"I took him to the cleaners"

[NancyBotwin]

Betrayed men get blamed all the time so why not start looking at what women do to contribute to it?

Woggle, seriously, take it somewhere else. You've made your point, and I'll not have my thread turn into a woman-hating, gender-bashing thread like most of the others in which you participate.

 

If you want to know if things would be different should the betrayed be a male, please feel free to start your on thread. If you have anything different to offer to this thread, I welcome your posts. If not, please move on.

[Summer Breeze]

CCL,

If I understand correctly, you choose to lead an alternate lifestyle of which much of society would disapprove. They may consider that your lifestyle is just as tasteless and damaging to children than the nasty divorce spoken of here.

 

Ok NancyBotwin what's your sexual preference? S and M? Girl on Girl? Porn? Watching others? Straight and whitebread?

 

Let's assume straight and whitebread. Do you have sex in front of your children? I'll make another wild assumption. You don't.

 

Why on earth would you make such a cutting and unnecessary remark to CCL when you know as well as I do she would not be having sex with her H or with her OLs in front of her children.

 

Of all of the faults we have collectively I don't think having sex in front of our kids is one of them.

 

Your remark was totally uncalled for and I personally think you owe CCL an apology.

[NancyBotwin]

Your remark was totally uncalled for and I personally think you owe CCL an apology.

To say that a swinging lifestyle in any way compares to the divorce I've described in my OP is pure silliness. No apology here.

 

Puke on that. Not on you, but I'm not a mistress or a BS, I just think that you don't get anything when you get a man. Just a bag of flesh with an attitude problem.

One of the best posts in this thread! Attitude problem! Love it!

[Summer Breeze]

To say that a swinging lifestyle in any way compares to the divorce I've described in my OP is pure silliness. No apology here.

 

One of the best posts in this thread! Attitude problem! Love it!

 

I wasn't debating the morality of a swinging lifestyle. I was stating that you were out of line alluding to the fact the children would be exposed to it in a damaging way. Don't apologize, it's not necessary. Certainly makes me think differently about your past posts and the absolute lack of regard I'll give any future posts.

[NancyBotwin]

I wasn't debating the morality of a swinging lifestyle. I was stating that you were out of line alluding to the fact the children would be exposed to it in a damaging way. Don't apologize, it's not necessary. Certainly makes me think differently about your past posts and the absolute lack of regard I'll give any future posts.

Fair enough. Why would I care what a stranger on the internet thinks of my posts, especially one with whom I do not share similar philosophical and life experiences? I don't take it personally, neither should you. Edited August 29, 2010 by NancyBotwin
grammar

[crazycatlady]

CCL,

If I understand correctly, you choose to lead an alternate lifestyle of which much of society would disapprove. They may consider that your lifestyle is just as tasteless and damaging to children than the nasty divorce spoken of here.

 

The difference between the nasty divorce you are cheerleading is the kids are in the middle of those. There is no way they wouldn't be unless there are no kids in the first place. You can not have a divorce without involving the kids, their lives change forever even in an amiable divorce. We don't do it with the kids around.....we don't have sex with the kids watching, why on earth would we bring in a third person while the kids are watching? The kids don't and won't get involved with what we do in the bedroom just the idea of that is wrong on so many levels. I can't figure out how they would be involved when they aren't around when we do it.

 

Ok NancyBotwin what's your sexual preference? S and M? Girl on Girl? Porn? Watching others? Straight and whitebread?

 

Let's assume straight and whitebread. Do you have sex in front of your children? I'll make another wild assumption. You don't.

 

Why on earth would you make such a cutting and unnecessary remark to CCL when you know as well as I do she would not be having sex with her H or with her OLs in front of her children.

 

Of all of the faults we have collectively I don't think having sex in front of our kids is one of them.

 

Your remark was totally uncalled for and I personally think you owe CCL an apology.

 

Summer Breeze - thank you for that. But I was a bit harsh in my post as well. If the woman in the original story is a friend of NancyBotwin I can see why she would feel compelled to defend her friend's actions.

 

I also know that having an open marriage is looked down by some -ok a lot of people - I'm alright with that. I know what I have with my H. I know the struggles and trials we have gone through, and the love we have shared and will continue to share as well as the respect for both him and for myself that if for some reason we do one day seperate we will not be anything like the person from the original post. We will be doing everything we can to make it easier on each other and on the children. Just because the love no longer is there, or no longer is enough to hold us together doesn't mean we can act like savages to each other. The high road is the high road for a reason. It might be a more difficult and longer path, but it safe from the flood.

 

CCL

[Summer Breeze]

Fair enough. Why would I care what a stranger on the internet thinks of my posts, especially one with whom I do not share similar philosophical and life experiences? I don't take it personally, neither should you.

 

If we didn't care what people on the internet think of our posts we wouldn't be sharing them.

 

I do take it personally when something so distasteful is written about someone whose posts and views I respect.

 

I'll stop with the t/j now. CCL you can count me in as a fan and I do apologize if I've spoken out of turn on your behalf.

