Torn between lover and husband

[November-Rain]

You need to change your number and you and your H draft a NC letter together spelling out your decision to work on your marriage without further contact from him and that legal action will be taken if your wishes aren't honored. Every time you think about breaking NC(and you will) for whatever reason, remember your H's tears and what being involved with MM has cost you and mostly your family.

 

Bentnotbroken- Thanks for your advice. My husband is doing that as we speak, I will comply and do what he asks of me. It's the only fair thing to do.

 

As far as breaking N/C I am feeling very strong for now, but I realistically know that I will feel weak at some point. However, the image I have engraved in my mind, of how my husband a strong man, in no way a weak man, broke down and cried, it is something I can never do to him again. I know that is what will keep me from making the same mistake again.

[Darth Vader]

Bentnotbroken- Thanks for your advice. My husband is doing that as we speak, I will comply and do what he asks of me. It's the only fair thing to do.

 

As far as breaking N/C I am feeling very strong for now, but I realistically know that I will feel weak at some point. However, the image I have engraved in my mind, of how my husband a strong man, in no way a weak man, broke down and cried, it is something I can never do to him again. I know that is what will keep me from making the same mistake again.

 

 

Sure, you told the truth, but only after you were caught, does your husband know this? He should. You didn't come clean on your own, that's something that your husband has to consider, as I'm sure you've considered.

 

As far as it being a mistake, affairs are not mistakes, they're done intensionally. A person can trip and fall and accidently have sex with someone, not possible!

Edited May 10, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

Sure, you told the truth, but only after you were caught, does your husband know this? He should. You didn't come clean on your own, that's something that your husband has to consider, as I'm sure you've considered.

 

As far as it being a mistake, affairs are not mistakes, they're done intensionally. A person can trip and fall and accidently have sex with someone, not possible!

 

 

I meant to say: A person can't trip and fall and accidently have sex with someone, not possible! Stupid typo's.

 

Anyway, expect your husband to ask all kinds of questions of where(that includes your own home), what sex positions, what you wore for OM, that includes perfume, underwear, whatever clothing, gifts, are you taking notes? You will have to get rid of all of these things. Your husband will wonder about everything, including any gifts you got for the OM, what reason you got gifts for your hubby, reason you did certain things, nasty remarks you said to husband, and children. Expect your husband to contact OM and/or OM's wife or girlfriend! Don't think OM's gonna get off scott free, because he ain't!

 

Basically, your life will have to be an open book, no passwords of any kind. Lady, your husband will make your life a living HELL! Get ready. Because it's going to get more surreal than you can imagine. But remember, you caused all of this to happen.

[Owl]

Short term, things are gonna be tough...Darth is right, even if a bit melodramatic.

 

You ARE going to need to become an "open book" for your husband to be able to learn to trust you again.

 

And that's gonna take TIME AND EFFORT.

 

But...it doesn't STAY that way, and that's where you need to focus on...long term recovery, not short term pain.

[White Flower]

...it's called the rollercoaster of emotions and you put him on it.

 

If you want to reconsile your marriage. it is imperative that you be 100% in. Own what you have done. confess to your family what you have done and own it. If you marriage has any chance of succession you assure and be there for your husband in his time of grief. He's gonna go through many stages, the anger phase and it all.

 

But dont hold that against him, it is only natural.

 

Let him vent, let him be angry, but keep loving him. He's gonna be in a lot of pain, but any of those issues with the om or doing things disresepctful to the marriage, it needs to stop on your end...

 

Permanently.

 

I think your husband will be back together with you, but it's gonna be an uphill battle, he's gonna go back and forth in his feelings any man would.

I'm a little late on this thread but Chrome, I'm impressed by this post. It seems you're coming out of your anger and helping this woman with good advice. Wow.

[White Flower]

I have read and taken great advice from most of you that have posted on here. Thank you so very much!

 

Life has been hell, not much sleep, lost 10 pounds in a matter of 2 weeks. My husband now knows that i slept with OM, I couldn't hold off until M/C it was eating me alive. He was devastated! The only time I had ever seen him cry was when his mother died. To see him cry will forever haunt me...I hurt him so bad, I know I don't deserve him, however I will make it a point to do right by him for the rest of my life. Not sure if he will stay with me or not, thus far he has not left and he did mention to me that he feels my remorse and sincerity, and that is what is keeping him in the marriage.

