I feel like I'm single =(

[spookie]

The last time my bf and I had a date was about a month ago.

 

We don't talk on the phone, either.

 

The trouble is, we've both been busy - although he's much busier than me.

 

He's starting grad school and it's the #1 thing on his mind. They have activities around the clock that he doesn't invite me to (although SO's are welcome) so lately I have only seen him for the occasional booty call for which I'm the one making the trip to his place.

 

Last night I went to see him for the first time after he was out of the country for a week, and I got kicked out as soon as we woke up this morning. =(

 

Breakup time?

 

Or time for me to be more understanding??

[kalikula]

Tell him that you expect to spend more time together and talk more.

 

If he doesn't shape up, Dump him!

[Mad Max]

Tell him that you expect to spend more time together and talk more.

 

If he doesn't shape up, Dump him!

 

 

This. Give him one chance and if nothing changes, then kick him to the curb.

[spookie]

I think I'm going to set a deadline in my head for when I expect to be integrated into his new life, but in the meantime, cut him some slack.

 

This isn't the only issue making me question whether he's someone I want to be with, but at the same time, I don't want to make a rash decision only to regret it later.

[NYCGirly]

Break up time. Nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling single. I'd rather feel single and actually be single. That's pretty much how it was with my last ex. He was starting a grad program (I'd already finished mine) and had that and a lot more on his plate. He BARELY made time for me.

 

Usually the only time we'd talk on the phone was when he was driving home from classes at night (which took about 10 minutes) and then once he pulled up to his place it was "alright, I'm home...g'night"....We stopped going out on fun little dates. The only reason I'd see him was for hooking up. I was miserable.

 

I finally decided that his half-assed-ness was not enough for me so I broke up with him and I felt better the very second I did it.

[K'aycie]

The last time my bf and I had a date was about a month ago.

 

We don't talk on the phone, either.

 

The trouble is, we've both been busy - although he's much busier than me.

 

He's starting grad school and it's the #1 thing on his mind. They have activities around the clock that he doesn't invite me to (although SO's are welcome) so lately I have only seen him for the occasional booty call for which I'm the one making the trip to his place.

 

Last night I went to see him for the first time after he was out of the country for a week, and I got kicked out as soon as we woke up this morning. =(

 

Breakup time?

 

Or time for me to be more understanding??

 

I would not break up with a boyfriend under the circumstances you described, unless the only time we spent together was being physical and then leaving shortly thereafter, because then yes, that doesn't really sound like a bf/gf relationship.

 

I would be upset if I had not seen him in a month but you've been in a relationship for some time and he's going through grad school, so you have to take that all into consideration and def talk to him about it first.

[spookie]

Break up time. Nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling single. I'd rather feel single and actually be single. That's pretty much how it was with my last ex. He was starting a grad program (I'd already finished mine) and had that and a lot more on his plate. He BARELY made time for me.

 

Usually the only time we'd talk on the phone was when he was driving home from classes at night (which took about 10 minutes) and then once he pulled up to his place it was "alright, I'm home...g'night"....We stopped going out on fun little dates. The only reason I'd see him was for hooking up. I was miserable.

 

I finally decided that his half-assed-ness was not enough for me so I broke up with him and I felt better the very second I did it.

 

Yah, this is how it's been with him. He prioritizes anything and everything relating to grad school over our relationship. The sad thing is, I think if I mentioned this to him, he'd laugh in my face and then dump ME, because I know he's extremely ambitious, and his professional life IS more important to him than I am.

 

To a degree, I understand. I value my career a lot, too, and I have aspirations outside the relationship. However, I think his view is kind of extreme, and exacerbated by the fact that he believes the most important aspect of his particular grad program, is the networking, which means he's always out meeting new people, I'm never invited, and already, I feel like a stranger.

 

I honestly felt uncomfortable having sex with him last night because it felt a bit like a ONS.

 

There may not be anything wrong with what he's doing, but I think I'm starting to realize that we're just too different to be together. I'm looking for something he's not really willing to offer me.

[TaraMaiden]

I actually know how you feel.

My partner has just finished a 4-year university Law Course. He's got his 1st Class with Honours, but boy, have I ever felt sidelined and back-burnered sometimes.

he too was involved with a lot of extra-curricular and networking activities and I never went to any of them.

 

there's no question our relationship took second place, but this I know, for sure;

 

He could never, but never, have done it without me.

 

I went into this eyes wide open, but neither of us knew just how hard it was going to be. he's been obsessed, driven, determined and single-minded.

But it's paid off.

