Torn between lover and husband

[White Flower]

witabix that was one of the most honest and deeply felt posts I have ever seen. I am sure your post will help Novermber-Rain understand her H's pain and expressed anger. I applaud you.

[wheelwright]

I am sorry you have to face your H's pain and anger now. I know what that feels like.

 

In some ways I have little to say as my own similar problems are not yet resolved.

 

I had the same physical attention that I didn't feel ready to reciprocate. I faced many angry outbursts over a 10 month period, only gradually diminishing in frequency.

 

My H needed to know I loved him unreservedly during this time. But I didn't. And he could sense it. You can choose what you do, but you cannot choose your feelings. You can change your feelings by your behaviour, but without a huge transformational process this will have limited effect. I guess that's what MC is for.

 

I found I had no feelings for xMOM when faced with H's pain, but when that diminished, they immediately came back, and that was another thing to work through. And this was a rough ride - H in pain = me over A. H OK = me going back to MOM in my heart and mind. In the end, my H is helping me work through it. Working through it in secret was carrying on the A anyway.

 

My H played good cop bad cop with me. I love you one minute, I think you are a piece of dirt the next. This slowly got better, but only as he understood deeper issues in our M, and in me, and in him. It could still kick off any moment until recently (11 months post DDay).

 

It got to a point where he and I could take this no more, and we decided to split. This precipitated a chain of events which led to the trigger for transformation, which may ultimately mean we can stay together.

 

My feelings remain very complex. My H is getting over things and allowing me to grieve my xAP, and showing a lot more good cop than bad cop right now.

 

But I wasn't in love with him when the A started. My feelings are unresolved, and H is a saint because he allows me that (I am very good to him and care about him in many ways). His feelings also tell him that he may not get over this now the dust is finally settling.

 

I felt I should post you this experience, to help to see where one possible somewhere down the line might be.

 

I was touched by your experience, and your maturity in handling it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know what your reading, but I am not seeing OM at all, there is no contact at all with him anymore!!! My husband and I are trying to work it out. Why can't you understand that?

 

read your own title of this thread. not being in contact with other man, but saying you are torn between your H and OM are 2 different things.

 

if you are "torn", then you haven't completely given the OM up, contact or not contact.

 

And unless you really didn't mean what you posted as your title, did you bring this up in MC? Does your H and the counselor know you are torn between H and OM?

Edited May 23, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[White Flower]

read your own title of this thread. not being in contact with other man, but saying you are torn between your H and OM are 2 different things.

 

if you are "torn", then you haven't completely given the OM up, contact or not contact.

 

And unless you really didn't mean what you posted as your title, did you bring this up in MC? Does your H and the counselor know you are torn between H and OM?

I'm sure her feelings have changed since the day she started this thread. If you've read it all along you would know that. Let's not get stuck in the past.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm sure her feelings have changed since the day she started this thread. If you've read it all along you would know that. Let's not get stuck in the past.

 

ya, I've followed along, and I don't believe that in one month she is going from being torn between H and OM to not wanting the OM at all. I think now that her H found out he is scaring the s##t out of her in the form of losing her family.

 

She may be seeing the devestation she has caused, but I don't believe for a 2nd that she doesn't wish that she could still be with OM if she could get away with it.

 

MAYBE if this were months or a year or so down the road...maybe.

 

And what happens in the past shapes the future.

Edited May 24, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[cyabye]

Wow you ladies, do not just get it.

 

What i said was the truth. She should not reject her husband any more than what she already has!!! saying no, what again? she already screwed someone else for a very long time, now she gets to reject him again for his current behavior when it's only natural when he feels angry, that his wife is screwing someone else? WTF?

 

Y'all ladies always on oh if he's abusive leave, oh he sounds dangerous, blah blah blah. But if you know this about your husbands why the F would you jeopardize your lives by willing to engage in the affair in the first place!???

 

WTF!

