Torn between lover and husband

[White Flower]

WF, I can agree with your thoughts and sentiments, but there's something to consider in here.

 

The timing of your advice.

 

Right now, she's got NO WAY to truly sit back and work through this situation and 'choose' her H or OM.

 

She's too deep in the mix right now.

 

Right now is the only chance she gets to try to reconcile her marriage. If she doesn't try now...it's over. Her H will most likely never give her the opportunity again.

 

Right now, her heart and her head are going in opposite directions...she's struggling to think straight, let alone try to TRULY choose over which way she should go.

 

But, she's also forced to make a choice right now, based on circumstances.

 

If OM is "her soulmate"...he'll wait for her to work things out.

 

But right now is the only chance she'll have to to see if her marriage is worth saving or not.

 

I'd agree she should try to sort through this rationally, logically. But it can't happen. She's going to have to look at things through affair-colored glasses at the moment...not as things 'really' are.

 

If she wants to see if she can save her marriage...she does it now.

I think we agree Owl. That's why I said...

November-Rain,

 

You may believe this will happen for you two [romantic love] and God I hope it does, but if it doesn't happen within a certain time frame (you decide the length of time) then get a D.

I understand the time frame and the need to make a decision under these extreme circumstances. I just hope that they don't settle for something less after everything seems to fall into place. Then it might be too late for any one of them to find real happiness and complete love.

[Darth Vader]

???? Nah, im good.

 

 

:lmao:LOL!

[Darth Vader]

No way José, just trying to be nice to the guy.

 

 

You mean, girl! Anyway, no more threadjacking!

[DadofTwoGirls]

What you had with the OM was built on lies, secrecy and fantasy.

 

There was none of the ups and downs marriages go through. It is easy to be 'you' when you aren't discussing money concerns, kid concerns, picking up laundry, the regular - at times - hum drum routine of marriage.

 

The OM brought excitement, sneaking around, being secret, NOT real life -- not what real relationships, IMHO, go through. You spent hours together, not months, years, etc. You don't see him after him having a bout of diarehha, with bad breath, etc.

 

You see each other ONLY on the best of terms and the undercurrent of hot sex in the air.

[Darth Vader]

You mean, girl! Anyway, no more threadjacking!

 

 

My BAD! I thought you said you were trying to be the nice guy. But you said you were trying to be nice to the guy.

[White Flower]

My BAD! I thought you said you were trying to be the nice guy. But you said you were trying to be nice to the guy.

LOL. Thanks for the comedy relief!

[Owl]

Hoping that things are improving for you, my friend.

[November-Rain]

Hoping that things are improving for you, my friend.

 

 

Thank you, however, things are okay for now, we had a very bad weekend because OM tried to contact me. My husband absolutley lost it! He went as far as trying to find him and do who knows what to him.

 

I have turned my husband into a very insecure man, I hardly recognize him anymore, of course my fault. This guilt I live with from day to day is eating me alive. I cannot imagine what my poor husband is going through. He has me texting and calling him all day, so that he knows where I'm at all hours of the day when he is not with me. He even has me sending him pictures of myself, so that he knows I'm not off with OM. My goodness! I know it's only been about 3 weeks since my husband found out about the affair, however, it is taking a toll on my well being as well as my husbands. I am stressed to the limit when he is with me, because I know more questions will come and details of my affair are so embarrassing to admit to. I know most of you believe I deserve this and more, I probably do, but it is still so difficult to go through each and every hour of the day and week. The physical part with him is not easy at all, like I mentioned before my husband is now very needy and wants constant reassurance, he wants me to kiss him, hold his hand, tell him I love him, tell him he is the only one, etc....I feel very overwhelmed when it comes to that part, because we did not do this before the affair, and now he wants it all the time, it feels so foreign to me and I can't get past that hurdle just yet. I so deperatley want to feel like I want to do all things he asks of me, but I can't for now, not sure why I cannot bring myself to do it.

[Owl]

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair", and read it together with your H.

 

It'll give you both a good idea of what to expect, and some good guidance on how to deal with some of the issues you're working through right now.

 

I went through that same bout of insecurity that your H is dealing with...it's darned hard to try to temper down when you're going through it. But he does need to do what he can...try that book, see if it gives you guys some insights on how to deal with this.

 

I'd also seriously suggest a good marriage counselor...one who knows how to heal a marriage from infidelity.

 

If you truly think it'll help...INSIST on it to your husband.

 

BOTH of you have the right to INSIST on the things that you truly believe will help your marriage to recover.

[Dexter Morgan]

How do I end this??? It seems impossible! I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me either.

 

 

the only person you need to end it with is your husband. file for divorce, set him free from you.

 

that way you can do whatever it is you desire with your affair partner or anyone else. and you'll be doing your husband a HUGE favor.

[Owl]

Dex, her H already knows the full details. If he wants to be free, that's totally his option at this point. And it may well end up being his choice at some point....but that's up to him now. The cat's outta the bag already.

[Darth Vader]

To the poster of this Thread, have you been denying your husband knowledge of where this OM lives? If you have been, that shows your husband that you're still protecting your OM above your husband! Your husband has a right to inform OM's wife or girlfriend about you and OM. Even to confront this OM.

 

You may have to let your husband have it all out with the OM!