 

I am going on N/C with O/M for 1 week now. The only reason I spoke with him after I was caught was because, O/M was doing everything possible to speak and see me. he even went as far as putting a throw away phone in my mailbox, so that I could have contact with him. I have no desire to have any relationship whatsoever with with him. I do care for his well being, however, I think most of it is out of guilt. He is not emotionally ready to end it, and is leaving me many messages on my phone telling me how much he misses me and cannot live without me. I know in time it will pass, but it's still hard to hear. I know I will have my moments of weakness, because of the history O/M and I have shared, it's been an addiction, however, I stand by my decision, to be with my husband 110% and be a wife and mother my family deserves.

 

Within the past 2 weeks I've learned quite a bit about what real love is, unfortunatley it had to be at the expense of hurting my husband and children. I was a selfish woman. I took the easy way out and had an affair. I believe M/C will help me with the necessary tools on bettering my communication skills with my husband and bring me closer to him. I have a hard time giving myself completley to him, not sure if it's due to the guilt I feel or the distance I created by having an affair. Although the distance was something that happened years before I had the affair. I do know that I gave myself completley to O/M- I don't get it! I was much more physical with O/M much more loving, lots of kissing touching, things I never really did with my husband. Hopefully through M/C I can find the answers to help me better sort what led me to the affair.

For the sake of your M and your heart as well as your H's heart I hope so too. I don't know if chemistry can be learned or if you feel that it's there just a little bit already and it can grow but if it can and it does please let us know.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm a little late on this thread but Chrome, I'm impressed by this post. It seems you're coming out of your anger and helping this woman with good advice. Wow.

 

Who said i was angry, I'm helping and giving the advice because nov, really want to recommit to her marriage, she wants to make it work, unlike most of the women on the OM/OW board who revel in being side pieces and someone's mistress.

 

My advice to her is to also look up survivinginfidelity.com they have a great rebuiling thing for former wayward spouses.

 

These women here would want her to contiune the affair, but what's the point?

[White Flower]

Who said i was angry, I'm helping and giving the advice because nov, really want to recommit to her marriage, she wants to make it work, unlike most of the women on the OM/OW board who revel in being side pieces and someone's mistress.

 

My advice to her is to also look up survivinginfidelity.com they have a great rebuiling thing for former wayward spouses.

 

These women here would want her to contiune the affair, but what's the point?

Ah Chrome, you can't even take a compliment.

 

And you are so wrong about OW/OM wanting to be side pieces. They usually just want love and if it doesn't go that way then they usually get out.

 

Most people whether M or not believe in love more than they believe in M. They want love to win and not some promise they made when they were just out of their teenage years. But that is another point for another thread. Just wanted to give you kudos Chrome.

[Owl]

CB, I think WF is trying to say that you've switched gears somewhat from how you USED to post...

 

You're attacking the problem...not the person.

 

You're offering some very useful, direct, applicable advice to November. In the past, your posts would have likely focused on what she's done wrong, not focused on what she needs to do now to make it right.

 

In other words...GREAT ADVICE man! Definitely intended as a compliment to you.

[November-Rain]

I meant to say: A person can't trip and fall and accidently have sex with someone, not possible! Stupid typo's.

 

Anyway, expect your husband to ask all kinds of questions of where(that includes your own home), what sex positions, what you wore for OM, that includes perfume, underwear, whatever clothing, gifts, are you taking notes? You will have to get rid of all of these things. Your husband will wonder about everything, including any gifts you got for the OM, what reason you got gifts for your hubby, reason you did certain things, nasty remarks you said to husband, and children. Expect your husband to contact OM and/or OM's wife or girlfriend! Don't think OM's gonna get off scott free, because he ain't!

 

Basically, your life will have to be an open book, no passwords of any kind. Lady, your husband will make your life a living HELL! Get ready. Because it's going to get more surreal than you can imagine. But remember, you caused all of this to happen.

 

Darth Vader- My life is a living hell! My husband is doing exactly what you've mentioned. My life is an open book, all my lies are exposed. All my acts of selfishness are being picked apart, it's very shameful for me and embarrassing to admit. I know this is what I have to do, because this is what I brought on to my husband and children.

 

My only glimmer of hope is that my husband is still with me, and is willing to continue M/C.