 

Y'all make me sick. Y'all need to stand up and own up to what y'all done, you expect a man to cry if he finds out the woman he loves is screwing someone else?! you expect him to be nice about it! HELL NO!!!!!

 

You do something to hurt someone than expect them to be angry.

 

Sounds like an excuse to leave anyways. Bunch of cowards.

 

Ladies,

 

I agree w/ Chrome here. I was a BS. The anger you feel is so stong it feels uncontrollable. What she did (the cheating and the lies) is the most horrible form of ABUSE in a BS's eyes. I do not expect the cheaters here to understand this.

 

Cya

[scatterd]

I think she knows where OM is and his family is torn apart also So that shows she is still cares for OM.All that he needs is a name and what he drives.And I know he will resent her not telling him.Its not over yet sorry but you need to let him know so he can have this off his chest.Your just giving him more time to stew over OM.That means more anger when he finds him. this is one stage.

Good luck

[White Flower]

ya, I've followed along, and I don't believe that in one month she is going from being torn between H and OM to not wanting the OM at all. I think now that her H found out he is scaring the s##t out of her in the form of losing her family.

 

She may be seeing the devestation she has caused, but I don't believe for a 2nd that she doesn't wish that she could still be with OM if she could get away with it.

 

MAYBE if this were months or a year or so down the road...maybe.

 

And what happens in the past shapes the future.

Well I suppose that all people are exactly the same and if it would take you that long then it certainly should take her that long.

 

Not.

 

In case you didn't notice, I asked N-R if her H knew she posted. She said no. Big importance here because she doesnt have to fake what she tells us. She comes here for support and with posts like yours she isn't getting it. Why would she waste her time posting if it is all just fake? Who does she have to prove herself to? You???

 

N-R, I believe you.

[November-Rain]

November hope your MC went well.

 

All I can offer here is an insight into male rage for you. I used to be, and sometimes still am, capable of flying into the most frightening rages.

 

I have been the enraged one in a betrayal situation, and I have enraged someone by my betrayal.

 

This is my analysis of how I felt and why.

 

The first thing for you to remember are my rages are my choice. It doesn't look like that to you I know, it is very, very scary, I know that too. If I am honest, it is meant to be scary for you. I am trying to strike so much fear into you that you fall apart in front of me and become so frightened that you cannot do anything but admit to something, or tell me what I want to know, or be so terrified that you won't do anything ever again with him or anyone else.

 

I am trying to protect my view of myself in the most aggressive way I can. Because that is what I feel rage in those circumstances stems from. It is a primal, ape like feeling. It comes from somewhere dark inside of me. Instead of me being able to vocalise it, I scream. I want to do something, not talk. I want to climb up the tallest tree and beat my chest, intimidate. To get my territory back. Grit my teeth and tear someone apart. It is like a drug, an immense, towering high. Leaving you drained when it passes, tired, ashamed, regretting what you have said and done.

 

It is an inability to cope with a bad situation. (Anger, the very word sounds hard edged.) I have said this before to people, and it goes for you too. You are not responsible for the anger, or the terrible things that have been said. They are his responsibility. I never allowed myself to blame her for enraging me. I enraged me, due to my inability to release my feelings in a more civilised fashion.

 

I hope he is, or will be sorry for the threats to you. He probably won't be sorry for any threats he made against the OM.

 

The reason he keeps asking those questions may be to ignite his rage again. I have done that too, like a child with a box matches and a can of petrol (gasoline). To circumvent the rage I can only suggest disclosure, try to take the matches off of the child inside him.

 

Even saying that leaves me unsure about how, how would I have had the rage dissipated? I know that in my case she warned him to get out of the bar he was in before I got there. I was intercepted by a friend who talked me out of it at the time. When I found out she had called him to warn him I was furious again.

 

I think if I had seen in her face, I know that sounds a little airy-fairy, that she was sorry it would have helped.