 

Expect your husband to tell your family as well as his of your actions in betraying him!

[Dexter Morgan]

I love my husband

 

no....you don't. maybe you love him as a person, but you are not in love with him.

 

 

but I feel such a connection to my lover, I don't want to let him go

 

and the above is why

 

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt my husband and children, How do I end this???

 

file for divorce and set your husband free from you.

[November-Rain]

To the poster of this Thread, have you been denying your husband knowledge of where this OM lives? If you have been, that shows your husband that you're still protecting your OM above your husband! Your husband has a right to inform OM's wife or girlfriend about you and OM. Even to confront this OM.

 

You may have to let your husband have it all out with the OM!

 

Expect your husband to tell your family as well as his of your actions in betraying him!

 

Darth Vader- The affair is out in the open- everyone knows! I'm not denying anything anymore.

[turnera]

Darth Vader- The affair is out in the open- everyone knows! I'm not denying anything anymore.

But does he know OM's name and where he lives? You said he was trying to find him.

[November-Rain]

But does he know OM's name and where he lives? You said he was trying to find him.

 

Yes, he knows his name and has a general idea of where he might live. Not that I kept the address from him, OM has moved.

[turnera]

Yes, he knows his name and has a general idea of where he might live. Not that I kept the address from him, OM has moved.

So...

In all the time you spent with OM, you didn't know his family members, friends, where he works, anything that you could tell your husband so he could find the guy and deal with the issue?

[stillafool]

My point Chrome was if she isn't going to be honest, then the marriage won't work. And she hasn't said anything about truly ending the affair. She talked repeatedly about her heart being with the OM. Why stay in the marriage physically if emotionally she isn't there?????

 

 

This is what I don't understand. You love the OM, he loves you, you want him, he wants you, he has told you you can live with him. This was all fact and you were going on and on about this other guy. Now that your H has found you out you want to stay in your marriage? What happened to all the love you had for the OM? Now that you have been found out it seems this would be the perfect opportunity to tell your h you are and have been in love with OM for years and you are going to seek a divorce so you can marry him. What happened to that?

[stillafool]

But does he know OM's name and where he lives? You said he was trying to find him.

 

and, does he know you had sex with him yet? If not, he doesn't know everything. I think the reason you don't want your H and OM to meet is because you know OM is probably going to end up telling it all to your H when he sees him.

[November-Rain]

So...

In all the time you spent with OM, you didn't know his family members, friends, where he works, anything that you could tell your husband so he could find the guy and deal with the issue?

 

Not that I'm keeping any information away from my husband, it's just that my husband is in law enforcement he ranks high in his particular position. He has some pretty good connections, he knows people that can put OM in jail for anythng he would like to charge him with. My husband has threatned to do so many times, as recently as this morning. Not sure if that is protecting OM in any way whatsoever, but ironically I think it's wrong for my husband to do that, for no other legal reason than that OM and I had an affair. I have not had any contact with OM since he moved away, I have not asked or desired to know where he now lives.

 

I do know OM's friends and family, he has been seperated from his wife for over 6 months now. She knows about us.

[turnera]

So, you ARE protecting him and telling your husband that you care more about OM's health/safety/whatever than your husband's feelings. Gotcha.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, her H already knows the full details. If he wants to be free, that's totally his option at this point. And it may well end up being his choice at some point....but that's up to him now. The cat's outta the bag already.

 

does her H know she won't let go of her sex on the side? If so, and he still wants the marriage, I think it would be safe to assume that he doesn't know whats best for him. Because I can't see wanting to keep a marriage where your so-called wife won't dump the OM.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter... Respectfully, I think this is the second thread you have read only the first post and not much in between. Her H knows about the A. They are in MC. Be nice and wish them the best.

 

you are kidding right? he knows about the affair....he is in MC to work on it.....does he know that she won't give up her OM?

 

Because what good is MC when one party is trying, and the other wants to and is still f#####g around? he is fighting a losing battle until she gives up the OM.

[Dexter Morgan]

So, you ARE protecting him and telling your husband that you care more about OM's health/safety/whatever than your husband's feelings. Gotcha.

 

nailed it.......

[November-Rain]

This is what I don't understand. You love the OM, he loves you, you want him, he wants you, he has told you you can live with him. This was all fact and you were going on and on about this other guy. Now that your H has found you out you want to stay in your marriage? What happened to all the love you had for the OM? Now that you have been found out it seems this would be the perfect opportunity to tell your h you are and have been in love with OM for years and you are going to seek a divorce so you can marry him. What happened to that?

 

What I am learning through M/C is that love is not a feeling but a choice. So, I need to get over OM because my choice is to be with my husband and children. I have to learn to reconnect and develop chemistry with my husband once again. Truthfully I have not felt any chemistry with my husband for many years now, however, I am deperatley trying to. I know by having an affair with OM has made things worse. I know I could go on and marry OM like he would like me to, but I made a choice to work it out with my husband, so that I can try and repair the damage I have made as well as not screw up my kids by getting a divorce. My husband is a good man and he deserves my honesty from here on. All the advice I have been given on this board as well as through M/C is that "the grass isn't always greener on the other side", I should expect more hell than what I have been going through already if I were to make the choice to marry OM. I don't want to take that risk! I believe my marriage is much more important than a risk of seeing what if.....