[NancyBotwin]

Irrelevant here, but if you think your children don't know about your lifestyle or won't ever find out, you are in some kind of denial. They don't have to see it to know about it or to have their friends know and gossip.

 

Back to the subject at hand! The woman was well within retirement age so I assume if there were children, they were adults. Considering her age, all the more reason for me to cheer her on. I was/am relieved for her that she will not have to come out of retirement and have to try to find a job because of her husband's poor character. I am thankful for her that her life is not more disrupted as it already is. If she were the cheater and her husband took the bank, I'd cheer him on too. I abhor cheating and I love it when the cheater gets what they deserve. I posted the thread for others that share my viewpoint.

[blind_otter]

The high road is the high road for a reason. It might be a more difficult and longer path, but it safe from the flood.

 

I think that those of us who have taken the high road can honestly say - it isn't safe from the flood at all. By shrugging off the offensive and even cruel things that those who are deeply unconscious can do to us when we extricate ourselves from unhealthy relationships, we protect the helpless ones - the children...but the one who shields their child - they take the blows instead, because the blows come. Mercilessly. Endlessly.

 

And as a parent, we are called to be strong and to take those blows with sangfroid and stoicism.

 

But don't ever think that your children don't know. They know ever so much more than you could imagine, and they are aware of ever so much more than we want them to be.

[Hazyhead]

Fair enough. Why would I care what a stranger on the internet thinks of my posts, especially one with whom I do not share similar philosophical and life experiences? I don't take it personally, neither should you.

 

 

Huh... if you don't care, why would you start a thread? Seems like an odd way to show your apathy

[NancyBotwin]

Huh... if you don't care, why would you start a thread? Seems like an odd way to show your apathy

I think you missed a post

[crazycatlady]

I think that those of us who have taken the high road can honestly say - it isn't safe from the flood at all. By shrugging off the offensive and even cruel things that those who are deeply unconscious can do to us when we extricate ourselves from unhealthy relationships, we protect the helpless ones - the children...but the one who shields their child - they take the blows instead, because the blows come. Mercilessly. Endlessly.

 

And as a parent, we are called to be strong and to take those blows with sangfroid and stoicism.

 

But don't ever think that your children don't know. They know ever so much more than you could imagine, and they are aware of ever so much more than we want them to be.

 

If you want to start a thread on what children know or don't know about an adults sex life then go ahead and I'll be glad to chime in. I'm dropping this here. Not ignoring this, it just doesn't belong. Start a new thread.

 

Irrelevant here, but if you think your children don't know about your lifestyle or won't ever find out, you are in some kind of denial. They don't have to see it to know about it or to have their friends know and gossip.

 

Back to the subject at hand! The woman was well within retirement age so I assume if there were children, they were adults. Considering her age, all the more reason for me to cheer her on. I was/am relieved for her that she will not have to come out of retirement and have to try to find a job because of her husband's poor character. I am thankful for her that her life is not more disrupted as it already is. If she were the cheater and her husband took the bank, I'd cheer him on too. I abhor cheating and I love it when the cheater gets what they deserve. I posted the thread for others that share my viewpoint.

 

She should have had her own retirement account. Poor planning on her part if she did not. I don't like cheating either....however no one ever wants to talk about the cheating being anything other then an affair. And yet there are so many ways to cheat one's spouse without ever involving another person.

[NancyBotwin]

I think there's a couple of people here who should start their own threads.

[NoIDidn't]

If the exW was well within retirement age, it makes sense that she got the liquid assets.

 

I don't think its fair to say the woman should have had her own retirement account. That is likely a decision that she and her H made together. Or, an indecision they made together. I spent my 401k when I was downsized years ago to keep my house, and I haven't gotten around to putting cash into IRAs yet.

 

So, I guess, I would take my H to the cleaners pretty easily while I am at home with four kids. Oh well. Its one of those "he should have thought about it first" kind of things.

 

I live in a "fault" state too. But its not often applied unless it was really egregious.

[Woggle]

This is why no fault divorce is a good thing. It keeps people from using the court system to settle emotional scores.

[NoIDidn't]

This is why no fault divorce is a good thing. It keeps people from using the court system to settle emotional scores.

 

I wouldn't say that. The justice system is always used to settle "emotional scores". Why do you think murder victims families get justice for their lost loved ones? It certainly isn't just because of "justice".

 

Justice implies balance, and emotions need to be balanced in these situations as well. Someone steals from me. I am angry about it. Justice means that the criminal offense and my emotional response get settled. What's wrong with that?

 

Plus, I disagree that its only emotional too because in my situation, I worked for many years making more than twice what my H made and firmly helping to establish the life(style) we have today. I'm grateful that my H remembers those years (and not because I remind him, he often reminds me when I feel I'm not contributing like I used to).

 

I know Nancy didn't want this thread to turn into a gender war (it doesn't have to when open minds prevail in thoughtful conversation), but I do believe there is a gender component to this - not necessarily that of cheating W vs. cheating H. I think that men are socialized to think that divorce means they are going to lose their stuff - get taken to the cleaners. And whether I attempted to do it or not, my H would certainly lose a fair chunk of "our" stuff in a D, regardless of any cheating. How many men really believe "its cheaper to keep her"? I think there are a lot of them.