 

Now that I have spent the time to write this out and read again, I see that it is probably no use at all to you. Maybe, possibly some insight into what rage is and how I think its not your fault. You seem already to have taken ownership of your actions. He has to take the same ownership of his actions to start the healing process.

 

Give him time, show him you are sorry, prove to him that you choose him and your family. It takes time, you have a few fences to mend, and so does he.

 

Angry outbursts, no matter how the person wants to justify them also damage a relationship.

 

I know that I am very sorry for my words, actions and the outcomes from them. I did as much damage as anyone else did in the final analysis.

 

Witabix- Thank you so much for sharing, as I read your post I couldn't help but cry, I know this is exactly what my husband has gone through, I am so sorry you had to go through this as well.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I suppose that all people are exactly the same and if it would take you that long then it certainly should take her that long.

 

Not.

 

In case you didn't notice, I asked N-R if her H knew she posted. She said no. Big importance here because she doesnt have to fake what she tells us.

 

sure she might. because of the things she is hearing that she may not like, she may decide to do a change up just to get that advice and truths off her back if she doesn't want to hear it.

 

Now she might, and a very big might, have decided that she wants her husband. but again, the title of the thread is, and it wasn't that long ago, that she is torn between OM and H. And I don't believe for a moment that she all of a sudden doesn't want the OM after saying she is "torn".

 

And if I'm truly wrong, other than losing her family, what was the grand revelation that told her she no longer desires the OM?

 

She comes here for support and with posts like yours she isn't getting it.

 

she is getting the cold hard truth of things, and most of us represent her husband's side of things. If she, or you, don't care about what her husband might be thinking, then why bother with posting here or even trying to save a marriage?

 

 

Why would she waste her time posting if it is all just fake? Who does she have to prove herself to? You???

 

Aint gotta prove anything. As usual, you have a flair for drama.

[White Flower]

sure she might. because of the things she is hearing that she may not like, she may decide to do a change up just to get that advice and truths off her back if she doesn't want to hear it.

 

Now she might, and a very big might, have decided that she wants her husband. but again, the title of the thread is, and it wasn't that long ago, that she is torn between OM and H. And I don't believe for a moment that she all of a sudden doesn't want the OM after saying she is "torn".

 

And if I'm truly wrong, other than losing her family, what was the grand revelation that told her she no longer desires the OM?

 

 

 

she is getting the cold hard truth of things, and most of us represent her husband's side of things. If she, or you, don't care about what her husband might be thinking, then why bother with posting here or even trying to save a marriage?

 

 

 

 

Aint gotta prove anything. As usual, you have a flair for drama.

Actually, you are the lover of drama. I am only sticking up for a woman who came for support and she is being attacked. If you don't think I'm here trying to support her then you haven't read the entire thread.

 

And I would never 'save a M' if it were a bad M, not that her M is bad. She didn't ask for M counseling here. She asked us to discuss her torn feelings and she is figuring it out thanks to her work and our feedback. She didn't come here to ask you to defend her H. She already knows he hurts and has said so from the beginning.

[nowomanocry]

November rain

 

Maybe you will not read this amongst 14 pages of posts. Hope you do though.

 

No one is perfect. We all do mistakes. You have made a mistake and as far as I can read you are the kind of person brave enough to face it and deal with it.

 

My decent advice is cut contact with OM. A clean break. First secure yourself. Then deal with your marriage problems and try to solve them. But, in the mean time never ever cheat on your husband because he really doesn't deserve it as well as for the kids it's not fair on them. I would like to remind you what you say when marrying "in good times and bad times". You can not break this can you? I know in time with all the daily hassles of life you forget to listen to each other or have to spend less time with each other but hey, that is the case for everyone. You can not dump 15 years into the bin just because you have feelings for someone else can you? Marriage is a big responsibility in life and when you have children you are a parent and you have to devote yourself to your family. FULL STOP

 

As for those who are cruelly attacking her, I ask a simple question. Haven't we all done mistakes in our lives?

 

Hope things work out fine for you Nove rain.

