calls. If he wants some, he'll have to spend some real time with you which includes the element of honest intimacy. If this scares him away, your question has been answered.

[spookie]

Which is why I mentioned that aspect. Sometimes when you're down, you'll swing perception.

 

The only person who can answer this question is him. Add in that his last ex wanted more time and commitment from him so he bailed, and you've got an uncomfortable situation. If you're tired of feeling marginalized, the weight of risking loss might be worthwhile to you.

 

One thing is fact. He's not making any time for you right now so I would stop making time for him. Forget the booty calls. If he wants some, he'll have to spend some real time with you which includes the element of honest intimacy. If this scares him away, your question has been answered.

 

Yah. I am making it really easy for him to treat me in a way that makes me feel marginalized. For example last night I went over to his place as soon as he called, which was at midnight, and had sex with him even though I felt like I was with a stranger. I have a bad habit of keeping up pretenses, a deep-seated fear of disappointing that makes me pre-disposed to act.

 

Before we parted I kissed him goodbye and told him to have a great week. I COULD have asked, when am I going to see you? Why I invited to any of your dinners this week? questions to which knowing the answers might have made me feel better, but fearing the answers, I din't.

 

This terrible communication IS a two-way street.

 

A note about the ex: I recently learned that she'd repeatedly cheated on him. Which doesn't make his treatment of her right, but I don't think we can blame him for bailing.

 

Edit: and maybe I'm making excuses, tryign to find exceptions to his behaivior to make myself believe it's possible he might care. I don't know. This is the trouble with being half-crazy. I really don't trust my perception of things.

[spookie]

He DID bring me back a bag of coffee from Panama. And a mini bottle of beer dressed as a Panamanian.

 

And he recounted his trip in such great detail as to make me believe he was assuaging my fears that he might have cheated on me. Which, I'll admit, were heavy in my mind, making me wonder if he wasn't recounting so many details, as to cover his tracks. Which is what I would've done, except I'd never cheat.

[spookie]

Thanks for the input guys...

 

I think overanalyzing any further would be crazy, so, end discussion.

 

I will leave this up in the air for a couple of weeks, prioritizing my own life, but if I don't feel any differently, it's definitely over. What I know for sure is that breaking up won't kill me.

[threebyfate]

When your mind goes off into possibilities, it needs to get back to facts.

One thing is fact. He's not making any time for you right now so I would stop making time for him. Forget the booty calls. If he wants some, he'll have to spend some real time with you which includes the element of honest intimacy. If this scares him away, your question has been answered.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know life is a constant of build/ destroy/ build better, but still, this part sucks, and it's hard.

Try on this idea: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

 

I know it's true for me. I have gotten much smarter after every relationship, and I know better all the time how to take good care of myself and make the life for myself that I want. This means I am more successful, more fun, more magnetic, more powerful, and much more at ease.

 

Eventually, you will be secure, and you'll stop looking to a man to validate you, and stop hinging your happiness upon any man's possibly foolish whims.

[Imajerk17]

Yah, this is how it's been with him. He prioritizes anything and everything relating to grad school over our relationship. The sad thing is, I think if I mentioned this to him, he'd laugh in my face and then dump ME, because I know he's extremely ambitious, and his professional life IS more important to him than I am.

 

To a degree, I understand. I value my career a lot, too, and I have aspirations outside the relationship. However, I think his view is kind of extreme, and exacerbated by the fact that he believes the most important aspect of his particular grad program, is the networking, which means he's always out meeting new people, I'm never invited, and already, I feel like a stranger.

 

I honestly felt uncomfortable having sex with him last night because it felt a bit like a ONS.

 

There may not be anything wrong with what he's doing, but I think I'm starting to realize that we're just too different to be together. I'm looking for something he's not really willing to offer me.

 

I will give you the blunt no-holds-barred perspective as a guy in that situation.

 

(1) I have put my career first too in this situation, but I always found ways to make my girlfriend (when I was in a relationship) feel part of it. As in, I would have her over while I worked to share space with me. I would be working, but her legs would be in my lap and i would be massaging her feet. Get the picture?

 

What I am saying is that there are ways to fit in both career and relationship.

 

(2) We guys have a tendency to take you our girl for granted, and not see you as much, when the sex becomes routine. I did that when it always kept happening the same damn way every time. And more and more I found myself 'tired' and 'busy'.

 

I don't know how relevant (2) is. I am a new poster, and I am not aware of the entire backstory.

[Els]

I think you really should talk to him instead of setting quiet ultimatums and then just dumping him out of the blue a couple of weeks later if he doesn't read your mind.

[northstar1]

I would first talk to him about it and how you feel. Both him and you need to give a little. He needs to be understanding of your needs, and you need to be understanding of his.

 

Some people would not be able to deal with coming in "second," but this is what happens sometimes in relationships -- it doesn't mean it's permanent though. Relationships go through times like these, and relationship change.

 

However, no one would fault you if this was something you couldn't deal with. It doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, just what you're willing and able to put up with.

 

I agree with this. you need to talk to him. And people do get busy with other things in life (school, projects, whatever) and sometimes it means fo a period of time (a few weeks months etc), you may have to adjust your schedules and compromise or deal with the fact your time together might be cut down. As long as there is communication and an understanding that it's temporary, the relationship should be able to handle it. Sure, it isn't fun. However, if this is something that is becoming permanent, and he isn't makign the effort to explain why he's busy and still trying to fit you in when he can to see you, then it might be time to consider the futuure.

[Raderick]

I think you really should talk to him instead of setting quiet ultimatums and then just dumping him out of the blue a couple of weeks later if he doesn't read your mind.

 

What Elswyth said.

[spookie]

I agree with this. you need to talk to him. And people do get busy with other things in life (school, projects, whatever) and sometimes it means fo a period of time (a few weeks months etc), you may have to adjust your schedules and compromise or deal with the fact your time together might be cut down. As long as there is communication and an understanding that it's temporary, the relationship should be able to handle it. Sure, it isn't fun. However, if this is something that is becoming permanent, and he isn't makign the effort to explain why he's busy and still trying to fit you in when he can to see you, then it might be time to consider the futuure.

 

I wish we had communication. I am having trouble with the fact that I probably won't hear from him at ALL for a week or so.

[Raderick]

I wish we had communication. I am having trouble with the fact that I probably won't hear from him at ALL for a week or so.

 

Insist to him that you two talk REALLY soon. Hopefully that will paint the picture that something is going on.

[spookie]

Insist to him that you two talk REALLY soon. Hopefully that will paint the picture that something is going on.

 

I don't think that's gonna fly. He's let me know he's going to be REALLY busy until this weekend, when he's going home for this mother's birthday. He "might" be able to see me on Labor Day.

[spookie]

Blah. I am such becoming such a bitter person.