[turnstone]

How many men really believe "its cheaper to keep her"? I think there are a lot of them.

 

I'm certain my exH thought this and was one of the reasons he tried so hard to get me to go back to him. Although he gave me a great deal of money to compensate for the STD, it could have been far more had I not chosen to take nothing from the divorce. I'm fortunate enough to have an independent income and I'm stupid enough to view his money as tainted, to take this stance otherwise I'm sure I would feel every bit as gleeful as the woman in question.

 

You just have to be careful who you share your glee with!

 

Alongside that, although I applaud the notion of teaching someone who cheats a lesson, I doubt very much whether it'd be learnt through being financially penalised. They just learn to hide the money better.

[Woggle]

Murder convictions are to protect society from a murderer. This is just cheerleading over a woman taking a man for everything he is worth.

 

Also the gender war aspect was already there before I brought it up. I have seen cheating women take faithful husbands to the cleaners and still get high fived by other women.

[donnamaybe]

I wonder if people would be cheering on a man who did this to a cheating wife?

I know I would be...

[donnamaybe]

Woggle, even taking a **** is about gender for you. When I read your posts, I can't help but compare you to extremist feminists who hate all men. This kind of zealotry only makes you look very silly and indoctrinated.

WORD, BL!!!!

[donnamaybe]

She should have had her own retirement account. Poor planning on her part if she did not.

SOME men insist on this or that in a M. ESPECIALLY the kind of "man" who would cheat on his wife - one who feels a sense of entitlement.

 

Perhaps she wasn't allowed to have a decent job because she HAD to be home at the end of his workday with the house already cleaned, the kids' homework already completed, and a hot meal on the table.

[Summer Breeze]

SOME men insist on this or that in a M. ESPECIALLY the kind of "man" who would cheat on his wife - one who feels a sense of entitlement.

 

Perhaps she wasn't allowed to have a decent job because she HAD to be home at the end of his workday with the house already cleaned, the kids' homework already completed, and a hot meal on the table.

 

And she may have been an abusive wife or raised her hand to her children or been a serial cheater. As I pointed out before there is a random woman letting strangers know her business and the OP cheering her on. Sorry but noone knows what went on and people are all about how great it is she did what she is saying she did.

 

Volumes about her, not him.

 

As far as separate retirement accounts. I've always had a separate account even when I was a stay at home Mom. Most of my friends have the same. It has nothing to do with wanting to cheat it has everything to do with being independent.

[donnamaybe]

And she may have been an abusive wife or raised her hand to her children or been a serial cheater. As I pointed out before there is a random woman letting strangers know her business and the OP cheering her on. Sorry but noone knows what went on and people are all about how great it is she did what she is saying she did.

 

Volumes about her, not him.

 

As far as separate retirement accounts. I've always had a separate account even when I was a stay at home Mom. Most of my friends have the same. It has nothing to do with wanting to cheat it has everything to do with being independent.

But since the COURT sorted it out, seems to me if she was this horrible person you are trying to paint her to be, things wouldn't have gone quite the way she wanted considering they are NOT in a no fault state.

 

He cheated. THAT is a fact that WAS sorted out in court. YOu may place all the conjecture you want into the situation (which none of us knows ANYTHING about save for the fact that he cheated), but bottom line is, he was found out to be a cheating man, and the COURT saw fit to punish him thusly.

 

Seems to me he got what he deserved.

[Summer Breeze]

But since the COURT sorted it out, seems to me if she was this horrible person you are trying to paint her to be, things wouldn't have gone quite the way she wanted considering they are NOT in a no fault state.

 

He cheated. THAT is a fact that WAS sorted out in court. YOu may place all the conjecture you want into the situation (which none of us knows ANYTHING about save for the fact that he cheated), but bottom line is, he was found out to be a cheating man, and the COURT saw fit to punish him thusly.

 

Seems to me he got what he deserved.

 

She was a stranger spouting off in a public place so all around could hear. We have no idea if what she said was any more true than what I said. We have no idea what was sorted out and we have no idea if it went as she said. We have no idea he was a cheating man. He could have just left and didn't want his W and she was simply spouting off.

 

As I said airing the laundry speaks more of her than him. If I had been a friend in her presence as she was doing this I'd have told her to tone it down that she was embarrassing herself.

 

Seems to me we have no idea what either of them deserved.

 

JMO

[NancyBotwin]

She was a stranger spouting off in a public place so all around could hear. We have no idea if what she said was any more true than what I said. We have no idea what was sorted out and we have no idea if it went as she said. We have no idea he was a cheating man. He could have just left and didn't want his W and she was simply spouting off.

 

As I said airing the laundry speaks more of her than him. If I had been a friend in her presence as she was doing this I'd have told her to tone it down that she was embarrassing herself.

 

Seems to me we have no idea what either of them deserved.

 

JMO

Just like your lack of compassion for a BS (over and over and over, yeah we get it) says more about you than the woman mentioned in the OP.

 

You've made your point. We get it.