[bentnotbroken]

November rain

 

Maybe you will not read this amongst 14 pages of posts. Hope you do though.

 

No one is perfect. We all do mistakes. You have made a mistake and as far as I can read you are the kind of person brave enough to face it and deal with it.

 

My decent advice is cut contact with OM. A clean break. First secure yourself. Then deal with your marriage problems and try to solve them. But, in the mean time never ever cheat on your husband because he really doesn't deserve it as well as for the kids it's not fair on them. I would like to remind you what you say when marrying "in good times and bad times". You can not break this can you? I know in time with all the daily hassles of life you forget to listen to each other or have to spend less time with each other but hey, that is the case for everyone. You can not dump 15 years into the bin just because you have feelings for someone else can you? Marriage is a big responsibility in life and when you have children you are a parent and you have to devote yourself to your family. FULL STOP

 

As for those who are cruelly attacking her, I ask a simple question. Haven't we all done mistakes in our lives?

 

Hope things work out fine for you Nove rain.

 

 

Affairs aren't mistakes. They are clear choices to lie and deceive. There is your simple answer.

[reboot]

Affairs aren't mistakes. They are clear choices to lie and deceive. There is your simple answer.

 

Gotta agree with this. Adding two numbers and getting the wrong answer is a mistake. Intertwining your body parts with someone else's body parts is not. That would be a choice, possibly a bad choice, but still a choice.

[reboot]

Hey White Flower, you're arguing with a fence post. There's really no point. Some people can't see beyond their own hate.

[witabix]

Witabix- Thank you so much for sharing, as I read your post I couldn't help but cry, I know this is exactly what my husband has gone through, I am so sorry you had to go through this as well.

 

Thanks NR, for your sympathy.

 

I have been through it a few times now, unfortunately. I have also been on your side of the fence, once. I know how it works in the real world.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this too much. It is an unfortunate truth, IMO, that you have to let him be angry. You seem to understand that he is and why this is the case. That is a good start.

 

His anger will subside. You can help this through but it takes a conscious effort. Always reassuring, being transparent about what you are doing, where you are going, showing honesty and commitment at every possible turn. It can be hard, exhausting work to live your life like this. I think it is the only sure way to rebuild.

 

One warning, this episode will come back. I am certain it will. He will throw it at you in a year or five years. There is no getting away from it, unless he can come to terms with it all and that is a big ask.

 

Stick with it, fight for what you want. I noted that you are being attacked for your actions. Understand where people are coming from, very few will condone your behaviour, but do not be overwhelmed by guilt. Use your energies to focus on what needs to be done to renovate your relationship.

 

I think I understand some of your situation from both sides, you are facing a difficult time in your life. In time it will be behind you. I for one am rooting for you to find a happy conclusion, for both of you.

[turnera]

IMO, he will throw it in her face because she's protecting the OM at her husband's expense. Sure, she can say she doesn't want him doing something stupid. But the truth is, from her husband's POV, she is protecting her boyfriend. How can he heal from that?

[witabix]

IMO, he will throw it in her face because she's protecting the OM at her husband's expense. Sure, she can say she doesn't want him doing something stupid. But the truth is, from her husband's POV, she is protecting her boyfriend. How can he heal from that?

 

That is a good question.

 

He may want to take the view that she is protecting the OM because she feels more for the OM. That is how I felt. That his safety was paramount.

 

But paramount to what? Paramount to me being arrested? Paramount to my children having their father branded a criminal, possibly facing jail time?

 

I know how powerful the emotion of rage is. She has seen it in his actions and words. I can assure you that when I finally confronted the man the outcome was not a good one. Sure I felt as though I had 'regained my honour', but that is a load of baloney. I had disgraced myself. I realised that when I had to get legal advice on a serious assault charge. It didn't progress that far for me, but I know I had every intention of killing him that night. I almost did.

 

I wish to God that I had not done that now. Regardless of how the legal stuff played out, I feel like a idiot, a buffon, a neanderthal (No insult to neanderthals intended or implied).

