"I took him to the cleaners"

[bentnotbroken]

Perhaps she has NOT become a "gloating cruel woman." She MAY be one of the most wonderful women in the world, kind to everyone who hasn't shyte on her.

 

Here ....here.

[bentnotbroken]

I never said she was evil, I said she seemed cruel. I don't think gloating over "taking him to the cleaners" is good. I don't think gloating is good, period.

 

As for your "basically it's all her fault" statement, I'm not sure what you are alluding to. Is it her fault he cheated? Of course not. Is it her fault that she allowed his actions to affect her behavior? Yes. If we each aren't in control of our own behavior, then who is?

 

 

I don't think that BS are damned, period. However, I think it's every bit as sad that the BS apparently allowed herself to become a gloating cruel woman as that the WS cheated.

 

 

Of course not. Why ever would you think that I would think that? She should get half of everything they amassed over their years together. If they amassed a lot, she should get a lot. But she shouldn't get an unfair amount.

 

Cruel may create cruel in some people. I say that it's sad for the person who allows it to happen them.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way condoning his actions, but I think the mental health of women in general is not helped by a cheering section of "You go girl, get him back". I believe strongly that people can be better people, not worse - though I've got to admit that reading this thread makes me pretty sad.

 

 

:lmao:Thanks again. :lmao:

[bentnotbroken]

No one is touching it because there is no evidence of it. All it does is blame the BS for the H's shytty behavior. I don't care if she was the lousiest wife in the state! She didn't deserve to be cheated on. Our state allows a BS to sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery. She did.

She was happy with her settlement. I'm happy for her. Period.

 

Fair warning to cheaters, men and women alike: Cheat in a fault state, and your BS just might call you on it.

 

 

Exactly. But apparently in her state their was enough evidence to legally take what she was entitled to under the law pursuant to his actions. I go by the bible and adultery isn't defined by all those points thrown out the by ST. It is sex with another person's partner. The issues that she brought up were addressed and they had their own consequences, as does gloating(pride) if that is what you mean. So allowing herself to do what ever you think she did...fine by me. Call me sad, shallow, mean spirited, I don't give a fat rat's arse, but I am happy when sometimes it appears someone has been vindicated. Just like the the other BS in our situation. When he got what he wanted...I was good with that.

[silktricks]

Perhaps she has NOT become a "gloating cruel woman." She MAY be one of the most wonderful women in the world, kind to everyone who hasn't shyte on her.

That may be true, and that's why I have consistently used the words apparently and it seems to me. But regardless of her supposed kindness I would still say it's sad that she apparently couldn't be graceful towards someone she once loved - regardless of what he did. Someone who crows to all and sundry that she "took him to the cleaners", doesn't appear to be wonderful or kind. I think this thread is pretty interesting, and at the same time unbelievably sad.

 

What I guess you folks don't realize is that my sadness isn't over what happened to him, and that seems to be what you all believe. It's over what happened to her.

 

Everyone has made up their own mind about this couple. He's rich and a worker, she's a stay at home mom, etc.... No one really knows their story, including me. But just like you made up your story, so did I. My story is sad. Here's a couple. Young, happy, in love. They work hard over the years, and make a fairly good income. He works, maybe she works, too, maybe not. But over time, they grow apart. He works too much and starts to think too well of himself, possibly he starts to get an "entitlement" attitude. She busies herself with things - maybe children, maybe work, maybe hobbies - maybe maybe, maybe, who knows? He has an affair, maybe two, maybe three, even, maybe he falls in love with someone else. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Up to now, the story is sad, but pretty much equally sad for both people, IMO. They had something and don't have it any more. They could part company, divvy up their material goods and be on their way.

 

In my story though, she wants to "get even" with him. She wants to take all of his money and make him pay. And she does - and she brags about it to anyone who will listen. What has that done to her? Is that a healthy life to live? One of vengeance? Anger? Hatred? Why is it that most of the women here cheer on that attitude? What good - true good - healthy good - is that for the woman? Forget the man. He is at this point less than nothing in my story.

 

So, we all make a story, based on the original post. You don't like where I went with mine. You find it highly amusing or irritating or even aggravating that I feel sad for what the woman has apparently allowed to happen to herself. Standing up for oneself does not have to mean tearing down another person. I have great admiration for people who stand up for themselves, who don't bow down even in the face of great hardship or great sorrow. Those people, the ones who remain calm and strong in the face of calamity are my heroes - not the ones who feel the need to pay someone back for the hurt they have received. People who think the only strength is in payback IMO show weakness.