 

Think of the long run end-game.

Will he be worth hanging on to , when he achieves his goal and really makes something of his life, due to all his hard work now?

And don't you think, if you stick by him, you deserve a piece of that?

[Ruby Slippers]

I started mentally formulating my exit plan from the ex when I realized that I felt lonelier with him than I ever did single.

 

I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. I have thought that every time I've read a thread of yours about him. Sorry.

[kalikula]

Wait a minute... If you brought up this issue your bf would laugh in your face and dump you?

 

Sounds like there's more problems than just not spending enough time together.. You deserve more respect than that!

[denise_xo]

Hi spookie, no I don't think you need to be more understanding. From the perspective of someone in your bf's shoes (I'm doing a PhD), all I can say is that it really takes you over, in so many ways (emotional, time wise, etc.) and it's really not a 9-5 type of project. For me, it's not an issue of being ambitious in the career oriented sense (number of publications or pleasing professors or stuff like that), it's more that your research becomes something you're fully emotionally and intellectually immersed in, and it does at times take precedence over human relationships. Not saying that's good or right, but it's a common ailment for those in your bf's situation and it can definitely be really detrimental for LTRs as well as your general social life. If I'm quite honest, I probably wouldn't put up with myself right now if I had to make that choice.

[Star Gazer]

I started mentally formulating my exit plan from the ex when I realized that I felt lonelier with him than I ever did single.

 

I was incredibly lonely in my last relationship too. And we spent TONS of time together.

[pandagirl]

I would first talk to him about it and how you feel. Both him and you need to give a little. He needs to be understanding of your needs, and you need to be understanding of his.

 

Some people would not be able to deal with coming in "second," but this is what happens sometimes in relationships -- it doesn't mean it's permanent though. Relationships go through times like these, and relationship change.

 

However, no one would fault you if this was something you couldn't deal with. It doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, just what you're willing and able to put up with.

[meerkat stew]

He needs to schedule such that he can include you in his life. It is something we all must learn eventually. He should also be inviting you to school social events. Grad school is tough on relationships, but he is being inconsiderate. Try not to give ultimatums, but discuss, tell him exactly the behavior you expect of him sparing general terms, "I would like to spend at least X time with you every week, and want you to be free to go out away from school and do something with me once per week." or whatever your specific expectations are. Give him a reasonable amount of time to adjust and then go from there.

[Feelin Frisky]

... Breakup time?

 

Or time for me to be more understanding??

 

Hard to tell there Spookie girl. People DO have to make sacrifices to achieve position in the world. Maybe your SO gets that and is throwing himself into it. I caution that you can actually cut yourself out of synergy with him by being needful. But of course, you have needs too and it does seem that months are rolling by and you are being marginalized.

 

Who doesn't want to have at least some symbols of connection and loyalty? I can't say it's break up time, but it does seem like serious communication time. If he comes clean and expresses a positive desire to try to make it with you, you'll know that it will be your sacrifice too, to let him progress to degree and the rewards which may ensue. It is not fair though for you to make sacrifices without an understanding that your sacrifice will be rewarded by him. Be delicate and dispassionate when attempting the "we need to talk" scenario. Good luck.

[spookie]

 

I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. I have thought that every time I've read a thread of yours about him. Sorry.

 

Thanks. To be honest, I don't think it's going anywhere, either. Even if I ignore all the little ways I feel slighted and mis-treated at times, there remains the fact that after nearly a year, we don't have any kind of emotional connection.

 

I've been giving a lot of thought as to what this "emotional connection" that we are lacking really is, and I've decided that to me, it's just sympathy - a heightened awareness of the other person's feelings - an ability to share feelings, if you will. With my bf, I never have any clue wtf he is thinking OR feeling, and vice versa. Maybe this isn't a big deal to some people, but I identify this connection as "love", and I don't know that I can just live without it for the rest of my life.

 

I wonder if he knows something is missing.

 

It's hard to leave because he is so intelligent, fun to be around, funny, good in bed, and good-looking, and, of course, I enjoy what little comfort he offers and I am terrified of facing the emptiness again, but that's not enough, and at this point, I'm confident it's not spontaneously going to turn into "something more".

[spookie]

Ugh... it was probably unfair to start a thread regarding ONE of the issues, when it's the others, especially in combination, that are starting to become deal-breakers.

 

I do feel marginalized right now... but I think I would be accepting of that if I felt like he was just doing what he had to do, and was looking forward to a time when we could be together.