 

In hindsight, and I know that hindsight is no good at the crunch time, it would have been better if he had been warned again and not come out into the street to face me. Some men cannot be trusted with their anger, they are dangerous, to others and themselves.

 

My partner at the time also had an inkling that I was capable of such destructive actions. Destructive to me and my loved ones. My children would not have enjoyed seeing their father in jail. What would it have cost me? My whole life.

 

So he can heal in time when he realises that she may be saving him (her husband) from himself. When he realises that, in this situation he can choose to believe she feels more for the OM than for him, but the outcome of this 'protection' is to place a barrier between her enraged husband and the target of his anger that protects both of them. She cannot rebuild a relationship with a jailed criminal, she doesn't want that to happen.

 

I want to point out that this is only my opinion and that every situation differs, but keeping an angry man from his own foolishness is a good thing to do. I hope he realises this in time.

[White Flower]

IMO, he will throw it in her face because she's protecting the OM at her husband's expense. Sure, she can say she doesn't want him doing something stupid. But the truth is, from her husband's POV, she is protecting her boyfriend. How can he heal from that?

Most OPs don't need protections unless the BS is in law enforcement and weilds guns. Who knows, perhaps even N-R's H has asked her NOT to reveal OP in order to protect HIMSELF from going to jail after inihilating him? Or N-R is protecting her H (not wanting him to go to jail for revenge murder, etc.) We just don't know.

[White Flower]

Hey White Flower, you're arguing with a fence post. There's really no point. Some people can't see beyond their own hate.

Whenever someone says you have a flair for drama usually your point was taken.

[reboot]

Most OPs don't need protections unless the BS is in law enforcement and weilds guns. Who knows, perhaps even N-R's H has asked her NOT to reveal OP in order to protect HIMSELF from going to jail after inihilating him? Or N-R is protecting her H (not wanting him to go to jail for revenge murder, etc.) We just don't know.

 

Wow. You just struck a nerve.

[Dexter Morgan]

And I would never 'save a M' if it were a bad M, not that her M is bad. She didn't ask for M counseling here. She asked us to discuss her torn feelings

 

BINGO!!! either she is "torn" between her OM and H...or she is not...which is it. We aren't getting a consistency here.

 

 

and she is figuring it out thanks to her work and our feedback. She didn't come here to ask you to defend her H.

 

ya well I defended him just the same, because here she is "saying" she is wanting to work it out with H, but is torn. Does her H know she is torn and not totally given up her OM..whether physically or emotionally?

 

Maybe if she told her H that, her H might make some choices for her....or more to the point, make some choices for himself instead of letting her make the choices for him without full disclosure.

 

 

She already knows he hurts and has said so from the beginning.

 

yes she has...............but she is "torn":o

[Dexter Morgan]

Whenever someone says you have a flair for drama usually your point was taken.

 

nice try.............

[White Flower]

Wow. You just struck a nerve.

Not you Reebs:cool:

[White Flower]

BINGO!!! either she is "torn" between her OM and H...or she is not...which is it. We aren't getting a consistency here.

 

 

 

 

ya well I defended him just the same, because here she is "saying" she is wanting to work it out with H, but is torn. Does her H know she is torn and not totally given up her OM..whether physically or emotionally?

 

Maybe if she told her H that, her H might make some choices for her....or more to the point, make some choices for himself instead of letting her make the choices for him without full disclosure.

 

 

 

 

yes she has...............but she is "torn":o

Are you wanting her to be consistent in her 'torn' status? I'm not sure her H would be.

 

Remember the time(s) I suggested you not be stuck in anger? That seems to be a quality inherent in you, but not in others Dex. She isn't stuck. She started a thread and it has progressed from there. Just like my 'He swept me away this weekend' thread turned into a breakup in the end. It's called evolution. If N-R is still stuck, I'm sure she'll tell us. Don't assume because you would be stuck, that everyone else will be.