Edited September 1, 2010 by silktricks

[silktricks]

I go by the bible and adultery isn't defined by all those points thrown out the by ST. It is sex with another person's partner.

What on earth does this have to do with anything I said?

[bentnotbroken]

That may be true, and that's why I have consistently used the words apparently and it seems to me. But regardless of her supposed kindness I would still say it's sad that she apparently couldn't be graceful towards someone she once loved - regardless of what he did. Someone who crows to all and sundry that she "took him to the cleaners", doesn't appear to be wonderful or kind. I think this thread is pretty interesting, and at the same time unbelievably sad.

 

What I guess you folks don't realize is that my sadness isn't over what happened to him, and that seems to be what you all believe. It's over what happened to her.

 

Everyone has made up their own mind about this couple. He's rich and a worker, she's a stay at home mom, etc.... No one really knows their story, including me. But just like you made up your story, so did I. My story is sad. Here's a couple. Young, happy, in love. They work hard over the years, and make a fairly good income. He works, maybe she works, too, maybe not. But over time, they grow apart. He works too much and starts to think too well of himself, possibly he starts to get an "entitlement" attitude. She busies herself with things - maybe children, maybe work, maybe hobbies - maybe maybe, maybe, who knows? He has an affair, maybe two, maybe three, even, maybe he falls in love with someone else. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Up to now, the story is sad, but pretty much equally sad for both people, IMO. They had something and don't have it any more. They could part company, divvy up their material goods and be on their way.

 

In my story though, she wants to "get even" with him. She wants to take all of his money and make him pay. And she does - and she brags about it to anyone who will listen. What has that done to her? Is that a healthy life to live? One of vengeance? Anger? Hatred? Why is it that most of the women here cheer on that attitude? What good - true good - healthy good - is that for the woman? Forget the man. He is at this point less than nothing in my story.

 

So, we all make a story, based on the original post. You don't like where I went with mine. You find it highly amusing or irritating or even aggravating that I feel sad for what the woman has apparently allowed to happen to herself. Standing up for oneself does not have to mean tearing down another person. I have great admiration for people who stand up for themselves, who don't bow down even in the face of great hardship or great sorrow. Those people, the ones who remain calm and strong in the face of calamity are my heroes - not the ones who feel the need to pay someone back for the hurt they have received. People who think the only strength is in payback IMO show weakness.

 

 

I knew exactly what you meant. I just didn't make the assumption that she is living in a "state" of vengeance and anger. I read it as something that she was pissed about at the time and she has or will get it out of her system (I did). And yes I find it amusing because you prescribe one particular way to heal. It may work for some people, not so much for others, but it by no means implies that healing hasn't or won't take place.

 

So it isn't what you would do, we get that. But it is what some one else might do and it doesn't mean they will stay "stuck" in some dungeon of vindictiveness for eternity. You made an assumption she is filled with anger and hatred instead of dealing with the emotions head on and dispelling their power.

 

I don't know what life holds in store for her, but I do know I am not filled with anger, vengeance or hatred. But those were overwhelming emotions in the beginning. I worked through them. Maybe not in healthy way in your eyes, but certainly healthy enough for me.

[donnamaybe]

I'm confused by the assumption that this event has forevermore turned this woman into a vengeful harpie.

 

I have told a few stories to various people about how I outsmarted my selfish ex and his enabling mother during our divorce. Yes, I relish that I came out on top in that little scenario because, believe me, I deserved it after what I went through trying to put up with his self absorbed ways AND his mother's patronizing, condescending attitude toward me as his wife.

 

HOWEVER, that event has NOT turned me into a horrible person bent on taking advantage of every man I come across, then crowing loudly about it at every turn.

[bentnotbroken]

What on earth does this have to do with anything I said?

 

I apologize, I knew it was CCL, but when I was answering your name popped into my mind. Again my apologies.

 

No one wants to touch that there are different forms of cheating. Perhaps this woman after her children were born (and given her age and the fact they are adults now) basicaly told her exH that she never wanted sex again. That's cheating. Or maybe she harped up one side and down the other about how worthless he was because he didn't do what she wanted. That's another form of cheating. But you won't talk about this because you don't think its worse then the physical act. But emotional cheting is still cheating and those are forms of that. It doesn't make it right but it makes BOTH guilty.