[November-Rain]

Who said i was angry, I'm helping and giving the advice because nov, really want to recommit to her marriage, she wants to make it work, unlike most of the women on the OM/OW board who revel in being side pieces and someone's mistress.

 

My advice to her is to also look up survivinginfidelity.com they have a great rebuiling thing for former wayward spouses.

 

These women here would want her to contiune the affair, but what's the point?

 

Chrome Barracuda- I know you don't know me, however, I know you feel that I am remorseful as well as sincere about recommitting to my marriage. I thank you for that.

 

Seeing myself as a woman who selfishly turned to another for love and comfort and disregarded the man I made vows to, with such disrespect, has made me see how ugly one can become. I do not want to be that person anymore, I will take any advice that will help me. I will look up survivinginfedelity.com. Thanks again.

[November-Rain]

For the sake of your M and your heart as well as your H's heart I hope so too. I don't know if chemistry can be learned or if you feel that it's there just a little bit already and it can grow but if it can and it does please let us know.

 

White Flower- That's what scares me the most in recommitting to my marriage, after infidelity. I'm not sure whether chemistry can be learned, I hope to God that it can, because I am having a really hard time being close to my husband in a physical way, I have no feeling of anything in that department. All I know is that I was already feeling that way even before the affair. I have never had problems with OM, before and after I was married to my husband.

 

I will let you know as the weeks and months go by.

[Owl]

NR, it was weeks (5-6, if I recall) before my wife and I were physically intimate after her affair.

 

And her's was EA only, albeit there was some 'fantasies' going on between them.

 

But here's the thing. We 'came close' once during that period...and she later mentioned that she felt like she was betraying BOTH of us when that happened.

 

She felt like she was betraying him, being with me. And she felt like she was betraying me, thinking about him.

 

So we waited until she was able to clearly decide who/what she wanted. I refused to put pressure on her for anything...heck, the night we got back together "that way" was the night I told her I was done, and ready to pursue a divorce.

 

It was when she truly understood that she was losing any chance of keeping me in her life that it became clear to her what she wanted.

 

Don't rush it. Give it time, but also give your H the chance to win your love back too (if you want to try to reconcile, that is).

 

If your H is 'pushing you' on this...be honest with him about what you're feeling.

 

Use your MC to help the two of you work through this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...thanks for complimenting me. Chemistry can be rebuilt but only with a clear mind. I've seen it happen alot of times when two people who really wanted to commit and be married...

 

Go to the website, they are a great help there...

 

The thing is on you now.

[White Flower]

CB, I think WF is trying to say that you've switched gears somewhat from how you USED to post...

 

You're attacking the problem...not the person.

 

You're offering some very useful, direct, applicable advice to November. In the past, your posts would have likely focused on what she's done wrong, not focused on what she needs to do now to make it right.

 

In other words...GREAT ADVICE man! Definitely intended as a compliment to you.

Thanks Owl, and it's true. Chrome seems to be focusing on offering positive advice instead of focusing on the (perceived) bad behavior. I think it's useful and it warms my heart. Shhh, don't tell Chrome I said that.

[Darth Vader]

Ah Chrome, you can't even take a compliment.

 

And you are so wrong about OW/OM wanting to be side pieces. They usually just want love and if it doesn't go that way then they usually get out.

 

Most people whether M or not believe in love more than they believe in M. They want love to win and not some promise they made when they were just out of their teenage years. But that is another point for another thread. Just wanted to give you kudos Chrome.

 

 

I can't resist, I gotta ask you both, do you two need to get a room?:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

Darth Vader- My life is a living hell! My husband is doing exactly what you've mentioned. My life is an open book, all my lies are exposed. All my acts of selfishness are being picked apart, it's very shameful for me and embarrassing to admit. I know this is what I have to do, because this is what I brought on to my husband and children.

 

My only glimmer of hope is that my husband is still with me, and is willing to continue M/C.

 

 

Expect it to become more HELL! Your husband is feeling very ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated for what's been done to him. He's trying to find out and understand "WHY! WHY! What did I do or not do to deserve this"? You said he told the children about you screwing OM? How are they reacting? I can only imagine.:eek:

 

As far as your husband still being with you, only time will tell. He may try for 10 years and be ok, then one day decide you're not worth it!

 

He's gonna have triggers too, BET ON IT! Those triggers will send him back to day#1! It will be Hell all over again!