 

However, I just feel like he hasn't gotten around to dumping me yet, because he hasn't met someone new. Moreover, I find it hard to even fault him for that, because I don't think we have much of a connection that makes us special to one another.

 

Relationships can adapt and survive... but only if they are strong to begin with, only if there's a will to make it work. I am not sure I see any reason to make it work with this guy (and vice versa) other than "it's going to take some time to find someone else hot and smart enough for me".

[spookie]

Or maybe I am being really harsh, and undervaluing what we have.

 

Fcvk, I really don't know.

 

My friends are jealous of me and are convinced I'm gonna marry this guy. Everyone thinks I think he's the funniest guy in the world.

 

How is it that the image I am projecting is so different than how I feel??

[denise_xo]

.

 

My friends are jealous of me and are convinced I'm gonna marry this guy. Everyone thinks I think he's the funniest guy in the world.

 

 

That's not a good reason for staying with someone. You know him better than they do. Not encouraging you to leave, but it really doesn't matter what other people think. My friends liked my ex, too, but they weren't living with him...

[Ruby Slippers]

spookie, I think deep down, you know this doesn't have staying power. I'm sorry. Believe me, I know how much this hurts.

 

I was in the same situation as you with my last guy, with the exception that he told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me. But something was always missing, and it was that empathy and emotional support and connection you're talking about.

 

My friends LOVED him. They thought he was hot as hell, funny, always up for a good time, go-get-em, and crazy about me. And he was. Female friends were constantly asking me, "Does he have a brother?!"

 

But I NEVER felt secure with him for more than a few days (always on vacation, when the outside world melted away), and it was because some part of him was not all in, and I felt it down to my bones.

 

I was incredibly lonely in my last relationship too. And we spent TONS of time together.

Yep. It's not about the time.

 

In the relationship in which I felt the strongest emotional bond, the greatest level of support, I felt solid and secure whether we spent a lot of time together or not much at all, due to outside demands. And that's because every single day, he took the time to express to me how important I was to him, to ruminate about how wonderful what he had was, and where we were going together. And if I did need him, he was there in a flash, ready and eager to support me.

 

spookie, you strike me as an intelligent, loving, great girl. There's no reason for you to feel unloved, unsupported, and lonely in a relationship!

 

Listen to your inner voice here.

[TouchedByViolet]

spookie, you strike me as an intelligent, loving, great girl. There's no reason for you to feel unloved, unsupported, and lonely in a relationship!

 

 

+1

 

The tone of your situation sounds nearly futile to me... make sure to express the lack of satisfaction in your relationship to your bf. If he deeply cares about you he will make compromises.

[spookie]

If he deeply cares about you he will make compromises.

 

I am certain that he does not, and he has never expressed any indication otherwise.

 

I went into this with an attitude I'd never espoused before, thinking I'd give something new a try. I didn't feel a connection with him, I didn't even particularly feel he was a good match, but I'd spent SO many years getting over my ex, and subsequently in an unrequited relationship with my boss, that I figured, why NOT go on a date with this guy who is expressing interest that I don't see potential with? One date turned into three or four, and even though something was missing, continuing to see him still seemed like a healthier alternative than being SO single and lonely.

 

And maybe, it was. I mean, I don't have regrets yet. I learned a lot, maybe not about relationships, but it was great to be around someone so different from me, so extroverted and organized. Watching him function helped me get my s!ht together in a big way.

 

But just because I admire some qualities of his, STILL doesn't mean he's a good partner....

 

Ugh, sorry for ranting.

 

I wish it was easier to follow my inner voice. I've never had a problem with it in the past, but in this situation, I am actually at the point where I wish it COULD work out with this guy, because I DO really like him.

[Star Gazer]

As John Mayer would say, you're slow dancing in a burning room, Spook.

 

Get out before you get burned.

[spookie]

As John Mayer would say, you're slow dancing in a burning room, Spook.

 

Get out before you get burned.

 

Ugh, I am afraid I'll regress back to being in full-time love with my boss.

 

Who is still single. Who I still think is perfect for me.

[shadowplay]

I agree with others that this relationship has an expiry date. Why are you clinging to it, Spookie? I guess I can understand, since I've done the same. It's so easy to believe that you're the exception.

 

As for feeling lonely/single even when you're in a relationship I can totally relate. With my ex-ex, it wasn't until later that I realized how alone I was with him. I realized recently that he's mysteriously absent from all of my memories of things we did together. Like I remember going camping or going to a drive-in, but it takes me a few seconds to recall if it was with him or some other guy.

Edited August 29, 2010 by shadowplay