[donnamaybe]

She wants to take all of his money and make him pay. And she does - and she brags about it to anyone who will listen. What has that done to her? Is that a healthy life to live? One of vengeance? Anger? Hatred? .

I don't think she's angry any more.

[silktricks]

I knew exactly what you meant. I just didn't make the assumption that she is living in a "state" of vengeance and anger. I read it as something that she was pissed about at the time and she has or will get it out of her system (I did). And yes I find it amusing because you prescribe one particular way to heal. It may work for some people, not so much for others, but it by no means implies that healing hasn't or won't take place.

 

 

Actually, to be exact, I did not prescribe a way to heal. I stated that I thought what she allowed to happen to herself was sad. Whether or not she stays in that mode is really not the point, either. You are assuming that I think she will stay there - maybe so, maybe not. But regardless of whether or not she stays there, she has IMO damaged her psyche by not taking the high road. I'd also like to add that "taking the high road" does NOT mean not getting her just due. She deserves every bit of the assets that she deserves. Being vindictive or crowing about "taking him to the cleaners" is not that.

 

Can she recover from that damage? Yes, she can. But had she never turned vindictive, then she wouldn't have to recover. She'd already wear the halo. The saying "the best vengeance is living well" has a lot to commend it.

Edited September 1, 2010 by silktricks

[Mimolicious]

I agree. The BS is always expected to be a saint and let the vile behavior of others affect them negatively and never get angry and do something about it.

 

Even when its perfectly legal, people still seem to think the BS is just going to walk away and never exact anything on the person that wasted their lives - often for years.

 

I imagine in the case mentioned in this thread that they had been married for many years and the woman endured much mistreatment during the course of this M before deciding that enough was enough.

 

I think some women hate getting a man that has financial obligations to an ex. I can't say I blame them, as I wouldn't like that either. But it isn't their fault that the man merged his "company" with his ex's only to break the agreement. Marriage is as much a legal contract as it is a R. No one would let a business partner defraud them without getting back what is legally theirs, so why do people expect spouses to let the other spouse defraud them.

 

Fraud is cruel. Far more cruel than taking some cheater to the cleaners in a divorce.

 

 

and a DOUBLE WHAMMY when your business partner is the same cheating partner. BOOYAH!

 

Talk is cheap... Anyone here can say what they want about another person getting theirs. After all, it was not their time, feelings, hopes, dreams, hard work, kids, etc affected by 2 people "magically" living.

If everyone gets judge based on their actions, that leaves noone exempt. To say the least is straight up hypocritical.

[silktricks]

And, just for the record, people on this thread have also made stories about my postings. I didn't say she'd be stuck in a dungeon of vengefulness of eternity, I didn't say she was a "vengeful harpie", I said

"In my story though, she wants to "get even" with him. She wants to take all of his money and make him pay. And she does - and she brags about it to anyone who will listen. What has that done to her? Is that a healthy life to live? One of vengeance? Anger? Hatred?"

You assumed that I meant forever.

 

So I ask again. In your opinion, is showing vengeance, anger and hatred healthy? Is it healthy for the person experiencing those feelings, the person living those feelings? Even if you only live them for a short period of time - is it healthy? Is it instead sad? Sad that a person can allow themselves to be in that situation, especially because of someone they once loved?

[Mimolicious]

Because in modern day relationships most things are about gender. There is no way a betrayed man would ever get cheered on like this. Both genders pretty much cheated on equally these days but men get labeled as the villian no matter which side of the coin we are on.

 

 

Incorrect. I dealt with Chris Judd while he was dealing with his divorce from his exHo. This dude walked away with $17 million duckets. Part of that was to keep his mouth shut and the rest you can figure it out...

 

We went to a strip club to celebrate, basically on HER TAB!

 

So gender does not matter. Society does see more of these settlements being awarded to a BW, but ask yourself why first.

[Mimolicious]

I never said she was evil, I said she seemed cruel. I don't think gloating over "taking him to the cleaners" is good. I don't think gloating is good, period.

 

As for your "basically it's all her fault" statement, I'm not sure what you are alluding to. Is it her fault he cheated? Of course not. Is it her fault that she allowed his actions to affect her behavior? Yes. If we each aren't in control of our own behavior, then who is?