 

My posts may be melodramatic, but hey, have you seen me in the movies? It's who I am!

 

I also don't pull punches, I don't screw around, no fluff from me!

Edited May 12, 2010 by Darth Vader

[fooled once]

What you had with the OM was built on lies, secrecy and fantasy.

 

There was none of the ups and downs marriages go through. It is easy to be 'you' when you aren't discussing money concerns, kid concerns, picking up laundry, the regular - at times - hum drum routine of marriage.

 

The OM brought excitement, sneaking around, being secret, NOT real life -- not what real relationships, IMHO, go through. You spent hours together, not months, years, etc. You don't see him after him having a bout of diarehha, with bad breath, etc.

 

You see each other ONLY on the best of terms and the undercurrent of hot sex in the air.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I can't resist, I gotta ask you both, do you two need to get a room?:lmao:

 

 

???? Nah, im good.

[White Flower]

I can't resist, I gotta ask you both, do you two need to get a room?:lmao:

No way José, just trying to be nice to the guy.

[DadofTwoGirls]

ever feel the same about your spouse after an affair..how could you and why would you?...isn't that the reason for having one?...you would need to change the way your are toward your spouse...unless you come clean with your spouse how could you ever really have a relationship..it would be rebuilt on lies and secrets...you take a chance in coming clean...the om/ow is just a side dish...until you can keep it in the refrigerator and have leftovers every night it will always be a side dish and you will go back to wanting to have other fast food later anyway.

[bentnotbroken]

ever feel the same about your spouse after an affair..how could you and why would you?...isn't that the reason for having one?...you would need to change the way your are toward your spouse...unless you come clean with your spouse how could you ever really have a relationship..it would be rebuilt on lies and secrets...you take a chance in coming clean...the om/ow is just a side dish...until you can keep it in the refrigerator and have leftovers every night it will always be a side dish and you will go back to wanting to have other fast food later anyway.

 

 

Her husband knows about the affair.

[DadofTwoGirls]

...she took the chance and that shows character...fast food might not be good for you but it taste good every now and then.

[White Flower]

White Flower- That's what scares me the most in recommitting to my marriage, after infidelity. I'm not sure whether chemistry can be learned, I hope to God that it can, because I am having a really hard time being close to my husband in a physical way, I have no feeling of anything in that department. All I know is that I was already feeling that way even before the affair. I have never had problems with OM, before and after I was married to my husband.

 

I will let you know as the weeks and months go by.

November-Rain,

 

I understand remorce and sincerity, I really do. And I think those two beautiful qualities can save a M if and ONLY if you have enough love, chemistry, and intimacy to sustain your M for a lifetime. If all you have is the kind of love you would have for a brother or a father that would be short-changing your husband and yourself. It will affect the entire family.

 

Please don't confuse your remorse and sincere sorrow with a lifelong commitment in a loveless marriage. I know you said you love him, but is it the kind of love he has for you? If the answer is no, let him go. Let him find someone who can drive him wild with romantic love.

 

You may believe this will happen for you two and God I hope it does, but if it doesn't happen within a certain time frame (you decide the length of time) then get a D. You can be friends and raise your children in harmony, it is possible. I hope it won't go that far, I hope you DO find this chemistry with your H but if you don't I'd hate to see you both falling asleep at the movies when you're 60 because it beats tossing and turning on sleepless nights next to each other because there is no fire between you.

 

(((November-Rain)))

[Owl]

WF, I can agree with your thoughts and sentiments, but there's something to consider in here.

 

The timing of your advice.

 

Right now, she's got NO WAY to truly sit back and work through this situation and 'choose' her H or OM.

 

She's too deep in the mix right now.

 

Right now is the only chance she gets to try to reconcile her marriage. If she doesn't try now...it's over. Her H will most likely never give her the opportunity again.

 

Right now, her heart and her head are going in opposite directions...she's struggling to think straight, let alone try to TRULY choose over which way she should go.

 

But, she's also forced to make a choice right now, based on circumstances.

 

If OM is "her soulmate"...he'll wait for her to work things out.

 

But right now is the only chance she'll have to to see if her marriage is worth saving or not.

 

I'd agree she should try to sort through this rationally, logically. But it can't happen. She's going to have to look at things through affair-colored glasses at the moment...not as things 'really' are.

 

If she wants to see if she can save her marriage...she does it now.