 

 

I don't think that BS are damned, period. However, I think it's every bit as sad that the BS apparently allowed herself to become a gloating cruel woman as that the WS cheated.

 

 

Of course not. Why ever would you think that I would think that? She should get half of everything they amassed over their years together. If they amassed a lot, she should get a lot. But she shouldn't get an unfair amount.

 

Cruel may create cruel in some people. I say that it's sad for the person who allows it to happen them.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way condoning his actions, but I think the mental health of women in general is not helped by a cheering section of "You go girl, get him back". I believe strongly that people can be better people, not worse - though I've got to admit that reading this thread makes me pretty sad.

 

 

Don't be. Aren't we the same people that say "People get what they deserve"?

[donnamaybe]

And, just for the record, people on this thread have also made stories about my postings. I didn't say she'd be stuck in a dungeon of vengefulness of eternity, I didn't say she was a "vengeful harpie", I said You assumed that I meant forever.

 

So I ask again. In your opinion, is showing vengeance, anger and hatred healthy? Is it healthy for the person experiencing those feelings, the person living those feelings? Even if you only live them for a short period of time - is it healthy? Is it instead sad? Sad that a person can allow themselves to be in that situation, especially because of someone they once loved?

Yes, sometimes it helps a person to heal to actually be HAPPY about having gotten one over on the person who f'd with their life. Why is that so difficult to understand?

 

As for the "forever" business, when you claim someone is "living a life" of ANYTHING, that makes it sound like that is now the person's basis for living - HOW they live their life. Not just a moment of a certain emotion.

[Mimolicious]

The difference is I didn't pass judgement on you until you passed it on me. You ignored the majority of what I had to say here except to harp on the fact that I have an open marriage. Sounds like the problem therefore lies with you.

 

And yeah, I do think its women like you, and the rest of the cheerleaders in this thread that give women a bad name like Woggle says. I do think if it were reversed you might say "oh that is bad good of the man to get out" but you certainly wouldn't be crowing from the rafters going "get her, dude!" like you were this woman.

 

No one wants to touch that there are different forms of cheating. Perhaps this woman after her children were born (and given her age and the fact they are adults now) basicaly told her exH that she never wanted sex again. That's cheating. Or maybe she harped up one side and down the other about how worthless he was because he didn't do what she wanted. That's another form of cheating. But you won't talk about this because you don't think its worse then the physical act. But emotional cheting is still cheating and those are forms of that. It doesn't make it right but it makes BOTH guilty.

 

But no...alll you want to talk about is the fact that at times, maybe two or thre times a year we invite a woman into our bed with us.

 

On the first bold comment- CrazyCat with all due respect. You have posted on this very same thread info that can give ANY one a bad name as well. Don't cast stones because nobody lives a squeaky-clean life. Your general name calling is offensive. I took my xH to the cleaners. What's the problem? You don't know the story so please don't generalize. May I add, that whole swingers life- nothing negative about it. Made me... (ummm- you can PM me about it and I can tell you the rest). Have nothing against it and wouldn't insult you for participating in it, even though in my intimate life I am against it. Who would think...

 

On your cheating examples- I fell off my chair. Oops! let me not break it, before I have to expense it to my xH's supply budget. (jk)

 

Last bold- THAT'S IT?????????????????

[donnamaybe]

On a side note, I find it VERY difficult - no, impossible - to believe that any person NEVER gets even with someone who's done them wrong and then is happy about it.

[Mimolicious]

I'm confused by the assumption that this event has forevermore turned this woman into a vengeful harpie.

 

I have told a few stories to various people about how I outsmarted my selfish ex and his enabling mother during our divorce. Yes, I relish that I came out on top in that little scenario because, believe me, I deserved it after what I went through trying to put up with his self absorbed ways AND his mother's patronizing, condescending attitude toward me as his wife.

 

HOWEVER, that event has NOT turned me into a horrible person bent on taking advantage of every man I come across, then crowing loudly about it at every turn.

 

Didn't turn me into one either. BUT I'd tell you this much, I sure look like Candy for man who want to take advantage and freeload. Thank God for my Cavalli frames I see them coming. LOL!

 

I have worked very hard to make, get, keep what I have. The abuse landed me in a very dark place so I went shopping for nude tones.

 

BTW- No, I am not materialistic, dahlings (*mariah's talking voice*). I have lived around the world where running water is luxury, I could care less about material things. SO for those that may want to come sideways, just want to save you the trip.

[donnamaybe]

Christ on a cracker! Thanks, Mimolicious, I can't believe I missed this insult!I think I have posted several times that if the person in my OP was a man, I would be cheering him on with just as much gusto. I guess some people see what they want to see so they can throw stones at others...

 

Man! The "women like you" comment is a hardcore cutdown! What a rude insult to fellow LoveShack members!

No kidding! "Women like you," meaning women who don't lay on the front porch and say "welcome" when some guy wants to wipe his boots on 'em?

[Dexter Morgan]

But what if the woman was a stay at home mom, as agreed upon by the both of them, and he amassed a small fortune. Is she now supposed to live like a pauper?

 

No, she is entitled to 1/2 of that amassed small fortune that accumulated while they were married, and child support.

 

As far as her own expenses after the divorce, that is her responsibility.

 

I pay enough support to provide for ALL of my kids' expenses. If my ex-wife can't pay her own portion of the bills, that isn't my problem. With what I give her she doesn't have to use any of her income to provide for them, except half of daycare which won't be an issue in the upcoming year.

[bentnotbroken]

And, just for the record, people on this thread have also made stories about my postings. I didn't say she'd be stuck in a dungeon of vengefulness of eternity, I didn't say she was a "vengeful harpie", I said You assumed that I meant forever.

 

So I ask again. In your opinion, is showing vengeance, anger and hatred healthy? Is it healthy for the person experiencing those feelings, the person living those feelings? Even if you only live them for a short period of time - is it healthy? Is it instead sad? Sad that a person can allow themselves to be in that situation, especially because of someone they once loved?

 

 

According to most professionals. Feelings are normal, whatever they may be. And I guess the way you need to view life is a bit different than most of us on the receiving end of some of those emotions. To each his own.

[donnamaybe]

According to most professionals. Feelings are normal, whatever they may be. And I guess the way you need to view life is a bit different than most of us on the receiving end of some of those emotions. To each his own.

Yeah, I don't think anyone ever advocates for feelings to be stuffed back inside and never acted upon. It's not like she didn't act on them in an inappropriate way, i.e. taking matters into her own hands. She used the court system. So she was happy for the outcome and telling people about it. Big deal!

[2sure]

As of this morning my D is final. We did not have to go to trial after all.

I am feeling plenty of extreme emotions of course.

 

Yes, according to many it looks as though I "took him to the cleaners". I hit him where it hurt thats for sure. But they dont know the facts, they dont know the circumstances. His cheating had nothing to do with what I got and what I didnt. Never came up. The settlement was all based on legal facts, with little negotiation (actually, I just wouldnt budge so there was none).

 

Sure, his cheating was the main factor in motivating me to divorce in the first place. Main factor in motivating me to NOT budge on the terms I wanted. Did I get more than my share? Probably. But you know what? I swallowed way more than my share during the marriage.

 

He hurt my feelings. I hurt his bank account. Whats more important? Love or money?? To me, its love. Tom him, its money. So - I guess we both lose.

 

Prior to today, I have continued to feel betrayed, lost, unloved, angry, and stupid. I have continued to feel that our marriage suffered senseless and needless abuse via the hand of my beloved H. I miss him. I love him.

It has been difficult for me to avoid, ignore, steel myself against his endless pleadings to get back together.

 

But today...HE is angry. So, I have been relieved of the burden of being the cold one to protect myself from him. Me? No, I'm a bit sad, a lot disillusioned...but carrying anger around?? NO. Thats why I "took him to the cleaners."

 

And you know what else? I feel a lot better about myself. I can look myself in the eye again in the mirror and not be ashamed of my choices.

[donnamaybe]

Catharsis is GOOD!

 

I'm very happy for you that this chapter in your life is over and that you feel good about things.

 

Now go enjoy the rest of your life!

[BB07]

I would think that the phrase "being taken to the cleaners" is up to what a particular person sees as fair or unfair.

 

As for me, I was married for 9 years, we built a life together, had 2 children, had a home, debts and some assets. When we split up, I could have took a lot more than what I did, in fact looking back on it, I probably let him off easier than I should have. I could have and still could be very angry and bitter due to the circumstances, but I choose not to be and I let it go. Was it fair to me, probably not, but I didn't fight it (our agreement) or him and I moved on.

I'm glad that I'm not "one of those kind of women".

But that is only my view and I can't speak for anyone else.